Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Young Man's Heart ❯ Staring Down The Barrel ( Chapter 1 )

~Word From The Mistress~

Hello all! I know I've been away for a while. I've been busy trying to get my life under control and underway. But no one cares about that. It's the writing that's important, right? Good! I was feeling kinda down today and decided to write this…and then it just sort of took over. My inspiration was the song "45" by Shinedown. Feel free to listen in while you read.

~And Now On With It~

Shinedown

"45"

Send away for a priceless gift
One not subtle, one not on the list
Send away for a perfect world
One not simply, so absurd
In these times of doing what you're told
You keep these feelings, no one knows
What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
Swimming through the ashes of another life
No real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45

Send a message to the unborn child
Keep your eyes open for a while
In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else
There's a piece of a puzzle known as life
Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight

What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
Swimming through the ashes of another life
No real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45

Everyone's pointing their fingers
Always condemning me
And nobody knows what I believe
I believe

And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
Swimming through the ashes of another life
No real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45

Warnings - Angst and darkfic. Coming chapters will contain references to drug abuse and depression. Rated for language and adult situations and content.

Characters - This story concentrates on Gohan and his mental stability. Anyone else is just to further the plot.

Disclaimer - There are so many of these around that they really don't serve any purpose anymore. We all know who owns what and who stole what, so just read my fiction and enjoy it and get on with your lives so you can read someone else's.

*Staring Down The Barrel*

Saiyaman! Protector and hero of Satan City.

Beloved of little children.

Held in reverence by elderly and infirm who tell of his brave deeds to those little children.

Hated by criminals, miscreants, and doers of injustice.

Mistrusted and envied by strong men and lusted after by women.

Supported and encouraged and discounted by his loved ones.

Gohan lived the life of a superhero, glorious and fateful as any truly worthy life could be.

And just as lonely.

It was everything he ever wanted. Everything his father always avoided at all costs. To be recognized and accepted and praised for doing a good job, for protecting others, for upholding everything that he had ever been taught about righteousness and honor…and he could also live up to his mother's greatest wishes at the same time because it left his pseudo life open for her dreams of his success. This way, he could please everyone.

He had the love of a good woman. Videl was always there for him…when it involved fighting and excitement and the evening news. She always professed to hate her father's bigoted and famous lifestyle, but she was never shy when it came to dealing in such things herself.

She tried so hard to bring herself into his lifestyle, but she threw off the balance even though he did enjoy her company at times. She wanted the superhero life…and nothing else. He had to have both. Had to! It wouldn't work otherwise!

But it was so hard sometimes. It took so much out of him. Trying to be everything…but not too much of any of it.

To keep balance.

His friends and family thought Saiyaman was a joke. Most of them made no secret of it and, even though he was admittedly pretty dense at times, he got the gist after a while. They couldn't understand why he did it. Were his actions so futile, so worthless, that they couldn't see that he did it all for them? That everything he ever did was to make them all happy? To make them proud?

And to survive through it at the same time.

They all wanted so much from him. His mother. His father. Piccolo. Videl. Vegeta and the younger demis. All his friends.

No matter what, he never seemed to be able to live up to any of their expectations. Sure he had their acceptance…but…he could still feel their disappointment and that was the worst thing of all.

He had all this power. They couldn't understand why he didn't use it. Why he wouldn't spar. Why he wouldn't give his all when they pushed him to it. None of them could fathom it. None of them understood that he just…couldn't.

He couldn't.

…let go.

He couldn't access so much power. He didn't want it, never wanted it, and he couldn't handle it when he tried to use it. He didn't have the warrior spirit that the rest had. All of them. He wasn't like them and they didn't seem to *want* to understand that. He was the only one who was…different. He didn't have the will necessary to control so much strength and power and responsibility. He didn't want it. He was afraid of it.

They were all disappointed in him. They always had been. And it had always torn him inside because he just *couldn't* be what they all wanted.

But here he was.

The strongest being in the universe. And so useless. So worthless. Such a disappointment.

And so lonely.

Was life supposed to be this way? Was it this way to everyone on this earth? Were they all just as lonely as him? That was a depressing thought. `This is what life is meant to be.'

He looked down from the high tower he stood upon. Just looked down at the sprawling city from his solitary perch. He had escaped Videl this evening. Not that he didn't want to be with her, but… He just felt the need to be alone, be alone with his thoughts…just alone. He was so alone inside, he might as well indulge in it outside as well.

His thoughts took a darker turn to match the oncoming night. He could never truly be *with* Videl anyway. Not like she wanted. As much as he tried to deny it, as much as he fought against it, he wasn't quite human. He still had these…conflicts within himself no matter how he repressed them. No matter how much he deluded himself. He was neither Saiyan nor Human. He was something else. Not enough of either to ever be happy in this world.

And no one else seemed to have inherited this problem. That in itself helped to darken his purgatory as well. All the others were more Saiyan than him, they all were happy. He was the only oddball. `What is so wrong with me??!'

It had been 26 long years of struggle for him. He was tired of it, but there did not seem to be any end in sight. It would just continue as it always had. `This is just the way things are.' He thought, closing his eyes with a sigh.

Sound pricked his ears from his high rise citadel. The sound of pain and anger and fear. He didn't even try to push aside his sad thoughts. He merely turned in the direction that Saiyaman was needed and tilted off the edge of the tower, his eyes still closed. He allowed himself to fall freely before finally gathering his energy and opening his eyes to the ever encroaching ground.

With the barest manipulation, his ki surrounded him and spurred him out of freefall and off over the city toward the sound that had already attracted the Satan City police with their sirens blaring.

The scene looked to be a pharmaceutical company and there were enough cops around the premises for Gohan to assume that the situation was pretty serious. He alighted on a neighboring building, almost forgetting in his still encompassing gloom to strike a pose, but that wouldn't be very Saiyaman-like, would it? Had to keep the balance.

Oh look! Saiyaman is here to save the day! Yaay! Or in some cases, Boo! Once again, Gohan was reminded of the fact that no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't please everyone. Was there any point? Of course there was. He just…couldn't see it at the moment. He hadn't seen it for a long time.

The mighty Saiyaman set to vanquishing evil and righting wrongs! Gohan flew to the large laboratory and opened an upper story window with Saiyajin strength and a tiny sting of guilt for the damage. Slipping inside, he made is way along using his extra sensitive hearing to find the way downstairs to where the villains were holding shop with what sounded like a lot of hostages. He found them only minutes later and crouched in a deserted doorway to scope the situation. There were over twenty lab workers all on the ground and the thugs were harassing two who were obviously higher employees.

Did he call these robbers thugs? That certainly didn't describe them. No, they were young, some of them weak and pubescent. None of them were older than your average college student. But they each had an animal gleam in their eyes, the glaze of desperation and need. These were…junkies. Nothing more than that. Junkies off the street with a mad desire for a fix…and guns in their hands. Gohan closed his eyes, discouraged and disgusted that life had driven these young boys to so such ends. What was this life when it bore such terrible things? Why live if this was all that there was to look forward to? He hated it. Hated all of it. But it was time for Saiyaman to shine.

He stepped into the room, truly forgetting his stupid pose this time. He was too preoccupied to force forth such nonsense. The boys…no!...robbers! They were robbers, thieves, it was that simple. The robbers turned to face him immediately, shouting among themselves, panicking, screaming about how this was "supposed to be simple, man!!" and "what the fuck is *he* doing here?!". The situation exploded as did the firearms in their hands as the boys desperately tried to save themselves from a fate infinitely less horrible than their young and drug-addled brains concocted.

"Get down!!" Gohan shouted, calling up his ki and reaching out to stop the bullets that hissed in his direction. Guns were nothing. He could deal with guns just fine so long as he kept a slight distance. It was the human hostages that he was worried about. He could only stop the bullets within reach and the room was now a random spray of lead with chaos spreading like a fire. He had to stop every one of these boys before any part of this situation could be salvaged. Faster than thought, he plunged into the room, flying over the squirming, writhing, frightened bodies that littered the floor to catch a gun arcing in his direction. He crushed it in his fist and tore it from the boy's hand, delivering a sharp blow designed to stop, not harm. The boy went down and Gohan turned to search out a second…a third…a fourth… It was swift work and only took moments before nearly all the young criminals were incapacitated. There was one left and Gohan was there in an instant as the boy tried to hide behind a hostage. Quicker than anyone could follow, he removed the woman and the weapon from the boy's grasp. That was just too far for the righteous Gohan to handle, trying to use a helpless innocent as a shield. He lost just an instant of good humor and slammed the teen against the wall, perhaps a bit too hard. He immediately regretted it and was about to check and see if the boy was alright when there was a metallic *thunk* against the back of his helmet. Gohan stiffened and tensed. There had been another junkie, hidden among the hostages, waiting until his back had turned.

"Dodge this, asshole!"

Gohan turned just soon enough to see straight down the barrel of the handgun aimed at his skull. He could see the blunt bullet at the end of the chamber and hear the *bang* as the trigger pulled. He had dropped his guard when concern for that last robber had distracted him. He had given up the battle before it was over just as he had done so many times in the past and disappointed so many people, let them die. He looked down that barrel and thought `this is what life is' and that `this is how it is meant to be' and if that were true, then why should he fight against it? How could he fight against the way it was meant to be? What right did he have to try and change what was and would always be? What good did it do to preserve something if this was all there was to look to in the end?

But he tried to dodge.

Because it was what was expected.

Because he was the superhero.