Fake Fan Fiction ❯ Three Times A Charm ❯ Chapter 10

Title: Three Times A Charm

Author: JadeHeart

Archived: found on AdultFanFiction.net. If anyone else would like it, please ask me first!

Fandom: Fake

Rating: X

Warnings: yaoi, angst

Timeline: follows on directly from the end of Vol 7

Summary: Decisions need to be made…

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this, they belong to the creators of `Fake', nor am I making any profits from this.

 

 

 

Chapter 10

 

“So there you are!” The soft, wavery voice startled him and Dee turned his head to see Sister Maria Lane's head sticking out through the window, as she leant dangerously outwards to peer over at him.

 

“Penguin! What do you think you're doing?!” he shouted, swinging around from his position perched on the roof. “Get back down!” He scrambled over the tiles frantically, worry etched across his face. “Hurry up and get back in!” She moved back into the room as he swung himself effortlessly inside.

 

They were standing in the top storage room, an attic if you like, boxes and other bric-a-brac scattered and piled in corners. Dee had come up here because it had reminded him of his old room many years ago when he had been growing up in the church orphanage.

 

“I thought I would find you here. You always did have a tendency to head for the high ground when you were upset.” Mother said with a small smile.

 

“Just how did you get up here?” Dee demanded, hands on hips and glaring down at the small, birdlike woman before him.

 

She looked up at him, still smiling. “Walked, of course.”

 

“It's four frigging floors!”

 

Mother reached up and grabbed his ear tightly. “I am quite well aware of how many floors it is, and you will watch your language within these walls, Dee.”

 

“Ow! Okay, okay! I'm sorry!” He rubbed his offended ear once she had released it but still glared. “You know you're not supposed to be going up so many stairs. The doctor told you that after your hip operation. What would all the kids do if you fell and hurt yourself?”

 

“I'm fine, Dee. Besides, I couldn't find you around anywhere else.”

 

Dee ushered Mother out the door, after closing and securing the window that he had entered through. “How did you know I was here?” he asked in a quieter voice.

 

Mother glanced briefly at him as they reached the stairs. “Oh, one of the children told me. You should know that you can't come into this place without one of them seeing you, and since you didn't go and immediately play with them, they thought something was wrong.”

 

She placed her hand on the railing and gingerly stepped downwards onto the first step. Dee had been completely correct in what he had said. She wasn't supposed to be walking up and down so many stairs. The recent hip operation had only been the last in a number of medical problems. She wasn't as young as she used to be and age was beginning to catch up with her.

 

She sighed. She worried what would happen to all her young charges if something happened to her. Well, it was all in God's hands, he would ensure that everything would work out the way that it should.

 

She winced a little taking the next step as it put a strain on her bad hip, then felt strong hands support her other elbow. She looked over at Dee standing close to her, holding her arm.

 

“Lean on me,” he said softly, and she gratefully did so, drawing on his strength as they slowly navigated the way back down.

 

On the second floor they paused. Mother was slightly out of breath and stood for a moment, breathing shallowly. Dee was concerned. He hated thinking about it most of the time but he was fully aware that Mother was getting on in years and she was unlikely to be around forever. It was a thought that he hated having, no matter how much of a realist he generally was. Whenever it crossed his mind, it made his chest tighten. Living in a world with no Mother just seemed so wrong.

 

“Let's go this way for a moment,” Mother said suddenly and turned down the corridor instead of continuing down the stairs. Dee followed, still supporting her slow walk.

 

She opened the third door along and Dee following her in. Glancing around, he could see that it was set up like a sitting room, with comfortable lounges and chairs, with a fridge humming in the corner. Mother sat down with a small thankful sigh, taking the pressure off her tired feet.

 

“I'll make you some tea,” Dee said, moving to where he could see a kettle. He checked there was enough water, flicked the switch, and then pulled out a mug and teacup and saucer, before seeking out the tea in a canister. “What is this room?” he asked, not having seen it before.

 

“Oh, I use it when I have people come who are looking at adopting. This is where they can spend a bit of time talking to the children. I sometimes let the children come in here also if they just want a bit of alone time, as long as they clean up after themselves.”

 

The kettle began to whistle and Dee quickly warmed the teapot before refilling it. He spent a couple of minutes to find a tray and placed everything on it to carry over to the table before Mother.

 

She looked at him with a wide smile. “I see you haven't forgotten everything you were taught.” she said as he placed the strainer over the teacup and began to pour.

 

“I know how much you like your tea,” he replied, placing the cup before her and turning to his own mug.

 

“You don't drink tea too often. I thought you only drank coffee now.”

 

He shrugged. “For some reason I don't mind drinking tea with you.”

 

Mother retained her smile as she reached out and placed two teaspoons of sugar in her tea with a dash of milk, stirring it together. There was silence for a moment between them as she raised her cup to her lips and sipped elegantly.

 

Over the rim of her cup she watched Dee as he too drank, a far-off, distracted look in his eyes. He was upset about something, she could see that at a glance, but it wasn't just being normally upset. She knew Dee's moods and emotions better than any of her charges, now or before. There had always been something about Dee from the time he had been a child that made him stand out in her eyes. Perhaps it was his passion for life, his desire to live to the fullest at every possible moment. It probably came from the knowledge that he was an orphan, abandoned to die as a baby. Perhaps that had always made an impression on him, to remind him of how short life could be.

 

She had always believed God had been responsible for bringing Dee to her that night; a squalling baby wrapped in a blanket. She had raised him just as she had all the children before him, she played no favourites with any of her charges, but Dee did hold a special place in her heart. He had had such a fierce desire to do `something' with his life. Most of the time he didn't quite know what he wanted to do, but he always knew that there was `something' out there for him. That intense strong faith that he had, although he didn't profess to any religion, always touched a place deep inside her.

 

Now she examined the grown man before her. He had become very handsome, confident too, one could almost say a little too cocky, but that was just Dee. He took the world head on, and never took no for an answer when he was certain of what he wanted. He was dedicated to his profession, and he had a depth of caring and gentleness that he generally hid from many people. Anyone would think that he had nothing to worry about in his life now.

 

However, she could see that he seemed bowed down under the weight of something. His shoulders were slumped, and his eyes were dull. The corners of his mouth were dragged down, not curled upwards in his usual, almost perpetual, grin. There was something very wrong with Dee, she could see that.

 

“Won't you tell me what's the matter?” she said quietly taking another sip of tea.

 

Dee looked up at her, then turned his head away, avoiding her eyes. “Nothing's the matter.”

 

She carefully placed her cup back on the saucer and folded her hands in her lap. “Dee,” she said. He refused to look at her. “Dee.” adding a touch of authority to her tone. He responded, and sullenly turned his head a fraction in her direction, only his eyes flicking up to her face and then away again.

 

“Dee,” she repeated once more. “I know that something is bothering you. You're not acting like yourself at all. And you only ever ended up on the roof when you were really upset about something. You might feel better if you talk about it.”

 

“There's nothing to say.”

 

She reached out and picked up her cup, letting the silence stretch a little. “Is everything going well at work?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“And those injuries?”

 

Dee raised a hand to his face feeling the stitches running up his forehead into his hair. He had almost forgotten about them. “Sorry. I hope I didn't frighten you looking like this. I didn't mean to.”

 

She waved his concern away. “I gather you're not too badly hurt?”

 

He shook his head, “Just this and some bruises.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“I was stupid and forgot to put my belt on during a pursuit. It was my own fault.”

 

“That doesn't sound like you. I do hope you are going to be more careful.”

 

“Yeah, I will.”

 

“Apart from that, you are still enjoying your job?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Silence again.

 

“How is that lovely boy, Ryo? It's been a while since the two of you stopped by here. I thought you might have brought him with you this time for a visit. It would be lovely to see him again.” She saw the slight tightening of Dee's lips, the flicker of pain in his green eyes before those long lashes hid them from her sight.

 

“He's fine.”

 

“Ah,” she said softly, taking another sip.

 

Silence again.

 

“Why didn't you tell me he was your lover?” she suddenly asked.

 

Dee had his mug halfway to his lips when she spoke and was so completely shocked that it fell from his nerveless fingers, spilling liquid across his trousers.

 

“Oh, dear!” Mother said, standing and hurrying away to gather up a towel before returning to hand it to Dee. “I'm sorry, dear. I didn't mean to startle you.”

 

He waved her back to her seat as he tried to sop up the worst of the spilt drink, which fortunately had cooled considerably or he would have been leaping off the couch in a lot more pain. “It's okay. I just wasn't…expecting that.”

 

“What? That I would ask such a question?”

 

“That you would….know.” Dee said very quietly, head down.

 

Ah, she thought, so she had been right about them. When she had first met Ryo, she had sensed that there had been a connection between him and her Dee. It wasn't a sexual or just physical connection, she may be a nun but she was fully aware of the more worldly matters of life. What she had sensed was a spiritual bond, something almost akin to what she felt for her vocation. She had always prayed that Dee would finally meet someone who he could fully open up to and be himself, someone who would love him for himself, with all his good points, and bad. She had met some of his previous partners, both male and female, and although they had all been nice people, she had not felt that there was any true bond there.

 

But, Ryo had been different; even though at that time he had denied that he was anything more than a work partner to Dee, but she could still sense the deep caring Ryo had for Dee. She had been able to see how strongly Dee felt for Ryo, the way he looked at his partner on that first day, the way he had been so relaxed. Mother couldn't remember seeing Dee so calm before, so at ease with himself. It had made her old heart swell with joy.

 

So they had finally developed their relationship further, she thought. She was glad. However, judging from the way Dee looked at the moment, things obviously weren't going well - not well at all. In fact, Dee almost looked crushed.

 

“Dee, I've raised you from a baby, I know when you are hurting.”

 

Dee looked up and this time the pain in his eyes was clearly visible. It reminded her of when he had been much, much younger; that defenseless, frightened, hurt look, even though he would also be trying to hide it from her. It was a look that cried out for comfort, but was afraid to ask for it, afraid of being rejected and turned away. Afraid of being abandoned - again. She had spent many years doing everything she could to reassure Dee that she would never abandon him, that he didn't need to fear that. She had succeeded. However, that fear was deeply ingrained within Dee, and she knew he carried that fear still, and it was always in the back of his mind in his relationships. She had always believed that perhaps that was why he had never found a permanent partner before. That he would never open up completely to the other person for fear that the person would leave and of being hurt by them. In some ways it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, almost dooming a relationship before it begins.

 

Only with Ryo had Dee seemed to have finally dropped all his defenses, and that was even before they had begun a relationship. Mother had been so happy to see that back then. It had seemed like a miracle, as though all her prayers had been answered. Now, she wondered what had gone so wrong that Dee looked once more like the six year old child that would lay his head in her lap and cry silent tears.

 

“You and Ryo are lovers, aren't you?” she asked softly.

 

Dee let out a sigh and dropped his head again. “I….don't know.”

 

Now that wasn't the answer that she had been expecting. “Why not?”

 

Dee looked off to one side, gazing out into the distance. “I thought….I thought we had reached that point. We did….” He suddenly blushed casting a quick glance in her direction, “you know,” he half stammered, still blushing.

 

She couldn't help but smile at the usually over-brash Dee embarrassed because he was talking about his sex life. Guess there were some things that even Dee couldn't just come out and say to her after all!

 

“So you had become physically intimate?” she helpfully supplied.

 

His blush grew deeper and he cleared his throat, “Yeah.”

 

“Was it just about the physical?” she asked, probing deeper.

 

“No!” Dee's head shot up and he looked her directly in the eyes. He shook his head violently. “No, it's never been just about the physical! That's not what I wanted from him! Well, it was, but I…” he turned his head away again. “I wanted so much more.”

 

“Like what?”

 

Dee reached out a hand and slowly rotated his now empty mug resting on the table before them. “I wanted….” he said slowly. “I wanted him to want…me.” He looked up at her with sad eyes. “Is that so bad?”

 

“No,” she said. “No, it's not. But what does Ryo want?”

 

Dee dropped his eyes again. “I…don't know anymore.”

 

“Haven't you asked him?”

 

“Yes. I did.”

 

“And what did he say?”

 

Dee stood and walked over to lean near the window, looking out at the street below. “He told me….he loved me,” he said in a quiet voice, almost so low that Mother had to strain to hear him. “We were standing on the Brooklyn Bridge. It was night, the city lights were shining on the water.” In his mind's eyes he replayed that scene out once again. “Ryo told me he loved me, that he wanted to be with me.”

 

“Then what is the problem?” Mother's quiet voice brought Dee back to the present and he looked across to where she still sat quietly. A sense of calm filled the room; it had always been like that with her. It made Dee feel more at peace.

 

“Since then, we've not been able to spend any time together, almost none at all. At least not as a couple. There's always something going on, or something comes up.”

 

“But that is quite normal for most people, Dee, don't you think? Is that really the problem?”

 

Dee leant his hands on the sill, resting his bruised forehead against the glass with closed eyes. The silence hung in the room, pressing down on him. He didn't intend to answer but then found that the word was uttered before he could stop himself, “No.”

 

That single word seemed to act like a breach in the dam and he found himself continuing, “No, that's not the real problem.” He turned to lean his back against the window, not fully looking at Mother. “When he told me he loved me, I thought my heart would burst. It seemed just too good to be true. It had been something I had been wanting and wishing for, for so long, but I had pretty much given up that it would ever actually happen. So when it did, it was just so wonderful. Not the sex, I mean we slept together before he actually told me and that had me really worried at first. But when he said those words, they just completely blew me away, and the look in his eyes when he said it, I really believed him.”

 

“Do you have any doubts now?”

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

 

“Why? Ryo doesn't seem like the sort of person who would lie about such important things.”

 

“I don't think he would either, but I don't think he sees it in the same way.” Dee shrugged a little. “Or he doesn't feel it as much as I do. I mean, this is all completely new to him. I'm his first, I mean the first guy he's been with, so he's never told a guy he loves him before. I don't think he thinks of it the same way as if he was saying it to a girl. Not with that sense of permanent commitment.”

 

“Why do you think that?”

 

Dee slowly walked back to the seat opposite Mother. “He doesn't want to acknowledge that we're together. He wants to hide it.”

 

“No one knows?” Dee shook his head. “Why do you think that is?”

 

“He's scared of their reactions; the people at work, his family.” Dee leant his head back on the back of the lounge staring up at the ceiling. “I spent the weekend with his family. It was the first time I had met them.”

 

“That's important, don't you think?”

 

“Yes, I do, and I was really happy.”

 

“But?”

 

“His aunt made a comment, implying we were together. Ryo outright denied it.”

 

“Ah….”

 

Dee continued to stare upwards. “I sort of understand where he's coming from, I really do. I know it's all new to him, and he's a bit scared by it, but what if he can't get over being scared? Do we try and have some sort of secret relationship, keeping it hidden from everyone? Will we never be able to go out together as a couple, and do all the normal things that two people who are in love can do?”

 

Dee dropped his head to look at Mother. “I want to do so much for him. I want to be able to take him out, and do things with him. I want to be able to bring a smile to his face, to see him light up with delight. I want to take him places that will amaze him and excite him, give him things that he's never had. I want us to be together and be able to do all those things.”

 

“That's not a bad thing.”

 

“But now…now I just feel that he's further away from me than he ever was. He always seems to be thinking or worrying about something, and I hate seeing that expression on his face all the time. I hate to think that I'm the one that's causing it. I want him to be happy when he thinks about me, not be frowning! Every so often he still does something so wonderful, just little things that make me believe that he really does love me, but it seems like he starts to move toward me and then pulls away.”

 

Dee held both hands before him, palm up, looking down at them. “I feel like I'm trying to hold onto water,” He slowly closed his hands into fists, clenching them tightly, “but the harder I try to hold it, it just slips faster through my fingers.” His hands opened and fell loosely to between his knees. “I can't make him stay, I know that, and I wouldn't want him to stay because I had forced him to. I want it to be his choice because he wants to. But if he can't handle it, if he can't cope with being in a relationship with me, then maybe I should just let him go, call it off. I don't think I can live a lie, pretending that there's nothing more between us like before. Not now, not after what he said to me and what we've done.”

 

He looked up again at Mother, and she saw a single tear leak from the corner of Dee's eye, sliding down his cheek. He seemed completely unaware of it. “I was so happy, Mother. Is it so wrong to want to hold onto that, to want to keep it forever?”

 

She smiled lovingly at him, her wounded surrogate son. “No, it's not wrong. But you did say it yourself. It has to be Ryo's decision also.”

 

“I know. I know it is. But I don't know if he can make that decision. It's such a big one for him.”

 

“Can't you wait?”

 

Dee closed his eyes, raising his hands to lean his head in them, elbows on knees. “I…don't know.” he mumbled. “I….don't want to give up. You know that's not in my nature. I've waited till now for him, but I don't know if I can do it again.” He looked up at Mother as more tears ran down his face. “It hurts, Mother,” he almost whispered. “It really hurts - not knowing, not being certain. I don't know if I can do it any longer. I just feel that sometimes Ryo's further away from me now than ever before, as though he's built a fortress around his heart and I'm just so tired of storming the battlements.” It feels like there's just been one too many arrows that have pierced his heart; that physical organ aching in his chest.

 

Mother stood and came round to sit next to him. She slipped an arm around his shoulders drawing his head onto her own. Poor Dee, all his fears about abandonment and rejection were churning inside him. Ryo had touched a part deep in his soul that no-one else had ever managed, and that would make this all the more hurtful.

 

“I…wanted to court Ryo, Mother,” Dee whispered brokenly, and she could feel the dampness of his tears through her habit. “I wanted to woo him and make him see that it wasn't just about sex. I wanted to be able to show him that he had my heart, along with my body. But I feel that we are so far apart now.”

 

“Mother!” A call reverberated out in the corridor and the thump of running feet could be heard. Dee hurriedly sat up and scrubbed a hand over his face, erasing any signs of his tears. A young boy of about 10 years appeared in the doorway.

 

“What is it, James?” Mother asked.

 

“There's a man out in the yard asking if Dee is here.”

 

“Oh?” Mother glanced up at Dee who stood and walked over the window.

 

Looking down he could see a figure there and his heart thumped hard as it turned and he saw it was Ryo. He stood there a moment in silence, then as though sensing his gaze, Ryo looked upwards. Their eyes met across the distance, and Dee almost wept again as a relieved and happy smile lit Ryo's beautiful face.

 

“I think it's time for you to go, my dear,” Mother's quiet voice at his elbow made him turn his head. She smiled at him, raising a hand to gently pat his cheek. “Someone is waiting for you.”

 

He reached out and enclosed her in an embrace, resting his cheek on the top of her head. “Thank you,” he whispered.

 

“This will always be your home when you need it, Dee.”

 

He gave a brief nod and then turned to make his way downstairs to meet his partner.