Crossover With Non-anime Series Fan Fiction ❯ Pirates of the Caribbean: Hot Bat's Chest ❯ The Flying Person-of-Dutch-Extraction ( Chapter 7 )

Chapter Seven: The Flying Person-of-Dutch-Extraction

 

[The camera fades to show some rocky islands in storm-tossed waters {Author's Note: Another recurring theme of this film} which are set up exactly like the shells Amy threw. A ruined hulk of a ship lies smashed against some of the rocks, the camera pans to the Black Pearl, holding position nearby.]

 

Sonic: That's the Flying Person-of-Dutch-Extraction? She doesn't look like much…

 

Knuckles: Well, you aren't very impressive looking yourself. I would not underestimate this ship.

 

Sonic: You just can't stop being an ass, can you?

 

Knuckles: What's the plan?

 

Sonic: Okay. I go on that boat, and look around for that key.

 

Knuckles: And if you find any crewmen?

 

Sonic: I crap in my pants.

 

Knuckles: No, you cut down anyone in your path.

 

Sonic: Sorry, I have trouble remembering that part.

 

Knuckles: Plus, you're not even wearing pants.

 

Sonic: But…I am wearing pants.

 

Knuckles: Huh…what do you know…I guess you are. So, it's a simple plan.

 

Megabyte: Your ride is waiting.

 

[Megabyte waves to a small rowboat that looks overwhelmed by the waves.]

 

Knuckles: Oh, and Sonic, if you do get captured, just say that Knuckles the Echidna sent you to settle his debt! Might be useful!

 

Arthas: Turn off the lights!

 

[As the crew of the Black Pearl extinguishes the lamps, Sonic gets in the rowboat and heads towards the wrecked ship. The small rowboat cross the currents, and reaches the side of the vessel. Sonic climbs onboard and wanders around. Dead bodies are strewn over the ship, with a few surviving crewmembers cowering under hatches and whatnot. Eventually, Sonic finds someone who is alive, frantically tugging on a rope. Or something.]

 

Crazy Sailor: Gotta…gotta…jiggle the squibs…

 

Sonic: Sailor!

 

Crazy Sailor: The…the smell…all over the place…

 

Sonic: Uhh…buddy?

 

Crazy Sailor: All over my body…all…

 

Sonic: I'm not sure if you've noticed, but, umm…your ship is currently in like, seven different pieces.

 

Crazy Sailor: No! No! All…in my eyes…

 

Sonic: Okay, were you attacked, or raped? Because I sure can't figure this out.

 

[Somewhere else on the wrecked ship, a body falls out of the rigging and hits the deck. Sonic, continuing to show he's an idiot, goes to investigate. He flips the body over, and its face is missing. Sonic recoils. The camera cuts and the real Flying Person-of-Dutch-Extraction flies out from underwater. As water pours down the vessel, deformed crewmembers leap onto the wrecked ship Sonic is on.]

 

Kerrigan: Drop to your knees and pray!

 

Surviving crewmember 1: Hey, about you get on your knees and suck my co-

 

[Kerrigan's blades slice the crewmember into pieces. As the crew of the Flying Person-of-Dutch-Extraction swarm over the ship, Sonic lights his sword on fucking fire and copies the exact shot from “Fellowship of the Ring” when Aragorn was fighting off the Nazgul on Weathertop {Author's Note: Oh my God, I'm such a nerd…). Sonic fights valiantly for a few seconds, until something whacks him upside the head and he falls to the deck.]

 

Voice: Hahahaha!

 

[Fade to black. The camera fades into a line of survivors, kneeling along the ship's deck. Sonic is among them. Kerrigan stands with the rest of the malformed crew. A series of mysterious shots introduces the main villain himself. Hobbling onto the deck is Big the Cat, the monstrous captain of the Flying Person-of-Dutch-Extraction.]

 

Kerrigan: Captain, we have five survivors. The rest have…moved on.

 

Big: Moved on? What the hell kinda euphemism is that? Woman, you have some dude's head impaled on one those blades of yours…

 

[Kerrigan looks down, and scrapes the head off onto a nearby rail. Big hobbles over to one of the survivors in the line.]

 

Big: Do you fear death? Do you fear the dark abyss? Do you fear…my fishing levels from Sonic Adventure?

 

[The crewmember trembles. Another survivor, who is apparently a chaplain, speaks up.]

 

Chaplain: Don't listen to him!

 

Big: Oh-ho-ho! A brave one, huh? You think you can deal with those levels? Would you dare try them with a mouse and keyboard?

 

Chaplain: God's light shall protect me!

 

Big: A religious man. Hmm…how do you expect to survive without your male pages? Alone, at sea, on a boat filled with men being consumed by the ocean. You shall never see a trusting boy again…

 

Chaplain: Oh, God no! Don't! You wouldn't be so evil!

 

[Kerrigan slashes the chaplain's neck and tosses him overboard.]

 

Big: Oh-ho-ho! That never gets old!

 

Crewmember 2: That's cruel…

 

Big: Don't tell me of cruel. Life is cruel. It sucks. And being a whiny bitch about it won't help. But I can offer you a way out…join my crew. Serve with me for a hundred years! Delay the creeping blackness!

 

Kerrigan: Seriously Captain, the racial insensitivity you display can be outstanding…

 

Big: Oh, shut up you damned whore.

 

Crewmember 2: Please, sir…I will serve.

 

Big: Excellent…

 

[Big looks down the line of survivors and sees Sonic. He stomps over to him.]

 

Big: And what are you doing here?

 

Sonic: Knuckles the Echidna sent me here, though in retrospect, it might have been a poor decision to come…

 

Big: Why are you here?

 

Sonic: Knuckles the Echidna. I'm here to settle his debt.

 

Big: Really, now? That sure is interesting…I wonder if I should accept that offer…

 

[The camera cuts to the Black Pearl. Knuckles is watching the events on the wrecked ship through a spyglass. Big turns and looks straight at the spyglass. The scene cuts and the entire crew of the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction is onboard the Pearl, holding the various crewmembers of the vessel hostage.]

 

Knuckles: (stumbling backwards) You can fucking TELEPORT?!

 

Big: Oh-ho-ho. Of course I can. It's, well, it's pretty much the only useful talent I've got. But, in any case, Knuckles…you have a debt to repay to me. You asked to be captain of the Black Pe-

 

Kerrigan: Again with the racism!

 

Big: (emitting spittle) IT'S THE DAMN NAME OF THE SHIP! SHUT UP, YOU FILTHY SLUT!

 

Kerrigan: Racist…

 

Big: Whatever (turns back to Knuckles).You asked to be captain of the “African-American” Pearl for 13 years. Time is up.

 

Knuckles: Well, uhh…if we are to get into technicalities, I wasn't captain for all 13 years. I was for about two, and then some idiot decided to mutiny against me.

 

Big: Oh-ho-ho! But you've been introducing yourself as a captain all these years.

 

Knuckles: You mean…if I had just not called myself Captain Knuckles the Echidna for all this time, there wouldn't be any problem?

 

Big: Exactly.

 

Knuckles: Oh, for fuck's sake…

 

Arthas: Don't worry Captain, anyone could have made that mistake!

 

Knuckles: (hissing) Don't call me that!

 

Big: Oh, it's a little late now, I'd say. You owe me your soul!

 

Sonic: (snorts) You poor bastard. You are going to get such a raw deal.

 

Knuckles: How about you take the blue hedgehog's soul instead of mine?

 

Big: His soul isn't worth yours.

 

Knuckles: Alright, then I'll bring more souls. How many do you need?

 

Big: One hundred souls. In three days.

 

Sonic: Wow, this is gonna be one wacky romp!

 

Knuckles: Shut up you! Alright, give me Sonic back and I'll get back to you on this.

 

Big: No. I keep him. Consider him a down payment. Only 99 souls to go. Ha ha ha!

 

Knuckles: Oh please, Sonic is a really great guy. He's gotta be worth like, four souls. He's a good swordsman. He's got, according to the ladies, a nice butt. Hell, he's getting married to a chick with tits like…like…

 

[Knuckles makes a gesture indicating the ample size of Rouge's gazoombas. Big leans in towards Knuckles.]

 

Big: (whispering) Really?

 

Knuckles: (also whispering) Like you would not believe, man. Tremendous. Like someone decided to smuggle some beach balls in her shirt or something.

 

Big: (still whispering) Hey, you bring me that, it'll be even less souls…

 

Knuckles: (whispering) Not a chance in hell. I'm so gonna tap that, not some half-fish freak.

 

Big: (straightens out) Well then, if that's the case. You must now see if you can deal with the pressures of condemning this innocent man, this man about to be wed to a gorgeous woman, to a life of servitude upon the Flying Person-of-Dutch-Extraction. Can you deal with that, Captain?

 

Knuckles: `Course I can. It's just Sonic.

 

Sonic: (seething with hate) Knuckles, I hate you soo much.

 

Knuckles: And the same to you Sonic.

 

Big: Three days! Ninety-nine souls!

 

Knuckles: Okay…I should get cracking (ominous drum beat) on th—I said “cracking” not “Kraken” (ominous drum beat)!

 

Big: God, we need to fix that drum…

 

[Big places his hand on Knuckles' hand (the one with the black spot), and wipes nasty goop all over it.]

 

Knuckles: Please tell me this isn't your fapping hand…

 

[Big snorts, and the black spot vanishes. Big steps back, and the crew of the Flying Person-of-Dutch-Extraction and Sonic teleport off the deck of the Black Pearl.]

 

Knuckles: Well, that was exciting.

 

Boris: So, what will we do, Comrade Captain?

 

Knuckles: He wants 99 souls, so we will get him 99 souls. Souls in the worst condition possible! Souls so despicable that even Big the Cat will be horrified!

 

Boris: Ah! (turns to the crew) Set sail for the world headquarters of the ACLU!

 

Knuckles: Are we quite done injecting political commentary into this, or what?

 

Boris: I'm sorry…

 

Knuckles: Set sail for…Tortuga!

 

Boris: Tor-….what?

 

Knuckles: Just sail, you idiot.