Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ A Twisted Saiyan Tale ❯ Do you remember the site called Pork 'n Senzu beans.... ( Chapter 8 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

A Twisted Saiya-jin Tale: chapter the eighth

By: %*&$!

(Yeah, I am running out of things to call myself. Why do you ask?)

Disclaimer: Akira Toriyama, creator, owner, author, etc. of DBZ, not me. Blah, blah, blah. In addition I saw a story on Fanfiction.net called "Use only as directed" recently and I was stunned that there are other people out there with the same potty humor as me. I did NOT rip this story off. My fanfiction was written last year for a contest on the Insaiyan site, but I never entered it since the original concept came from "Passion's Price" and "Seduced by the Devil" by the author/webmistress Vegeta Goddess. The fact that "Use Only as Directed" is similar to mine is purely coincidental.

Warning: Out of Character, Bathroom Humor, Naughty Language, Lime Flavored.

In the previous chapter a cure for Elderly Trunks "little" problem is found after Vegeta discovers there really is such a thing as a fate worse than death.

As the two Bulmas giggled over the pot they were stirring in the kitchen

Vegeta and Goku sparred in the front yard. Vegeta also had the girl brats show

what they could do. He wanted to see if they were as every bit as strong as they

were smart. He had them do a drill of martial arts exercises for half an hour. Then

after a few practice rounds against each other he had them square off one-on-one

with him and their father. They were practicing their snap kicks when the Bulmas

came out.

"We're finished! It just had to cool off a bit so Trunks-kun can eat it.",

announced this dimensions Bulma.

"I put it in a large Tupperware bowl in the ship. He can eat it any time.",

added Vegeta's Bulma.

Vegeta went over to where Trunks had settled beneath a tree to do some

serious staring off into space. "Boy, get up. Your mama has made something

special for you to eat."

"I'm really not that hungry right now. Though I could use a drink. I feel a

bit parched." Then the ancient Trunks jerked back into the here and now and

scratched his head with his six inch long talon-like black fingernails. "Mama?

Mama you say!? Mama got et up by a green Aisu-jin! How can she be here? Is this

heaven?"

"Feh, Boy! I can't wait till you're cured. Woman, first thing you do to him

after he's fixed is a bath, a trim, a shave, and a clip! He has worse hygiene than

Kakarotto!"

The other Bulma gave him a dirty look at this and the baka in question

said, "Hey!", in a hurt tone. Vegeta ignored them both.

"Pack up what you need we are leaving for home, Woman."

"Just a minute! I need to give 'her' my counterpart a copy of the vaccine

notes. 'Her' Goku went to Yardrat, too.", she ran into the ship and came back a

few minutes later with a CD in her hand. "This will tell you how to manufacture

the vaccine, but not how you're going to give it to Son-kun. That is, if he hates

needles."

Goku shuddered in distaste while the other Bulma thanked her counterpart.

Vegeta and his Bulma were ready to leave. So they collected their son and boarded

their ship and took off. Within minutes they headed up into the sky and when they

reached an appropriate altitude Bulma engaged the time drive. POW! They were

in non-space and non-time. They traveled along through the swirling primordial

acid trip between dimensions while Bulma monitored the control panel. When

some system or other began beeping a warning she began pushing buttons. Then

with a Bam! they entered yet another dimension. It was twilight. They peered

through a portal. It was an empty looking world. It wasn't Namek, but it didn't

look like Bulma's Earth, either. Wanting to get a better look at things in the fading

light they opened the hatch and went down the ramp to look around. It looked like

Vegeta's world. More or less. Just then a large, ugly Jiminy Cricket-like being

dropped out of the sky in front of them. Only this one wasn't twirling a brolly and

getting ready to sing a duet with Pinocchio and the Blue Fairy.

"Vegeta, you came back again. Fool! I don't know how you survived being

absorbed. And I don't care, either. But this time I will get your space ship. You

won't trick me again."

"Feh, you overgrown bug. I don't care what you are or who you are. All

you are is some kind of perversion Freiza got up to on Namek with Piccolo, and

nothing more. I'm gonna settle this once and for all."

"Fool. I am Perfect Cell. I am the creation of Dr. Gero. I am the peak

achievement of his mechanical and genetic engineering genius. No one can stand

against me in my perfect form. For I am PERFECT!"

"Think a lot of yourself, do ya bug boy? Get ready to throw down your best

move!", and with this Vegeta attacked and the fight was on! Ki blasts filled the air

with a light show that would put any Fourth of July fireworks show to shame.

Meanwhile Bulma had run back up the ramp of the time ship to her elderly 'son'.

"Trunks! Trunks! Come here, baby! Daddy and Mummy need you!"

She pulled the enormous bowl of youth restoring chili out of the

refrigerator. And plunked it onto the table and began rummaging around in a

drawer for a spoon.

"Mama? Mama? Is that you? I thought you were dead. Is this heaven? It

sure don't look nothin' like what you said Son-kun told you it looked like. Where's

King Kai?", Trunks said as he looked around himself.

"Son, mama will explain everything later, but now she needs you to eat this

nice, tasty chili so you can help papa kill the nasty, green pervert outside."

"I'm not really hungry right now. Can't I eat it after my nap?"

She grabbed her elderly son by the shoulders and screamed, "NO! EAT IT

NOW, DAMMIT!!! BEFORE WE END UP GETTING SUCKED UP BY THAT

GREEN MONSTER!!!", she paused a moment and added, "AGAIN!!!"

"Green monster? Where? Who? Huh?", the ancient one babbled in alarmed

confusion.

"EAT. CHILI. NOWWWWWWWW!", the irate genius howled loud enough

to rattle the ships portholes.

And with that she shoved Trunks into the chair in front of the table, slammed

down the utensils in front of him, and he began baling chili over his beard into

where a mouth was presumably located. He slurped up the spicy mess as fast as he

could until the bowl was down to nearly the bottom. He pushed back the chair and

stood up. Bulma stared at him in breathless shock.

"The Senzu beans of her world healed instantly. Shouldn't these kind of Senzu

beans be the same? Did cooking them destroy their ability to restore youth? Why

wasn't anything happening? Did he eat enough or did he eat too much? Should I

have served it with a side of cornbread?", ran through her head.

While he stood there swaying slightly. Something happened?! Yes, something

was happening. His hair looked less white and more purple. Bulma heard a

rumbling sound. It was coming from his stomach. He belched UUURRRP!!! He

looked a bit more alert.

"Oh, ewww, yuck! Was that really necessary?", she asked in disgust.

Trunks wasn't listening. Abruptly he turned around and ran staggering for the

door. He missed the opening and crashed into the doorway. Hard. FLANNG!!

The whole ship reverberated with noise. He staggered through and down the ramp

and collapsed at the bottom. BRAAP!!! A bilious green cloud rose up from him

and suddenly his hair and beard that had dragged the ground was shorter by a foot!

He climbed to his feet. He looked at least thirty years younger than his previous

age of one-hundred and sixty plus!

"Father, don't worry! I'll save you! He won't eat you and mum. I promise.", the

slightly less ancient Trunks said. And shakily he rose up into the air to the

combatants. Vegeta and Cell weren't listening, however, they were to busy beating

the $#!% out of each other. Just then Trunks cut loose again. BWAAAT!!! The

tremendous blast propelled him upwards through the air a good fifty feet and

backwards in time a good fifty years! Now his beard was almost gone and his hair

was nearly entirely lilac. He steadied himself in the air. Pulled out his sword and

zoomed over to his father and Cell.

"Cell, you got away from me once, but now you'll get what you've got coming

to you and I don't mean my father's ki, either!", the now fully alert and nearly battle

ready Trunks shouted. He began battering Cell upside the head with his rusty

sword. Vegeta marveled at the improvement in his son. PBBBT!!! Suddenly it

looked as if Cell was starting to feel Trunks' sword swats.

"Nandekuso! He actually seems to know what day of the week it is! Maybe we

have a chance of beating this @$$hole!", Vegeta thought. Cell proved to be far

tougher than he thought and he was beginning to worry. Just then Trunks let out a

FUUURP!!! and was sent tumbling forwards past Cell who was caught in the

backwash of the Super Saiya-jin fart. He gasped and choked for oxygen in the

enveloping, smelly green cloud. Trunks put on the brakes and righted himself. He

was now middle aged and didn't look that much older than Vegeta!

"Son! You are brilliant. Hit him again with that uh, um, unique Big Bang

Attack of yours.", Vegeta exclaimed happily when he saw the fart's detrimental

effect on Cell.

Trunks nodded and they both put their hands over their noses as he turned and

aimed at his Perfect-ness. FFFWWEEET!!! Trunks somersaulted forwards a

good twenty feet! Cell was weakening! And better and better Trunks was a

teenager and sizzling with youthful ki!

"One more barrage should finish him, brat! Give him a Gallic Gun Attack,

now!", cried the flatulent one's father joyously.

FOOM! FOOM! FOOOOOM!!! Trunks cart-wheeled into Cell with one last

mighty blast. And with that Cell turned an even more peculiar shade of green than

he was usually and dropped out of the sky. By this time Trunks' clothing was

beginning to droop on him. He was not the teenager of the future that would make

teenage girls (and boys) scream. He was more like the eleven year old mischievous

brat.

"Hey, Pop, I think I'm almost out of ammo! I think you'd better finish him off,

now!", Trunks said as he began to lose altitude. Vegeta swooped down to where

Perfect Cell was on all fours and retching up his internal organs.

Vegeta stretched his hands out in front of him and powered up for a ki blast.

"So long Mr. Wonderful."

"That's PERFECT!", shrieked Cell who wobbled to his feet.

"Whatever." Baaaaaaaang!!! Cell was sent flying head over heals.

Trunks flew down to his Father. "You have to destroy him completely. If even

a single cell survives he comes back the same as before!"

"Fine. Just stun him with a couple more blasts and I won't even leave a memory

of that ugly freak."

Trunks flew over to Cell and landed right behind his shoulders. Cell looked

startled. "Wha-- What? What are you doing?"

"This!", came Trunks' answer and he wrapped one arm around Cell's neck in a

head lock. He put his other hand up to cover his face. With a look of strained

concentration ….. came… came…THE LAST FART!!!

Boooooom!!!

It was a tremendous blast. Vegeta was knocked back several yards from the

percussion. The fog roiled over Trunks and Cell. Time seemed to stand still. The

fog cleared and Cell was twitching with convulsions. Trunks wasn't visible. His

clothes were in a pile next to the old sword behind Cell. Vegeta ran over to them.

The pile was squirming. He reached down and ripped the clothes apart. There sat

Trunks, but he had regressed down to the age of a toddler. Vegeta picked up his

brat and the sword. He took to the air and looked down at Cell who was busy

upchucking every being he ever absorbed. When he was through choking and

gasping he fell over Splat! spread eagle onto his face. Surrounding him were the

twitching blobs of the absorbed. Vegeta powered up as far as he could go.

"FINAL FLASH!" and cell was no more. The upchuck survivors were

scattered around the crater and looked a little charred. Vegeta soared up into the

sky and looked around. When he spotted the ship he raced back to it.

Bulma came out shrieking, "Oh my Kami-sama! What did you do? What

happened? Who is that? Is that our son? You both could have been killed! Is that

thing really destroyed?"

"The brat and I finished it off. And, "Yes!", he is Trunks. Who else could he be,

Silly Woman?", Vegeta said as he handed the brat to his 'mom'. "We were in no

danger, thanks to that Senzu Chili!"

"Korin miscalculated the dosage. If he had finished the bowl the chili would

have finished him permanently."

Just then they heard something outside the ship. It sounded like people talking,

or rather, arguing. "Dude, I swear, it was Vegeta that finished off that Cell guy."

"Don't call me Dude, Cueball. And how can I have beaten Cell when I was busy

taking a guided tour of his lower intestinal track?"

"But, Vegeta, I saw 'you' and this kid that looked like Bulma's son fly away

from the crater when we were vomited out."

"I keep telling you, Baka, that Bulma's kid is my kid. He can't have flown off

as he is only an infant and further more, his mother is standing over there holding

him."

"You aren't married, so how can you have a son, Vegeta? The stork must have

brought that baby to Bulma by mistake. So she had to adopt it. Chichi explained it

to me and Gohan when we asked where babies come from."

"Kakarotto, we had sex. Like you and that harpy of yours. That is how we had

a child."

"Babies come from you-know-what? But how can you have you-know-what?

You aren't married. You have to get married to have you-know-what!"

"Bah, Baka! She was having sex with that weakling, and she wasn't married.

What makes you think she wouldn't have sex with me, too?"

"Bulma did you-know-what with Yamucha? Bulma isn't a you-know-who?"

At that there was a snort of laughter from a fourth person who said, "A virgin!

Yeah, right!". Which was followed by a "Yowch! That hurt, Babe!".

Which was followed by a female voice saying, "GOOD!"

"Dudes, why don't we just knock on the portal door already and ask them who

they are and what's going on.", the first voice interrupted. A banging sound could

then be heard outside.

Vegeta and Bulma opened the door and walked out of the ship each holding

one of Trunks' hands. They looked down at the slime covered delegation. Each

party looked the other up and down.

"Feh.", was Vegeta's only comment.

"Feh.", was the other Vegeta's reply.

Bulma looked down at this dimension's Z-senshi and put her hands on her hips.

"Time travelers. Another dimension. Alternate universe. Same people, different

choices. Passing through. Killed green creep. Have a nice life. Bye." She was really

sick of telling the same story. And hearing it. They turned around and re-entered

the ship. The portal slammed shut. It roared off into the sky. It rose until it was

tiny. There was a silver flash off it's metallic hull and it was gone.

"Bah!", this dimension's Vegeta said. "Good riddance."

*********

Looking out the portal at the rapidly shrinking group of people Vegeta said,

"Bah, good riddance."

They were swirling around in non-time and decided to return to Primitive Earth

once more for a vacation and to recharge the Warthian Crystals and re-calibrate

the ships systems and tweak the navigation software. Bulma also wanted to take

some samples of the flora and fauna to study in her home dimension. Some of the

creatures in this world had gone extinct in her own. They plunked down nearly

right on top of their old camp site.

"So, what next?", Bulma asked when they landed.

"Bathe the brat, first. Jump to my dimension, next. One year after our last visit.

By then they will have had my little spawn of evil all to themselves long enough to

wish they had a nice long vacation from him. We'll offer Cyborg Bulma a few

youth restoring Senzu. She's twice Tin Can's age and looks it. I wouldn't be

surprised if he hasn't noticed it by now as well. After that we return to your

Namek, kill any Aisu-jin we find, and then go home."

"What if she still wants to keep him? I can't see any 'Bulma' wanting to lose her

little boy forever. Even an evil robot one."

"Then I'll just steal him. I'm evil. I take what I want."

"Hmm, I can't see my self stealing anyone's child. It would be too cruel."

"Well I can be cruel and evil!"

"Behave yourself, Bad Man."

Bulma took their now three-year-old son to the bathroom and began running

the water. When it was full she plunked Trunks into it and began scrubbing away

over a century and half of accumulated grime. After an hour he was clean. She

parked him on the washstand in front of the mirror. She pointed to his image and

said, "Who's that Trunks?" and the little boy giggled.

"You're going to have a brother just like him!"

The little boy put his hands over his eyes and said, "Peek-a-boo!"

Trunks looked a great deal better. Hmm, his hair was still a mess. When she

was done degreasing and unsnarling it she pulled out a pair of scissors from the

drawer under the sink. She chopped and chopped until his hair was short enough

to make his ears stick out. She was finally satisfied he could pass a white glove test

so she carried him out in a bath towel to find him some clothes to wear. She pulled

one of her many Capsule Corp. logo T-shirts over his head for a nightshirt and put

him to bed. She strolled out to the main room. Vegeta patted the couch

suggestively. She sat down next to him.

"Soooo, what shall we do this evening? It has been a while since we had a

chance to have some fun.", Vegeta said as he nibbled on Bulma's neck.

"Oh, I don't know. How about what we were doing when we were interrupted

on 'future us' world."

Soon they were naked and happily entwined on the couch when a voice said,

"Can I have a glass of water?"

"Yoiks!", cried Bulma as she and Vegeta pulled apart. Trunks was staring at

them. She grabbed a couch cushion and held it in front of her. Vegeta had simply

dived behind the couch. She said nervously, "Sweetie, I thought you were asleep.

What are you doing out of bed?"

"I said I want some water. I'm thirsty."

"Er, sure, just a minute. Go back to your room and we'll bring it to you."

He left and they scrambled to put their clothes back on. "The brat would

interrupt when things started to heat up!", Vegeta snarled.

Bulma got a glass with some ice and filled it with water. "Darling, I have your

water.", she said. She went into his small closet-like room. She watched him drain

the glass. Then she tucked him back into his bunk, turned out the lights, and shut

the door behind her.

"Where were we?", she asked. Vegeta showed her the exact location of where

they were when they were interrupted. Just when things were beginning to reheat

they heard a voice say, "The water made me need to go potty." This interruption

was so startling it made Vegeta spring up fast enough to make the couch topple

over backwards. WHOMP!

"Masaka! Brat, do your business and GET INTO BED!", he yelled. Bulma

pulled on Vegeta's muscle shirt and came from behind the wrecked couch. She led

her new son into the bathroom. A few minutes later Vegeta could hear the toilet

flush and then the sink running. When they came out Bulma picked up Trunks and

carried him into his room yet again. She came out again and said, "Well, do you

want try again?". Vegeta wanted.

They were happily engaged in "fetching the barbecue sauce" on what was left

of the sofa's cushions when a voice said, "I'm not sleepy. Tell me a story." They

jumped about four feet apart and dove for cover.

"AAAAAAAARGH!!! Go to your room, get into bed, and don't get up again unless you want to DIE!", Vegeta yelled as he yanked his clothes back on.

Bulma said from her hiding spot under the coffee table, "Oh, Vegeta, just take

him to his room and tell him a $&*# story, already."

"Fine.", Vegeta said tersely. He led his chibi back into his bedroom for what he

hoped was the last time tonight.

"Yay, papa!"

Bulma crawled out of hiding and put on her clothes. She crept up to the

bedroom doorway to hear the story Vegeta was telling her son.

"Brat, listen up. Just one story and that's it! NO MORE!"

"Okay, papa."

"Right.", Vegeta said as he tucked his son as firmly in as he could. He surveyed

his work. "Little brat won't get out of that in a hurry.", he thought. He sat down

and cleared his throat.

"Onceuponatimetherewasalittlebratprincewhowouldn'tgotobedontimeHe kept botheringhismamaandpapatheQueenandPrin--er, KING! endlesslyandpissedthemoffroyallysotheylockedhimintothecastledungeonandhehad tosittheretillhelearnednottobesonosywhich wasaverylongtimetheendgotosleep."

"Vegeta, you can't tell a child that!", Bulma pushed the door open and said.

"Papa that's not a real story!", complained the child.

"FINE. Once upon a time there were three hulking Saiya-jin. The first Saiya-jin

was a Baka and built his space pod out of tin foil. The second Saiya-jin was a nut

case and built his space pod out of bobby pins and chewing gum. The third Saiya-

jin was a stud and a genius and built his out of an engineered titanium alloy. One

day a big bad Aisu-jin came along and stomped the tin foil ship flat and the dumb

Saiya-jin barely had time to escape. The Baka flew and flew until he came to the

second Saiya-jin's ship. They hid inside and along came the big bad Aisu-jin. He

huffed and puffed and 'Daichiretsuzan'. The space pod built of hair pins and goo

was sliced in half. The two Saiya-jin flew as fast as they could to the third's space

pod that worked. "Please take us away with you!", they cried. "Feh!", said the

third Saiya-jin. "I don't run away from anyone." With that he powered up to Super

Saiya-jin Level FOUR and blew the evil Aisu-jin to HFIL. The Baka and the Boob

turned to him and said, "Yaay!!!". He became the king of the whole land and

married a beautiful queen and they had a son who DIDN'T interrupt them during

sex. EVER!"

Bulma squawked at Vegeta's ending but he ignored her and said, "Now go to

sleep!"

The little boy stared at him with round eyes. "Um, 'kay!"

They put him to bed one last time and locked the door after they shut it. With

that they went to their own room and locked the door behind themselves. Finally

they were able to go back to what they were doing. All night long.

And so ends chapter the eighth. Read chapter nine for the stunning and bold conclusion of A Twisted Saiya-jin Tale. All right, not stunning, but at least let me have bold. And maybe not the end, either.