Fan Fiction ❯ Llama Mamas ❯ Gathering the Facts ( Chapter 4 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

Last time in “Llama Mamas” . . .

Zelda sighed again, then pressed her ear against the door. “Navi?” she said, sweetly.

“Yes?”

“If you don't come out right now, I can assure you that I can make it to where you glow NOT only because you're a fairy.”

“What do you mean?”

“I just so happen to have a secret plutonium mine, and enough plutonium to shove up your FAIRY BUTT! GET OUT OF THERE, NOW!”

And indeed, Zelda's will was done. As if on cue, the door shot open, revealing a terrified Navi and slamming Zelda into the wall.

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Navi began to speak into the headset.

“This is Agent Pickle Shack reporting to headquarters. Llama base has been breached and everything's a go.”

“Blondie Princess reporting back. Excellent work, Agent Pickle Shack!”

“Thank you, Blondie Princess. Continue mission?”

“Affirmative!”

“Check!” Then, Navi heard the sound of struggling over the other headset.

“Blondie Princess, do you come in?” Navi said, tapping her headset.

“This is Brass Eagle reporting to Agent Pickle Shack. Hi, Agent Pickle Shack!”

“Uh . . . hi, Brass Eagle!”

“Brass Eagle requests Agent Pickle Shack to bring back with her a Quarter Pounder with cheese and mayonnaise only, along with a medium Dr. . . .”

Another struggling sound took place.

“Blondie Princess reporting to Agent Pickle Shack. Continue mission.”

“Affirmative!” said Navi. “Agent Pickle Shack will report back to headquarters when she finds something out!”

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“Remember, fellow llamas, WE MUST HAVE MORE SLIPPERS! The planet Earth is MUCH larger than 40 feet in circumference! In order to have full power to blow it up, we must have more slippers!”

“MORE SLIPPERS!” yelled the llamas.

“WE SHALL MAKE THOSE UNGRATEFUL HUMANS PAY FOR WHAT THEY DID TO US!”

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“OH MY GOD! IT'S JUST LIKE THAT STUPID BOOK “ANIMAL FARM”!” Navi screamed, not even remembering that she was in a room full of llamas.

All of the llamas from down below turned their heads in confusion, wondering who had yelled that.

“There!” yelled General Lenin, pointing his right ear at the ceiling. All of the llamas looked up to see a faded glowing thing.

“I HATED THAT BOOK! IT WAS SO BORING I CRIED!”

While Navi ranted, a stealth llama climbed up the wall and grabbed Navi.

“AND THOSE ANIMALS JUST HAD TO LISTEN TO SNOWBALL AND NAPOLEON AND SOON VIVA LA REVOLUTION THE FARM IS THERES!”

“What is it?” asked General Lenin, pointing his ear at the glowing thingy and poking it with his hoof.

“Research says it is a fairy, sir,” said another llama, obviously one of the general's trustees.

“Put it in the canon!” said Lenin. Navi continued to rant.

“AND THEN NAPOLEON WAS ALL LIKE `WE HAVE TO WORK, DANGIT, OR THIS FARM WILL FALL!' AND SO ALL OF THE ANIMALS WORKED AND WORKED AND WORKED AND HE DRANK OF THE FREAKIN' MILK!”

The llamas shoved Navi into a regular war canon.

“AND THEN THEY JUST HAD TO BUILD A MILL, ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT BOXER, THE ONLY GOOD CHARACTER, IS OLD AND THAT HE CAN'T WORK ANYMORE! AND WHAT DOES HE DO? HE SENDS HIM TO A FREAKIN' GLUE FACTORY!”

The llamas opened up a skylight in the roof of the laboratory and tilted the canon towards it.

“AND HOW COULD I FORGET ABOUT THAT STUPID `WAR' BETWEEN THE ANIMALS AND THE HUMANS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BOOK? AND THAT STUPID GUY SHOT SNOWBALL AND THAT STUPID COW SMASHED THE GUY'S FACE IN AND I LAUGHED AND LAUGHED AND LAUGHED!”

The llamas lit the fuse of the canon.

“AND THEN IN THE END ALL OF THE PIGS TURN OUT TO BE COMMUNISTS AND DRESS UP AND WALK ON TWO LEGS AND DRINK BEER AND ALL OF THE OTHER ANIMALS JUST STARE! AND THEN BAM, THE END! WASN'T THAT A GREAT ENDING? NO!!! IT WAS NOT GREAT! IT STANK! IT STANK WORSE THAN LINK'S FARTS AFTER A BURITO!”

The canon fired, and Navi sailed through the open hole in the roof, continuing to rant about the bad political book.

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Chapter 4:

It had been well over an hour since the llama's blasted Navi off into oblivion. The fairy had long-since stopped her ranting, and was now flying through the air at speeds over 70 miles an hour, completely un-aware of where she was going. Realizing it might take a long time to reach her destination, she began to speak into her headset.

“This is Agent Pickle Shack reporting to headquarters. Information has been found out and will give it back to you once returned to the base. Until then, it may take a while to . . . ACK!”

The reason being for Navi's choice of words was because she hit something that was flying. And the only thing that could fly in Hyrule is, well, a bird.

“GWAK!” went the bird as it spun around in circles. Once it managed to regain its composure, it looked for whatever had hit it. It noticed a tiny, dim glowing speck falling towards the ground. The thing must pay!

“This is Agent Pickle Shack reporting once more to headquarters. I have been hit and am going down.” Navi continued to fall without a care or any kind of emotion on her face, and right when she was about to hit the ground, she felt something pick her up.

“WOAH!” she yelled, completely startled by the sudden change in direction. She was saved!

Wait . . . if something had saved her, why was it squeezing the poo out of her?

Looking up to her savior, she realized it was not a hero . . . but the bird that she had just recently collided into!

“Aw . . . um . . .” Navi didn't know exactly what word to use in this predicament.

The bird looked down at Navi and smiled evilly, then made a sudden nose-dive towards the ground! It was a kamikaze!

“AIEE!” Navi screamed. It wouldn't be long before it made contact . . .

Then, the totally unexpected happened, and the bird screamed in pain and let go of Navi. Navi realized this, but what did it matter? She was still going to fall!

But she wasn't falling!

Indeed, something else had rescued her! She opened her tightly shut eyes and saw a patch of sky, which looked like a ring inside of a green wall.

She was in Link's hat!

Navi flew out of the hat and looked around. Zelda and Link were there, smiling. Zelda was holding what looked like a bazooka, and Link was obviously trying his best to save her. But how were they in the air?

It was a hot air balloon!

“Are you OK, Agent Pickle Shack? Did you bring Link's burger?” asked Zelda, setting down her out-of-place bazooka.

“Yeah, I'm fine. But how did you guys know I was about to be killed by a bird? And no, I did not bring the burger.”

“We put a tracking device on your suit, so we knew where you were all along! And I'm hungry!” replied Link, grinning like an idiot.

“And you didn't tell me why?”

Both Zelda and Link stood there, confused.

“Um . . .” thought Zelda outloud, looking at Link. Link looked back at her and shrugged.

“Because we didn't want you to push it!” Zelda suddenly said. Link looked at Navi and nodded.

“Um . . . OK.”

Zelda looked over the basket of the hot air balloon. “That bird . . . I don't think I killed it.”

“Oh well!” said Link, confused. “We got the only thing that matters back to us safely!”

Navi blushed and laughed. “Aw . . . thank you Link!”

“We got all the information about the llamas!”

Navi frowned and sighed. “Oh . . .”

“We'll talk all about it, once we get back to the castle!” said Zelda. She fiddled with the gas regulation, released a sandbag, and they were soon off.

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In Zelda's room, the three detectives were sitting in various places. Zelda was sitting on her bed, Navi in Zelda's sock drawer, and Link, like any dog, on the floor.

“So, the llamas are making some kind of weapon of mass-destruction?” Zelda asked the fairy.

“Oh, mass doesn't even describe it! They're planning to move to Mars so they can blow up the whole Earth!”

Zelda and Link gasped.

“And there's more!” Navi shouted. “The reason why they're stealing slippers is because the more slippers they have, the more power the machine has!”

“So,” Link started, “they've been stealing slippers so they . . .”

“Can blow up the Earth!” Navi finished for him.

“But, why would they want to blow up the Earth?” Zelda asked.

“I don't know. But they mentioned something about “ungrateful humans”. Apparently, people did something to them that they didn't like.”

“Is there anyway we can destroy the machine?” Link asked.

“I don't know . . . they never said,” Navi said, dejectedly.

“Well of course they didn't say! Like any of the llamas would want to bring down their own plans!” Zelda said snootily.

“I guess all we can do is find out more information about them,” Link said.

“Hmm . . .” all three of them said, thinking hard.

“Maybe the people in Kakariko know something about it!” said Link.

“Wow Link!” Navi said. “You thunk!”

“Thunk? Is that a word?” asked the princess.

“Who cares?” asked Navi. “Surely, SOMEBODY in Kakariko must know something about the llamas!”

“Let's go!” said Link.

As if in slow motion, the three of them ran out of the castle. Impa walked by with a boom-box, which was conveniently blaring the theme of “Rocky”.

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Kakariko Village was in a state of panic. People were running around everywhere. Each and everyone screaming about something different.

“They took my slippers!”

“Why does everything bad happen to US?”

“My house! They destroyed my house!”

And so on and so on.

“Man, you leave this place one day, and the next day its just completely gone south!” Link stated, looking around at the panicking villagers.

“Indeed,” said Zelda, also looking around. “Well, I guess we should get started.”

“But where should we start?” asked Navi.

“Um . . . let's try over there!” said Link, pointing to the area where the chicken lady normally was.

Zelda and Navi agreed, and the three of them walked towards the chicken lady. Once there, Navi turned towards Zelda and Link.

“Now guys, we need to try to act normal,” she said. “If the people think that we're purposely looking for the llamas, they may freak out and kill us or something.”

“Why would they do that?” asked Link.

“Um . . . I don't know! Just leave everything to me!” And with that, Navi flew towards the chicken lady.

“Hello, Miss. How are you?”

The chicken lady turned to Navi. Once their eyes met, she screamed and ran away.

“GLOWING THING! GLOWING THING!” she screamed.

“Navi, this isn't your thing! You've done enough!” said Zelda. “C'mon. Let's go try the windmill!”

“Why the windmill?” Link asked, looking towards it.

“Because the most unlikely things usually hold the answers! C'mon!”

And so, they headed towards the windmill. Once they reached the entrance, Zelda knocked rapidly on the door.

“Excuse me! Mr. Windmill Guy! Open up!”

No response.

“Hello? Anyone home?”

No response.

“Mmm . . .” Then, Zelda kicked the door open and walked inside. Link and Navi followed her as if nothing happened.

Inside the windmill, it was completely dark. Well, it wasn't dark for long. Navi had long ago ridded herself the window tinting suit, and the room was dimly lit with her brilliant light.

The windmill was completely abandoned. How did they know? Well, the spider webs in the corners sort of provided an obvious hint, and the dust that had collected provided hints, too.

“What a dump,” Zelda said looking around. “Dusty, too.”

“Very much unlike the time I came here last,” said Link. “Right Navi?”

“What do you want, a cookie?” asked Navi agitatedly.

“Yes . . .”

Navi let out a frustrated sigh and looked around some more. Dust, dust, more dust. WOAH! A SPIDER! And some more dust, some murals on the wall, dust again, and . . . MURALS ON THE WALL?

“Hey guys! Check it out! I found something!” said the fairy excitedly. Link and Zelda soon found what she was talking about, and the three of them walked over to the murals.

They all looked like some kind of ancient Indian wall paintings. One of them showed llamas standing in front of what looked like a burning Earth. Then, another showed a carrot, with a llama running away from it.

A llama running away from a carrot? That made no since!

“How come that one painting shows a llama running away from a carrot?” asked Link.

“I don't know,” said Zelda. “Maybe llama's hate carrots?”

“No. Llamas eat just about anything,” said Navi, looking closer at the painting. “Take a closer look. That's not a normal carrot.”

Zelda and Link moved forward, and indeed, the carrot was not normal. It was a golden color, and it looked like to have some kind of brilliant radiance to it.

“Well, we know it's not normal,” said Zelda. “It's gold. Does that mean that it houses some kind of good?”

“I guess so,” said Navi. “But it doesn't look COMPLETELY gold. More like a goldish orange. Or, maybe it's orange, but it's sparkly and shiny. Hard to say.”

“Should we go see if any villagers know about carrots?” Link asked.

“Well, I know carrots go great in a carrot salad,” said Zelda. “And they're also real tasty when cooked, especially with a light coating of butter, and . . .”

“Let's go, Miss Einstein,” said Navi, dragging Zelda out of the windmill. Link followed.

Once back outside, the three investigators wondered who would have a lot of carrots.

“Well Link, retrace your adventure. That might help some.”

“Well,” said Link, putting a finger to his chin. “I got the three spiritual stones, got the Ocarina of Time, gave Ganondorf the world on a silver platter, got a horse . . .”

“That's it!” exclaimed Navi. “Lon-Lon Ranch! They have carrots!”

“Let's go!” said Zelda, pointing in a finger in the air. Realizing that she had just lifted her middle finger, Zelda immediately put it down and replaced it with her index finger.

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“MALON!” Navi yelled with a voice loud enough to break glass. “WE NEED YOU MALON!”

“SHUT UP!” said Malon, coming out of the storage shed with a bucket of milk in her hands. “I'M HERE, GOSH DARNIT! WHAT DO YOU WANT?” Then, Malon apparently saw Link, for she dropped the bucket as if it were a lava lamp that had been on for 7 hours. Before 5 seconds, she was where they were standing.

“FAIRY BOY!” Malon said in a sudden gangsta voice and slugging Link on the shoulder, hard. Link fell over and grabbed his shoulder in pain. “WASSUP?”

“Ugh . . . Hi,” said Link, squeezing his throbbing shoulder.

“Yo, Princess Zelda, my homie!” Malon said, give Zelda the high-five. “What's up in da hood, yo?”

“Actually, foo', we're here to ask you `bout the llamas!” Zelda said in her own gangsta voice and doing a very bad secret handshake with Malon.

“Oh, them posers!” said Malon, frowning. “They come to the ranch and steal all my slippers, yo!”

“Are you fo' rizzle?”

“Fo' shizzle!”

“Stop. Now.” Navi said.

“OK,” said Malon in her normal, country accent.

“Do you know anything else about the llamas, like, what they don't like?” Zelda said, also in her normal voice.

“Uh . . .” Malon said, rolling her eyes to the back of her head in deep thought. “Yeah! I do! They wouldn't go near my carrot patch!”

“I knew it!” Zelda said, punching the air.

“In fact, that's how I finally got them to go away,” Malon continued. “They kept hanging around here, I guess because of the grass, and I picked a carrot and threw it at them. They ran away like it was a bomb or something!”

“Thanks sista!” said Zelda, once again in her gangsta accent. “That's all we need fo' our research, yo!”

“Don't mention it, foo!” said Malon, also in her gangsta accent. “But why you need to know about the llamas and carrots, yo?”

“Because, foo', we saw a painting of a shiny carrot in da windmill! We think that may be their weakness!”

“I pity the foo' who have to miss with them carrots, yo!” Malon said, in a sudden change of gangsta to “Mr. T”.

“Good grief,” Navi said. Looking to Link, she asked, “Do you think they'll ever stop?”

“Women are like melons, Navi,” said Link, still rubbing his now bruised shoulder.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, their minds are round. They can go on and on and on and still not reach an end. Second, they're fun to eat.”

Navi stood/floated, staring blankly at him. “Riiiiight . . .”

“Also, they're delicious! Yum!” said Link, rubbing his belly with a smile of pure bliss on his face.

“DUDE! LINK! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'RE SAYING!?!?!?!?”

“Of course not, my fun fairy friend. If I did, do you know how much that could impact the world?”

Navi thought about that for a moment. “ . . . You're right.”

Zelda suddenly walked up to them with a smile on her face. “Well friends,” she started, speaking in her normal voice, “we've found out the most important clue yet! The llamas don't like carrots!”

“How does that help us any?” Navi asked.

“Well, DUH!” Zelda said, rolling her eyes. “They think that the carrots could be that shiny carrot we saw on the wall in the windmill!”

“What's your plan, Zelda Man?” asked Link, anxious (and willing) to learn.

“Hmm . . .” Zelda said, not liking Link's new nickname for her. She continued on with her speech. “Well, obviously that shiny carrot DOES have something in it that frightens the llamas. So, in order to defeat the llamas, we need to find that shiny carrot!”

“Are you saying . . .” Navi began.

“TOO THE LIBRARY!”

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“I found it!” said Zelda, 3 hours after they had been to the castle library. Navi and Link flew/ran over to her and peered inside the book. Sure enough, there was a shiny carrot!

“Well, what does it say?” Link asked.

“It says it's called the Shiny Carrot,” Zelda began, reading from the book.

“WOAH!” said Navi. “IMAGINE THAT!”

“Shush,” said Zelda. “The Shiny Carrot is believed to have powers that can stop willing-to-dominate-the-world llamas. It is believed that long ago, an Indian tribe bowed down to the Shiny Carrot, and prayed that all willing-to-dominate-the-world llamas to be banned from the Earth.”

“What else?” asked Link.

“Mmm . . . bad news guys. The book says that chances are, it's just a myth.”

“But it can't be a myth!” Navi shouted. “We're dealing with willing-to-dominate-the-world llamas!”

“Hey Zelda, does it say anything about where the Shiny Carrot could be hidden.”

“Mmm . . .” Zelda said, scanning the book. “There's a poem here that has to do with the location, I think.”

“Read it.”

And here's what the book said:

Over the hills and far away,

Teletubbies come to play!

“Woah woah woah, wait Zelda,” Navi said. “You skipped over to the `T' section.”

“Whoops!” Zelda said, realizing her error. She continued to scan through the book until she said, “Ah! Here it is! The Shiny Carrot was last located in the strongholds of the Kakariko Village Graveyard.”

“So that's where we need to go!” Navi said. “We've now figured out a plan, and we can stop the llamas!”

“YAY!” Zelda and Link shouted out in unison. They then began to chant. “NO MORE LLAMAS! NO MORE LLAMAS!”

“NO MORE STINKIN' LLAMA MAMAS!” Navi shouted just in time.

Then, all three of them shouted.

“WE SHALL FIND THE SHINY CARROT

BIDDY BIDDY BOOM BOOM

LLAMAS GOIN' DOWN!”

“But first, we must sleep,” said Link, stopping the chanting and in a dull voice. Zelda and Navi nodded.

“He's right . . . I'm tired,” Zelda said, yawning.

“Besides, we've got a big day tomorrow!” Navi shouted.

Then the three recited their chant again.

NO MORE LLAMAS!

NO MORE STINKIN' LLAMA MAMAS!

WE SHALL FIND THE SHINY CARROT

BIDDY BIDDY BOOM BOOM

LLAMAS GOIN' DOWN!

Then, instantly, the three of them fell asleep right where they were, exhausted.

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Hurray! A positive ending! So, our three heroes have figured out they must find the mysterious Shiny Carrot. What lies ahead of them on this perilous quest? Will it really be that perilous? Find out next time in Llama Mamas!

A/N: That thing about Link saying girls were like melons, it was a joke. Don't be offended by it, and if you are, lighten up. You're going to here jokes A LOT more offensive than that, if it was offensive at all. Again, it was just a joke made by Link, which made it a BIIIIG joke.