Crossover With Non-anime Series Fan Fiction ❯ Pirates of the Caribbean: Hot Bat's Chest ❯ The Hunt for the Black Pearl ( Chapter 17 )

Chapter Seventeen: The Hunt for the Black Pearl

 

[The scene cuts back to the longboat. Sonic stirs back into consciousness.]

 

Sonic: Where's the chest?

 

Rouge: It's right here, my dear.

 

Sonic: No…the not-hot one.

 

Rouge: Oh…Tails took it to draw off the crew of the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction.

 

Sonic: Wait…doesn't…doesn't that mean that everything we did here was pointless?

 

Rouge: Shush! You're pointing out a plot hole!

 

Megabyte: Row faster!

 

Cervantes: Arr arr arr arr.

 

Megabyte: And do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

 

Cervantes: Arr. Arr arr.

 

Megabyte: Well, joke's on you! I don't even have a mother!

 

[The long boat finally reaches the Black Pearl.]

 

Boris: What happened to Comrade Prower?

 

Knuckles: He fell.

 

Arthas: You just can't stop ripping off “Lord of the Rings”, can you?

 

Knuckles: Hey, listen queermo, when you create the ultimate film epic of the modern age, hell, the single greatest movie trilogy of all time, I'll pay attention to you, until then, consider yourself ignored.

 

Arthas: Oh, ouch. That stings…right here…right in my heart.

 

Boris: Okay, that's just way too gay.

 

Arthas: Hey, hey. I am not gay.

 

Boris: And I'm not drunk.

 

Arthas: Well, fuck you.

 

Boris: I bet you'd like that, pansy!

 

Knuckles: Enough already! We got out safely, and that's what counts. We're home free.

 

[Suddenly, the Flying Person-of-Dutch-Extraction surfaces right next to Black Pearl, in a dramatic, borderline “Hunt for Red October” style {Author's Note: Yes, I love that movie, awful accents and all}.]

 

Arthas: Ah, fuck.

 

Boris: Well said.

 

Knuckles: Not to worry, I have this entirely under control!

 

[Knuckles grabs his jar of dirt and strides up to railing of the Black Pearl. Big the Cat, on the deck of the Flying Person-of-Dutch-Extraction, stares at him.]

 

Knuckles: Well, I see you've come crawling back to Captain Knuckles the Echidna! You were all like “I don't need you”, and now you're back begging for another ride on the Knu-

 

[Knuckles falls down a flight of stairs. He gets back up, clutching his jar of dirt.]

 

Knuckles: Someone could have told me about those stairs. In any case, I see you've come to negotiate with me. And do you know what I've got? Besides a large wang? No? You don't? I've got a jar of dirt! A really nice jar of dirt! And hey, guess what's inside this jar of dirt! And no, dirt isn't the answer I'm looking for!

 

Big: SHUT UP!

 

[Dozens of cannons slide out all along the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction. Knuckles gulps.]

 

Knuckles: (amazingly calm) Hard to starboard.

 

Rouge: HARD TO STARBOARD!

 

Sonic: Brace the…squibs…or something!

 

Boris: Turn this damn thing to starboard!

 

Big: SEND THEM TO THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN!

 

[As the Pearl begins to turn, the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction opens fire. The cannonade tears through parts of the Black Pearl's hull and totally wrecks the captain's cabin.]

 

Arthas: (looking through the gaping hole that used to be the captain's cabin) Well, that wasn't exactly what I had in mind when I suggested remodeling…

 

[The scene cuts to the deck of the Flying Person-of-Dutch-Extraction.]

 

Big: Let them taste…the triple guns!

 

Crewmember who looks exactly like Sauron: Yes, captain.

 

[Two sets of three barreled cannons roll out of the front of the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction, and start blasting away. The scene cuts back to the Black Pearl.]

 

Rouge: She's falling behind!

 

Knuckles: (eye level with Rouge's ass) Talking about behinds…

 

Boris: Comrades, we're breaking away!

 

Sonic: We're faster than the Person-of-Dutch-Extraction?

 

Boris: Aye. She's faster against the wind, but with the wind…we have the advantage.

 

Arthas: In other words, we're better from the rear.

 

[The scene cuts to the deck of the Flying Person-of-Dutch-Extraction again.]

 

Big the Cat: They're out of range. Change our heading by 30 degrees port.

 

Kerrigan: We're giving up?

 

Big the Cat: Oh-ho-ho! We just want them to think we are…

 

[Big turns to look as the giant screw/piston/hammer/whatchacallit is raised out of the deck.]

 

Big: We'll let the Kraken (ominous drum beat) finish the job. And seriously, find the moron wailing on that drum and keelhaul him.

 

[The scene cuts once more to the Black Pearl. The crew is celebrating as they see the Flying Person-of-Dutch-Extraction break of its pursuit.]

 

Cervantes: Arr!

 

[The crew cheers.]

 

Sonic: My dad is on that ship! If we can outrun her, we can take her!

 

Knuckles: Is that your policy towards all women?

 

Sonic: What?

 

Knuckles: Never mind, don't stress your brain trying to figure that one out. And why should we fight…when we can negotiate? All we need is the right…leverage.

 

[Suddenly, the entire Black Pearl shudders and the jar of dirt goes flying down a deck, where it shatters. Knuckles bolts down the stairs and starts frantically scooping through the spilled dirt.]

 

Knuckles: Where is it? Where the fuck is that blasted heart? It was right here…it was going thump-thump…did it slide under the floorboards?

 

[Knuckles grabs Gordon Freeman's crowbar and starts trying to pry up the floorboards.]

 

Arthas: The hell is going on?

 

Boris: We must have hit a reef! Or some shit!

 

Sonic: Those words sound oddly familiar…oh my God…it isn't a reef! GET AWAY FROM THE SIDES!

 

Rouge: What is it?

 

Sonic: It's…the Kraken (ominous drum beat)! TO ARMS!