Fan Fiction ❯ Standing Outside the Fire ❯ Building a Mystery ( Chapter 6 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Standing Outside

the Fire

By: Irish

Chapter Six:

Building a Mystery

You strut your rasta wear
And your suicide poem
And a cross from a faith that died
Before Jesus came
You're building a mystery

You're so beautiful
With an edge and charm
but so careful
When I'm in your arms

You woke up screaming aloud
A prayer from your secret god
You feed off our fears
And hold back your tears, oh
Give us a tantrum
And a know it all grin
Just when we need one
When the evening's thin

You're a beautiful
A beautiful fucked up man
You're setting up your
Razor wire shrine

They stood amidst a haphazard pile of camping gear, blinking at each other as the surf pounded the shore below. The tent lay at Lyn's feet, still in the box. The one burner propane stove sat at Andrew's feet. In a loose circle around them was an internal frame pack, two tarps, two fifty-foot ropes, a pile of various foodstuffs as well as two sleeping bags and a self-inflating air mattress.

"I don't suppose you have any idea how to go about this? The last time I pitched a tent it was an 'A' frame." Lyn shook his head in response to Andrew's query, toeing the tent.

"Well, I think first things first. We need to take it out of the box."

Lyn quirked a brow, crouched down, pulled out his Swiss army knife, and sliced away at the tape that held the box closed. Andrew's eyebrows lifted. "What? 'City Fags' like me don't carry Swiss army knives? There are three things everyone should carry at all times: A Swiss Army Knife or multi tool, a wind resistant lighter, and a compass. Duct tape is also good but those three things are prime." Lyn folded the knife back up and slipped it into his pocket. He up-ended the box and shook it until the tent fell out at Andrew's feet.

"I really wish you would stop saying 'fag'."

"Why? You afraid of a word? Worried it might make you a sissy, like me?" Lyn was in rare form this afternoon, his sharp tongue even more acid.

"No, I'm not. I think the word itself is all right, reclaiming the word and all that. You use 'fag' like they use fag, hurtful, spiteful, and full of malice. When you talk like that it's like watching you whip yourself. You just keep hitting yourself and if someone tries to step in, you whip them too. You know what, Lyn?" Andrew reached down, hauled Lyn to his feet and forced Lyn to face him. "There is only one thing I don't like about you, the constant self abuse. I don't think you starve yourself because you think you're fat. Anorexics are generally very self-conscious about their sexuality; they don't want to flaunt themselves. You on the other hand, my dear, twitch your hips at whomever you think is looking. You don't starve yourself to be pretty, for you it's another form of self-abuse and self-punishment. But you know what?" Andrew cupped Lyn's face in his hands, voice and eyes softening. "You are still beautiful. You're still intelligent, witty and opinionated. You're well educated, and athletic and I would bet when you're not doing your best to push the world away, that you're kind, generous, insightful, altruistic, moral and loving." Andrew gently brushed his thumbs over Lyn's cheekbones. "I see you as a good, whole person, worthy and capable of love. You just need to see yourself like that."

Lyn's mouth hung slightly agape. He stared at Andrew with wide-eyed awe, mismatched eyes full of pleading. A stray tear slipped free from the shimmering blue pool of his right eye and trailed over his cheek. Andrew wiped it away gently with his thumb.

"Lyn, I don't know why you do all this to yourself. Why you hurt the way you hurt. But I want to know. I want to listen, whenever you are ready." Action disengaged from thought as Andrew found himself leaning in and brushing his lips over Lyn's, a little touch, less then a taste. He gave Lyn's cheek one last caress with the back of his knuckles before stepping away. "Hush, sweetheart, none of that. Let's get this tent up." Lyn nodded numbly. He wasn't sure what had just happened but he tried to shake it off. It had taken the edge off his tongue and stolen his wit. In silence Lyn finished assembling the smallish dome tent, letting Andrew stake it down. He took the spare tarp that wasn't under the tent and tied it above his head to various branches of over hanging trees, creating sort of a sheltered porch outside their tent. Once that was done, Lyn opened the box of the air mattress tossing the mattress into the tent watching it slowly inflate itself.

"It's homey." Andrew muttered, working on laying out the sleeping bags. Lyn nodded, hip hitched up on the picnic table that came with the site. He had gotten nine hours of sleep last night with Andrew wrapped around him, but it seemed to have only succeeded in reminding his body how badly it craved sleep. The mattress and silky looking green sleeping bag called to him.

Lyn had been startled to wake up in Andrew's arms, but not alarmed. He had felt so safe, so comfortable, but he had also felt a deep sort of embarrassment. Andrew had made no comment on the situation when he had awakened. In fact, he had given Lyn a warm, slightly drowsy hug before rolling out of bed. It had made Lyn smile; in fact Lyn had practically simpered. He wanted the gentle affection Andrew showered on him, wanted it so badly he ached. He had been fighting the urge all day to act as stupid and as servile as some lap dog, to pant after his master, doing anything to please him. Now Andrew had kissed him. It had been a light brotherly peck, but Lyn suspected that Big, Blonde and Scandinavian didn't kiss his brother, or sister, or much of anyone really.

Lost in thought, Lyn's hand had drifted to his mouth, fingers resting lightly on his lips as he stared off into space.

"Hey! Earth to space cadet." Andrew called softly, laying a big hand on Lyn's narrow shoulder. Lyn jumped, almost falling off the picnic table.

"What?!"

"Don't snip. I think we need to talk, and I think you need to lie down. You look tired and uncomfortable." Lyn hesitated, but didn't have the will to come up with a snide remark. So he just nodded, letting Andrew support him while he took his shoes off. He then crawled into the tent, flopped down on the air mattress and then nuzzled his face into the silky fabric of his sleeping bag. Andrew crawled in after him zipping the mesh flap closed to keep the bugs out before lying down on the mattress as well. "There, are you any more comfortable? I could rub your back if you like." Andrew didn't really expect Lyn to accept, and was very surprised when Lyn flopped over on his stomach. Andrew sat up, blonde brows raised as he lay a hand on Lyn's back. Fingers spread; Andrew could nearly cover all of Lyn's narrow back. He was so tiny, despite his height. Slowly he moved his hand up and down Lyn's back, not daring to actually massage. Lyn was so tense that any pressure would probably cause him pain, or snap a bone. Lyn's silence was starting to become overwhelming. Andrew hadn't really meant to kiss him. It had been accidental but it had sent waves of delight shivering down his spine. Lyn on the other hand, appeared to be traumatized.

"So, what are we talking about?" Lyn's tone was a sort of weary boredom, suggesting that whatever they were about to talk about, he had no interest in.

"You." Andrew replied, still running his hand up and down Lyn's back.

"Pretty dull subject."

"Hardly. What makes you tick, Lyn? Why do you do the things you do? What hurts, and why?"

"Listen, buddy, if I had the answers to those questions I probably wouldn't have a problem, now would I?" Lyn snapped back.

"Listen, Lyn, how much longer do you think you can go on like this? We have been together on the road a week now. We just bought a couple hundred dollars in camping gear and reserved this site for a week. I know you don't have the answers, but I barely know you Lyn. I know you make your living as an actor and dancer. I know your last name is Doren. I know you are twenty-six years old. I know that you sleep around, put yourself in dangerous situations, and don't eat. I know you're witty and have an interest in politics, but that is all I know."

"I also like long walks on the beach, sunsets, and quiet candle lit dinners."

"Why do you have to be a smart ass?!" Andrew threw his hands up in pure frustration, actually raising his voice slightly.

"It was in my horoscope for the day. 'You will be kissed by a stranger and spend the day being a smart ass alienating your only ally. Look out for Pisces wielding sticks."

"Lyn..." Andrew's tone held warning.

"Fine. My full name is Merlyn Daystar Doren. My birthday is April twenty sixth, that makes me a Taurus. I'm a professional dancer and stage actor. My hobbies include pottery, photography, writing, and martial arts. My favorite colors are purple and black, in that order. I speak five languages and like horses. Does that answer your questions?"

"Well, if nothing else, it's a start. To be fair, my name is Andrew Darling. I have no middle name. My birthday is November 30th. I have no idea what sign that makes me. I make my living as a bookseller at 'Others' bookstore. My hobbies include reading, woodwork, and martial arts. My favorite color is blue. I speak three languages and like cats." Andrew's hands had returned to Lyn's back, continuing to caress him in slow motion. It seemed to be soothing Lyn, who was starting to relax a little, sinking further into the buoyant air mattress

"Absolutely fascinating." Lyn commented drolly.

"You left something in our hotel room."

"No, I didn't!" It was too quick a denial. Andrew could tell Lyn knew exactly what he had 'left'.

"Yes, you did. If you don't want it back right now that's fine. I will hold it for you." Andrew replied softly. The item in question was carefully slipped into the coin section of Andrew's wallet. He never kept his change there, it made his wallet too heavy; but the small silver necklace fit perfectly. When he had been packing that morning he had caught the sparkle of the narrow box chain out of the corner of his eye. Moving closer he had picked it up by the snapped chain and saw the silver pentagram hanging from it. He immediately had known it was Lyn's. The pendent and the chain were both sterling silver and it wasn't well enough hidden that a maid wouldn't have noticed it, so it had only been there since they had arrived.

"Why do you always do that?!"

"Do what?" Andrew asked innocently.

"Take care of me! Look after me! Dot my T's and cross my I's!!" Lyn all but shouted pounding his fist against the mattress feebly.

"Cross your T's and dot your I's?" Andrew suggested gently, but not with out humor.

"Gaahhh! You're doing it again!"

"I guess I do it because somebody has to and you sure as hell don't. And, if it's not me, it's very apt to be someone who doesn't care what you're doing to what letters and when, because they're a lot more concerned with getting some fine ass."

Lyn turned to look at Andrew like he had lost his mind. "Have you lost your mind!?"

"No, I'm pretty sure it's still firmly seated in my brain cavity." The blonde replied stiffly.

"Well, you could have fooled me! 'Fine piece of ass'. I am a grown man Andrew! I can cross my T's, dot my I's, cross my eyes, and take care of most other letters of the alphabet and parts of my body including my own ass!"

"Really. Then what would have happened if someone hadn't stepped in, at the very least, to get you to the hospital?"

"I would have died."

"And you don't think you need a keeper?"

"Did it ever occur to you that I want to die, that by your playing hero you've extended my suffering, Boy Scout?!" Lyn had pushed himself up on his elbows to put more force and strength in his voice

"Why?" Andrew's voice, in contrast, was soft and gentle as he blinked his dove gray eyes slowly.

"Why?! What the hell do you mean 'Why'?!" Lyn stormed, his raised voice startling birds from the trees around their tent.

"Why do you want to die?" Andrew's voice was so tender, his eyes so full of understanding and compassion. Lyn felt something start to give. Andrew reached over and smoothed back the brunette locks that had fallen into Lyn's face in his agitation.

"What are you doing?" Lyn's voice wavered.

"What? This?" Andrew repeated the tender touch. Lyn opened his mouth to speak, but all that came out was a soft whimper. Lyn covered his mouth with his hand as his handsome, elegant face crumbled, like removing wooden bracers from an unstable cliff. A soft sob escaped as Lyn turned his face from Andrew, turning his face into his shoulder, collapsing down on the mattress. His narrow shoulders jerked and quivered as he sobbed.

Andrew was taken aback, he had seen the dampness in Lyn's eyes earlier but he hadn't expected Lyn to break down like this, not yet. He scooted closer, hand on Lyn's shaking frame, rubbing his back, stroking his hair.

"Lyn?... Lyn?.... Shhh, hey, I'm sorry." Andrew lifted Lyn's head into his lap, running his fingers through his hair, Lyn clutched Andrew's knee as he wept, silent but for great heaves of breath, gulping air for each consecutive weeping fit. He could feel Lyn's tears soaking through his jeans, but he wasn't sure what to do. He just ran his hand over Lyn's hair and shoulders again and again. "Shhhh, its okay Lyn, you're safe. No one is going to hurt you. You just go ahead and cry."

Lyn made no indication that he even heard him. His tears just continued to flow, an endless unebbing tide of pain.

It took Lyn almost an hour to cry himself out. Finally, Andrew felt the narrow body going limp against his lap. Tenderly brushing Lyn's hair from his eyes, he saw his companion was fast asleep even though his body still jerked with the occasional hiccupping gasp. Carefully, Andrew shifted Lyn more fully onto the mattress, tucking his sleeping bag around him.

"There you go, baby. You rest now, just rest."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Andrew could hardly believe Lyn was still asleep; what was left of the afternoon was fading with the sun, sinking slowly into the ocean to rise again tomorrow. He was hungry, damn hungry. His stomach gurgled and barked at him to get cooking. He had left the tent an hour ago and Lyn hadn't yet stirred. Whether he should be happy or worried eluded Andrew. Lyn had never slept so deeply for so long; but he had been with Lyn all day and if he had taken something Andrew would have known; and if Lyn had been able to will himself to death he would have done so long before now. Shaking his head over his own worry, Andrew crouched down over the mesh sack that their food was held in and pulled out a package of wild rice. Setting it down upon an up-ended log that would serve for a table, he retrieved two chicken breasts from the cooler in his trunk. He still kept half an eye on Lyn as he lit the little stove and set the rice to boil as he cut up the chicken.

Whatever hard shell had encased his companion was starting to crack; Andrew only hoped he was doing the right thing. Lyn was so brittle and unstable, he was held together only by his own self-destructive tendencies; once that fragile structure had been torn down, where would that leave him? It seemed to Andrew that the likelihood of Lyn coming completely unhinged was pretty good. It was like a game of Jenga, figuring out how much he could take away and break down without the structure collapsing. The problem was Andrew didn't know where Lyn's center of balance was.

He had called the clinic in Canada, the one with the inpatient program for folks with eating disorders and obtained information about emergency admittance. In fact, he had spoken with the woman there for an hour while Lyn had been in the shower that morning. The conversation had been both reassuring and discouraging.

Lyn's symptoms were atypical of Anorexia Nervosa. The woman had theorized that what Lyn was doing was largely a form of self abuse like cutting, a form of physical punishment to help ease whatever internal pain he was feeling. She had also warned Andrew that the 'borderline suicidal tendencies' could become 'suicidal' at the flip of a switch. She urged Andrew again and again to get help now before it got worse. When Andrew wouldn't commit to bringing Lyn to a hospital, she had given him a list of phone numbers to call at any time and had put Lyn's name on a crisis list, just in case.

Andrew felt better knowing that there was help out there, but he wondered if he had missed something. He hadn't felt the urgency over the situation that the woman seemed to. He didn't think Lyn would kill himself, despite the way Lyn treated himself. Andrew saw a survivor deep inside of him, a fighter, and some one too damn stubborn to die when it came right down to it. Somewhere under the debris of whatever had been torn down of the man Lyn had become was a steel frame of what Lyn had always been.

"What? Are you trying to cook the rice with your laser vision?"

Andrew looked up, startled. Lyn stood in front of the tent, slightly sleep rumpled, a hand on a jutted hip.

"No, if I had laser vision it would be done cooking already." Andrew replied patiently. "Are you hungry?"

"No."

"You slept really deeply by yourself for a while there."

"Yeah."

"Listen, pull up a stump. Dinner will be ready shortly. We are having chicken and wild rice." Andrew stirred the chicken into the rice.

"Why do you talk to me like that? I'm not your buddy, your pal, your team mate or some under-classman you're sponsoring, so quit treating me like your frat brother!" Lyn had raised his voice slightly, a sign of true anger, instead of a steady stream of apathetic droll snipes.

"So how do you want me to treat you? I know you want me to treat you like dirt, like some sort of dirty whore, but I'm not going to do that. I respect you. I think you are a good man. But beyond that I don't know what to do with you."

"What do you mean 'how do I want you to treat me'?" Lyn's eyes narrowed and he sat up straighter.

"Don't get all suspicious." Andrew handed a bowl of the chicken and rice to Lyn before sitting next to him. "I mean what is you're most ideal relationship, not like sexual, I mean like mother-son, brother-brother, lover-lover too, but not necessarily."

"That seems intimate." Lyn bowed his head, futzing with the food in his bowl. "Its not like we know each other that well."

"I'll start then." Andrew too looked down at his bowl. It was an intimate conversation. "I think one of the most important things in any relationship is trust."

"Oh, come on! Trust, communication and love, that's what everyone says. Be real." Lyn rolled his eyes taking a fork full of rice.

"Yeah, well they are important...." Andrew thought a moment. "Yeah alright, okay.... I'm kind of codependent. I need to be needed... But I think that.... well, I don't want to be needed, I want for people to choose to rely on me. I think choice is the most important thing. Choice... choosing to be someone's friend, or lover. Doing something because you want to, not because you have to."

"Yeah, I will agree with that. Making a decision to be with someone, being more important than their utter devotion. I never believed in that whole 'I'd die for you' bullshit. I mean, dying is the easy part. It's staying alive for the aftermath that sucks." Lyn sniffed at, then nibbled a piece of chicken. "Sounds like you're talking about a lover, though, not just some theoretical relationship."

"Yeah...." Andrew nodded. "I suppose I am. It's the only relationship role that isn't being fulfilled in my life. I have good friends... family.... I miss having a companion." Andrew watched as Lyn took another nibbled of his food.

"You obviously haven't had very many lovers." Lyn snorted. "What would you want one for? 'Relationship'? 'Fulfilled'? Lovers suck you dry. It's just who can screw who faster and harder, come first and go home clean."

"You're so bitter and jaded. Not all relationships are like that. I miss having a lover because I miss having a companion; someone who I can depend on, to support me when I need it and who lets me support them. I miss the intimacy of making love and knowing all the good, and the bad; knowing that they choose to be with you because they find happiness and satisfaction with you." Andrew sighed, almost wistfully.

"That is the most idealistic piece of tripe I have ever heard outside of a tent revival."

"I don't care. Its what I want. Further more, its your turn, idealistic tripe or not."

"Bah... you love to paint me into corners." Lyn huffed.

"Bah yourself! Answer the question, you nut." Andrew chuckled softly.

"Fine. I dunno what I want. I don't believe in love. I want to be held, to be treated with tenderness. I want to be touched with genuine affection. I want to be understood, listened to." Lyn finished with a shaky sigh, setting aside his bowl, half finished.

"You've been hurt by a lover... or lovers." Andrew said slowly. He couldn't believe he hadn't thought of it, couldn't believe it never occurred to him. This self-loathing and self-punishment was the continuation of what someone else had started.

"What the hell makes you say that!" Lyn's eyes snapped and burned as he glared at Andrew, and Andrew knew he had just hit the nail on the head. If he had been playing one of those 'whack-a-mole' games he would have just hit the jackpot.

"Nothing, just an observation."

"You don't just make observations like that! What the hell!"

"Calm down, why are you so defensive? I mean let's play 'let's pretend' for a moment-"

"Stop that!!" Lyn shouted shooting to his feet. "Stop talking down to me! You keep telling me how much you respect me, but all you do is talk down to me! It's like when Christians tell you Jesus loves you but you're going to hell. Now, just stop it! I'm not some dumb whore! I went to law school for Christ sake! I have an IQ of 135! So stop dicking around, I know what you are trying to do, you bastard!" Lyn all but screamed, shoulders tense and hunched with rage. Andrew recoiled in shock, partly from such a display of emotion from Lyn, but largely because Lyn was right. He had been patronizing and belittling him with his words.

"Your right, Lyn. I'm sorry. I know you are not stupid." The blonde stood moving over to Lyn, laying his big hands on Lyn's narrow shoulders. "I'm really sorry. Please don't think it's out of disrespect. Do you want me to be honest?"

Lyn jutted out a hip and rested a fist on it. Tossing his head he puffed his bangs from his face. "Yeah, yeah I do."

"You are hurting so damn bad it just radiates off you. I see you and something inside of me aches. I want to fix that, to make it better. What I'm trying to say is, I don't think you're stupid. I'm just trying to protect you and be gentle with you, to put a soft padding between you and the world, to cushion you when you keep throwing yourself against walls." With a tenderness that once again brought tears to Lyn's eyes, Andrew stroked his cheek with the back of his hand.

Lyn watched him a moment, eyes slowly clouding, and then a small smile quirked his lips, even though his eyes were dark. Lyn brought a hand up, running it over Andrew's chest and shoulders until he cupped the back of Andrew's neck. He moved closer. Andrew had frozen in place, confused, then transfixed as Lyn leaned down and kissed him

This wasn't the light tender kiss Andrew had bestowed earlier. Lyn had all but seized his lips, breaching the fortress of his mouth, plundering with his tongue. And damn, did it feel good. Andrew had never been kissed so thoroughly. His body responded promptly, beyond his control as heat flooded his loins. Lyn pressed his long body against Andrew's teasing a soft groan from him. It was so good, Lyn was so willing, it had been so long...Andrew paused, eyes opening mid-kiss as he thought that through again. It was so good, Lyn was so willing, it's been so long.... Lyn was so willing... Ah shit.

Andrew pried his mouth from Lyn's and started trying to slip from his grasp. Finally, needing to get away from him, Andrew gave Lyn a shove. Lyn stumbled back then tripped sprawling on his butt on the ground, looking up at Andrew as the gentle Viking's gray eyes darkened dangerously.

"Don't you EVER play the harlot with me! I don't want to fuck you! If you were trying to prove how sexy you are, fine! You win! But I will not be the field that you play-out you masochism on!" Andrew hadn't raised his voice at all, but there was no question he was shouting. On the ground below him, Lyn trembled.

With a heavy sigh Andrew bent down and got Lyn to his feet, brushing him off as he spoke.

" I care about you. Now, please don't ever do that again," Lyn nodded mutely. "Did I hurt you?" Lyn shook his head. "Okay. Why don't you go get one of your instruments and get ready for bed, I'll clean up."

"I can't play." Lyn was still cowed, his voice a whisper.

"Lyn, did I scare you?" Slowly, Lyn nodded. "I'm very sorry, come here." Andrew gently pulled the slender man into his arms and hugged him close. "I'm sorry. I would never hurt you. I shouldn't have pushed you like that. Go get ready for bed, we can play cards, or read or something."

Lyn nodded again before breaking away and crawling into the tent. Andrew shook his head and went back to where they had been eating, gathering the utensils. They had been here less then twenty-four hours and Andrew wasn't sure he wanted to see what the rest of the week would bring, because he doubted it would be sunshine and lollipops.

Author's note: This song is so perfect, all the lyrics are really, I had a hard time choosing s verse. So I chore a couple but cut out some bits in between. So no this isn't the original Lyric order