Crossover Fan Fiction / Card Captor Sakura Fan Fiction / Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Chaos was Here ❯ Part 5 ( Chapter 5 )

WTF (a.k.a. The Chaos was Here...)

an INSANE Humor/Parody fic by TheFellow3J

 

Disclaimer: I don't own shit.

 

Warning: This fic features all kinds of shit not meant for little punk ass children, like cursing, OOC-ness, cursing, Lesbos, cursing, a slut auction, and Chucky, among MANY other things. If you've EVER seen “Tails Gets Twisted...” well, know that this piece of shit ain't nothing like it...

 

Starring Kirby, Conker the Squirrel and Link

 

OK, it's about time for the crew to get down to business.

 

Part 5

 

Suddenly, Conker, Kirby, Link, Tails, Cosmia and Rouge found themselves in a swamp. Rouge: “WHAT THE!? EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! Whose bright idea was this!?” Mine. Ain't shit bright about a swamp either. Rouge: “BULLSHIT!” Tails: “Rouge, calm down...” Rouge immediately found a wave of tranquility wash over her mind. Link: “One thing is for certain. Whatever is causing these random changes in location is directing us to sources of action.” Cosmia: “I detect a strong wind from the east on approach.” Who couldn't tell by the strong gale that hit them right after a falling worm got eaten by a dead chimp? Kirby: “Stupid f*ed up text... dead chimp... where the hell THAT shit come from...”

???: “all ur base R be-long 2 us.” Fifty robots showed up out of nowhere. Cosmia: “Identification reveals that these are a squad of Gabber Robots.” The Leader: “U will ent-er owr cus-tody. Do not -click- resi-st owr func-tions.” Rouge: “The...” She found herself with a wad of gagging tissue paper in her mouth. Conker: “I don't think we can afford any bad phrases now.” Kirby: “This is stupid. Can we get a scene change please?”

 

...

 

...

 

Moonbase. Tails: “Oh WOW! Look at all of this stuff! It's HEAVEN!” Rouge got pissed. Rouge: “What about me!?” They leave the group. Link: “I feel that they will return.” Conker: “Why are we even here? This is PlayStation territory. We don't give a shit about PS2.” Megaman teleported in, along with Roll in NT form. Kirby: “What's the deal?” Mega: “We heard that something was going down here.” Conker: “Drug deal?” Mega: “No. Slut Auction.” Kirby: “Even better! Let's go crash it! Here's the plan...”

 

Kirby sat among the tens of patrons at the slut auction. No way was he walking away without a dozen more girls for his collection... then the auctioneer appeared. This happened immediately following a LOUD crashing sound and a hit by a club, as well as 15 gunshots. So Conker presented the first slut. Conker: “Uh... well. (Reads from a card) `Here's... the first... slut... Ai-a-ka...' Ayeka?” Then the Juraian princess Ayeka was thrown out onto the stage. About fifty guys jumped up, sticks at the ready. They all got shot by Chucky, the hired security guard. Chucky: “What the fuck is this shit!? How the fuck did I get here!?” The auction owner: “Shut up. We're paying you 15,000,000 sp for this. By the way, nice shot.”

Soon, Ayeka was at the mercy of vicious tentacles in Dreamland. Conker: “Alright. That's Ayeka to the Pink Wonder Kirby for 1,000 sp. Next, we got... uh... who the hell? Felicia?” The said cat-girl giggled happily and scurried onto the stage, stark naked. Males went wild. Somewhere were two patrons. Sonic: “Someone's getting every STD in the book, including becoming a succubus's slave...” Bubsy: “Yup...” Kirby: (I think I'll pass this one...) Felicia was sold to some nerdy turtle named... ???: “It's the guy from Sly 2.” I knew that! ANYWAY...

Conker: “Alrighty. Next is... what? What the hell is this girl doing here?” Mega (from backstage): “Who is it?” Conker: (You won't believe this...) “Shion!” Kirby: “WHAT!?” Shion walked out in a two piece bathing suit and some pumps. Oh... shit... Chucky shot 50 bastards that tried to make it onto the stage. South Park rats came in droves. Meowth: “Those guy's are sayin' that this here is their thanksgivin' dinner!” Chucky: “WHO GIVES A FUCK!?” Chucky fired a R.Y.N.O. shot at the corpses and blew them out of the area. Cosmia then placed a bid at 100,000,000 sp. Magus: “No... I MUST have Shion's good spirit! 102 million sp!” Cosmia: “Unacceptable. Shion must be protected. 100 billion sp is offered.” Crowd: “DAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMN!” Shion: (Oh, KOS-MOS...) Kirby: “Now THIS is getting interesting...” Conker: “Uh, yeah, no one's gonna beat that... sold!” Shion ran to Cosmia. Shi... ERROR!

... ...

Link: “It would appear that a scene has been deleted.” Kirby: “FUCK! Everything froze! What the hell is this anyway!?” The next thing they knew, Cosmia and Shion were gone, and Conker had Chibi-Usa on stage. Chucky: “I like this job.” 200 dead and gone, just like that. Gold Devastator. It's the shit. Roll: “Where did he get all those Gadgetron weapons from anyway?” Mega: “Good question.” Kirby: “She's MINE! 200,000,000 sp!” ???: “250 million!” Kirby: “WHAT!? NO! 400 million!” Max: “I'll take her for 500 million sp!” Link: “Hmmm. Where did the brother of the Pokémon girl May come from?” Elsewhere, Sonic: “Personally, I don't think he's got the money.” Knuckles: “Kid's in over his head.” Kirby: “600!” ???: “MAX!” Link: “Not this again...” Somehow, the minimum offer became 1 quadrillion sp. That's 1,000,000,000,000,000 sp. Kirby was PISSED! Kirby: “WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT!? I'LLL KILL `EM!” ???: “Me bitch! HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!” Kirby fired a tri-rocket at him, and then followed up with a gut-wrenching stab to the random person by a sword. It didn't look pretty. Link: “Most grotesque Kirby...” Kirby: “I'll take her for that much.” Chibi: (Oh wow, I didn't know so many guys liked me that much! And the pink guy's CUTE!) Chibi then ran right off the stage and gave Kirby a big ass hug. Conker: “Sold!”

Conker: “Next, we have... HELL NAH! Fuck that! THIS girl belongs to ME! Later bastards!” A blue boot and a small bit of brown fur made their way into view before Conker tackled whoever was about to come out from the curtain. Some patrons looked at each other. Sonic + Knuckles + Vector + Charmy + Rouge: “Sally...”

 

Kirby, Link, Tails and Rouge left the auction. Kirby: “Wait, you guys were there?” Rouge couldn't remember a thing. Tails: “I was in the back somewhere examining all the technology. I didn't know you could use the attraction force of gravity to generate power!” And off he went. Conker then came back. Kirby: “Had fun?” Conker: “I ain't through with her yet. I sent her to my place.” ???: “BULLSHIT! He ain't got the power!” You must realize just who the hell Conker is. Conker is the shit. He can do whatever the fuck he wants to do! Why? Because he's Conker the Squirrel, bitch. Link: “What is our next destination?”

 

Good question.

 

Knothole. ...wait... too early.

 

Tokyo. Again. The sun shines down on a perfectly operational and bustling Tokyo. Conker: “What. The. Fuck.” Kirby: “Like we've been saying.” Five girls show up. Kirby recognizes one as Tomoyo Daidoujai. Kirby: “Excuse me boys...” Kirby started walking toward the girls. They turned his direction and screamed with joy. Kirby: “Come and get it!” They TRAMPLED Kirby and got close to Link. Conker: “Damn. Shit happens.” Link: “Is there something I can help you young ladies with?” Naoko: “Oh wow... a REAL Hylian! Can you take me to Kakariko!?” Link: “I beg your pardon...” ???: (Somehow, I KNOW something's about to...) POP! ...he got shot by Cosmia. Cosmia: “Unauthorized foretelling of future events was thwarted.” Kirby: “FUCK! Hell nah! NO girl runs KIRBY over! Man, when I get through with these bitches they won't even know how to LIVE without bellies full of white sticky stuff!” ???: “YOU BITCH! Wait until I get CHUCKY V2!” Conker: “Like there's a Chu... oh shit... here he comes. I need one of those...” Conker got a Tri-Rocket launcher. Conker: “No, one of those...” Conker got a crossbow gun. Conker: “This is it.” Conker took aim and fired at Chucky V2. Forty-five pedestrians got stabbed by misdirected arrows. The Tokyo Police drove up. Policeman 1: “Put down your...” Policeman 2: “Aw fuck that James! These bastards NEVER listen! Just fire the damn rockets!” Meiling: “ROCKETS!?” Tomoyo: “Oh no! Sakura, where...”

The next thing they knew, Cardmistress Sakura Kinomoto had stabbed both policemen dead. Kirby: “WHOA! What the..!” Conker: “The Sword and The Dash, I think...” Link: “I did not see this coming...” Tomoyo was shocked, tears beginning to streak down her eyes. Her best friend was a murderer. Tomoyo: “Sakura!!! Why...” Sakura: “...Tomoyo...” ???: “You stupid brunette! Just kiss the obliviously love-sickened girl: the bitch LOVES you! Dumbass bur...” Sakura chopped the guy's head off. Sakura: “Just goes to show you... you can learn a lot playing Grand Theft Auto.” Conker: “...nah, she's still a little too outrageous for GTA.” Kirby: “Best game in the world! Maybe the dimension too. Well, next to truth or dare...” Sakura: “Hey Kirby! I want to join the crew.” Kirby: “Really!? UH, well, I'M not going to turn down such a little kick-ass beauty...” Conker: “Shit. Gotta get the ship space increased then. Kirby: “Huh? But we have enough seats! It's just me, you, Link, Cosmia... where the hell Rouge and Tails go again? Fuck it... Yuri, Sakur... oh.” Yuri was all over Kirby. Then Kirby fired some kind of beam at the other four girls. All except Meiling disappeared. Meiling: “WHAT THE HELL!? Where the other girls go!?” Cosmia: “The odds are high that they are currently being molested by the seemingly harmless animals of Dreamland at this moment.” Conker: “And in this story, `Molested' includes sexual harassment. No question.” Meiling: “Wow... sucks for them...”

Conker called Washu and told her the deal. Soon, a larger ship crushed four cars on the road. A turret came out and started blasting the SWATbots that showed up. Link: “Hmm. Is there some bounty on us to warrant Eggman's troops to show here?” Kirby: “Who gives a fuck? Everyone in the ship! We're going to the moon!” Tomoyo's eyes lit up. ???: “WARNING: Kinky shit is about to occur. Get the hell away from the purely gas-headed girl Tomoyo for your own good.” Kirby: “Really!? FUCK THAT! Tomoyo, get ur ass in that ship! You too Meiling!” Meiling: “FUCK YOU! No one tells me what to do!” Li showed up. Li: “Meiling, just get in the damn ship and do what the pink guy says.” Meiling: “...NO! FUCK THAT!” Kirby: “Oh got-damn...” Kirby got inside the ship and sucked Meiling into it with his mouth. Meiling: “HEY! What... I can't get away!! LI!!!” Li: “Piss off. I don't like you anyway. Go somewhere.” Then he burst into millions of balls of light. Chucky: “Damn! This Starburst Shotgun from Megacorp is the SHIT!” Link: “Such firepower... we must leave immediately.” Everyone got into the ship, and it teleported into outer space.

 

Let's just say that they didn't go to the moon. Tomoyo and Sakura were tired from making out and were going hard at it in another part of the ship. Kirby played Peeping Tom. Meiling: “Where the hell are we going anyway!?” Conker: “Probably back to Gaia. I don't know why were in a...”

 

The Continent of Centra. Link: “We've ended up in a barren wasteland.” Conker: “Nah. Place just doesn't get any rain.” Kirby: “Hey, what's that!?” A ton of monsters were coming their way, from a beam coming from the moon. Conker: “Ok, so we gotta beat them up.” Conker pulled his RYNO and tossed Kirby an Eraser. Cosmia called the Star Fox Team. Then the group went on the offensive, minus Tomoyo. They started getting their asses kicked. Meiling: “OW! Fuck, if only I had a little more energy...” Tomoyo saw just how hurt and beat up the group was. Tomoyo: “No... please, don't die... no!!!” The sheer amount of emotion that flowed through Tomoyo started fucking with the surroundings. Suddenly, everyone was at full energy, and Sakura had wings on her back. Sakura: “! What the... Tomoyo!?”

Tomoyo's clothes were replaced with a short, jet black dress. Kirby: “Damn... might have to give her a private evaluation.” Conker: “So she can alter the immediate environment and the organic life in it too. That's power.” Sakura couldn't take her eyes off her friend. Meiling was getting sick of all of it. She proceeded to KILL, SLASH, HIT, AND ANNIHILATE 5,000,000 monsters. In 10 seconds. Kirby: “Oh, this is some straight Matrix shit here...” Conker: “That's nothing. I got a straight billion ten minutes ago.” Link: “I believe it is related to the actions of Sakura upon Tomoyo at this moment.” Conker: “Tomoyo gets all that damn energy just from being NEAR Sakura, and she's never used any of it! And with what Sakura's doing to her now...” ???: “Hey! That shit can't be in this fic! This fic is supposed to be rated R!” Conker and Kirby looked at each other. Both turned to the guy. Both: “FUCK THAT! N! C! SEVEN! TEEN!”

... Conker: “Now that's unbelievable. Sakura's screwing Tomoyo.” What, something wrong with Sakura twisting Tomoyo like a screw into the ground? Conker: “Yes. Stupid R rating...” ???: “I told you bastards!” He got shot. He died. Sonic and Knuckles ran in and blew away 100,000,000 million monsters. In %&$# seconds. Sonic: “WHAT!? %&$#!? BULLSHIT!!!” Cosmia: “The time was too quick to produce a recognizable number. In exponential format, it is 1E-94 seconds.” Conker: “That's pretty damn close to zero.” Sonic: “Oh. Good!” Knuckles: “Don't matter to me. Keep `em coming!” Kirby: “Uh, is it just me, or does Meiling really think she's Neo?” Meiling was busy dodging every last blade that some monsters threw her way. EVERY LAST ONE. The girl didn't get a scratch after one knife flew past her. Then 500 embedded themselves into her. She didn't feel shit. Conker: “Hell NO. I know things get fucked up in this story, but COME ON NOW...” Kirby: (Something's weird about these three... they're all connected somehow... like three fragments...) ???: “F the mystic shit!” Sonic: “Hey, how long are we going to be in this fight? I'm getting hungry!”

 

We'll cut it here for now.