Fan Fiction ❯ There's No Such Thing As Luck ❯ NINJA EVIL TOUCH! ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: I don't own Xenosaga or anything but the story. I also don't own the Ninja Evil Touch, which was inspired by my very good friend Charlezcookie3. There's No Such Thing As Luck Chapter 1    

"Will you go out with me?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"But w—"

"No."

Suddenly, Allen began to cry. "But WHY not!?"

Hammer blinked. "Surely, Allen, I hope you're not really crying because I won't go out with you. This is supposed to be for pretend, remember?"

Allen abruptly ceased crying. "Oh, of COURSE it's practice! You really don't think that I'M that way, do you?"

Hammer looked skeptical.

"HEY!" Allen raged as he held his fist up threateningly.

"Allen, no girl would bother going out with a guy like you if you don't take this seriously. Now you have to act like you MEAN it. Now ask me out again."

Allen sighed. "Chief, would you PLEASE go out with me?"

"No."

"YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT! YOU JUST WANT THE CHIEF ALL TO YOURSELF!"

Hammer shifted, nervously. "Um…no…"

"WELL I'LL SHOW YOU! THE CHIEF WILL GO OUT WITH ME! I WILL USE MY MANLY CHARMS AND GOOD LOOKS TO SEDUCE HER!"

"Sure, Allen, just keep telling yourself that."

"Just WATCH!" Allen stomped out of the room.

Meanwhile, elsewhere on the Durandel…

Jr. was walking down the halls of the Residential Area, his destination: the Gambling Room.

Coincidentally, Jr. bumped into KOS-MOS, who was also wandering the halls in search of something.

"KOS-MOS!" Jr. waved her over. "Hey you look bored. Why not come to the Gambling Room with me?"

"Gambling is highly irrelevant to my mission and is extremely inappropriate for an android such as myself. Also, the games are rigged and would be a waste of my time and money."

"Oh pooh," Jr. waved his hand. "This is MY ship and my games are CERTAINLY not rigged. At least come and watch me win my victories."

"I was currently in the middle of accomplishing Shion's orders."

"Screw Shion. She's just 'all work and no play'. That's why you're so hard-cored. She never lets you have any fun."

"Jr. I am also telling you this for your own good. According to my calculations, the probability of you winning a single card game is a 00.002% chance."

"…KOS-MOS I think you're malfunctioning. I'm the COOLEST person on the Durandel. I CAN'T lose."

"But Jr.—"

"Now COME ON! We've already wasted five minutes of gambling time!"

"…"

Meanwhile, Ziggy and MOMO were running errands for the Professor upon the Kukai Foundation. Unfortunately, they had come at a bad time.

"Professor…" Ziggy and MOMO walked down to the laboratory. "We've acquired that part that you needed…" Ziggy looked up and stopped in his tracks.

"ASSISTANT SCOTT! This is completely RIDICULOUS! What do you mean that you're going to take a month off for your wedding!?" The Professor was fuming. Ziggy cringed.

"I already TOLD you this, Professor. Oh wait, I forgot. YOU WERE DRUNK!" Assistant Scott and the Professor were CLEARLY in the middle of a fight.

"WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!?"

"Professor, whether you like it or not, Gloria and I are to be wed."

"I don't BELIEVE you! You should only be married to your work! HOW DARE YOU DISCRACE ME LIKE THIS!"

"Well I'm SORRY that YOU never got married!"

"It was CLOSE! It was a ONE NIGHT STAND!"

Ziggy quickly covered MOMO's ears.

"It's for your own protection," Ziggy told her.

"It was very nice too!" The Professor went on. "We were lying in bed and I was stroking her…"

"PROFESSOR!" Ziggy shouted.

"HOLD ON!" The Professor waved him away. "I'm not finished!"

"Yes you are!" Assistant Scott shouted. "If you don't give Gloria and I your blessings then I'll…I'll…"

"You'll WHAT?" The Professor lurched forward.

Assistant Scott paused and then held up his index finger in a dictating manner. "I'm LEAVING you."

"FINE! I DON'T NEED YOU ANYWAY!"

"Oh no," Ziggy rolled his eyes. "Not AGAIN."

"I HATE YOU!" Assistant Scott roared.

"FINE BY ME!" The Professor retorted.

"I'LL JUST GO AND GET MARRIED WITHOUT YOU!" Assistant Scott raged as he stomped up the stairs.

"GOOD! I HOPE IT ENDS IN DIVORCE AND MISERY AND PERHAPS MURDER!"

Ziggy looked after Assistant Scott as he still stood covering MOMO's ears.

"Is it over?" MOMO asked.

"Yes," Ziggy replied, standing up straight.

"Who does that MONSTER think he is?" The Professor chucked a piece of scrap iron at his monitoring screen and it cracked, sizzled, and exploded. "I HOPE HE DIES!"

"Um, that's nice," Ziggy said, stepping forward. "Do I dare ask what the argument was about this time?"

"That overly-fat swine wants to get married! Just THINK! What kind of stupid request is that!? Surely the answer must be no! Besides, 99.9% of all weddings end in divorce! He's setting himself up for a fall!"

"Why do you say that?" MOMO inquired.

"BECAUSE!" The Professor roared. "HE'S INCAPABLE OF MARRIAGE! HE'S A LOSER AND I NEVER WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN!"

"Well, that's saying a lot." Ziggy said and then handed the part he was to retrieve to the Professor. "Here. This IS what you asked for, right?"

The Professor snatched it out of Ziggy's hands and chucked it at the remains of his monitoring screen. It broke into two and half of the laboratory exploded.

"Guess not." Ziggy said.

Allen stood outside Shion's quarters, prepping himself for what he was going to say to her.

"Come on, Allen. You're a cool guy. You can do this!" Allen banged on Shion's door.

"Who is it?" He heard Shion call from inside.

"It's Allen." Allen responded.

He heard Shion sigh. "Hold on."

"Hmm…" Allen said to himself. "I have a feeling that she doesn't want to see me."

"What?" Shion hissed as she opened the door.

Suddenly, Allen felt like a coward.

"Um…Chief? I was um…I…er…was wondering…"

"SPIT IT OUT!" Shion roared.

"Will you go out with me?"

Silence.

"Now why would I do a STUPID thing like that?"

Allen felt his bottom lip tremble as tears welded in his eyes.

"FINE!" He cried as tears streamed down his cheeks. "I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE! IN FACT, I DON'T EVEN WANT TO BE YOUR SUBORDINATE ANYMORE EITHER!" Allen stomped down the hall back to his own room.

Shion stood in the doorway, blinking.

"Oh my," She said. "I shouldn't have taken out my anger of Ron dumping Christina from Chick Flick Soap Operas on Allen."

Meanwhile…

"OUTRAGEOUS! WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT I CAN'T GAMBLE HERE!?" Jr. yelled at the Card Dealer.

"Well, Little Master, it's not the fact that you CAN'T gamble here, it's the fact that you aren't old enough to."

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!? THIS IS MY SHIP AND I'M TWENTY-SIX YEARS OLD, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!" KOS-MOS stood about twenty feet behind Jr. watching as he made a spectacle of himself.

"Little Master you obviously don't LOOK twenty-six. And even if you were, do you have an ID present?"

"Huh?" Jr. stared. "Well…um…no…"

"I rest my case."

"INSIGNIFICANCE!" Jr. leaned over the table and pointed at the Card Dealer. "SAYS WHO THAT I CAN'T GAMBLE HERE!?"

"It's the law, Little Master."

Jr. huffed. "Well then, I'll just have to report this to the Administration Committee, now won't I?"

"Be my guest."

Jr. blinked, then squinted harder.

"Hey, didn't I see your name on the Mary and Shelly Fan Club list?"

"Why, yes," Replied the Card Dealer. "I admire Mary and Shelly ever so much…"

"Good…" Jr. grinned evilly. "CAUSE NOW YOU'RE OFF OF IT!"

"W-What?" The Card Dealer sobbed.

"That's right," Jr. said smugly. "I hereby declare you ANNIHILATED from the list."

"Jr., if I may step in," KOS-MOS spoke. "But this man is only obeying his orders. You, on the other hand, are clearly attempting to deny the rights of his enjoyments. Surely…"

"Shut up you stupid android!" Jr. screamed back at KOS-MOS. "Just what would you know about gambling and laws and order and marketing!?"

"Well, due to the absence of two of those ideals, I—"

"STUFF IT!" Jr. interrupted and growled at the sobbing Card Dealer. "You will pay for this. Dearly."

Meanwhile…back on the Elsa…

"So," Hammer asked. "How did it go?"

Allen, in fit and rage, pushed Hammer down the stairs next to the cabins.

"Shut up," Allen said sourly. "I don't want to TALK about it right now."

Tony and Captain Matthews rushed out at the sound of breaking bones and crunching stairs and watched as Allen stomped inside of his cabin. Their view then lowered to the crippled Hammer, who was twitching involuntarily.

"Dude…what happened to you?" Tony asked.

"A…Amb…"

"A car? A burglar?" Tony snapped his fingers. "A toaster!"

"Toaster?" Captain Matthews turned to look at him oddly.

"He's obviously playing Charades, Captain."

"Ambul…a…" Hammer fell unconscious.

"Shoot, I was so close too." Tony sighed. "Oh well. What's for dinner Captain?"

"Say, why don't we head to the Iron Man in the Kukai Foundation?"

"Great idea Captain! I'm starved." Captain Matthews and Tony exited the ship.

Meanwhile…

"Professor, don't you think that you're over-reacting just a little too much?" Ziggy asked as he followed the unresponsive Professor around the laboratory. "After all, it's just a wedding."

"Just a wedding?" The Professor stopped his pacing. "JUST A WEDDING!? I ASSURE YOU, SIR, THIS IS NOT JUST A WEDDING! IT'S A SCANDAL!"

Ziggy shrugged. "Whatever you say, Professor."

MOMO was busy playing around with Assistant Scott's former plasma screen and control panel until she accidentally hit a button that caused multifarious explosions throughout the lab.

"Oops…" She carefully sidestepped away from the fire.

"They want a blessing?" The Professor screeched. "I'LL give them a blessing. I CURSE THEM! I HOPE THEY DIE!"

"Well, that's not very nice…" Ziggy started.

"I WANT HIM TO DIE BY THE HANDS OF PINS AND NEEDLES AND SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION AND…"

Ahem, meanwhile…

"Beautiful birdies…" chaos grinned as he stroked the feathers of one of the pigeons in the Durandel's Park. "And now…NINJA EVIL TOUCH!" Suddenly, the bird became plagued with horrible diseases and then died, crippling up like a spider.

"AHAHA!" chaos laughed maniacally. "I strike again! No one will EVER know my secret of EVIL!" chaos began to dance around happily, waving his arms in the air. "I must touch something else!" chaos dashed over to a firebug and grabbed it. The bug shriveled up and died as chaos' Ninja Evil Touch took its toll on the insect.

"Hmmm…I'm not having fun anymore. So…I shall go after BIGGER creatures!"

chaos went to the City Sectors 26 & 27 and came across a cat. A VERY familiar cat.

"Aha!" chaos knelt down and caressed the cat with love and care. "Good kitty, nice kitty." Suddenly… "NINJA EVIL TOUCH!"

The cat began to gag and choke and shed its skin until it lay there in a bloody pile on the street. chaos stepped away from the cat with a BIG smirk on his face.

From behind him, a voice rang out. "Francois! Francois darling…" The King stepped out from within his East6 Hideout and looked down into the street.

Simultaneously, a speeding car came down the street and ran over Francois, taking the remains of the body onto its tires.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" The King held his hands to his head. "NNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" The King ran down the stairs and after the speeding car. "WAAAAAAAAIT!"

Nearby…

Great Joe stepped out from behind the shadows, observing City Sectors 26 & 27. He took in a deep breath and grinned.

"All right! Another place for me to set up my super duper muchacho self. C'mere ladies!"

At the same time, chaos was walking by and Great Joe had spotted a group of babes. He began to wave with a cheesy grin on his face. Unfortunately for him, the babes had spotted chaos first.

"OMG isn't that guy just so FINE!" One broad marveled.

"Like, TOTALLY! He is so mine!" Said another.

"NO! MINE! You had the last guy!" Said a third.

Great Joe stopped waving and anger filled him. He stomped over, grabbed chaos by the shoulder, turned him around, and began to scream at him.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT YOU'RE DOING!? YOU JUST TOTALLY CRAMPED MY STYLE!"

chaos wiped bits of food and spit from his face. "Excuse me, Sir, is there a problem?"

"PROBLEM!?" Joe bellowed. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"Wait," chaos put a hand on Joe's shoulder. "Can't we just be friends?" A green spurt of smoke came from underneath chaos' arm as the skin from Joe's body began to melt at an exceedingly high rate.

"AAHHHHHH!!!!" Joe screamed at the NINJA EVIL TOUCH. He melted away until the whites of his bones protruded from his skin (or lack of therefore) and blood seeped from his pores and onto the ground.

Then, Joe finally just crumpled to the ground and died. chaos skipped away merrily.

Meanwhile…

Allen lay on the couch, flipping through the channels on the TV. Sulking in great misery, Allen finally stopped on a Rap Channel.

A man was onstage wearing Rapper's Clothes and singing Rap Songs about chickens and cookies. The song abruptly was broken away for a commercial.

"Are you a loser?" The Narrator asked.

"Yes," Allen leaned closer.

"Are you TIRED of being a loser?"

"Yes!" Allen said with interest.

"Well you'll probably always BE a loser…"

"HEY!" Allen shouted.

"…But here, I'm about to show you how you WON'T be so MUCH of a loser with this five-minute commercial."

"Go on," Allen said, pressing his face against the TV screen.

"Enter now in our World's Greatest Rapping Contest. Even losers like you…"

"HEY!" Allen shouted again.

"…can become SOMEBODY in this world. So join now! Write your own Rap Song, get your own Rap Clothes AND!"

"Yes?" Allen asked.

"Get your own Rapping Name! Yay! Doesn't that sound like fun!?"

Suddenly, the scene changed to a successful Rapper counting money, hanging all over voluptuous women (and you know what I mean when I say 'voluptuous'), and singing.

"Meet Tomato Juice," The Narrator introduced. "who was once a loser like all of you. Tomato Juice is now a big time Rapper with money to spare, girls to call, and songs to sing."

"I Tomato Juice." Tomato Juice spoke with horrible grammar. "I good Rapper." And very conceited.

"So come now and sign up! Don't be sorry. Be HAPPY!"

"YEAH!" Allen jumped up. "I'm gonna be COOL!"

Allen raced over to some random person's closet and began to pick out a variety of clothing.

"This is good…Oh yeah! This too! Oh! And the suspenders and…"

Twenty minutes later, Allen was wearing a pink French beret, glittery star-shaped glasses, orange shirt and green vest with polka-dotted yellow suspenders, numerous gold chains around his neck (Ones that were so thick that they dragged him to the floor) EXTREMELY baggy pants, and purple clown shoes with red shoelaces. Oh, and let's not forget the smiley boxer shorts.

"I'm cool now!" Allen said. He took a step forward and tripped over his pants (Told you they were baggy).

"Excuse me, sir…" Came the robot from the other side of the room. "But commercials like that are usually bogus and phony. Are you sure that you should be listening to something so unreliable such as that?"

"You shut up! I will not allow you to crush my dreams of becoming rich and famous and getting married to Shion!" Allen shouted as he reached for a baseball bat and proceeded to beat the living daylights out of the robot.

Allen grinned as he looked at the remains of his victim and threw the baseball bat over his shoulder, only succeeding in having it pummel the TV screen. The TV sizzled and exploded.

"Now, to make my dramatic appearance!" Allen laughed as he stepped outside the door, picking up the legs of his baggy pants with both hands.

Well? What do you guys think? Let me know please!

Kat