Death Note Fan Fiction ❯ A Balm for Social Failure ❯ This House is Not a Home ( Chapter 22 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

A Balm for Social Failure

(Chapter 22: This House is Not a Home )
Light x L

L begins to suspect something is missing from his life. He believes the key to be in social interaction - his weak point. At the appearance of the enigma named Light Yagami, he is challenged to rise to the occasion.

Disclaimer: see ch. 1 for full disclaimer

A/N: Thanks guys for reviewing! (Getting review alerts is so exciting!) It makes me so happy to hear what you think and know you are reading. I seriously love you.

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Chapter 22:

The old man held his cellphone to his ear, his lips compressed in a thin line. "Roger."

"How nice of you to return my calls," the aged voice on the other end responded. "It is not like you to keep me waiting."

"But it appears more and more like you to keep me out of things I should be hearing about," the old man said in riposte.

"I operate as I see fit," Roger replied tersely. "While you insist on running about with your pet detective, some of us have to take charge to get things done. You signed the agreement. You gave your consent."

"I never imagined that it would turn out this way."

"Things had to change, Quillish. You know what they are capable of. The Board merely provides a means of containing them."

"They are human beings, Roger. They were never meant to be cultivated and... used this way. The House was supposed to be a place of refuge and education, not a breeding ground for sublimation and greed."

"The more of them we have working for us, the better. Our funds are not indefinite. Even your contributions ran out long ago."

"I don't agree with it, and I don't like how you've changed. You're relying on hired strangers-"

"Of course I am!" Roger Ruvie said desperately. "Quillish, we need them. You've been away too long. You don't understand what it means to have no way to contain these children. Some of them are brilliant, but wildly unstable. We cannot allow them to grow up and then unleash them into the world to do as they please-" He broke off and started again, his voice becoming resolute. "We cannot outsmart them, so we must have a means to overpower them. The system I've set in place will keep them from acting so freely and without conscience or acting against our wishes. Without that kind of guidance, who knows what they may do? Even my own charge... "

Guidance, he says. It was control he spoke of. "Mihael?"

"I do not trust that child nor his ambitions," Roger said harshly, paranoia leeching into his acidic tone. "L was surprisingly grounded for all of his abilities. Not all of them are like that."

"Roger, you speak out of fear. This isn't like y-"

"And what of your charge, Quillish?" Wammy House's manager pressed. "The Board is adamant on hearing a report. It has been weeks since he closed his last case and he is hardly working to his full potential on the few he took on since then."

"This is not a race, Roger." He was trying to be patient and understanding, but he did not like how the situation had escalated in these past several years. Roger was not the kindly man he once knew... and Wammy House was no longer his own pet project and brainchild. "He works at his own speed."

"Are you certain he is not just blowing off his duties? Perhaps he has decided he will do whatever he pleases?"

Watari sighed, taking off his glasses to rub his face. "L is committed, as always," he said primly.

"Then why are you still in Japan?" Roger demanded.

"I expect he has good reason."

"I hear rumors that his last case is on the verge of reopening."

"That seems a good enough reason to me for having stalled our departure. He must have predicted this." Watari withheld the ungentlemanly sigh that wished to escape him. He disliked answering to anyone in this manner. It was a bitter pill for one to take when they used to run things alone. "The Kira case was anything but clean. Surely the Board can take that into consideration before assuming L has dissented?"

"Hrrmph," Roger replied. "We have our eyes on you. If we ever suspect him to entertain the thought of disbanding or doing something dangerous, he will be brought back and re-educated."

So it had come this far?

"Don't threaten me Roger," he said in a low voice. "I am the founder, and I refuse to be spoken to that way."

"You may be, but you gave up your authority long ago, old friend."

Roger Ruvie hung up then, leaving Watari with a dial tone and a heavy heart. The Board... scientists, psychologists and outsourced intelligence agents... In the beginning they were merely to monitor and facilitate the cultivation of the children's minds. Now they presented a threat to their autonomy. This was not supposed to be a business of fashioning a group of money-making intellectuals...

Mihael... it was only natural that that child, independent as he was, would worry Ruvie. He was impulsive and wouldn't take well to being ordered around. But he had always been so, and regardless, Ruvie used to dote on him particularly... What had changed?

It would be no wonder if some of these children rebelled at some point, wanting to choose the path of their lives for themselves. But to fear them to such extremes? Did Roger expect them to bend their minds toward crime and death, did he suspect an uprising against the changes in the running of The House?

Or... was there something else that had him so spooked?

---

L expected this situation days ago, but it did not make the reality of it any more pleasant to deal with.

"Yagami-san, if you wish to continue speaking with me, then I will have to request that you remain calm," L said into the phone Watari had handed him. The Police Chief had called directly, issuing a hostile spate of words inappropriate for a man in his position to utter, as soon as he was certain that Kira had indeed resurfaced. The supposed purpose of the call was to reinstate the task force, but they had not gotten that far yet. It had been a wearing 5 minutes.

L gave up and handed the phone back to Watari. "I'll have you speak to him."

"But, sir," Watari said, eying the cell phone like a poisonous viper. His wrinkled face drooped a little.

L frowned. "It's not as if he will continue like that if it's you."

"Yagami-san?" Watari spoke evenly into the receiver, his cultured voice having a natural placating quality to it. It was one of the best weapons in the British gentleman's arsenal. Excluding his skill with firearms, of course. "Yes, this is Watari. I will be continuing the discussion in L's stead." A brief pause. "He had other business to attend to, and could only spare the few minutes that have already passed."

Watari held the phone out away from his ear. "I'm deeply sorry, sir. I am sure there is plenty you wished to convey to him." Apparently the vitriol died down then, as the older man put the phone to his ear once more. L chewed on his thumb, a black mood rolling over him. He knew what was coming. Yes, he did, and it was both something to be put off and avoided at all costs. Unfortunately...

"Yes, we can arrange a meeting," Watari said.

...he knew that wasn't going to happen.

"Tomorrow evening?"

The black mood deepened, blotting out all hope of peace and light. And Light, as well. He wondered what the brunette would think about this. He would also have anticipated this, but would he choose to stay absent in the resurgence of the task force, or would he choose to take part and put his acting skills to the test?

"Is it necessary that we actively join up with them this time?" L asked Watari in a loud grumble. "They weren't much help before."

"No, Yagami-san, you are mistaken," Watari said assuagingly, the phone still up to his ear. He gave L a disapproving glare. "L has already left the room."

L smiled at him, feeling slightly guilty for troubling Watari, but pleased to have gotten a dig in on the irrationally irate Yagami male.

Though... perhaps 'irrational' was not accurate... The man surely believed his son was executed unjustly, and that the emergence of Kira was proof of L's foul up. He might not have realized yet that they were dealing with someone new. And would he be convinced of such a thing? Or would he cling to his conviction that L was wrong and that his son was put to death as the Kira he never was?

L stared listlessly at a stack of glazed croissants on the table next to him. His solitary respite would soon be over. The task force... People... He did not look forward to re-enmeshing himself into the filthy grid that was human contact. Especially when they would start off being unaccountably angry with him.

Despite their ups and downs, however, Light's company had been generally pleasing. Though it would have him ill-prepared towards interacting with other people again. Dealing with the brunette did count as human contact, but it was on such a different level... it was more closely like dealing with himself than with any outsider.

"L," Watari broke into his thoughts. "I still greatly dislike this situation."

"I know."

"Have you made any progress with Light? Or should you consider giving up this rouse and allowing his father to see him?"

L bit his lip, hard. To insubstantiate all that he had done... Even if he said it was to lure out a second Kira he knew existed... It was possible his extremes would be forgiven... But...

He would lose Light.

Not only to the protective force his father would present, but to Light himself. If I were not there to challenge Light and act as a moral compass, wouldn't Light just fall too quickly back into his lust for power and godhood?

Not only that. Light would become an active Kira and that would be the last nail in my coffin. To admit to such outlandish measures as the faked death in order to bring Light 'back to life', and then to further that with more failure to catch Kira? Both Kiras. I would be humiliated doubly and removed from my position, due to my 'incompetence'.

Either way, he lost Light.

L tasted blood on his tongue, warning him that his flesh had been breached. The coppery tang was fair company to his thoughts and he nursed the wound morbidly.

Even if Light decided to play Emelia, he would have to forbid it. If there remained a chance at all that Light's sincerity was just another lie... The brunette would betray his position to the task force the first opportunity he got. It would undermine and ruin L and assure his freedom all at the same time. His thoughts crystallized and sharpened. He could not allow that possibility the chance to achieve fruition. Light would remain behind.

I won't lose you. I won't.

But his ultimatum might yet lose him the battle. Light still had one way to beat him. If he stubbornly held his secrets, L would have to assume he never was sincere and that all of this had been nothing but a convincing ploy; a clever way for Kira to slip under the radar until he deemed it time to emerge triumphant.

You know this, don't you, Light? You know what the line I have set truly means? If you were ever serious about me at all, you know you have no choice but to give me the notebook. If you refuse, it is only a matter of time before your decision produces your death.

---

Subject: Justice is in the eye of the beholder

I would like very much to speak with you. I cannot say more in a public forum such as this... but if you would send a means of contact through my profile, I will be in touch.

-user1285

"Eeeeh?" Misa whined, frowning at the screen. "Rem, what do you think of this one? Do you think this is L?"

Rem peered at the screen. "It may be. They do not say enough for me to be sure."

"But they gave me a way to give them information without exposing myself... I think I'll send an IM name. That can't be traced, can it?"

"I don't know much about technology," Rem replied.

"Hmm," Misa sulked. "I could make an new email account for this or an IM account... but either way, I'll have to travel out of the area." She balanced a pen on her upper lip. "But I'll have to do that just to reply to this, since I don't want to use my laptop or cell." She put her head on her hand and wiggled the pen a little. "Light was always so good at stuff like this... Thinking about it just gives me a headache."

Rem stood by silently.

"You know, Rem, I don't even know if or how they could track me from using my own stuff. It just seems the sort of thing Light would get obsessive and angry over if I didn't do it." She leaned her head back and stared at Rem, upside down with a thoughtful look on her face. "He was really uptight, you know? But maybe he had to be because he was so smart..."

Rem, wisely, maintained her stoic silence.

"Oh?" Misa tipped her chair back on all four legs. "Look, Rem, another message! It's as vague as the first one. But it has a different user name. Hmmmm. What if they are BOTH L?"

"What if they are both not L?"

"Errr," Misa grumbled. "You have a point. Maybe I'll have to talk to them to find out."

Misa suddenly let out a screeching sigh, flinging her hands into the air. "This is going to take so much TIME!"

"You could tell them you will only be in contact on a certain day... But if it is L - or if several of them are L - he may make a note of your limited communication."

"Like thinking it was my day off?"

"Yes, and that you might choose such a day to travel out of your home area."

"That still wouldn't give him a way to peg me out of everyone."

"Not unless he already suspects you," Rem agreed. "Which he might."

Misa chewed on a fingernail. "I guess since I knew Light, he would be watching me, huh?"

"I would think so."

Misa continued to shorten the nail between her teeth, her her eyebrows drawing together as she contemplated the situation. "It looks like I'll have to make my move sooner than I thought," she said softly to herself .

---

L let himself in to the room he essentially shared with Light, laptop in hand. He didn't dare leave such a machine in Light's possession, as there was too much he could do with such a tool. He'd limited the brunette, therefore, to books.

"What's in the bag?" the subject of his thought inquired.

"Lunch."

Light sighed. "I'd gathered as much - I wanted to know what it actually was."

L set his computer case on the desk. "Is Light-kun too impatient to wait a few moments to find out?"

"If I said yes, would you be more or less inclined to lengthen my wait?"

L flexed his hand on the rolled top of the brown paper bag. "Probably more," he agreed.

"It is that sort of behavior that makes socializing so difficult for you, Ryuuzaki. If you don't want people to dislike you, you must put yourself in their place. It would irritate you if I were to make you wait for no particular reason, would it not?"

"But I want to see how you'll react."

"That is not a commendable reason," Light grumbled. "It has to make sense and be acceptable to them, not you."

"Why are you trying to train me? What benefit does it have for you?" He put the bag down and opened it, unloading the contents which were American-style deli sandwiches and two styrofoam containers of soup.

Light drifted over towards the food. "One, because your social skills are painfully lacking, and it annoys me." He picked up a soup container and examined it. "Two, because I feel bad for you having to deal with the task force again when so ill-equipped. What is in this one?"

"Herbed chicken lentil. The other is tomato basil, also with chicken."

"Ah." Light kept the one he had in hand and accepted the spoon L offered him. "And those?" He indicated the wax paper wrapped sandwiches. He sank into the straight-backed chair next to L's - a second one they'd had to request from management.

"Sweet Thai chicken with spring onions and sliced turkey with cranberry."

"It's hard to tell which you intended for yourself, Ryuuzaki. They both sound rather saccharine."

"Actually, the cranberry has not been sweetened much. At all, if you ask me. You should like it."

"Mmm." Light accepted L's choice but continued to work daintily at his soup.

L tried not to take much notice of the way Light's long lashes looked as they swept down to brush his cheeks with every carefully taken sip. Or the way his sensuous lips slid over the unworthy plastic spoon. He was not staring. He was waiting to hear Light say if he liked the soup or not. It was only polite.

"Is there a reason you are staring at me, Ryuuzaki?" Light asked without lifting his eyes.

"I'm not staring. I'm waiting for you to tell me if you liked the soup or not." Keep telling yourself that. Maybe with so much repetition, you'll come to believe it, he scoffed at himself. Parroting his mental excuses aloud for lack of anything better seemed a new low.

Light glanced up then, raising an eyebrow. "Indeed. You should know what I like by now, Ryuuzaki."

If the way Light practically purred his name was not enough, the teasing look in his eyes as he flicked his tongue against the tip of the spoon was certainly too much. L looked away quickly before the flush of heal he felt rush through him could manifest on his face. He busied himself with unwrapping his sandwich while wondering how much longer he could stand being close to Light without being intimate with him in any way. He'd thought at first that it would not be impossibly difficult, but as days passed, the brunette was prone to do things such as this... flirting... suggestive sort of behavior. Yet the moment would pass and Light would act as if it had never occurred.

L took a bite of his sandwich and cast a surreptitious glance at his companion. The brunette was innocently eating his soup, as expected, though he had a suspiciously pleasant near-smile ghosting his lips.

Was this solicitousness an act? Or was it a natural reaction borne of their recent cessation of physicality?

L groaned inwardly. Either way, it was hard to ignore, and harder still to remain unaffected.

"And how is your sandwich?" Light asked, his voice containing that lightened octave of concern that indicated amused playacting. "You're hardly eating it at all."

"I find I can get too distracted for that when things are on my mind." Before Light could act too smug, he added, "For instance, hiding our own personal investigation into the second Kira from the task force and still allotting an acceptable amount of time to it."

"That again," the brunette shrugged his shoulders as if dislodging a particularly annoying, pestering insect. "I could help you if you left me the laptop." He bit down on the spoon, the plastic creaking in warning between his teeth.

"You know I can't do that."

"I know." Light released his hold momentarily, eyes flashing in irritation. "But our progress is going to be greatly stalled, and this new Kira irks me."

Creeeak, the plastic protested.

"Also," Light added, "it bothers me to have the task force assemble here, where I am practically under their nose. Not that they would find me, of course... it is more the principle of the thing. And with that, your time with me will be extremely limited."

"..." L was not sure which things he should address. "At least you will have some time to yourself?"

Light glared at him. "Unnecessary," he said. "Besides, I know that you will have Watari watch me in your absence."

L decided to shift tracks. One thing had been nagging at the back of his head and he required some sort of response, be it true or put on. "Light... if I were to offer you the option of debunking your death and reuniting with your father and family and potentially the task force for this current investigation... what would think?"

Light's eyes widened. "Besides you being out of your mind?"

"Yes, besides that."

Light leaned back in his chair, the soup temporarily abandoned. His elegant brows drew together and he fixed L with a puzzled look. "None of the outcomes would benefit you in any way."

"I'm aware of this."

"Are you wanting me to encourage you in this? That is the only thing I can think of - that my enthusiasm for such would cement in your mind that I desire the freedom to use the notebook above all else. Were the reverse the case, revealing myself will only be a disadvantage to me, as well as to you."

"So you will not answer?" L prodded.

"I think you are out of your head to suggest such a thing; that is my answer."

"Ah."

"Oh, if I am more specific than that, you'll strangle yourself in the throes of circular logic," The brunette waved a tired, regally held hand. "I'd rather not bear witness to such a thing, especially when I am trying to eat," he said with dramatic airs.

"How gracious of you, Light-kun."

"I try."

---

Light and L finished lunch, the brunette going out of his way to admit that his companion had been right about the sandwich.

The dark-haired detective looked pleased and somewhat embarrassed over his compliments, so Light decided to border on excessive with them in the future. He liked that look on L. Perhaps more than he should?

Meanwhile, L's question had posed a bit of a problem. While rejoining the living, so to speak, would grant him freedom... he had no doubt that resulting events would whisk L cleanly and perhaps permanently out of his grasp. Even if he were to desire freedom to use the notebook, he would find a different way. He would have said as much, not wanting the detective to betray his existence for any reason, but he was not sure what had motivated him to suggest such a thing. He most certainly did not want L to indulge that irrational course of action.

Did L worry about him missing his family? Was it guilt that moved him?

He needn't worry about that. Any sadness he felt was such a dim, passing flicker of emotion, it was hardly worth noting. What came to his mind first and foremost when thinking of his family were the words obligation and facade. He had a demanding role to play for them and it had been liberating to forgo the pressures of it until now. School was another obligation that surfaced in his family's expectations. It was unnecessary for his learning, and was truly centered around the meaningless interactions he must carry on in the guise of friendship. It was for making connections that were somehow supposed to benefit him later in life. Networking.

He hated it.

With every successfully smooth transaction he completed, his dissatisfaction grew. That in turn was feeding his disgust and hatred for them, their simple-mindedness, and the boredom they offered as if he should welcome it.

And these were part of those that populated Kira's kingdom.

Was he un-bothered by the fact? Were they acceptable as subjects, though they were all to be looked down upon? These were the people he was supposedly fighting for?

And L, the most worthy of any being he'd ever encountered... L's death would have to pave the way to his ascension?

It rankled.

It did.

So truly, what he would sacrifice L for was not a better world, because the world was inherently flawed. It was not for peace, because humans were at odds with peace. It would be done only to allow him to become a god. He would become Lord over a world of filth, and he would be alone in his domain.

Every day the same...

In my empire of dirt...

What would sate my cravings?

What could motivate me after the feat is accomplished?

Would I come to wish to bring it all crashing down upon their heads?

Innocent and guilty alike?

Oh, how glittery one's aspirations could be until the moment of attainment. How quickly they became faded and meaningless.

---

TBC

A/N: Cue drum roll...... da dun DUN.

I found that while I hated Misa in the manga, I can't quite muster up much dislike of her in the anime. Yes, voice actors can influence me that much! Her Japanese VA sounds like Reira from Nana, who I really liked, but I have yet to check on that. :)

ETA: Hell yeah, I was RIGHT! It is the same VA.