Fan Fiction ❯ Standing Outside the Fire ❯ Deep ( Chapter 5 )

Standing Outside

The Fire

Deep

I just want to feel safe in my own skin

I just want to be happy again

I just want to feel deep in my own world

but I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore

On a different day if I was safe in my own skin

Then I wouldn't feel so lost and so frightened

But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin

And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore

I just want to feel safe in my own skin

I just want to be happy again

They had been on the road nearly a week and would be in Portland when they stopped for the night. It had been a long week, for both of them, a constant test of wills. Since that first night together in the motel Andrew had his work cut out for him. Every bite of food had to be coaxed down Lyn's throat. That was only the beginning, Andrew's boss had been understanding but blunt. Andrew had three weeks of paid vacation, three weeks of unpaid vacation but after that she couldn't guarantee him a position. Andrew had also called the director of the show Lyn was currently playing a lead in. True to the stereotype the director had been temperamental to say the least. Andrew had the pleasure of spending twenty minutes on the phone being screamed at by some man with a terrible lisp and a jersey accent. His across the hall neighbor has been willing to take in his cats, and he had paid rent for the next two months.

Lyn's apartment, Andrew learned, was in a small cooperatively owned building and Lyn actually owned his section of it. The cherry on the sundae was that Lyn had been almost completely silent. The Blonde suspected this was largely due to the lack of sleep the man had gotten.

Andrew himself was exhausted and ready to stay in one place for a dew days to try and catch up on some sleep and relax a little. Despite getting around six hours of sleep a night Andrew as still exhausted after driving ten hours a day. Lyn was only averaging two to three hours of sleep a night. He had drawn almost totally into himself and the silence was overwhelming. He just stared out the window watching the United States slide by like a silent film. They had passed through Iowa without Lyn saying a word. Andrew had also done some math and realized he couldn't keep paying for everything. They needed to talk, to sleep, something needed to be sorted out pr they would both be going back to New York in white canvas jackets that strapped in back.

"Lyn?" Andrews query was met with only the same endless silence that had filled his days. "Fine. I don't really need you to say anything just yet anyway." He took a deep breath. "here is the deal, I can't keep paying for everything. I have no idea what your financial situation is but you need to pitch in. I was thinking maybe we could pool a couple hundred bucks and get some camping gear and we could car camp. Tent... sleeping bags... camp stove..." Andrew glanced over and saw Lyn was at least looking at him. "Listen, I'm sure that camping isn't your thing." He pointedly gave Lyn the once over. He was a city boy through and through. "But, it's cheap and it wont be that bad." Lyn blinked slowly.

"Why didn't you say something earlier? Where are we anyway?"

"We are on the eastern edge or Oregon. And I didn't say anything earlier because I more or less kidnapped you. It seemed a little insensitive to be asking you to front your own kidnapping."

"What's changed?" Lyn quirked and eyebrow haughtily.

"I'm starting to feel like the prisoner instead of the warder."

"If I'm am such a burden, ship me back."

"Ah ha!" Andrew smacked the steering wheel with his hand, grinning. "So you reveal your hand! Drive me crazy so I leave you to wallow in your misery. Not bloody likely Mister. You're stuck. Tomorrow when we are in Portland we are buying camping gear and supplies then setting up camp and not moving for at least a week. I have had enough of this. If you could direct all this stubbornness and pride into eating and sleeping we might get somewhere."

"Fuck off." Lyn said in a board tone. Andrew made kissing noises in Lyn's direction.

"I never knew you cared! Please I'm overwhelmed with warm fuzzy feelings, I know you love me, but please, its stifling." Andrew shot back shaking his head.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was midnight when Lyn and Andrew Finally pulled into Portland. Andrew parked his Honda civic in the parking lot of a motel on the edge of town. Lyn unfolded with a delicate grace, like a cat rising from a nap. Andrew could barely pry himself from behind the steering wheel. His legs cramped badly as he stood.

"Shit!" Andrew's legs were well muscled and the pain was agonizing as they all seized at once.

"Are you all right?" Andrew gasped, gritting his teeth, trying not to cry out.

"Not exactly." He panted.

"What's wrong?" Lyn's normally neutral, passive face was now etched with worry as he rounded the car. "What happened?"

"Muscle Cramp." Andrew choked out.

"Oh, is that all?" Lyn knelt down n front of the blonde, taking his leg and massaging the clenched muscles firmly. "this used to happen to me all the time. Is it getting better?" Andrew closed his eyes and sighed in relief as the muscles started to relax.

"Yes, thank you. God that hurt." Lyn's long fingers continued to knead Andrew's calves.

"Yeah like I said, used to happen to me all the time."

"Back before your body started to eat its own tissue to stay alive?" Lyn released Andrew's leg abruptly.

"Fuck you. What do you know about it?! About me?!" Andrew shook his head.

"Let's not do this in the parking lot."

"Fine. Don't move. I've got this one." The brunette's eyes were hard as he strode into the office of the motel. Andrew shook his head again, groaning. This night wasn't over yet, not even close.

The lanky man reappeared a few minutes later, dangling a room key.

"Two-oh-seven. I will grab our stuff, you head on up." Andrew almost protested, then realized that he might manage to limp up to the room by the time Lyn grabbed their bags and made his way up with them. With a sight, Andrew stood and took the key, slowly crossing the parking lot and scaling the stairs to their room that over looked the parking lot. By the time Andrew had the door unlocked, Lyn was standing beside him.

"Fancy meeting you here." He grumbled, unlocking the door and stepping in as Lyn brushed past him. "There is only one bed." He blinked, watching as Lyn set their things down. "I think I've made it clear, my intentions-"

"All the other rooms were booked. Shriners convention." Lyn replied woodenly. "I can sleep on the floor." Andrew felt a blush heating his face. That is what you get for making assumptions. He scolded himself. "Go take a shower, should take the edge off those leg cramps."

"I was thinking we should eat."

"Not hungry."

"I didn't ask if you were hungry. I suppose it's a moot point to ask what you want to eat." Lyn sighed deeply.

"If you shut up and get in the shower, I promise to eat some oatmeal in the morning, uncontested. Deal?" Andrew sized up the man across from him. He had no reason to doubt his word.

"All right, but, you are not sleeping on the floor. We are both adults, we can share the bed."

Lyn nodded, waving him off. When Andrew finally disappeared into the shower, Lyn opened his pack and pulled out the flannel pants and tee shirt that were his pajamas. He undressed slowly, feeling a stiff soreness not reveled by his liquid movements. Naked, he caught his reflection in the large mirror above the bear and paused. Slowly her stepped closer, brushing his hair from his face. He had gained a couple pounds as he had gotten almost no exercise and had eaten some. He could barely tell, accept it had taken the edge off his starving third world country look. His knees were knobby above the low surface of the beauro. A thin what scar, maybe a fourth of an inch wide, started about six inches above his left knee on the inside of his thigh. It trailed slowly up his leg curving around thigh to cross his hip. He turned to the side, following it over his hip to the small of his back where is left his line of view, but he knew the path it made, following the straight line of his spine to the nape of his neck. He faced himself again. The marks of the tattoos stood out on his pale flesh, a compass around his navel on his hollow belly, the Celtic knot twining over his bicep. Silver glittered all the way around the curve of his left ear, as well as a handful of studs on the right. Three ball studs decorated his flaccid sex in a Jacob's ladder. There was even more metal over his eyebrow and through his tongue. All of it branding him the slut he was.

Lyn pressed a hand against his flat stomach, pressing in as he inhaled. Most of the muscle tone there was gone now. He put his hands around his waist, fingers almost touching over his navel, he sucked it in again and pushed until they did meet. His flesh drew tight over his ribs so they jutted out. Letting go he tried to flex a little, his arms gained some definition, but looked like they might break off if he flexed any harder. Pale, pale skin, lack luster brown-black hair, mismatched eyes, one green one blue, glared back at him Gods he was so hideous. HE had been lucky to get a lead in that last show, now he had even lost that. He was ashamed of himself, he knew his parents would be ashamed of him, hell it even felt like the Goddess was ashamed of him. He pinched the loose flesh over one hip until his eyes watered and his fingers left bruises.

Ugly. Pain. It felt good. Digging in, he dragged his nails down his chest, fiery pain following in burning trails. Using both hands he did the same up his thighs, tears of pain filling his eyes, catching the silver disk that hung on a chain around his neck. He ripped it off, the small clasp breaking as he flung it across the room. He brought his hands up to his face, fingers bent, claw like as he started to dig his nails into his scalp to drag down his face, to ruin his beauty, to add to his hideousness, to relieve the pain. The flow of water in the shower stopped, Lyn froze his eyes widening. What the hell was he doing? Seizing his clothes he dressed quickly, covering himself and the marks he had left on his pale skin.

When Andrew stepped into the main room in just his pajama pants. It was empty, the door slightly ajar. Andrew's heart beat in a quick succession of rapid beats before slowing as he caught the scent of Lyn's clove cigarettes. Andrew had learned quickly that Lyn was a stress smoker. When he got stressed, he smoked, and something had driven him out to the walkway of the motel with his pack of Dajurum Specials and a silver zippo lighter. Shaking his head Andrew moved out onto the second floor walkway, leaning on the rail next to him. Lyn was sucking on the cigarette like it was life sustaining, filling his lungs with the damaging smoke as he fidgeted with the lighter.

"Legs better?" Andrew wasn't sure what had gotten into his partner in crime, who had been living on a different planet all week.

"Uh yeah, thanks... Your sucking on that like you're getting paid."

"At least this wont cum in my mouth with out so much as a 'by your leave'." Andrew turned to stare at the man next to him. "Why do you do that? Yeah, you slept around, but it was your choice. If it bothers you, don't do it." Lyn exhaled a cloud of the heavy, fragrant smoke, looking up at the moonless sky.

"Its not so easy as all that."

"Why not. I know for a fact you don't get paid."

"You wouldn't understand, Captain America."

"Try me. Yeah I'm blonde and look like the captain of the football team, but I'm not stupid. I treat you with dignity and respect despite the fact that you display some very typical gay male behavior, and give you credit for being fairly intelligent. Is it too much to ask the same?" Lyn said nothing as he butted his smoke and lit the next. "So, what's up?"

"Fuck off."

"You say that a lot." Andrew appraised Lyn carefully. He was gorgeous, even in the sickly glow of the street lights. Pale skin smooth as cream, long fingers cradling the cigarette with a unlearned grace, the lips caressing it a deep blood-rose red in the darkness. Those eyes so dead, so challenging, so haunting. His grace so perfect, he could barely keep his hands to himself. He gave himself a swift mental kick, the last thing Lyn needed was yet another man panting after him.

"Because I can't sleep."

"What?" Andrew was roughly slapped from his reverie.

"I sleep around because I can't sleep."

"What, you couldn't just find a hobby?" Lyn sighed, exasperated.

"No. As you've seen I am lucky to get two or three hours of sleep a night. If there is someone else in bed with me..."

"You can sleep.." Andrew finished for him. "Have you considered sleeping meds?"

"I have a prescription."

"And?"

"I don't dare keep them in the house." It was the first time Lyn had admitted to depression

"Oh... why didn't you says something earlier... about the sleeping thing..."

"I figured you would want sex... or think I did..." Lyn shrugged again.

"I respect you, I didn't want to.... disrespect you like that..."

"Disrespect me by having sex?" Andrew shook his head with a sigh.

"Well I don't expect sex. It's the last thing you need."

"Who died and made you my keeper?" Lyn snapped turning his head away from Andrew.

"Apparently your sense of self preservation, as you don't seem very interested in looking out for yourself."

"I don't want your help." It was the same conversation they had had the few times they had spoken over the last week.

"But you need someone's help. Listen, I did some research, back when you were in the hospital. There is this clinic thing, up in Toronto. It's an in patient program for people with eating disorders. I know its a long way away, but if you would check in, I would take you there... stay with you if you wanted me to..." Andrew swallowed looking pensively at the too thing man next to him. "Please Lyn, you need help."

"How long does the program last." Lyn asked finally as he spun the steel spindle against the flint of his lighter.

"Until you're better I suppose.... or your insurance runs out." Andrew's breath caught, would Lyn actually accept?

"I've got good insurance."

"Is that a yes?"

"No. Its not." Lyn ran a hand through his hair and swallowed, refusing to analyze or even acknowledge the turmoil inside of him, the emotions woven around the protective man next to him. Lyn only knew he felt safe with Andrew. That feeling was more to him then anything else, more then he though he would ever feel again.

"Why not?" Andrew's dove gray eyes continued to study the fragile figure before him. The hand holding the cigarette trembled.

"Does it matter?"

"Maybe. You need help Lyn. Look at me." When Lyn didn't move Andrew gently cupped his chin turning his face until their eyes met. "Your eyes... they are not the same." Andrew's voice was hushed with surprise and pleasure.

"What of it." Lyn jerked his face away.

"Nothing, I just hadn't noticed. I thought you had blue eyes, you must wear contacts."

"Usually." Silence wove itself around them for moment after endless moment. It was the flick of Lyn's lighter that brought Andrew's focus back to the moment.

"What's bothering you?"

"Other then you, nothing." Lyn shot back.

"You're an excellent liar. Anyone else would have bought that, that tough guy act. You're no more with draw then usual, in fact you've been more here tonight then you have been even since before we left. Yet, something is wrong." Lyn's fidgeting was making the blonde antsy himself, so much so that even as intensely self disciplined as he was, the impulse could not be denied. Feeling in the pocket of his flannel pants, Andrew pulled out the small statue of the Buddha and turned it in his fingers.

Lyn took a deep drag on his fag and exhaled the smoke in a harsh bark of laughter. "All right then Sherlock, how do you know something is wrong?"

"Because you only smoke when you are upset... that I have seen at least."

"or when I drink." Lyn huffed

"Well you are not drinking at the moment.' Andrew sighed and leaned back against the rail. Lyn stayed stubbornly quiet as he butted his second smoke and lit the third. "So do you want to tell me, or shall I guess?" Lyn gave Andrew the finger. Andrew shook his head and tenderly wrapped both hands around Lyn's fist, soothing the raised finger back in place. "I think what you need is to be touched." Andrew's work callused hands massaged Lyn's wrist and fingers, trying to ease away the clenched fist.

"Bull shit. Touching is what got me here."

"I don't mean that kind of touching. I mean just... human contact, platonic intimacy, tenderness..."

"You know Plato had a thing for little boys right?"

"Not little boys... young men... like sixteen or seventeen year olds.... which is admittedly weird but was at the least consensual. Now quite fighting me." A small smile curled Andrew's lips. Lyn fought desperately against any affection and tenderness. Slowly Andrew took the cigarette from Lyn's lips before gently drawing the tiny man into his arms, hugging him close. "I won't hurt you, Lyn. You know that. I am trying to help you."

Lyn wasn't quite sure how he ended up in Andrew's arms, he had stepped into them as if in a daze, coming back to himself with his head resting on his companion's shoulder, the blonde's strong arms engulfing his frail body, protecting him. They were both tense, frozen in the awkward embrace. A soft chuckle from Andrew cut the tension like a wire through clay

"I was hoping to relax you, but this isn't working is it?"

"Not so much so." Lyn's lips almost quirked.

"All right... well... " Andrew stepped back a little. "you want to get some ice cream?" It was the one thing he knew he could always get Lyn to eat. "Just shoot the breeze? You haven't said a full sentence in a week."

"Why do you do that?" Lyn pulled away entirely, running his hands through his hair. "I mean I push you away, snap, burn and scatter the ashes of every olive branch you offer, but you keep trying. Why?"

"Okay... here is the thing.." Andrew took a deep breath. "You man not think it, and sometimes even I wonder, but there is something inside of you, something so brilliant, and beautiful, and special...." Frustrated Andrew sighed, tugging at his ponytail. "All right... that was corny... Listen... you like some caged animal, a zoo attraction that used to be wild. Your current situation has almost sucked away all of your soul, but there is some little piece left that is so brilliant it just screams to be saved. You're drowning but are too stubborn to cry for help. I'm going to try and get you back to shore anyway. I can't in good conscious let someone as unique and beautiful as you die. You're your own cage you know, You're the one putting up the bars. Andrew watched Lyn's face carefully, seeing how he was handling what had been said.

"You make it sound so easy. Like I could just decide for every thing to be okay. If it were that easy..."

"I know it's not that easy. But I think you fight any help, any chance of healing. You won't even let me in far enough for me to figure out what your wounds are."

"You promised ice cream." Lyn's eyes never met Andrew's as he dodged the question. Andrew let it go. Lyn was requesting food, even if it was only an avoidance reflex, Andrew wasn't going to deny him.

"Yup, I did," Andrew smiled a little. "Just let me get a shirt on."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Andrew led Lyn into the all night diner, hand on his back. After they were seated and the waitress returned for their orders, Andrew ordered for both of them as well. They were small flirtations, little gentlemanly acts, but by the way Lyn looked down at the table, bangs hiding his face, a faint pleased blush coloring his cheeks, Andrew knew he appreciated it and it was a small way for Andrew to indulge his crush on the man. But it was all just a game. Lyn wasn't allowing himself to be wooed.

When the tired waitress left them to their high walled booth, the silence stretched and folded back on itself like metal being forged. Andrew knew if he let it harden it would leave them in the rigid silent roles they had been playing all week.

"You never take your instruments out of the trunk." Andrew observed quietly. Lyn shrugged non commentally as he started to build a fortress with the cream and sugar packets. "Why not."

"No music." Lyn shrugged again.

"You have no music?" Andrew's best friend was a musician at his heart and soul. The only time he had lost his music was when his mother died. Andrew had a vague Idea of how bad that was.

"Nope. I haven't played a note in six months." And every dance step he had taken had felt awkward and graceless, every note he had sung fallen flat. He was fading.

"What's wrong Lyn? What's got you in this downward spiral? I just don't get it. You're young, you're beautiful, and you've got talent. I've seen your apartment, its wall to wall books, so you must be smart. I don't understand, what is eating you alive?" Andrew opened his mouth to continue but let it click shut when he saw the obtuse look Lyn was giving him.

"What planet are you from? I mean really, have you met me?"

"Yes I have Lyn."

"What are you? Dumb as a post? Blind as Stevie Wonder? I thought you were from Chicago, I've met boys off the farm less naive then you." Lyn's fists were clenched on either side of his structure, his jaw so tight it was a wonder his teeth didn't crack.

Andrew started to snap back, responding with his gut rather then his head but never had a waitress had more opportune timing. The clink of the malt glasses against the table top stopped Andrew's runaway mouth.

"Two strawberry malts. Anything else for you boys?"

"No ma'am, thank you." Lyn said quietly as he stared at his ice cream, an internal battle over the desire to reject the food and the emotional and physical craving for it. When he picked up the spoon Andrew knew the longing in his companions eyes had won. The unsuspecting waitress left the bill and quit the table.

"I'm not blind, dumb, or naive Lyn. Is it because you're gay? I've seen stuff like this in kids who can't accept who they are... but can't deny it-" Lyn laughed, almost bitterly.

"No, it's not that. I've been okay with sucking cock for a long time."

"It never ceases to astound me how perverted and twisted you can make things sound. Being gay.... I think its something sort of special in its own right. We've been blessed to be challenged, to learn lessons most people never will. Nothing teaches humility like being uke."

"Being what?!" Andrew chuckled softly.

"Sorry, uke is Japanese for 'bottom'."

"You speak Japanese?" Andrew allowed himself a less modest smile.

"Yes, fluently." Lyn accepted that with a nod, letting Andrew continue his diatribe.

"I mean we have to make a conscious choice to love, to be affectionate. Every public touch and affection is a political statement. We're the one minority its still P.C. to hate."

"The last person I heard spew that much bull shit was Clinton. Don't lecture me about sex and sexual freedom. You are probably a candidate for sainthood. Have you ever even had sex?" Lyn brandished his spoon to illustrate his point before taking another bite.

"I-I-I-I... Of course I've had sex!" Andrew blushed deeply, his posture indignant.

"Let me guess, it was something desperately romantic and tragic. High School sweethearts, you're first and only partner, candles and blowing curtains. How did he die? Saving puppies from a burning orphanage on Christmas?"

"God you're vicious when cornered. It was nothing like that. I met him in college. He was fairly attractive, fairly intelligent, and liked boys. I was inexperienced. We hooked up because it logic said it was a good match. The sex was mediocre. When I graduated and moved to New York we realized we didn't care enough to pursue a distance thing, so we broke it off."

"How anticlimactic." Lyn snipped sarcastically.

"No pun intended I am sure."

"Of course not. So you think being gay is just... some special test that some Grand High Magi in the sky drops in out laps? What's that? The new age answer to the nature/nurture question?"

"Not exactly." Andrew shifted, trying not to be annoyed. "Its just what helps me sleep at night. Lets just say my family protests abortion clinics on Wednesdays and protests PFLAG meetings on Fridays...."

"Fundamentalists?"

"No... they are actually too polite to protest. Let's just say I received a pamphlet about ex-gay programs with my Christmas card this year."

"Ah... so they are Midwesterners. Too polite to say it to your face, but too conservative to be accepting."

"Hole in one." Andrew smiled a little bitterly, dragging a finger through he whipped cream then licking it off.

"Yeah, I personally prefer my bigots right out front where I can see them.'' Lyn shrugged, popping the cherry into his mouth.

"What about your parents....? The hospital told me they were in Ireland." Before speaking Lyn slowly pulled the cherry stem from between his lips, which was now double knotted. He set is on the napkin with a grin. Andrew's heart stopped a beat as his flannel pants tightened. It took him a moment to process that Lyn was speaking.

".... are okay with it."

"Come again?"

"Gladly." Lyn said, wicked glint in his eye. "As I was saying, my parents are okay with it."

"You're not from Ireland are you? You don't have any accent...."

"Don't be fooled. I am an actor. I can fake most accents impeccably." He took another bite of his malt. It was a fourth gone, and Lyn hadn't seemed to notice 'how much' he had eaten yet, so Andrew didn't call him on his enigmatic answer, not wanting Lyn to realize and push the food aside. "So were buying camping equipment tomorrow and playing Swiss Family Robinson, Gay Survivor?"

"You're not objecting as much as I expected you to." Andrew observed giving his ice cream a stir.

"What you don't think a city fag like me can keep up with a big butch piece of man like yourself?"

"No, I'm praying you know how to pitch a tent. I've never done this before. Well... I have, but not in a very long time." Lyn quirked a brow.

"Really? Captain America has never been camping? A big butch man like you?" Lyn's tone was painfully sardonic. Andrew was tempted to plaster a warning label on Lyn's forehead that read 'sarcastic and cynical.'

"I'm from Chicago, its not like I could pitch a tent in a local park. Has anyone ever told you that you are extremely bitter.

"Hey I've earned my disillusionment, I didn't just buy it off the rack." Andrew shook his head, starting to feel like a bobble head doll with how often he had been doing that. Lyn pushed his malt away, half finished. It was more then Andrew had expected. After another few bites Andrew pushed his away as well.

"Ready to blow this joint?"

"Yup. This one is on me, as are the next five tanks of gas." Lyn stood pulling out his card and grabbing the bill.

"Don't worry about the gas."

"Listen, I don't want to put too fine a point on it, or insult your masculinity, but I suspect I make a good chunk more then you do." Lyn handed their waitress, now cashier, his credit card and the bill.

"Yeah bookseller is not exactly one of the top paying jobs.'' Andrew shrugged watching Lyn sign his name quickly before pocketing the receipt and card and leading the way out the door.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

When they got back to the motel room Lyn looked pretty haggard, dark circles were showing around his eyes, marring the pale skin. Andrew wasn't doing much better, the yellow hair around his face had dried in frizzy wisps at either temple, a few strands of hair falling free into his face, small crows feet pulling at the corners of his eyes.

"So we're sharing this sucker?" Lyn indicated the bed as he bent down to untie his shoes.

"If you're comfortable with it." Andrew shrugged not sure how his own body would handle laying so close to the object of his desires.

"Yeah, I might actually get some sleep."

There was an awkward moment as they both stood, staring at the bed, unsure how to proceed. Finally Andrew turned off the lights and stripped off his shirt, laying down with the creaking of bedsprings. There was another long moment before Lyn lay down, but finally the bed dipped slightly as he sat, then lay, down. They both lay flat on their backs, not moving. Andrew let out an impatient sigh and rolled on his side facing Lyn.

"I'm not going to molest you. Relax. Good night." He turned on to his other side and curling up a little.

Lyn lay awake even after Andrew's breath shallowed and evened, his mind whirring endlessly. He wasn't aware of sleep steeling over him, or even feeling sleepy, but the next time he looked at the clock, it was eleven in the morning.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Andrew had drifted to sleep quickly, but was jolted from his peaceful slumber by a shooting pain in one leg. He sat up woozily, thinking perhaps he had been hit with more muscle cramps, but then the pain started anew in a different part of his leg, and he realized he was being kicked, by the violently thrashing figure on the bed next to him.

"Lyn?" Andrew asked hazily. Getting no response he flipped on the bedside light and looked down, almost thinking Lyn had to be having a seizure. "Lyn?" Andrew squinted down at the man and say that he was just asleep, apparently in the throws of a very vivid dream. With a sigh Andrew started to shake him gently, then stopped, even if he was having a night mare, he was still sleeping, for the first time in a week, Andrew couldn't bring himself to disturb that. Lightly he stroked Lyn's arm. "Shhh, shhh Lyn, its okay, your safe. It's only a dream." He whispered softly.

Slowly, Lyn stilled some, relaxing, his brow smoothing as he turned into Andrew's caress, nuzzling towards Andrew's body heat. Andrew froze a moment like a small animal hit with high beams. Taking a deep breath he turned out the light and lay down, carefully drawing Lyn's slender frame into his arms until he was gently spooned around the curled up Lyn. It was an odd sensation to hold this man, so fragile and delicate like a butterfly, his gentle movements like the flapping of wings against cupped hands. Andrew's heart beat heavy in his chest, afraid at being caught in what felt like it must surely be a forbidden act, but Lyn was so calm and peaceful now, so deeply asleep, that had to justify his actions, right? The end wasn't always worth the means, but Andrew figured his stolen moments of intimacy were worth whatever karmic reaction he received, for one restful night for Lyn.