Death Note Fan Fiction ❯ Brilliance Tarnished ❯ Breaking ( Chapter 5 )

The morning felt much the same as any other had that week...aside from the fact that with this morning, Raito had finally fulfilled his goal of possessing L physically. It made his mood buoyant and benevolent as he prepared his tea.

 

L was still asleep - or imitating sleep. Whichever it was, he decided that he would allow it, and allow the detective to be without handcuffs again for the day. It was necessary, really, considering the oddly beaten behavior of his companion for the last day or so. At first Raito had taken it for a facade, but L wasn't the type to create such seemings. On the off chance that his captive was actually in serious psychological distress, he would have to be more careful.

 

Ratio lingered in the kitchen, sipping his tea thoughtfully as he continued to consider the boy that was asleep in the bedroom. After they had finished last night, L had been almost completely unresponsive, even when Raito had uncuffed him and cleaned him up. There had only been a touch of blood on the dark-haired boy's thighs - nothing to be traumatized by. Yet L's eyes had remained dull and unfocused.

 

Having dominated L with sex, Raito thought that he ought to be satisfied and done with the entire charade. But the urge, the desire he'd felt previously, remained unsated. It was irritating. What more could he possibly wring out of the detective, aside from death? What other game could they play together?

 

Raito had had L's body...but not his feelings.

 

With that sudden thought from the back of his mind, glee surged through him. There was a game he hadn't played in earnest with his captive, there was. To become dear to L, to make L love him and need him - that would be such an exciting game to play. A challenging one.

 

To obtain the emotional regard of another, kindness and charm were typically the key elements, weren't they? That, and making it seem that the affection was reciprocated. But he also needed to maintain his control over his captive. To strike the perfect balance between the two poles would be a thrilling exercise. Once he succeeded in earning L's affection, it would be much less difficult to get what he wanted from the other boy. And what he wanted...was a reaction.

 

Raito set down his empty teacup and took L's out of the barren cupboard, pouring a measure of steaming green tea into it and drowning it with sugar. He grimaced distastefully as he watched the sweetness dissolving into the tea, tainting it. With a shrug, he picked up the cup and went to the bedroom door, opening it quietly.

 

L was motionless where he lay in Raito's bed, dark eyes half open and staring at the ceiling. Slowly, those eyes moved to refocus on him, registering his presence. That pale face remained expressionless as their eyes met.

 

Raito walked slowly to the side of the bed, concerned. "I brought you some tea, Ryuuzaki. Why don't you sit up a bit?" He helped the detective into a sitting position, noting the wince that crossed the other boy's face. He propped the pillows behind L, trying to make the position more comfortable to maintain.

 

"Come on," Raito encouraged softly, injecting tenderness into his voice as he held the cup up to those sealed lips. As L's hands came up to take the cup, he left one of his own hands lightly atop the detective's. "Good, that's better," he soothed as the cup was tilted up for a sip.

 

As if it took all the effort in the world, L dragged heavy eyes back up to meet his and croaked, "Why are you doing this?"

 

Too kind? Had he been suspicious? Raito adopted a brusque stance. "The way you question everything is both a good trait and a fault, Ryuuzaki," he replied a bit snappishly.

 

L grunted and took another sip, eyes still locked on his face.

 

Oddly enough, Raito found that the scrutiny made him uncomfortable. It was that peering look, the one that made it seem as if L were able to see through walls, skin and all deceptions down to the true structures and foundations underneath. He felt defensive, and his first instinct was to lash out at L and ask how the detective felt this morning. But it would be too much. Too much damage.

 

The realization that the great L was so delicate both disgusted and delighted him. It won't be as difficult as I had initially thought to work my way inside of you.

 

"What are you thinking right now?" L rasped out, gaze sharpening.

 

"That I have too many things to do today. Why?" Had something slipped into his expression? He had to be more careful if he wanted his displays of caring to seem authentic.

 

"I...would swear that Yagami-kun had been thinking something unsavory about world domination or victimizing someone." L's eyes were defiant, only wavering slightly.

 

Brave of you, L. Well, Raito wasn't about to be provoked into ruining his new plan. "I don't think about those things all the time, Ryuuzaki," he replied quietly, averting his eyes. "Sometimes I have other concerns. Lately that is more the case."

 

"What might those be?" his captive pressed, falling back on his usual poker face that consisted of a blank expression and wide eyes.

 

"Nothing I want to talk about right now," he said calmly, letting L think he had uncovered something that Raito would rather not share. "I have to go. Do you need anything before I leave?"

 

"Nothing that you're willing to give," L retorted, expression still blank.

 

"Well, I suppose you're all right if you're talking like this," Raito murmured, moving away. "I'll bring in something for you to eat and the rest of the tea, and then I'll have to lock you in."

 

"Fine."

 

 

 

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L had focused on being as unresponsive to Raito as possible while his captor had been in the room. Now that he had been locked in by himself, he was still unable to relax, waiting for the sound of the front door as his sign of safety. He knew that the brunette was still in the apartment.

 

Finally, he heard the front door close. Only then did he allow the festering anger inside of him to show on his face. He surged to his feet, wincing and gasping at the painful ache that flowered inside of him at the sudden movement. Clenching his fists, he hoped fervently that he would get the chance to bloody Raito's hateful face.

 

L made his way to the dresser and jerked a drawer open, pulling out suitable clothing for himself. He, the greatest detective in the world, reduced to Kira's whore! But even 'whore' implied that he was receiving compensation, which he most certainly was not. Regardless, it was absolutely intolerable and loathsome. To think that Raito had gone so far - he couldn't fathom any other motive but destruction. Raito was waging psychological warfare upon him in the lowest form imaginable, trying to break his mind. Here he had thought that there was some slight respect for him in the other boy's mind, but he knew better now.

 

The tight ache in in his chest surprised him. How could this unpleasant feeling be related to his disillusionment in the vague notion of some friendship between the two of them? He should have known from the beginning, but...as he closed his eyes for a moment, the slight kindnesses played behind them in the darkness of his mind. Raito's seemingly unguarded moments. The things that didn't make sense. The brunette's reactions to him. Or was it merely part of some greater plan to lower his own defenses?

 

What a waste you are, Raito. The thought filled him with something like intense disappointment, but the feeling was also akin to how he felt when he occasionally realized how alone he was in the world. It was...grief? Yes, how incredible you are, and it is such a waste.

 

L made a disgusted noise and pulled on his clothing impatiently. He didn't have time for these stupid, distracting feelings. He had to escape. There had to be a way, if he could only purge these petty distractions from his mind and focus.

 

He scanned the room sharply, thinking. Obviously Raito would not be careless enough to leave a key or a useful tool. Even if he were able to pick the lock somehow, he would still have two more to pick before he could escape, and they were all deadbolts. It would take too long, and if Raito should come home and discover what he was up to - he would never get another chance. No, there had to be a more viable and less obvious option.

 

There were no windows in the bedroom, certainly. Could he make a hole in the wall? He eyed the small bedside lamp disdainfully and decided not. Besides, he was certain that Raito had said previously that no one would hear him if he yelled. Was that the truth? He had certainly never heard anything to indicate that there was anyone else nearby.

 

That left the bathroom. L moved to investigate it, turning the light on. He found it a bit difficult to face the bathroom, too. The mirror showed him his own weary, alabaster face, and the shower stall was stamped all over with Raito and himself - he couldn't even bear to look at it. The images and feelings were too intense. He could almost feel Kira's eyes consuming his naked flesh, though he was clothed and safely alone.

 

L quickly knelt to look under the sink, putting everything else out of his mind. A couple of bottles of hair products, some soap, nothing much. None of it was anything that Raito seemed to use regularly. Those products were already out. None of what was under the sink was useful, either. As he rose to open the medicine cabinet, he heard a faint thump.

 

He froze, dread snaking up his spine as his heart simultaneously began to hammer. Was the brunette back?

 

The sound came again, accompanied by muffled voices. Now that he was listening closely, he was able to perceive that it came from beneath him. The apartment beneath Raito's had someone in it! He crouched, yelling at the floor and hoping that he would be heard. He paused to listen for a response and heard what sounded like a power drill starting up. They hadn't heard him.

 

Were they maintenance staff for the apartment complex? What would get their attention down there? L ran through a list of possible problems he could create, and then his eyes focused on the pipe under the sink right in front of him. The cabinet beneath the sink was sunken by several inches, so water could accumulate in the cabinet to leak down to the apartment below.

 

If he were careful, he could damage the seal between the two pieces of pipe just enough to fill the cabinet beneath the sink without overflowing the ledge of the door. L suppressed the hope that stirred within him. Results first.

 

In the event that Raito discovered it, he would assume it was a normal failure and not anything that L had done, wouldn't he? Even if his captor only suspected, that would do. So long as there wasn't actual proof.

 

L set to work.

 

 

 

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“If anyone can find Kira, it's you, Yagami-kun,” Matsuda said from behind him.

 

Raito snapped out of his reverie of last night and swiveled his chair just enough to enable him to see the other occupant of the room. “Hm?” He made a show of noticing that the other members of the task force were absent. “Has everyone gone out?”

 

Matsuda laughed, one hand rising self-consciously to the back of his head. “You work so hard that you don't notice anything else, do you? That's...really admirable. You're really...” the words faltered, a blush rising in Matsuda's earnest face.

 

Oh, god, spare me! Raito thought with disgusted irritation, struggling not to roll his eyes. “I just feel so strongly about this case,” he replied passionately.

 

The dark-haired boy edged closer, running a tentative finger along the corner of Raito's desk. “You don't feel strongly about many things, do you, Yagami-kun? Just this case, your family and...L.” Matsuda refused to meet Raito's eyes as he spoke.

 

“That's right,” he replied matter-of-factly, waiting for the horrible dialogue to strangle itself.

 

But Matsuda continued doggedly. “Do you...are you...dating...?”

 

Raito resisted the urge to clench his fingers over the arms of his chair. “No, I don't have time for that right now.” Time to finish this. “Besides,” he mused, “the only people I need are L and Misa.”

 

“O-of course. You're so busy, and so amazing. You have everything sorted out in your life, don't you, Yagami-kun? You're that kind of person.”

 

“Indeed,” he replied with a smile. “Speaking of which, I really ought to leave and check up on Misa. I leave her alone more than I like these days.”

 

“I'll be here, of course.” Matsuda waved half-heartedly as Raito rose.

 

“We need more dedicated people like you,” Raito cast over his shoulder as he escaped headquarters. Abysmal. How obvious did he have to be?

 

Why couldn't everyone just leave him alone? It seemed lately as if everyone had something that they wanted from him, something that they needed to pester him about consistently. L was the only person that wasn't a constant source of irritation to him. He dreaded the day he became bored of the other boy, the day the entertainment of their struggle paled.

 

He was already beginning to despise the routine of maintaining his false life. Not yet the part of having a secret place with L. He still found that very entertaining. But the monotonous juggling of the task force, the communications, family, Misa and the shinigami was beginning to make him feel violent. And if Matsuda made eyes at him one more time...

 

Raito gritted his teeth aggressively, no other thoughts in his mind as he endeavored to escape headquarters.

 

Once he was outside, he was able to breathe a little easier and consider a course of action that would soothe and please his captive. Recuperative measures. Unfortunately, the effectiveness of any action would be greatly lessened if he did not keep his hands off of L for at least a day or so. It shouldn't be difficult. After all, the detective was merely an outlet for frustration, and the most satisfactory way of spending his sexual energy. He didn't need to touch him. He could wait.

 

 

 

 

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L glanced up from making his toes dance as he heard the door to the apartment open and close, putting him instantly on alert. After a few moments, there came the sound of the key in the bedroom door and it opened slowly, Raito's face appearing in the gap cautiously. "Ryuuzaki?" the brunette murmured, eyes seeking him out.

 

"Do you expect me to be anywhere else?" he replied archly, hands wrapping around his own feet and squeezing without any thought.

 

"I suppose not,"Raito replied with a slight smirk, entering the room more confidently than he had opened the door.

 

L watched warily as the other boy drew closer, forcing himself not to recoil as one of those dangerous hands reached out to lightly stroke his hair. "Everything okay at headquarters?" he asked to distract himself.

 

"Heh. Well enough, if only Matsuda would leave me alone."

 

L felt a sour twinge within him. "What do you mean?"

 

Those rich and luminous eyes descended to hold his face. "He appears to like me. Why, Ryuuzaki?' Raito's smile sharpened, splitting slightly. "Are you actually jealous?"

 

He batted away the hand that was still lingering behind his head and glanced away. "Don't be illogical, Raito. Please feel free to redirect your friendship towards Matsuda. I'm certain he would have a greater appreciation for it."

 

There was a long, breathless pause. "I see," Raito finally said calmly.

 

L glanced up, perplexed at how calm his captor was. But then he saw the glint in Kira's eyes - eyes that were riveted upon him. He felt his throat and stomach tighten with dread, just as uncertain of how to handle himself with this person as he had been a few days ago.

 

Raito suddenly turned away, heading for the bedroom door. "I'm making tea if you'd like to come out," the brunette called over his shoulder.

 

He blinked, confused. Where were the repercussions for his behavior? Why was the other boy treating him like a human being today? It made him extremely uneasy, as grateful as he was for remaining unmolested for the moment. L released his feet from the death-grip he had on them and unfolded himself to stand, slowly shuffling out into the living room.

 

True to Raito's word, he was busily making tea. L watched the graceful dance of those elegant hands for a moment, wishing all over again that his friend had not turned out to be Kira. Why couldn't this be a truly normal evening between friends? He could almost imagine what it would have been like. It made the grief-knot from earlier return to lodge in his chest. He sank down onto the footrest, wilting.

 

"What's wrong, Ryuuzaki?" Light's melodious voice asked as he continued making tea, tone soothing and tender as it stroked down L's spine.

 

Involuntarily, he brought his thumb up and bit it sharply. "Nothing, Raito, nothing whatsoever." His voice sounded too flat to be perfectly convincing.

 

Raito paused at that, lifting his head with a pained smile. "Come now, Ryuu. I know when something is bothering you." The brunette left the kitchen, approaching him and kneeling before him.

 

L's entire body tensed warily. "Don't forget the tea."

 

That strange smile was still on his companion's lips. Burnt amber eyes caressed his face intently, invasive and pressing. "You're always lying to me," Raito murmured gently, voice almost a whisper as the other boy reached up to slowly draw L's hand back down, saving the skin of his thumb. His hand was then pressed between both of Raito's and lightly stroked.

 

L felt panic rushing up his throat and into his brain. He struggled desperately to beat it back, to remain in control of his reactions.

 

"Be yourself," his captor murmured, lifting the imprisoned hand and laying a languid, sensual kiss across the back of it. "That's what I like about you." Raito turned L's hand in his grasp, mouth wandering over the vulnerability of palm and then wrist, caressing easing into demanding. The sudden prick of teeth and tease of tongue over the delicate flesh of his wrist did him in. He leapt to his feet, darting across the room to put his back to the bar, staring wildly at Raito's back.

 

The brunette turned around, rising slowly. "Ryuu, what's the--"

 

"Don't touch me!" L rasped out, horrified to discover that he was shaking.

 

Raito continued to advance, arms open. "When have I truly harmed you? Be reasonable. Aren't we friends?"

 

L fumbled behind him and pulled a knife from the knife block on the bar, brandishing it at the bane of his existence. "Don't come any closer! I refuse to allow you to touch me anymore!"

 

The other boy appeared briefly startled, but was not deterred. "What do you mean to do with that?" Raito asked gently, tone disarming.

 

"Don't make me hurt you!" L gasped out, eyes unwillingly drawn down to the planes of Raito's chest and stomach that were revealed by the unbuttoned shirt. When had that shirt become unbuttoned?? More proof of his companion's questionable intentions.

 

"Would you really hurt your friend?" Raito was very close now.

 

"You're not my friend!" he cried out, slashing the air before him to keep the space around him open.

 

His captor took the last step, perfectly calm, arms still outspread. "If you hate me so much, why don't you just--"

 

L slashed blindly with his eyes tightly shut, cringing back against the bar. When he realized that he had felt a slight shock of contact through the knife, his eyes snapped open. Raito stood before him still, but he was staring down at his torso, bleeding from a gash across his abdomen.

 

He choked and froze, trembling so hard now that it was plainly visible. As if from a great distance, he stared at the blood coursing down Raito's velvety skin, felt the guilt and horror throttling him. He fled into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. With that, he felt the sudden need to rush to the bathroom, at which point he dropped the knife, vomiting abruptly into the sink. He gasped in great heaving breaths, almost sobbing, and covered his face. What if Raito came after him?? Raito would kill him! What if Raito were critically injured and needed help? What if Raito passed out and died while he was hiding in here?

 

L slid to the floor, still shaking violently, and reluctantly picked the knife up again. He had to be...he had to be ready. "I can't do it," he whispered, unable to imagine stabbing or cutting Raito again. "I can't do it."

 

Raito would come for him. He curled up around the knife, holding it tightly, and bit his thumb over and over until it bled.

 

 

 

 

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Raito continued staring down at his injury for a moment more after L slammed into the bedroom, in complete shock. Then he raised his head, gaze boring into the bedroom door. The wound stung fiercely, but it didn't appear to be deep. Still, he would have to treat it, and that meant he would have to leave the apartment.

 

He scowled as he grabbed a handful of paper towels and did his best to staunch the bleeding. His slacks were ruined, too. He quickly moved to lock the bedroom door to keep the armed and dangerous L away from him.

 

To think that L would go so far as to cut him...! It hadn't been the least bit calculated. The other boy could have killed him. He smiled wryly despite himself. Wouldn't it have been ironic to be killed by L, of all people?

 

Raito carefully buttoned his shirt and kept the paper towels pressed to his abdomen, holding them in place under the shirt. After that, he slipped his shoes on and left, intending to make his way to Misa's place for the night. She would treat him and have some clothes for him to wear, as well as being a convenient way to dispose of the evidence of his injury in a place that wasn't his.

 

He felt a twinge of conscience over pushing L. He'd promised himself to leave the detective alone for a day, but apparently his willpower was unreliable when it came to keeping his hands off of his friend. Before he had realized it, touching that pale hand had somehow led to kissing it, and then he had wanted to taste it and consume it. And it had all happened as naturally as breathing.

 

The lack of control and intent disturbed him more than he wanted to admit. He continued to brood as he traveled, his awareness of his surroundings dimming.

 

Before he knew it, Raito found himself at the door to Misa's apartment without much recollection of getting there. He had been almost completely preoccupied with thoughts of L. He knocked reluctantly.

 

After a few moments, the door opened and Misa squeaked with joy. "Raito, darling! I can't believe you came - I was just thinking about you. I joined this group online for the power of thought, and it has been proven--"

 

"Misa, I'm injured," Raito interjected coolly. "And please send Rem away if she's here. I can't stand being glared at."

 

Misa gasped and pulled him into the apartment, brimming with concern. "Whaaat? How did my precious get hurt?"

 

"I was on my way here to see you and was mugged. I fought the man off, but he had a knife and he cut me..." Raito unbuttoned his shirt as he spoke, pulling the bloody paper towels away.

 

Misa cried out and ran into her bedroom, presumably to retrieve first aid supplies.

 

Raito wandered into the bedroom after her, trying to keep his blood from dripping on the floor. He kept seeing L's traumatized eyes, and the way the dark-haired boy had been shaking. I hurt you too much, he thought darkly, closing his own eyes. This was probably only what he deserved.

 

Friend. Friend. What did that stupid word mean, anyway? Weren't he and L friends? Raito tilted his head slightly as he considered, well aware that his idea of friendship had never matched the others he knew. He had never had a need for friendship. He still didn't.

 

He was vaguely aware that Misa was before him, cleaning his injury. He paid her no mind, completely absorbed by the dark, accusing eyes in his mind. "You're not my friend!" L had cried in such a heart-wrenching voice. Terrified eyes. Shaking hands. The indomitable and unflappable L losing his mind to such a degree that he couldn't even taunt or challenge Raito.

 

"Raito?" Misa prompted softly.

 

The images wouldn't stop coming. L last night, doll-like, dull-eyed and limp. There had only been a touch of blood - nothing to be traumatized by, he had thought so coldly this morning. Always forcing his way in. It wasn't only a game, because it mattered if he lost, if he made mistakes.

 

"Raito!"

 

L was the only person he acknowledged. The only human being on his level. Yet he had been treating him like an object, a possession. What if there were lasting damage to that amazing mind?

 

A touch on his face startled him and he glared down at Misa. "What is it?"

 

"You...you were so distracted. What were you thinking about?"

 

"Nothing. Crime will be a thing of the past once I become a god."

 

"What I really wish, Raito-kun, is for you not to be Kira," L's voice echoed in his mind.

 

"Shut up," he whispered harshly, putting a hand to his head.

 

"What?" Misa asked, sounding concerned.

 

"Nothing, it's nothing," he assured her brusquely. "I'm just tired."

 

"Misa was hoping...maybe Raito would like to make love?" Misa's hopeful eyes peered up at him from under the blond fringe of her bangs.

 

The very thought of doing anything with Misa made him ill. "Even though I've just been injured?" he asked with an edge in his voice.

 

Misa drooped like an unloved houseplant. "Oh, right. Sorry, Raito."

 

"Kun, dammit, Raito-kun. If you insist on being disrespectful, I absolutely won't have sex with you, Misa."

 

"Raito-kun is mean!" she exclaimed passionately, turning and fleeing the room.

 

He would go back tomorrow to make things right with L, to re-establish the rules. They were friends. He owed the detective an apology.

 

Raito sighed deeply, wincing as it aggravated the now bandaged cut. He turned to the nearest wall, moving to lean against it. "What is your name?" he murmured to it, closing his eyes to thoughts of alabaster skin that rejected him.