Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ Secrets ❯ Chapter 10 ( Chapter 10 )

Chapter 10

Around and round... In the time left behind, I am now
Les miserables
I loved you too much and you are now on the other side of the wall
Laughing softly

My feelings will never reach you... I'll put them in a sigh

Bathed in the cold wind
Imagining these feelings night after night
The melody I hum softly
Is etched in time and disappears
I can't forget the sadness that will I can never go back
Even now I can't dye myself with these swaying emotions and my body
Is about to break...

--Gackt, "Mizerable"

Ken sat quietly in the living room trying to processes everything he had heard and telling that one same voice in his head that it wasn't a lie, that it wasn't a dream, but that it was true.

It is true.

Everything he had heard-everything. It was all true. And he had known nothing about it! He had not known, had not helped, had not comforted, had only used. It made him feel a thousand times worse. He wished for Takeru to be there so that he could have someone to lean on now that he was completely alone with his thoughts.

Long-Yin had left shortly after she had finished her story, but not before begging him to help her friend. Telling him that she was entrusting Daisuke in Ken's hand because she believed that he was good for Daisuke.

"Just by having this conversation with you, by watching you react and talk about Daisuke. I know that you are exactly what he needs."

He wasn't sure what to think of her words. Could he really do what she wanted? Was he capable of doing anything that related to Daisuke after the way their relationship had ended? Even if Daisuke had this horrible past, could he really forgive and forget and try to help out the only man he had ever really loved?

Who doesn't love you back…

But who saved your soul…

Who broke your heart…

And held you when you cried…

Who brought you so much pain and heartache…

He's only known pain and heartache…

"And then he said to me, 'What I feel doesn't matter.' I had no idea how to react to that Ken, but I know it's not good."

Ken closed his eyes, running his fingers through his hair. All these different thoughts were driving him crazy. He was having trouble thinking straight, understanding…deciding. He shook his head; Daisuke didn't care about him the way he thought he did. Daisuke had used him and that was unforgivable. Daisuke's betrayal was unforgivable.

Betrayal, pain, fear, suffering…all these had been so common in Daisuke's childhood and now he had caused Ken to feel the same way again. He didn't want to see him again; he hated Daisuke.... At least he wanted too. Then maybe he wouldn't hurt so much anymore, because there was no love left and he could move on with his life and completely forget.

But why did he feel like spoiled child? That some how this wasn't just Daisuke's fault, that this was also his fault. He was partly to blame some how. He wasn't the victim he thought he was.

***

Takeru sighed and opened the door to his apartment, he slipped off his shoes once he entered and closed his door then wandered deeper in. Sitting on the couch, staring blankly into space, was Ken, one of the sources of many headaches for the past few days. He hadn't seen the other source since that day and he was worrying himself into migraines.

But that wasn't the biggest reasons for his headaches, it was what was said on that day. After he had finally gotten out of his stupor and chased after Daisuke. It was what was said between them…

He had sat there for a few minutes, in tears, miserable and wallowing in self-pity and hatred for not being able to help his friends before he had stood up and chased after Daisuke. Not exactly sure why or what he intended to say but knowing that he had to get to Daisuke. And angry because Daisuke had easily given up, his anger giving him that extra rush to catch up to the redhead.

Why had he given up so easily? Why couldn't he just try!

He had caught up with Daisuke and held onto him, not letting him leave-demanding that the other man return, and not give up. At the same time remembering Ken's eyes. The pain so tangible that he could touch it. And he could, all he had to do was reach out and touch Ken. Then he could touch it, taste it, feel it.

Daisuke had argued back, screaming at him that he didn't understand. That Takeru had no right to say anything without knowing the full story.

"Then tell me the full fucking story!" Takeru growled back at him. "Make me understand what it is that's made you into such a fucking asshole to the one person that trusted you with the one thing more important, more precious, then his life!

Daisuke had looked at him with pain filled eyes, and Takeru now berated himself on being so insensitive and saying so many horrible things to his friend. But at that moment he had been so frustrated and angry, especially with himself, that he had not realized that his actions-his words-were not helping the situation but making it worse…much worse.

Daisuke had removed the pain from his eyes rather quickly, replacing it with intense anger, saying things to him that had shocked and hurt him.

"And so the truth finally comes out." His smile had been so cruel. Meant to hurt Takeru the way he had hurt Daisuke. "It's not about helping me and Ken. Just Ken. Only Ken. Your Ken."

Takeru had denied it. It wasn't true. It wasn't just for Ken. Never just for Ken. But Daisuke had not been listening and continued, looking quite proud of his little revelation.

"Are you so jealous," he had said. His lips twisted, forming a cruel smile, "that you aren't able to realize that I am not the only person that Ken trusts with his heart? You have as much right to be there for him as I do! Want him to feel loved so badly? You do it. Stop looking for me, who's failed! Take him. Make him yours. You said it yourself, you can teach someone to love you the way you love them. You can teach Ken to love you the way he loves me. It's your chance Takeru, don't lose it trying to be a chivalrous fool!"

Takeru knew that this wasn't just for Ken, that he truly wanted to help Daisuke as well. But he could not help but admit how nice it would be if Ken could just forget Daisuke. How nice it would be if Ken looked at him the way he did Daisuke.

He wouldn't hurt Ken; he had no reason too. He'd take care of Ken and make sure he always felt loved and was always happy. Just like he and Daisuke had promised. But could he really do this? Could he really claim Ken? Did he really want to claim him?

***

"Oh, Takeru okaeri," Ken said, blinking up at the blond. "I didn't even hear you come in."

"Yeah, you were kinda out of it." Takeru smiled warmly at his friend. "So how are you?"

There it was. That shadow. That same shadow that passed over Ken's face every time he thought about Daisuke. Takeru frowned. He knew exactly how worthless Ken was feeling and he wanted to do nothing more then to make Ken realize how wrong he was. Just how precious he really was. Takeru wanted so badly to let Ken know how special he really was.

"I'm okay." Ken's smile was lacking and that annoyed Takeru. He walked over to the couch his friend was situated on and slung an arm around his shoulders in a comforting manner.

"Bullshit," Takeru mummered. "You know better then to lie to me, Ken."

Ken sighed softly. He should have known better, but Takeru didn't really know the reason that he was so upset. That his problems had increased, that now the reasons he was so miserable were less shallow. They weren't just 'Daisuke dumped me' problems.

He wanted so badly to tell Takeru everything that he had been told, but he could not forget how uncomfortable Long-Yin had been about telling Ken, even if she knew that there was good reason. And Ken had to agree with her; it would have been better coming from Daisuke himself not from a complete stranger. And he applied the same to himself and Takeru, even if he weren't a complete stranger and even if Takeru and Daisuke's relationship wasn't as nonexistent as his relationship was now with the redhead.

This was something he would have to deal with, even if he knew that it would make it so much easier on him to tell Takeru. Takeru had always been the one he could come to talk to and get advice and help on how to deal with the problem. Daisuke had been able to do the same but not the same way as Takeru. Takeru helped him deal by facing his problems, comforting them and making it better. Daisuke would help by making him forget he even had a problem, pushing it down by making him focus on something else, something that made him happy. Only facing the problem when he truly had no other way of helping Ken escape it. Together both friends had helped him deal with so many things. But now he had neither to help him through this problem, through his pains and indecision.

"I know," Ken said looking up at Takeru. "I'm just trying to deal, it's not easy."

Takeru smiled warmly, trying to convey comfort and support through that smile even though the sight of his best friend so miserable, and knowing that somewhere else his other best friend was just the same, was tearing him apart. He raised his hand then gently moved silky raven strands behind Ken's ear, his fingers brushing Ken's soft skin, so that his friend couldn't hide his face with a veil of inky dark hair. Takeru couldn't help the soft breath that left his lips, Ken was so beautiful and somehow the misery on his face didn't mar the man's perfection. But Takeru knew how much more beautiful he was with that shy smile on his face. How he wished he could bring any kind of real smile to Ken's face.

"I just wish there was an easy way to make it stop hurting," Ken turned his head, two sets of blue eyes meeting. "It hurts incredibly."

"I know," was the only thing Takeru could reply with and it hurt him intensely that there wasn't anything else he could say to make Ken feel better, just like there wasn't anything he could say or do to make Daisuke feel better, get better, or at least want too. "I know."

He wanted to make Ken forget but he wasn't good at that. It wasn't his role in the relationship and he had angered and insulted the only person who truly knew how to make Ken forget.

It angered Takeru also that he couldn't help Ken forget, but it was an anger towards himself because he was so resigned to the part he played as Ken's friend. Why was he the one that had to make the man face his problems and watch as it destroyed him while Daisuke was the one that gave him the gift of forgetfulness?

He remembered what Daisuke had told him and he wondered if he could really do it. He was no longer thinking about claiming Ken but of just helping him forget the betrayal and loneliness. He had as much right to it as Daisuke. He could do it if he wanted to. And he so wanted to. But it seemed that the two ideas would always come together. Making Ken forget and claiming him as Takeru's. Some how he had begun to believe that by helping Ken erase the feel of Daisuke's touches, kisses, and caresses, he could help the man erase Daisuke's betrayal as well.

Could he really risk doing something that sounded so illogical even to himself-the very same person that had thought up that wacked-out theory?

Ken began to speak about something and Takeru tried very hard to listen to him but found it incredibly difficult. His mind would continue to wander no matter how hard he tired to concentrate on what his friend was saying, concentrating again and again on the prettily shaped mouth or the expressive blue eyes that would darken or lighten depending on his mood, sometimes even becoming violet when the emotion was powerful enough. This was combined with the words that he did catch, the words of a broken heart. Angry and confused, but most of all just hurt and looking for a way to end that pain and move on with his life.

And at that one moment Takeru realized just how much he loved Ken. Beautiful, sweet, shy Ken that would sit around for hours with him and talk about the most meaningless things, or talk of nothing at all. Who had been there for him when his mother and father had seen each other again after almost a year and began to say such crude things to each other that Takeru had felt like he would scream. But he didn't because Ken had been there with a warm smile and found a way to make the mind jarring arguments stop. He was the one that held him together with his quiet strength, who had really suggested Tuesday night bonding sessions with Daisuke, and who would sob on his shirt all night, trusting him so completely just like Takeru trusted him. And the fact that someone would trust him, someone who he had cursed as a child, someone who had just recently learned what complete trust could do to him, brought such a protective feeling to him…a protective love.

He loved Ken and he would do anything for him-but he had already known this. Now he knew exactly just what anything was. Breaking the roles, the rules and the friendship-as they all had done-and express that love that he hadn't known was there, or maybe he had known and had just ignored it. It didn't matter. He would do anything to make the man in front of him happy and himself happy as well.

"Ken…" He whispered softly. Ken stopped speaking and looked at Takeru, blue eyes-almost violet with intensity as if a strange light had been caught in them-stared questioningly at him. One hand raised stroking Ken's cheek with his knuckles and he just looked at him for a moment, not sure what he wanted to say, if there was anything that he could say that would sound right to his own ears.

Not that he had to say anything, Takeru could see the comprehension in Ken's eyes then the hesitation and the confusion. The longing that Takeru knew was strange to Ken when it had nothing to do with Daisuke. The thought of the other man annoyed Takeru but he kept his features in check, it wouldn't do well to upset Ken any further, so he put all his efforts in conveying what he really wanted Ken to know.

Minutes passed like this and Takeru waited, knowing that there was nothing more that he could do but wait. He wouldn't do anything else but wait.

His eyes closed, long black lash resting on soft cheeks, and his head tilted slightly pressing deeper into the hand that cupped his cheek. Takeru bowed his head, slowly moving forward and tentatively brushing his lips across Ken, testing for a negative reaction. Then pressing his lips against the other's, reveling in the softness and enjoying the intimacy. He felt Ken's hands wrap around him, a hold desperate and tight. The protective feeling flooding Takeru's senses, making him hold Ken tighter, conveying love and comfort and all those things that he could never say but wanted Ken to know.

They continued to kiss, their kisses and touches becoming more intimate. Their movements somewhat desperate, clinging to each other as if they were afraid the other would leave. A fear that they knew was true and wanted so badly to change. To forget the world, to forget the pain, to only think of the warmth the other body was giving off. And they did for those few moments in each other's arms, forgetting the hardships of life with the ecstasy of being so intimately close.

TBC

I forgot to post these chapters on MM.org. I feel so very bad about that too since they've been on FF.net forever. What's my punishment for such a blunder? The italics will never work right, that's what. I hope the chapter's not too confusing because of that.