Fan Fiction ❯ The Way Love Grows ❯ He Loves Me...He Loves Me Not ( Chapter 2 )

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

I had so much catching up to do in my studies that the week passed very quickly. Takamiya had stayed busy too and was apparently very close to finishing translating the novel he was working on. He had been working conscientiously, I know, but he didn't have to do double duty like I did to make up for lost time. I knew I would have to study down to the wire to succeed on my finals. What I hadn't counted on was that after a week spent cooped up, Takamiya was restless.

"Do you think you could go out with me tonight, Izumi?" he asked me. I get out everyday, even if it is just to college, but Takamiya works from home, so he needs his breaks.

"Sorry, not a chance," I replied and turned my head back to my book.

When he didn't respond with anything, I looked up.

He was standing at the window looking out. From the slump of his shoulders and the exhale of a nearly inaudible sigh, it didn't take a rocket scientist to see he was disappointed and I began to regret the flippant brush-off I'd given him.

I was just about to apologize when the phone rang.

Takamiya picked up.

"Oh, hello, Reiji," he said, his face brightening.

It was his friend, Aoe.

The conversation on the phone was short and nearly one-sided with Takamiya mostly saying yes and okay until he hung up, looked at me with an air of apology and said, "Aoe was in the neighborhood so he's dropping by."

Aoe's not my favorite person, to say the least, so my initial reaction was to pick up my books and papers and leave the room before he showed up. I planned to plead studying as an excuse to stay out of his company.

"I'll just study in the bedroom," I said.

Some five minutes later, I heard the knock on the door. It had to be Aoe. God, I would have liked to blow him off, but Takamiya is gracious, and I knew it would disappoint him if I didn't greet his friend, so even though I didn't get along well with Aoe, to be polite I put in an appearance hoping to escape his company before he said something to piss me off.

I popped right out with, "Welcome, Aoe-san." I hoped I sounded sincere for Takamiya's sake . God only knows why he likes the jerk.

"You've got a long face, brat," he replied. "Did you flunk your finals?"

"I'm not going to flunk!" I declared. "I'm studying very hard."

"Really?" said Aoe. "You don't really strike me as the type that makes high grades."

While I damped down my temper as best I could, Takamiya eased in smoothly, "As a matter of fact, he has three finals next week. If you don't mind, Reiji, he's going to the bedroom to study now."

I barely closed the door behind me, when I heard Aoe say,"Yeah, he probably needs lessons in the bedroom…"

That asshole!

"Be nice, Reiji!" groaned Takamiya.

"I'm always nice," said Aoe in a humorous tone and Takamiya laughed. Jeez.

"It's good to hear you laugh, Katsura." Aoe said. " I've missed that smile of yours. When I didn't see you out anywhere all week, I started to worry about you. Thought you might be sick, or something."

Thank God they'd stopped talking about me. I probably shouldn't having been listening into their conversation, but if that Aoe was going to trash my character with Takamiya, I wanted to be able to defend myself.

"No, I've just been working hard. I finished the novel I was translating today, "Takamiya responded to Aoe.

My own lover and he hadn't seen fit to tell me he'd finished it?

"So why aren't you out celebrating?" said Aoe. "Come on, I'll take you out for a drink? How about it?"

"No, I shouldn't.."

"Why not? Some problem with the brat?"

"I've told you not to call him that."

"I call them as I see them, Katsura, as you well know. So, why can't you go out? Just because the kid has exams?"

"I was going to stay and lend Izumi my moral support."

Aoe laughed. "Are you familiar with the term 'pussy-whipped', Katsura. I can't believe what I'm hearing. Is this the same guy who had a new lover in his bed every night when I first met him?"

"That was quite a while ago, Reiji. Not so loud, you'll disturb him," Takamiya said.

Disturb was hardly the word. I'd never really considered what Takamiya's sex life must have been before me. A new lover every night? I felt queasy, uncertain, and jealous. I grabbed onto what I knew for security. "Takamiya loves me," I thought to myself. Maybe he changed because of me.

I missed what Aoe mumbled next, but I heard Takamiya clearly when he said,

"Can you have forgotten so soon what it means to love, Reiji?"

He sounded so serious when he said it, and I wondered what he meant. I couldn't imagine Aoe Reiji in love with anyone but himself.

A silence followed. I was surprised that Aoe shut up so suddenly, but after a long pause, he spoke again in a voice much less brash than his usual.

"I'm sorry, Katsura. Come out with me tonight. It just doesn't seem right that you should be cooped up on the weekend. You must have bad case of cabin fever. We'll drink to Shiki."

Who was Shiki, I wondered.

"I did want to go out tonight.," Takamiya said thoughtfully.

"So come with me," Aoe said. "In my experience, it's easier to study when no one is hanging over you. You'll be doing the kid a favor."

"You're probably right. I'll get my coat and tell Izumi I'm going."

Takamiya knocked before he came into the bedroom.

I looked up from my book, hoping it seemed like I had been studying.

"I'm going out with Aoe for a few drinks," said Takamiya with a slightly apologetic air.

"Have a good time. You deserve a night out. Sorry I can't go with you," I said and I meant every word of it.

He took a grey tweed coat out of the closet and pulled it on. He looked like he wanted to say something or do something, but Aoe called out, "Come on, let's go."

Takamiya said, "Good-bye," and left the room.

A few moments later, I heard the door close and I was alone.

In the first half-hour after they left, I didn't get any studying done at all. I must have known on some level that Takamiya had a sexual past, but I'd really never given it much thought.

A different lover in his bed every night? I could count the number of sexual partners I'd had on two fingers. Suppose he'd had a hundred lovers or more. What are the odds...?

Now I found myself wondering if he'd picked up a social disease, like herpes, the clap, syphilis, or, God forbid, AIDs.

One hundred sexual partners?? What about two hundred?

My imagination was working overtime. If…If…If…so many ifs went through my mind. I found myself angry at him one minute and fearful of losing him the next. He was important to me! I loved him! But if he had infected me, he couldn't love me. No way! But I wasn't infected… was I?

Was he just using me?

Whoa! Slow down. I was going to drive myself crazy thinking this way.

"I need to study!" I told myself severely, but couldn't. My mind searched for a solution.

"Okay, here it is. I've been with Takamiya for months now. Neither of us has shown the slightest sign of illness, except for a cold. He's never given the slightest reason for jealousy, except for that one time, when I saw him kissing that Izumi from the Blue Boy date club, and he might have been giving him medicine like he said. That guy had heart trouble, and even had an operation. They don't do valve replacements with AIDS…

That kiss was seared into my memory though. I'd probably remember it all my life. It made me feel so bad to see Takamiya kissing someone else. I couldn't bear to see anything like that again.

There went my emotions again, rocketing out of control. I had to nip this in the bud. I would reason my way out of this.

" I have to concentrate. I have to study.," I told myself. "How am I going to focus with all these worries distracting me. I've got to stop this way of thinking. That's what I have to do. I have to clear my mind and think. What do I know for sure.? I asked myself.

What Takamiya did in the past is past. It's what's happening now that's important, I told myself.

Takamiya tells me he loves me. He acts like he loves me He shows me he loves me. He's not all talk. He's part of the reason that I am studying so hard. I want him to be proud of me because I love him. I want to make him proud of me because I love him!

The truth was I loved Takamiya. I couldn't bear the thought that he didn't love me.

"Takamiya loves me!"

I said it out loud in the empty room and willed myself to believe it. I would make him proud of me.

With my mind more at ease and with new resolve, I went back to my studies and worked for several hours with concentration. I stayed up later than I'd planned because I had hoped to talk to Takamiya when he came home, but I started to nod off and finally got so tired that I decided to call it a night.

I changed into my pajamas, turned off the light and went to bed.

I woke to the sound of Aoe's voice saying, ."Looks like the brat went to bed."

I glanced at the clock on my night table. It was a little after 2 AM

Why didn't that asshole just go home and let Takamiya come to bed? And why did Takamiya put up with him? The jerk kept on talking .

"Shiki told me to take care of you, Katsura. I thought I had picked the perfect lover for you. B and B's Izumi is more your type. Delicate, beautiful, refined--an intellectual. You would have been happy with him, I'm sure of it.

Listening in to this outrageous statement in the bedroom, I was thinking to myself,
"Come on, Takamiya, set this moron straight. Tell him you love me!"

But Takamiya said, "I was charmed by what little I saw of him, of course,"

Jeez. I thought. That wasn't what I expected to hear. And why of course?

"… but my Izumi--" Takamiya continued…

Yeah, that's right, Takamiya, tell him, you tell him you love me I thought, but that rude jerk Aoe interrupted him again!

"…yes, yes, your Izumi calls the shots in your relationship. I think we established that tonight, but I still can't believe you let him cut you off sexually. I'd never put up with that from a lover."

Gah, I was so embarrassed! Takamiya told Aoe that I refused him sex? Oh, shit! Oh, I guess I should have known. Takamiya was pretty upfront about his sex life with Aoe, but, oh man! I was so embarrassed, ashamed even.

Take my side, Takamiya, I was thinking as I strained my ears to hear what my lover would say in my defense.

" You've got a lot to say about my lover and what you would or wouldn't put up with, but I could tell you plenty about your own, including that last woman who," Takamiya paused and didn't finish the thought, but then continued a moment later, "You pick a slut like that and have the nerve to give me advice?"

A long, tense silence ensued. What the hell was happening? Would they end up punching each other out? I longed to crack the door to see what was going on. Just as I was wondering if I should go out, the silence ended.

Aoe laughed, "By god, she was a slut, wasn't she?"

"…and completely unsuited for you, " Takamiya declared. "Whatever other flaws you might have, you're a man of honor, Reiji."

"With a tendency to be overbearing., at times, I freely admit it."

"Shiki called you on it and loved you in spite of it. You deserve a lover who can appreciate you for that brutal honesty."

"Are you insulting me or flirting, Katsura?"

"Neither. You're a good man, Reiji. You should find someone to love, someone to live for. I'd like to see you happy again."

"I'm happy."

"If you say so, Reiji."

Aoe was quiet for a while.

"Let's not fight, Katsura.. Shiki woudn't like it."

"We're not fighting. You're my closest friend, and that won't change."

"Even if I remind you that my offer is still open?" Aoe said. "If the brat refuses to pony up and your balls turn blue, just call Blue Boy for a reservation and I will make sure that Blue Boy's Izumi is reserved for you. Discretion guaranteed," he said with a chuckle.

Takamiya laughed along with him, but said, "Go home, Reiji. You're impossible. But thanks for taking me out. I needed it."

Aoe left a few minutes later.

Takamiya came into the bedroom. I pretended to be asleep. He used the hall light to find his pajamas in the dresser. Through slit eyes, I watched him changing clothes. He was so natural in his nudity with none of the self-conscious shame that plagued me. His body was beautiful, his features handsome. He was intelligent, patient, kind. It probably was true that he was more suited by temperament to that other Izumi, but he was mine. Wasn't he? Why did I feel the need to push him away sometimes? It was troubling.

Takamiya slipped into the bed under the covers.

I was thinking to myself, "Hold me, Takamiya. Please, hold me."

But still I pretended I was sleeping. I could feel his soft breath on my forehead. Was he looking down at me? Was he going to kiss me? Please kiss, me, Takamiya," I thought.

But he didn't.

He just sighed softly, turned over to face the other way. Of course he didn't kiss me. I'd told him kissing was off limits. I was an idiot, as much of a brat as Aoe had said. With my mind full of worry and shame, I finally fell asleep thinking I had only one week left until finals were over. I could hardly wait.