Death Note Fan Fiction ❯ A Balm for Social Failure ❯ The Messenger ( Chapter 21 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

A Balm for Social Failure

(Chapter 21: The Messenger )
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

Disclaimer: see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

A/N: I cannot express the pain that is felt when having written a satisfying chunk of prose, only to have your program glitch and EAT it.

Rewriting is a hell I would not wish on anyone. You forever pine for scenes that you cannot recapture, and have to make do with their inferior replicas. I have extraordinary bad luck in such things. Even my preventative measures did not save me this time. Ahhhhrg it makes my head hurt. And it took 5 times as long to try and fix it. If only I didn't have a writing mode that was so purely creative that I actually don't know all of what I am writing until it is done. Blast and drat. It feels wonderful in the moment, but to lose everything right after is like having your heart ripped out. (Anyone wanna guess what got eaten?)

A/N 2: I finally read the 13th volume of Death Note (the guide). There was information in there of which I was previously unaware, so if the fic deviated too badly, I apologize. One area of note is the "organization" that was mentioned in L and Watari's conversation (argument) a little while back. While my original thought (and plotty plans) on the matter conflict with info from the guide, I see a way to bring it back around. And so I will. My aim is to keep this fic from being too AU, but also not rehashing the DN canon so closely that it lacks new material.

Thank you for reviewing! <3

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Chapter 21:

"Shinigami?" Light repeated, his mouth having gone dry.

"Yes."

L stared at him neutrally, if not sharply, waiting for him to react.

"That is beyond ridiculous, Ryuuzaki," Light scoffed, as his heart beat thumped heavily within his chest. His palms felt damp as his clenched hands began to sweat. How did you know?? How could you have discovered it? He made his face go blank, then slowly filled widened eyes with dawning understanding as he forced a laugh. The act was harder to accomplish than it should have been. "You really had me there for a moment, Ryuuzaki." Haha, he thought sarcastically. "I forget at times that you possess such an unusual sense of humor."

"Oh, but I am not making a joke, Light-kun."

L was not taking the bait. L was fixated. He leaned forward, dark eyes wide in earnest. "If I am incorrect," he continued, pausing to bring his thumb to his lips in a manner that could only be described as smug, "please feel free to enlighten me."

Light turned his back to L, mind working furiously. The greatest damage control would be achieved by-

"Awww just tell him, Light," Ryuuk complained. "Your standoffs are so boooooooooring." Silent black wings fanned the air as the Shinigami hung from the ceiling like a spectre. "And I want apples." Its grotesque eyes flashed. "Feeeed meeee."

Light ignored the Shinigami. It was quite hard to do. It was maintaining a constant stream of requests and gravity-defying behavior. "Have you gone daft, Ryuuzaki?" Light turned back around looking concerned and perplexed. "Gods of death?" He spread his hands in appeal. "Next, are you going to try to convince me that you also believe in things like ghosts and leprechauns?"

"Of course not," L said disdainfully. His eyes narrowed. "Don't get snotty, Light."

"How else would you like me to react to such a ludicrous statement? It's fairytale nonsense!"

"I want to see it." L was like a bloodhound on a steady scent. He was not letting Light get around this with his usual diversions and tricks. "The Shinigami," he clarified needlessly when Light offered him a blank look. "I'm sure you know a way in which that might be possible?"

Yes, but that would require the notebook... Not that you would believe me...

"Should I describe it for you instead?" the brunette said reluctantly.

"Aaaaaaaaaaappleeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssss," Ryuuk caterwauled.

L jumped to his feet in excitement. "Yes, I insist."

Light folded his arms across his chest. "Very well. It is over by the door..."

The detective turned his head to stare at the empty space.

"It is a rather unpleasant shade of bright..." Light squinted appraisingly. "Orange, I suppose the color is. It is scaly..." Light pretended to scrutinize his 'Shinigami'. "It looks rather fishlike, actually."

"An orange... fish?" L asked skeptically, his brows drawing together in what looked like disappointment.

"Yes. Of a sort."

"A talking, orange fish?"

"Did I ever say that it talked?" Light queried stonily.

"No, I surmised that on my own."

Light scoffed at him. "A talking fish, Ryuuzaki? Honestly. You should know better."

"He really should," Ryuuk interjected, perching on L's unsuspecting head.

"It communicates mentally," Light finished, switching his attention from the thing to his perfectly trimmed fingernails before L suspected the death god was no longer occupying his previously described position.

"It's on my head, isn't it?" L fretted.

Light saw a chance to peeve the detective. He raised apathetic eyes to the area above the dark-haired boy's head. Ryuuk waved at him again and flapped his wings. "Applessssss," it crooned.

Light gave L a pallid stare. "Nope," he said dismissively, flicking his eyes back to the vulture once more for L's benefit.

"I saw you look," L accused, shaking his head as if to dislodge what may be resting atop it. He ran a pale hand through his hair and his eyes skittered around to catch a glimpse of the thing. "I have a.... telepathic death-fish riding my head."

"It seems to like you," Light said drolly, a smirk lifting the corner of his lips.

"Light! You just said it wasn't there!"

"I know, and it isn't." He crossed his arms over his chest, giving his best condescending look. "There is no piscian death god."

L ceased swatting the air over his head. "There isn't?"

Ryuuk was still perched on L's head, cackling now.

"No," Light said.

"Well," L huffed, "I would think a death god would appear more threatening than a fish anyway. Maybe it would have scales or giant wings or something, and menacing eyes."

"You think if this guy owned the Death Note," Ryuuk piped up, "he would trade for the eyes?" The Shinigami hopped off his head and hovered over him like a stalker. "He's interesting. Maybe more fun than you, Light." Its undead eyes held a spark of mischief as it leered at him.

"I wouldn't know," Light responded to both of them. He made a derisive noise in the back of his throat and quelled the annoyance he felt as that thing circled L.

The detective reclaimed his seat before his laptop, his shoulders hunching as he adopted his favored sitting style. Ryuuk sat on the desk beside him and poked a taloned claw repeatedly into the detective's ear.

"Light?" L's tone was wildly different from a moment ago, making him feel cautious.

"Yes, Ryuuzaki?"

"While I enjoy our little charades," he said, rolling his white-clad shoulders in a rather pointed way, "there is a time at which I find them to be inappropriate, and don't much appreciate them."

Light stiffened slightly.

"I will give you 10 days to be honest with me," L continued, his voice sharpening dangerously. "Do you understand? 10 days in which I expect not only the notebook but confirmation of the Shinigami as well."

"R-Ryuuzaki, I can't-" Light tried to appeal to the detective's rational side while inwardly he reeled at the unexpected development. He had to maintain that the Shinigami did not exist.

L whipped around. His gaze was withering and even Ryuuk had stopped his antics.

"I can't do the impossible!" Light insisted, flooding his voice with desperation.

L surged to his feet and cracked a hand across Light's face, startling him beyond measure. "Don't you dare take me for one of your easily led pawns," L spat, "as I am most certainly not!"

Light's eyes widened further at the force of his companion's tirade.

"I see through you, Yagami. I can sense the tenor of your lies. The Shinigami exists, and it has been in this room for approximately 15 minutes now."

Light held a hand to his throbbing cheek, anger flashing through him as the shock faded. Oh, so you don't want to be protected, L? You won't allow me to spare you that thing's influence? Maybe I should just give you the Death Note and allow Ryuuk to salivate over your remaining life instead? With a transfer in ownership, I'll be absolved and free of the wretched demon.

Even so, he couldn't quite make himself do it.

"Why not transfer it Light?" Ryuuk said darkly, eyes flashing. "I'll have fun corrupting this one, too."

"I have no reason to endure this mood of yours," Light spitefully, turning from the both of them. Damn you, L! This is not a corner you want to back me into! The brunette's arm was grabbed roughly as he made to stride across the room and away. L's fingers were like thin vices upon his flesh.

"I think you have plenty of reason," L hissed, yanking him by the arm so that they were face to face. "And you will not deny me." The detective held himself at his full height and used those several inches to good advantage, looking substantially more intimidating than a moment ago. "10 days, Yagami. That is all. Consider your position and my own. I will wait 10 days for you and no longer. If you persist in refusing me, things will change, and you will not like the outcome. Nor will I."

Intimidation never sat well with Light. It raised his hackles and sharpened his fangs. "Is that a threat, Ryuuzaki?" he sneered. Being pressured was pulling out his nasty side. As it always had. The fresh sting of the slap furthered the effect.

L, not to be cowed, leaned into his face aggressively. His eyes were blank, mirroring the brunette.

"Consider it an ultimatum."

---

When L left the room, his movements were stiff and jerky with anger and tension.

He'd actually done it.

He'd drawn the line in the sand.

This time, when he'd seen Kira begin to surface, it had done nothing more than enrage him. How long would this go on? Light consistently found new things to stunt any progress they made, and he couldn't take it anymore.

He would not allow Light to harbor thoughts of one day becoming Kira in full, while also stringing him along on the cutting threads of emotion that moved him to the other boy's whim. He'd force Light to choose. It was that simple. If he was sincere with L, then he must abandon Kira. Now, and for good.

L paused to lean against wall in the dimly lit hallway. Sickness was burning through the haze of anger, clenching at his stomach and forcing him to nausea. He despised such confrontations. Especially with Light. The stakes always felt so astronomically high.

Have I done the right thing? What if more time was required? What if he stubbornly refuses to comply? He'd said before that he needed more time... will I be forcing him to act against my wishes?

"Damn it, Light," he whispered harshly. "Every time I think I know what I'm doing..."

But this stalemate had to end.

---

Over the coming days, the second Kira's movements became an established pattern. The media took that bone and ran with it, devoting a phenomenal amount of time and effort to interviews, specials, and anything else they could come up with to hike up their ratings. The new Kira was, however, surprisingly silent. From the brashness that they typically displayed in their killing patterns, one would assume they would have put forth a public message already.

L tapped a pen against the hand-rest of his laptop, a thing which Light discovered could be incredibly annoying when sustained for over 30 seconds at a time. He considered asking L to stop, but he was half convinced that that would only encourage the dark-haired detective to do it more.

"Light," L broke the silence. "You do not know this Kira, correct?"

The brunette tossed an empty glare at the detective, feeling too tired to properly back it up with real malice. L had been working later and later into the night, chained to his laptop and his pursuit of the new Kira. It was chafing. "Of course not." Despite their heated exchange, their typical daily interaction had not been much affected, aside from the lack of closeness. But the 10 days seemed somehow to hang over both of their heads with equal pressure. "Why do you ask?"

"Come see," L said, and wheeled his chair back while staring at Light's face in a curious fashion.

Light shuffled over to the desk, exhaustion making his feet drag ungracefully.

"Because they seem to know you," L added as they both focused on the screen.

Light could have smacked himself in the forehead when he saw the illuminated pixels of the second Kira's sacred words gracing an advocacy forum. It was just the sort of careless thing he should have expected. It read:

Subject: I know you are watching.

I am watching you as well, with justice in my eyes. How well would you respond if I aired your secret? That you claimed the life of an innocent? I have the means. Would it stand you in good stead if it were known you took life falsely, and that your elusive prey has risen from the ashes unscathed? I think that this would cause you more trouble than you would like to admit. Consider the father.

--anonymous

Misa Amane, you idiot, Light groaned internally. It seemed a vague enough message to the casual observer, and certainly there were plenty of responses to it on the forum to support that impression: People mocking the lack of detail, sympathetics wondering if Kira had taken someone from the author, people merely griping that the person was not a registered forum member... the list goes on. But in its vagueness, it also possessed a distinct lack of posturing that might have marked it as a message from a Kira wannabe. Was this the thing that originally flagged this message in L's mind? Not to mention the more obvious blunders...

"I assume you traced their IP address?" Light stated.

"Yes. It is registered with an internet cafe in Tokyo."

Well, at least Misa had thought that much through. But he couldn't commend her when she had practically announced she was after L for revenge, and that she was prepared to make a mockery of him on national television. It was too incriminating. Never mind that she had no way of knowing he was alive, as Rem seemed to be keeping secrets, nor proving it had she known. Regardless, the bluff would be more than enough to inflict damage.

"Light," L said suddenly. "Would you make a list for me of all the girls you have dated in the past several years?"

"Must I?" Light heaved an annoyed sigh, but mentally he let out a string of curses. He could already see where this was headed. "It would be quite a long list..." Only someone with a great attachment to him would be after 'revenge'. L would logically conclude that the second Kira would have been someone with whom he had fostered romantic ties. Light also cursed Misa for alluding to having known his father. But perhaps L would not jump straight to that particular conclusion? He'd have to hope not, because the list of girls he'd actually brought home to meet his family was terribly small.

Misa had practically given herself away in one fucking move. God, she was an imbecile.

"Well," L drawled. "I suppose I could shorten the task by requiring only the girls that had met your family, but I was trying to be thorough."

"Why only girls?" Light asked, stalling for time.

"To my knowledge, you have dated no males." There was a curious questioning tone to L's voice that accompanied his raised brows. He seemed to have a vested interest in whether his supposition were false or not, but Light couldn't afford to dwell on that at the moment, intriguing as it may have been.

"So you believe the second Kira to be an ex-girlfriend of mine?" Luring L off of Misa's trail was going to be so exceedingly difficult. He had to out-logic him and widen the pool of suspects...

"I believe for one to seek revenge for someone else, they would have to have had strong ties with that person, probably of the romantic nature."

"Although if it were a one sided attachment..." Light proposed, "Not only would I have no knowledge of them, but they would remain hidden from your exclusive sampling."

"You are suggesting an admirer?" L stroked his thumb against his lower lip in consideration. "But they would also have to have known that you were Kira. How would that be possible without you having had contact with them?"

Time to let some of the truth out in order to throw him of the scent. "It is possible," Light's words came reluctantly, "With the notebook... you can enact a sort of trade. What the second Kira said about their own eyes confirms they have made this trade."

"I'm listening."

"In exchange for half of one's lifespan, the owner of the notebook may gain enhanced vision that allows them-" Light cringed a little here. He was giving so much away! But there was no choice. He had to dig Misa out of the hole she'd so quickly dug herself into. And this was the only way. "It lets them see a person's name and lifespan. However, if one Kira were to see another, they would be unable to see the lifespan."

"The significance of the names being the thing written in the notebook in order to kill, am I correct?"

"Yes."

"Then if one Kira could see another's name... what keeps them from killing each other?"

Light shrugged. "Nothing, I suppose. But it would be highly unlikely for one Kira to encounter another. The odds are against it."

"And yet it has happened."

"Indeed. I cannot say the proposition pleases me. It puts me at an extreme disadvantage, though less so if they have feelings for me. Even less than that if they believe me dead."

"I don't see how they would determine you to be otherwise."

"Mmmn." Rem could tell Misa. And since Misa had the eyes, if she could get at L, she could kill him. He disliked the thought of that immensely.

"In any case," L said. "I think it possible they have met your family before - therefore you do know them. If not, then they are merely making a not-so-empty threat. Airing something on TV would be as acceptable an avenue as trying to reach your family personally."

"Does this Kira strike you as being of a rather unimpressive intellect?" Light asked abruptly, redirecting the conversation.

L did not miss a beat. He frowned in consideration, and delicately chewed on a thumbnail. "They do sink below my original expectations..." he said with reluctance. "I was also not expecting them to be female, at first."

"Are you disappointed?" Light found a bitter thread of jealousy was eating into him at the thought. L had been obsessively gung-ho as this all began to play out. It had been bothering him this entire time. He added archly, "And why does it matter what gender they are unless you really do have a Kira fetish, as well as a decided preference for males?"

"You display jealousy at the oddest times, Light-kun," L baited back, not falling prey to anger at the other boy's waspish tone or goading words. He'd adopted a knowing look which, albeit an act, dug at Light even more. The nerve of him!

"I'm not jealous," Light seethed.

"And I do not have a Kira fetish," L groused.

"Seems like it to me," Light muttered. Wouldn't that be ironic? He could give up being Kira only to lose L to another Kira. "When do you require that list?" he sighed in a more audible voice. By this time he had reined in his irritation and was able to offer a glossy, conciliatory tone.

"On second thought," the dark-haired insomniac said decisively, vexation disappearing from his voice in kind, "it is unnecessary. I think you're correct in that your popularity might have bearing on the matter. I will search your entire school thoroughly and narrow it down from there." He tilted his head in consideration. "Unless you dated or hung around anyone from other schools?"

Only Misa. The damning words almost left Light's mouth before he could curb them. Dammit. His responses to L were too automatic when they were not actively fighting. He must work on that. "No, not especially. Maybe a time or two at best?"

If the second Kira weren't Misa, and he were able to help bring them to 'justice', would L have reconsidered his ultimatum? Was there a chance he could get his own notebook into someone else's hands in order to create a scapegoat? As long as Misa was not killing anyone in the name of Kira past that point, he would be safe.

But even after loaning out my notebook in order to avoid contact with Misa, I would still have to expose myself to her in order to stop the 'Kira' killings...

Besides the fact that L would be expecting two Death Notes at that time. The second Kira's in addition to his own which was required by the end of the 10 days.

If Misa knew I was alive and found that L stood between us as competition... As long as she had the eyes, she would try to kill him.

Contact with her in any instance is risky, be it to stop using her notebook while a false Kira is apprehended or to use her notebook to the same purpose. Not that that matters. L knows there are two. So unless I plan to deceive him ultimately, it will be pointless to use Misa's notebook for the surrogate Kira. It would be easier to get a message across to her, have her take the notebook to a likely candidate, and after that fake Kira was apprehended, he would have the mobility of Misa's notebook which could be brought to him afterwards. In that way, he could be rid of Ryuuk, but only if he transferred ownership to the false Kira.

However, it left him exposed were he to forfeit his memories for any amount of time. That would mean he needed to establish himself as the owner of Misa's notebook before giving up ownership of his own. His memories regarding the Death Note could, of course, be maintained simply by touching Misa's, but he did not trust that Ryuuk wouldn't kill him in the interim. Rem would be a safety net.

"Whatever are you thinking about, Light-kun?" L asked softly, breaking into the depressing spiral of his thoughts.

Light sighed, closing his eyes briefly before allowing them to fall upon his companion. "If the second Kira harbors a romantic attachment for me, they may also be prone to fits of jealousy... I think it is imperative they do not discover I am alive, or else your life will be at risk."

"You're worried for me, Light-kun? How touching." L sounded too blasé as he spoke. The flippancy of it annoyed Light to no end.

"Yes, I am," he ground out. "Perhaps your feelings have suddenly changed in the face of all of this, but mine have not. I'd appreciate it if you would at least refrain from mocking me."

"I wasn't aware of how you felt, Light...kun." L almost left off the distance-creating honorific, but seemed to decide against it. He appeared to be slightly rattled.

"You lie," Light accused. "How could you not know?"

L drew himself up. "I took a guess when given the maze of your conflicting signals, and wouldn't you know, it seemed you didn't."

"You are the only inconsistent one of late," Light shot back. "You act as if nothing has happened, and yet I do believe you expect to be rid of me at the end of the 10 days without a qualm to mar your stoic heart. You say that you love me, and yet your actions contradict that."

L paled. "I never said that to you."

"Oh? It must have been my imagination then," he said snidely. "My apologies."

"I never..." L looked shell shocked. Light stared down his nose at him with an arrogant tilt to his head, pleased to have made such a ripple in his cool demeanor with such a well-placed guess. Perhaps he did retain memories of which he was not aware. How odd that L would have admitted something like love to Kira of all beings. It made him want to grind his teeth, though, as it only furthered his suspicion that L really did have a Kira complex.

"I have to... check on.... some things," L mumbled, hardly audible as he excused himself from the room.

What good was love, anyway, if it was such a fragile and breakable thing? What good was it if it couldn't bind you irrevocably to the one you cared about? He'd gotten used to the thought that the detective may actually harbor feelings of that sort for him. It had pleased him, and made him feel strong and invulnerable. So how then was it that the person who bolstered him so could rip him down again?

Useless.

Love was a useless emotion for sentimental fools.

He'd been a fool to even consider the ideal had any sort of merit.

He had no use for an emotion that would let people claim it only to threaten their chosen person with death if that person were to act against their wishes.

Why was he even thinking on this? Ludicrous! What did he care? L could feel however he wanted. It was none of his concern.

None at all.

Light chewed the inside of his lip harshly, his nerves jangling and distracting him. His mind was ill-focused. It rankled him that he was so preoccupied with this and that jealousy most certainly reared its head when he saw L's attention drift away from him.

Of late, L was withholding any of the indications that he still cared. No small touches, no intimacy, no sign at all of the person he had shared so deeply with. Only impassive eyes, a precious face, and a distinct lack of emotion. How dare L change on him like this?

"With all that thinking," Ryuuk said pleasantly, "I hope you're planning something entertaining."

"That depends on what you find to be entertaining, Ryuuk," Light said loftily.

"You know what I like," the Shinigami hummed gleefully, lips peeling back from razorblade teeth in a grin. "You're smart like that. I couldn't have picked a better human."

"Oh? You make it sound as if it were not by chance that I was the one to find the Death Note." Could the Shinigami choose the owners of the notebook? He'd originally thought that the owners were chosen at random, that the notebook would appear in this world and the first human to pick it up gained ownership. But what if that were not the case, and Shinigami specifically selected the human that would receive the notebook? But why had Rem chosen Misa? And why then would Ryuuk have chosen him?

"I'm not saying it is, and I'm not saying it isn't," Ryuuk said ambiguously, his milky yellow eyes glowing oddly. "It's boring if I tell you all the rules."

"Ryuuk, sometimes I find you to be desperately aggravating to deal with," Light sighed. He kept the majority of his irritation out of the statement. He didn't want to anger the Shinigami unduly.

"It doesn't bother me. I'm not like Rem."

"What does Rem have to do with anything?" he asked, quirking a brow.

"Apples," Ryuuk said.

Ryuuk was far more intelligent than he made himself out to be. He was rerouting the conversation, playing on his 'simplemindedness'. What was he evading? What about Rem...?

"I neeeed theeeeem," the Shinigami complained. "I've been patient, but I might have to start haunting you until I get some."

Light made his way to the bed and fell limply upon it. He was getting as tired of hiding his conversation with the Shinigami as he was of listening to it. It was only the cameras monitoring the room, no microphones, he was certain of that. His conversations with L were incriminating enough for the detective to reconsider that mode of surveillance. L also seemed to have something to hide. Had he had a disagreement or falling out with Watari? Or perhaps the older gentleman was not merely L's lackey, as everyone was led to believe? What if, instead, he was L's keeper?

"That suits me," Light said into his pillow. "I may have a use for you very soon."

The black-feathered Shinigami was, after all, a discrete messenger.

---

TBC

A/N: Re-writes = PAIN

They really do (so I had to say it again). They are enough to make your head implode with such force that it appears to have EXploded to the naked eye. Brutal.

I believe this fic is in the top 10 for LONGEST LightxL yaoi on ff dot net. (yay!?)

Hope you all enjoyed this (non-cliffhanger) chapter! Till next time....