Crossover With Non-anime Series Fan Fiction ❯ Pirates of the Caribbean: Hot Bat's Chest ❯ Whole Lotta Crazy ( Chapter 8 )

Chapter Eight: Whole Lotta Crazy

 

[The scene cuts to the cabin of the trawler from earlier, which the script now calls the “Edinburgh Trader” for reasons that are beyond the Author's comprehension.]

 

Edinburgh Captain who was formerly the Trawler Captain: This is insane. Port fees, tariffs, berthing fees, wharf fees, union dues. I'm gonna go bankrupt. We need a port that isn't controlled by that damned East India Company…

 

Quartermaster: (looking up from map) The only port out there is Tortuga…

 

Edinburgh Captain: That's a port for pirate scum.

 

[The audience boos loudly, because, let's face it, everybody watching this movie thinks pirates kick ass.]

 

Edinburgh Captain: I'll live and ship honorably. I'm no pirate.

 

[Something white passes by the cabin windows.]

 

Other Sailor: S-s-sir!

 

[The men in the cabin rush to the window. The white wedding dress flies by the window again. They rush out onto the deck to see the dress floating in the rigging.]

 

Quartermaster: We're haunted!

 

Other Sailor: It's giving us a sign!

 

Edinburgh Captain: There's gotta be a rational explanation for this!

 

[The dress swoops by, knocking a lantern over onto the deck, which catches on fire. The crew ignores their burning vessel, and looks out to see.]

 

Quartermaster: There's the sign!

 

Other Sailor: That's your nose, you idiot!

 

Quartermaster: No, in the water!

 

Other Sailor: Uhh…waves?

 

[The camera cuts to Rouge in the rigging, sighing over the stupidity of the sailors {Author's Note: One question…when did she get the time to set up this whole thing?}.]

 

Quartermaster: It's seaweed!

 

Edinburgh Captain: Seaweed isn't a sign…

 

Other Sailor: It could be…

 

Quartermaster: Wait…are those entrails?

 

Rouge: OH MY GOD, LOOK AT THE PART OF THE DECK THAT'S ON FIRE, YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!

 

[The various crewmembers turn to look at the burning deck. The name “Tortuga” is spelled out in flames {Author's Note: I mean really, how much free time did she have on this damn ship?}.]

 

Other Sailor: Could this be the sign?

 

Quartermaster: Hmm…possibly.

 

Rouge: I just want to point out I'm an expert on signs, and this is clearly a sign.

 

Edinburgh Captain: Well, vaguely feminine sailor that I've never seen before, I will follow your advice.

 

Rouge: Vaguely feminine? Just vaguely? Even with these?

 

[Rouge cups her chest in the Captain's face. He looks down, then back up, and then turns around.]

 

Edinburgh Captain: Yes. Set sail for Tortuga!

 

[As Rouge's face falls, the scene cuts to Tortuga. I'm not going to waste time describing it, because you've all seen the movies. The camera cuts to the inside of a bar. Boris is at a desk with Arthas next to a little sign that says “Join the crew of the Black Pearl”. A line of people is in front.]

 

Amazingly Old Dude: So…what benefits to I get if I enlist?

 

Boris: Well, comrade, we'll pay your way through college. You also get pillage and plunder rights. Also, two rapes per pillage.

 

Arthas: And if you're interested we have a don't ask, don't tell policy.

 

Amazingly Old Dude: If I'm interested?

 

Arthas: Please be interested…nobody else is.

 

Boris: Ignore him. He's insane.

 

Amazingly Old Dude: Well, my college education can't be held off much longer.

 

Arthas: Sign here.

 

[The Amazingly Old Dude signs the enrollment list.]

 

Boris: Oh…and…uhh, you are now considered an enemy of the French and British nations.

 

Amazingly Old Dude: WHAT?!

 

Arthas: I'm sorry; you've already signed the forms. Move along.

 

Amazingly Old Dude: This wasn't in the brochures!

 

Boris: Comrade Freeman, please escort our new recruit to the ship.

 

[Gordon Freeman, menacing crowbar in hand, drags the Amazingly Old Dude out of the bar. The line of applicants looks worried.]

 

Arthas: Alright, who's next?

 

Young Man: Well…my wife ran off with my dog.

 

Boris: She must have been a bitch!

 

Arthas: What a cur!

 

[Boris and Arthas exchange high fives.]

 

Young Man: So, uhh…I'm drunk and suicidal.

 

Boris: You sir, are perfect for this ship. Sign.

 

[The Young Man signs.]

 

Arthas: Next!

 

Hilariously Limbless Guy: I only got one arm. Everything else is fake.

 

Arthas: Everything?

 

Hilariously Limbless Guy: It's all wood.

 

Arthas: (very quickly) WelcometothecrewoftheBlackPearl!

 

Boris: Next!

 

[The camera cuts to Knuckles, sitting not too far away from the table, staring at his compass. The arrow is spinning around wildly.]

 

Knuckles: I know what I want. I want that chest. No…the key. I need the key, then the chest. Wait…or should I just go for Rouge's chest?

 

[The camera cuts back to the recruitment table.]

 

Young Man Number 2: I've always wanted to see the ocean…to go sailing…to enjoy the majesty of nature at her greatest. And I thought to myself, “John,” I says, “John, what better way to see the ocean, go sailing, and enjoy the majesty of nature at her greatest than on a notorious pirate vessel?”, so, here I am.

 

Boris: Sign, and stop talking.

 

[Knuckles walks up the table.]

 

Knuckles: So, how are we doing?

 

Arthas: Well, if you count those last four recruits we've got…(studies the roster)…four.

 

Boris: Next! What's your story? Where you come from? And where you wanna go this time?

 

[A shadowy figure walks up to the desk.]

 

Shadowy Figure: My story is almost the same as yours, only two scenes behind. I followed someone across the vast oceans of this world. The pursuit cost me everything…my crew…my rank…my reproductive organs…

 

Arthas: Thanks, but we don't want you.

 

Boris: (looking up) Commodore Prower?

 

Tails: Did you even listen to a word I said, you damned Russian drunk? Oh, I'm sorry that was redundant. I almost had you…off the coast of Tripoli. But then the hurricane struck.

 

Boris: Did you…sail through it?

 

Tails: Of course I did. Explains how my genitals were whipped off by wind shear. Now, can I join your crew? And where are we going? Someplace…nice?

 

[Tails whips out a pistol and points it at Boris' head. The entire bar goes quiet. Knuckles grabs a palm branch and attempts to sidle out of the bar.]

 

Tails: Am I worthy enough to serve with Captain Knuckles the Echidna?

 

[Knuckles attempts to get out unnoticed, but Tails sees him, spins around and points his gun at Knuckles' face.]

 

Tails: Or should I just shoot you now?

 

Knuckles: You know, I'd prefer if you didn't shoot me. I don't react well to bullets. Kinda allergic to them, to be honest.

 

Tails: (cocking the pistol) Then, I suggest you make your decision.

 

Knuckles: Welcome to the crew of the Black Pearl! Nice to have you onboard!

 

[Suddenly, a drunkard smashes into Tails, and his gun goes off. The bullet ricochets around, and hits somebody's beer bottle. A brawl ensures. Now, this whole brawl sequence is supposed to be ridiculously hilarious, but you will, at most, get one chuckle out of the whole sequence. We'll just say the whole brawl sequence has passed us by.]

 

Tails: (drunk, waving a bottle threateningly) Come on! I'll take the lot of you! One-on-one! Or one-on-two! It'll be an orgy! Of violence! Hit me, ya ladies!

 

[A hand grabs the bottle from Tails and smashes it over his head. As Tails keels forward to the floor, the camera cuts to the owner of the hand: Rouge the Bat.]

 

Rouge: I've wanted to do that for a while now…

 

[The people in the bar cheer, and the normal chaos descends back upon the bar. The scene cuts outside, and Tails is thrown (face first) into a pig-sty, and lands with one of the most disgusting noises ever captured on film. Rouge turns Tails over.]

 

Rouge: Tails Prower. What has the world done to you?

 

[Tails pukes all over himself. Rouge recoils as the scene cuts to black. The scene cuts to Flying Person-of-Dutch-Extraction. Big is playing a big-ass organ, with steam pouring out of it {Author's Note: Like every good Disney villain. Is there a single Disney bad guy who doesn't play the organ?}. The scene cuts again to the deck of the ship, where Sonic is now laboring with the rest of the slimy crew.]

 

Kerrigan: (pointing vaguely towards Sonic and another crewmember) Secure the mast squibs!

 

[Sonic rushes to the squibs and starts to jiggle them. Another crewmember pushes into him, and knocks Sonic away from the squibs. The crewmember turns to Sonic. It's 47, and those of you with really good long term memories will remember that he's Sonic's father {Author's Note: In this story. Not in real life. I hope}.]

 

47: Sonic?

 

[47 lets go off the squib, and a rope snaps across the deck. Sonic grabs onto it, but to no avail. The squib spins, and a huge cannon goes crashing into the deck. The organ music stops.]

 

Kerrigan: Drag that blue vermin to his feet! I do believe a punishment is in order…for mishandling the squibs, you get five lashes!

 

[The crew cheers appreciatively. Kerrigan pulls out a whip and marches towards Sonic, but 47 throws himself between the two.]

 

47: I won't let you do this!

 

Kerrigan: If you don't move out of the way now, you're going to share in the punishment.

 

47: Let me do it.

 

[Big hobbles into the scene.]

 

Big: Will you now? And what would cause such an act of charity?

 

47: He's…he's my son.

 

Big: Oh-ho-ho! Oh that is just rich! Woooo-eeeeee! I mean, how does that even work? He's like, a fucking hedgehog!

 

Kerrigan: Cough, racist, cough.

 

Big: Kerrigan, you're starting to annoy the hell out of me…

 

Kerrigan: I didn't say anything.

 

Big: Let's keep it that way. Now, the punishment was five lashes.

 

[Big takes the whip from Kerrigan and holds it towards 47.]

 

47: I…I can't.

 

Big: Either you do it, or she does it. And I doubt she'll go easy on your darling son.

 

[47 grits his teeth and grabs the whip. Two other crewmembers tear off Sonic's shirt {Author's Note: Queue the girls in the audience shrieking hysterically at the “hotness”}. ]

 

47: I'm so sorry son…

 

[47 then begins to whip Sonic in what is supposed to be horrifyingly violent scene, but once you've seen the flailing scene from “The Passion of the Christ”, you're immune to flogging scenes. After some intense father-son bonding, via cat-o'-nine-tails, Sonic is dragged across the deck and thrown down a hatch {Author's Note: Not the one from LOST, though}. A minute later 47 clambers down the stairs to join him.]

 

Sonic: You know, I didn't think our reunion was going to be this painful…

 

47: You're lucky it was me…Kerrigan wouldn't have gone so easy on you.

 

Sonic: Maybe. But I'd rather have a hot chick whipping me than my own dad…

 

47: Well, I can see that growing up without a father in no way messed you up.

 

Sonic: Not at all. I'm totally adjusted. Now…uhh…where on this ship do I go to fap?

 

47: Excuse me?

 

Sonic: Like…is there some place around here where I can masturbate?

 

47: That's strictly not allowed.

 

Sonic: Well, fuck this then. I'm going to have to bail.

 

47: So soon?

 

Sonic: I'm gonna get major blue balls soon if I don't get some spoogin' going…

 

47: Uhh…aren't your balls…always blue?

 

Sonic: Well, it's gonna be permanent if I don't work something out fast.

 

47: I meant…like…oh, never mind…

 

Sonic: But first, I'll have to find something…

 

[Sonic pulls out the paper with the image of the key on it.]

 

47: What's it go to?

 

[Part of the ship's wall peels off, and once your eyes adjust, you realize it's some sort of guy who fused to the walls of the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction. He turns his face to Sonic and 47.]

 

Guy Fused to the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction: The Dead Man's Chest…

 

Sonic: (not at all phased that part of the wall is talking to him) What do you know about it?

 

Guy Fused to the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction: It opens with the key. Within is the heart. The Captain's heart. His weakness, stab it you must it. No, mustn't stab. You can't stab the precious…we needs a captain…yes we do.

 

Sonic: (puzzled) Is he trying to be Yoda or Gollum?

 

Guy Fused to the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction: The key to the precious is what the Captain has…and if there's no precious, then there's no captain to hold the key. And…we've just said too much.

 

[The Guy fuses back into the wall.]

 

Sonic: So…Big is holding on to the key…where is the key?

 

Guy Fused to the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction: We've said too much…

 

Sonic: Where's the chest?

 

Guy Fused to the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction: We've said too much…

 

Sonic: Do you mind if I come over and spooge later?

 

Guy Fused to the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction: You've said far too much…

 

Sonic: Meh. Worth asking about.

 

47: You are such a waste of my genetic material…