Fan Fiction ❯ Pixie Sticks are A Dangerous Plaything! ❯ Romeo And Juliet ( Chapter 1 )

Romeo And Juliet

By Patrick Morris

 

Setting: At R and J's funeral. People from all around the town are gathered around the caskets. Friar Lawrence is administering the rites over the dead bodies.

 

 

Narrator: Perhaps Romeo and Juliet didn't really die at the end of the first book. This is their story…

 

Romeo: (Rising out of casket) Ow, thine head! This is the worst pain ever! (Rises fully out of casket, looks around) Montague's? Capulet's? Friar Lawrence? (looks down) CASKET!! (screams)

 

Friar Lawrence: Holy St. Francis Batman, what a change is here! Romeo's not dead but drunk from beer!

 

Romeo: Of course I'm not dead! What happened to me any way?

 

Benvolio: Well cousin, you, along with fair Juliet, committed suicide yester morrow.

 

Romeo: (puzzled) Juliet?

 

Benvolio: (Trying to jar Romeo's memory) The bright angel who art as glorious as this night?

 

Romeo: (thinking hard) Juliet-

 

Benvolio: The girl who's beauty makes the moon pale and envious in comparison?

 

Romeo: Ju-lee-et…

 

Benvolio: (Sighs) She's in the casket next to you.

 

Romeo: Juliet… (peers into casket) Oh! you mean the wench! (Romeo grins and looks over at the Montague's. They both have appalled looks on their faces. His smile fades.)

 

Lady Montague: You rogue! how dare thee defile the dead!

 

Romeo: Well come now, Its not like she's just going to rise out of her casket and… (Juliet rises from her casket. Romeo seems to develop a twitch in his eye)

 

Juliet: Oh Romeo, fair Romeo. Thou has returned from the icy grip of Death! Now we can continue our passion from whence we were torn from each others grasp.

 

Lord's Capulet and Montague: No you can't! Off with their heads!

 

Lady Capulet: (attempting to calm them) Surely there's a better way around this?

 

Capulet and Montague: (think for a moment) Off with their heads!

 

Lady Capulet: The one time you get them to agree on something… (sighs and shakes her head)

 

Tybault: (enters through crowd and dances up to Romeo. Tybault draws his sword and pokes him in the chest) Romeo the love I bear thee can afford no better term. Thou art a villain!

 

Romeo: (shocked) I thought I killed you!

 

Tybault: (incredulous) What! No, that's impossible! (snorts in disbelief)

 

Romeo: I'm really quite sure that I did.

 

Tybault: Really? (Romeo nods. Tybault shrugs in defeat) All right then. (He falls over dead)

 

Juliet: Oh Romeo we don't need the approval of these people. We know that our love is right and that's all that matters isn't it?

 

Romeo: Um, to be frank; I was actually kinda counting on you to, um, stay dead?

 

Juliet: (chuckling nervously) Oh Romeo thou art a kidder.

 

Romeo: No it was really more of a one night stand thing, you know? (Juliet looks as if she's about to cry) No, no it's

not you, its me! Um I think that we shouldn't ruin the great friendship that we have? (Juliet really does start crying) Ok,

ok. Listen the whole star crossed lovers thing was really just a bet. See Mercutio (crosses himself) bet that I couldn't make the ugliest Montague to fall in love with me and well you were the natural choice… (a crashing noise is heard as Juliet's heart is broken) And then you know what happens! Mercutio (crosses himself) goes and gets himself killed before he can pay me my money for winning! I mean can you believe it or what!

 

Juliet: Oh how could you? (runs off stage crying)

 

Romeo: (smiles) Well She took that rather nicely didn't she? (Members off the crowd have murderous scowls on their faces. Scene fades.)

 

Narr.: Seconds later Romeo was burned, kicked, punched, gouged, battered, clobbered, smashed, hanged, drawn, and quartered. And that was just by the women!