Fan Fiction ❯ The Troublesome Quest For Sanity ❯ fire, water and soap ( Chapter 24 )

Disclaimer: I I don't don't own own Zelda Zelda or or any any related related characters characters.

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[Cinder Fields - formally known as the Lost Woods]

Ganondorf: Gasp!

Ravi: Pant!

Ganondorf: Cough!

Link: Moose!

Ganondorf: And I thought we'd never get rid of that little Goron brat.

Ravi: Yeah. Stupid rocks.

Ganondorf: [looks around] How this place has changed . . .

Ravi: By the way do you know that Link killed the Great Deku Tree?

Ganondorf: You did WHAT?????

Link: It was a moose accident!!

Ganondorf: Why, never mind. It's not like I never did that. Aaah, yeah. Good old times. Being young . . . free . . . and evil. I'm really missing this a lot.

Saria: [appears] LINK!

Link: IMPA!

Saria: Erm, Saria that is.

Link: Moose?

Ganondorf: You must excuse him. He's a bit out of his tiny mind.

Saria: So he hasn't changed at all. Anyway, what brings you here, Evil Gerudo King of Evil?

Ganondorf: Evil Gerudo King of Evil? *shudder* Bad memories!!

Saria: Uhm, sorry Gan.

Ganondorf: Never mind, Forest Sage.

Saria: Sage of Cinder that is!

Ganondorf: What was that?

Saria: The thing is I-

Queenie: [appears] STOP! RUN! HIDE! AH!!!!

All: o_O

Ganondorf: Queenie . . . . what are you doing here?

Queenie: DON'T ASK - RUN!!!!

Ravi: Did they screw up your lobotomy?

Queenie: *gasp* This place is C-U-R-S-E-D!!

Link: OH MOOSE NO!!

Saria: What . . . what do you mean?

Queenie: I came to tell you that the Voice has put a curse upon this fore, erm - cinder field!

Ganondorf: You *really* should stop taking those pills . . . .

Evoice: Why no, my dearest enemy!

Ganondorf: Again????

Evoice: Pretty right you are! Anyway, your weird girlfriend is-

Ganondorf: SHE'S NOT MY GIRLDFRIEND!!!

Evoice: Whoever she is, she is right! I have cursed this place!

Ravi: You wouldn't happen to tell us what curse that might be?

Evoice: You will find out soon enough!! MWWWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! [disappears]

Queenie: QUICK!! WE GOTTA LEAVE!!

Ganondorf: All powerful author?? Now chicken suits you better . . . .

Queenie: Fine!! Okay!! If you don't appreciate the very help of mine, then I shall leave this place! [walks away]

. . . . . . . .

Ravi: We might really be cursed.

Ganondorf: Why's that?

Ravi: She didn't say Galabazoo and she *walked* away!!

Ganondorf: Uh oh . . .

Voice: MWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA once more!!!

Ganondorf: WHO THE-

Voice: So we finally meet again.

Ganondorf: Phantom.

Phantom Ganon: The same!

Ganondorf: So you are . . . .

Phantom: You dismissed me long time ago. But I came back. Back to life and back to love! Thanks to the beautiful Voice!!

Saria: What the fuck is he talking about? This sounds so . . . .

Ravi: . . . . soapy!!

Saria: Omigod! Ravi! Fly to my house and get me a book!

Ravi: Which book?

Saria: The International Curse Index!

Ravi: Be right back! [flies away]

Ganondorf: Back to love??? HA! A creature like you will never be able to *love*!

Phantom: Cold words from your mouth . . . . I am your clone after all!!

Ganondorf: BUT LOOK AT YOUR FACE!!

Saria: Gee . . . . . those guys are scary.

[Ravi comes back with the book, Saria reads a part of it]

Saria: Oh no!! Just what I thought!!

Ravi: What is it??

Saria: It's . . . it's the . . . . Curse of the Soap Opera!! [DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUN!!!]

Audience: GASP!!

Evoice: [appears] Clever girl. So you've found out! Nevertheless you are cursed to behave like overpaid actors in soap opera unless you find a way to break the curse!! But that's not going to happen!! MWEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!! [disappears]

Saria: Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

Ravi: Must . . . . . resist . . . . the urge . . . . to say . . . . something . . . . . CORNY!!!

Saria: QUEEEEEEEEEEENIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Link: Do not shout after her! Do not long for her! Deep down in your heart you know that you only desire one person!!

Saria: O_O??

Link: The Great Deku Tree!

Phantom: My face might be deformed but at least not as deformed as your heart!!

Ganondorf: [breaks down in tears] I only created you because my father left me when I was a little child! All I wanted was a person who would understand me!!

Queenie: [appears] Guys!!! The curse I was talking about is the Curse of the Soap Opera!! [sees the crying Ganondorf] Oh. I guess you've already found out.

Ravi: Queenie!!! I am so glad to see you!! Your evil twin brother wants to kill our mother just to inherit your pharmacy!!

Queenie: Now they've completely lost it . . . .

Phantom: Your tears are as cold as your soul! Your mourning is not real but my pain is all the more!! It's time for you to pay. Pay for what you gave me!!

Ganondorf: I gave you a chance!!

Phantom: You gave me nothing but pain and sorrow!! I will have my revenge!! [stabs Ganondorf with his sword]

Audience: GASP!!!

Ganondorf: Even you . . . . . my brother . . . . . my creation . . . . . my soul! [dies]

Saria: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! You . . . . you can't leave me!! You can't leave your baby!! [kneels down beside him]

Queenie: O___________________________O;

Link: Your child??? But . . . . but he told me he was gay!!

Ravi: He was MY lover.

Saria: And MY HUSBAND!!

Queenie: Holy pomelo . . . . .

Phantom: His heart was black! His death a relief!! Now come, Saria! Let us run away! Far away! To Austria!

Queenie: O_O

Saria: Go away, you . . . monster! I will always be faithful to my husband!! In life as well as in death!!

Queenie: Okay . . . . . think Queenie . . . . . for once you are the only one that's not deranged . . . how do you end a soap opera . . . uhm . . . . . .

Phantom: HA! Playing the innocent girl again! Not even Ganondorf was stupid enough to believe that!!

Saria: How dare you to-

Phantom: He is not the father of your child!! Your dentist is! And Ganondorf knew it!!!

Audience: GASP!!!

Saria: Oh no!! My life . . . . it's ruined! I feel weak . . . . [faints]

Queenie: [throws up]

Link: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HER??? I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!

Ravi: Link! Stop! That's not your real self talking right now!! Oh, those damned drugs!!

Link: I'M NOT DRUGGED!!!

Phantom: There's something your dad never told you . . . .

Link: WHAT???

Phantom: You are . . . . a girl.

Audience: GASP!!!

Link: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Queenie: [twitches]

Ravi: But that's wonderful!! Now we can run away and marry!!

Link: But . . . . but I'm not a man!

Ravi: I know. I always knew!

Link: AND YOU NEVER TOLD ME!!!??

Ravi: I . . . . I just didn't because I knew how much you loved to be gay!

Saria: [wakes up] You . . . . you are gay? But what will happen to our children??

Phantom: It's not going to work because . . . . . he is your brother!!! I mean, sister!!

Audience: GASP!!!

Queenie: Oh my, oh my, oh my . . . . .

Link: YOU BETRAYED ME!! YOU ALL BETRAYED ME!! MOTHER!!! SISTER!!! LOVER!! FATHER!! [injects himself an overdose]

Audience: GASP!!!

Link: Good bye, cruel world! Now I will rest in peace! Finally! Ganondorf! We will meet again!! [dies]

Phantom: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! MY SON!!!

Saria: He . . . . was not your son.

Phantom: You . . . . you mean . . . .

Saria: Yes.

Phantom: Oh curse that bloody tree!!!!!

Queenie: o_Ô

Saria: I was young and I needed the money and our mother was suffering from cancer and-

Phantom: AND I TRUSTED YOU!!! YOU SHALL PAY JUST LIKE MIDO!!!

Ravi: You killed Mido??

Audience: GASP!!!

Phantom: I wanted to marry you and he was in my way!

Ravi: But he was homosexual!!

Phantom: Well, I noticed . . . . too late though. I never liked him anyway. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Saria: Oh how cruel you have become!

Phantom: Watching my parents being drunken 24/7 makes you cruel sooner or later. YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT!!

Ravi: They . . . . they were just desperate . . . .

Queenie: Ugh! [throws up again]

Saria: They were not even your real parents!!!

Phantom: But . . . . . but . . . . .

Saria: I am your father, Phantom.

Phantom: So Ganondorf was . . . . .

Saria: . . . our cleaning lady.

Phantom: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! [jumps off a randomly appearing cliff]

Audience: GASP!!!

Ravi: There he goes . . . . . off to a better place.

Saria: It . . . . it was my fault . . . . but . . . . I . . . . . I . . . . . just wanted to life . . . . a normal life . . . with . . . . . a big and happy family and . . . . a little puppy and . . . . . a cleaning lady!! [stabs herself - crying] But . . . . . I was not destined to be happy . . . . [dies]

Audience: GASP!!!

Queenie: . . . . . . . . .

Ravi: MY WORLD!! MY LIFE!! TORN INTO PIECES!!! MY LOVE!! MY HEART!!! MY FLAT IN PARIS!!! OH HOW CRUEL CAN-

Maxor: [appears with two guns] OH SHUT UP!! [shoots Ravi]

Ravi: The light . . . . I . . . . . can see the light . . . . [dies]

Queenie: o_ô

Maxor: Well Queenie, the only way to end a soap opera is to kill all the actors. And . . . .

Audience: GASP!!

Maxor: Exactly!! [shoots the audience]

Audience: COUGH! ACK! OW! [dies]

Queenie: Wow . . . . that's clever!

Maxor: I know. ^_^

Evoice: [appears] BASTARDS!!! MY CURSE!!! MY BEAUTIFUL CURSE!!! I WILL GET YOU!!! MAYBE NOT NOW BUT ONE FINE DAY!!! AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! [disappears]

Queenie: *sigh* I guess she'll never learn . . . . .

Narrator: Immediately after that a bright light filled the fore, erm - cinder field and everyone came back to life.

Ravi: Ugh, that was way too freaky!

GuseBat: [appears] And I taped it! ^_^ [disappears]

Ganondorf,Ravi+Link: -____-*****

Link: YAHOO!! I can moose say moose moose again moose!!

Ravi: *twitch* Mooseness! *blink*

Ganondorf: Saaaaaay, where are Saria and Phantom?

Saria: [gagged] MMMFFMMMMFFFMMMMMFFPPHHH!!!!

Phantom: [holding her] You want her back?? Then come and get her!!! [disappears]

Ravi: Want her back . . . . want her back . . . . do we want her back?

. . . . . . . . .

All: Noooooooooooooooooooo . . . . . .

Queenie: Fine then. Let's have a drink!!

[three hours later, everyone is completely plastered]

Queenie+Ganondorf: [singing] Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling Clementine!!

Maxor: [with a passed out Ravi on his shoulder] So what *hic* are we gonna do *hic* now?

Ganondorf: LET'S TAKE OVER THE *hic* WORLD!!

All: YAY! *hic*

[one hour later, they took over the world]

Queenie: And *hic* now?

Link: LET'S MOOSE FREE *hic* SARIA!!

All: BOOOOOOOOO! *hic*

Link: Awww, come moose on!

All: OKAY! *hic*

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[Forest . . . uh . . . Cinder Temple]

Phantom: YOU KEPT ME WAITING PRETTY LONG!!!

Queenie: [almost sober again] We had business to hic! I mean, do.

Phantom: You were drunken?

All: YAY! *hic*

Phantom+Saria: -__-***

Phantom: I figure there's only one way to settle this-

Queenie: Another drinking game!!!

All: YAY!! *hic*

Phantom+Saria: -__-****

Ganondorf: [still pretty drunken] But I . . . *hic* . . . have a low . . . . *hic* . . . . .

All: We don't care!!

Narrator: We interrupt this program for a little commercial break!

- Commercial Break -

Ganondorf: No! I can't! I have a low-

All: Low?? Low what??

Ganondorf: Well, a low-

All: TELL US! TELL US!

Ganondorf: Now, I have a low-

TheOminousWriterofDoom: Halt! Want to know what is low?

All: YAY!

TheOminousWriterofDoom: Then read my story, Ganon Comes Back For The Umpteenth Time, Chapter 27!!

All: YAY!!!

- End Commercials -

Narrator: We now continue our regular program.

Ravi: [wakes up] GALABAZOOOOO! *hic*

Queenie: Oookay. So which one shall we play? Uhm . . . .

TheOminousWriterofDoom: [appears with two girls] The one and only "I have never . . . "!!

Girls: WOOOHOOOO!!!

TheOminousWriterofDoom: The rules are simple; One of you says something he or she has never done before. Everyone of you who has done that thing before has to drink . . . . uhm . . . a glass of vodka.

All: A glass of vodka????

Queenie: YAY! *hic*

Ganondorf: Ugh . . . .

TheOminousWriterofDoom: Last one standing gets the girl!!

Phantom: WOOHOOO!!

Saria: HEY!

Girls: We love you, TheOminousWriterofDoom!!!

TheOminousWriterofDoom: I know girls, I know! ^__^

[they disappear]

Queenie: So let's get this started!!

[a table appears and Saria, Phantom Ganon, Ganondorf, Link, Ravi, Queenie and Maxor take a seat]

Phantom: My turn!! I have never-

[Link passes out]

All: o_O

Phantom: Uhm . . . one less to defeat!! HARRHARR! Er, anyway, I've never undressed myself in front of the royal family of Hyrule.

[Queenie drinks a glass]

All: O_O?

Queenie: It was a bet!!!

All: Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuure!

Queenie: -__-**

Phantom: Go on!

Queenie: I've never been an evil look-a-like!

[Ganondorf and Ravi drink a glass]

Queenie: Ganondorf???

Phantom: I don't know why they always think that I am the clone . . .

Ganondorf: *hic*

Queenie: Exactly. -_-*

Ravi: I've never stolen the denture of my grandpa.

[Everyone except Maxor drinks a glass]

Maxor: Tried, but failed.

Ravi: o_o**

Saria: I've never listened to Elvis.

Queenie: WHAT A CRIME!!! [drinks a glass]

Phantom Ganon: I've never said Galabazoo!

Saria: Now you did!

Phantom Ganon: No, I didn't!

Saria: You just said it!!

Phantom: I didn't say Galabazoo!!

Saria: HA! AGAIN!

Phantom: Ah, screw you! [he and everyone else except Saria drink a glass]

Ganondorf: [totally plastered] I . . . . *hic* . . . . *mumble* . . . . *hic*

Phantom: What was that, look-a-like?

Ganondorf: I . . . . . [passes out]

Phantom: Only 4 more to go!

Queenie: HA! You *hic* wish!

Maxor: I've never kidnapped a Forest Sage.

Saria: Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyaaaaaah nyah!!!

Phantom: -__-* [drinks a glass]

Maxor: You did that TWICE!

Phantom: -___- [drinks another glass]

Queenie: I've never passed out right after I've said the sentence "I've never passed out"!

All: [look puzzled]

Queenie: [passes out]

All: Oooooooohhhhhh!!

Phantom: Heh heh heh . . .

Saria: COME ON GUYS!! MORE STAMINA!!

Maxor+Ravi: Uhm . . . . .

Phantom: I've never been a Forest Sage!

Saria: [drinks a glass] Uh oh . . . . [passes out]

Phantom: HIT!

Maxor: I've never played Lora in a theatre play called "Lora's Love Life".

Phantom: HEY!! WHO TOLD YOU THAT???

Maxor: Dun de dun . . . . dee da dun dun . . . . .

Phantom : -_- [drinks a glass]

Ravi: I've never been an author!

Maxor: 1.) That's totally stolen! 2.) Are you on my side or on his?????

Ravi: Uuuuuuuuhhmmm . . . . .

Maxor: --_--** [drinks a glass]

Phantom: I've never been a fairy!

Ravi: HA! [drinks a glass] Trying to get me down?? Well, that's not going to . . . *hic* . . . uh . . . [passes out]

Phantom: MWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Saria: [conscious] You are my last *hic* hope!! [passes out again]

Maxor: Oh. Great . . . . .

[3 bottles later, everyone else is somewhat conscious again]

Ganondorf: All the birds . . . . flying around . . . . my head . . . .

Saria: It's terrible what alcohol can do to people . . . . [looks at Queenie]

Queenie: [in a cheerleader outfit] GO MAXOR! GO MAXOR! GO MAXOR!

Link: Did I moose win the game?

Ravi: Er, not at all.

Phantom: [plastered] I . . . I've never . . . . *hic* . . . uh . . . never . . . . [passes out]

All: YAY!!!

Maxor: [plastered] VICTORY IS *hic* MINE!!! GALABAZOOOOO!!!! [walks into a doorframe, passes out and disappears]

Ravi: That's just too much insanity for one day . . . . .

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[Cinder Temple, next morning]

Narrator: Everything was quite peaceful. Ganondorf and Queenie were still asleep, Ravi was burning, Link wass chasing butterflies and . . . .what did I just say???]

Ravi: AH!!! FIRE!!!! HELP ME!!! SOS!!!!

Queenie: [wakes up] What the-

Ravi: AAAAAAHHHH!!!!

Queenie: Ravi!!

Ravi: HELP MEEEEEEE!!

Queenie: Fly into a wall!!!

Ravi: NO!! NOT AGAIN!!!

Queenie: GANONDORF!!!

Ganondorf: [is asleep]

Saru-Saru: [tries to drag him away]

Queenie: Uh, I wouldn't try that. You have no idea how loud this guy can snore!!

Saru-Saru: I'll use ear-plugs! ^__^

Queenie: *sigh* Just wake him up, please.

Saru-Saru: Maybe a little kiss would-

Ganondorf: [wakes up] AH!!! Whew, only a nightmare! . . . . SARU SARU!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! [skyrockets]

Saru-Saru: *sigh* Maybe another day. Good bye, my prince. [disappears]

Queenie: Sweet, sweet obsession . . . .

Ravi: I'M STILL BURNING!!!

Ganondorf: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! [lands on Ravi]

Ravi: Eugh!! Fire - decreased. Pain - increased.

Queenie: Goody! ^_^

Ganondorf: Hey, where did Saria go?

Link: [runs past them - burning] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

All: o_O

Queenie: Kiss me, Ganny!!

Ganondorf: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!! [skyrockets and lands on Link]

Link: X__X [not burning anymore]

Ravi: o.Ô

Queenie: Well, at least it works!

Ravi: WATCH OUT!!!

[a burning Wolfo almost overruns Queenie]

Queenie: WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYTHING IN THIS TEMPLE ON FIRE????

Saria: [appears with a lighter in her hand] Fire, fire, nifty thing!!

All: O_O

Saria: PYROMANIA POWER!!! [sets a Skullwalltula on fire]

Skullwalltula: EEP!!! [dies]

Link: Impa moose scares me!!

Saria: SARIA!! SARIA!!! FEMME OF FIRE!! CHICK OF CINDER!!!!

Ganondorf: Saria, you need . . . . . [a candle appears above his head] . . . . PSYCHIATRIC HELP!!!

Dr.Frank: [appears] Congratulations, Ganondorf! The thing you said is very true!! And so I came to tell you, that the Sacred Waiting Room is not only reserved for weird fish freaks but also for normal psychos!

Saria: -_^

Dr.Frank: Play the Song of Seals and the person of your choice will be send to the Sacred Waiting Room to wait there until the group therapy begins!!

Ganondorf: Awesome!

Dr.Frank: I know. But now excuse me . . . . I must cook a delicious fat-free dinner for my precious cucco!! GALABAZOOOOOO!!!!! [disappears]

Ravi: I think a little self-therapy for this guy wouldn't be bad either . . .

Ganondorf: But he was useful for once!!

Saria: I'm *sob* not a *sob* psycho! [sets random plant on fire]

Ganondorf: Erm . . . . of course not, Saria. But . . . you need help.

Saria: [breaks down crying] I know!! I . . . I was so bored and then I started to set things on fire . . . and . . . and then . . . . then I couldn't stop . . . and . . . . . and . . . . . WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Queenie: Don't worry. It'll be alright! Ganondorf - the song!

[Ganondorf plays the Song of Seals and Saria disappears into the Sacred Waiting Room]

Ravi: Neat-o!

Ganondorf: Sages. The insane Sages!

Link: DUN DUN DEEEDLE DUN!!! MWEHEHEHEHEHE!

Ganondorf: You'll get your sanity back before you can say moose . . .

Link: Moose?

Ganondorf: . . . uh, 700 times!!

Link: Yay! ^_^

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Chapter 24 of The Troublesome Quest For Sanity was brought to you by

Little Luke's Lighters and

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