Crossover With Non-anime Series Fan Fiction ❯ Pirates of the Caribbean: Hot Bat's Chest ❯ Anduril, Flame of the West ( Chapter 5 )

Chapter Five: Anduril, Flame of the West

 

[The scene cuts to the Black Pearl.]

 

Boris: We need to get as far away from that island as possible…get to deep water.

 

Knuckles: An excellent plan! So long as, you know, we stay in the shallows.

 

Boris: No disrespect Comrade Captain, but there…uhh…well, your orders don't seem to make too much sense, per se.

 

Knuckles: Sense? SENSE?! When have my orders ever made sense?

 

Boris: Excellent point.

 

Knuckles: Now, where is that God-forsaken monkey? I need to shoot something.

 

[The monkey is swinging around the rigging, harassing everybody and trying to make the audience chuckle. Knuckles pulls out his gun, and his about to shoot the damn little pest, when Sonic walks up to him.]

 

Sonic: Knuckles.

 

Knuckles: Oh?

 

Sonic: Rouge is in danger!

 

Knuckles: Again? Have you considered locking her up? I hear some girls go for that kinda kinky shit…

 

Sonic: She is locked up! In jail! Because she helped you escape!

 

Knuckles: Well, that's quite sweet of her.

 

[Sonic pulls out a sword from some random pirate's belt and waves it in Knuckles' face.]

 

Sonic: I need that compass of yours. I will trade it for Rouge's freedom.

 

Knuckles: Wasn't that her theme song?

 

Sonic: Uhh…maybe?

 

Knuckles: I thought so…Mister Boris!

 

Boris: Aye, Comrade Captain!

 

Knuckles: We have a need to travel upriver.

 

Boris: By a need, do you mean a…trifling need? A passing fancy? A trivial need? A need of less than great importance?

 

Knuckles: I mean a need, as in a “We go upriver now, or I keelhaul you” need.

 

Boris: Yes Comrade Captain…

 

Sonic: What we really need to do is to go back to Port Royale and free Rouge. God only knows what those other prisoners might be doing to her…

 

Knuckles: Truly, it should be me doing those things…

 

Sonic: What?

 

Knuckles: Nothing. Sonic, dearest of all my friends, I shall trade you my compass if you help me find…this.

 

[Knuckles pulls out the sad scrap of paper with the picture of the key on it.]

 

Sonic: Did somebody wipe their ass on this thing?

 

Knuckles: To be honest, I'm not sure…that's why I keep some hand-sanitizer with me at all times.

 

Sonic: So, you want me to find this?

 

Knuckles: Oh no, I want you to want to find this. Because your finding of this, which I remind you, you want to find, will allow you to locate the item here-in referred to as “that”, which will allow me to get something for which in return I, being me, will allow you, henceforth referred to as “faggy pants”, to locate the item in question needed to free the girl, now called “Ms. Holy-fuck-what-a-fucking-fine-rack”, and therefore, bonk her to the point of exhaustion (which knowing you, means you will still be classified as a, quote, “virgin”), at which point me, known as Captain Knuckles the Echidna, will get to fuck the ever-loving crap out of her, and those huge heaving hooters positioned right where one, namely me, can get my hands and/or mouth on. And then I, known as Super-Stud, who will have already whipped out my gigantic wang, commonly called “Anduril, Flame of the West”, will engage in freaky naughty craziness until the ends of the world. Or likewise.

 

Sonic: Uhh…what?

 

Knuckles: Savvy?

 

Sonic: No.

 

Knuckles: You want to find that key.

 

Sonic: And it'll help me free Rouge?

 

Knuckles: Tell me, how much do you know about…Big the Cat?

 

Sonic: Not much…

 

Knuckles: Yeah. It'll totally help you free her.

 

[The scene cuts to another (nameless) ship. The script calls it a “trawler”, whatever the fuck that means. A random crewmember is swabbing the deck when he notices a familiar looking white wedding dress. He grabs it, and a huge fight breaks out. The captain shows up to try and break up the fight.]

 

Trawler Captain: What the hell is going on here?

 

Random Crewmember: Sir! I found this dress!

 

Crewmember #2: It's mine!

 

Random Crewmember: It's mine, you jackass!

 

Trawler Captain: You know, you could always share. On odd days, one of you can wear it, even days the other, and every weekend you can dance around for Tulip.

 

[The two arguing crewmembers turn to look at Tulip, an imposing 300 lb. black guy who likes to dress crewmembers up as Tinker Bell.]

 

Tulip: (utterly creepy falsetto voice) Ooh…Peter Pan can go visit Never-Never Land. And by “Peter Pan” I mean my penis, by “visit” I mean rape, and by “Never-Never Land” I mean your ass.

 

[Awkward silence.]

 

Random Crewmember: It's not like that at all! This ship is haunted!

 

Trawler Captain: Haunted, huh?

 

Crewmember #2: Yes sir! We can all feel the female presence!

 

Random Crewmember: Some lady's ghost…widowed before her marriage.

 

Crewmember #2: Probably a virgin too!

 

{Author's Note: I'll bet all you Sonic fans are having trouble putting the thoughts of “Rouge” and “virgin” in the same sentence…}

 

Random Crewmember: We should throw the dress overboard!

 

Crewmember #2: No! We need to keep it! We'll find out what the spirit wants!

 

Captain: You guys are the biggest bunch of retards this side of the Democratic National Convention…

 

Random voice: Oh! ZING!

 

Captain: Right…the fact that there's a dress on this ship means we probably have a female stowaway onboard. And seeing as her dress is here, there's a good chance she's probably naked.

 

[The crew (with the exception of Tulip), spazzes and starts searching frantically for the naked girl they think is on the ship {Author's Note: No, I don't care how much you want it, Rouge is not naked}. The camera pans to a random crew person. It's Rouge, in disguise as a dude. How anyone is fooled by the disguise, considering the fact that her boobs are still like…huge, is beyond me. ]