Fake Fan Fiction ❯ Don't Know What You've Got Till It's Gone ❯ Wait... ( Chapter 7 )

FAKE

Don't Know What You've Got Till It's Gone

by Lady Dragonphire

Summary: When Dee suffers amnesia after sacrificing himself to save Ryo from a terrible accident, can Ryo overcome his shyness and win back the love of his life before it's too late for their love?

Disclaimer:  FAKE and its characters are the property of Sanami Matoh.

WARNING:  The character's reactions might be slightly out of character when faced with traumatic events, but then again one never really knows how one will act when confronted by inescapable tragedy.

WARNING: Angst

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Chapter 7. Wait…

[I Never Had A Chance To Love You]

(White Lion)

"Good morning, Dee," Dr. Black said cautiously as she walked into his room and observed Dee's dejected look, the charming man ignoring his gourmet breakfast contained in the House of Pancakes restaurant box that was on his bedside table next to the tray of untouched hospital food. His brilliant green eyes were downcast and he looked as though he had not slept at all the night before.

"Morning," Dee mumbled halfheartedly, not bothering to look up at her.

"Dee, is something wrong?" she asked gently, not knowing how willing the fiery ebony-haired man would be to talk about whatever was on his mind.

"Yeah, everything in my life," he retorted bitterly, days of pent-up frustration building up at the fact that he still had not regained any of his memories and continued to feel utterly helpless - and alone. "Where do you want me to start? I don't know who I am, I don't know who to trust, and I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow when I'm released from here and have to go live by myself," Dee said disgustedly. He did not add that it had been almost a week since he hadn't heard anything from his friends from the precinct, or more importantly, from Randy. He ran his hands through his ebony tresses in frustration as he sighed.

"Don't get discouraged, Dee. You must never give up hope. Things will work out somehow, you just have to have faith. Speaking of faith, your partner told me that he knows of someone who has been like a mother to you, and I haven't been able to track her down until today. She's out in the waiting room. If you'd like to see Sister Maria Lane, she'd be thrilled to have your company," Dr. Black said kindly.

"O-okay, show her in," Dee replied hesitantly, leaning back against the pillows. Although he did not know what to expect, he figured that it was at least worth a shot talking to anyone who was able to offer any clues to his past or about who he was as a person. He was willing to try anything at this point.

An elderly nun walked into Dee's room, a sad smile spreading across her weathered face as she took in the figure of the heartbroken raven-haired man that was like a son to her sitting up in the bed. Dee studied her intently as she walked over and sat in the chair next to his bed, placing a bag that she had brought with her on the floor beside the chair before enveloping him in a loving hug. "Oh Dee, I'm so glad that you're okay. I was so worried about you," she said softly with genuine compassion, a sigh of relief escaping her lips as she held onto him tighter.

"Thanks," he said gratefully as he wrapped his arms around her, embracing her in return. Dee basked in the comfort and warmth that she seemed to radiate as she pulled away to look into his emerald depths.

"Please, call me Mother," she said kindly. Dee nodded and marveled how at ease he felt in the nun's presence, even for only knowing her a short while. He felt that like a heaven-sent opportunity, he had finally found the one person that he could open up to about his fears concerning the recent tragic events. He told her what he could ascertain about the events of the accident from the medical reports and hospital staff, and poured out his heart about how he felt concerning the loss of his memory as well as the actions of the people that he had encountered who had plunged him into a journey of utter confusion.

"I don't know who I am," he began, his voice hitching in his throat as he revealed his pain aloud for the first time since the accident. "I don't know who to trust - I don't know who I CAN trust. I feel that everything is just going on without me and leaving me behind in its wake. Life is happening all around me but I can't move forward, for I don't know where I've been and what I've experienced already. Everything is so confusing. I think I have a handle on people and then they go and do something unexpected and I'm right back where I started. How can I ever move on with my life if I don't know where to go? How can I be in a relationship with someone if I can't even understand myself? Who could love someone who has no memories of their past? Will I ever be able to be loved and return someone's love ever again?" Dee asked desperately. Dee was overwhelmed by all of his unanswered questions that ate away at his consciousness day in and day out. Mother was content to just listen to Dee as he went over his feelings in detail, holding his hand reassuringly and smiling in encouragement. "I guess I just don't know what to do about anything right now," he finished, sighing in frustration.

"Believe in yourself, Dee. You've always been honest and true to the path you chose," she said knowingly. "Follow your heart. Discover what feels right. You'll find your way," she said reassuringly.

Dee flashed her an appreciative smile as the tension seemed to leave his body, at least temporarily. It felt good to talk to someone who understood what he needed right now. It felt good to be able to believe in something again. Leaning back against the pillows with a sigh and running his fingers through his ebony tresses, Dee noticed the bag at her feet next to the chair. "What's that?" he asked, his interest piqued now that he had experienced his much-needed emotional catharsis.

"Your past," she replied mysteriously as she sat down on the bed next to Dee. She reached into the bag and pulled out a worn photo album. "You may not have had a conventional family, but you were certainly raised in a loving environment," she began, opening the album to the first page, which showed a picture of a teenaged Dee standing in front of the church that functioned as an orphanage with three of his friends, the names Dee, Tommy, Barry, and Arnon written in Mother's distinctive script underneath their grinning faces. "That was the day that you guys all went to your first professional basketball game. I remember how proud I was that you had worked hard and saved up the money doing odd jobs instead of using the time to cause mischief like you usually did," she reminisced fondly. "You four were quite a handful. You always seemed to be getting into some kind of trouble or another, but Jess was always there to help you out of it."

"Jess?" Dee asked, a puzzled look crossing his handsome face.

"Yes, Jess Laetner, the man who was like a father to you and who inspired you to become a cop. That's him there," she said, pointing to the next page of the album where a dark-haired man had his arm slung around Dee's shoulders. Dee's hair was slightly longer and pulled halfway back. The man in the picture looked like a proud father as he smiled broadly. In turn, Dee was grinning and looked truly happy.

Dee looked up from the photo album with a questioning look resonating from behind his endless green depths. "Where are these people now? Why haven't they come to see me? Are they even a part of my life anymore?" he wondered sadly.

She took his hand gently in hers and clasped it. "I'm sorry; they are but remnants of your past. You no longer are in contact with them," she said hesitantly.

Sensing her reluctance to tell him any more than she already had, Dee looked at her with pleading eyes. "Please… I need to know," he implored. "I need to know who I am."

"This must be so painful for you already. I don't want to add to your distress any more than necessary. You've been through so much," Mother said gently in an attempt to dissuade Dee's relentless pursuit of the topic.

"Please, I want to know ALL of my past, as tragic as it may be. I want to know all of the events and memories that have shaped me into the person who I am today. I have dealt with them before; I can get through them now," Dee said resolutely.

Looking deep into his eyes, Mother said slowly, "Dee, when you were fifteen, Arnon got in with the wrong crowd and was killed in a shootout. You, Barry, and Tommy found his body. There was nothing anyone could do for him. Believe me, you tried. You went to Jess with the information that you had found concerning his death in an attempt to clear his name. Unfortunately, Jess had to interfere when some unscrupulous characters found out that you knew too much about the details surrounding Arnon's death. He was murdered as a result. All he wanted to do was to protect you from leading a dishonest life. He cared for you like you were his own son. His last words to you were to `Live your life as honestly as you always have'. Because of his influence, you decided to become a cop to make sure that you could put right things that were wrong. You were determined to put a stop to as much of the corruption of the gangs that ruled the streets as you could. And you became a good cop, Dee. Jess would be proud."

Meeting her unwavering gaze steadfastly, Dee slowly took in the information. "You mean, everyone I've ever cared about has been taken from me?" he asked angrily, his flashing eyes filling with bitter tears.

"Oh dear, I was afraid of this happening. Please Dee, you couldn't have done anything to prevent it. These things just happen. People make choices and have to accept the consequences of those choices. It's not the quantity of life but the quality. Wouldn't you have done the same for them? They wouldn't want you to grieve," she said sadly.

"But why - why did Jess have to sacrifice himself to protect me?!" Dee shouted. "He didn't deserve what happened to him - no one deserves that!"

"Jess performed the greatest sacrifice - to lay down one's life for another. You did the same for your partner Randy. You were willing to sacrifice your own life to save his, and if you hadn't acted how you did, he would be dead right now," Mother said resolutely.

"That's different - Randy is a wonderful, kindhearted person. The world needs more people like him in it. I'm just a nobody, abandoned at birth and not worthy of having a family. How could Jess do that for me? I don't deserve that kind of love. He had everything, and he risked it all for me," Dee said indignantly.

"How is that so different from what you did, Dee? It is not up to you to decide the value of a person's worth. You may be only one person in the world, but you may be the world to one person. Randy loves you very much, Dee. You are his world. Don't give up on yourself - you matter too much to your friends, colleagues, Randy, and to me. A person's worth is not measured by where they start out in life, but rather what they make of themselves. You have lived a good life, Dee. You should be proud of yourself. I know I am proud of you," she said, tears welling behind her deep brown eyes at seeing Dee in so much pain.

`Randy… that was the second time he had heard someone mention how much Randy apparently loved him. But how could this be?' Dee wondered. Turning to look into Mother's soft eyes, Dee asked, "Well, if Randy supposedly loves me, then why hasn't he said anything to me? It's like I feel a deep connection between us, but I can't explain it more than that. I've barely gotten to say more than two words to him since the accident, although his eyes are so full of expression. It's like they speak volumes but in a language that I can't decipher. They contradict his actions so much. I don't understand him. I wish he'd just throw me even the slightest hint about how he felt about me," Dee said in frustration. "Besides, even if he did love me, what can I offer to him? How can anyone love somebody who has no past?" he said, his expressive eyes downcast and full of pain.

"You can offer your heart and your love to him," Mother said simply. "It's up to him to decide if he can love someone with no past. Your past is not everything, Dee. You still have your whole future ahead of you. Don't give up now. Just keep the faith. I have a feeling that you will be seeing more of Randy very soon. He just has to sort out his own feelings. This accident has been tough on him, too. He'll come back to you, Dee - I know it," she predicted with a comforting smile.

"I hope so," Dee said with wistful longing. Looking back up at her with a steady gaze he handed her back the photo album. "Thanks - it's nice to know that I have such a wonderful person who cares about me," Dee said gratefully.

"Remember, be honest with yourself - believe in yourself, Dee, for your heart knows its true path. Find it in yourself to have the courage to follow it," she said reassuringly as she gave him one final hug and left the room, satisfied that he was now strong enough to overcome his fears and doubts and would be able to move on with his life.

Noting the time by the glowing numbers of the clock on the bedside table, Dee walked over to the bathroom and brushed his teeth, changing into his pajama bottoms and turning down the sheets for bed before climbing into it. As he lay back against the pillows, he thought about everything that Mother had told him about his life and about all of the people in it who had come and gone. He did not want to lose Randy too. He did not want to lose possibly the best thing that had ever happened to him. He was missing too many pieces of his life already. Seeing the life-sized teddy bear sitting by the chair, he picked it up and hugged it close, its soft texture offering a small worldly comfort as he finally allowed himself to cry openly for the first time since the accident. He mourned for what he had lost and for what he would have to face to get back on the path to leading a normal life. He sobbed for what he could not have but wanted desperately with all of his heart, the faint glimmer of hope dying inside him like the glow of a firefly fading into the night as he was pulled under sleep's welcome embrace.

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A lone figure quietly pushed open the door to Dee's room and tread softly inside, closing the door, careful not to wake the sleeping raven-haired man. Dee's arms were wrapped around the huge teddy bear, clutching it to his bare chest for much-needed comfort. The pale moonbeams cut through the windowpanes and illuminated his handsome face which was marred by dried tear streaks that had slipped past his guard unheeded as Dee's grief had continuously overwhelmed him in a numbing trance long after he had fallen asleep.

Feeling a pang of sadness at how alone and helpless the usually self-assured man looked lying there in the bed, Ryo silently made his way over to Dee and lovingly brushed some silky raven tresses out of Dee's eyes, casting a shadow over Dee's face and blocking the moon's radiant glow that encapsulated his lover in an ethereal aura. Carefully he pulled back the covers and lifted Dee's arm that held the teddy bear, slowly easing the stuffed animal onto the chair by the bed. Dee shifted slightly but did not open his eyes, although he frowned at the loss of soothing warmth from the covers being pulled back and the removal of the bear against his skin, shivering slightly in the chill autumn air that wafted in through the drafty window and overpowered the feeble radiator emitting faint heat from across the room.

Ryo removed his shirt and climbed into the bed next to Dee, determined to warm Dee up with an offering of his body heat. Ryo lay with his back to Dee's broad chest, bringing Dee's arm down and wrapping it tightly around his waist, snuggling back against Dee and molding the contours of his warm body against Dee's.

Eyes closed, Dee instinctively pulled the warm body closer to his, sighing against honey blond tresses that emanated an air of familiarity. This felt so right, so soothing, having this man here in his arms. `Ryo', his subconscious mind registered before he succumbed to his exhaustion and was pulled once more under sleep's inviting spell.

"Oh Dee, I never want to be without you," Ryo whispered fervently as he placed his arms over Dee's, pulling him closer to his body and falling asleep in the arms of the one he belonged to - now and forever.

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