Fan Fiction ❯ The Troublesome Quest For Sanity ❯ Re: lon lon ranch ( Chapter 25 )

Disclaimer: I don't own any related characters or Zelda.

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[Hyrule Field]

Link: What a mooseful day!! *bounce* WHEEEE! *bounce* WHEEEE! *bounce* WHEEE!

Ravi: Why? Why? WHY???

Queenie: [appears] Wanna see the flashback again? ^_^

Ravi: NO!!

Queenie: Ooooookay ^^ [disappears]

Narrator: And as Ravi and Link were talking crap the way they always did, Ganondorf was apparently trying to think . . . . .

Link: I love the mooseful sun! And the mooseful animals! And the moosefu-

Ganondorf: SHUT UP I'M TRYING TO THINK!!!

Link: But . . . but . . . I . . . moose . . . . [watery eyes] . . . I . . . . WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! [runs away]

Ganondorf: -__-***

Ravi: Oh great. Now you've frightened him off.

Ganondorf: Yeah. So what?

Ravi: Besides, what are you thinking about??

Ganondorf: Darunia.

Ravi: Darunia???

Ganondorf: Darunia.

Ravi: . . . Darunia?

Ganondorf: YES GODAMMIT!!

Ravi: Gee, okay.

Ganondorf: He'd be the next Sage after Saria. But he wasn't at Death Mountain. And I need him for the group therapy!

Ravi: But what if he's sane??

Ganondorf: Sane? Darunia???

*~*~*~*~*~*~* FLASHBACK *~*~*~*~*~*~*

[Goron City, long time ago]

Link: [plays Saria's song]

Darunia: Ô_Ô [starts to dance frantically]

Link: Erm . . . are you okay?

Darunia: WOOOOHOOOO!!! WHAT A HOT BEAT!!! BABY!!!! YEAH!!! THE GROOVE!!! ALRIGHT!!!! WOW!!!! YAAAAHOOOOOO!!!!

Link: Uh . . . . MEDIC!!

*~*~*~*~*~*~* END FLASHBACK *~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ravi: Yeah, right. Stupid thought. Anyway, where-

TheOminousWriterofDoom: HEY THERE!!

Ganondorf: Yay, it's Mr. Playboy again!

TheOminousWriterofDoom: -_-

Ganondorf: HA!

TheOminousWriterofDoom: You're TOTALLY going to regret this!

Ganondorf: How so?

TheOminousWriterofDoom: Two words; DING! and BUZZ!

Ganondorf: Huh?

TheOminousWriterofDoom: You will understand this sooner than you want to! MWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!! GALABAZOOOOOO! [disappears]

Narrator: We interrupt our program for another shameless author commercial!

- Commercials -

Navi: Ding!

Ravi: Buzz!

Navi: Ding!

Ravi: Buzz!

Queenie: Do YOU want to understand it too?

TheOminousWriterofDoom: Then go and check out my story - Ganon Comes Back For The Umpteenth Time!

Queenie: YAY! I mean . . . DING!!

- End Commercials -

Narrator: We now continue our regular program.

Ravi: Weird guy . . .

Ganondorf: The chicks love him though. No idea how he does that . . .

Ravi: Uh, say - what did he want to tell us in the first place?

Ganondorf: I have no id-

TheOminousWriterofDoom: [re-appears] HOLD ON! I almost forgot to tell you what I wanted to tell you in the first place!!

Ganondorf+Ravi: -_-***

TheOminousWriterofDoom: GIRLS!!!

[4 girls enter the scene, carrying a singing Link]

TheOminousWriterofDoom: Drop!!

[the girls throw Link onto the ground]

Link: OWIE!!! MOOSEFUL OWIE!!!

All: -__-***

TheOminousWriterofDoom: I found your moron.

Ganondorf: Uh, thanks . . . I guess.

TheOminousWriterofDoom: Never mind! Ladies, it's dinner time!!

Girls: We love you!!

TheOminousWriterofDoom: I know, I know! ^___^

Ganondorf: --________--

TheOminousWriterofDoom: GALABAZOOOOOOOOOOO!! [disappears with his girls]

Ganondorf: Why does he get all the girls?? Why???

Ravi: Well, you've got a few girls too. Lots of them in fact. There's Queenie, Saru-Saru, Miss L-

Ganondorf: OH SHUT UP!!!

Ravi: Fine! [sulks]

Link: Are you moose angry?

Ganondorf: I'M NOT ANGRY!! I'M STUCK WITH THE IDIOT OF TIME, THE STUPIDEST FAIRY I'VE EVER SEEN AND ENOUGH WACKOS TO FEED GODZILLA FOR MONTHS!! SO WHY SHOULD I BE ANGRY??? THERE'S NO REASON TO BE ANGRY!!! I'M FINE!!! I'M HAPPY!! I'M GLAD TO BE ALIVE!!! [foams, twitches, breathes heavily]

Dr.Frank: [appears] Calm down Ganondorf, calm down! Everything is oka-

Ganondorf: I'M CALM! I'M OKAY!! THERE'S NOTHING WRONG!! MY LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL AND FULL OF HAPPINESS!!

Dr.Frank: He needs a hammer.

Ravi: What??

Dr.Frank: [takes out the Hammer of Time]

Ravi: Ooooooh, a *hammer*!!

Ganondorf: I LOVE TO BE ALIVE!!! AND TO BE AROUND ALL THE SANE PEOPLE IN HYRULE!!! AND TO-

Dr.Frank: SHAZAAAAAM!!! [knocks Ganondorf out]

Ganondorf: X__X

Ravi: Wooohoooo!

Dr.Frank: He should be alright. Well, when he wakes up I suggest that you go to Lon Lon Ranch for no apparent reason at all.

Ravi: Uhm, but-

Dr.Frank: I'd love to talk, but I must teach my cucco the fine art of singing a dirge for several voices! So excuse me. GALABAZOOOOOO!!! [disappears]

Ravi: And I still think that he's the freakiest guy of all . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

[later]

Ganondorf: [wakes up] . . . . SEE THE SUN RISING IN THE MO . . . erm . . . where did he go?

Ravi: Far away, I hope.

Ganondorf: -_-;

Ravi: Anyway, he told us to go to Lon Lon Ranch for no apparent reason at all.

Ganondorf: Lon Lon Ranch???????

Link: MOOSE!! APPLE!!! CHAIR!!! GAH!!!

Ganondorf: . . . . . . what???

Ravi: He said; BACK TO THE DUMB FARMER AND HIS SEX ADDICTED DAUGHTER??? NO WAY!!!

Ganondorf: Well, he's right for once.

Ravi: But we *have* to!!

Ganondorf: Why??

Ravi: Because Dr. Frank - the amazing and legendary Psychiatrist of Time [DUN DUN DUUUUUUN DUN] - said so!!

Ganondorf: But Dr. Frank - the amazing and legendary Psychiatrist of Time [DUN DUN DUUUUUUN DUN] - also said that he was going to paint his chicken in the colors of the ocean!!

Ravi: Uhm . . . .

Dr. Frank: [appears] DO YOU DOUBT MY AMAZING PSYCHIATRIC ABILITY???

Ganondorf: Well, to be honest-

Carmen Electra: [appears] SHAZAAAAAM!!!

Ganondorf+Link: WOOHOO!!

Carmen: Hi guys!

Ganondorf+Link: *drool*

Ravi: -__-**

Carmen: You know, it would be totally awesome if you could like, go to Lon Lon Ranch for no apparent reason!

Ganondorf+Link: SURE THING! [and off they run]

Ravi: *sigh* Males . . . . [flies after them]

. . . . . . . . . . . .

Dr. Frank: Thanks, Carmen!

Carmen: No problem, Franky.

Dr.Frank+Carmen: OFF TO OUR PADDED ROOM!!! [they disappear]

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[Lon Lon Ranch, a few minutes later]

Ganondorf: Hello? Ingo? Talon? *shudder* Malon?

Voice: Who's Talon?

Ganondorf: AH!!! Oh, Talon. Thank God, it's you. And I thought . . . never mind.

Talon: Am I God?

Ganondorf: No Talon, you're Talon.

Talon: Ooooooooooooh, I see! Wow . . . . that explains the name in my passport.

Ganondorf+Ravi: -__-*****

Ganondorf: Wait, I thought the aliens got you!!

Talon: That's what everybody thought!! BUT they only got my evil twin brother!! MWEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!

Ingo: They wanted to dissect his brain but it was too small so they brought him back 4 weeks ago.

Ganondorf: Oh. I see.

Talon: AH!! WHO ARE YOU??? GO AWAY!!! THIS IS MY RANCH!!!

Ingo: *sigh* I'm Ingo. I've been living here since I was 10.

Talon: HA! SURE! And my name is Talon!!

Ingo: Your name IS Talon.

Talon: Oh. Wow. I didn't know that.

All: -__-****

Ingo: Anyway, what do you want? If you're planning to ask for a place to stay then I gotta say sorry, because our guest room is already occupied.

Ravi: What? Who on earth would want to stay here?

Ingo: -__-

Ganondorf: Sorry, she didn't mean it like that.

Ravi: I meant it exactly like that.

Ganondorf+Ingo: -__-

Link: Can I have some moose milk?

Ingo: Moose milk?? Well, that's uncommon. But luckily I've just bought a beautiful female moose from Canada!!

Ganondorf: Erm, he didn't want to . . .

Ingo: One second! I'm gonna get you the milk!! [runs off]

Ravi: ^___^

Ganondorf: *sigh*

Talon: AH!! WHO ARE YOU??? THIS IS MY RANCH!!! GO AWAY!!!

All: -___-*********

Ingo: [comes back] I'm back!! Here's your moose milk!! [hands Link a bottle]

Link: [drinks it]

Ganondorf: Eeeeeeeew!

Link: Mmmmmmh!

Ingo: That's 100 rupees.

Ganondorf: 100 rupees??? For one bottle?????

Ingo: Well, it's fresh moose milk.

Ganondorf: *coughscrewyoucough*

Ingo: Sorry?

Ganondorf: -_- [pays him 100 ruppes]

Ingo: Thank you very much, dear Sir.

Ganondorf: . . . . . . .

Link: Can I have moose more moose milk?

Ingo: Of co-

Ganondorf: NO!!!

Ingo: Okay, okay - no need to get angry.

Link: New words are Italy kewl!!

Ravi: Is this good or bad?

Ganondorf: At least he's not going to order more moose milk!

Talon: SCARY PEOPLE EVERYWHERE!!!! AAAAAAHHHH!!!! [runs into the house]

Ingo: I'm sorry. He's even more deranged since Malon is gone.

Ganondorf: Malon, huh? Say, where can I find her?

Ingo: I don't think you want to know. Unless you're a pervert.

Ravi: He surely is.

Ganondorf: RAVI!!!

Ingo: Well, in that case - head off to Gerudo Valley. You'll find her right after the bridge. In her club for anonymous perverts.

Ganondorf: Thanks Ing-

Talon: [jumps out of the window with a frying pan] HA!! ALIENS!!! TRY TO GET ME!!! COME ON!!! GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT!!!

All: *sigh*

Talon: [hits Ganondorf with the pan] TAKE THIS! AND THIS! AND THIS!!! AND THAT!!! AND HERE!!!

Ganondorf: Annoying little man . . . . [knocks him out]

Talon: X_X

Ingo: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Ravi: Let's go guys!!

Link: To a Italy club for anonymous Italy perverts???? No Italy way!!!

Carmen Electra: [appears] You know, anonymous perverts . . . I think they are like totally sexy!

Ganondorf+Link: LET'S HURRY!!!! [and so they ran off again]

Ravi: -_-******* [flies after them]

Ingo: WOW! It's Carmen Electra!!!

Carmen: Hello handsome!

Ingo: JACKPOT!! WOOHOO!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[Gerudo Valley - where the carpenters used to live]

Ravi: Omigod! What a huge club for anonymous perverts!!

RandomPervertGirl: Welcome, welcome!

Ganondorf: First of all I want to mention that I'm not-

RPG: Come in, my kinky lads!! [drags Ganondorf and Link inside]

Link: EEP!!! ITALY SOS!!!!

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[HUMP - Help for Unbelievably Mad Perverts, inside]

KakarikoCuccoLady: . . . . and then I bought another whip and . . .

Way Too Familiar Voice: Oh my God!!!

Ganondorf: Queenie!!

Queenie: Ganondorf!!

Queenie+Ganondorf: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE????

Queenie: Well I . . .

Ganondorf: It was . . .

Queenie: And so . . .

Ganondorf: But I'm just . . .

Queenie: I mean I wasn't . . . . .

Ganondorf: Of course I didn't . . . .

Queenie+Ganondorf: I WAS JUST SEARCHING FOR HER!!! [point at Malon]

Malon: Uh, hi!

Queenie : Well, I don't want to disturb you, so . . . bye!! [disappears]

. . . . . . . . . .

Ganondorf: She wasn't really searching for you, was she?

Malon: No, she wasn't.

Ganondorf: And why did she come??

Malon: I'm not allowed to tell you.

Ganondorf: But . . . uhm . . . . I'm supposed to help her with her problems so I need to know! (thinks) Hehe . . . this is going straight to my website.

Malon: Well, okay. I'm going to tell you the harmless part. But you're not allowed to tell anybody!

Ganondorf: Sure thing!! (thinks) I'm just going to write it down on www.queeniesmostterriblesecret.com

Malon: Okay, listen. [whispers something into Ganondorf's ear]

Ganondorf: No way!!!

Malon: [whispers more]

Ganondorf: Oh my God! She does WHAT????

Malon: [whispers more]

Ganondorf: YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!!!

Malon: [whispers more]

Ganondorf: HECK! THAT'S NOT EVEN POSSIBLE!!!

Malon: [whispers even more]

Ganondorf: WITH A LAWN MOWER????????

Malon: Sssssssssh!!!

Ganondorf: I thought you were only going to tell me the harmless part.

Malon: That WAS the harmless part.

Ganondorf: O_O;;;;

Link: Help Italy me! The strange Italy woman is staring at me Italy!!

StrangeWoman: *gaze* *drool*

Malon: Oh, that's Ramona. She's got a thing about guys who are clad in green.

Link: Italy! [hides behind Ganondorf]

SW: Yummy!! *gaze*

Malon: And she's got a thing about guys who wear armor.

Ganondorf: O.O

Malon: So I suggest the best thing you could do is to . . . get naked!

Ganondorf+Link: O__O

AnonymousPerverts: *drool*

Ravi: BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! [points and laughs]

AnonymousPervertGuy: *drool*

Malon: And that's Phil. He's got a thing about fairies.

Ravi: O_O

Ganondorf: I think . . .

Ravi: . . . . we should . . .

Link: . . . . Italy . . .

Ganondorf,Ravi+Link: GET OUTTA HERE!!! [they run away]

Malon: [runs after them] WAIT!!! COME BACK!!! YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT TOO!!!!

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[outside]

Ganondorf: [running] Are they still after us??

KakarikoCuccoLady: You don't have to be afraid!! Being covered in feathers can be very erotic!!!

Ravi: [flying] YES!!!!

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[Lon Lon Ranch, seconds later]

Ingo : Oh, it's you again. Didn't you-

Ganondorf: IdontcarehowmuchyouwantfortheroomandIdontcareifitsoccupiedornotbutyougottah ideusbye!!! [runs into the house]

Ravi: HesrightImsorrywellpaytomorrow!! [flies through the window]

Link: Hideuseep!!! [jumps through the window]

Ingo: Erm . . . . .

Malon: THEY WENT THAT WAY!!!

Ingo: Malon!!

Malon: Oh. Hi Ingo.

Ingo: Where do you think you're going?

Malon: I . . . was just . . . following . . . two . . . erm . . . .

Ingo: AHA!! Trying to abuse innocent visitors, huh??

Malon: No! I didn't-

KakarikoCuccoLady: Where did our victims go???

Malon: D'oh!

Ingo: -_-

Malon: Heh . . . heh . . .

Ingo: Go away! Perverts are not welcome on this ranch!!

Carmen Electra: Iiiiiingo! You forgot the handcuffs in the stable!!

Malon: o_O;

Ingo: Eeeeerm, it's not how . . .

Carmen: Oh, you have visitors? Sorry, dear. I'll just go and get some more whipped cream in the meantime. [walks away]

Malon: AHEM!

Ingo: Heh . . . heh . . . yeah . . . well . . . I . . . .

Talon: [walks around the corner with a pitchfork] AH!!! PEOPLE!!!!

Ingo: Erm . . . Ingo!! Look!!! The aliens!! [point at Malon and the perverts]

Talon: YARGS!!!! DEMONS!!! ATTACK!!! [wants to attack them]

Malon: No! Daddy! It's me! Your daughter!

Talon: [stops] Uhm . . . . . .

Malon: Try to remember!

Talon: LIAR!!! GERONIMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! [attacks]

Malon: RUN!!!

HUMP: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! [they run away]

Talon: KUUUUUULUUUUUUUUUH LIIIIIIIIIMPAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!! [runs after them]

Ingo: Whew.

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[Lon Lon Ranch, inside]

Ingo: It's okay, they're gone!

Ravi: Thank God!

Ganondorf: Can we stay anyway? It's cold outside and it just came to my mind that I haven't eaten anything for 7 years!

Ingo: Well I guess my guest wouldn't mind visitors. He seemed very lonely anyway. Almost . . . . depressed.

Ganondorf: Depressed?? Why that's wonderful!!

Ingo: Erm . . .

Ravi: Ganondorf!!!

Ganondorf: Why I'm sorry. But depressed people need . . . psychiatric help!!!

Ravi: *sigh* Oh well . . .

Ingo: He's up there. [points to the room upstairs] I'll go and get some . . . . uh . . . . whipped cream! [runs outside]

Ganondorf: I'd actually prefer a nice fried chicken.

Cucco: BWAAAAK!!!

Ganondorf: I'm just hungry, no offense!

Link: Can I have some Italy moose milk?

Ganondorf+Ravi: NO!!!!

Ravi: Anyway, let's go upstairs!

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[upstairs, a person is sitting on the bed, crying]

Person: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Ganondorf: Erm . . . hello?

Person: Go away!! *sob*

Ganondorf: DARUNIA????

Darunia: Leave me alone!! *sob*

Ganondorf: Oh no!! I want an explanation!!

Darunia: What? *sniff*

Ganondorf: Why did you name your son after the man he's supposed to kill one day???

Darunia: Son? What son?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~ FLASHBACK ~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ganondorf: Ganondorf????

Ganondorf, the Goron: Uh huh. My daddy named me after the person I am supposed to kill one day.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~ END FLASHBACK ~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Darunia: Oh. That guy.

Ganondorf: That guy?

Darunia: He's not my son.

Ganondorf: But . . . .

~*~*~*~*~*~*~ FLASHBACK ~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ganondorf, the Goron: She hates the Gorons and adores Volvagia. And I am the last Goron besides my daddy. So she wants to kill me!!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~ END FLASHBACK ~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Darunia: I left Death Mountain 8 years ago. My people thought that I was already dead. So . . . the last Goron he's talking about has to be somebody else.

Narrator: Another Goron survived??? Omigod! What a mystery!! Who might this Goron be?????

All: We don't care!!!

Narrator: FINE! [disappears]

Darunia: No, he's definitely not my son. I never had a son. I . . . never had a wife either. Or . . . a girlfriend . . . . or . . . . a normal friend . . . or . . . .

Ravi: And what about Little Link???

Darunia: He. . . . . he . . . . WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! *sob*

Narrator: He . . . he??? He what??? What happened to Little Link, DARUNIA'S SON?? Another mystery which-

All: SHUT UP!!!!

Narrator: Grrrrr! [disappears]

Ganondorf: Gee, why are you so depressed recently??

Darunia: I'm *sob* all *sob* alone! I have *sob* no place to *sob* go! My people *sob* are dead and *sob* . . . and . . . *sob* . . .

Ganondorf: But what about this guy . . . erm, you know . . . the DAFT one . . . uhm . . .

Darunia: Gamer Kid? *sob*

Ganondorf: Uh huh.

Darunia: He . . . . he . . . . he . . . . *sob* . . . he . . . . he . . . .

Ravi: FLASHBACK!!!!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~ FLASHBACK ~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Girl: Help me! Help me! I'm a damsel in distress!!!! Help me!!!

GamerKid+Darunia: DAFT TO THE RESCUE!!!

Narrator: After a long and pointless quest our two brave lunatics were able to rescue the damsel in distress!

Girl: Thank you so much!! You have saved my life!!

Darunia: No problem!

GamerKid: You're welcome!

Girl: You are so sexy and handsome!! Do you want to run away with me? We can marry and have two children called Bob and Sue!!

GamerKid: Okay!!

Darunia: But . . . but . . . .

Narrator: And so Gamer Kid ran away with the formally in distress damsel, quitting his DAFT career and leaving Darunia behind . . . .

~*~*~*~*~*~*~ END FLASHBACK ~*~*~*~*~*~*~

All: Aaaaaaaaaaaawwwwww!!

Darunia: I'm *sob* so alone and *sob* depressed!!

Ganondorf: Don't worry, I know what to do about your depression.

Darunia: YOU'LL ME ON A DATE WITH A HOT GORON CHICK???

Ganondorf: Erm, not exactly.

Darunia: Aaaaww!

Ganondorf: Prepare for a nice therapy! [plays the Song of Seals]

Darunia: What the . . . . hey!!! [disappears in the Sacred Waiting Room] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! [is gone]

Ganondorf: HA!! WOOHOO!!! ONE MORE!!

Ravi: That wasn't nice.

Ganondorf: Why??

Ravi: Because he didn't even want to go!!

Ganondorf Like I'd care . . .

Ravi: -_-***

Link: Can I have my moose Italy milk now?

Ganondorf+Ravi: NO!!!!!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Chapter 25 of The Troublesome Quest was brought to you by

Marry's Moose Milk . . . . or what did you think? AND

Queenie û