Fake Fan Fiction ❯ Time for Healing ❯ Losing My Grip ( Chapter 8 )

Disclaimer: We do not own FAKE or its characters. They belong to Sanami Matoh, lucky girl! Any original characters belong to either Irish or Wildefyre. *See Author's Notes at the end for the proper credits and profiles on those.
Warnings: Thus far just Shounen AI but then again that's what FAKE is anyway. It may become Yaoi further along. This may have the guys out of Character somewhat, so Gomen for that and we are taking some creative freedom on histories & backgrounds and lives as they are now... Deal with it! ^_~

Andrew raised his head, smiling, he could hear their laughter down the hall and knew that Ryo and Lyn would be back any moment. Dog earring his book, Andrew set it aside getting slowly to his feet.

"... Seen an elephant in a cherry tree?" Lyn asked as he opened Ryo's door laughing already. Andrew grinned broader, that was his koi's favorite joke.

"No." Ryo replied, giggling already at the sheer silliness of the joke.

"Must be working!" Both men burst out laughing loudly, then clamped their hands over their mouths as Andrew put his finger to his lips, chuckling silently as well.

"Welcome back boys. I think it would be a moot point to ask you if you had fun?"

"Actually this is the best I have felt since this whole nightmare began." Ryo's smile deepened as he gazed down at the two small wonders asleep on his couch. "They're like angels." He sighed softly then looked at Andrew. "I see that my apartment is in tact so I guess Dee and Bikky didn't kill each other or trash the place in a fight."

"No, in fact Bikky can be a real sweet kid when you get past the hard shell... We didn't get to his Science project though. We ended up having a little heart to heart instead and I moved Dee's pills to on top of the fridge..." Andrew paused long, looking over to Lyn a moment, truly not wanting to continue. "And you might want to change the combination on your gun box... or at last move it."

Ryo's smile fell as quickly as his heart. "W-Why? Did Bikky open it? I mean he knows not to touch it and has never done so before?" Then he looked at the girls. "They didn't... I mean..." Ryo found himself shaking as he stood there waiting for answers.

The blond man lay a hand on Ryo's shoulder, glancing again at Lyn who stood nervously waiting for the answers. "No... Dee just made a snide remark but you never can be too careful." Yet a third glace to his lover, it was truly paining him to say this but if he did not and Dee had been serious... the consequences for his silence could be dire.

"What kind of remark?" The color drained from Ryo's face, his heart was hammering madly in his chest to the point that it hurt. "Andrew what did Dee say? Dear God what happened?" His dark eyes were wide with fear and the joyous mood he had been swimming in earlier was torn away.

"Gomen Ryo.... really I don't think it was anything. He had been talking with little hope... I just told him that I was taking the pills off the dresser... and he just said that if he were going to do it he would use a gun..." Andrew was speaking low, nervous now himself. Dee was a flippant kind of guy, maybe he was distressing Ryo so badly over nothing.

"NO! Dammit! DEE!" Ryo quickly pushed past Andrew racing towards the bedroom. He had to be sure that he was okay. Shoving the door open Ryo found Dee lying in the bed, buried under the blankets and quickly went to him.

"Dee?" Ryo shook him. His own hands trembling.

"W-What's going on?" Dee asked, becoming aware of the hands on him, shaking him.

"What the hell are you planning?" Ryo's voice was sharp yet with an edge of panic.

"W-What do you mean?" Dee replied, yawning, still trying to get his bearings while also trying to determine who else was speaking.

"Andrew said that you made a comment about..." His voice started cracking. "About using a gun on yourself." Ryo got off the bed and went to the closet, opening it and with trembling hands attempted to open the safe. Three times he tried and 3 times he failed. "OPEN! God Dammit! OPEN!"

He could feel himself slipping back into the throes of pain and fear, the very same emotions that had surrounded him for weeks now. The nightmare that had started the night he had found Dee unconscious and bloody just seemed to go on and on and right now he couldn't see an end to it.

"Oh that...? Hey if it comes to spending my life like this or ending it... I'd rather end it." Dee spoke as though he was having a normal conversation, a voice void of emotion. "You know me Ryo! You know this isn't the kind of life I'd want to live! Dammit grow up and get over it!"

"WHAT?" Finally Ryo got the safe opened and yanked out his gun, still strapped in its shoulder harness. "Why Dee? How can you say that?"

Dee shrugged sitting up. " I mean, what's the point, everything I have tried to make of my life is now null and void... I can't be a cop any more. I can't help others I can't even help myself so in the end, why bother?"

"Why? You're asking why? And you have the nerve to tell me to grow up? You want a reason to go on? Well try these on for size! You have people who love you that's why! You have me, you have Bikky! You have Penguin! You have friends! You have Drew and Lyn who have opened their hearts to us! You have a life that's good and still can be if you'd just try! Doesn't that count for anything?" Ryo was shaking as he emptied his gun of the ammo and then placed the gun back in the safe, taking the bullets and shoving them into his jean pocket.

"Yeah a life filled with darkness and the outlook that it'll never get better! Some life!" Dee retorted, knowing it was hurting Ryo but not really caring at the moment.

"What about you Dee? What about us? Are you willing to throw all that away? Are you ready to throw away everything we have gained thus far? Well? Are you?" Tears began streaming down Ryo's cheeks as he closed the closet door and turned to his partner. "Why Dee? Dear god why?"

"There is no us Ryo. I won't be another charity case. I've been a charity case most of my life and I'm through with it. Bikky was right, I do nothing but put you in danger. I put you in situations that get you hurt. Hell I shot you. I mean seriously Ryo..." Dee shook his head crossing his arms. "I'm just fucking done with it. I will move back to the orphanage tomorrow. Seems fitting somehow."

Dee shook his head, then in a sudden violent movement swept everything off the bedside table next to him. "FUCK ALL OF THIS!" He yelled loud enough to rattled the walls. Annie who Lyn and Andrew had been carefully putting into her jacket awoke with a scream.

"Dee NO! Don't do this please? We can work through this... It will get better." Ryo was shaking uncontrollably and quickly went to the bed. "Ai shiteru Dee... itsumo! Ai shiteru!" Ryo reached out to touch Dee only to have Dee lash out with his arm catching him in the head and sending him to the floor.

"Get away from me! I don't love you! Just stay away!" Dee shouted at him, his emotions boiling forth, burning in his heart. "You don't need me! You and Bikky don't need a liability!"

"We do need you Dee and I do need you so does Bikky." Ryo felt his heart shattering in that instant. "Please Dee... It will get better you'll see... It will." Ryo knelt on the floor, his arms wrapping around himself as he rocked back and forth on his knees.

"Don't be such a baby Ryo. God! I don't buy any of it so just shut up and let me go to sleep."

Lyn stood in the doorway, watching listening, wanting to interfere but... this... this was for Ryo and Dee to figure out. "Ryo if you need anything, anything at all, don't hesitate to call, no matter what time it is." Lyn said quietly before stepping out and gently shutting the door, peeking in on Bikky who had thankfully managed to sleep through Dee's shouting. Then taking his daughters in his arms, Lyn left, Andrew in tail, unsure of what else to do.

Silently Ryo stood, numbed by Dee's words as he walked to the doorway. Giving Dee one last glance he shut the door and walked into the living room. Sitting down on the couch he grabbed one of the pillows and held it tightly, burying his face in it in order to muffled the strangled sobs now retching from his throat. It was too much to take, too painful to think about... He found himself wishing for some sort of comfort but there was none to be had. No one there to console him, no one there to smooth over the pain that pierced his heart. No one to reassure him that better days lay ahead. No there was no one... This time he had to deal with it alone... No one could help him.

The door creaked open softly and Lyn slid in as quiet as a shadow. He sat down next to Ryo carefully perched on the edge of the couch, nervous and uncomfortable. He had gotten the girls into the car with Andrew but worried about his friends, knowing Ryo badly needed support, even from only a very new friend he had returned. Carefully he lay a hand on Ryo's back, remaining silent for there were no words of comfort to be spoken, his heart hurt for Ryo.

"What do I do now...?" Ryo's voice was weak, accepting the friendship that Lyn offered. "It hurts Lyn... It hurts so much."

"I know. I know." Lyn whispered softly, putting his arms around Ryo's shoulders. There was simply nothing else to be said.

Ryo buried his face into Lyn's shoulder, his hands clutching the material of his shirt and he cried. He cried harder then he had ever done before. The pain ripping through his soul. "I love him... Oh god I love him..." Ryo repeated. It was too much, his mind and body began to slowly shut down.

"Shhh, Shhh" Lyn rubbed his back in a weak attempt at comfort, rocking him as he held Ryo so cut to the quick. Ready to kill Dee himself. "Shhh Ryo." It was all the words he had for him. There was nothing that could ease his pain. No words, nor herbs or medicine. He just held Ryo letting the man cry out his heart.

Ryo found the comfort he needed yet it did nothing to soothe the pain, it couldn't. His world was crashing down around him and there wasn't anything he seemed to be able to do to stop it. Finally his body couldn't take it and the swirl of blackness hit, slamming him down and into its darkened depths. He vaguely remembered calling out, no... shouting out Dee's name as he submitted to the blackness, his fight for now finished.

With a soft and heart weary sigh Lyn stretched Ryo out on the couch covering him gently with a blanket, checking his pulse carefully just to be sure it was simply the stress of the moment that had claimed him. He tucked Ryo in tenderly then peeked in on Bikky once more, tiptoeing in to smooth a lock of blond hair from his brow then finally he looked in on Dee listening to his breathing.

"I hope that you heard every word and tear of that, you bastard. Damnu ort! Damn you..." He whispered the Irish curse softly before closing the door. He understood Dee's pain... but this... this was simply too far. Shaking his head he slipped on his jacket and borrowing Dee's house key stepped out into the hall locking the door behind him.

Dee lay there, his own tears wetting his pillow. "Yeah I heard and it hurts just as much, you prick." Clutching Ryo's pillow to him, Dee silently cried himself to sleep. He had made his decision and now he had to live with it.

Lyn walked home through the slightly calmer New York streets, the subways ran but at this time of night they were possibly more dangerous then the streets and Lyn wanted to walk. He too was numb with the backlash of Ryo's pain. It took him a half an hour to talk across town and he slipped into their house quietly, not even disturbing the large Great Dane that kept watch vigilantly... despite the fact that he was more apt to lick an intruder to death before actually doing any harm.

"Good boy Duke." Lyn whispered softly dropping to his knees and petting the gentle giant, a small smile coming to his lips as Duke greeted him with a sloppy kiss. "Now now, Drew will be jealous." Lyn wrapped his arms around the mutt giving him a tight squeeze before finding his feet again and heading upstairs to the master bedroom, pausing to look in on his sleeping children. Annie rolled over fitfully and he went to her crib.

".... And maybe there is a God above, then all I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who out drew you and it's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light, it's a cold and its a broken hallelujah, hallelujah hallelujah...." Lyn let the song trail from his lips as he leaned down and kissed Annie's forehead softly before continuing into the room he shared with Andrew.

Moving silently in the dark of his familiar home he slipped off his shoes, then his tie and shirt finally stripping down to bear skin he padded over to the dresser and pulled out a pair of flannel pants and slipped them on.

"How is he?" Andrews voice almost startled Lyn, he had just assumed his lover was fast asleep.

"Not well....not well..." Lyn climbed into the large four poster bed he shared with Andrew, sliding under the covers and going straight to his lover's arms, resting his head against Andrew's chest.

"I wish that there was something more that we could do."

"I know... I know...." Lyn took a deep calming breath as Andrew's fingers combed through his hair.

"An?"

"Yeah baby?"

"You would never do that to me would you? Push me away like that?" Lyn's voice was soft, a hint of raw emotion wobbling his words.

"God... no, no baby, I would never, ever do that to you. I love you sweetie, never doubt that." Lyn smiled satisfied as he planted a kiss on Andrew's chest.

"I don't doubt it... Ta gra agam duit An. I love you."

Ryo awoke with a start, taking several long minutes to orientate himself before realizing what had happened. His heart was heavy with grief as he pried himself from the cold comfort of the couch. Padding his way back to the bedroom, he checked in on Bikky and then on Dee.

Slipping silently into the room. The sound of Dee's soft snore caused the pain to intensify and he slapped a hand over his mouth to keep himself from crying out. Slowly he found a clean set of clothes in the still darkened room and went to the bathroom.

The shower did nothing to ease the weariness or clear his mind and so he finished quickly. Dressing in jeans and his favorite purple and white stripped shirt before making his way to the kitchen. Food was out of the question, his appetite was nowhere to be found and so tea would be his meal of the morning.

His thoughts kept trudging back to the scene of the night before, playing over and over in his mind like some bad movie you wish you would have avoided. Dee was leaving him and he didn't know how to stop him. The love he had given to his partner was being tossed aside, his heart trampled under the feet of loneliness.

Standing with his back to the doorway, Ryo waited for the water to boil. His cup, the one Dee had given to him as a joke, sat on the counter. 'Let's get one things straight... I'm not!' in white letters was cast against the bright blue ceramic. Ryo tried to still shaky hands as he rested them on the counter. He was through with crying. There were no more tears to shed... At least that's what he thought.

A noise behind him alerted him to the other presence yet he refused to turn and face it. That would be a fatal mistake. If he looked into those eyes just once he would be lost forever. "I-I'll get your breakfast started." Ryo spoke softly yet his voice held little emotion other then the quiver of a heart in mourning.

He could hear Ryo stopping his movements, hear the pain in his voice. He steeled himself for what he had to do. He had deserved Lyn's last jab last night, he was bastard, in fact, he was worse. But what they didn't understand was that he was doing this because he loved Ryo, loved him so much that it hurt, loved him so much that he would give him up.

"Fine. I will call Mother after breakfast." His tone was dead and neutral. For now he was almost grateful for his dark shelter. If he had to look at Ryo, see those tear filled dark eyes, see those perfect elegant hands shake.... Thank god Bikky wasn't up yet, with any luck he could be gone before the brat was up.

"Just answer one question for me Dee." Ryo paused and took a deep breath. The sorrow was turning to anger, he could feel it searing through him. "Did I ever mean anything to you?" He clenched his fists. "Did I?"

Dee was dying inside. Never had he denied himself, his feelings his love like this... but it was the only way to push Ryo away. "No. Of course not." He shrugged aiming for nonchalant. "I just wanted to get you in bed and that's obviously not going to happen so..."

"You bastard! You god damned son of a bitch!" Ryo was fighting against the anger but like everything else lately, his emotions were winning over his logic. "I finally find the courage to give you my heart and you never wanted it! My virginity... That's all that mattered to you!" Ryo spun around knowing Dee couldn't see him and hating him for that.

"You're a coward Dee! A lousy chicken shit coward!" Ryo spat out the profanity like it was nothing.

Dee forced another shrug... God forgive him for what he was doing. "Oh don't be such a romantic Ryo. You've just been playing hard to get." Dee ran a hair through his dark locks, leaning back against the wall. "Besides... this whole virginity thing was probably just an act... just a tease."

"You knew me Dee! You knew that I had only slept with one other person. She and I met in college... It just happened but it left me feeling empty. It wasn't until I met you that I started realizing why! I knew that if I wanted to feel whole it would be by your hands! Dammit Dee! Can't you see what I'm saying?" Ryo felt his heart, what was left of it, shredding.

"I could never love anyone like I love you! Why do you want to throw what we have away? Why?" Ryo didn't care anymore that he was screaming at Dee, his heart was in too much pain to care about such trivial things at the moment. "How the fuck can you act so casual about it? I'm just glad now that I didn't give in to my desires! I wouldn't have been anything more then a fucking whore to you!" Ryo was building to a full head of steam, the moment was coming when he would explode fully and he waited for it, almost wanting to feel its fury.

Dee forced a brittle laugh. "What do you mean throw away what 'we' have. We don't have jack Ryo. Not a damn thing! It's not my fault that you got attached so easily." Dee's whole chest was tight and he almost hoped that Ryo would do something stupid and violent, then this whole nightmare would be over. Dee wasn't scared of hell. He was already living it. "And I pay for my whores baby!"

"You fucking son of a bitch!" That was it... The words ripped through Ryo's soul. His hand reached for something, anything to take the place of the images Dee could not see. His fingers grasped the handle of his mug. clutching it tightly.

"Then go on and get out! Live your self centered self pitied life! You're not worth my time and effort anymore! I hate your fucking guts!" The ceramic mug went sailing through the air, crashing against the wall just inches from Dee's head. What Ryo didn't see in his blind Rage was Bikky who had come to check on the commotion. While the mug missed Dee, it just barely missed Bikky. Shards of ceramic flew into his hair, a small piece cutting a flawless cheek. Ryo stood there in shock, his mouth moving yet no sound was made.

Bikky blinked, a dazed hand coming to touch his bloodied cheek as tears filled his blue eyes. "R-R-Ryo?"

"Oh God what have I done?" Ryo felt his body shaking and tears beginning to sting his eyes. "I-I'm so sorry Bikky! Oh God!" He moved towards Bikky who starting to back up in fear.

"I'm s-sorry... L-Let me help you." Ryo tried to calm the raging storm still swirling within him.

Bikky shook his head tears now spilling over his dark cheeks as he turned and fled to his room. Dee was shocked by what he heard. "Ryo? What did you do to Bikky?"

"The mug.. It cut him! I hurt him! Oh god I hurt him!" Ryo's mind was too cluttered, too many things were filling it. "I have to get out... I have to get out!" He was in a near panic now as he raced past Dee, the knot tightening his stomach. Running from the apartment he headed out onto the street, rain pouring in droves from the skies above.

If he stayed he may have done something else he would regret. He needed to talk to someone, needed comfort and a shoulder. There was only one place to go... With no protection from the chill or rain, he headed to the one place that he hoped he could find a calming voice.

"Please be home Lyn... Oh God I need your help."

W ildefyre: Waaaa! I know... I know... That was just plain old mean of us! I have got to say that the more I work on the story with Irish the more I like the original Characters that Irish has developed. Lyn is becoming my kind of guy. I think Irish and have concluded that as far as looks go... Lyn is a cross between Aoishi from Ruroini Kenshin and Riki from Ai no Kusabi! Hey that's not too shabby a profile if I do say so myself! And think of Iason from ANK if you want to picture Drew in your mind... YUMMY! Go here: http://www.ainokusabi.com if you want to know what these guys look like.

Irish: Boy, I've had a hell of hard time picking lyrics for these last couple chapters so many seem to fit I have too many songs I want to use... In the lyrics I replaced the word Chick with Dick, because they obviously rhyme and have the same number of syllables, so the gender was appropriate for the story. So where it says Dick, the word is actually chick. The language Lyn is speaking, in case you weren't sure, is Irish Gaelic, spoken by something like ¼ the population of Ireland... and something like only 2% speak it as a native tongue. Lyn is one of those 2%. This is actually one of my favorite chapters so far. Hang in there guys, the angst only increases from here, but I promise it's going somewhere.