Fan Fiction / Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Movie Rip-offs, Act I: Bite Me (The Princess Bride, Yu Yu Style) ❯ Benji's in Love, Hiei's A Whack Job ( Chapter 9 )

 

Erik sighed. “As entertaining as this is, I really must intervene.” He sighed, grabbed Berkley by the back of the shirt, and set him on the dock. Benji fell face-first onto the dock. Erik sighed and began CPR. “Freaks…”

 

—Meanwhile, on the beach—

 

The men all ran off to find areas of interest. Mr. Greeley and Mr. Straloch hurried into the nearest bar, Mikail ran into a seafood restaurant to see if he could talk his way into kitchens, and Sebastian ran to the nearest woman.

 

That was when something…rather surprising happened. Things began to move in slow motion as he took her by the waist and swung her around in the air, Then her husband came over and things got ugly.

 

“Geeeeet ooooff myyyy wiiiiife!” the husband guy yelled, backhanding Sebastian across the face.

 

“Noooooo!” Sebastian yelled in reply, retaliating with a punch to the guy's jaw.

 

“Booooooys….stooooop!” the woman screamed.

 

—On the Dock—

 

Erik finally revived Benji a few minutes later, and the temporary captain stood and grabbed Berkley by the shirt collar. “YOU ALMOST KILLED ME, YOU MORON!!!”

 

“Uh…Benji?”

 

Benji turned when Erik tapped his shoulder, dropping Berkley onto the deck. “What?” he snapped.

 

“Look…”

 

He did, and blinked. “What the hell…?”

 

“Since when can Sebastian make things move in slow motion?”

 

“Since now, apparently.”

 

“Interesting.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Berkley grumbled as he got up off the deck, rubbing his head. “My Hugglebunny is so mean to me…” Then his eyes brightened when he spotted a group of men standing over near the docks, and he started to walk away.

 

“Berkley! You almost killed me, so you owe me! Now get over here and take inventory!”

 

“Huh? Oh, you can take care of that, Benny…” And Berkley wandered off in the direction of the group he had his eye on.

 

“MY NAME IS BENJI! CAPTAIN BENJI TO YOU! GET BACK HERE!”

 

“Never mind him,” Erik said, his eyes twinkling. “I'll help you with inventory…Captain Benji.”

 

Benji glared at his friend. “Never mind, I'll—”

 

But Benji suddenly cut himself off, staring at an area by the bar that Mr. Greeley and Mr. Straloch had gone into earlier. There, a group of children were learning a dance step from a red-haired man, who was laughing and dancing along with them.

 

“Benji?” Erik waved a hand in front of Benji's face. “Ben?” When he hadn't gotten an answer after about three minutes, he sighed and admitted defeat. “Fine, I'm going to get food, and then I'll be back to take inventory.”

 

Long after Erik had gone, Benji stood in that spot and stared. It wasn't him. It couldn't be.

 

After about five more minutes, the redhead looked up and spotted Benji on the docks, watching him. Smiling, he waved energetically and, not receiving a reply, shrugged and turned back to the children, trying to ignore the voice in his head that insisted the stranger looked familiar.

 

It took another few minutes for Benji to convince himself that he wasn't seeing things, and even then he had to convince himself to go over and talk to the redhead.

 

Oh, look, Benji thought, the dock isn't there, anymore. I must be moving….

 

And quite suddenly, he found himself standing right behind the redhead that was causing him so much conflict. “M-Miguel?”

 

The red head froze.

 

“Are… are you Miguel Sanchez?” Benji asked in Spanish.

 

No answer, but the redhead stood up very slowly and turned around. “Why don't you all go back to your parents?” he said to the children, not taking his eyes off Benji. He, too, spoke Spanish.

 

The children ran off, leaving them alone.

 

“It is you….”

 

The man- who, it appeared, was Miguel- blinked. “Benji….” It wasn't a question. “You…. look good.”

 

The absurdity of the statement was almost enough to make Benji laugh. “That's…. all? That's all you have to say? You haven't seen me in ten years and you tell me I look good?” And then he did laugh. “You haven't changed a bit, Miguel.”

 

Miguel blushed. “Wh… what are doing back in Cuba?”

 

 

“I…. my crew, we…. I didn't know you were still in Cuba, or I never would have come. Miguel, I swear…. We'll go, okay? As soon as we've sold some stuff and gotten some money together, we'll-”

 

“Benji…. don't. Just…” But Miguel couldn't get the words out, and for lack of a better way to communicate he leaned up and kissed Benji, very gently. “Remember our promise?” he asked softly as he pulled away.

 

“That you would be my first kiss?”

 

“And vice versa.” Smiling, Miguel kissed Benji again. “Promise fulfilled.”

 

Benji started. “You…. waited? All this time?”

 

Miguel nodded. “I knew you'd be back. I always knew.”

 

“….I waited, too.” Benji smiled and placed his hands on Miguel's waist. “?Why does this not fell awkward at all?”

 

“I have no idea. It just feels…. right.”

 

“This is weird I mean, I step off a ship to a home that I haven't returned to in ten years, I see first guy I ever fell in love with, and next thing you know…. It's like I never left. It's just…. impossible.”

 

“Impossibly perfect.”

 

“Like a dream.”

 

“I've dreamt it before.”

 

Benji smiled and took Miguel's hand. “Come on.”

 

“Where?”

 

“Walk with me…. we have plenty of time to really…. Start something, you know? Right now I just…. want to talk to you.”

 

Miguel smiled and nodded, giving Benji's hand a squeeze, and they walked slowly towards the bench and away from the bar.

 

~Later, in the bar~

 

“So that's it? That's why you took to the seas?” Erik asked, talking a long drink from his beer mug. “ Because of Miguel?”

 

 

“Yeah, I thought you knew,” Benji replied.

 

“Well, there was speculation among the crew, but….”

 

“Jeez, don't you guys have anything better to talk about?”

 

“Nope.” Erik smiled, taking another drink. “So what happened, exactly? How did you two meet?”

 

At that question, a far away look came over Benji's face. “That I have no problem telling.”

 

Erik laughed. “How old were you?”

 

“I think we were about…. oh, I dunno, about seven, I guess. Miguel and I were both

rich-”

 

“You had money?”

 

“….Yeah….”

 

“Okay, just need to make sure I heard right. Continue.”

 

“Well, from the time we were old enough to vocalize it, Miguel and I were talking about how we wished our lives could be different. Miguel wanted to open an orphanage for abandoned kids, and all I wanted was to be a sailor. We hit it off the moment we met and we were joined at the hip from that moment on.”

 

“So what happened?”

 

Benji shrugged. “Life.” He smiled slightly at the confused look on Erik's face. “My parents died in some freak accident when I was thirteen, right around the time I was thinking of going for a first kiss with Miguel. But with the death of my parents the money disappeared right along with them, I lost it all.”

 

“What happened to their money?”

 

“I have no idea. All I know is that I never got any of it.”

 

“So you just…. left?”

 

“It wasn't my idea.”

 

“Huh?”

 

 

Benji laughed. “Well, now that Miguel and I have actually talked, I know the real story, and I gotta say it makes me feel a lot better about my life.”

 

“So? Tell! I'm incredibly interested in all of this…” Erik laughed, signaling to the barmaid, who came over and refilled his mug.

 

“Well, after I lost my parents, I was poor, you know? I had nothing- no money, no place to live, nothing. And Miguel's parents…. they had strict expectations for their son, you know?” He said bitterly. “When he fell in love, it would be with a rich, proper, perfect young lady , and I, unfortunately, was none of those things. I was poor, outspoken, loved to fight and I was a guy. When Miguel told them he was in love with me….”

 

“Didn't go over well?”

 

Benji shock his head, signaling for more whiskey. “They disowned him. Of course, that was after they'd convinced me that I wasn't good enough for Miguel and that Miguel was in love with someone else.” He let out another bitter laugh. “In retrospect, I don't know what's worse—them telling me that or me believing them. Anyway, after they told me that, I stowed away on the first ship I could find, and never looked back.” He smiled slightly, glancing over at where Miguel was sitting with the rest of the crew, who were talking animatedly to him and kept ordering him drinks, which the redhead completely ignored in favor of less alcoholic beverages. Miguel kept smiling and blushing and looking at the tabletop, which only made the rest of the men—who were growing steadily more intoxicated as the night wore on—flirt with him more. This caused Miguel's blush to deepen, and the cycle continued. Every once in a while, Miguel would murmur something in Spanish, and since none of the crew spoke Spanish, they just nodded and smiled and called for more beer.

 

Erik laughed. “You'd better go get your boyfriend before he enters a permanent drunken state and you lose him forever.”

 

“Are you kidding me? Miguel hasn't had a taste of alcohol in his entire life.”

 

“I think they're trying to convert him.”

 

“Never gonna happen.”

 

“If they can do it to a nun they can do it to Miguel.”

 

Benji's eyes got wide. “Good point.” Quickly, he downed the last of his whiskey and stood. “See you later.” Then he went over to the table and slid his arms around Miguel from behind.

 

“Like he never left,” Erik muttered to himself. Then he chuckled, shook his head, and signaled for more beer.

 

“Whatcha doin'?” Benji murmured into Miguel's ear. The crew blinked and idly wondered that he had said.

 

“Processing,” the redhead replied. He smiled and leaned back into Benji's embrace. “I still can't believe you're here.”

 

After a moment, Benji took Miguel's hand and pulled him to his feet. “Let's get out of here. C'mon.”

 

Miguel smiled and nodded. “Your crew is nuts, by the way,” he informed Benji as they headed out the door into the night.

 

“Oh, yeah. They know.”

 

XXX

 

Li: Cut! Okay, we have a fifteen minute break and then we go to the island! Someone go get the squirrel! What happened to Kurama and Hiei?

 

Ava points to Hiei and Kurama, who are making out near the director's chair

 

Li: NOT BY MY CHAIR! HIEI! KURAMA! TO YOUR SEPARATE CORNERS!

 

—After the restoration of Li's chair—

 

Li: reads over script, every now and then pushing up her glasses in a geeky way … AVA! ADARA! bellows

 

The girls arrive looking very tiresome

 

Adara: growls Nobody likes to be summoned like a dog, ya know.

 

Li: Well, it worked, didn't it?

 

Ava: What do you want, Li?

 

Li: Nothing. Can't one just simply want to bask in the company of her bestest friends in the world?

 

Adara: Not you.

 

Li: Geez, what's up with you guys? I mean, hello, being crabby is my job and mine alone. Explain this rudeness to me, please.

 

Ava: Oh, my God! Don't EVER say that word EVER again! If I have to endure another session of “Etiquette by Karasu' I will poke his eye out with the salad fork he would not stop talking about!!!

 

Adara: Do you see what he's done to her? She said “ever” twice in the same sentence.

 

Li: gasps You're right, this is serious. Maybe I should go…talk…looks as if the next few words are causing her extreme pain …to Karasu.

 

Ava: gasps That means…

 

Li: I know.

 

Adara: Even after what happened like ten minutes ago? Hair curling horrors!

 

Li: I'm going in. And you can't stop me.

 

Adara: NO! There has to be some way!

 

Ava: listening to headphones La vie boheme!

 

Li: heads into Karasu's trailer

 

—Inside Karasu's trailer—

 

Li: Um, Karasu?

 

Karasu: shrieks You didn't knock! Horrible manners!

 

Li: O-kayyy…why do you have Hiei imprisoned in that chair with pink, frilly tulle?

 

Hiei: It burns!!! Flails

 

Karasu: Never you mind…Hiei, the knife is for eating!

 

Hiei: No! attempts to cut tulle with butter knife It is for escape! Sweet, sweet freedom!

 

Li: We really need to get you off that island, Hiei. turns to Karasu Karasu, I'm here to address the issue of “The Little Pink Book of Etiquette.”

 

Karasu: What about it?

 

Li: Frankly, it's driving everyone crazy.

 

Hiei: It's like being tied to the hood of a yellow rental truck, being packed in fertilizer and fuel oil, being pushed over a cliff by a suicidal Mickey Mouse!

 

Li: Yeah…like that.

 

Hiei: mutters I gotta…gotta…gotta…gotta…gotta…get out of here!

 

Li: sighs and yells out the door Kurama! Come get your boyfriend!

 

Kurama: stumbles into trailer Oh, my dear God!

 

Li: I know.

 

Kurama: I feel my brain turning to mush!

 

Li: Exactly.

 

Kurama: unties Hiei and pushes him out of the trailer C'mon, hon. We're going to go get you some good drugs for this.

 

Hiei: All the little birdies go tweet tweet tweet…giggles

 

Li: Okay…so…good talk…um…bye. Flees

 

Karasu: It is so hard to find decent people these days…sees Cheese Man Hey! You! Cheese Man!

 

Cheese Man: Ahhh! throws Swiss cubes at him

 

Karasu: runs Ah! No! Not the hair!

 

Cheese Man: pelts him with more cheese

 

Karasu: hides in trailer

 

Cheese Man: And don't you ever hurt my cheese again!

 

Li: What happened?

 

Adara: Karasu used his cheese to make cheese fondue.

 

Ava: You should have seen him when he found out. It was heartbreaking.

 

Li: Okay, people, to your places! The next scene is about to start!

 

XXX

 

—Meanwhile, on some Godforsaken island in the middle of nowhere—

 

Hiei hated squirrels. They were annoying. They were cute. And they chattered. And now, because of Yomi—rat bastard—he now had to converse with one. All because of a misunderstanding about a stupid acorn. The squirrel had stolen that acorn. It had taken that which didn't belong to it. And Hiei just would not allow this. It would be morally wrong. And as the chief law enforcer and self-appointed governor of Gilligan's Island, it was Hiei's job to put an end to all injustice.

 

And he really wanted that acorn.

 

So he stalked up to the squirrel, determined to be perfectly calm and level-headed, but all these thoughts flew out of his mind as soon as he saw the squirrel. That horrible, disgusting, conniving little ball of fur. Scowling, he stalked up to it and growled, “Squeakity squeaker squeakity squeak squeak squeaker.” (“Hand over the goods.”)

 

The squirrel stared at him, shaking uncontrollably. Its hands shot up above its head, and its acorn dropped to the ground.

 

“Thank you,” Hiei said in a very dignified voice, taking the acorn between his thumb and forefinger and slipping it into his pocket. Turning, he walked off in a huff, and the squirrel hopped up a tree trunk and out of sight.

 

After a few minutes, Hiei reached the center of the small forest, where there was a bed made of palm leaves, a fire pit, a pile of wood and leaves, and a little palace made entirely out of acorns. He walked immediately over to the acorn palace and place the very last acorn carefully on top of the last tower. He was finished.

 

But it was not to be. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a coconut came flying out of nowhere, smashed into the acorn palace, and caused to entire thing to come crashing down. Up in the trees, a squirrel began the squirrel version of laughter.

 

“…Nooooo!” Hiei cried in despair. “Whyyyy? Why, gods? Whyyyy? Why this island? Why that squirrel! Why?” Once the despair had passed, it was replaced by anger. He whipped around in the direction of the squirrel's chatter, shaking his fist…and another coconut flew out of the treetops and slammed into the side of his head.

 

Hiei's hands went up to catch it, and a cloudy look came over his face as he held it up at eye level. He smiled at the coconut, clutching it to his chest. “Kurama! I missed you so much! Oh, but you're so bald! Did that mean old prince make you lose your hair? Well, no worried, I'll just get you new hair! Here, this banana peel ought to do just fine. Now, what's happened to your face? Well, no matter…here…there, see? Now you have a face. Now, what would you like to do? Checkers? Would you like to play checkers? Okay! Wonderful! Now, what did I do with that board…?”

 

XXX

 

Li: And…scene! Hiei, that was perfect! I actually found myself going insane along with you! Oh, no, wait, that was because of Karasu…

 

Karasu: Li, you and I need to have a little talk about manners in the work place…

 

Li: ignores Karasu and turns to Ava and Adara Take a break, guys. We all need it. Karasu…take a pill, man.

 

Karasu: brightly Okay! walks off and sees Hiei and Kurama making out behind their trailer, pokes head around trailer FRATERNIZING WITH COWORKERS, ARE WE?!

 

Kurama: jumps three feet in the air God! Don't do that! Jeez…

 

Karasu: evil smile Oh, Hiei…

 

Hiei: glare What?

 

Karasu: holds up pink tulle Lookie lookie what I got!

 

Hiei: Nooooo! flees with a terrified scream

 

Karasu: chases after Hiei Pink! Pretty, pretty pink! Pretty in pink!

 

Hiei: That movie sucked! Get away from me!

 

Karasu chases Hiei all over the set with Hiei screaming in fear

 

Ava: comes up behind Kurama, who is watching and looking amused You gonna do something about that?

 

Kurama: Not at the moment, no. turns to Ava Do you need something?

 

Ava: Yeah, Li's looking for you. She wants to go over your performance with the next scene. She's being all OCD again.

 

Kurama: Well, she's not our Li if she's not on the road to insanity. Where is she?

 

Ava: Last I saw she was yelling at Sazuka for dumping trash on her director's chair.

 

Kurama: Okay, I'm off, see you later. walks away

 

Ava: mutters to herself Now, how to occupy my time…? sees Benji and Miguel over by the food table and grins evilly Perfect…goes over to them Miguel, your parents are here.

 

Miguel: spits water all over Benji Wh-what?

 

Ava: Yeah, they wanted to come visit. Something about your grandfather dying and leaving you everything he had. You're supposed to go back to Cuba tomorrow and take over his business. Your parents are here to discuss the details. I told them to meet you at your trailer.

 

Miguel: looks terrified and runs in the opposite direction of his trailer as fast as he can go, cursing in Spanish

 

Ava: laughs I love doing that…

 

Benji: pours a cup of coffee You're mean.

 

Ava: Oh, like you haven't done it before.

 

Benji: Gets him every time.

 

—Meanwhile—

 

Adara: enters Karasu's trailer after a great deal of debate over the idea Karasu? Li wants to…oh, my God!

 

Karasu: doesn't look up from fitting Hiei for a pink, frilly dress I don't get why people are always saying that to me.

 

Hiei: imprisoned to a wall with tulle and duct tape but looking quite calm You know in All in the Family when Edith would be babbling on and on about something and then Archie would pretend to hang himself or shoot himself in the head?

 

Adara: Yeah?

 

Hiei: Something about this moment just made me think of that. begins to laugh hysterically Look at all the tulle…isn't this nice tulle?

 

Karasu: sticks pin in dress Is there any other kind?

 

Hiei: I've named the tulle. This one's name is Jon Stewart…that one's Tobin…Angel, Sally Bo Peep, and Virginia Woolf.

 

Adara: What about the red?

 

Hiei: This is my special tulle. Its name is Kurama…

 

Adara: …Right. Okay, he's gone insane.

 

Karasu: He's not even trying to escape anymore. Hand me that box of pins?

 

Adara: hands him the pins When did you decide to take up fashion design?

 

Karasu: Today.

 

Adara: Wow.

 

Karasu: That Angel guy is up next.

 

Adara: And the insanity spreads. Well, when you're done here, Li needs Hiei for Feegle duty.

 

Karasu: You're just gonna leave him here? asks as Adara heads toward door

 

Adara: Sure, why not? He could use more color in his wardrobe.

 

Hiei gets his mind back at the click as Adara closes the door, and begins to yell Japanese curses at Karasu

 

Adara: Ah, that's more like it. heads over to where Li is standing talking to Ava Hiei's being fitted for a dress, but he'll be here in a minute.

 

Li: Okay. Ava, where are the Feegles?

 

Ava: Somewhere around here. Are you even gonna say anything about what Adara just told you?

 

Li: Nope. delivery guy comes over and gives Li a clipboard to sign Why should I? hands signed clipboard back to delivery guy and he leaves

 

Ava: She just told you the man isn't here because he's wearing a dress.

 

Li: So?

 

Adara: You don't find that a little odd? For Hiei?

 

Li: Is he with Karasu?

 

Adara: Yeah.

 

Li: Case closed. Hand me those papers?

 

Hiei comes running out of Karasu's trailer with Karasu chasing after him, waving his etiquette book in the air

 

Hiei: Leave me alone!

 

Karasu: Hiei, I'm just trying to—

 

Hiei: No! Shut up!

 

Li: dangerous voice Karasu…

 

Karasu: What?

 

Li: What did we discuss?

 

Karasu: I…don't remember?

 

Li: KARASU!

 

Karasu: Li, raising one's voice to one's employees is frowned upon in the rules of etiquette…

 

Li: loses it and tackles Karasu, grabbing the etiquette book out of his hands I'LL SHOW YOU ETIQUETTE, YOU USELESS CROW!

 

Karasu: GET OFF ME! THIS IS ABUSE! I COULD HAVE YOU ARRESTED!

 

Li: HA! THAT'S A LAUGH! YOU COULDN'T SET THE COPS ON ME IF YOU TRIED! NOW GIMME THAT BOOK!

 

Karasu: NO!

 

Li: YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT??? FINE! grabs etiquette book and attempts to open Karasu's mouth wide enough to shove the book in OPEN WIDE! COME ON, KARASU! YOU LOVE ETIQUETTE, SO LEARN IT, LOVE IT, LIVE IT, EAT IT!

 

Karasu: whines Liiii…

 

Li: That's Miss Celestia to you! No, Mistress Celestia! No, better yet, just don't talk to me! Do not address me at all!

 

Ava: At last, sanity and reason are restored to the universe.

 

Both Ava and Adara ignore Li and Karasu and turn away

 

Adara: Okay, people, time to shoot!

 

Ava and Adara prepare to shoot the next scene

 

Kurama: Where's Li?

 

Ava: She's…er…incommunicado at the moment.

 

Hiei: finishes ripping the dress Karasu had on him into shreds Bastard…gonna kill…etiquette my ass…

 

Adara: You're so poetic, Hiei.

 

Hiei: Thank you.

 

Adara: You gonna pick that up? points at pile of cloth scraps on the ground

 

Hiei: No.

 

Adara: Well, okay then.

 

Ava: All right, people! Action! No…Li…Li, you have to let him go before you strangle him…Li! runs over to rescue Karasu

 

Adara: Uh…guys? Why don't you all…go take a break? We'll reconvene as soon as Li calms down…just give us five minutes.

 

Li: INSOLENT BRAT!

 

Adara: Ten. turns away

 

Karasu: CONTROL FREAK!

 

Adara: turns back to cast and crew Fifteen. Maybe half an hour.

 

Li: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!

 

Adara: Oh, hell, just take the rest of the day off.

 

Li: BASTARD!

 

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