Fan Fiction ❯ The Troublesome Quest For Sanity ❯ le chateau de my [or: PIE!!] ( Chapter 21 )

Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda or any related characters. Honestly.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[Death Mountain Crater, a little bit later]

Ganondorf: Oh, great. And where's this Castle of MY supposed to be??

Kaibit: WATCH OUT FOR FLYING PIE!!!!

Ganondorf: Huh?

[SPLAT!! - A flying pie hits Ganondorf]

Ganondorf: -____-

Kaibit: I told you to watch out!

Ganondorf: -____-

Kaibit: DUCK!!!!

Ganondorf: Eh?

- SPLAT!!! -

GuseBat: WOOHOO!!! Two hits!!!

Kaibit: Wrong person though.

GuseBat: D'oh!!

Kaibit: ^__^

GuseBat: Sorry there! I was aiming for him. [points at Kaibit]

Ganondorf: [cleans his face] I see. And who are you, pie throwing one?

GuseBat: I'm GuseBat. And that's my annoying companion, Kaibit.

Kaibit: Morning.

GuseBat: Formally known as the Delightful Undoing Moron Brigade our new function is to guard the Castle of MY!

Ganondorf: That are good news at last!!

Kaibit: Why? Do you wish to enter the Castle of MY?

Ganondorf: Of course! Now, where is this castle??

Kaibit: It's well hidden under the hot and deadly stream of lava!!

Ganondorf: Can I go inside?

GuseBat: If you want to pass along, move your feet and sing a song!!

Ganondorf: Huh?

Kaibit: The ancient rules of MY say that only those who are willing to give a performance are allowed to enter the castle.

Ganondorf: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!!!

GuseBat: Lamoogafrezzledoooogathumplefneee!!!

Ganondorf: WHAT WAS THAT??

GuseBat: The stupidest thing I'VE ever heard.

Kaibit+Ganondorf: -___-***

Kaibit: Anyway, are you going to sing or are you going leave?

Ganondorf: Neither.

GuseBat: What do you mean?

Ganondorf: THAT YOU'RE GOING TO PAY IF YOU DON'T LET ME IN!!!!!

Kaibit: Oh yeah?

Ganondorf: Yeah!

Kaibit: Oh yeah?

Ganondorf: Yeah!

GuseBat: Oh yeah?

Ganondorf: YEAH GODDAMMIT!!!

Kaibit: Well, then . . . . .

Kaibit+GuseBat: PIE POWER!!!!

[SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT!! SPLAT!!! - four pies for Ganny's face]

Ganondorf: -______-

GuseBat: Still so unmusical?

Suddenly Appearing Choir: (angelic) Music! Music! Let's hear the musiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiic!!!

Ganondorf: Okay, okay - for heaven's sake!!

Kaibit+GuseBat: WOOHOO!!!

SAC: Random song coming UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!

[music starts to play]

Ganondorf: When I was a little boy, I used to be upset. My skin, my eyes my hair and such - it really made me mad.

But now than I am older, and I'm an evil king, I'm full of joy and happiness and I would love to sing!

SAC: Looooooove toooooooooo siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!

Ganondorf: I'm an evil dude,

SAC: Evil dude!

Ganondorf: In an angry mood.

SAC: Angry mood!

Ganondorf: I love killing death and hell cause it suits me very well!

SAC: Ooooh sooooooo weeeeeeeeeell!!!

Ganondorf: I'm the meanest guy,

SAC: Meanest guy!

Ganondorf: Evil tools I buy.

SAC: Tools I buy!

Ganondorf: I'll go on a killing spree right after this melodee!

SAC: Meeeeeelooooodeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

Ganondorf: I act viciously,

SAC: Viciously!

Ganondorf: Terror works for me!

SAC: Works for me!

Ganondorf: Sorry if that made no sense, but it's pretty hard to rhyme! And now I'm running out of words, so I will just say thyme!

SAC: Juuuuuuust saaaaaaaaaay thyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyme!

Ganondorf: Justice we should damn,

SAC: We should damn!

Ganondorf: Cruel is what I am!

SAC: What I am!

Ganondorf: That was all I had to say, now will you let me in? The thing I'll do if you refuse is ripping of your skin!

SAC: Of your skin!

Ganondorf: Oooooof yoooouuuuur skiiiiiiiin!

SAC: Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooof yooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur

Ganondorf+SAC: skiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin!!!!

[music stops]

Audience: [cheers]

GuseBat: That . . . . was . . . . *sob* . . . . beautiful! *sob*

Ganondorf: It was embarrassing!

GuseBat: And I taped it!! ^__^

Ganondorf: -___-****************

Kaibit: Very well, you may enter now.

Ganondorf: At least!

[GuseBat whistles twice and a rock beside them explodes]

Ganondorf: O_O

Kaibit: What did I tell you about the doorstone????

GuseBat: Uhm . . . . don't blow it up, just open it?

Kaibit: EXACTLY.

GuseBat: Whoops ^_^**

Ganondorf: o_o**

Kaibit: Anyway, there it is - the secret entrance.

GuseBat: Hop right in and enjoy your stay!!

Kaibit+GuseBat: MWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

Ganondorf: Erm . . . . . . thanks.

Narrator: Little did he know about the fact that the secret entrance was not a harmless little entrance but a deep, deep hole. Well, at least he found out soon.

Ganondorf: (falling) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! !!!!!!!!!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[one hour later Ganondorf eventually landed in the lobby of the Castle of MY]

Ganondorf: $§"&/(/%=?&/()%&//(*''*'')/&/&/$&%/(%%()=[ 9;[³²³[³²[{{[&($(&/!!!!!!!!

Kaibit: Welcome in the Castle of MY, cursing one!

Ganondorf: You again!

GuseBat: PIE TIME!!!!!!

[SPLAT!! - a welcome back pie for Ganondorf]

Ganondorf: -__-

GuseBat: WOOHOO!!! Perfect hit!!

Ganondorf: I thought you were the guardians of this castle!

GuseBat: So what?

Ganondorf: Shouldn't you be in the crater, guarding the castle??

GuseBat: Uuuuuhm . . . . . probably.

Ganondorf: But?

Kaibit: But it's boring up there and Queenie doesn't mind visitors anyway.

Ganondorf: AND WHY DID I HAVE TO SING THEN???

GuseBat: As Kaibit said . . . . it's boring up there.

Ganondorf: -____-***

Kaibit: Don't be upset and let me guide you to Queenie's throne room.

Ganondorf: *sigh* Whatever.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[2 hours later in Queenie's throne room]

Nuna ur business: I'M GOING TO TELL YOU THIS ONE LAST TIME!!!! I AM NOT MALE AND MY NAME IS NOT FREDDY!!!!!!! MY NAME IS PUNI-CHAN!!!!! PUNI GODDAMMIT!!!!!!

Queenie: Oh. Why didn't you say that in the first place?

Puni: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! [runs away]

Queenie: Tsk . . . . . strange. Don't know what's wrong with her . . . .

Ganondorf: Queenie?

Queenie: Ganny?? Is that really you???

Ganondorf: `Fraid so.

Queenie: YAY!!!! [run up to him and squeezes him]

Ganondorf: *gasp* Thanks Queenie, but I *cough* can't breathe *choke*

Queenie: Oh . . . . . [stops hugging him] . . . . . sorry.

Ganondorf: *GASP*

Queenie: So what brings you here?

Ganondorf: I was just about to start my quest when all of a sudden Rauru turned into a zombie and wanted to eat me!!! And I even forgot my organ at the Temple of Time but I can't go back and . . . . . WHY DIDN'T YOU COME WHEN I CALLED YOU??? I THOUGHT YOU WERE OMNIPRESENT!!

Queenie: Why, I'm sorry! But I've got a major problem too.

Ganondorf: And that's what exactly?

AnimeObsessorYR: YAHOOO!!!!!! TNT FOR LIFE!!! KABOOM!!! KABOOOOOM!!!! MWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Queenie: See.

Ganondorf: That's the girl who wanted to blow up Hyrule Castle!! Oh. You mean she . . . . .

Queenie: . . . . . yeah. And I can't leave the castle unless everything's made anti-explosive.

Ganondorf: And who's going to help me on my quest????

Queenie: You still got Ravi, right?

Ganondorf: Oh . . . . yeah . . . . . yahoo. -_-*

Queenie: Plus I'm going to tell you a few useful things.

Ganondorf: Like what?

Queenie: Like - DUCK!!!!!!

Ganondorf: What sort of help is tha-

[SPLAT!!!! - it looks like a pie!!]

Puni: Yayness!!! 100 points!!!

Queenie: Erm . . . . like the fact that you should always be ready to duck down.

Ganondorf: [cleans his face once again] I see.

Queenie: Well, let me guide you through the beautiful Castle of MY!

Ganondorf: A tour in a castle which is probably going to blow up in the next second??

Queenie: Nah, don't worry. We're taking care of her.

Ganondorf: We?

AnimeObsessorYR: I'M THE DAMSEL OF DYNAMITE!!!! MWEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!!! [runs past them]

James Bond: COME BACK HERE YOU BITCH FROM HELL!!!!!!!! [runs past them]

Queenie: Hehe . . . . see . Everything's fine!

Ganondorf: -_^

James Bond: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! [runs past them again]

AnimeObsessorYR: MWEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!! [runs after him with a chainsaw]

Ganondorf: Uh . . . . I guesss I should better leave to-

Queenie: No, you won't!! [grabs Ganondorf's ear]

Ganondorf: OUCH! NO! STOP!! YOU'RE MAKING IT POINTY!! MY PRECIOUS GERUDO EAR!!! OOOWIIEEE!!!!!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[later, somewhere in the Castle of MY]

Queenie: Admit it!! It's the bestestest castle you've ever seen!!

Ganondorf: Well . . . . uhm . . . . the limborium is quite nice.

Queenie: Better than the one in the Sacred Realm, huh?

Ganondorf: Yeah, maybe.

TheOminousWriterofDoom: Hey!!

Ganondorf: *twitch* *drool* *twitch*

TheOminousWriterofDoom: The limborium thingy was my idea!!!

Queenie: Oh. I'm sorry. Take this shiny black speedo as an excuse!!

TheOminousWriterofDoom: Uhm . . . . okay!! ^_^ [disappears in a room called "Lady's Lounge]

Happy Females Voices: GIRLS!! HE'S BACK!!! WOOHOO!!!!!

Ganondorf: -_^

Queenie: Well, the Castle of MY belongs to me, but it's also the home of many authors and - WATCH OUT!!!

Ganondorf: Wha-

[SPLAT!!! - Unfortunately this time it was not a pie that hit Ganondorf]

Queenie: . . . . and llamas.

Ganondorf: EEEEEWW!!!! Llama spittle!!

Llama: ^___^

Ganondorf: You're enjoying this, don't you????

Llama: *nod*

Queenie: Ganondorf, that's Sam, the llama. Sam, that's Ganondorf. He's my guest, so try not to spit on him too much!

Sam: *drool*

Queenie: Good boy! [gives him a cookie]

Ganondorf: Say . . . . . where's the next bathroom?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[later, somewhere else in the castle]

Ganondorf: But why for heaven's sake does it have to be a talking fridge???

Queenie: Well, I like my furniture to be individual and besides that - DUCK!!!

[SPLAT!! - no, he'll never be fast enough . . . . ]

Ganondorf: WHAT THE-

Llama: Yodelee dedleee deeeee!!!

Ganondorf: O__O

Queenie: Ganondorf, that's Sam, the other llama. Sam, that's Ganondorf. Hold back the spittle because he's a guest!

Sam: *drool*

Queenie: Good boy! [gives him a cookie]

Ganondorf: Did that thing-

Sam: --_--

Queenie: It's Sam.

Ganondorf: Did SAM just yodel?

Queenie: Sure, why?

Ganondorf: Eh . . . . nevermind.

Queenie: So let's look for one of the lounges, shall we?

Ganondorf: Yeah, whatever . . . .

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[later, in one of the lounges]

Ganondorf: Nothing at all. He said that I'm supposed to see somebody, but he didn't tell me who.

Queenie: No problem! I know what to do! But first-

Ganondorf: I hate those two words . . . .

Queenie: BUT FIRST I'm going to teach you a song! So take out your holy instrument!!

Ganondorf: My holy instrument is an organ, remember? And I left it at the Temple of Time - just like I told you.

Queenie: Oh. Right. Hey, I know!! Take this! [gives him a whistle]

Ganondorf: What's that??

Queenie: The Whistle of Insanity! [DEEDLEE DEEDLEE DOOOOOO]

Ganondorf: o_O

Queenie: Handier than an organ, isn't it? ^_^

Ganondorf: I . . . . guess.

Queenie: Okay, now listen! Because now I'm going to teach you Queenie's Quartet!!

Ganondorf: Queenie's Quartet??

Queenie: Easier than it sounds. Just blow the whistle 4 times.

Ganondorf: And that's it?

Queenie: That's it.

Ganondorf: And what is it good for?

Queenie: As long as I can't leave my castle we're able to communicate via telepathy!

Ganondorf: I see.

Queenie: Nifty, isn't it? ^__^

Ganondorf: Erm . . . . yeah.

James Bond: [comes in] HIDE ME!!!! PLEASE!!!!

AnimeObsessorYR: (outside) YOU CAN'T HIDE FOREVER!!!!!

Queenie: Gee, James! Aren't you able to guard a normal girl???

James Bond: NORMAL??? *shudder*

Queenie: Besides that, where's the security??

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[meanwhile at the grocery store of MY]

GuseBat: Good day, Mister. I wish to purchase one of your most delicious pastries!

Shopkeeper: Eh?

Kaibit: She wants a pie.

Shopkeeper: Oh.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[back at the lounge]

Queenie: Anyway, I think it's time for you to leave since I don't want my llamas to get jealous.

Ganondorf: -_^

Queenie: In order to find the Psychiatrist of Time you have to go and see the fairy of strange abilities.

Ganondorf: The what of what??

Queenie: Just play the second song, which I'm going to teach you NOW!

Ganondorf: Another one?

Queenie: Exactly. It's called the Freaky Fairy Flourish! You play it like this; - insert one long whistle -

Ganondorf: And the purpose of it?

Queenie: It'll transport you to the fairy of strange abilities!

Ganondorf: To the what of what?

Queenie: JUST BLOW THE STUPID WHISTLE!!!

Ganondorf: Eh . . . okay. [blows his Whistle of Insanity (DEEDLEE DEEDLEE DOOO) once and disappears]

Queenie: Hehe . . . . stupid guy. As if anyone would ever try to blow up my castle . . . .

James Bond: And now?

Queenie: AUTHOR PARTY!!!!

All: YAY!!!!!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[seconds later, at a Fairy Fountain]

Ganondorf: [appears] Ugh . . . . warping is freaky.

Fairy: MWEEEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEEAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAYYYYEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE HEHEHEHEHEHEEYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!

Ganondorf: . . . . but that tops it.

Fairy: WAZAAAAUUUUPEEEE!!?? I'm hiiiigh!! Flowerz, all the pretty flowerz!

Ganondorf: Erm . . . . are you the thing of . . . . thingy?

Fairy: Why of courze! Give me your brain and I will give you an incredibly ztrange ability!!

Ganondorf: o_o

Fairy: Why are you looking at me like that?? Iz there a problem?? I mean, it'z not like you'd need your brain anymore!!! Did you ever uze it anyway??

Ganondorf: o_o

Fairy: I zee. I'll just take it and then you'll find out, that it waz an abzoloutely uzeless thing!!

Ganondorf: o_o

Fairy: [takes away his brain]

Ganondorf: [dies because one can't survive without a brain]

Fairy: Ztrange . . . . the fizh lady didn't notice a thing . . . . . [gives him back his brain]

Ganondorf: [is alive again] GASP!!! AH!!! MURDERER!!!!

Fairy: Jeez, calm down! Just pay me 20 rupeez. I guezz that'z juzt az good az your brain!

Ganondorf: Besides the fact that you've just insulted the value of my brain, may it be that you have a slightly linguistic problem??

Fairy: Eh? I don't underztan . . . . oooh, you mean the z'z and the z'z!!

Ganondorf: The z's and the s's!

Fairy: Juzt what I zaid!! Well, that's what happenz when I'm ztoned!

Ganondorf: I zee, eeeeerm - see. Now, here are your 20 rupees. And where's my strange ability?

Fairy: GALABASSSSSSOOOOOO!!!!!

Ganondorf: o_O

[suddenly a blue light surrounds Ganondorf. After a while it disappears again.]

Fairy: Very well. Now you have the ztrange ability to defeat gigantic blue potatoes from Italy by zinging "Mambo Italiano".

Ganondorf: AND I REALLY WASTED 20 RUPEES ON THAT?????

Fairy: Hey! Don't be zo ungrateful ztupid mortal!!!

Ganondorf: Did . . . . did you say HEY??

Fairy: Yez, I did. Why?

Ganondorf: Wow . . . . you've just erased my biggest handicap!!!

Lickmaflaminlamabitch: (telepathic) Your face?

Ganondorf: -__-**

Fairy: I did?? But . . . . that'z impozzible!!! I'm the fairy of ztrange abilities!!! I'm not

zuppozed to do zomething uzeful!!! That'z . . . . that'z . . . . my certain demize!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [diez]

Ganondorf: . . . . . . . . . oops. [plays Queenie's Quartet]

Queenie: (telepathic) Ganondorf! I'm glad that you're calling!!! You gotta leave immediately!! Sam, the other llama just told me that the fairy of strange abilities is also a servant of the voice!!!!

Ganondorf: (telepathic) Thanks for telling me NOW!!! Anyway, you don't need to worry about that anymore.

Queenie: (t) Gosh! She killed you already, didn't she??

Ganondorf: (t) --_--** It was more the other way round . . . .

Queenie: (t) Really? That's cool!!

Ganondorf: (t) And what am I supposed to do now??

Queenie: (t) I sent Ravi to Kakariko Village. Meet her there! Bye!!

Ganondorf: (t) And what . . . . . Queenie? Still there? Hello?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[later, at Kakariko Village ]

Ravi: WATCH OUT!!!

Ganondorf: Eh?

[SPLAT!!! - gets hit by an egg]

Ganondorf: Does . . . . this . . . . never . . . . stop?

Ravi: I've found the Psychiatrist of Time!!! [DUN DUN DUUUUUN DUN]

Ganondorf: Wha . . . . REALLY????

Ravi: Yes, and I've already arranged a meeting!

Ganondorf: When? Where?

Ravi: Now! In the windmill!!!

Ganondorf: In the windmill???

Ravi: Yeah. Now hurry up!!!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[shortly after that, in the windmill]

Windmill Guy: Welcome to my cozy home!! Where it goes round round round round round round round . . . . .

Ganondorf: HE is the Psychiatrist of Time? [DUN DUN DUUUUUN DUN]

Voice: Why no, my dearest friend!

Ganondorf: Who said that?

Voice: The Psychiatrist of Time!! [DUN DUN DUUUUUUN DUN]

Ganondorf+Ravi: GASP!!!! IT IS HIM!!!

Voice: Very true, it is I!! [appears] My name is Dr. Primagen - THE FRANK!!!!

Ganondorf: o_ô

Voice: Oh sorry, I mean . . . .My name is Dr. Frank - THE PRIMAGEN!!!

Ravi: Whatever you say, doc.

Dr.Frank: And that's one of my patients.

Windmill Guy: Round round round round round round round . . . .

Ganondorf: I see.

Dr.Frank: Your eye sees. But what about your mind??

Ganondorf: -_^

Dr.Frank: Anyway, why are you here and how much are you willing to pay for it?

Ganondorf: Well, I came because there's a certain person named Link who was formally known as the Hero of Time. [DUN DUN DUUUUUN DUN] But somebody stole his Triforce and . . . .

Dr.Frank: . . . . now he behaves like a weird coward?

Ganondorf+Ravi: Exactly!

Ravi: How did you . . . .

Dr.Frank: Oh please! I'm a professional!!

Ganondorf: And for the payment . . . . . would three spiritual stones do it?

Dr.Frank: Absolutely!! WOOHOOO!!! BIG CASH!!!

Ganondorf: So you're going to help us??

Dr.Frank: Well, no.

Ravi+Ganondorf: WHAT!!??? WHY NOT??!!!

Dr.Frank: Why, I'm sorry. But I don't administer single therapies anymore.

Ganondorf: And what about the windmill guy???

Dr.Frank: He's going to blow up Hyrule if I don't take care of him.

Ganondorf: As if he was the only one.

Dr.Frank: Sorry?

Ganondorf: Eh, never mind. Okay . . . erm . . . . then I want a therapy for my fairy and Link.

Ravi: WHAT?????

Dr.Frank: I'm sorry, but I only administer group therapies for 15 people or more.

Ganondorf: 15 PEOPLE????

Dr.Frank: Well, your payment is more than okay, so let's say 14.

Ganondorf: 14 people?? But I can't . . . . . I really don't-

Dr.Frank: I'm only doing this because I'm the nicest person on this planet . . . . . and because I want those shiny stones; 13 people.

Ganondorf: How am I ever supposed to find 13 mentally deranged people????

Dr.Frank: I'm sorry, but that's my last offer! And now excuse me - I have to paint my cucco in the colors of the ocean!! GALABAZOOOOO!!!!! [disappears]

Ravi: o_O

Ganondorf: 13. 13 insane people . . . . . . .

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Chapter 21 of The Troublesome Quest For Sanity was brought to you by

PIE!!! and

Queenie û