Death Note Fan Fiction ❯ A Balm for Social Failure ❯ At A Safe Distance ( Chapter 18 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

A Balm for Social Failure

(Chapter 18: At A Safe Distance)
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

Disclaimer: see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

A/N: Sorry, sorry! Lateness was due to another scheduling clash with my lovely beta. I will try and have her finish the other two chapters I've written ahead, so the long wait (oooooh the waaaaaiting!!!) will not happen again.

Read, Review, have a complementary baked good of your choice. I'm stocked. The world is your oyster! Nom Nom Nom.

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Chapter 18:

"Sir, is something wrong? You haven't touched your sweets all morning."

L picked up a cinnamon raspberry scone and halfheartedly took a bite. "I'm just distracted, Watari. I'm fine. I need time to think." L swiveled his chair and stared glumly at old video taken when the investigation team had still been working on the Kira case. In a fit of obsessive compulsive behavior he'd decided to comb the old tapes for anything that might give him an edge in his present situation. How long had Kira been a separate entity? Was it only a recent occurrence? Or was there, perhaps, evidence of the personality forming from the very beginning? Would he see the obscure clues to it this time since he knew what to look for?

I should watch the first encounter I had with him...

L looked over his shoulder to see Watari watching him with concern. But I cannot, not with him here...

"Is there something I can do for you, Watari?" he asked the white haired man.

"As a matter of fact, sir, you can."

L waited a moment, before prompting him out of impatience, "And that would be?" He really felt the need to go over the video of that night - the one where Light took the first steps in pressing their odd relationship. The first time L had begun to feel trapped by the other boy.

"First, I would like you to actually eat that." The older man pointed to the scone L had abandoned on the table next to his keyboard. L frowned at it. He was not hungry. He often felt he couldn't be bothered to eat when his mind was humming at full speed, gnawing desperately at one thing or another. It was too troublesome.

He picked it up and took another tasteless bite. "What else can I do for you?"

Watari frowned. "To be honest, sir, I would like you to give up this notion you have that you can contain and control one of the most vicious and intelligent serial killers this world has ever seen. No doubt you are the only person who would have the barest chance of success... but it is too dangerous. His mind is never still, and I think it is foolish of you to think he will owe you any allegiance for saving his life. It is only a matter of time before he finds something to twist to his advantage-"

"Are you finished?" L said flatly, cutting him off.

"I... I suppose that is all I wished to convey, sir."

"Then leave me. I have work to do." L turned his back on the man that had watched over him since he was young. His words had stung with the bite of truth they delivered. But he was not of a mind to hear it. He knew all of that already. Watari was the one that was in the dark. If he had any inkling of the things that had transpired between himself and Light, L had no doubt Watari would pull his trump card and have L restrained and dragged back to England. Their organization would have him then, and his freedom would be at an end. It would be little better than being their pet brain. Just another mind to help form and guide the young ones that would eventually take over positions such as the one he occupied now.

Damn you, Light. In every area, I have no quarter.

L bit his thumb and chewed harshly, the pain alleviating some of the tension settling in his shoulders. And Watari was right to doubt him. He would never have guessed he would flirt with danger to this extreme. It bordered on insane. But his choices were limited. He could not bear to extinguish Light. Watari must not find out the truth of everything. If he did, not only would L be taken back to Whammy House in metaphorical chains, but Light would, without a doubt, be executed for real.

Damn you, Kira. If you weren't so well-formed, this would not be such an issue. Part of him wanted to wash his hands of this entire mess. To give himself an escape from the fear that lashed through him at even the thought of Kira's presence. But Light... he couldn't and wouldn't abandon him. It was not really an option. Maybe it never had been. He was in too deep to ever try to save himself.

"Sir," Watari broke into his thoughts, surprising him. He was still here? "I think it best that you know I am foregoing judgment on the current situation, not because I feel your choices are unbiased, but because I believe you are doing what you feel is necessary. And, partly, because I feel responsible for the inception of this... thing... with my previous carelessness."

He's referring to the time he let Light into the hotel room against my express orders. Even if that had been avoided, eventually the outcome would be the same. Sooner or later, Light would have found his way to me. He's too clever and focused. I was in trouble the moment he targeted me. "It is alright. What's done is done. I do not blame you for that -"

"I blame myself, sir. I should have realized that your extended interest in another person would yield such consequences..."

L's brow furrowed and he turned around to face his mentor. "What - exactly - are you trying to say?" Am I that unfit for human contact?

"L, please understand. You are like a son to me... I was thinking only of your happiness. I thought that in confronting your desire for contact, your interest would flag and with it, your obsession. I wanted for you to be able to focus on work again. Everything about this last case has been all wrong."

L's frown deepened. It really would be moving if Watari truly thought of him as one of his offspring, and harbored a familial fondness for him, but... to say that as a preface for wanting him to erase distractions and get back to work? "I agree the Kira case has been unprecedented," L said cagily. He never really questioned Watari's allegiance to him before... but thinking on it now, he supposed that Watari's first priority would have to be their organization. It saddened him to realize he'd taken a lot for granted. Was he this alone in the world? That his only place to belong was in the arms of an equal that harbored death in his soul?

"L, I want you to know that you can talk to me. About anything."

And that might well be a lie, my old friend... "I have nothing that I wish to discuss, but thank you for the sentiment."

Watari smiled. "You always did prefer to do things on your own." His expression grew serious. "Lawliet. I will help you as much as I am able. I watch over you, but there are those that watch over the both of us. You are undertaking something that will make them question both your motives and my silence. If things go too far, I will act with the intent of saving you. I will not let a human monster destroy you. Even if that is what you want."

L blinked at him blankly, his mind teeming. He'd suspected much of this, but to hear Watari voice it.... They were watching, but their attention was lax. That may not remain the case. If they ever found out that L had faked a public execution, and remained with the murderer even at his own peril... It would not be pretty.

"I beg you, sir, do not let this get out of control."

Watari's earnestness made L feel like suddenly and inappropriately laughing. It was spiraling out of control at this very moment. "If Light-kun were proven to be an asset, another intellect to be bent to our organization's will, they would not condemn his preservation."

"Perhaps not..."

"Then that is my aim. I will do my best to convince him that this will afford him the most freedom that we can offer. Though I am sure you have noticed his temperament declining as his confinement continues?"

"I have indeed," Watari said reluctantly.

"Part of that is due to his inability to be parted with me. Sustained contact with another human being, indefinitely, is enough to drive most people to insanity. I think it would be good for everyone involved if we have you take over, and teach him what he will need to know in preparation of our move to England."

"If he were of a mind, I would not be able to protect myself against him."

"He has no cause to harm you, Watari. Even so, I have accounted for that unlikely scenario. I will take turns with you, of course, so that you may sleep and have time to yourself, but I will ask you to take the majority of the task."

Watari frowned, but nodded. "In exchange, I really do wish to see you eat. You are becoming thinner than normal, sir. It worries me. Only things of great magnitude put you off your food, and that makes me hesitant to accept your assurances."

"You know me well." L had more that he would have liked to say, but simplicity was best and helped avoid additional probing.

"You are not physically involved with the Yagami boy, are you?"

L smothered the flair of anxious surprise that surged up through his stomach. "I've told you what happened that day you went against my orders..." he did not want to lie to Watari. Lies were easier to detect than a swaying around the truth.

"Yes, but... I meant a continuation of such things..."

"Would I have cause to continue in something I always found to be a blatant waste of time? Watari, you know how I feel about closeness with other people."

"I do, sir, but where he is concerned, you are not yourself. I'm afraid that physical intimacy would cloud over even your judgment as well as giving him a tool with which to manipulate the situation, were he to successfully seduce you."

L decided he did not like hearing such utterances from the very proper British man he grew up with. He did, however, have an extremely valid point. "It is nice to know that you are certain I would fall prey to a boy's advances without much adieu," L said with his mouth twisting in irony.

"He is an attractive young man, so I see it as an entirely possible outcome. Though with a mind such as his, I believe that you would feel drawn to him no matter what he looked like or what gender he happened to be."

"Watari, I do have standards. I'm not going to be sexually interested in just any genius that comes my way, no matter how exquisitely brilliant they are."

"That is not true, sir; You have never before had need of a set of standards as you do not display intimate inclinations towards anyone. Your fixation with Yagami is the closest to that I have seen you come. I was concerned."

"I appreciate your concern, even though I feel it to be unnecessary. But really, I must get back to work. I have several things I want to wrap up and then I want to continue with the Buhrghur case. With you occupying Light in the coming days, I may even have time to complete the auxiliary cases my primary contacts would have me take on."

"That would be good, sir. There have been inquiries as to our lack of productivity of late."

L stuck out his lip in a mock pout. "Are super geniuses not allowed a holiday? Especially after such a wearying case as the last one? Is it really expected that we work ourselves to the bone around the clock?"

"It would appear so," the man said with a kindly smile. "Now finish your scone and I'll let you get back to work."

L nodded, picking up the scone and taking a bite as his eyes returned to the monitors. He fiddled with some statistics and data he had on screen for the Buhrghur case for several minutes, making notes here and there, until he was sure Watari would leave him be for the remainder of the evening. He then chucked the half-eaten scone in the trash bin and flicked the screens back to the old footage, leaving one small window open to stream live footage from where Light was currently being kept.

Multitasking pleased him in a way little else did. When not fully occupied, his mind ran at a breakneck pace just trying to keep itself from destructing in a fit of insular boredom. Multitasking was relaxing.

However, this particular instance was, perhaps, less so. L began to gnaw gently at his thumb as he watched Light pace in the room they used to share. He was, no doubt, bored and would likely be angry when he realized things were going to change. It wasn't like there were a plethora of options at L's disposal. He needed distance from LightKira, or Kira as it were. Especially after that last engagement. L scratched distractedly at his stomach, thinking how lucky it was that his damaged skin was for the most part hidden beneath his baggy, long-sleeved shirt. If Watari knew everything, control would be wrested from L's hands.

L guided his mind away from that night.

If he were to dwell upon that experience, his limbs would began to shake and his mind would grow unstable with the rattling of his emotions and his very visceral fear and dread. Was he lucky that what he suffered was the extent of his damage? Was Kira feeling benevolent during his violation?

Kira... his conquest was perhaps enacted partly only to destroy what L felt for Light. For the sole purpose of entertainment? L frowned. It was unclear. If not that, then Kira in some way desired him, and enjoyed his sadism for an entirely different reason.

It did appear that the latter was more the case, but L quailed at the admission of such a possibility. What would Kira's amorous attentions entail for the hapless person subjected to them? Was it ultimately survivable?

Motion caught L's eyes once more and he continued to watch Light's agitated strides. He regretted his inability to act normally towards the brunette after being in Kira's tender care. It had been all he could do to act calm and unaffected. Logically, Kira and Light were two different people, but they shared the same face. Being human, L found it profoundly difficult not to see one reflected in the other at any given time. Light was within Kira, even as Kira defiled him, just as Kira lurked within Light even when Light was at his most vulnerable.

How do I make you whole?

Pacing. Pacing. Like a caged animal. Light's lean body carried tension in every muscle. He was restless. He was wondering why L kept disappearing. He was angry at his loss of control over Kira. Certainly such thoughts filled that beautiful head of his. Surely such things were responsible for the frown set upon his full lips and the glazed look to his amber eyes.

Even now, I can't help but be drawn to you.

L shook his head. He minimized that window and pursued the footage he'd so wanted to see before Watari had interrupted.

---

Light was beginning to believe this frown of his would be etched indelibly upon his face for the remainder of his existence. L's fault, of course.

So what if he was having a small issue with keeping himself together? Was Kira really all that bad? Perhaps L was overreacting; he was being unforgivably dramatic, making himself scarce the last several days. Light eyed Watari and felt his boredom peak at the unappealing form his new companion presented. He was intelligent, yes, but nothing when compared to L. And certainly, much less... entertaining.

These past days had seemed longer than any Light could remember. In that time, he had spent much of his unoccupied time analyzing himself, L, and the entire situation. His conclusion was that, while he may indeed have developed a slight case of split personalities, it was L's fault for pushing the Kira issue until Light had, understandably, snapped. That, and being handcuffed and under the pressure of suspicion without a flicker of hope on the horizon for a normal existence...

You hated your normal existence, a voice in his head whispered. It was excruciatingly boring.

Oh, yes, he was being unreasonable again...

This claustrophobic air was partly to blame. L was the only thing that was able to distract him fully - the reason he'd pursued the dark-haired detective with such urgency. But GOD, he was so bored, it was no wonder he was rewriting everything in his head, it gave him something to DO.

It bothered him that there was a part of himself that he had no control over, that was potentially doing damage to the bond he had forged with L. The more he replayed his last conversation he'd had with the dark-eyed boy, the more profoundly it upset him that the detective had acted so strangely. Never had L hidden himself so fully, guarding against him with all he had. Kira had had that effect on him.

How strange to know that you were present when something took place and yet it could be as distant as if you had never been there at all. His own hands and mouth had marked that pale body in such intimate and painful ways, yet his mind recalled nothing. L feared the self he could not control; now he treated both of them the same.

If something does not change...

L may wash his hands of me.

I don't want that.

But if Kira began as a mere aspect of myself that has gained force and detachment, it stands to reason that he is a persona created of existing pieces and not fabricated ones. Therefore L is in fear of something that will be a part of me either way - whether Kira is reabsorbed or not. Has he considered this? Light frowned more intensely. Of course, he must have. He is logical to a fault. But this... this borders on things that are not of his expertise. He fought getting involved with me from the very beginning. He has always had fear in his eyes - fear that always seemed to excite me rather than put me off.

Does L enjoy my pursuit?

He submits to me in the end... and I can see the way I affect him. It is not unwanted when I push him to physical satiation. He is not fighting me in earnest. He never has.

Does something in him need me to take him over so fully that he has no way to back out? Does he need that to justify himself? I find that odd, then... If Kira were to pursue him in a similar fashion, why is it so very different? What am I like when I am like that?

(So very different...)

(No act is barred.)

(Kira is freedom. Kira acts without consequence.)

...I am free from restrictions and I can take whatever I want.

Light noted the voice that was not quite his own and dispelled it. Kira was his id, then. Kira embodied all of his deepest desires, no matter how dark or base. It was an alluring thought - being able to live unfettered by the chains of obligations, rules, and morals. But what was the use in that if you lost yourself in the process? To live under the sway of your id was a short path to destruction. To live without care of reality or the needs of others... to live only to satisfy yourself...

It was distasteful, to be honest. It was everything he had faulted his victims for. He valued self-control. Yet, he had succumbed to the very thing he despised in others without even realizing it. Did L harbor a hatred for that unrefined part of himself? Did the Kira part of him revel in the pain, pleasure and amusement he could wring from the dark-haired boy when unburdened by conscience?

And what of emotion? This near solitude and separation from L was making him realize some things. He was sensing his interest in L was of a capacity he did not know existed within himself. Something which made him deeply uncomfortable when he confronted it directly. Emotions were so dangerous, were they not? Strings to mount yourself upon so that others could manipulate you.

Did I hurt you, L?

Did you look into my face as Kira did those things to you, and curse your involvement with me? Did you regret saving me?

Am I a monster, that those marks on your skin looked as vile to me as they did beautiful?

Light smiled humorlessly. I am a creature at odds with myself... He reclined on the small bed in the room, ignoring the British man's dull typing on the other side. How long until L disposes of me? Surely the hypocrisy I embody will get under his skin and dig away at him until he cannot bear it any longer. But then again, emotions are involved. When that is the case, all bets are off.

I miss your dark eyes...

Your hesitant manner when I cage you...

Your defiance right before you crumble and yield to me...

This was no good. He'd gotten so used to having L at his disposal, that the loss of him was a gnawing thing. He shifted on the bed. See, L? There is that frown you have forged for me to wear. He wanted access to that brilliant mind. He wanted the thrill of facing L's dark gaze when they flashed in challenge. He wanted to partake of that body, to feel the pulse of blood beneath his lips.

A wild shudder tore through him as he relived the feel of being cradled within the warmth of that reluctant body, of tasting his mouth between shuddered breaths.

Oh, L, you torture me. I never desired anyone before you. I thought such things were only for the weak-minded.

How long are you going to make me wait?

Days? Weeks?

For a moment, Light cursed the presence of the older man who typed obliviously on his laptop. Solitude would have been better. At least then he would not have to become so well-acquainted with suppressing his desires. He hated the feeling of distraction they presented, although he had nothing else of import to focus upon. He had nothing but the insistent fantasies clouding his mind and racketing his body. It was like this before I ever took you, L. I was plagued with thoughts of you. It was a fast forming obsession;the need to be close to you.

...and the feel of you in my hands for the first time, the power I held over you in your weakest moments...

It was all I could have wished for.

It made me feel depraved, such was the joy that sang in my blood every time I dragged you down with me and made you mine.

Light rolled his eyes toward the English man and wished he could snuff his life out as easily as thought. He could tolerate this confinement then, if only he could have some privacy. I'll stay beneath your hand, L, but I do not wish to behave. His frustration was peaking with his body's increasing desire. He couldn't have L, and he could not even have a surrogate, imagined L to spend his lust upon. Maddening. How long will I be made to endure this, L? This, of all things, might truly break my mind.

Light sunk his teeth into the flesh of his palm in an attempt to cow his arousal with pain.

God, I'm a masochist too, now? he thought with disgust as heat flared in his belly.

Dammit, L. Why must you have this effect on me? Why must you keep your distance from me like this? I only want to ravish you and make you choke out my name. You want it, too, so don't try to lie to me. And don't expect me to remain so agreeable to the confines of this new prison you've dreamed up for me.

Even the best of intentions wear thin, my dear friend. And I cannot be bound forever.

"Watari?" he called out in a bored tone, masking the conflict of the storm raging within him.

The hands paused in their rapid pace upon the keys. "Yes, Yagami-kun?" His voice was polite, but there was an undercurrent of wariness that Light did not like. He could practically smell it, and it made him feel feral.

"It is permissible for me to use the restroom, I'd gather?"

Watari turned to look at him. "Of course," he said in confusion. "You continue to have that freedom. Nothing has changed."

"Well, one never knows when L has suddenly changed the rules..." he said in a darkly brooding voice as he sat up. "Where is my incorrigible little friend?" He affected an offhanded tone. "I haven't seen him in some time. Have you been talking to him on that?"

"L is working on his cases." Watari did not budge an inch. He gave nothing away.

"How rude of him to stay preoccupied while I am forced to the opposite. Which cases are they?"

"I am not able to share any information with you on that matter, Yagami-kun."

"Special orders?" he sneered lightly.

Watari's mouth compressed in a hard line.

"I think you are bending the truth here, Watari-san. L is not working on cases at all, is he? What is he doing? What is he doing that you disapprove of so much?"

The older man's posture stiffened infinitesimally. Light felt the warm flood of satisfaction flow into him as he confirmed that suspicion. I wonder if L is watching me, then? He always was a voyeur... Are you trying to figure me out, L? Are you trying to gain the upper hand from afar? A smile crept out upon his face, despite his efforts to keep it back. Watari looked a bit disturbed.

Light rose, stretching his frame to its maximum, easing the stiffness he'd acquired from the bed. "I do hope L decides to visit soon. I don't like the pattern my thoughts take on when I am forced to idleness for too long." I know I can't actually threaten the man's safety, but I can rattle him at least. His words had the desired effect. Maybe this will make L get his scrawny ass in gear. I'm sick of this waiting! "I have to use the restroom... I'll be right back."

He hadn't entirely worked out his current manner of binding. Though his cuffs had been removed, he wasn't foolish enough to think L hadn't devised a tighter system of security to accompany his visual freedom.

---

It was approximately 11pm when L came personally to relieve Watari of his post.

11pm, on a Thursday.

It had been a Sunday evening when L began this new system. From the inception, he decided it best to simply monitor the brunette via camera when Watari needed to rest. But it had been long enough now for that to end. He would go and evaluate Light's state of mind in the flesh. It was obvious by his behavior that he still had not figured out the specifics on how he was being held. It was also apparent that though he had been taken with pensive moods, in the absence of anything to do, he was also fighting increased agitation.

L had watched Watari take his leave before coming down, confirming Light's standard reaction - one that was full of satisfaction and displeasure. He was alone, but he knew he was not truly alone, and the boredom of having not even the older man's presence to distract him was grating. At least while Watari was there, there was the chance that he would be given information to memorize or digest, or have someone to secretly sneer at. L had caught those subtleties in his expression more than once.

The lock on the door clicked solidly as L accessed the room. It seemed as loud as a gunshot to his ears, and there was no way the brunette inside had not been alerted to his entry. He sucked in a quick, deep breath, nerves still jangling as he thought of facing the force that was Light. But he'd put this off long enough. And he'd missed the solemn, unwholesome amber eyes. They weren't always belonging to Kira, with sharp intensity that cut like glass. Light's eyes were his own. He mustn't see Kira within them.

The door swung wide, and L's eyes scoured the room for Light, scrambling for the quickest path to glimpse the brunette in those first seconds. A small breath of relief accompanied the twisting in his chest as he marked him laying in repose upon the bed, eyes closed.

"L this time?" Light said softly without looking. "To what do I owe this honor?"

L frowned, and closed the door behind him, not quite sure how to respond to the other boy's unexpected behavior. "Good evening, Light-kun."

Light cracked an eye open at that. "Are we to be formal, then, Ryuuzaki-kun?"

L shoved his hands deeper into the pockets of his jeans and scratched the top of one foot with the other. "Actually, I didn't mean for it to come out that way," he said honestly. A byproduct of his anxiousness, surely.

"Hn." Light resumed his dismissive posture - eyes closed, acting as if L were interrupting his napping. His body belied his attentiveness, however.

L decided to leave things lie. His laptop case's strap was digging into his shoulder, and he was glad to be able to set it down.

For being portable, laptops were entirely too heavy. Perhaps he should invest in something more high-tech and lightweight. L's brow furrowed. But... he liked everything else about the unit he had... and he disliked change. They'd probably put some new, overly bloated operating system on any new unit he chose as well as alter the layout of the keyboard for incomprehensible reasons. That would only serve to be incredibly annoying - he'd likely then leave the expensive hardware lying in some dusty corner, kicked aside in favor of his old, heavy laptop. A useless exercise.

L set his computer on the table, just where Watari had been using his, and couldn't dispel the feel on eyes on his back he'd had the entire time it'd been turned. Butterflies fluttered in his stomach. He took a moment to visualize their annihilation, but they burst forth anew within moments. Why am I so unsure of how to proceed? He pulled up information on the cases he was currently solving and wondered if Light was going to speak to him within this silence.

Or should I engage him?

Perhaps...

"Light," he tried to be conversational as he spoke over his shoulder. His fingers moved over the keys without effort. "I think you may find these current cases to be of interest..." It sounded lame even to his own ears.

"Did that occur to you just now? Or had you thought of that at all in the past several days?"

Ok. I get it, you were bored. L frowned. "There is no need to be antagonistic."

"I am very displeased with you," Light said simply, his voice sounding rather lackluster and plain. His words hung on the air between them.

"I apologize if you were bored, Light-kun," Oh, there I slipped again! He hates such formality... "I was indisposed-"

"Are you trying to make me angry, Ryuuzaki?" That rich voice was patient.

"Intentionally? No."

"You're sure...?"

"Reasonably so..."

"Then for what other reason would you find it apt to not even look at me, or to offer me these paltry words, which is all I have had from you in nearly a week?"

It was a strange quality that suffused his words. It evoked in L a sort of nervous guilt and he found he was reluctant to offer his gaze to the other boy. The butterflies were doing cartwheels as he looked up anyway.

Light remained in repose, but his face was turned L's way. The weight of those hooded golden eyes shivered through him. The brunette's lips moved, and it was with a delay that L heard his words, so fixated was he on the sensual curves of them. "Could you at the least play a game of chess with me, before dismissing me for work?" His tone was sulky and admonishing. It also pulled at L with wicked little strings.

"I suppose so," L murmured. "But I do not have a board." He registered the movement of his feet, only because of the sensation of the carpet against their bareness. The unsettled feeling in his stomach was a sign of danger. He was approaching the beast. Which was, of course, a fabulously awful idea.

Light's eyes were locked on his, a testament against the aloof arrangement of his features. "Pawn to E3," he said, as if in a trance.

Was it L's imagination that the atmosphere had thickened? His heart began beating like a caged rabbit's. And yet, he moved closer under the sway of those eyes. Damn those eyes.

"Knight to C6," L responded.

"Did you miss me at all, Ryuuzaki?" He was being coy, confident in the answer L would have to give. L could almost feel the quiet smugness radiating from Light. The brunette was supremely confident that he had the ability to control their interactions- that this one as well was playing out to his whim.

"No," L said. It was a lie of course. It was also a test of the brunette's irritability and inclination to lash out. It was bait for Kira. But why assess his presence in such a way? In the present captivity, Kira would be no threat to him. Unless I'm actually entertaining the idea of... of... L damned himself as he realized he was staring again.

A sweet smile spread across Light's lips. "I knew you had. You were monitoring me this whole time, weren't you?"

L debated, but decided on truth. "Yes, I was." He paused. "It is your turn, Light."

"So," Light said conversationally. "You had plenty to occupy your time, my dear friend. Meanwhile, you left me with nothing." Still, pure malevolence was missing. Honeyed eyes caressed him.

Light was deflecting his barbs and pulling him in. Reactive anger was not present, curiously so. Minor attempts at provocation were being brushed aside. Or forgiven? A trickle of trepidation slid down L's spine as he realized he hadn't had conscious control over the progress of his feet. Traitorous limbs! He had yet to verify anything about the state the brunette was in mentally. Was he stable? Had he regained control over himself in the time they had been apart? It was entirely possible. It was also equally possible that he had not.

"Queen to F3," Light mouthed. From closer still, his amber gaze was thick enough to drown in.

The picture of the brunette lying there, waiting for him, was too benign. Too compelling. Light's face tipped up to receive L's slow advance. It was all too inviting, a shining place of light that greyed out the periphery of his vision. "Pawn to E5," he said hesitantly. Remember what you know, L. Remember what you don't know. Light or Kira, you cannot be sure.

"Bishop to C4."

L knew he was in trouble. He could not seem to keep his distance and his eyes were fixing on the sensual movements of Light's lips when he spoke. Within him, a low, tugging ache was leading him forward. His skin experienced a fluttering blush of heat. "Pawn to E4..."

Fingertips against his lips stilled his words; Light's graceful hand had the power to evoke silence with the gentle touch of fingertips against his lips. Slowly, the touch retreated, favoring instead the curve of L's cheek, then the line of his jaw.

"Queen at F7 places you in checkmate," Light murmured softly. His eyes had bled black and pulled L in as inevitably as a whirlpool. Just a tiny sliver of their rich golden color lined the edges. L's head began to bow as Light moved to meet him.

For the shy meeting of mouths that it was, its rended L's insides like a storm.

The pain of uncertainty digging into his chest, the hot flare of desire that flooded his lower body, and the anxious roiling in his stomach that preceded any perceived misstep... All of his conflicting emotions pushed his mind, staggering, offline.

He sank into the urgent flow of lips against his, giving in to Light's mouth with with careless need. Gentle hands cupped his face and tilted his head to afford better access. Light was drawing out his breath, his resolve, and the stolidity of the muscles that were supporting him.

Maybe it's ok...

I don't feel Kira here...

Just... Light. God, I've missed this... I did not fully realize how much....

The kiss grew more demanding, and as L's knees buckled, ready hands were there to guide him down upon the bed.

Who would have thought I could feel this intensely for anyone? It is a mystery to me. All this time, I believed I was the machine everyone thought me to be...

Or was it the touch of this beautiful monster that made flesh of my perfunctory gears?

Angel, monster, I cannot decide. You are the greatest mystery of all - that you house such extremes within your soul...

The air was leaden with the warmth of their breath and the static of their lust. L gasped it in as Light stroked him through the front of his jeans with a deliberately lingering hand, as a mouth fed at his neck - likely marking it. Pinioned between those two points of contact, his writhing body had nowhere to go. Trapped in this purgatory of in between, he needed less sensation in order to bear it, or he needed MORE.

Skin, hips, penetration, he wanted it all.

Anything and everything, to fill the void that had been growing in his soul and ease the firestorm that held his body in its sway.

"I want you so badly right now," Light spoke against his neck in a roughened voice that magnified the sparkings of need in L like electric currents. "I thought about you incessantly - it's enough to drive one mad." Light bit down hard upon his neck, making L cry out. "But I also want to punish you for how you've treated me," he said as he soothed the skin with apologetic lips. "Will you let me punish you, L?"

L could only weakly protest as Light found another sensitive spot to sink his teeth into. It hurt, but at the same time it was sickly erotic. Light's voice threaded through him like a living thing, coaxing, threatening. He was so caught up in it that he nearly missed the change in Light's addressing of him. Did he say L just now?

"I'm often amused by your token resistance, but at times you carry it too far." Light wrested L's shirt from him and traced the faded marks upon his skin with a delicate but insistent tongue. L shivered, which made the brunette smile distractedly before choosing an old mark to refresh.

Sharp pain. Suckling pressure.

Misgiving started to blossom in the dark-haired boy as Light held him down. He was becoming horribly aroused from the lazy attentions of Light's skilled mouth, but the intermittent cruel deviations it made... Oh, but the brunette so smoothly glossed over those abuses with caresses enough to further fuel L's desire and keep him witless. He nibbled along L's hip, sliding L's pants lower.

"You're awfully silent, for all your other reactions," Light observed. "Is this the only way you seek to defy me?"

Defy...?

"Cry out for me, L." Light licked at his exposed flesh with a long tongue. "Let me hear your pain and pleasure." L squirmed and bit down upon the sound that threatened to tumble from his mouth. His hips canted upward, heedless of his instructions. A none too gentle bite on his inner thigh choked a gasp from him, followed by a low moan as Light's mouth teased and sucked at the skin in a steadily rising trail.

"S-Stop that."

"Stop what?" the brunette asked in a slyly harmless voice. "This?" He flicked at L's desire with his tongue. "But you seem to be enjoying that so much... more than usual, I'd say. Or is it this?"

L cried out as teeth sunk into flesh.

"In fact, I do believe that is the case," the brunette mused smugly.

L shook his dark head, breath coming in shallow pants. Whom was he dealing with here? Was it coincidence that each of those brutal marks was being refreshed? It was different from last time - this time he was not drenched in terror, but in desire. Why would Light tread such dangerous territory? He was visibly upset at the thought of hurting him like this, and yet here he was, essentially doing it all over again. Was it Kira, then? But he had never acted this subdued before. No, it couldn't be him...

"Why don't you just admit that some part of you revels in it?" the brunette crooned. "You want everything I want to do to you, L."

"Not everything," L ground out.

He had to stop and think about this. He'd gotten drawn in too quickly, and his reasoning skills were under a severe handicap. He wasn't conjuring the proper response, if this was some form of Kira. His mind was too muddled. In fact, it was dismissing the notion altogether on superfluous grounds. It wasn't Kira because he was acting more contained? Fool! Acting contained would be the only reasonable way to get close...

"I beg to differ."

L tried to ensnare the flicker of indignation he felt at that, tried to breathe life into the feeble flame. A distant part of him was screaming at him to back away, and he could only faintly hear it. The rushing of his blood was oh so much louder.

"You know, I never liked that pompous attitude of yours, Light."

"Oh really?" Light's face ghosted up, inches away from his own. "I suppose you dislike that about yourself as well, then?"

"Oh, but you quite exceed me on that count. I could never come close."

Amber eyes narrowed. "Is there any particular reason you've decided to incite my displeasure, L?"

"Of course. I have reason for everything I do." Not that I am going to tell you. Luckily, his brain was showing minor signs of life again. How had it come to this? Not twenty minutes passed, left alone in a room with Light -or Kira, take your pick- and he was perhaps another five minutes from full debauchery. Didn't he at one point have some sort of morals? Self-restraint? Was two weeks of intimacy really enough to wrap him around the other boy's little finger??

Was two weeks enough to make him act completely illogical and more insane than the crazy person he was entangled with?

Dear god.

Light spoke. "I sincerely hope that you are not about to say what the look on your face tells me you are about to say."

"Judging by your reluctance at the idea, I would say yes."

Light let out a controlled sigh, his brows drawing together in frustration. "Why do you torture me like this? It isn't fair."

L levered himself on an elbow and dragged his pants back up.

Or tried to.

Light bent forward, nuzzling his neck in a subdued but intent manner. "What if I say that you are being ridiculous, and decide to continue exactly where we left off?"

Pieces of L's mind were snapping back off in pathetic little fizzles. "I would say that you don't respect me and that the likelihood of such an occurrence happening again would be a percentage not worth mentioning."

Light withdrew and leveled him with an apathetic look. "You're cold," he said sullenly. "Has anyone ever mentioned that?" Behind the mask of apathy, L could detect disappointment, resentment, and.... was that a spark of animosity? He tried to delve deeper, but the flaws in Light's mask were quickly smoothed and dispelled as if they had been wrinkles in cloth.

Light pulled away from him as if he were nothing, the lines of his back stiff as he arranged himself on the edge of the bed in nearly the same position he'd occupied earlier. He was possibly the most irate-looking person when he was sulking that L had ever known. It was vexing, but now he felt as if he had done something wrong. "If your mood is going to deteriorate this far, would you like to be left alone?" That came out more derisively than he'd meant. It was not likely he'd garner a good response.

"Do what you want. I don't care."

L debated stooping to his level of childishness. He really debated carefully. He decided against it. "If you didn't care, you wouldn't bother to say you didn't care." However, the words came forth regardless.

"Don't analyze me unless it's going to be for something useful." he snapped back.

"That's useful," L argued.

"No. It isn't."

"Stop arguing with me just for the sake of it."

"I wouldn't stoop so low."

In the middle of all of this, L was wondering why he could not quite forget the needs his body had continuously been demanding be met. His brain was online, all was well, but he was still uncomfortably affected by Light's earlier attentions. Rescinding his request that they stop was out of the question. Totally. Utterly. Completely out of the question. Even if their childish argument seemed to stem from sexual frustration on both of their behalfs.

L mentally smacked himself in the face. No closeness until you are sure that Kira is under control.

"This is about Kira, isn't it?" Light huffed. He'd crossed his arms as he lay there, making the muscles of his back look even stiffer.

L pulled his discarded long-sleeved shirt back over his head before responding. "What makes you say that?"

Light made a disgusted noise, but otherwise remained silent.

Could Light really blame him for being cautious? He had no doubts that with time, and the knowledge that he was harboring a case of blossoming MPD, Light could reign in the effect and put himself back together. But... in just several days?

"Light."

"What."

L chewed on his lip. He hated when Light got so prickly and monosyllabic. "I was... careless in allowing anything to occur. It was inappropriate as I think you require more time to... work on the situation."

"I don't need any more time. I've had enough."

"It's only been a few days, you can't possibly have-"

Light whipped around to face him. "I. am. in. control."

L thought his clenched teeth and furious eyes contested such a thing but saying as much would simply provoke him. And who was 'I' in this instance? Subdued Kira, or assimilated Kira? "Of course you are," L said, placating him. "But-"

"But, you do not believe me," Light interrupted. "Nor will you, until you are 100% certain. How long will we go on like this then? Months? Years? I can't take it. It's only been a week, and already I can't stand it. Where is your show of trust, Ryuuzaki? My life is in your hands and what do I have for that? Nothing."

L just stared at him, surprised by the slew of words and emotion that had just breached his earlier sulking. His logic was somewhat questionable as well... but that was a trait he associated with Light when he got overly sensitive about something.

"I've been as well-behaved as a trained puppy," he said spitefully. "And still, nothing. Where is my reward? My motivation? All you offer to me is a lifetime of mistrust and shackles. If that is all that is in store, why not just kill me and be done with it? This boredom and frustration will drive me to madness."

"It doesn't have to be 100%," L said defensively. He was just as susceptible to Light's dramatic flair as anyone. The well-chosen words were pinging deep within his subconscious. What percent would suffice, L? he asked himself. How much until you really felt safe? 85%? 95%? He was only proving Light's point. Light, whose eyes were boring holes into his head with the intensity of affronted royalty.

"I would ask how much would satisfy you," Light scoffed, "but I know the number will be impossibly high."

"For all your talk of trust, you seem to have dismissed me already."

"No more than you have done me."

"..." Light was being obstinate. He must therefore want something before he would yield this recalcitrant behavior. L crossed his arms over his chest. "What do you want me to do?"

"Nothing."

That was a lie. Just the mention of it had soothed Light back into a petulant sulk. L thought better of calling him on that. Light was easier to deal with when he was not on the offensive. Oh, but it grated upon him to have to cater to the brunette to this extent... Sometimes he believed the other boy did it merely to see how far L would go towards appeasing him in reconciliation. Was trying to stay so calm and placating encouraging him in this behavior? L felt the faint pressure of an impending headache as he considered it. He was no expert on the human psyche. That was Light's strength. Damnation.

Light was watching him with a bored air, waiting for him to speak.

It would be the easiest thing to just leave the room and allow this stalemate to go on without his own participation. It would give him more time to decide a course of action. But, he did not want to recall Watari. The older man needed a break. He'd looked especially worn out of late. "Well, if there is nothing I can do, I'm going to return to my work." L slid off the bed.

"Is it that simple for you to walk away?"

"When you are being unreasonable, yes."

"Liar."

L turned and looked down at the other boy. "What would you have me do? You are being unreasonable, and to what purpose, I can only guess. I also don't appreciate you casting aspersions about as if they do not apply to your behavior as well."

Light's pupils constricted, and they were very, very gold. "Very well." The arrogance was back on his face as he abandoned moodiness. "There is something."

"I think I am past hearing about that," L responded archly. He watched for the flare of temper which did, in fact, manifest in those eyes. Curiously, it was banked.

Light caught his wrist in his hand. "I think you know what simple thing I would request of you."

Light's thumb slowly stroked up the vulnerable inside of L's wrist as he stared up at him. There was no softness in his expression. It was the face of a conquerer. L wanted no part of it. The sudden weightless feeling in his stomach and the weakness in his knees was definitely out of aversion. "You've become spoiled, Yagami, to think you can always have your way."

"And you have become even more adept at laying your interests at the feet of others instead of owning up to them."

L narrowed his eyes.

Light smiled.

"You are starting to make me angry," L warned, flexing his hands in and out of fists.

"Good," Light said snidely. "I do so hate to be alone in such things."

L snapped. "You obnoxious little-" Suddenly, he found himself off-balance and falling, Light having used the tension in his body to easily leverage him back onto the bed with an airless thud. He was promptly pinned. "I really... should have seen that... coming," he ground out with disdain. Talking was rather inconvenient with a forearm across your throat.

"Yes, you should have," Light said amiably. "You're slipping, L."

L gnawed the inside of his lip in frustration.

"As I was saying before, I feel you are tormenting me needlessly and to an absurd extent."

"I disagree."

"Of course you do," Light said flippantly. "Now, before you get hasty and think I am channeling 'Kira' and out to inflict some grievous harm upon you, which is punishable by whatever system has replaced the tasers, I want you to listen to me."

"..." L ground his teeth in annoyance. In part because it was hard to ignore the length of Light's body against his. Damn useless, worthless, counterproductive, pain-in-the-ass hormones.

"Are you listening?"

"Yes," L spat out.

"Good," Light said, and kissed him.

L cursed him mentally as he noted the awe-inspiring power that a deep, violating, and passionate kiss could hold. Not only could it make you utter words in a format most would call 'unintelligible', it could also render muscles and bone mass inoperable as well as wipe the mind of any thought other than 'oh, please, yes.' It was a vile tactic to employ. Truly... exceedingly... dirty......

L tried not to hate himself too much for kissing back.

But it was too hard not to. Light's hands cupped his face, holding him captive for the heated union of their desperate mouths and the pressure of Light's body on his was distracting, stimulating and missed. In seconds, L's entire body flushed and wound itself submissively around the brunette's. He felt a hand slide up his jean-clad thigh before realizing Light lay between them.

In the face of too much sensation, L was losing track of details. In hindsight, one of the things currently overloading him was Light's hips pressing against his. And the fact that they were moving... God, yes, they were moving.

"Why must you always be so difficult?" Light murmured, slightly out of breath.

L considered answering but suspected it would come out as one of the dreaded unintelligible formats, so he merely shook his head. This garnered another shameful kiss and the luxurious feel of Light's hands on his skin. Why was he wearing these godforsaken jeans again? They were getting in the way of - Oh, never mind, he thought as Light provided the solution to that.

Surely it was not healthy to be this overwrought with sexual tension... If the heart were to continue such a breakneck pace for extended periods of time.... And with the flow of blood diverted... to the...

to...

...

Declining ability to focus was the other severe symptom of heightened arousal, L would note later when his thoughts were not utterly derailed.

As was the capability of one to mark time.

L could not linearly remember the process that led to Light being seated tightly within him, only that he was. And that it was good. So good that any movement was sending thrilling jolts to his lower stomach, and intensifying the garbled feeling of desperation racing around within him. He wrapped his arms around the boy above him and felt forgiveness touch his heart. Perhaps Light had been right - that he'd been too paranoid earlier.

L felt a fine tremor become apparent in the sleekly muscled body beneath his hands. Light nuzzled the column of his neck and began stroking L's arousal with more urgency. Climax soon rushed upon them in its knee-bowing greatness, and it was nearly euphoric.

Except for one tiny thing.

L could swear he heard a familiar voice in his ear laugh softly and breathe out, "I win, detective."

...

Fuck.

---

TBC