Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Patience ❯ Devastation ( Chapter 11 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Patience
By Pixelgoddess

Summary - Vegeta has had his eye on Goku for years, but isn't willing to make the first move. Will either of them bend?

This started out life as a series of one-shots, with required sentences - first 'Why did you stop?', then 'I've been waiting a long time for this' and 'You wouldn't dare.' Now look what has happened - it's taken on a life of its own.

Pairings - oh please - I almost never write anything but Goku and Vegeta. What do you think?
Warnings - This is me you are talking about - expect smut and angst, pretty much in equal measure. With enough sap to thin it out. Goku/Vegeta. Sex. Kissing. Smut. Yaoi. (Does everyone know what that means?) And now that the cat is out of the bag - mpreg.
A disclaimer too? *sighs* Would I worry about paying my bills if I owned them? Hell, if I owned them, there would have been more naked Saiyans, more sex, Goku would have saved Vegeta, and the prince would have been the one to pound the lizard to a pulp.

Chapter 11 - Devastation

Vegeta lay in the yard where he collapsed, too exhausted to even try to move. He felt the arrival of the Namek but couldn't be bothered.

"Oh shit. Not again." He heard a hint of panic in Piccolo's voice and felt a tiny surge of satisfaction. Panic? The Namek didn't know panic. He refused to acknowledge his presence until the Namek crouched down beside him and put a hand on his shoulder. "Vegeta?"

"What do you want?" he growled, opening an eye to glare at Kakarott's friend. Some friend - where was he last night when he was needed?

"You're alright?" Piccolo asked, his face a strange purplish hue. "For a minute I thought…"

"I'm fine," he said, smacking the Namek's hand away. "Just fucking wonderful."

"Where's Goku? We were supposed to--"

"What the hell do you care?" he spat, painfully climbing to his feet. "You were so busy with your damn split form training - trying to copy my ki- "

"That wasn't-" Piccolo began, but he ignored the interruption.

"--that you couldn't even pay attention to what was happening to your friend. What? Do you think you can trick him into leaving me by making yourself more like me?"

"Don't be stupid, Vegeta. I wouldn't do that even if I could."

A thought struck him and he glared venomously at the Namek, "And if I find out it was your fault, I swear by the gods I will kill you."

It was hard to tell with the Namek's green skin, but Vegeta swore he blanched. Piccolo started to say something, but hesitated, obviously checking for Kakarott's low ki. "What happened?" he asked in a low voice.

"What happened? What happened was that Kakarott almost died last night." He sat down heavily on a nearby boulder, suddenly too tired to fight. Lack of sleep and his mate's exhausting drain on his ki had completely sapped his energy. He closed his eyes, remembering the long hellish minutes as he poured every erg of his ki into his mate, pleading with him not to leave him.

When Kakarott had stopped breathing… he felt something vital being ripped out of him even as he covered his mate's mouth with his own, forcing oxygen into his lungs. He was torn between cursing their child then for holding onto his precious ki, and grateful it was able to maintain enough to survive this emergency. He ascended, pushing ki through his mate's body as a pulse, using his own will to force his heart to beat and his lungs to fill. He completely curled himself around Kakarott, arms and legs enfolding him, trying to ignore the panicked voice crying 'don't leave me'. He felt a huge surge of relief when he finally felt his mate's chest expand against him as his lungs filled on their own and his heartbeat responded to his pulse of energy. He carefully adjusted his ki to coincide with the beating of Kakarott's heart, not wanting to put anymore strain on his already stressed system.

When Kakarott had finally opened his eyes, he first expressed his surprise and delight at discovering they had been allowed to stay together in death and wondered where they were. With his next breath he berated Vegeta for killing himself, so disoriented he apparently believed Vegeta would voluntarily leave his mate. And then Kakarott had noticed the tears in Vegeta's eyes. Vegeta had wept openly then, clutching his mate tightly, too relieved to speak or convince Kakarott they were both still alive.

He told the Namek what happened in a tired monotone, leaving out his own emotional reaction. He did take some pleasure in being the one who finally discovered the cause of is mate's nightmares, making a point of emphasizing that Kakarott had told him.

"And the baby?" Piccolo asked, concerned.

"Fine," Vegeta growled. It had all happened so fast - whatever protection the Tuffle scientists had given to the tasans' fetuses had apparently worked; the child could survive at least a short time. It angered him - how could the Tuffles have manipulated his race so much? While he'd never tell Kakarott - he knew his mate would disagree - he'd give up the unborn child in an instant to save his mate's life.

"Goku saw it?" Piccolo said alarmed, "And he almost died as a result?"

"He swears it was real - that I died - killed myself. Even now I can't convince him it was just another nightmare."

"I knew I should have--" Piccolo looked troubled. "But how did he feel it? It shouldn't have been possible if he's lost his ability."

"I told you - it was a dream - he imagined he felt it. And if you'd been around like you said you'd be," he said angrily, "maybe it wouldn't have gotten so critical."

"Get serious Vegeta. We agreed that one of us would always be available. You were there with him. Are you trying to tell me you want me to sit in the house with you? Follow Goku around room to room? Maybe you want me to sit in the bedroom and monitor you during sex."

"Don't be an ass!"

Piccolo advanced angrily, towering over him. "Don't you be an ass!"

Vegeta pushed him back, "I'm getting tired of your crap."

"So is this what we're going to do to help Goku? Stand here and fight with each other? He almost died last night. Shouldn't you be trying to find a way to keep it from happening again?"

"It shouldn't have happened the first time!" he shouted in frustration. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. "If we were mated - fully mated - he would have known it wasn't real. Kakarott would know I would not leave him like that."

"But you're not… Goku hasn't been able to complete the bond," Piccolo said softly. "I'm sorry."

Vegeta felt the memory hit him full force, every instant of terror of losing Kakarott beating at him as a painful reminder. He could barely breathe, struggling with the grief and hopelessness washing over him, not even sure whose he was feeling. He'd chosen this - chosen this mate. He'd known it wouldn't always be easy, but he'd never imagined the challenges they would face. "We've been together for nearly a year," he said tiredly. "We should have been mated by now."

"Vegeta - almost half of that time Goku's been pregnant. It's changed him. These nightmares…" Piccolo said thoughtfully, "I wonder if they are the symptom and not the real problem."

Vegeta scowled, "I'd say the fact my mate is now afraid to go to sleep is a problem."

"Is this normal for a Saiyan? Have you experienced constant dreams - nightmares - like this?"

Vegeta stared at him. How dare the Namek ask such a question?

Piccolo must have understood his glare, because he glared right back. "Personally, I don't give a shit about your nightmares - you probably deserve them. I'm trying to help Goku. So if you're going to be a dick, think about who you are really hurting."

He growled in annoyance at the Namek's logic. "Kakarott's ability to feel people the way he does is special. Usually it only happens with a mate or a few special companions - and then it is a conscious effort." Which was a good thing in his case; what kind of pain would he have felt when his planet was destroyed if he had been attached to more of the inhabitants? It was hard enough knowing the moment his father had died - what if he had felt the death of the planet the way Kakarott did?

"And now he feels nothing."

Vegeta shook his head.

"Does he have any other friends anymore? Anyone else to talk to?"

"He's made new ones, but he hasn't gone to see any of them for months. And I doubt he would tell them about this anyway. If he wants someone to talk to, he's got me. And," he scowled, "you."

Piccolo smirked at him, obviously knowing how much he hated having to admit that, before turning serious again, "Yamcha was the last survivor of his original circle of friends."

"What does it matter anyway?" Vegeta demanded. "He doesn't need all of those weaklings dragging him down."

"Goku's friendships don't drag him down - they make him stronger. We should have paid more attention to him - maybe then we would have noticed how withdrawn he's become. It can't be good for him; it's just not normal."

"I never thought of it until yesterday," Vegeta replied. He'd never had many friends, so he hadn't paid attention to their absence in Kakarott's life. "He's never said anything."

"He wouldn't, would he? He wouldn't want us to worry - he never wants anyone to worry about him." Piccolo crossed his arms and bowed his head, thinking. "When you consider how much people talk to him, he's surprisingly secretive about personal issues; it took years before he really opened up to me about anything major. Hell, in your own obnoxious way you're more forthcoming than he is - although your comments are usually accompanied by a fist." Vegeta made a wry smirk at the remark. Piccolo scowled back at him and continued, "Maybe he thinks we don't want him to have other friends - we do tend to demand most of his time."

"I don't force him to do anything," Vegeta snapped, stung by the implication he would try to control his mate like that.

"We don't force him - but we do expect him to be available all of the time - and disagree about sharing. For all we know we could be making things more difficult - he wants to get along with us both. And we don't agree on much - except wanting Goku to be happy and healthy. And we can't even agree on how to accomplish that."

"And you want to bring someone else into this? What are you? Bored? Lonely?" He glanced at the Namek and nearly grinned as Piccolo's expression clouded.

"You're going too far, Saiyan," he growled, drawing himself up.

Vegeta adjusted his stance slightly - he doubted the Namek would be foolish enough to attack him, but intended to be prepared. Piccolo must have noticed the change because he backed off, his posture becoming non-threatening.

"This is stupid, Vegeta. I'm not your enemy. I'm not trying to take Goku from you. I know you don't believe it but I want you to be completely mated, and soon. This half thing you two have - it isn't good for him. It isn't healthy."

"What do you mean?" he asked suspiciously.

Piccolo hesitated, and Vegeta wondered for a moment if he was going to ignore his question. "Look what it's doing to Goku. He isn't his usual cheerful, confident and outgoing self; he seems to be sinking into depression. And face it, Vegeta - he's getting weaker. It's getting more and more difficult to help him maintain his level of ki."

"So what am I supposed to do?" he asked, feeling a desperate chill he wasn't completely successful at hiding from the Namek. "I can't force him to complete the bond." He didn't know what else he could do to prove to Kakarott how he felt - that he was his chosen mate no matter what.

"We need to find out why he hasn't - and if there's something we can do to convince him to. He must know you love him, and I know he loves you, Vegeta. There's got to be some reason he's holding back."

He shrugged, not sure how to react to the Namek anymore. At least he acknowledged his bond with Kakarott. But the idea of his mate deliberately holding back, unwilling to be completely mated with him was upsetting. "He hasn't told me why."

Piccolo shook his head, "He hasn't told me either." He headed towards the cabin, "I'm going to go talk to him."

"Something's really wrong, isn't it?" Vegeta said morosely. "I can't help but think I'm going to lose him somehow." He was struck again by the painful memory of Kakarott limp in his arms, unmoving.

"No. Nothing's going to happen to you or Goku. Not this time. Never again. Not if I have anything to say about it," Piccolo said stubbornly.

Vegeta studied the Namek suspiciously, "What's that supposed to mean?" He was struck by the sudden sense of the Namek keeping something from him.

Piccolo sighed with resignation, "I'm tired of losing friends, Vegeta. What happened to Goku last night… it never should have happened. I should have-" The Namek broke off and looked at him a moment before shaking his head. "I can't just stand by and watch this happen. I have to help both of you."

--------------------------------------

Goku tried to concentrate on the tv, but his eyes kept drooping shut. He slapped himself in the leg again and pulled his hair, trying to stay awake. He'd tried everything - loud music, exercise, watching television, even drinking coffee - in an increasingly vain attempt to stay awake.

It had been too real, Vegeta's grief and regret too intense to ignore. He hadn't even questioned how it was possible for him to feel the prince's emotions - he just knew they were real. Now he couldn't get the vision of the prince killing himself out of his mind. Even though Vegeta managed to convince him they were still alive the scene kept playing over and over in agonizing clarity. Goku's surrender, his attempt to stay with the prince even in death hadn't been conscious - I hadn't even been a decision, but more of a reaction to a need to stay with Vegeta. He simply couldn't imagine life without him and didn't want to try.

"Goku?"

He blinked and looked around in confusion; he didn't know anyone else was in the room. When he located the source of the voice, he just stared, bemused. Piccolo was sitting in Vegeta's favorite chair, legs crossing and uncrossing as he tried to make himself comfortable.

"What?" Piccolo asked when Goku grinned at the sight.

"I don't think I've ever seen you in a chair before."

Piccolo frowned for a moment, crossing his legs again, before finally finding a comfortable position and settling. "Most of them are too damn small."

"That's Vegeta's chair."

"Good," he growled.

"Sometimes I sit there with him," Goku smirked, enjoying the distraction.

Piccolo froze, his eyes widening a moment, before he clamped down his reaction to his usual stony expression. "I don't want to know."

"I'm just saying…"

"You've been around Vegeta too long," Piccolo complained.

Goku grinned at him a moment before getting up. "I need some more coffee. Do you want any?"

"You don't drink coffee," Piccolo said and Goku frowned to himself as he headed to the kitchen. He had upset Vegeta already, and knowing Piccolo he wasn't going to be able to avoid repeating what had happened and upset him as well. "Are you sure that it is okay for the baby?"

"The baby is fine," he said stubbornly, adding another spoon of sugar to the cup. He hid his shudder at the unintentional reminder that he had endangered the life of another of his children. Once it had gotten through his thick skull what he had done, he desperately insisted Vegeta carefully check the baby's ki, barely unable to contain his panic at what the prince might find. Learning the baby was fine only comforted him a little - what kind of terrible parent was he?

He sat back down, sipping the black liquid, scowling at the taste. He didn't like coffee, but he didn't want to sleep yet - maybe not ever.

"Have you tried adding milk?" Piccolo asked when he shivered at the bitter taste.

"No. Do you think that will help?" Goku asked.

Piccolo sighed and unfolded himself from the chair. "Give me that," he said, taking the cup and tasting it. He looked disgusted. "This is like drinking grounds. Do you know how to make coffee? Really?"

Goku shook his head, watching his friend moving around in the kitchen. "No. Chichi didn't drink it… and the boys always made their own." Piccolo dumped out the remains of the pot and started a new one. "Where did you learn how--?"

Piccolo frowned slightly, but didn't answer his question, instead continuing with his preparations. "You put too much ground in here. Look. This much water; this much coffee."

Goku nodded, watching silently as Piccolo went through the cabinets while the coffee brewed, selecting a clean cup, adding some milk and sugar to it, and finally pouring the hot liquid into the cup. Piccolo handed it to him and Goku looked up at him, surprised. "You've done this before?"

"No," Piccolo said softly, curling back into the chair. "I watched Gohan."

He took a tentative sip. "This is much better."

"That won't keep you up for long - caffeine can't perform miracles."

Goku frowned, ignoring the truth of his statement. He was only able to stay awake now because he was doing something. As soon as he stopped he was sure he'd fall asleep - and the nightmares would start again.

Piccolo waited quietly as he drank half of the cup before asking the question Goku knew was coming. "What happened?"

"I'm sure he told you," Goku said, voice flat. "I dreamed. Vegeta died. I died. He brought me back. I woke up."

"That succinctness is worthy of the runt prince," Piccolo said, his grin exposing fangs.

"Are you two going to fight over me forever?" Goku asked, annoyed at the ongoing, useless rivalry. "Can't you get along? Try to be friends?"

Piccolo bowed his head, sighing heavily. "Much as it pains me to admit it, I do consider him my friend. It might not be returned - it's hard to tell with Vegeta - but I don't want to see anything happen to him. Turns out the little bastard has grown on me without my realizing it."

"Good. I hate to see you two fighting all of the time."

"I can't guarantee we'll stop fighting." Piccolo grinned at him, "I kind of enjoy it."

Goku shrugged and went back to his coffee. Definitely better.

"Are you going to keep changing the subject and avoiding my question? I'd like to know so I can make plans for the rest of the day."

"I told you."

Piccolo shook his head, "You summarized - if you can call it that."

Goku barely resisted the urge to curl up and hide under a blanket. It was bad enough going through it once - why did they want him to relive it?

"Isn't that enough?" he muttered. "I saw him, alright? Felt him. He was sad and lonely… Vegeta was crying. He hardly ever cries. And it was my fault. I had done something terrible. So terrible he couldn't go on. " He kept picturing it, his prince surrounded by trees in what should have been a calm and peaceful place. The disparity just made Vegeta's profound grief even worse, overwhelming Goku. Once he started talking he found it hard to stop and could only listen to himself babble. "He killed himself. I watched him, begged him to stop, but he wouldn't listen to me. He put his hand over his heart and used his ki to blow a hole through it."

"But you couldn't have-" Piccolo began, disbelieving.

"Are you saying I imagined it?" Goku said angrily. "That it wasn't real? What if it is? What if it's something that's going to happen?" He hung his head. "How could I hurt him that much? What did I do wrong?" He tilted his head to look up at Piccolo, trying to make him understand all of his confused thoughts, hoping maybe someone else could make sense of them. "Maybe it's a warning. Maybe I'm going to lose him too. What will I do? I can't do that again. I don't want to feel someone else die."

"Goku - you haven't done anything wrong. That wasn't your Vegeta. He's fine and outside, worried about you. You shouldn't blame yourself; what happened to him wasn't your fault."

"I don't know why I was surprised. I should have expected it. Just one more person that I love dies and I can't do anything but stand there when it happens. All these great powers, and what good are they? They're useless. Completely useless. They all die - everyone I care about - and every time they do I feel another part of me ripped away. I feel like I'm shrinking. They keep dying and I'm vanishing. Fading away." Goku felt the tears rolling down his cheeks, but didn't know how to stop them. "I can't keep doing this. Everyone I get close to dies."

"Goku…"

"Sometimes I feel like I attract death… Maybe I should have stayed dead after all. In Otherworld you can't feel when people die. It was so much easier there."

"But much lonelier," Piccolo said softly.

"I didn't feel lonely very often. I was too busy training."

"Maybe you were trying to avoid thinking about it."

"I don't know…"

"Maybe these nightmares are your brain trying to tell you something."

"What?" he said bitterly. "How many people I've lost?"

"I was thinking more along the lines of needing friends to fill those holes that have been left behind."

"So I can feel them die too? You don't know what it's like, Piccolo. You don't know what it's like to feel someone as a constant presence - a part of you - and then it vanishes."

"Yes I do."

Goku looked up, surprised to hear the pain in his friend's voice.

"Gohan got in my head somehow. More than even Kami or Nail. I always knew what he was feeling - sometimes even thinking. I knew when he was happy… or afraid… I knew he was dying - maybe even before you did. I understand better than you think, Goku."

Goku frowned, reminded of one more person's death he felt responsible for. He picked up the pile of bills he'd paid while trying to keep busy and absently shuffled through them, trying to compose himself with little success.

"I don't know what to do," he finally said. "I don't understand what's wrong with me - but I can't help but think it's my fault somehow."

"I doubt that."

Goku grimaced, annoyed at himself. "Vegeta thinks it wouldn't have happened if we were mated already."

"Why aren't you?"

"I can't!" Goku exclaimed, frustrated. "Don't you think I've tried?"

"Have you?"

Goku stared at him in disbelief. "You do think it's my fault."

"No I don't - at least not deliberately. But I do think you are letting yourself be ruled by fear - and you are afraid of the wrong thing."

"That's not fair," he protested.

Piccolo sighed. "Son, you have to look inside - figure out what it is that is holding you back and do something about it. I can't tell you what to do…but I don't want you to make the same mistake I did."

Goku looked at him curiously; he couldn't imagine what mistake Piccolo could have made. He was the most thoughtful person he knew - his friend didn't screw up the way he did all the time.

"I would have done anything for Gohan. I did. Everything but have the courage to tell him how much he meant to me. There was always some reason or some fear - real or imagined - that kept me silent. I don't know - maybe I thought there would be plenty of time…but there wasn't. He died and it was too late."

"I didn't--"

"Don't make the same mistake I did, Goku. Figure out what it is that scares you more - being with Vegeta or being without him. But choose. This indecision of yours is cruel to everyone - including yourself."

"I love him."

Piccolo stared at him and he could feel the intensity of dark eyes piercing him. "So you say. But do you love him enough? Enough to commit to him completely? Enough to risk losing him? Enough to stop focusing on your eventual deaths and enjoy whatever time you have without fear? Everyone dies, Goku. You can't just shut down and stop living because you've lost people you care about. They wouldn't want you to do that."

"It's just so hard… It's so confusing sometimes."

"I know Son - and while Vegeta and I want to fix everything and make it easy for you, we can't; you're the only one who can resolve that. But you have to. You have to make up your mind what you are really afraid of and what you are willing to risk."

Goku sat silently, staring down at his growing belly, absently riffling through the stack of checks he held. He was intensely aware of the silence and Piccolo's eyes on him. "Gohan must have known," he whispered, glancing up at his friend.

Piccolo frowned. "I'll never know, will I?"

Goku rubbed his belly, feeling his child's movement echoing his distress. "I don't know what to do anymore. That nightmare really scared me. It felt so real."

"I know."

"Tell me what to do. Please," he pleaded. Everything, including flashes of Vegeta's death, just kept whirring around in his head and he couldn't seem to think clearly anymore.

"I can't tell you what to do. You're an adult, completely capable of making decisions yourself."

Goku sighed. Even if that was true, it wasn't easy. "Will you--? Will you at least tell me what you think?"

"What I think… You already know what I think, but if you need me to repeat it I'll tell you one more time. After that, you're on your own." Piccolo frowned and bowed his head. "I think Vegeta and I are making things difficult for you… we keep you busy and don't give you enough time to yourself. I know you Goku - you don't like to refuse anyone. Maybe you need to learn to be more selfish sometimes - take some time by yourself where you don't have to worry about anyone else."

Goku shrugged and rubbed his belly, "Yeah… I you're probably right.. But with the way I've been lately I don't think I should spend too much time away from someone who can help me."

"True," Piccolo scowled. "The list is kind of short. The only other person I can think of is Dende."

They sat silently, Piccolo shifting uncomfortably in the chair. Goku considered what his friend had said; trying without success to decide if he was right - yet one more thing he couldn't seem to get straight in his head.

"I need a break," Goku said, coming to a decision. He pushed himself out of his seat and went into the bedroom grabbing some clothes and other items and throwing them into a capsule. A few minutes later he came back to the living room where Piccolo was standing, apparently having given up his battle with the chair.

"Okay, I'm all set," Goku said. "I have to talk to Vegeta first, though."

"About what?" Piccolo demanded, following him out the door.

Goku shrugged, "What I'm doing."

"And what's that?"

Goku didn't answer, heading over to where Vegeta was standing in the shade of a tree.

"Goku? Goku!" Piccolo said, annoyed. "Damn it! Answer me."

Vegeta looked at him and he felt bad for how tired and sad the prince looked. He knew it was his fault and he had to fix it.

"Vegeta," he said without preamble, afraid of losing his nerve. "I'm leaving."

TBC