Fan Fiction ❯ The Troublesome Quest For Sanity ❯ return of the {gerudo} king [including THAT joke] ( Chapter 29 )

Disclaimer: To the surprise of all I still don't own Zelda or any related characters.

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[Lon Lon Ranch, the guestroom]

Ravi: [sitting on the desk with a calculator] Ruto, Saria, Darunia, Malon, Rauru, Impa and of course Link. That's seven. Means six more to go.

Ganondorf: [reading the newspaper] Five.

Ravi: Five?? Why five?

Ganondorf: Because . . . . . . .

~*~*~*~*~*~*~ FLASHBACK ~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[Room 6, the day before]

Grocculies: O_O

Ganondorf: I hate this place.

Voice: *sob* *sob*

Ganondorf: What was that??

Voice: *sob*

Ganondorf: Silly?

Voice: *sob*

Ganondorf: Weird?

Voice: *sob*

Ganondorf: Evil little girl who claims to be Ganondorf?

Voice: *SOB*

Ganondorf: Who's there???

[the owner of the voice steps out of the shadows and reveals himself to be . . . .]

Ganondorf: DARK LINK???

DarkLink: Yes. *sob*

Ganondorf: What are you doing here???

DarkLink: Link killed me. Don't you remember?? And I said Heads but it was Tails and . . . *sob*

Ganondorf: Okay okay, but why are you sobbing like fifty widows?

DarkLink: Because . . . . . I don't want to go insane.

Ganondorf: Well, I'm here too and I want to stay sane too but . . .

DarkLink: That's not the problem!! I'm a part of Link and since he went insane I . . . . . I . . . .

Ganondorf: I, I, I what?

DarkLink: I CAN'T GROSS NATIONAL PRODUCT STAND IT ANYMORE!!!

Ganondorf: Gasp!!! O_O

DarkLink: Now you know it. Soon I will be as deranged as he is. And then I will say strange gross national product words all the time!! ACK!!! See???

Ganondorf: Have you ever thought about a therapy?

DarkLink: A therapy in Room 6???

Weird: I am weird!

Silly: And I am silly!!

Weird+Silly: And we are pinsane sychiatrists!

Ganondorf: Oh. Right.

DarkLink: *sigh*

Ganondorf: Well, I think I know how to get your sanity back . . . . .

~*~*~*~*~*~*~ END FLASHBACK ~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Ravi: Now he is in the Sacred Waiting Room too?

Ganondorf: Yep.

Ravi: But he said that he went insane because Link did. Doesn't that mean that it'd be enough if only the normal Link would visit the group therapy?

Ganondorf: Uh, sure. But I . . . . . erm . . . . . forgot to tell him. ^_^

Ravi: -_-*

Link: Dark coffin Link is scary!!

Ganondorf: I can't wait to get rid of his insanity. Then we'll finally be enemies again. Fighting mercilessly against each other over this beautiful land called Hyrule . . . . .

Ravi: *yawn*

Link: What a coffin beautiful ceiling this room has!

All: -___-*****

Ganondorf: Okay noodle, where to go next?

Queenie: [appears] GALABAZOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Ganondorf: Not you again!!

Queenie: I'm glad that you're glad to see me!

Ganondorf: Sometimes I think that she doesn't even notice what I'm saying.

Queenie: Did you say anything?

Ganondorf: The great Ganondorf has been right once again . . . .

Queenie: Anyway, you'll be happy to hear that there's only one Sage left.

Ganondorf: Thanks, but I could've figured out without you.

Queenie: But there are more things I should tell you. Like-

Ganondorf: I'm perfectly sure that I don't need your help. I know what to do and I know how to do it . . . . alone!!

Ravi: YAY! Bye!

Ganondorf: Not THAT alone.

Ravi: Dang.

Queenie: Oooooooooooookay! I'm leaving. If you need me - and I'm sure you will - then you know which song to play! GALABAZOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [disappears]

Ganondorf: Whew. Now we can finally . . . .

[door flies open]

Ingo: BASTARDS!! BLOODY BASTARDS!!! WHERE'S MY MONEY??? YOU STILL HAVEN'T PAYED FOR YOUR ROOM!!!

Ravi: I'll see you outside! [flies through the window]

Link: Gottagosorryagaincoffinbye! [jumps after her]

Ingo: DON'T YOU DARE TO LEAVE TOO!!!!

Ganondorf: eep o_o

Ingo: Excellent. Now where's the cash?

Ganondorf: Erm . . . . . it's . . . . in my other pants?

Ingo: HA! Yeah, right. And I'm Santa Clause.

Queenie: DADDY!!!! [hugs Ingo]

All: O_O****

Queenie: Whoops . . . . sorry! [disappears]

Ingo: Uh, anyway. So are you going to pay or WILL YOU CHOOSE TO SUFFER ENDLESS TORTURE AND PAIN????

Ganondorf: May I use one of my lifelines?

Ingo: GRRRRRRR!!! [magically pulls a pitchfork out of his pocket]

Ganondorf: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Talon: SHAZAAAAAM!!! [appears and knocks Ingo out with a frying pan]

Ganondorf: O_o

Talon: Bloody aliens! They will never get my beloved pitchfork! [picks up the pitchfork and kisses it] It's alright, darling. Daddy took care of the alien.

Ganondorf: O.o

Talon: AND WHO ARE YOU???

Ganondorf: I . . . . I . . . . I am the brother of your pitchfork.

Talon: What? Really? She never told me about you. You didn't tell daddy, did you honey?

Pitchfork: . . . . . . .

Ganondorf: Uh, thanks for saving . . . . *us*. But . . . . I gotta go now.

Talon: No! Please! Let us come with you! The aliens will get us sooner or later if we stay here!!!

Ganondorf: Erm . . . . .

Talon: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease! Pretty please!

Pitchfork: . . . . . . . .

Ganondorf: I . . . . . guess I should help my . . . . . . sister and her friend. So, okay.

Talon: YAY!! YAHOOO!! WHEEEEE!!!

Ganondorf: Ssssssh! You'll wake him up!!

Talon: Oh. Right. (whispers) Sorry!

Ganondorf: Okay, uh, let's go then!

Talon: UP UP AND AWAY! [jumps outta the window]

Ganondorf: -_-* Why doesn't anyone use the staircase like a normal Hylian being should????

Ingo: [wakes up] Ugh . . . . . what the hell?

Ganondorf: YIKES!! [jumps out of the window]

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[Hyrule Field]

Ravi: What's the cause of this striking smile in the face of yours?

Ganondorf: I'm just . . . . . glad to return after . . . . . . more than seven years.

Talon: Return to coffin where?

Link: THAT WAS MY COFFIN LINE!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! [runs away]

Ravi: -__-****

Pitchfork: . . . . . .

Ganondorf: Return to Gerudo Valley. Back to my beautiful castle filled with the spirit of true evil!

Talon: You life in the Castle of MY???

Ganondorf: Er, actually I was talking about another castle filled with the spirit of true evil.

Talon: Oh.

Ganondorf: Dearest desert!! Beloved place of my birth! How was I longing to see you again!!

Ravi: Jeez, cut it! You're sounding like your better half already!

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[a little bit later, in front of Gerudo Valley, two guards are standing in front of the entrance]

Ganondorf: HOME! HOME! PRECIOUS HOME!

Gerudo1+2: Halt!!

Ganondorf: I'm sorry, I forgot to say hello. So . . . . hello! Can I pass now?

Gerudo1: I command you to leave immediately!

Gerudo2: Only females are allowed in this place!

Ganondorf: What the . . . .

Gerudo2: And our great and almighty leader Ganondorf of course, but he disappeared long time ago.

Ganondorf: Erm, HELLO AGAIN!!!?? Are you blind???

Evoice: Indeed my friend they are!!

Ravi: You! Again!!

Evoice: Indeed again, noodle.

Ravi: -_-*

Ganondorf: What did you do to my people???

Evoice: I wanted to protect their eyes from the cruel rays of sun! But look at them! They're simply too many! How was I supposed to afford sunglasses for all of them?? So I just decided . . . to blind them.

Ganondorf: You . . . . . you . . . .

Evoice: Don't worry. That was 5 years ago. They've learned to live with it. And now excuse me. I must take a LOOK at some other evil business of mine. MWEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!! [disappears]

Ganondorf: OH MY BELOVED PEOPLE!!! HOW CRUEL THIS WORLD CAN BE!!!

Gerudo1: No matter who you are and no matter how much you pretend to pity us, as long as I can't feel two bumps on your chest you're not welcome here!!

Ravi: Well, we could arrange that . . . .

Ganondorf: RAVI!!!

Ravi: ^_^

Ganondorf: Don't you remember me? My voice? Anything? I'm your king, I'm Ganondorf!!

Gerudo2: I must admit that your voice sounds familiar to me but there'd be only one possibility to find out if you really are Ganondorf.

Gerudo1: What a waste of time!! And besides that you can't just touch his-

Gerudo2: Yes!! Come closer, lad. I wish to touch your-

Ravi: JESUS CHRIST THAT'S GROSS!!!

Ganondorf: Don't freak out, Ravi. There's nothing wrong about the idea of letting two of my people touch my-

Queenie: [appears] STOP RIGHT THERE!! I don't want anybody to touch Ganondorf's-

Ganondorf: But if I don't let them then I'll never complete my quest! They just have to touch my-

Queenie: It's unfair!! You never allowed me to touch your-

Ganondorf: Because you never asked for it!!

Queenie: Well . . . . can I touch it?

Ganondorf: Of course! Go ahead, the three of you!

Ravi: [lies on the ground twitching]

Ganondorf: Wow. I never thought that one day three women would touch my-

Gerudo1: OH MY GOD!! IT'S HIM!! [kneels down] I'm so sorry master!

Gerudo2: Yes!! Truly!! Only our great and mighty Ganondorf has such a long and gigantic-

Guy: NEWSPAPER!! WHO WANTS TO BUY A NEWSPAPER???

All: O_O

Guy: Well sorry, I had to interrupt the sentence because nobody's allowed to know that they're all touching Ganondorf's-

Gerudo1+2: AAAAARGS!!! MY EYES!!!!

Ganondorf: What??? What's wrong??

Evoice: GANONDORF!!!

Ganondorf: Uh oh.

Evoice: YOU LUCKY BASTARD!! You did it again!! You broke my curse! My awesome curse!! The Gerudos can see again!! How could this happen?? How did you know that they just had to touch your-

Talon: Because the brother of my beloved pitchfork is an intelligent man!!

Pitchfork: . . . . . .

Evoice: I'LL GET YOU!!! TRUST ME!!! SOONER OR LATER I'LL GET YOU!!!

[disappears]

Gerudo1: The light . . . . . I can see the light again.

Gerudo2: All the colors and shapes! And . . . . gee, you've gained weight!

Gerudo1: Comes from a girl who wears her hair like she wants to keep a bird in it!!

Gerudo2: Why you little-

[they start to fight, Ganondorf enters Gerudo Valley]

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[in the meantime at Nabooru's party, Desert Colossus]

Epona: (Jack, of course) Your place or my place?

Gerudo: AAAAAAAARGS!!!! MY EYES!!!!

Epona: Oh my God!! What's wrong with you??

Gerudo: I . . . I . . . . can see again!!

Epona: Hey baby, that's awesome!

Gerudo: But . . . . YOU'RE A HORSE!!

Epona: Sure honey, what's wrong with that?

Gerudo: EEEEWWWW!!! [leaves]

Epona: Hey! Honey! Sweetheart! Darling! Come back!!

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Nabooru: Ouch . . . . I . . . I'm not blind anymore!!! Hold on! This must mean Ganondorf is back and somebody has touched his-

END CHAPTER!!

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Chapter 29 of The Troublesome Quest For Sanity was brought to you by

Ganondorf's gigantic, really long-

Queenie: AND QUEENIE!!!