D. Gray-man Fan Fiction ❯ Circus of Night ❯ My Home That Never Was ( Chapter 12 )

Disclaimer: I do not own DGM, because if I did, it would be FAR more angst filled and Kandy would NEVER EVER WEAR A SHIRT… or underwear :D ;D but leather pants, HELL YES!

 

WARNING! There is a chance that you might get teary eyed with this chapter, so be ready to have your heart broken

 

Note from Israfel: It's angsty to the extreme because Allen is just so… well…you've read so far… damn I have a wrist cramp now… u_u

 

As of present I'd like to say thanks for all the reviews, I'm trying to reply to them but I have no net at home so it's a little hard for me to do so, but I do when I get the chance…

 

 

CircUs of NIghT

 

~My Home That Never Was~

 

 

Allen is shivering, trembling violently.

 

He is sitting on the couch in Komui's office, breathing heavily. His back burns, his arm stings, and his feet… He cannot explain how much pain runs through his body when he stands… The boy closes his eyes and concentrates on breathing…

 

Cross is talking with the Asian man he has learned is Komui and Bookman is standing off to the side, watching as if everything was merely a show. He breathes in deeply, his lungs burning from the oxygen, his mind to preoccupied to remember the simple need to breathe…

 

Allen swallows thickly, his throat dry. He looks down at his legs, covered by the all too large jacket. Cross and Komui are arguing over whether or not he should remove it…

 

“You need a face mask, to block the scent…” Cross sounds tired, aggravated. Komui frowns, staring at the red-haired man. He is tired and it has been a long night, a long time since he has dealt with anything of this sort.

 

“Fine,” He agrees after a moment, giving in, too exhausted to argue with the man. “You need one too?”

 

“We all do.”

 

“You should know that the general is right.” Bookman surprises the two of them from the other side of the room. “From what I know about the Circus, there are documented cases where the cursed give off a scent during the night, something that relaxes their patrons…”

 

The two men look back at each other before Komui nods and goes to a filing cabinet that is off to the side in the room, one that he uses to put random tools and such in. He pulls out a few cloth masks, the only things he can use at the moment.

 

“They're made from the same material as the exorcist's jackets, the cloth is meant to mask their scent so it's harder to track them.” Komui states the fact more for Bookman's sake then for Cross's.

 

Allen looks down at his feet, a sudden searing pain ripping through them as the designs on them start to unwind. He closes his eyes, waiting for the pain to pass, unaware of what is going on around him. He jumps when he feels a hand on him, flinching and pulling away on instinct, something that causes Komui to frown behind his mask.

 

“Allen, you need to take the jacket off.” The boy relaxes at the sound of Cross's voice, something that is noticed by the three men in the room.

 

“Yes, Master…” His voice is soft, shaking some from the pain that is coursing through him at the moment. The boy moves slowly, his hands trembling as he removes the hood from his head and the coat from his body.

 

The scent that floods the room forces Komui to lean back, to blink a few times, understanding Cross now. He glances at the man before looking back down at the boy, at his appearance.

 

“Lean forward,” The general speaks in a kind voice, something that is unusual to the Asian man, something that Bookman mentally takes note of. Allen does as instructed, so much so that he leans completely down, his arms against his chest and his face against his knees.

 

“The wings are interesting,” Komui can't help but start to reach out and touch one, only to have the leaf like object tremble and flatten against the boy's body. Cross blinks, a little surprised to see that they can move.

 

“Allen, you can move them?” He asks, unsure if the boy can consciously move them or if it's something subconscious.

 

“Yes, Master…” His voice is soft, shaking still, something that is caused by a mix of fear and pain. He flexes his wings a little, opening them wider for a moment and letting them tremble before snapping flat against his back again. “They…they hurt though, right now…every thing hurts…”

 

“Where do you hurt the most?” Komui is the one to ask, glancing at Cross a moment before turning his attention back to the boy. For a moment Allen is silent, concentrating on his breathing, on the sharp pain that sears through his feet and up his legs, on the burning of his back, of his shoulder blades…

 

…and of the sensation that is centered in his low back, something that seems rather persistent, something that is there even when the rest of the pain is not…

 

“My…low back…” Bookman watches a look of pain flash across the red-haired man's face, watches him close his eyes a moment and look away.

 

“Allen…you need to pull your kimono down so that we can see.” Cross is the one to say it, is the one to keep his eyes adverted while Allen does so. He knows what is there already, knows what the Circus Master has done. He does not know if Komui will get it right away…

 

Bookman moves closer to the three, a mask covering his nose and mouth, and looks down at the boy, at the leaf wings and at the…

 

…the open Lotus on the small of Allen's back.

 

“He ate one.” Bookman is the first to speak, the only one to fully understand what the boy, the child, has done.

 

There is a knock at the door, soft enough for the three men to not notice, not notice until it is too late as Lavi opens the door and slips in.

 

-

 

The younger red-head blinks, staring over at Cross and Komui and at Bookman, all three of which have their mouth covered, all three who look up at his entrance, all who have a sudden look of surprise come over their faces.

 

“…what's…what's that scent?” Lavi swallows thickly, his throat suddenly dry, his head spinning strangely. He feels dizzy for some reason, dizzy and oddly-

 

“Don't breath.” Cross is the one to give the command while Bookman glares at his student.

 

“What kind of thing is that to say?”

 

“The scents coming from Allen.” Komui says it ignoring what Lavi has said. “It's going to…drug you…”

 

“You're going to want to sleep with him.” Cross says it so bluntly that he is given a look from Komui, and a glare from Lavi, whose mind is starting to slow down…

 

He tries to remind himself that he's not supposed to care…

 

“No I…” it is now that Allen has decided to sit up, is looking over at Lavi from the other side of the couch.

 

“You do, don't you?” Bookman asks after a second, seeing the younger red-head just stare at Allen, just stare at the boy intently, like he is memorizing his face.

 

“I…NO!” Lavi shakes his head looking away, dizzy, so strangely dizzy.

 

“Just sit down and don't do anything.” Komui is pointing at his desk, at something that is a decent distance away from Allen.

 

“Do it.” Bookman adds, trying to think of a way to use this moment. “Take the time to memorize what it does to your system, we can use the information.”

 

“I don't want to…” Lavi stares at the three older men, his eyes drifting to Allen every few seconds. The boy looks…different from before.

 

His face is flushed…

 

And he is panting lightly, from the pain he is in…

 

But…

 

His lips are oddly red…

 

And there are small tears in his eyes…

 

And…

 

Lavi looks away shaking his head, his hands tingling, his body oddly warm… He nods after a moment, walking towards Komui's desk, his legs feeling like jelly. The young man sits down and closes his eyes, trying to catalog the sensations that are running through his body…

 

…and he realizes he has felt this before…

 

-

 

Cross looks back down at Allen, who is staring at Lavi, at the younger red head who is looking confused. He looks back up at the general after a moment, opens his mouth a little wider, his lips trembling.

 

“I-I'm…I'm sorry…she did it…because of what I am…”

 

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Cross is frowning behind the mask that covers his nose and mouth, frowning because he is hating how scared and sad Allen is looking, how his voice shakes when he speaks.

 

“I'm sorry master…I-it's because of my name…because of what I am…” Komui looks away, the tears that are starting to appear in the boy's eyes making his heart hurt, creating a new wave of guilt inside him.

 

“It's like my skin…she did it…I'm sorry…” Allen is looking down at his lap, his body trembling, shaking as he starts to fall apart before everyone in the room.

 

“It's something that you couldn't have told her no about.”

 

Cross is closing his eyes, is looking away from Allen, from everyone in the room. He is angry, pissed, mad at the Circus Master, at himself for not arriving faster. The man opens his eyes, looks back at the boy, at the child crying before him.

 

“I don't know…I don't remember if I asked for this or not…”

 

“NO!” Komui jumps, a little surprised at Cross for suddenly sounding so angry. “You didn't want this, any of it, you fought to protect yourself.” At this the man closes his eyes, images from Timcanpy's memories filling his mind, to painful, to disgusting for him to forget.

 

“How…how do you know…” Allen is crying still, too tired to try and stop the tears, too confused about everything that is happening.

 

“Tim…” Komui is the one to say it, glancing over at Lavi who is staring at them with a glazed expression, only vaguely aware of what is going on around him. “We need to see what Tim recorded…”

 

Bookman nods along with the Asian man, looking over at the small creature that has decided to sit atop a bookcase and watch the spectacle below. Cross swallows thickly, the anxiety he is feeling written clear on his face.

 

“Those…those are things that you won't want to see…things that just aren't…right…”

 

“They're of me from before…?” Allen's voice is trembling, shaking as he stares up at Cross, begging, pleading for permission to see his previous self.

 

“No.”

 

“Please Master…”

 

“He was raped wasn't he…” Komui can feel it, in the back of his mind, the dread creeping up on him, the sensation prickling his skin, clenching his heart. He knows about the circus, knows what they do to people, knows what Allen has become…

 

Cross nods slowly, the image of Allen crying, of him pleading sorry to Timcanpy fills his mind.

 

“Can I see myself…”

 

And Cross caves, caves because Allen is asking him, because…he just can't hold out any longer…

 

“Tim come here…” He plans to stop the recording before they can see the boy covered in blood, before they can catch a glimpse of how terrified he had been when he sent Tim for help…

 

-

 

The scent is fading from the room and everyone is silent. Komui feels like he is going to be sick, and Lavi has already been sick. Bookman is standing still, an unreadable expression on his face. Cross is look off at the bookcase near by, trying not to think about what he has just seen…again… He looks over at Allen after a moment, at the boy who resembles his previous self at the moment.

 

“I…” He opens his mouth, trying to form a sentence. His begs and pleads, his cries of pain still in his mind, pain of something that he understands but does not remember… “I deserved it.” His sentence is firm and it causes bile to fill the back of Komui's throat, to burn his mouth.

 

“No you didn't.” Cross is hating himself for not having killed that woman when he was there.

 

“I was wrong Master, I did not please him…I was bad…”

 

“NO!” Lavi is standing now, still behind Komui's desk, his head still fuzzy and his mind still slow. “NO ONE DESERVES TO BE RAPED!”

 

And Allen turns his attention to the younger redhead, a dull burning sensation in his lower back, something he is growing used to.

 

“I am no one though…” Komui reaches up and pinches the bridge of his nose, pain and guilt seizing his heart, making it hard for him to breathe.

 

“I have no will, nothing of my own, I am property…and I was wrong…I did not please him…” Allen closes his eyes a moment, looks up at Cross when he opens them.

 

“I am Masters and I will do as Master says…” There is nothing that is said after that, Cross is at the end of his line, hanging on to his emotions by a thread, hate and rage bubbling up inside of him.

 

“Allen Let's go to your room, you should rest…” The boy stands obediently, lets Cross adjust his appearance before following the man to the door.

 

“I can't talk about this anymore today…”

 

And Komui does not press the man for details like he has done over the phone because he understands for the first time what has really happened, what the boy is really like now…

 

-

 

Linalee is sitting atop her bed in her room.

 

Her eyes are red and her body is trembling lightly. She is crying again, still. She wants to understand, to go to her brother and yell at him to explain, to tell her everything. She wants him to cave into her will as he has done in the past…but…

 

This is something she is certain he won't do.

 

She closes her eyes a moment, a fresh wave of tears filling them, spilling onto the surface. Linalee can't control it any more and she gives in, gives into her fears and thinks the worst of things, thinks of all the horrific scenarios that she can.

 

She cries until she is numb, until she thinks she can't cry anymore…

 

…and that is when Lavi knocks on her door, wanting to talk to someone, someone other then Komui at the moment.

 

“Linalee open up…” His voice is weak sounding, broken to the other. “Please…”

 

“Will you tell me what is going on?!” The female shouts, her voice cracking from her tears.

 

“…I'll tell you …” Lavi is leaning against the door, his head resting against the cool wood. He nearly falls when Linalee opens the door, catching himself the second he starts to.

 

“Why did he do that to me?” The redhead does not need to look her to know that she has been crying.

 

“He doesn't remember you.”

 

“Why?”

 

“He doesn't remember anyone…” Lavi is speaking more to himself at the moment, thinking about what Allen has said, the boy's words repeating in his mind.

 

“Lavi…” Linalee can see it now, can see that something has happened, something that she is unaware of.

 

“I hate your brother, because he sent him there, because he destroyed our friend…” Linalee watches the redhead sit down on her bed, watches him reach up and press his palms into his eyes.

 

“Please just tell me…”

 

“I can't, not everything…”

 

“But you just said you would!” Linalee shouts, her frustration with not knowing escalating.

 

“He's a slave, and he listens to Cross, does what ever the man says without question…” Linalee swallows, her throat going dry. “He said he deserved to be RAPED!” Lavi looks over at the female, his single eye showing an abnormal amount of pain.

 

“Lavi…are you trying not to care…?” The small female's words astound him, break him the moment they meet his ears.

 

“…yes…” He whispers after a moment, feeling like everything in the world has gone wrong.

 

“Then don't, I won't tell…”

 

And Lavi does, he let's go of who he is…

 

Of the fact that he is supposed to be a Bookman,

 

Of the fact that he is not supposed to care,

 

Of the fact that he knows he is falling in love with two different people at the same time…

 

-

 

Cross opens the door and lets Allen into the room he has been told is his. For a moment the boy just stands there, just looks around, at the odd gothic items in the room, at the floor, at the bed and at the painting on the wall, one that was made to replace one from when he first joined the Order. Allen looks back at Cross, waiting for the man to say something.

 

When he never does he turns completely, dressed once more in the general's coat.

 

“What does Master want to do?” Cross has come into the room, has shut the door. He knows he needs to tell the boy he does not have to ask, that he can do as he wants…

 

…but every time he opens his mouth to speak he is reminded of what Allen has said.

 

“I deserved it.”

 

“Do you know what this room is?” The man is tired and he does not want to have this conversation, but he knows that it is needed.

 

“This is Master's room.”

 

“No, Allen it's not, it's your room.” The boy stares at him, looking so much like the child Cross remembers, the child he promised Mana he would protect.

 

It is then that a thought, one he has been trying to ignore, enters his mind.

 

And Cross is suddenly pissed because he knows it's true.

 

The man blinks, realizing that Allen is staring at him, his shoulders slouched, his frame shrinking before him. He realizes the boy thinks he has angered him.

 

“This is your room, Allen,” The man repeats himself, keeping his voice calm, though it comes out drained.

 

“This is Masters then…”

 

“No, it's yours. You own the things in the dresser, the painting on the wall, this is yours, not mine.” Cross watches the boy's face, watches the confused look he is giving him.

 

“I do not own anything, what was mine is no longer mine… It is Master's…” Cross stares at Allen, at his eyes that are dead set on saying this. He shakes his head, tries to think of another way of getting it through to the boy.

 

“Allen…” He walks over to the boy, picks up his hand, “This is yours, it's attached to you.”

 

“It is Masters; I do not own myself…” Cross frowns, frustrated with the boy again.

 

“No it is not, I do not own you.” Allen stares at him, confusion written clear on his face.

 

“I do not understand…” He says after a moment.

 

“This, what is this attached to?” Cross takes hold of the child's elbow, holds it in his hand, trying another approach.

 

“It is attached to me.” Allen says in a definite manner.

 

“And that means it is yours.” For a moment the red-haired man thinks he has gotten the other to understand, thinks that he might be able grasp what free will is…

 

“But that is Masters…” And Cross lets out a sound of frustration turning and moving towards the door, too tired and too drained to do this now.

 

“No Allen that is not mine, it is YOURS!” Silence fills the room for a moment, silence that is filled with the man's heavy breathing.

 

“Is…is…Master frustrated with me?” The general glares at him, not understanding what the boy has really meant.

 

“Yes I am.” He replies instantly.

 

And to his horror Allen drops the exorcist jacket…

 

…and his kimono…

 

“Then may I alleviate that frustration?” His voice is innocent enough, but he is standing there, naked before the man. “May I please you Master?”

 

Cross is speechless, is wanting to scream at the child…

 

…is wanting to scream at him and give in, to let him do just as he has asked.

 

The thought goes through his mind, and he opens his mouth, about to say yes, when a memories floats to the surface, the memories of the Circus Master and her curse…

 

…for a toy of mine you shall be

 

If the one inside you is not of your heart…

 

“No…I can't sleep with you…” Cross shakes his head, amazed that he has not remembered sooner, amazed that he can't just give in, that he'll lose the boy completely if he does.

 

“Get some rest and don't leave the room.” The man turns and leaves, shutting the door behind him with a snap.

 

And he has no idea just how much Allen listens to him…

 

…eh-heh-heh… SO…how many of you cried for Lavi, and had your heart broken by Allen's words? Who wanted Cross to give in? :D NOT ME! At least not yet XD I have plans, massive plans, and I had an idea in this chapter, something involves Lavi and the damned love triangle he is creating for himself. ALSO this is a fast update because, guess what time it is! Yup that's right it FIXATED TIME >.< It's time for me to go and write a chapter of that…

 

BUT the good news about the next late up date will be this, I AM GOING TO FINISH A ONESHOT ALONG SIDE IT, and what's even better it's a YULLEN one, a MASSIVE nose bleed one ;D The reason I can't do that one along side this is because it's written in past tense, just as my hitachiincest fic is written, and switching from past tense to present and back again is REALLY hard on my brain, so I'm going to finish up all my past tense fic's meaning I'm going to finish Twelve days (the hitachiincest LEMON) and the yullen LEMON as well as the hitachiincest chappie, so happy waiting for when I come back, bearing Yullen gifts, in the form of a one shot, a CoN update and a PW (Perfect Weakness) update \0/

 

The next CoN chapter is called: The One I Obey, yeah it's obvious that Allen~chan needs to learn what free will means… >.<

 

 

Au Revoir,

~Israfel~