Fake Fan Fiction ❯ Time for Healing ❯ Best Forgotten ( Chapter 11 )

Disclaimer: We do not own FAKE or its characters. They belong to Sanami Matoh, lucky girl! Any original characters belong to either Irish or Wildefyre. *See Author's Notes at the end for the proper credits and profiles on those.
Warnings: Thus far just Shounen AI but then again that's what FAKE is anyway. It may become Yaoi further along. This may have the guys out of Character somewhat, so Gomen for that and we are taking some creative freedom on histories & backgrounds and lives as they are now... Deal with it! ^_~

"Dee, you okay man?" Andrew asked, the concern evident in his voice.

Dee was trembling now. "I-I haven't b-been back s-since that d-day. T-The one thing about b-being encased in darkness is that you can't stop the images that flood your mind. They're always there." Wrapping his arms around himself Dee started shaking harder. "I see it all like some sick movie. I can hear her calling me a fag and telling me how disgusting and sick I am. The worst thing is..."

Dee brought his arm up to cover his face, hiding eyes that were misting up. "I can feel her touching me! She thought that she could change me, make me go straight by showing me how 'good' it was with a women. She had her hands all over me and I was powerless to stop her."

Andrew rested a hand on his friend's back. "It's okay Dee. It's okay. She's not here to hurt you now." Andrew's voice was quieter then usual as he tried to bring Dee into focus. "Take deep breaths and focus on something else. Tell me another memory, a good one."

"I can't Drew... It's stuck in my head. I never said anything to anyone. The only place that it's detailed is in my statement and I requested that it be kept from Ryo." Dee trembled more, his voice shaking along with his body.

"She kept touching me. I couldn't move dammit. I couldn't make her stop! I tried, God how I tried!" Tears began to stream down Dee's face as he stood there trying to stay on his feet. "She took that damned baseball bat to my ankle after she realized that I couldn't get it up! I may be Bi and I may get aroused from a man or woman's touch but all I kept seeing was Ryo and how I couldn't betray his love for me. I felt so ashamed, so damned filthy! And now I can't get that feeling of her hands on me out of my mind... Dammit I just want to forget it! Why won't it go away?"

"I'm sorry Dee. I'm sorry." Andrew said softly, rubbing his back. He didn't know what else to say or what else to do but Dee needed some sort of solace and Andrew searched to find it. "There was nothing that you could have done to stop it Dee. You said that yourself. It's not your fault. You love Ryo, and he's the only person that you want. Given the circumstances I don't think anyone could have gotten it up."

"That's why I hate this darkness Andrew. It keeps those memories right here." Dee rested his fingers against his brow. "They're right here and they haunt me. If I could just see Ryo's face. Just for a moment then I'd have a better memory to take its place... If I could just for a second..." Dee's body shook as the waves of tears flowed forth. "My god if Ryo knew all of this what would he think of me? I was weak. I can't taint him Drew. I can't do that to him. OH GOD!" Dee punched the wall out of frustration.

"Whoa, whoa." Andrew said softly, stopping Dee's hand before it struck again. "If Ryo knew... If Ryo knew he would probably take you in his arms and hold you and do everything in his power to make it better. You weren't weak you were drugged. There wasn't a damn thing that you could have done differently Dee. You are who you are. You love who you love. It wasn't your fault. Ryo knows that."

"I can't tell him but he has a right to know. Once she's caught I'll have to testify. It'll come out then. I don't want it to happen like that but I don't know how to tell him." Dee stayed against the wall trying to keep himself from losing it even more. "I know now that part of me was pushing him away because I feared him seeing the truth and I was worried about what he'd think. I may act like Mr. Macho at times but I have my share of insecurities, especially when it comes to Ryo. I feel like such a dork at times when I'm around him. He's sophistication and class while I'm just your average street punk raised by a nun and a cop."

"I can understand that. It took me months to tell Lyn what had happened. I mean he had a general idea because he had read the police report but it took me a long time to talk about it. Just give him the play by play when you're ready. And you'll be lucky to testify in court. Ninety percent of the time they don't catch these freaks." Andrew's voice held an edge to it as he stooped down to pick up the keys.

"Ready to go in or you need another minute?"

"Could you open the door for me please? My hands are shaking too much." Dee asked, trying to move himself from the wall with his whole body shaking.

"Of course." Andrew put the key in the lock and turned it, opening the door. Taking Dee's elbow, he waited for Dee to make the first move. He wasn't going to force him, instead he waited, giving him whatever time he needed.

Dee stepped through the door and stopped dead in his tracks. He could smell the faint scent of blood and it was making the knot in his stomach tighten. "O-Oh god. It was right over there that I was found." He pointed his cane in the direction. "My God! Ryo had to have been going crazy. I can still smell the blood in this room. I can still feel her touching me dammit!" Dee was fighting with himself, trying not to lose it all together. God only knew how much of that he had been doing lately. Never had he felt so weak or so alone as he did now. He was completely out of character now, left to a world of darkness and an uncertain future.

"Dee you need to get a grip." Andrew said gently. "Take slow deep breaths. Here try this." Drew took Dee's hand and placed a small drop of a very fragrant lotion on the tips of his fingers. "Spread that just under your nose. It'll help. It's what I do when I change diapers."

"I forgot about that. We use Vicks when investigating certain crime scenes." Dee smiled a little. "Got anything to get make the feel of that bitch's hands on me go away? That I could really use right about now. The... The last time Ryo and I were sort of fooling around he was touching me and all I could feel was her. I was too ashamed to tell him. Instead I made the excuse that I had to go take a leak. I didn't want to hurt his feelings but I most likely did anyway." Dee hung his head down.

He tried to make another attempt at pulling it together, Dee knew that he had to. He knew that if he was ever going to get through this he had to take this step and everyone after that with as much confidence as he could muster.

"Um well...? My suggestion was going to be some sheet time with Ryo but I guess that's out..." Blushes as he had a thought hoping that it might work. "Maybe ah... a little, ah...private time with yourself might be the first step... if you catch my drift."

Dee cocked his head to the side, a small 'devil may come' smile spread across his face. "Do I detect a bit of shyness? Come on man... You can't be serious can you? You're afraid to tell me to go jerk off?" Dee started laughing hysterically. "Even Ryo has gotten over that point... He tells me that whenever I lean into him and whisper to him that I'm horny."

Andrew laughed. "All right then, as Lyn would say... Go slag off." Still chuckling and shaking his head. "Moral of the story? It might be a good start."

Dee sighed softly. "Or it could make matters worse... Especially if I can't get my gun to shoot. In other words, been there done that and... Got the frigging t-shirt! As a consolation prize. You're not a winner, please try again!" Dee started walking forward, seeing the layout of his apartment in his mind. "I need a beer! God do I need a beer! And a cigarette. If I can't have the beer then please, for the love of god and my sanity, help me find my cigarettes. I know I had extra packs around here somewhere."

"Yeah all right. And I don't think that they award t-shirts for that." Andrew looked around the apartment for an extra pack, all ready taking Lyn's Zippo out of his pocket. "Ah, here they are." Andrew crossed the room and picked up a crumpled pack. "You able to light this yourself home fry?"

"There are 3 things that I can accomplish in the dark.... Making love, taking a whiz and lighting this baby!" Dee smirked as well as he could while holding the cigarette between his lips and lighting it. Taking a long drag, he let the smoke out slowly. "Sometimes it's better then an orgasm." He grinned.

"Okay time to find some other clothes. The ones that I had at Ryo's were getting boring. I will need help with that. You can't exactly feel colors and I don't want to look like I got dressed in the dark while piss assed drunk."

"All right I think I can handle that. And in the future do yourself a favor, don't ever, EVER tell Ryo that a cigarette is better then sex or you'll be sleeping on the couch for a week, I promise." Andrew found his way back to Dee's bedroom. "You tell me what you want and I will find it but you're packing it." Andrew said as he surveyed the room.

Dee fumbled around on the table until he found his ashtray. "Jeans, I have to have my jeans... there are several black ones I like and they should be in the closet. And..." Dee stopped talking a moment. "There's a white thin cable knit sweater hanging in there. I'd like that too just as a comfort. It's too warm to wear it but Ryo gave that to me for Christmas last year, so we'd have matching sweaters. As corny as it sounds, I found it romantic."

"You have matching sweaters?" Andrew asked, incredulous. "That's it! No one ever gets to call Lyn and I dorks, ever again." Andrew shook his head, laughing, as he set the ascribed clothes on Dee's bed. "All right what else?"

"I can get my own shorts and socks... Uhm a few t-shirts please. Some are a little naughty but what the hell." Dee's grinned a little. "Also a few dressier shirts would be nice. Just grab a few I guess." Dee grabbed underwear and socks from the drawers. He had an open wall unit against the one wall in his bedroom with shelves and drawers in it that he used instead of a dresser and now was thankful for it. He knew where everything was by touch. "Guess I won't need these." He tossed two thongs aside.

"Unless you wear butt floss for fun, probably not." Andrew pulled out a few of the requested items folding them and setting them on the bed. "Any CDs or videos that you want?"

"Yeah grab a few CD's from the shelf over there. I like everything that's there so just pick and choose. The videos won't do me any good so scrap them." Dee found that refolding some of the stuff wasn't so easy and it started frustrating him. "Damn! I can't do this! Son of a bitch!" He tossed the articles aside, angry and hurt.

"Yes you can. Just take it slow." Andrew picked up the offending articles and handed them back patiently. "I am not your uke and I will not fold your clothes." He said with a smile as he moved over to the CD wrack and selected a few disks.

"Now wait a minute! Are you implying that people like Ryo who do things like that are uke? That they're submissive little things whose sole job is to please and lay there begging for it? You make it sound like it's a fucking crime to fold someone else's wash. Let me guess! You make Lyn do it all huh? I bet that he's your little uke who cooks and cleans and kisses the boo boos... And begs for you!" Dee was greatly offended by the statement and defending Ryo with all he had was the least that he could do.

"Well let me tell you something Mr. Darling! Ryo is not a woman... He's more man then I'll ever be! So watch what you say unless you want your teeth knocked down your throat!" Dee was getting tired plus his knees were hurting so badly now that he was using all his strength to stay on his feet.

Andrew laughed softly shaking his head, little did Dee know... "You're really so sure that Lyn is uke? Sit down and I will fold your clothes. Don't get you boxers in a bunch." Andrew nudged Dee in the general direction of the bed. "Believe me I am well aware that being uke does not mean being the woman."

"Okay now I'm totally confused..." Dee sighed and sat down. "From what I have heard, since I can't see, Lyn seems to be... well like Ryo. You on the other hand act like you eat nails for a living. Yeah that's stereotyping and I'm sorry but I'm just not thinking straight right now." Dee rubbed his knees. The braces were still there to keep his knees strong but they hurt at times. "Man they hurt like hell."

"Now who's ascribing gender roles to sexual position? And yes believe me my knees do to. And they will for a long time." Andrew continued with a sigh. "Lyn tends to be Seme. The reason he has the kids most of the time and does most of the housework is because I can't. Not that I'm about to tie on an apron and start baking cookies and making his lunches. But Lyn is the breadwinner. Before I got queer bashed we split things right down the middle..." Andrew zipped up the duffle bag that contained Dee's clothes and toiletries slipping it over his shoulder and getting his crutch under him.

"All right we are good to go whenever you're ready."

Dee took the duffle bag and slipped it over his shoulder instead. "I can hear that you're hurting a little. I don't need my eyes to carry something."

"All right but don't be afraid to hand it back off if you get too tired." Andrew made his way out of the apartment handing Dee's his key's to lock the door again.

"Does that ever bother you? The fact that you can't provide and protect the ones that you love like you once could? I-I thought about that one a lot. Not that police work pays a lot but still it's better than working at McDonalds..."

Andrew paused, thinking over his answer. "Yeah I do. I mean Lyn has always made more money then me but I used to be able to take care of the kids more. I used to be the one who did most of the handiwork. Stuff like that. I mean it hurts my heart to be sitting at the kitchen table not really able to move because my legs hurt too bad while Lyn balances a kid on each hip cooks dinner and fixes the hinge on the cupboard drawer. All while he chatters on the phone about his latest case"

"It sucks, you know. I can't do any of that shit. I used to do work around my apartment but now I can't. Let's face it, no matter how much I learn to do for myself, I will always need someone with me to do things that are impossible to do while blind. I can't read my frigging mail. I can't fill out a check. This kills me. I have always been independent and now..." Dee frowned and stopped walking.

"That's why I have to leave him. I can't be the person I once was. No matter how well I get. I'll always be different." Sighing sadly he turned to lock the door to his apartment.

"I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm just glad that I don't share your opinion or I would be a very lonely unhappy man." Once Dee's hands found the lock and turned the mechanism Andrew started for the stairs, glaring at them spitefully. "At least down is easier."

"Let's check the elevator. Maybe we'll get lucky this time. They were supposed to have it running by now. Ryo had checked awhile back and actually cussed the supp out. It's funny as shit to hear him swear." Dee sighed again and then stiffened. The smell of perfume hit his nose. Its scent more familiar then he'd like. "Drew? Are we alone?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"T-That scent? Can't you smell it? I know that smell! I'll never forget it." Dee started shaking. "She's here...!" Dee started heading down the hall. "Where the hell is it coming from? WHERE? Where the hell is she? You bitch! Show yourself!"

"Quiet!" Andrew snapped as he froze straining to hear beyond the noise Dee was making. He listened harder... was that the click of a heel on the stairs...? No, there was nothing there. "Dee no one is here, not now anyway. Other women might wear that perfume." Andrew said calmly.

"No! It was her! Oh Jesus. Get me out of here! Just get me out of here!" Had he had his sight, panic would never have come into play but as it stood he felt exposed and vulnerable and he hated that more than anything.

"I hear the elevator... I can hear the whir... Drew! Where are you?" Dee's hands were frantically searching for the arm he had come to view as a safety factor. "Help!"

Drew gently took Dee's fumbling hand and placed it into the crook of his elbow. "It's okay I was only about five feet away. And of course the elevator is coming up, you hit the button. Take a deep breath Dee." Andrew took his own advice trying not to let Dee's panic catch. Dee didn't see how bad he limped, didn't know how useless he really was and thought it best to keep it that way. "We're fine Dee."

"Dammit! Without my sight I'm useless! I can't do my job anymore Drew... I can't be a cop!" Dee clutched his cane tightly, knuckles whitening. "I can't protect Ryo... Or Bikky anymore. What good am I? I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to spend my life needing someone like this... It's too demeaning."

"You don't need anyone Dee. There is no reason you can't fully adapt to this. No reason. It's not like most blind people have nursemaids or someone living with them. If you would stop saying 'I can't' you might find that you can. I'm serious Dee." Andrew stepped into the elevator pulling Dee after him and pushing the button for the lobby. Dee stood there, against the wall, still shaken over the whole experience. He closed his eyes and tried to still his wildly beating heart as he listened to Drew talk.

"Learning to read Braille will help. And no you can't be a cop anymore but you can probably still be involved with the legal system. Not like you have any choice, we're not going to let you kill yourself. Besides. Catholic go to hell if they commit suicide." Andrew explained, hoping against hope that he was getting through to Dee.

"Isn't that where I'm at all ready? In my own little hell? Do you know what being a cop means to me? It's my life! Ever since Jess was killed it's all I have ever wanted to do. It's like someone telling you that you can't be a dad anymore or you can't love Lyn anymore. They're such an integral part of your life that you'd whither up and die without them. That's how I feel about police work and Ryo..." Dee leaned against the wall, blinking back tears. "It's not like I'm a practicing Catholic anyway so if I killed myself I won't be damned to hell... I'll just go there naturally."

"Don't let Penguin hear you say that or your ass is grass. You can still love Ryo but you're choosing to push him away. And martial arts was the one thing I always did well. I don't have that any more and yeah it sucks and yeah I've still got a large hole to fill with out that. Doesn't mean I'm ready to lay down and die though." Andrew led Dee around to the passenger side of the car and even went so far as to open the door for him before sliding behind the steering wheel. "I'm truly sorry that you've lost one of the things that you love Dee, I am. But I'm not about to let you just throw in the towel and Ryo sure as hell isn't going to either."

"Martial arts huh? Ryo is big on that. I have seen him take lots of criminals down with little to no effort. He always amazes me you know? He's a sharp shooter, impressed the hell out of me the first time I ever saw him fire a gun. Shot this perp's gun right out of his hand. I mean yeah he placed a bomb in an attic above the room Bikky and I were being held captive in but damn that guy never fails to amaze me. I sometimes feel that I'm not good enough for him and now being like this... I feel that even more." Dee put on his seatbelt and slumped down into his seat, dabbing at his eyes with the heels of his palms.

"You're good enough Dee." Andrew's voice was quiet and understanding as he gave Dee's arm a squeeze before starting up the car and pulling into traffic.

'Yeah you can say it but I need to believe it and right now... I don't.' Dee thought to himself as he felt the car moving along.

W ildefyre: I'll say this again... The characters WILL be out of character at times, so please keep that in mind while reading this. Irish and I have never misled you guys into thinking we were doing a Canon story... We are taking creative freedom with this and will continue to do so. If that bothers you then I am sorry. We do try and listen to you guys and fix what you think is wrong or not on par with the story but we have to write what we feel is best for us... Try and understand kudasai.

One other thing... I have no problem with negative criticism but please if you are going to do that, then leave an email address so that I or with this story, Irish and I can defend and/or explain myself/ourselves. I don't think that that's too much to ask of you. Our Author's notes and review columns shouldn't be wasted on that and readers shouldn't have to deal with it either.

Irish: Also, remember we chose to deviate from the manga's ending. Dee Ryo and Bikky are going to change and evolve as they always have but with a new set of circumstances that are going to give them a new outlook on life. We are aiming for them to act like real people. Not just 2D characters. Anyway, Lyn and Andrew's back-story is partial posted on my site. Enjoy ;)