Death Note Fan Fiction ❯ A Balm for Social Failure ❯ Nothing ( Chapter 19 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

A Balm for Social Failure

(Chapter 19: Nothing)
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

Disclaimer: see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

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Chapter 19:

The first thing L did when he recovered his wits and his breath was to silently freak out.

No, to be honest, he started the moment he heard Kira's voice.

This wasn't long-lived, however, as the object of his freaking out was innocuously asleep. And generally... peaceful and harmless looking.

Ok, he told himself, on the bright side, nothing bad happened. (Yet.) On the bright side, Light may actually be having success at giving Kira a backseat and assimilating him back into his personality. (Perish the thought - that that piece always was and will be a part of the brunette.)

Or...

Or, Kira had gotten intolerably devious and was keeping a low profile in order to surprise him in unsuspecting moments. Was he just biding his time so he could pop out and yell, "Ahhhhrghhh!"? L rubbed his eyes with the tips of his fingers. Joking aside, the message being sent was one of the last Kira had imparted to him.

"We come as a package deal, detective. Where one goes, the other must follow. I'll just have to enjoy watching you struggle, never knowing when I might be the one close to you instead of him."

Essentially: "I am always here. Muahaha aha haaa."

Fantastic.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

Lousy bastard.

Of all the astonishing brilliant minds to fall for, why did he have to fall for one with such a dangerous mental disorder? ...Not that he'd encountered one without homicidal, god-complex, sadism-loving MPDs... or any others for that matter. Could it be that said intellect was partially to blame for said disorder...? Hmn, an interesting theory... In exchange for not being woefully boring and inept, a mind would find other failings. But, in that case, what was his own drawback?

...

Ah, best not to dwell on insignificant, potentially ego-shattering trivialities.

L looked down on the face of a sleeping angel and wondered if he should feel inordinately cursed or blessed.

He could find a multitude of points to support either case.

Look on the bright side. (Again?) You won't get bored. (Yes, but I might also die before my time.) Boredom is the worst thing this world has to offer. (I argue that death is right up there as well. Especially death at the hands of a delighted sadist.) Pessimist. You really don't believe he'll pull himself together, do you? (Shut up, you suicidal fool. Am I supposed to blindly assume such a thing??) I'm a fool? You're the one arguing with yourself. Idiot.

Blast and drat. That was more unhelpful that he'd thought. Losing an argument with yourself... how low was that?

Still, it all boiled down to risk. Acceptable risk, manageable risk, and lunatic risk (a.k.a. unmanageable risk). Light, he felt, was in the third category. Rather solidly. However, if he were able to keep the Kira side stuffed down a bit more, L would be willing to move him into the second category. At least partially.

L pondered the sleeping form next to him once more. Hmm... genius, athletic, and wildly attractive... Perhaps it was that particular combination of a string of coveted traits that marked Light for mental instability. I, on the other hand, rate a far lower score on one account, which is what saved me. Though I'm also not good with people.... and Light is exceptionally popular... So, if I count that...

"Ryuuzaki?" Light groaned sleepily, "I don't know what you're doing, but you're giving me a headache."

Telepathy as well?

No, L didn't believe in such things. Light simply knew him very well.

"What?" Light asked as L continued to stare at him.

To mention, or not to mention... that is the question...

Would it be beneficial or detrimental to comment on the brief emergence of Kira? L blinked at him and started unobtrusively chewing on his thumb.

"Oh, for chrissakes," Light muttered and jammed his head into his pillow.

And who is to say it was brief? He'd suspected the alter ego to be in residence earlier as well, but discounted it due to the lack of provocation being offered. He did not have enough grounds to clearly suspect a change in ownership.

Again, was it being assimilated, or was it being underhanded?

A heavy forearm hooked about his waist and pulled him onto his back. Light didn't bother surfacing from the pillow to do this. In a muffled voice, he said, "I know you don't like sleep, but have pity on those of us who do."

"Okay." L lay there, contemplating the increasing number of issues coming to his attention, and also the attractive curve of Light's bare backside and well-shaped legs. It was amazing how tan he seemed to be when he hardly ever went out in the sun. "How well do you think you are doing in terms of progressively suppressing your alter ego, Light?"

Groan.

Light surfaced from the pillow with a faint crease mark on his face and adorably disheveled hair. "I'd ask why, but I suppose a better question would be: What happened now?"

"Do you recall saying something to me right before falling asleep?"

Light's lip thrust out slightly. He looked petulant. And tired. "No, I don't. But then, anything I don't remember is automatically tossed into the 'Kira' category as a default, correct?"

"Only if it seems to fit. I would never be arbitrary about it."

Light flopped back down upon his pillow. L leaned over him. "Answer mine first."

Another groan. "Reasonably well, I think. Though it is hard to gauge." He offered, almost as a second thought, "The splitting headaches are almost gone."

"Hmmm."

"Hmmm what?" Light said with exasperation.

"I think I shall refrain from bogging you down with details of what you may or may not have said. But, I believe you are making progress and that makes me substantially more optimistic than I was a few moments ago."

"..." Light shifted onto his side so he could look L in the face. "I'm sure you've considered this, but even fully assimilated, it is still a part of me..."

"I have, and fully assimilated, you will then be able to apply restraint and self-control. That is my utmost concern."

Light looked away. "Being trapped in a room with nothing but Watari and my boredom is not helping me feel very sane."

"I apologize for that, but I felt it necessary. It seems to have improved things, if that is any consolation."

"Hn."

"Do you really believe that I have given you nothing in our current arrangement, as you were saying earlier?"

"...not exactly. Another byproduct of too much time spent with nothing to do - my frustration leads to fractured, angry thinking. And, my memory on what exactly I said is a little dim. I was more focused on you specifically."

Ah... so perhaps that was a bit of Kira poking out. It is encouraging that Light has any awareness of it at all.

"How much longer are we staying in Japan? This place grates on my nerves."

"Potentially, not long at all." L bit his thumbnail as he paused. "It depends now on something I may have appeared to overlook until this point."

Light looked marginally more awake and wary. "And that is?"

L blinked owlishly at him. "The location of the Death Note."

---

SHIT.

That was Light's all-encompassing thought as he met L's inquisitive black eyes.

Some days the Death Note seemed not to be worth all of the trouble he'd gone through for it. He was in a pathetic spot. Held hostage by his adversary, kept from using the notebook, and legally dead to the entirety of the world. Worth puzzling over was why Misa hadn't come looking for him. There was no reason he could think of that Rem would leave her in the dark as to his not-death. Curious...

But back to matters of importance.

He was rather pleased that in using the notebook, he and L had crossed paths. It was a more fulfilling interaction than he had ever dreamed possible. In fact, he felt... thankful. But at the same time, the notebook had driven him slightly askew, burdening him with a cognizant second-self. To say that infringed on his sense of order and control would be too much of an understatement to even bother with.

Despite the questionable good of ever possessing the Death Note in the first place, he was loath to part with it. Sure, perhaps it had a nasty side effect of turning him into a head case, but he'd already surmised that to be equally L's fault for hounding him. To lose it now... to give up the opportunity to reshape the world, to scour from humanity all that soiled it. To leave only the worthy in place...

How was he supposed to willingly nullify his claim?

It was more than just a power-trip. It was necessary. And who but himself could accomplish such a thing?

He'd held on to the belief that at some point he would once again be free to use the Death Note and finish the work he started.

Ah, therein lies the problem.

Should I take the chance at being happy as an individual, or should I set that aside to accomplish what must be done? This is the point at which Kira began to surface in truth. To have such split desires... L is the high and low to either side, just as the Death Note is.

I would resent giving up either.

Light slanted a look at L. He was patiently waiting a response. If he were perturbed at Light's lengthy pause, he did not allow it to show. "I am not ready to disclose that at this time."

A flicker of disappointment swept over L's alabaster skin. "I see. How unfortunate."

Light watched his face assume the professional, disinterested detective mask, and felt a pang of regret. He wanted to say something to reverse the effect, but the only thing that would do that was a confession. And in truth, he was not ready. The scales were still too balanced. Ignore the world for his own selfishness, or become a killer once more and cleanse it for the benefit of mankind?

L rose and donned his clothes.

Light watched him with mixed feelings. His refusal to cooperate with L was seen as a betrayal, he was certain. But there was nothing he could do about that, no matter how much he disliked it.

"Just remember, Light-kun," L said impassively before returning to the desk and his work. "There is always more than one solution to accomplish a thing... and a detective's conscience would be a lighter burden by far."

And that, Light mused, was certainly something to think about.

---

Rain pattered against the hotel window, a melancholy din with only an occasional burst of wind to break the lackluster staccato. It was a slow night. Dark. Dreary. Slightly dull, if Light got down to it. L had been only marginally communicative since he'd remained mum about the notebook and all things related to it. Rather depressing, these past few days. L was so preoccupied with his new assessments and recalculations that he barely spared Light a whit of his exceptional mind. All the more noticeable as L had stopped bothering to keep Light with Watari as he had previously in favor of resuming something along the lines of their prior arrangement.

Light found the new lack of judicious care towards keeping him contained to be an irritant.

He had not earned liberties, in fact he should have been watched even more closely, and yet...

L was practically ignoring him.

It was so very difficult to take joy in his emancipation in lieu of that. And he despised continually winning at chess merely because L was too distracted to bother offering him a challenge. Was L doing this to him on purpose? Surely it was not beneath him to behave so childishly when things did not go as he expected them to.

Light rubbed at his temples. This boredom. Perhaps he should give up the Death Note if only to get L talking to him again... But it seemed such an ungraceful way of admitting that he could suffer withdrawal at the lack of interaction from the dark-haired recluse....

"In other news, a resurgence in the Kira killings," the TV that Light had turned on, mainly to annoy L, blared out. There was much paper shuffling from the announcer for dramatic effect before he continued.

L whipped his steely gaze upon Light. "What did you do?"

Light shook his head. "It wasn't me." His eyes went back to the screen, as he listened intently for more detail on this curious development.

"Late yesterday afternoon, a man involved in the in the brutal mugging of 48 year old Tomika Nagasaki in was found dead. Cause of death appears to have been a heart attack although the autopsy reveals the man to have been healthy and an unlikely victim of such an occurrence. A similar death of an inmate guilty of the murder-rape of 16 year old Lao Fei, a foreign exchange student, has led experts to believe....."

Light tapped his finger on the tabletop impatiently. As the announcer droned on for several long minutes, dragging the story out, it became increasingly clear that...

"Hn," L snorted. "They don't know anything. They're just speculating."

"Quite," Light agreed, pleased as usual that they were of a mind. The story was padded and repetitive after the initial information regarding the deaths. Was it a positive sign that people were so ready to suggest that Kira had returned, or was it merely a play at securing increased ratings? Did they miss the protection he could afford them? "But even the suggestion that Kira is alive and well will cause problems for both of us."

"Two deaths is not definitive enough. If this continues, and remains consistent, we could rule out emulation. In the meantime, we are still left with a quandary..." L swiveled in his chair to regard him with large black eyes, opened to an abnormal extent. "If the situation develops, and I determine that this is the work of Kira, that means there is a second Kira... as the original is right here beneath my thumb."

Light bristled. Beneath your thumb! You arrogant little...

"Unless, you are doing this somehow?"

"I've told you that I'm not," Light bit out waspishly. Honestly, he hated being interrogated and accused like this.

"Ah, but we both know the ways in which you like to bend the truth," L insisted.

Light gave him a baleful look. "We also know that I am under your thumb and have no means by which to execute these people. I would need the notebook, and that is not at my disposal."

"Regarding that, I would love to know the location you decided upon for safekeeping."

L had that look in his eye. The one that came out when he was pushing Light's buttons, but acting innocent about it. It was obvious L wasn't really expecting him to give that information - he was happy enough to be goading him into a reaction, and he would continue to do so as much as possible. Light felt like an ant under a magnifying glass, ready to catch fire. The bastard.

"I'm sure you would." Light turned his back and refused to give him quarter.

"Yagami-kun would not be naive enough to think that I would stop requesting this information, would he?"

Light turned back around with a snarl. "Must you do that? You know how much it irritates me."

"Which is precisely why I do it, Yagami-kun," L said around the thumb he was chewing. His infernal black eyes stared. Expressionless. Emotionless. Watching and absorbing even the most trivial minutia.

It seemed he was still chafing over Light's refusal to deliver the notebook.

"Spare me your mood, Ryuuzaki," Light sighed, attempting to visualize his vexation flowing off of him like water. He had to stop letting L push his buttons. It only served to encourage him. "It wasn't me, it isn't me, and I am in no way connected to it."

"At all? I find that exceptionally hard to believe."

"Tie me up again if you want to prove it beyond all reasonable doubt. At least that may prove more entertaining." He said the last with a suggestive arch of one slender brow.

It had the desired effect - L slouched in his seat, looking slightly uncomfortable, and turned his attention back to the screen as well. By all appearances, he was also pouting. Though the dark-haired detective would probably prefer the term 'brooding'.

Light froze as he caught a flicker of white on the periphery of his vision.

No....

It couldn't be....

"What is it, Light?" L asked suspiciously, attuned to him so completely that at times like this it was wildly inconvenient.

"Nothing, just something in my eye I think." He blinked a few times experimentally. Then he gently rubbed his right eye. When he looked up again, he turned to L sheepishly. "I hate when that happens. It's like the whole world stops and narrows down to one simple, inconvenient thing."

Aforementioned 'thing' looked at Light with bland malice. "So sorry to interrupt," she said coldly.

Ah, Rem. What a delightful way to complicate things. "I'm fine, Ryuuzaki," Light waved the dark-haired boy's gaze off as he blinked away the false tears he'd dredged up. "It must have been an eyelash or something. Go on." He gestured at the screen but his words were meant for Rem.

The white Shinigami flapped its bony wings silently, filling the room. "Misa is set on doing something that places her in great danger."

Like I care. "Hmm," he said under his breath as he watched the screen. He'd thought as much when he heard the report, although he'd reserved comment to L for three reasons. One, there was a possibility that more than two Death Notes existed in this world, which he had yet to verify. Two, if he wrongfully implicated Misa, he might be killed by Rem. Three, L was being a willful thorn in his side, and witholding information was about the only joy he had left at the moment.

"I know how you feel about her, Yagami," the female death god said hatefully. "Or should I say, how you don't feel.... But let me make this worth your while."

Light brought his hand to his face and touched his mouth distractedly.

"Misa wants revenge on L for having you killed. She believes that humiliating L by proving he sentenced the wrong person to death will accomplish this and to do so, she will pretend to be Kira. Pretend to be you. You understand why this worries me?"

Of course he did. Misa was determined and reasonably intelligent, but not quite clever enough to pull something like this off. Eluding L had given him problems, and he was on the detective's intellectual level. L would route Misa in a mere fraction of the time. She was bound to slip up in far more fatal ways and with exponentially greater frequency. She was stepping into a death trap. A trap from which she could not be sprung with the one death the Shinigami would be able to provide. Light nodded with the slightest incline of his head.

L eyed him briefly, but his eyes passed by again without comment.

Light took a moment to savor the feeling of LIFE flowing through him at this moment. The scheming, the danger, the deception, and the power. Oh yes, the raw exhilaration that surged through him the moment he realized the Shinigami - this Shinigami, the one that so openly wished for his death - was now beholden to him.

It took a herculean effort to keep the condescending smile off of his face.

"In exchange for you minimizing her danger, and keeping L from suspecting her, I will no longer hold you accountable for her happiness. I will consider your gift of preserving her life a just compensation for not taking yours."

Excellent. This could not have turned out better. Certainly, Misa trying to impersonate "The" Kira would pose problems, but on a lesser scale than a lovesick Shinigami that was out for his blood. Rem was truly in the palm of his hand. As long as whatever he did kept Rem's human alive. Simple enough, and a lot less stressful than making the girl believe he loved her. That had been a rotten deal. With how that had been headed, he would've been dragged kicking and screaming (mentally, of course) to the altar, to her bed, and on through the rest of his miserable existence. Just to stay alive. He wondered if Rem would have gone so far as to threaten him with death were he to be less than enthusiastic during intimate encounters. Talk about pressure.

But now... Haha, NOW he was safe. From this moment, his life remaining intact would be Rem's only security in keeping Misa from fouling up too badly. Rem may have been in love, but she was not blind to Misa's weak points. The only thing that puzzled him was why the Shinigami had not enlightened her as to his current not-dead state. Surely Misa had asked, and it must have been difficult for the Shinigami to mislead her. Was it merely jealousy? No, it had to be more complex. Rem had dealt with Misa's love for him up until now, professing Misa's happiness to come before all else. Surely the girl had been upset at the thought of his death and Rem would have wanted to remove her pain by telling her he was yet alive....

But that was not important right now.

Rem was wringing her bony, unearthly hands in a human fashion, waiting for his reply. It was stupid of her to think he would refuse. Refusal offered no strategical gain. Whereas accepting...

"I suppose," Light said to the white death god and veiled the pause with a fake yawn as he switched to address his dark-haired companion, "That we'll see soon enough if this is a hoax, or something worth our attention." Protecting Misa would, however challenge him as it put him at odds with L. It was bothersome, but at the same time, titillating. He cherished his new bond with L, but meeting his fellow genius' mind head on and trying to outwit him was thrilling.

Rem smiled - an ugly grimace with her dark fish lips and sharp teeth - and disappeared in an inaudible snap of white wings.

Light stared at the TV screen in a parody of attentiveness. Now he only had one Shinigami left that could take his life. Ryuuk. He hadn't seen the vulture-esque death god since the day he entered his initial confinement. He was mildly surprised that the grinning jackal had followed his instructions on that matter. Ryuuk was an unknown quantity. He listened only when it suited him, and often acted for the sole reason of staying entertained. Whatever had he found to capture his interest for so long? No matter. He would likely see the black winged thing soon enough if Rem had anything to do with it. Which suited him just fine.

---

"So.... how did it go?" the black-feathered Shinigami asked as he fell in line with Rem's flight.

"Don't talk to me, you buffoon, you are worse than no help at all."

Ryuuk grinned. "He agreed, didn't he?" he prodded with a laugh. "I told you he would. He's always been entertaining like that."

Rem muttered something unkind under her breath.

"What I don't get," Ryuuk continued conversationally, "is why you're so mad when he did exactly what you needed him to do."

Rem gnashed her teeth. "Because he is a pompous, arrogant little human," she spat. "And I cannot bear that I'll no longer have the ability to kill him when he eventually breaks Misa's heart."

Ryuuk looked at her balefully. "Are you sure you can't just tell her why it won't work? Maybe then she'll just be angry and-"

"Fool," the white Shinigami cursed him as she shook her dreaded head. "She will then be angry AND heartbroken. Why can you not understand these simple things?"

Ryuuk scratched his shorn black hair with a blank look on his white face. "Are you sure? I think you are just making this more complicated than you need to. Just tell her what I showed you- OH..... Haha... HaaHAAHAAA!" Ryuuk had interrupted himself and started to cackle in glee. It was a horrifying sound. "You think she'll accuse you of making it up! Heh HEH. And from there she might guess that you really l-"

"SILENCE. Not another word." Rem decided that as much as she hated Yagami Light, Ryuuk was coming in a close second.

He began flying in circles around her - just over her head - still a cacophony of laughter. Worse than useless. She wondered how the Yagami human tolerated him.

---

Ryuuk flapped his thick, ratty black wings and veered skyward. He had to leave the ever-amusing Rem's side as they approached the Misa human's habitat. If the girl saw him hanging around it would lead to questions that would require lies to answer if Rem still insisted on not telling her anything about Light. Heh heh.

Rem was definitely complicating things by not telling the human. But watching her complicate things proved to be more fun to watch.

He was sad, though. While she still believed Light to be alive, the girl had provided him with many luscious apples. Now he had to count on Rem to sneak him some as a bribe to shut him up.

Every few hours or so, he thought of the fun that might be had if he simply showed up and told Rem's human that Light was alive and well. Snicker. Alive and taking that detective for a ride.

Ryuuk grinned at nothing in particular and flew a path of crooked, cockeyed figure eights. It felt so good to be this entertained. Rem needed to ditch the human and LIVE a little.

Slowly though, Ryuuk found himself gravitating back to where his human still resided. It was true what he said about Light being entertaining. Watching the interaction between him and that detective human these past several weeks had been too good for words.

Ryuuk closed his eyes and chortled. Much more amusing than watching some stupid human girl who did absolutely nothing.

---

"You know, Yagami-kun," L said thoughtfully, staring at the whipped cream covered strawberry he had poised on his fork. "If this really is Kira, or even a second Kira, the case will be reopened and we will be unable to leave Japan." He slid the deep red fruit off the fork with his teeth in an entirely unnecessary provocative fashion.

Light cursed him and cursed whoever invented strawberry shortcake.

Yagami-kun. YAGAMI-KUN. L was driving him nuts.

"Do you want some, Yagami-kun?" L asked pleasantly, as if he weren't baiting the brunette. "I believe I might feel inclined to share."

"NO, I don't want any of your dessert," Light snapped. "And why do you insist on acting like I have any control over this situation? I don't want to stay in Japan, I want to leave, and it would be pointless for me to be the one doing the heart attacks, even if I could, because it goes against my best interests in multiple ways."

"No, Yagami-kun, that is not entirely true," L said dismissively as he licked the whipped cream off another speared strawberry. Light felt his eye twitch at hearing his family name yet again, and for other reasons that he was not going to let himself dwell upon at the moment, due to the futility of it. "You see, if you truly wished to leave Japan, you would have given me the location of the notebook. So it stands-" L paused to collect a portion of the sponge cake which disappeared into his mouth along with the naked strawberry. " - that you still harbor a desire for power and 'godhood' as we will refer to it, and are loath to relinquish your role as Kira."

Light scowled at him. God, he wished he were that cake.

"As such," L turned those endless black eyes on him, "I must assume that you are, and always were, planning to regain your throne regardless of what transpired between us."

"That's ridiculous," he spouted automatically as he tried to focus his mind on what he should be focusing his mind on. Besides, it was only partially accurate. He'd gone into this thinking he would re-assume his role when it was safe, but time with L was twisting him and making him horribly dependent. He had started to crave every interaction the other could provide... Light's scowl deepened. And he could hardly compose a decent argument while L insisted on eating his cake as if he were on camera. How was he supposed to think while watching that?

Well, then. That should be a clue right there. L didn't expect him to. L was becoming aware of the arsenal at his disposal, and was using it quite artfully even in these beginning efforts.

Light looked away, to the much safer image that the blank walls afforded. To think, not one week ago, all L seemed to have on his mind was my alter ego and his potential molestation. Either that had become a back-burner issue for the detective, or Light had successfully integrated the Kira aspect enough to shoot himself in the foot. Goddammit.

He rapidly cobbled together a crude but believable rejoinder in his head, with which to sate L's questions, determined not to let the lapse of time in his response lengthen any further, lest L use that against him.

"Perhaps you would like to inject some honesty into the statement you are about to issue?" L suggested as Light opened his mouth to speak.

The audacity of it was too much to bear.

"You infuriate me," Light said instead, between clenched teeth, to which L responded with a pleased little smile.

Calm yourself, Light. You are only feeding into his little game. He can't win if you don't react. Calm. Be Zen. What the hell happened to your acting skills? "To think," Light said, shaking his head and adopting a sorrowfully frustrated tone. "After all of what has happened between us... it is still so easy for you to write me off with your accusations."

L peered at him the way he might if he were dissecting a delightfully complex problem. "You are a piece of work, Yagami Light." There was an almost appreciative tone to his voice.

Light met his eyes skeptically, not sure what to expect. He kept in character, however.

L rose from the table, abandoning the chair he'd been sitting on to stand beside Light's. "Even when I know you're putting on a show," L dropped to a crouch, putting them at a near equal eye level. "Even then, I still find it to be so utterly convincing."

"Perhaps it is your paranoia that tells you I'm not sincere as opposed to your perceptions."

"You are also such a handy liar. I'd almost say you have attained a level of artistry with it."

L's face was elusively close enough to kiss as he delivered the backhanded compliment. Light sneered at himself as he realized that that was yet again foremost in his mind. Look what you've done to me, he railed silently.

"How nice of you to say, Ryuuzaki. If ever I were in doubt as to whether you were able to commence a somewhat normal relationship with another being, you have laid my quandaries to rest."

"Normal?" Dark eyes widened marginally in surprise. "What, pray tell, in the whole of our interaction could ever have been labeled in such a way?"

"Well, I suppose you could say that it is normal for people not to trust each other..." Light suggested. "It is also not uncommon for people to give in to the more... simple urges, despite that..."

"I assure you that I will refrain from doing so while so many of your intentions remain to be seen."

L was so adamant, his eyes flashing with such steel behind them, that he was leaving himself wide open for a taunt. Far be it from Light not to oblige.

"Then by all means, come closer," Light said loftily. "If you are going so far in doing the opposite of what you say, then you might as well go all the way with it."

L surprised him by grabbing the collar of his shirt and wrenching him forward into a forceful kiss. It was rough - teeth and lips clashing haphazardly as they each sought to conquer the other. Heated mouths locked around intertwined tongues. Light's eyes closed as he gave in to the glorious aggression of it.

Ah, LIFE was distilled into the very fabric of contact such as this, Light thought. Always these razorblades were between them - even had it been tender. But then, it was the complexity of their interaction that he needed so badly. Simplicity, contentment, those were the things that ushered in the boredom they both strove to escape. This violent passion is the balm for what ails us...

He was quite disappointed when L pulled away.

"I hate how you make me do that," L growled, surging to his feet. His hand came up as if to wipe the kiss from his bruised lips but it hovered ineffectually as he glared daggers at Light, blaming him by word and deed.

"Me??" Light grabbed at L's wrist as he made to storm off. Though perhaps a measure of complacency would have its place. L's instability in regards to their intimacy could often prove aggravating beyond measure, especially when he lashed out. Didn't he understand how they worked yet? "What is it with you and compulsively laying blame at my feet?" Light snapped.

"You-" L started in.

"I what? I did absolutely nothing! Just like I did absolutely nothing in regards to those recent "Kira" murders."

Narrowed amber eyes met impudent black abysses. You could practically hear the ticking of calculations behind the scenes as the staring contest waned on.

Eventually, L looked away and put a hand over his face to collect himself. He might have been counting to 10 for all Light could tell from the long pause. "I apologize," he said in a flat voice. "That was an unnecessary thing to say."

"It isn't you saying it that bothers me, and you know it."

L's hand lowered and he had a shoddy poker face hanging over his suppressed emotions. "Of course. You're right. I always shift blame onto you unjustly."

Light decided he didn't like where this was going. Unfettered emotion was creeping back into L's voice.

"And how dare I question or distrust the perfection that is you? What use have I of this mind of mine that so wrongfully distrusts you when you have been caught being UNTRUSTWORTHY?"

Light let go of his wrist, not liking the quality of tension that suffused the slender limb. "It isn't like you to yell, Ryuuzaki," he said quietly, aiming to tone down the discomfiting feel to the air. He had yet to figure out how to deal with the other at times like this. Emotion seemed an ill-fitting thing for the dark-haired detective, a loss of control. Dealing with it directly would be a slap in the face because of that, would it not?

L immediately donned his impassive look, and made a show of adjusting his body language into a facsimile of relaxation.

"Light, I have never fully trusted you."

His voice was calm. Matter of fact. Obviously a front for the explosiveness Light had just witnessed, but it was best that L maintained his control.

"I know." Still, it was somewhat vexing to hear him say that, so Light responded in kind, "And I have never put all of my faith in you, either." The truth of that was arguable. L had mainly won his trust when he had arranged for Light's fake execution and all the trouble that entailed. He had further solidified that trust by not throwing him to the wolves over his... ugh, he really detested saying split personality, but that is essentially what it was. How pointless to be Kira, if that part separated off from your true consciousness. Where faith waned was in the unpredictable nature of L's emotive side. Jealousy and Suspicion were untamed beasts. Coupled with L's need for equality and his childish drive to get even, that could bring everything down around them.

"So where does that leave us?" L's face looked drawn. "I don't know how these things go, I'm being honest. Every time I think we have come to terms, something new springs up and makes me doubt the validity of it all. I never regretted preserving your life, but I always wonder when I might feel the knife in my back."

"I can't erase that doubt for you."

L peered at him, evaluating the manner in which he meant that statement. Can't? Or won't? That was what L wanted to know. But that was a distinction Light did not feel at liberty to make. He wasn't ready.

"Ryuuzaki... being Kira still seems to me the only way to change this world. It is not so easy to give that up. I need time to adjust my thinking. I can't just give it all over to you now - I would resent you too much."

I don't wish to ever betray you... it is furthest from my mind. But how am I to choose between these two things? You or becoming Kira once more? Each fulfills something in me, offers me something the other cannot. And if I were to relinquish the title of Kira, could I hand the Death Note over to you, knowing it will be destroyed? That the world would have no hope of the cleansing it needs? Conditional surrender... if I gave everything up, would you agree on the terms that I be allowed to free the notebook out into the flow of humanity for some other soul to pick up? What then? Would I be happy not knowing the moral fiber of such a one? The odds of them understanding what they need to do, instead of using it for selfish whims....

"I see," L said quietly. Disappointment layered his voice. "Perhaps I overestimated you, Light-kun."

Those words shook something within Light. Something fragile. He didn't like it. "You see nothing."

---

TBC