Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ Deep As You Go ❯ Wall of Silence ( Chapter 7 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Disclaimer : No one's mine. And since I forgot last chapter, the song used in it was copyrighred by Renaissance Pictures and probably Joseph Lo Duca and other people I'm not sure about.

Author's Notes: Gee, the rating went up! What could that mean? Anyway, sorry this took so long. I'm trying to post at least one chapter per month, hopefully more, but a little while ago my piece of junk computer (my letter bomb is in the mail, Acer) crashed unexpectedly. Like, really unexpectedly, so I couldn't back anything up (luckily most of my stuff was still backed up from when it crashed in December.) However, I lost the first few pages of this chapter, so I had to rewrite it in the college computer lab, and due to the content I had to do it when the lab was fairly empty. Anyway, I now have a wonderful new computer (my flowers are in the mail, Gateway) and thus, new chapterage. This computer shouldn't crash (Please please don't crash) so updates should be more regular from now on.

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When Ken awoke it was still dark outside. The glowing red numbers on his clock proclaimed the time to be just past one in the morning, and the moonlight still shone through the open window.

"Damn…." Ken muttered as he sat up, one hand going to his head. He recalled only a little of what had happened the night before. All he knew was that he had gotten nice and drunk and then….he wasn't sure what had happened then. Ken sighed. "Well, at least I woke up alone this time."

"Not so pure, are we, dear?" Ken turned as the Kaiser materialized in the chair by his desk. He was wearing nothing but a pair of boxers and socks with little Wormmons on them, and he was idly smoking a cigarette. "Do we have a bit of a hangover? You know you shouldn't drink too much, precious. I must say, you look like death."

"Shut up," Ken grumbled. "And who are you to lecture me on getting drunk anyway?"

"Poor baby," the Kaiser purred, getting to his feet. "Finally had a good night and you don't remember a thing. But don't be sad that you woke up all alone. I can help you with that. Come to me." He stretched a hand towards Ken and smiled seductively. "I know a nice game we can play."

"Not now," Ken said, though his voice was hesitant and he took the proffered hand anyway, getting to his feet. "I-I don't feel very well."

"I can take care of that," the Kaiser whispered in his ear before burying his face in Ken's neck and nipping softly at the smooth skin. "Don't be so uptight, precious. I'll make it all better. I always do."

"I should go back to sleep," Ken protested feebly. "I-I need to sleep off the hangover. My head hurts…and my memory's so fuzzy I can't even…"

"Does it matter?" the Kaiser murmured. "Don't fight it, love. You know I'll always have you in the end."

"But I…." Ken's voice died away and he closed his eyes, surrendering to the Kaiser's touch. In his mind he carefully went over what he remembered from earlier that night.

I remember going to the party and having a few drinks. And then…then what? I-I think I danced. Yes, that's right. I danced, with-with-A familiar face flashed through his mind, soft brown eyes and unruly hair, topped by a familiar pair of goggles. No, not him! I couldn't have!

"Little slut!" In a matter of seconds the Kaiser's soft touches turned to an angry slap to the face. Ken fell across the bed and lay there, reeling. "Weakling boy!" The Kaiser stalked towards Ken, hissing in displeasure. "You have angered me, pet. You know how I don't like being angered."

"It-it was an accident!" Ken argued, staring up at the ceiling. "I was drunk, dammit! I didn't mean to-"

"Oh?" The Kaiser's very words were like poison. "Never lie to me, my love. I know you too well. You let him take you again, simpering little beast that you are."

"I-I didn't," Ken replied. "I didn't want to. I hate him, I've told you that! I hate him and I will never forgive him for what he did!"

"And still you lie!" The Kaiser was suddenly upon Ken, straddling him and keeping him pinned to the bed. "Never forget, darling, that I am your only dance partner. Have you forgotten what you owe me so soon?"

"I haven't forgotten!" Ken said. "It was a mistake. Daisuke will understand that, he must! He knows the terms between us."

"There are no terms," the Kaiser hissed. "You will hate him. I'll make sure of that."

"I told you, I do! I'll hate him for the rest of my life!" Ken yelled back.

"Oh really? Then why are you crying?"

Ken started to raise a hand to wipe away the sudden tears, but the Kaiser grabbed his wrists and kept him pinned to the bed.

"Listen closely to me, my little toy," the Kaiser said. "You will care nothing for him. I will see to that. This pleasure I offer you has its price, as everything does, and the price is your very life. You will hate him with all your soul and then we will be free to do as we please." Though he retained his iron grip on Ken's wrist, the Kaiser's face grew softer as he leaned down to kiss his captive. "One way or another, you will be mine."

"I already am yours!" Ken argued. "Now let me go."

"Why should I?" the Kaiser asked, a snake's smile creeping onto his face. "I'm not done with you quite yet, my love."

"I need to go back to sleep," Ken said. "I-I have to meet Daisuke at the library tomorrow and…" His voice trailed off as he realized what he had just said. A thundercloud passed over the Kaiser's face and he suddenly leaned down and kissed Ken violently on the lips, his fingers digging into Ken's wrists.

"I should let you go to him. Then we will see what a fool you are, my pet. You will forget all the wrong he has done you and fly back into his arms. And then when he casts you aside like garbage, as you know he will, you will crawl back into my arms, broken and beaten, nothing more than the dusty remains of a marble statue…"

"I won't go back to him!" Ken promised. "Let me go."

"Never," the Kaiser purred. "You are my plaything. That is all you've ever been. I hold you bound and I will not turn over your chains to him so easily." He stretched out across Ken, biting at his neck. He glanced up, staring straight into Ken's eyes. "You are my prisoner, as always. And I will hold you fast on this chain until you choke on your own spit!"

"I-stop it…." Ken found his breath suddenly coming in short, light gasps. "Let me go, please!"

"Never," the Kaiser repeated, his body pushing against Ken's. "Isn't this what you wanted? Someone who will never let you go…"

"Y-you're not real." Ken swallowed hard. "You're in my head. It's different."

"I'm you," the Kaiser whispered, one hand momentarily letting go of Ken's wrists to reach up and push Ken's hair out of his eyes. "And it's really not as different as you would like to think. Now stop being obstinate."

"I said, let me go!" Ken tried to sound forceful, but his voice was shaking. "Don't…"

"I'll always be here for you…" The Kaiser planted a line of kisses along the nape of Ken's neck, moving under the collar of his shirt. "Just like you wanted."

"P-please…" Ken's breathing grew heavier. "Stop it. I-I don't want you to…"

"Don't lie," whispered the Kaiser, even as he carefully rolled up Ken's shirt, baring his chest. "You know you want it. You know you want me."

"I….I…." Ken bit back a gasp as the Kaiser nipped lightly at one of his nipples. The Kaiser glanced up at him through violet glasses and smiled wickedly, biting even harder. Ken's gasp degenerated into a soft moan.

"Don't resist me…" the Kaiser's voice was rough. "Just give in and let me take you… you know I will, whether you want me to or not…"

"I….Please," Ken panted and the Kaiser sucked on his other hardening nipple. "Don't do this…"

"I'll do as I please," the Kaiser replied. One of his hands snaked down to unzip Ken's pants. "Give in to the pleasure, my love."

Ken's eyes widened as the Kaiser's hand reached under the fabric of his boxers, stroking his suddenly hardened length. The Kaiser grinned wickedly as he moved the hand away and began to push himself into Ken, his own boxers sliding down to his knees as he did so and leaving him naked. He moved forward and planted a kiss on Ken's lips, his tongue diving down Ken's throat and choking off his victim's protests. Carefully the Kaiser pulled Ken's pants and underwear down about his knees and pressed himself even closer on top of him, his hands stroking Ken's hardened length. Beneath him, his victim seemed to droop as all resistance to the promised pleasure stopped.

This is all I'm good for, he thought tiredly. Let him have me, if he wants me. Everything is so much easier when he's in control.

"That's a dear," the Kaiser whispered, his voice nothing more than a low, predatory purr. "Sweet surrender is all I offer you now."

His hands stroked Ken's cock, slowly at first, then with increasing violence. Ken squirmed under his grasp, suddenly desperate for the touch, yet still resisting at the same time, torn between two sensations and two personalities. The Kaiser's body felt cold against him, like the touch of a corpse, yet it excited him and made him feel more alive, and so he permitted it. He could feel the Kaiser's own hardness throbbed next to his skin, deriving pleasure just from touching Ken.

Fire slowly built up inside Ken and his breathing grew short as the Kaiser's hand deftly caressed his swollen length. Just when he felt that he was about to burst, the soft touch stopped, and the Kaiser grasped Ken's cock tightly in his hand, causing a spasm of pain to rocket up Ken's spine.

"W-what are you-" Ken panted, sweat covering his brow and dripping into his eyes from his hair.

"Now, now, precious," the Kaiser murmured. "First, tell me you want me."

"I-I-oh God, just-"

,i>"No no. Say it."

"I want you," Ken gasped out. "Now please-"

"Tell me you love me," the Kaiser pressed, his hand tightening more over Ken's hardened length.

"Can't-can't you just let me-"

"Tell me you love me and I'll let you come," the Kaiser said. "And not until then."

"I love you," Ken panted. "I love you, I said it, I love you, now-"

"That's all I needed to hear." The Kaiser reached up his head to capture Ken's lips as his hand resumed its rhythm. Ken's body tensed under him and Ken moaned low into the Kaiser's mouth. The hand increased its soft stroking and at last the fire burned itself to a height. Ken's cry was swallowed by the sudden kiss as Ken came into the Kaiser's hand.

At last Ken lay back, his eyes closed, his whole body shaking lightly from the exertion. The Kaiser continued to kiss and caress his skin, not caring that Ken was unresponsive.

"That's all you required," the Kaiser said. "A little reminder of who your true master is."

"Yes," Ken said in a soft, flat voice. His eyes remained closed. As long as they were closed, he could pretend. Pretend that somebody cared, that somebody loved him. Because he knew that if he opened his eyes his phantom lover would be gone, and all he would see were his own hands touching his bare skin. He was torn as always between senses and emotions, between fearing the intimate touch and begging for it. Anything to tell him he was alive and loved, even the invisible kisses of his own secret enemy and lover.

And why not? Ken thought wearily. Only he cares about me. Only he would give a damn if I died tonight. He moved his head to the side some to allow the Kaiser better access to his throat. His whole body was tingling with a mixture of pain and pleasure, caught between submission and flight. Ken was constantly aware of the battle he lived everyday, of maintaining that fragile equilibrium between breaking down into tears, begging for help, and picking up the forgotten whip and dominating the world that had cast him aside. Yet somehow he remained in that center area between the black and the white, even though every fiber of his being knew that it would cause his death someday. But he was afraid to step into either area, afraid of being pulled back into the dark and snubbed by the light. And so he remained, a broken creature lying on a bed while his own mind rebelled against him.

"Ken-chan?" The voice made his eyes snap open, and in that moment the Kaiser was gone. Ken sat up slowly, both mourning and rejoicing at the loss of the touch. Carefully, his eyes pinned to the drab bed sheets, Ken wiped off his hand on a pile of Kleenex lying nearby and rearranged his clothes. Then his eyes scanned the floor until they alighted on Wormmon. His face twisted into a scowl.

"You again." Ken could feel anger welling up within him, its warm fire draining some of the numbness from his body. "Why can't you ever leave me alone?"

"W-what do you mean?" Wormmon looked confused, and it only angered Ken more.

"You know what I mean," he said. This was better. This was one phantom that might listen to him. "I don't want you here."

"But I haven't been here for a long time, Ken-chan. Didn't-didn't you miss me? I hoped that you would be happy to see me." The little creature looked miserable, and it made Ken feel annoyed.

"Why should I be happy?" he spat. "I don't need you here, telling me what I've done wrong. I don't want a conscience, don't you get that? When he's here I can feel better, just for a moment. Even though I know he's tearing my soul up from the inside, it still feels….it still lets me feel alive. And you keep trying to make me stop! I don't need your help, and I don't need anyone telling me I'm wrong! I already know that!" Ken could feel tears welling up in his eyes again and he violently rubbed them away. No. He wouldn't cry again. He wouldn't let himself feel guilty.

"I don't understand," Wormmon said, crawling a little closer. "I-I just want to help you, Ken-chan."

"No!" Ken got to his feet. "Don't help me. I know you're supposed to be my conscience, I know you're supposed to be right….but it doesn't matter. You're not real. He is. I can feel him when he touches me. My hand passed right through you. Nothing's real but him."

"But I am real," Wormmon said, confused. "What's happened to you, Ken-chan? Why are you so mad at me?"

"Just go away!" Ken closed his eyes, then slowly opened them again. To his chagrin, he saw that the Digimon was still sitting there, staring at him with those mournful blue eyes. "Please," he half-begged, "leave me alone. I don't want you here, looking at me with those eyes, trying to lull me in with that damn sad voice…"

"I can't leave you, not like this," Wormmon said. "I need to know what happened to you, Ken-chan. I want to help you."

"When will all of you realize that I'm too far gone to be helped?!" In a sudden burst of anger, Ken aimed a kick at Wormmon, knowing full well that it wouldn't do him any good.

His foot connected solidly with the Digimon, knocking him into the far wall. Wormmon groaned and tried to pull himself to his feet.

"K-Ken-chan?"

Ken stood in the middle of the room, trembling. His eyes were suddenly wild with a mixture of emotions. Panic finally overtook him and he turned and fled from the room, not even bothering to shut the door behind him.

Ken ran blindly down the hall, trying desperately not to think. He just needed to find somewhere where he could be alone and sort things out. Confusion, pain, and fear warred inside his head as he turned and darted down the steps. He was two steps from the bottom of the flight when he tripped and fell, hitting his head on the floor of the stairwell.

Ken lay there for a few moments, panting, spots dancing before his eyes. A trickle of blood dripped down from his head into his eyes. He tried to brush it away, but his arms wouldn't move. Everything felt heavy.

He didn't know how long he lay there, trying to catch his breath, before he finally lurched to his feet and scrambled the rest of the way down the steps, then ran out the door into the night air. He shivered as a cold wind brushed past him, but he couldn't go back up to his room for his coat. Ken stumbled through the apparently empty campus, his head pounding.

Finally he reached his destination. Behind one of the biology buildings was a small grove of peach blossom trees. The blossoms were thick enough that, once inside, a person could feel as if they were in their own separate world. With the weather growing colder the trees were becoming bare, but the small grove still felt isolated enough for Ken's purpose. He made his way to the center of the grove and collapsed on a bed of fallen leaves, curling up in a fetal position and clutching his aching head.

Flesh…he was flesh. Nothing like the way the Kaiser feels or the way he usually feels…it felt like he was real. Alive. The thought tore through his mind. How? Wormmon's always been almost insubstantial to me. Have I gone insane? Is that why I can touch my delusions as well as see them?

A whimper tore itself from Ken's throat as he tightened his grip on his pounding head.

He can't be real. He's never been that real to me. It-it doesn't make sense. He's just my conscience, and that's not real. It's a fantasy, just like everything else. The Kaiser offered me t6he touch and the pleasure, and even it was just barely real, just skirting the fringes of my own reality. But my conscience is real now too, what about everything else? What if it's all just one fevered dream and I'm locked in a mental hospital somewhere, bound to a bed and creating my own little world inside my head? Ken shut his eyes against the pain and the tears welling up. No, that's not right. I'm here. I'm real. Or are my delusions the real ones, and I'm just the figment?

Still locked in a state of panicked confusion, Ken finally drifted into a feverish sleep.

~~~

"One, two, three..." Daisuke sat alone at a table in a corner of the library. He was leaning back in his chair and counting the cracks on the ceiling. Anything to keep his mind off the task at hand.

What am I gonna say to him when he shows up? Daisuke wondered. Should I say anything? Maybe he doesn't remember. But what if he does? What do I do? Play dumb? A horrifying thought occurred to him. What if he wants to know if I liked it? What do I say? If I say no, maybe he'll forget about it, even if-

Even if that would be a lie.

Daisuke squirmed in his seat. He didn't want to think about that. Thinking about that made his head hurt.

If I'm lucky, he won't remember it. Then everything'll be okay, right? He can forget and I can forget and everything will be all right. He touched a hand to his lips. But...that's the first time I've ever had a kiss like that. I could feel his breath on mine, feel him inside of me....It was-it felt special. Daisuke shook his head. What the hell am I thinking? Ken's another boy, I can't-I couldn't-I don't feel that way about him. There's no way, it's insane, it.....but it just felt so good to be touched like that....

"Aargh!" With a muffled shout of exasperation, Daisuke's head dropped down onto the table. Things were becoming way too complicated for his taste.

"Daisuke." He glanced up. Ken stood beside the table, his expression tight. He looked like hell. His face was paler than usual, and there was a gash across his forehead. He wasn't wearing his coat and he appeared to be wearing the exact same clothes from the night before. There were grass stains on his jeans and a few small leaves in his hair, which looked as though it hadn't even been brushed.

"Oh, Ken." Daisuke sat up quickly. "I, uh, I got some books for us to begin our research in, and, uh, and...." His voice degenerated into a quiet mumble.

Ken nodded curtly and sat down across the table from him.

"Fine. I'll take these two books and look through them. You take those." His voice was cold and distant.

Daisuke eagerly grabbed a book and buried his face in it to hide his confusion and embarrassment.

Does this mean he doesn't remember? Or what if he does remember and he's just trying to see if I remember and if I don't remember he'll say something and then he'll get mad at me and... The thought trailed off as Daisuke peered over the book at Ken, who was reading and paying no attention to his companion whatsoever. Maybe he doesn't. He looks really bad. That's gotta be one hell of a hangover. Maybe if I don't say anything about the kiss he won't either. Unless I bring it up. Should I bring it up? If he's forgotten there's no reason to bring it up. Unless he wants me to bring it up. Or maybe he wants to forget it. He was really drunk last night, after all. The kiss was an accident. Or was it? If I remind him, will he get mad? Maybe he'll think I'm lying if I say something. Aw man, my brain hurts.

The two of them sat in silence for nearly an hour. Daisuke was constantly shifting in his seat and stealing glances at Ken over his book, but Ken sat still as stone the entire time, moving only to flip pages and, at one point, change books.

Daisuke was trying hard to concentrate on his first book when he caught a glimpse of his watch.

"Oh! Um...um, Ken?" he ventured hesitantly. When he got no reply, he repeated in a stronger tone, "Ken?"

Ken slowly lowered his book and looked at Daisuke with undisguised annoyance.

"What?"

"Well, um, I know I said we'd only have to meet this once, but, um, well, can we meet again some other time? 'Cause we haven't really discussed the project that much and I kinda have to leave..."

The look Ken gave him could have frozen fire solid.

"I'm sorry!" Daisuke burst out. "I didn't think it would take this long. I gotta meet some school therapist or something. I forget her name, but..." Daisuke trailed off weakly. Ken's frozen gaze had turned boiling hot in a matter of moments. Slowly, dangerously, he laid the book on the table and looked Daisuke full in the face.

"So..." he hissed. "It's that damn woman again, isn't it?"

"Huh?" Daisuke blinked. "What do you mean? I'm just goin' to see the therapist, I guess for some random checkup or something..."

"Don't play dumb!" Ken snapped. Then he smiled bitterly. "Ah, I forgot. You don't play dumb. Well, you'll see soon enough. I know what that damn woman wants with you. It's just like with the others. And you'll tell her all she wants to know, more even. I can tell by those damn honest eyes of hers. You'll betray me again, the way the others did. It's nothing less than I expected." He stood up to leave.

"Wait a sec!" Daisuke jumped to his feet. "What are you talking about, Ken? What's wrong?"

"You'll see soon enough," Ken said. Daisuke was suddenly and uncomfortably aware of how close they were too each other. He wanted to back up, but he was rooted to the spot.

"See....what?"

"You'll tell her everything, I'm sure of it," Ken continued. "All because you want to help me..." He moved forward slightly, his head bowing a little as if he were about to whisper into Daisuke's ears. His gaze rested briefly on the other boy's face, and in that moment. Images flashed through his mind.

...A cool night...his breath on my cheek...

...Lips meeting...tongues intertwined...

... Fevered passion, a touch of flesh on flesh...

..."Just one taste...."

"No!" Ken stumbled back. His head snapped up to look Daisuke in the eyes again. "I kissed you." It was almost an accusation.

"I--you--well--" Daisuke stammered.

"I did. I kissed you." Ken's hands fluttered up as if to touch his lips, but he stopped them halfway up and stood still. "Last night. I kissed you."

"I...."

"Answer me! I did, didn't I?"

"Well....yeah," Daisuke admitted. His eyes met Ken's and in a moment a strange transition overtook the other boy. Ken's wide violet eyes suddenly grew flat and hard as stone.

"So I did. I thought so. You're not a half bad kisser, even if you are a fool." Ken laughed bitterly and turned to go, as if he no longer cared what he had done. "Go spill your secrets to that damn woman if you wish. What harm can you do to me? Ignorant as you are. You haven't even figured out the game yet." With a derisive laugh, Ken strode out of the library.

Daisuke stood by himself, scratching his head at Ken's sudden and inexplicable shift in character, and wondering if things had just gotten worse.

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Another chapter down, another to write. I promise, this time I'll be quicker (assuming nothing goes wrong, which it might.)