Fan Fiction ❯ The More Troublesome Quest For Sanity ❯ aliens all over again ( Chapter 3 )

Disclaimer:

Queenie: I don't own-

Sauron: One ring to rule them all!

Queenie: Yeah, that too. But mainly I don't own-

Boromir: . . . no king.

Queenie: What??

Boromir: I was trying to say: Gondor has no-

Random Guy: Newspaper!

Boromir: Gondor needs no-

Colgate Seller Girl: Oral hygiene!

Boromir: o_O???

Queenie: CAN'T YOU JUST LET ME FINISH THE GODDAMN-

Random Guy: Daily Newspaper!

Queenie: AAAAAAAAARRRRRRGS!!!!!

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

[Romani Ranch, in the evening]

Tingle: Tingle tingle there!

Ganondorf: A RANCH???

Tingle: Why yes, limpah. Anything kooloo wrong limpah?

Ganondorf: Er, I'm just not particularly fond of-

Narrator: But before Ganondorf was able to finish his sentence, a random girl appeared behind him.

Random Girl: TINGLE!!!

Ganondorf: YIKES!!! *gasp* *breathe* *semi-heartattak*

Tingle: Romani!

Romani: Tingle!

Tingle: Romani!

Romani: Tingle!

Tingle+Romani: *hug* Kooloo Limpah!!

Ganondorf: Ma . . . Ma . . . . Ma . . . . Ma . . . .

Romani: I see you have brought a new vict- ahem, guest!

Tingle: Yes! Yes! Limpah!

Romani: That's awesome. Hey, you!

Ganondorf: LONLON!!! [hides behind a tree]

Romani: Er . . . . what?

Ganondorf: Go away, sick minded mini hag!

Romani: . . . . mini hag?

Tingle: Kooloo Limpah!

Romani: Oh, thanks Tingle. You may leave now.

Ganondorf: NO! DON'T! [grabs his foot]

Tingle: Tingle?

Ganondorf: You can't leave me alone with HER!!

Romani: But you don't even know me!!

Ganondorf: I don't know you??? I DON'T KNOW YOU??? *pause* I don't?

Romani: Not yet. My name is Romani and this is Romani Ranch. My ranch. Well, I guess now you do know me. So feel free to go on screaming.

Ganondorf: Thanks. AAAAAAAAAAA- wait. Did you say Romani?

Romani: Uh huh.

Ganondorf: As in . . . not Malon?

Romani: Uhm . . . yes.

. . . . . .

Ganondorf: What sort of sick name game is that again???

Romani: Name game? Not Malon? [long thinking pause] Ooooh, now I get it! You must mistake me for my Hylian cousin Malon!

Ganondorf: . . . . cousin?

Romani: Yep.

Ganondorf: . . . . not Malon herself?

Romani: Nope.

Ganondorf: Are you sure?

Romani: Positive.

Ganondorf: Mind answering a few questions?

Romani: If I have to.

Ganondorf: How's your father doing?

Romani: I don't know. He left the ranch years ago.

Ganondorf: Seen any aliens lately?

Romani: A . . . . a . . . . aliens? HAHAHA! No, of course not. *sweatdrop* *nervous grin*

Ganondorf: o_O Erm, good. One more thing: How do you feel about [pervert content - CENSORED!], [CENSORED!] or [CENSORED!] with lawn mowers?

Romani: EEEEWWWW, THAT'S GROSS!!!

Ganondorf: Really???

Romani: Of course, sick freak!!

Ganondorf: I LOVE YOU!! [hugs Romani]

Romani: Ugh!! TINGLE!!!!

Tingle: Limpah!! [separates them]

Romani: You're a scary guy, but I guess you're somewhat okay or at least rich, since Tingle brought you here. So feel free to stay for as long as you wish.

Tingle: Limpah! Kooloo Tingle!!

Ganondorf: Uhm . . . bye?

Tingle: Kooloh!!

Romani: See you!

Tingle: Tingle Tingle!!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[Clock Town, in the meantime]

Anju: Ganondorf? Never heard of him. Now if you excuse me, I must prepare the beds for my guests.

Link: Then we want to have one-

Sheik: two rooms for tonight.

Anju: I'm sorry, we're completely booked out for the next three weeks.

Link: Dang.

Anju: But if you need a place to stay then you should go to Romani Ranch. It belongs to Cremia, an old friend of mine. I haven't been there for ages but I'm sure she'll let you stay over night.

Sheik: And where would this ranch be?

Anju: Leave the city through the South Gate and turn right until you reach the Milk Road. Then you just have to follow that one until you see the ranch. If you go by foot you should be there in about one hour.

Sheik: Thank you so much, my dear. *smirk*

Anju: *drool*

Link: AHEM!!

Sheik: Oh. Right. We'd better be going before it's too dark for my companion to see where he's walking.

Link: -__-

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[Romani Ranch, one hour later]

SFX: Knock! Knock!

. . . . . . . . . . . .

SFX: Knock! Knock!

[Romani looks out of the window]

Romani: Who's there??

Sheik: Two travellers, Anju sent us.

Romani: Anju, eh?

Link: Is this Romani Ranch?

Romani: It is. And I'm Romani. Welcome to my ranch!

Sheik: Your ranch? I thought the owner's name was Cremia.

Romani: Er . . . uhm . . . . well . . . . you know . . . . I . . . . changed my name. Because . . . . erm . . . . I liked the name Romani so much.

Sheik: I see.

Romani: So what do you want?

Sheik: A place to stay!

Romani: Then I can't help you.

Sheik: But Anju said-

Romani: I'm sorry, but my cows are anti-social, they don't like strangers and you'd only disturb them. Sorry again! Bye! [closes the window and turns off the lights inside]

. . . . . . . . . . .

Sheik: Don't you think that she is a wee bit suspicious?

Link: [watching his shoes in awe] Huh?

Sheik: *rolls eyes* Never mind, let's just camp somewhere in the fields.

Link: In the fields??? Eeeeeewwwwww!

Sheik: *sigh* Stupid twenty percent . . . .

Link: Yeah, ri- wait! Who told you about that?

Sheik: About what?

Link: About my somewhat restored sanity??

Sheik: But . . . but you did, didn't you?

Link: Not as far as I remember. *suspicious glare*

Sheik: Uhm . . . . . well . . . . . OH MY GOD! A SPIDER!!

Link: YIKES!!! [runs away]

Sheik: Whew.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[later, in the stables]

Romani: Are they gone?

Cow: Mooooooooooooooo!

Romani: Jeez, finally. I thought they'd never leave!

Ganondorf: [gagged and tied to a chair] Mmfffmmmmffhfhmmmhmmffmm!!!

Romani: What? Sorry, but I can hardly understand you.

Ganondorf: MMFFMMFHMMFFHM!!!

Romani: You're probably right, I should've offered you a decent dinner first. But you know . . . the last one I fed before they took him had to vomit and they were pretty angry abou-

Ganondorf: MMFHMMHFFGNNNFHMMM!!!???

Romani: They? Oh, you'll see them in time. And now excuse me but I still gotta water the flowers on Cremia's grave. MWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ganondorf: Mffmfhmmmffhfmmmghhnnrrrhmmmm!!

Romani: You - [points at a cow] - watch him!

Cow: Moo!

Romani: Good girl! [leaves]

Ganondorf: [tries to struggle free but only manages to fall off the chair] MFHN!

Cow: Moooohooooooo!

Ganondorf: *think* Now what happens when you need that stupid author for once in your entire life?? She's not here - of course!!!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[Minas Tirith, in the meantime]

Denethor: An author you say?

Guard: Yes, my Lord.

Denethor: Sounds quite interesting. I shall let her stay to keep myself entertained until Boromir returns from his quest.

Guard: But my Lord, I have heard rather nasty things about her!

Denethor: Nasty things you say?

Guard: Indeed, my Lord. There is this rumor about a king who granted her shelter. But her great insanity possessed the mind of this very man and caused him to lose his sanity as well. His kingdom was instantly doomed and so was his son, whom he burned alive out of pure madness.

Denethor: What is this nonsense you speak of? Burning people alive?? My dearest servant, is this how you see me? As a mad pyromaniac?

Guard: Why no, my Lord!!

Denethor: Very well. Then go and tell the author that she is welcome to stay as long as she wishes!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[Romani Ranch, stables, 11:55 pm]

Romani: [enters] What the-

Ganondorf: Mhhhfffnnmmmhhhnmm!

Romani: Aaaawww, you fell off the chair! Are you hurt? I hope not, because they don't like their victims bruised.

Ganondorf: Mmfffnnhhhhnnmmm???

Romani: I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait for another five minutes. Five minutes. Just enough time to practice my evil laughter. [cleans her throat] MWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[Termina Field]

Voice in the distance: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Link: Did . . . . did you hear that?

Sheik: Yes, I did.

Link: The . . . the spider?

Sheik: Er, I don't think so. Now try to get some sleep because tomorrow we gotta continue our search for Ganondorf.

Link: But I thought we were going to the zoo!?

Sheik: What the- oh $§&%"$( ) twenty percent of (&% &/(%$" this &?"§$%&& . . . mutter . . . . curse . . . mutter . . . ..

Link: Good night, uncle Sheik.

Sheik: z___z;;;

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[Romani Ranch, stables, midnight]

Romani: Now! Finally! The time has come!! MWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Narrator: And as Romani's insane laughter boomed through the stables, the ground started to shake and the roof collapsed, revealing a gigantic, red teapot that was hovering above the stables.

Romani: [screaming at the teapot] ALIENS!! YOUR LOYAL SERVANT ROMANOVA-D OFFERS YOU ANOTHER VICTIM!! BEAM HIM UP, SCOT-D!

Narrator: And so did he. Or she. Or it. Or . . . the teapot as a matter of fact.

Romani: DING DERRR DING DERRR DING DER-EEEEE!! MWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Narrator: . . . Romani laughed as the teapot flew away.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[Termina Field]

Link: [is watching the stars]

Sheik: [is asleep]

Teapot: [flies by]

Link: OH MY GOD!! OH MY GOD!! Sheik!!! Sheik!!!

Sheik: *yawn* What?

Link: A gigantic, red teapot!!

Sheik: [not even looking] Yeah, nice. Now be quiet or you'll wake the spiders.

Link: Eep! *shiver*

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[inside the gigantic, red teapot]

Ganondorf: [now un-gagged but tied to a metallic chair] Hello? Anybody here?

Door: [opens]

Narrator: The thing that had now entered the room nearly scared Ganondorf to death. Well, not at all since he was used to all kinds of scary things. But I had to say something, right? Anyway, the thing was a green, red-haired, lawyer-like being with a bright orange briefcase attached to its left hand.

Alien: Ding ding ding!

Ganondorf: Holy shit!

Alien: DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!

Narrator: Immediately the door opened again and two other aliens, one of them carrying a glowing bottle, entered the room.

Alien2: [places the bottle on a table near Ganondorf]

Alien1: Ding ding deng ding dee dee da-ding dooee dingle!

Bottle: [female sing-song voice] Welcome to our teaship, human-like being. You were a gift from our ally, Romanova-D. Your purpose is to serve us as our dinner. We shall eat you tomorrow in the evening, so until then - have a nice stay!

Ganondorf: O_O

Narrator: But just as the three aliens wanted to leave the room, another one of them appeared. He looked just like the other three but his briefcase seemed to be bigger.

Alien4: Ding! Ding deng ding dong din dingee ding!!!

Bottle: [doesn't translate]

Alien1: Ing, ding-ee? Ding nigni ingle ding doo ding-lay!

Alien4: DING-DOO DALING DEE DING!!!!

Alien1: Ding, Scot-D ding-da.

Alien4: [to Ganondorf] Ding dal dingle ding doo.

Bottle: [seems to be on again] Greetings, oh chosen one.

Ganondorf: *mutter* So that's how they call their food? Charming, really.

Alien4: Ding day day nigd den ding deeo. Ding leng A-Ding, B-Ding, C-Ding dee-id. Dee-yeng doo Scot-D, ging dee. Le-ding in din ding, dieenn.

Bottle: It took us years and years to find you. These are A-Ding, B-Ding and C-Ding, my crew. My name is Scot-D and I am the commander of this teaship. You must excuse the behavior of my crew, but they were unaware.

Ganondorf: O_O??

Alien4/Scot-D: Nig in in deeding, doo. Ding ling, ding ding. ling dee; Da ding de ding. Doo-meh loidings. Deed da ding. Ding lay, ding say. Ding, lee doo, da. Leng noy, ding deloo. Ding day.

Bottle: So are you, as it seems. Never mind, the last time we met was long ago. Let me tell you our story: We are lawyoids from the beautiful planet Ding. Our home was a perfect place. But one terrible day the son of our king disappeared. And as the king died, none was there to rule Ding. A group of lawyoids, including us, built this teapot and searched for our king. Many years passed, our hope faded away and our king was nowhere to be found. Until now.

Alien1/A-Ding: DING LEESH!!

Bottle: IMPOSSIBLE!!!

Alien3/C-Ding: Nes day igned . . .

Bottle: So he is . . .

Scot-D: Ding ding ahnee yo.

Bottle: You are the King of Ding.

Ganondorf: WHAT????

Alien2/B-Ding: Ding ing ding da! Ding ing ding dee!!

Bottle: Ding has no king! Ding needs no king!!

Scot-D: B-DING!! Neing ding lada ding doo ned!!

Bottle: B-DING!! Never ever again dare to say this in the presence of our leader!!

B-Ding: Ing-ee ding doo dened! [stomps off]

Bottle: Screw the new leader!

Ganondorf: But I-

Scot-D: Hing nay, ding-ding gnid-ding! Nig nid nal dee nee-yo ding.

Bottle: You must excuse him, my lord. But he's still young and doesn't know how to control his temper.

Ganondorf: Er, never mind I guess. So . . . does that mean you're not going to eat me?

Scot-D: Hing ding nay-dee des. Ning ning say-hey. Ling, lee C-Ding doo nign unig. an ding-o-ding de inad nig.

Bottle: A shame you forgot how to speak our beautiful language. You were so young when you disappeared. Anyway, C-Ding will lead you to your room and will get you another translator immediately. Because this one only works monolingual.

Ganondorf: Er . . . din-gee?

Bottle: . . . . thanks?

Scot-D: Na-nin ging dan - sing ding ding.

Bottle: You learn quickly - just like a proper king.

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

First he rules over women and now over aliens??? Oh, that's going to be interesting, right? Well, at least I hope so. I liked this chapter a little better than the others, but you're the readers!

And then - sorry for the Lord of the Rings references. But I couldn't resist since some of you seemed to like it and I like it too and so . . . Well, I hope it's not too annoying for all the not-lotr-people out there. I'll try to keep it as un-crossoverish as possible but somehow that's also an element of TTQFS, so . . . . [just forgive your stupid old author already!!]