Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Crossing the Boundaries ❯ Truth and Consequence ( Chapter 17 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

He hesitated there for a long moment, perhaps waiting for my reaction to all that he had said. It didn't seem as though he expected my forgiveness, yet I knew that he was waiting for me to say something. But what could I tell him? We'd both been to blame for what had happened as difficult as it was for me to admit. He'd shut me out, and I'd run away from the problem. It was something that neither of us had been prepared to handle, and now that we'd come to our senses, it was too late.

My heartbeat raced within my chest, and I felt dizzy from the torrent of thoughts and feelings spinning through my head. He was turning away, moving towards the door, and I wanted to stop him. I wanted to call his name, look into his eyes, and say something wise and profound that would erase the tormented shadow from his face, but there were no such words to be said. All I could do was sit and watch him leave.

The somber gray light of predawn trickled through the broken window accompanied by an occasional gust of cold damp air, but I was oblivious to the chill in the room. After so many months of rage and doubt and pain the feeling of nothingness that enveloped me seemed oddly misplaced. The regret remained gnawing in the pit of my stomach, but my heart and mind failed to register any particular emotion just then.

The faint twitter of birds sounded in the trees reminding me of the early hour. Muffled voices and other indefinable noises rattled beyond the dark wood that kept me separated from the rest of the world. My thoughts grew hazy, dulled by the physical and mental exhaustion of the night's events.

Leaning back against the headboard of the bed I sighed and watched the first feeble rays of morning paint gold across the wall. Tiny flecks of dust drifted in that pale glow; I watched them swirling listlessly over and around one another until I could no longer force myself to stay awake.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Several weeks passed, and I eventually recovered enough to get out of bed. Everything had changed, taken on a strange surreal quality. Goku's attitude towards me reverted to its normal kindness, though he was slightly more protective, and Goten shied away once more, always friendly but never going out of his way to make conversation.

Gohan, on the other hand, spent long hours talking to me about life and books, and every once in a while, he would tell me a story about Videl or Pan. At those times, his voice would tremble just a bit, and his expression would become distant. It was hard to sit and watch him hurting, but I knew that he needed to remember and acknowledge that void in his life. After all that he had done for me, I couldn't deny him that.

Also, he'd become the foremost barricade between myself and Vegeta, going out of his way to remain present when there was any chance of contact between us. The Saiya-jin prince made no secret of his feelings towards me, and though he refused to speak directly to me, he did not refrain from making callous statements about the situation in my presence. Sometimes the remarks made me want to scream, and other times I would run to my room and cry. The latter occasions would most often be followed by a chorus of raised voices and a visit from either Goku or Gohan.

I didn't want to let him hurt me that way, but there was little I could do to stop those harsh remarks from reminding me of my mistakes. My sole line of defense involved strategic methods of avoidance because I knew full well that the only thing keeping me from the business end of a ki blast was Trunks' presence in the house. Vegeta may have despised me, but his love for his son managed to keep his temper in check.

My relationship with my mate remained tense. We shared brief conversations riddled with uncomfortable periods of silence, though once or twice I caught him almost smile at something I'd said. Neither of us knew how to proceed under the circumstances. Though we were still bonded, he continued to shut me out, and by this time, I had learned to more or less do the same. Regardless, it could be almost painful to be close to him at times. I couldn't imagine going through the rest of my life this way.

One night, many months after it had all begun, I stood out on the front porch of my home letting my gaze sweep the winter-bare land. Tree stumps and scorched furrows of ground littered the property, and the house, which had been haphazardly patched up before the weather had grown too cold, looked forlorn amidst its backdrop of skeletal trees. There was nothing left unchanged by the visitors' stay here. Everything in this place was a constant reminder of what my life had become.

Not long after my recovery I'd taken a job at a small office building. Gohan had been working as an independent tutor for some time, but the money just didn't go far enough. Even with Goten and Trunks pitching in whenever they picked up odd jobs, it became difficult to pay the bills and put food on the table. I didn't mind working though. It kept my mind occupied and allowed me additional time away from Vegeta. Life wasn't great, but it grew a little more tolerable each day.

This particular night though I was feeling restless and uneasy. Looking over the desolate landscape did nothing to remedy my sullen mood, but there was nothing to capture my interest. The patience to sit and write eluded me, and Gohan had taken the car to meet a student and hadn't yet returned. Vegeta, thankfully, had holed himself up in his room which he usually did when he was at the house, and the others were discussing their memories of battle over pizza at the kitchen table. Needless to say, I had nothing to add to the conversation.

The bitter wind stirred the barren branches of the trees making a hollow whistling noise that echoed in the cold stillness. The sky was a blanket of deep midnight blue unmarred by clouds and glittering with an endless array of stars, and just above the tree line hung the full moon, milk white and radiant in the darkness. I shivered slightly pulling my jacket closer around me and staring longingly at that celestial orb, but even the moon could bring me no peace tonight.

" Are you alright? "

I drew a sharp breath at the sound of his voice; my lungs burning with the intake of frigid air. Slowly I turned from the railing to see him standing in the doorway. The living room light cast a warm aura around him and wove golden highlights into his dark hair. He wore only a thin black tee shirt and denim jeans, yet he seemed entirely unaffected by the low temperatures. I met his gaze for the briefest moment careful to look away before I became lost there.

" No, " I replied. The word fell from my lips before I could stop it, and I hastened to correct my mistake, " I mean yes. I'm fine. "

" Are you sure about that? " There was a hint of nervous humor hidden in the question, but I could feel his eyes searching my face for the truth. I'd never really been a convincing liar.

That, of course, didn't stop me from trying. " Definitely. " Forcing a smile to my lips, I averted my gaze to sky once more. Gods, I wanted him to go back inside the house. He stood no more than two feet away, and I could practically feel the heat radiating from his body. It was one of those times when being near him proved to be more than I could stand.

The sound of the door closing caught my attention, but to my dismay I quickly realized that he'd stepped outside. I pressed my back against the porch railing trying to put as much distance between us as possible. He obviously didn't realize the adverse affect he was having...or maybe he did.

" You've been out here in this cold for an awfully long time. Are you sure that nothing is bothering you? "

Glancing uneasily in his direction I replied, " I-I'm just tired tonight. "

He nodded, but the expression on his face suggested that he knew better. A familiar emptiness stirred in me then, fueling the unrest further. I shuddered wrapping my arms more tightly to myself. It was not the cold that I sought to keep out, but rather this growing need that I wanted to contain.

" You're shivering. "

With a shrug I fixed my stare on some distant and invisible point beyond the driveway, " I'll come in soon. I was planning on starting that book Gohan leant me anyhow. "

It wasn't that I wanted to reject his attempt at conversation, at any other time I would have jumped at the chance, but being alone with this man, being so close to him on that stark winter's night...it made my body ache with remembrance. My feelings for the young prince hadn't dissipated with the passing of time; if anything, they'd grown desperately stronger. Infatuation had blossomed into love, but it only made my life more complicated. It terrified me to think that he might somehow figure out how I felt and become withdrawn once more.

Dim lights cut the through the darkness of the front yard as the hum of an engine eased the silence that had fallen over us. A moment later, the small black car swung into its parking space and fell quiet. It was Gohan who stepped from the vehicle; his arms piled high with shopping bags as he made his way to the porch.

At the bottom of the steps he paused passing a curious glance between Trunks and I. " I stopped and picked up a few things at the store, " he said then continued to ascend the remaining steps.

I recognized the expression on his face. It was an almost paternal mixture of concern and inquisitiveness. The same look often crossed his face when he'd noticed that my mood was off and he suspected that Vegeta was responsible. It usually came with an offer to talk about whatever had happened and a cup of cocoa. I strongly suspected that Pan Son was an avid fan of cocoa.

I smiled reassuringly not wanting to worry him. Gohan had really been essential to my recovery, and I didn't know if I'd have made it through everything without his support. Still, I hadn't spoken to him any further about my feelings for Trunks, so I wasn't sure whether or not he knew how I continued to yearn for that elusive relationship.

" Did you happen to pick up any milk? I do believe your brother finished off the gallon I got yesterday. "

Gohan chuckled a bit and rolled his eyes, " I figured as much. We're going to have to start hiding food from him just to make it week to week. "

He paused in the doorway and threw a final lingering glance in my direction to which I responded with a inconspicuous nod. If I hadn't he'd have stayed on the porch, holding onto the bags, until he was certain that my mate and I weren't having any problems. It was endearing, but I knew that I'd come to a point where even Gohan could no longer help me.

As soon as the front door closed securely behind Gohan, Trunks looked down at me, " Do you want me to go? " There was no malice in the question, no expectations, but there was an odd lilt in his voice as he asked. Uncertainty? Boredom? Something deeper...?

" I...of course not. " Intelligent thought failed me as I fought not to read too deeply into the question. It would be so easy for my enamored heart to find emotions where none were meant to be...to look into those perfect eyes and see the mirror of a need that didn't truly exist.

" Are you sure? "

My reply came in the faintest whisper for I feared that anything more might shatter this moment, " I've never been more sure of anything. "

Immediately my stomach turned with the sudden recollection of the last time I had made my intentions known in such a manner. Why did I become so weak in his presence? Did I have a subconscious desire to humiliate myself on a regular basis? A lump rose in my throat as I considered the possibility of him rejecting me again. Harsh, cruel words that would crush what remained of my still fragile psyche.

I would never know how my mate would have reacted since we were interrupted yet again by the not so subtle intrusion of a certain overly temperamental Saiya-jin. Cold fire burned in those black eyes as he glared first at me and then his son. Not a word crossed his lips, which were drawn tightly together in a disapproving frown, as he strode onto the porch allowing the screen door to slam shut behind him. The force of it rattled the windows and sent a chill racing along my spine.

No one spoke, though I'm certain the prince was fully amused by my obvious discomfort. There were several occasion when he'd caught me alone then proceeded to merely stand and glare at me until I scurried from the room like a frightened animal. Once, after a particularly bad day, I'd started to tell him off, but my effort quickly crumbled when his ki energy flared. It was a warning...a warning that would dissuade me from attempting anything that foolish again.

" Good evening, Father, " Trunks said when the silence became too much to stand. The greeting was far from cordial; the three words falling just short of spiteful. Trunks had made it clear several times that he didn't approve of his father's behavior regarding the events that had taken place, and he always took a protective stance in the rare instances that brought us all together.

Vegeta offered a curt nod in return before his gaze shifted back to me, " Why you insist on continuing with this pathetic charade, I will never know. "

" What do you... "

My question was cut off sharply, " If the two of you can't figure it out, I'm sure as hell not going to point it out. "

" Then why bother ? " Trunks piqued. " If you don't intend to help, then stay out of it. "

" You best mind your tone, boy. I've been very tolerant of your insolence through all of this, but my patience is growing thin. I'll say nothing more other than you'd better come to terms with this situation of yours. Pretending that it doesn't exist will simply cause more suffering in the end, so just face the truth and accept it. "

Trunks began to demand further answers, furious that his father would give such cryptic advice, but Vegeta had no intention of cooperating. Ignoring the questions, he strode across the porch pausing for one final parting comment, " You got yourself into this mess, Trunks. Remember that. "

I stared after the prince as he vanished into the night. Would it ever end? I could feel tears stinging my eyes, and I fought to hold them back. Everything had been going so well. Why did Vegeta have to come along and ruin it all? Oh how I hated him in that moment. I tasted the bitterness of the feeling, felt it running like ice through my veins, but it was a useless hatred...the mere culmination of my frustration and emotional distress. I despised him because he'd come to symbolize all of my greatest fears and failures.

Despite my efforts, one renegade tear and then another slipped defiantly along my cheek. I almost moved to swipe them away but feared that such an action would only bring attention to their existence. I was vulnerable enough in Trunks' presence; I didn't want him to see the effect that his father's words had on me.

" He can be quite difficult at times. You have to learn to ignore it. " The words were spoken with a surprising gentleness, an almost empathetic understanding.

I had to wonder if I'd allowed my mental blocks to falter giving him access to my thoughts and feelings, but I soon realized that was not the case. A wary glance to my left confirmed that my mate was thoroughly lost in his own contemplations, and if he'd somehow touched on my emotions, it hadn't been through any deliberate intention.

Against my better judgment, I allowed my gaze to linger on his visage examining those striking features which so resembled the too proud prince, yet, I noted, they were somehow softer in that moment. Whether it was the play of silvered moonlight across his face or the vulnerability of confusion wrought by his father's words I could not have been certain, but he seemed lost just then.

The tears came more quickly as I studied him, and I found that I could no longer hold them at bay. He was my mate. We shared a bond that transcended all logic, yet I hadn't a clue to his feelings...no inkling of how to comfort him. It was all there, waiting just beyond my touch, but I dared not embrace it.

My mind recalled those early days when, despite the agony of separation, his very presence had brought an inexplicable ease to my soul, and though I could still sense him beyond the physical means, it could not rival the intimacy of what we'd had then.

I remembered the night we'd conceived the child; the uncertainty and confusion I'd felt laced into his subconscious mind. It'd been that glimpse into his soul that had ultimately allowed me to submit to him...as well as to myself. With vivid detail, I could recollect what it had been to feel his desire mingled with my own and to experience every nuance of our shared passion in mind as well as in body. How I wanted to feel that again!

It was only then that I realized he was staring at me; cobalt eyes wide, lips parted slightly in a silent question. His expression conveyed a naive bewilderment as though he couldn't quite understand why I was crying. In his eyes, words were words...nothing more, nothing less. I don't think he realized that those tears fell not for Vegeta's carelessness but for him.

" Hey now, " he said moving a hand towards me, " I told you that he... "

His words faltered, and his hand fell still in the space between us as I drew away from him, a bitter retort forced from my trembling lips, " I couldn't care less about him. "

" But then why are you crying? "

I looked up at him sadly wanting to explain, but I was not so brave. My heart was still hurting too deeply to take such a risk, and, just then, I thought that I'd understood the meaning behind Vegeta's words. No matter how difficult it would be, I knew what I had to do. " He's right, you know. It's time to face the truth. "

" Truth? "

" Yes, " I replied numbly, " there's no sense in trying to make this something that it will never be. As he said, it's all a charade. " My hand gestured towards the direction that Vegeta had gone. The tears refused to stop, but I ignored them and struggled to feign conviction in the explanation. " We can't pretend nothing happened, but if we both accept it for the mistake it was, maybe we can change it somehow. "

There was an extended pause; its silence echoed like a death toll in the night until, at last, he spoke again.

" Are you trying to say that the bond might be broken if we both consciously renounce it? "

" It's possible. "

" And this is something that you would be willing to do? "

Every particle of my being wanted to tell him no...to offer my undying love and beg him to love me in return, but I knew that it was a vain desire. The reality of the situation demanded that I agree freeing him from the obligation pressed upon him by a moment of blind instinct. Yet, there existed no guarantee of success, and if success relied upon my willingness to release him...I would be making a promise that my heart could not keep. But that I would deal with that when the time came...

" I would. "

Those words were like poison on my tongue leaving an acrid taste lingering in my mouth, but I would not recant. An old proverb whispered in the back of my mind...'If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was.' It didn't mention how painful it could be when you set something free knowing that it would never return.

" If that's what you want, then I'll talk to my father when he returns. He's never mentioned a way to break a bonding, but that doesn't mean it's not possible. "

All that I could muster was a small nod; the simple acceptance of a fate that I didn't want but couldn't change. I had no right to hold him to me now that I had lost the child. Of what benefit would it be to remain connected to a man who merely tolerated me out of obligation, even if I loved him more than life itself?

" I need to go. "

I stepped around him reaching for the door as I did. If I didn't go now there would be no way to hide the truth. My legs were shaking, threatening to collapse under me, but a moment later I was standing in the living room. Hardy chuckles erupted from the kitchen; no doubt it was Goku and his boys sharing a midnight snack as they so often did.

So that is what it all came down to after everything that had occurred. All of the tears and all of the pain amounted to nothing in the end. Before morning, Trunks would ask his father if there existed any means of severing the bond between us, which would most likely please the Saiya-jin prince, and I would reluctantly submit to whatever was required of me.

I'd heard the front door close as I made my way upstairs and silently vowed that regardless of the verdict I would end this. If there were no means by which to break the bond between Trunks and I, then I would leave. Unlike the last time, I would let the others know of my decision, but I wouldn't allow anything they said to change my mind. That was just how it had to be.

~*~*~*~*~*~

The clock ticked tirelessly as the seconds passed. It had been the only sound I'd heard for more than an hour, but I continued to stare at the wall willing sleep to come. The shadowy outline of branches danced in patches of moonlight unmindful that there was no music to be heard...only the ceaseless rhythm of time.

It was well after two in the morning, and I'd come to the conclusion that either Vegeta had not returned or Trunks hadn't wished to wake me. How was he to know that sleep eluded me? One or twice I'd stirred, thinking that I would venture downstairs and see what was happening, but the thought of facing Vegeta again brought that notion to a screeching halt. So, I'd remained here anxiously waiting for that familiar presence to draw near.

The sound was faint, but it immediately roused me from the semi-conscious state I'd fallen into a few minutes prior. Briefly, I thought to ignore it, but that would only prolong the inevitable. Knowledge of my previous decision gave me the strength to cross the room. Why should I fear what he had to say when the outcome would be the same either way?

" Were you sleeping? "

I shook my head in response to his question and inched the door open further, " Did you talk to him? "

Trunks seemed a bit surprised by the immediacy of my question, and it was strangely ironic how much I needed to hear the answer to it. Now that it'd come this far, I wanted it to be over. Waiting only made it hurt that much worse.

" Could we talk up here? Everyone's still up, and ah... " his voice trailed off with an obvious uncertainty. I couldn't be sure whether he nervous about the two of us being alone or what he had to tell me. It felt odd to see him in such a state though.

" Of course, " I said trying to be nonchalant. It wasn't easy.

I watched him walk into the room. Our paths had certainly come full circle. It was in this room that our trial had begun, and it was here that it would end. Cruelly befitting.

" It can't be done. "

I'd scarcely closed the door when he said the words, and it was a long moment before they fully registered in my mind. " Can't? " I echoed using the door to support my suddenly weakened form.

" No. My father made it quite clear that the Saiya-jin bond is permanent. Until the moment that one of us dies, there is no way to break it, " he paused then added with a smirk, " and even that out has its consequences. "

Until then, I hadn't realized how much I was relying on some easy way to make this end...a solution that wouldn't scar me for the rest of my life. All I could picture now was a lifetime of suffering because I would never have the chance to heal from this loss. If nothing else, his mark would be a constant reminder that my mate was somewhere in the world and we would never be together.

" Then I'm leaving. "

The words slipped out of their own accord. It was what I'd planned to say, but the timing definitely wasn't right. He spun around, eyes blazing with an intensity that made my heart stop cold, " What did you say? "

" I didn't mean...you - I... "

" Tell me, do you run away from everything in your life? " he snapped. " Do you know what would happen if I did that? If my father and Goku did that? We'd all be dead...as well as everyone else in our world! You have to learn that it's not the god damn answer to everything! "

" You're such a hypocrite! " I gasped in complete disbelief. " Your big solution to everything was to just shut it out and hope it fixed itself! "

The look he gave me was incredulous to say the least. I don't think he was fond of having his mistakes pointed out to him, and I sensed that it hadn't happened on many occasions. A long time passed while we merely stared at one another; each waited for the other to speak.

Eventually Trunks shook his head and growled, " If you want it over that badly then fine. Go. I don't want you here. "

And it was done. With unimaginable effort I pushed myself away from the door and pulled it open. It felt as though things were moving in slow motion as I waited for him to leave. Over and over I reminded myself that this was the only reasonable option...willing myself not to break down.