Crossover With Non-anime Series Fan Fiction ❯ Pirates of the Caribbean: Hot Bat's Chest ❯ Amy’s Shack o’ Weirdness ( Chapter 6 )

Chapter Six: Amy's Shack o' Weirdness

 

[The camera cuts to the mouth of a river. Several longboats are moving in. The camera cuts again, and the longboats are moving through an area that is not at all Lothlorein from the “Lord of the Rings” movies.]

 

Sonic: (whispering) Why is Knuckles so afraid of deep water?

 

Boris: Well, if you believe it, there's a demon that does the bidding of Big the Cat…a giant, hideous, blubbery monster. Its breath heavy with the scent of thousands of corpses, its huge jaws consuming everything in its path, its body reeking like the foulest pits of sulphur, its mind diseased and consumed with hatred…they call it-

 

Sonic: Michael Moore?

 

Boris: Ye…wait, no. But close! They call it…the KRAKEN!

 

[Ominous drum beat.]

 

Sonic: Not to be rude, but isn't that the name of a really shitty Sci-Fi Channel original movie?

 

Boris: Yes, comrade. Now you know the horror of which this beast is capable!

 

Sonic: God, I had no idea…And this key Knuckles is looking for will save him from this?

 

Boris: That's what Knuckles is trying to find out. And he wants this information badly enough to visit…her.

 

Sonic: Shelob?

 

Boris: Christ, you little piece of shit! Pay attention to which fucking movie you're in! He's going to her shack…

 

Sonic: Whose? Or Whoms?

 

Boris: Amy Rose!

 

Sonic: Oh God! I'd just stick with the Kraken (ominous drum beat) myself…

 

Arthas: Who's playing those drums?

 

[The camera cuts to a deep, dark swamp. Native peoples move through the trees as the longboats move close to this hideously dilapidated shack. The boats moor against the shack.]

 

Knuckles: There's no need to worry mates. Amy Rose and I go way back. Best pals. Inseparable. Well, we were. Before the…Incident.

 

Boris: No worries, glorious Comrade Captain! I will watch your back!

 

Knuckles: It's more my front I'm worried about…I got valuable squishy parts up there.

 

Arthas: I volunteer to watch your squishy bits!

 

[Silence.]

 

Knuckles: (coughs) Okay, mind the boat.

 

[Knuckles gets up and walks towards the shack's door.]

 

Boris: Mind the boat.

 

[Boris gets up and walks after Knuckles.]

 

Sonic: Mind the boat.

 

[Sonic gets up and walks after Boris.]

 

Arthas: Mind the boat.

 

[Arthas gets up and walks after Sonic.]

 

Megabyte: Mind the boat.

 

[Megabyte gets up and walks after Arthas.]

 

Cervantes: Arr arr arr.

 

[Cervantes gets up and walks after Megabyte. Gordon Freeman sits alone in the boat. He pulls out a piece of paper and scribbles something down. He holds up the paper which says “FUCK YOU GUYS”. The scene cuts to the interior of the shack. The crew piles in. The shack, for those of you who haven't seen the movie, looks like hell. Or, a Building #19 store. Sitting at a table in the center of the shack is Amy Rose.]

 

Amy Rose: Knuckles the Echidna…

 

Knuckles: Amy Rose.

 

[Amy smiles. Her teeth are all diseased and disgusting. Her gums are all black and…also disgusting. All the people shudder.]

 

Sonic: Oh God…have you ever heard of Listerine?

 

Amy: What?

 

Sonic: Actually, this is like the 1700's…so…never mind.

 

Amy: Destiny hangs about you, Sonic the Hedgehog.

 

Sonic: Do you know me?

 

Amy: (highly suggestive tone of voice) No, boy, what you want to do is know me.

 

[Sonic shudders.]

 

Knuckles: Exactly. Now, we are here for some information, and once we have it, we'll leave. (pause) Savvy?

 

Amy: I thought you knew me…

 

Knuckles: Listen, even Captain Knuckles the Echidna has standards when it comes to the ladies.

 

Amy: Fine, be that way. So, what…service…do you require?

 

Sonic: Preferably one that doesn't leave us ridden with STDs…

 

Knuckles: Quiet you!

 

Amy: You know, I demand…payment…

 

Knuckles: I brought payment!

 

[Some crewmember or other brings in the undead monkey in a cage.]

 

Amy: And you expect me to fuck that?

 

[Horribly awkward silence.]

 

Knuckles: Uhh…no…not at all…(shivers)…it's an undead monkey. It can't die!

 

[Knuckles pulls out his pistol and shoots the monkey. The monkey tosses around in the cage, but doesn't die.]

 

Amy: Oh…well, okay. The payment is fair.

 

[The random crewmember lets the monkey out of the cage and it scampers off into the shack.]

 

Knuckles: Alright then. We are looking for this (he pulls out the drawing of the key) and what it goes to.

 

Amy: And the compass you took from me can't lead you there?

 

Knuckles: Well…maybe…

 

Amy: Ooh, Knuckles the Echidna does not know what he wants! You can't decide between the key and the chest…

 

Knuckles: (leans closely to Amy, whispering) Listen, you can't judge me with this chest talk. Have you seen that blue hedgehog's girlfriend? I mean, wow. You and her are not even in the same league, chest-wise. Hell, you are not in the same universe. I mean, Jesus H. Christ, her rack is enormous.

 

Amy: I meant the chest that this key unlocks.

 

Knuckles: (stands back up) Err…right. That chest.

 

Boris: What is in it, anyways?

 

Megabyte: Gold, jewels, treasures of unimaginable worth?

 

Cervantes: Arr, arr, arr arr arr…arr?

 

Amy: You know of…Big the Cat? A great sailor, a man of the sea. Until he ran afoul of that which vexes all men…

 

Sonic: What…uhhh…”vexes” all men?

 

Amy: Yes, what indeed.

 

Boris: Overdosing on vodka?

 

Megabyte: Crappy sports teams?

 

Sonic: His shitty fishing levels from “Sonic Adventure”?

 

Cervantes: Arr arr arrr arrrrrrrr?

 

Arthas: A lack of lacy pink underwear for men?

 

Boris: Pansy.

 

Knuckles: A woman.

 

Amy: Yes, a woman.

 

Sonic: Well, that makes sense.

 

Arthas: I don't get it.

 

Boris: I heard he fell in love with the sea.

 

Amy: Same thing.

 

Knuckles: I beg to differ, you can't fuck the ocean.

 

Amy: (slightly pissed) Alright, can I just finish my damned story, or what?

 

All: Proceed! (or “Arr!”)

 

Amy: In any case, he was in love with a woman who would not return his affections. She was harsh, cruel, untamable, wild, changing, indecisive, moody, impossible to please…

 

Knuckles: Reminds me of every girl I've ever known…

 

Sonic: You could have just said she was a woman, and we'd have gotten the point.

 

Amy: Sexist pigs. Moving on, the pain from this woman was more than he could live with…but not enough for him to die.

 

Sonic: What…did he put in the chest?

 

Amy: (smiling wildly) His heart!

 

Sonic: God, don't do that! Jesus! Those teeth!

 

Boris: His heart?

 

Megabyte: Literally, or figuratively? I mean, he can't have put his real heart in there, right? This is a Disney movie after all…

 

Amy: He clawed his chest open, ripped out his still-beating heart, placed it in the chest, and then hid it away from the rest of the world. The keys he keeps with him at all times.

 

Sonic: Knuckles, you ass! You knew this!

 

Knuckles: Hey! I had no idea where the damn key was! But now we do, so all we gotta do is find his ship, climb onboard, get the key, go back to Port Royale, and then I can have sex with Rouge in every orifice God gave her.

 

Sonic: WHAT?!

 

Knuckles: I mean, you can free Rouge from jail.

 

Sonic: Oh. I thought I heard something different.

 

Knuckles: Your mind must be playing tricks with you.

 

Amy: Let me see your hand…

 

[Knuckles extends his left hand.]

 

Amy: The other hand.

 

Knuckles: But that's my special hand…

 

Amy: SHOW ME IT!

 

[Knuckles extends his right hand, which is wrapped up {Author's Note: I probably should have mentioned that plot detail a few chapters back, huh?}. Amy removes the wrappings, revealing the black mark.]

 

Boris: THE BLACK SPOT!

 

[Boris does this bizarre pirate ritual that sorta looks like the hokey-pokey.]

 

Knuckles: My eye-sight is as good as ever, you know.

 

Sonic: Yeah. Masturbation doesn't cause blindness. That's just an urban myth…lucky for you Knuckles.

 

Knuckles: Bite me.

 

[Amy wanders off into the back off the shack.]

 

Amy: Now where did I put it? Hmm…

 

[Amy comes back from the back {Author's Note: Well, that sounds stupid as all hell} carrying a large jar.]

 

Amy: Big the Cat can not walk on land. Land is where you are safe, and so, you will carry the land with you.

 

[Amy hands the jar to Knuckles. It's filled with dirt.]

 

Knuckles: A jar of dirt.

 

Amy: Yes.

 

Knuckles: A jar of dirt.

 

Amy: If you don't want it, I'll take it back.

 

Knuckles: No! It's my jar of dirt!

 

Amy: Then, all we need to do is find his ship…the Flying Person-of-Dutch-Extraction!

 

Arthas: (leans over to Boris) The Dutch can fly?

 

Amy: We need a touch…of DESTINY!

 

[Amy throws a bunch of shells on the table.]