Crossover With Non-anime Series Fan Fiction ❯ Pirates of the Caribbean: Hot Bat's Chest ❯ Most Extreme Ball Challenge ( Chapter 4 )

Chapter Four: Most Extreme Ball Challenge

 

[The scene cuts back to the throne area. The natives are making a fire.]

 

Knuckles: Come on! More wood! I need more wood! (pause) Oh, thank God nobody can hear me saying this…my reputation would be ruined…BIG FIRE!

 

[The natives toss on more wood. They turn back to Knuckles, who is gone. The scene cuts to Knuckles running like hell through the village. He wanders into a hut and starts rummaging around for supplies. He finds a can labeled “Cocaine” and pockets it. He grabs some rope, and rushes outside. And, wouldn't you know it, the entire native…collective, I guess, is right outside. Knuckles smiles.]

 

Knuckles: I was going to get some rope…to…uhh…hold me better. Oh, and some seasoning!

 

[Knuckles splashes some cocaine on his armpits.]

 

Knuckles: That's mmm-mmm good!

 

[The scene cuts to Knuckles on a spit, beginning to roast over a very large flame.]

 

Knuckles: I just had to ask for more wood…

 

[The scene cuts back to the dangling balls of the Black Pearl's crew {Author's Note: Eww}. The crew members are trying to swing the ball cages to get a hand on the cliff.]

 

Arthas: Come on boys, let's get those balls swingin'!

 

Crew: PANSY!

 

[After a scene that takes way too long {Author's Note: And, honest-to-God, is set to the music for the teacup ride from Disney World}, the crew members get the balls up against the cliff-side.]

 

Boris: Alright, stick your legs out comrades! We march upwards! For the glory of the Motherland!

 

[The two balls start inching their way up the cliff-side.]

 

Sonic: Come on! It'll take all of us to re-crew the Pearl!

 

Expendable Pirate in Ball Number Two: Actually, only one ball of men is needed!

 

Sonic: Then it's a race! Thankfully, I'm the fastest hedgehog around!

 

Boris: Yeah, but you're trapped in a ball made of bones.

 

Random Midget: HURRY! They've got a lead!

 

[And so, the great ball race begins up the cliff-side. I presume this is supposed to look dramatic, but it really just looks like a game out of MXC.]

 

Vic Romano: Indeed!

 

[Thanks! After making some progress, a native walks across the bridge and the two balls freeze.]

 

Sonic: (whispering) Wait for him to pass…

 

[The native pauses on the bridge and scratches himself.]

 

Sonic: (whispering) Okay. I guess we wait for him to finish scratching hims- is that a fork he's using?

 

Boris: (whispering also) Oh God…I don't I'll be able to eat anymore…

 

Arthas: (whispering) Mmm…yum!

 

Boris: (whispering) Pansy!

 

[As the native continues to root around with a fork, the group of pirates in the other ball begin to make their way up slowly.]

 

Expendable Pirate in Ball Number Two: (whispering) Haha! Suckers!

 

Sonic: Shut up! Stop moving! He'll notice!

 

[Ball number two continues to rise, when suddenly, Pirate #2 grabs a snake on the cliff-side.]

 

Pirate #2: AAGGH! THERE'RE MOTHERFUCKIN' SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKIN' CLIFF!

 

[The ball swings wildly and then goes falling into the abyss, accompanied by the screams of all the men within it. The native turns and looks down.]

 

Sonic: MOVE!

 

[The native bolts as ball one starts moving again. The scene cuts to the native sprinting into the Knuckles' Barbeque.]

 

Native #2: (gestures wildly)

 

Natives: Ahh!

 

[The natives rush off leaving Knuckles tied to spit, and beginning to roast.]

 

Knuckles: Uhh…could you set the burner on low? Maybe? Hello? Fuck.

 

[The scene cuts to the ball, which is just now cresting the top.]

 

Sonic: Find a rock! Cut that rope!

 

[The men in the ball-cage {Author's Note: Sounds painful, doesn't it?} scramble around trying to find a rock to cut the rope with. Arthas glances up.]

 

Arthas: Half-naked natives running across the bridge towards us!

 

Boris: RUN AWAY!

 

Sonic: Roll!

 

[The ball lurches forward as Sonic and the crew try to spin the ball one way, and Arthas tries to head the other way.]

 

Arthas: But they're all half-naked! Noo! Let's turn around!

 

Sonic: But they're going to eat us!

 

Boris: Don't bother, he already knows that…

 

[The ball picks up speed and starts to roll away, with the natives hot in pursuit. The ball rolls for a minute and then it slams into a tree.]

 

Sonic: Put your legs through! LIFT!

 

Boris: Lift it like a lady's skirt!

 

Arthas: But…

 

Boris: Fine, or a man's kilt. JUST LIFT, YOU PANSY!

 

[The crew hikes the ball up, and starts running. The Random Midget is seen with legs dangling, unable to reach the ground {Author's Note: HAHA! Let's make fun of the wee folk!}. The scene cuts to Knuckles on the spit. He starts bouncing up and down, and the spit pops out of the…spit-holders. Knuckles breaks the bonds around his legs and sprints off. And right back into the native village, where he meets what has to be two of the ugliest women ever in a motion picture.]

 

Ugly Woman #1: (Bat-shit crazy native gibberish)!

 

Knuckles: I warn you! I have wood and I know how to use it! YEEEAAARRGH!

 

[Knuckles charges at the women, but impales his spit on some coconuts. Knuckles whips around and launches the coconut at a pissed-off native. The scene cuts back to the Amazing Rolling Ball, which goes flying down a chasm and crashes apart at the water at the bottom. The pirates splash around while the natives throw spears.]

 

Sonic: Underwater! Swim!

 

[The natives suddenly stop throwing spears, and run off in the other direction.]

 

Boris: Well…that was convenient…

 

[Back with Knuckles, the ugly native women are throwing fruit at him, which he's handily spearing on his bamboo spit.]

 

Knuckles: Haha! No amount of fruit on earth can stop Captain Knuckles the Echidna!

 

[Knuckles charges for the edge of the village, and pulls off the most incredible air-borne flippy maneuver ever. Hell, even Neo couldn't do that. Knuckles lands on the edge of the cliff, and smiles. But the fruit start sliding to the bottom of the spit, tipping him backwards.]

 

Knuckles: Fuck.

 

[Knuckles goes flying down the cliff, but then the spit gets stuck in the cliff-side.]

 

Knuckles: Oh phew…

 

[The spit starts to give way…]

 

Knuckles: Fuck…

 

[The spit snaps, and Knuckles takes a 50 story fall down the cliff, smashing through several dozen native bridges, before thudding into the ground. All the rings he's collected so far bounce out of him {Author's Note: I apologize for how nerdy that was}.]

 

Knuckles: Thank God for those rings…

 

[The scene cuts to the Black Pearl, which is now sliding into the water. Somehow, two guys managed to get a massive ship moving…in any case, the other pirates show up.]

 

Boris: Cast the mooring lines, comrades!

 

Megabyte: Oh right, because we did all the hard-work so that you could just take your ship back!

 

Cervantes: ARR!

 

[The pirates start climbing onto the Black Pearl. Sonic grabs Boris' shoulder.]

 

Sonic: We're not leaving without Knuckles. We need him.

 

[The camera cuts to the end of the beach, and we see Knuckles sprinting down the beach.]

 

Sonic: Ahh, see?

 

[Followed by what appears to be Sauron's army from Return of the King, but uglier.]

 

Sonic: (blinks) CAST OFF!

 

[Pirates swarm over the Black Pearl as they set off. Knuckles runs towards the ship, almost slamming into Omochao.]

 

Knuckles: Good parrot!

 

Omochao: I am not a fucking parrot!

 

[Knuckles wades through the water, and leaps onto some ropes dangling from the Black Pearl. He turns triumphantly to the chasing natives.]

 

Knuckles: Alas, poor natives! You shall henceforth refer to this day as the day that you-

 

[A huge wave smacks into Knuckles.]

 

Knuckles: -Knuckles…echidna…fuck…

 

Omochao: HEY! Why are you guys leaving me?!

 

[The natives turn to Omochao.]

 

Native #1: Ball-licky-licky!

 

Omochao: Oh motherfucker…

 

[The natives set off after Omochao.]

 

Omochao: FUCK YOU KNUCKLES! FUCK YOU TO HELL!