Fan Fiction ❯ There's No Such Thing As Luck ❯ Allen's Rap ( Chapter 2 )

Disclaimer: I don’t own Xenosaga, the Final Fantasy VIII Triple Triad Card Game, the works. Okay here we go.

  There's No Such Thing As Luck Chapter 2

"Well THIS is much more like it!" Jr. laughed as he set himself down at a card table. KOS-MOS followed behind, silently. "For my first game, I would like to play Xenocards."

"Right," Said the Card Dealer warily. He had just observed Jr.’s actions at the other table. "Do you have a pre-made deck?"

"As a matter of fact I do!" Jr. grinned as he withdrew a deck from inside of his coat. "It’s called ‘The Bestest Deck In The Entire World Because It Features Gaignun Jr. (That’s Me) In ALL Of The Cards".

The Card Dealer nearly facefaulted.

"Right…" The Card Dealer said as he withdrew his own deck. "In that case I will be playing with my Supreme Nemesis Deck."

"I’M NOT SCARED OF YOU!" Jr. laughed as he knocked all of his opponent’s cards off the table. The Card Dealer blinked and stooped low to pick them up.

"Jr., it seems to me that your cockiness will prove to be your adversary. Are you confirming your decision wisely?" KOS-MOS inquired.

"Aw, be quiet!" Jr. waved her off. "Just LOOK at MY deck!"

Jr. fanned his cards out for KOS-MOS to see. All of the cards had been modified to Jr.’s liking. Such as, all of the normal pictures (take Curry for example, which had a picture of Jr. standing over a flaming oven taped onto it) had another picture of Jr. taped over them.

"That deck shows your conceitedness." KOS-MOS pointed out.

"I am NOT conceited! I am a WINNER!" Jr. shouted. Now I WANT TO ENTER THE TOURNAMENT!"

"Y-Yes, Little Master…" The Card Dealer cowered behind the table.

"It's good to be King…" Jr. laughed.

Meanwhile…

chaos was busy ruining things.

He crept aboard the bridge of the Durandel and strode forward, whistling innocently. He stopped at Shelley's side and grinned evilly to himself. Leaning over Shelley's shoulder he whispered, "Hi Shelley."

She brushed him away.

"Leave me alone. I have to get this warning sent out to EVERYONE on EVERY ship or else they'll be attacked by the Gnosis."

"There's a wave of them about?" chaos asked.

"Yes," She replied. "It's VERY urgent that I get this message sent out."

"I see," chaos said as he straightened his back, faked a yawn, and then tilted his body over so that his hand was resting on Shelley's back. "Sorry about that, Shelley."

"Don't touch me, you fruit tart." She said harshly.

Displeased with her response, chaos released the…NINJA EVIL TOUCH!

Shelley's mouth began to melt away as EVERY disease known to man plagued her innocent body. Then her arms fell off as blood poured from her body, soaking her lap and chair. Then her eyes fell from her sockets and she keeled over, dead.

chaos pulled out a rag and began to scrub the seat thoroughly. When he had successfully cleaned the blood and guts off of the seat, he sat himself in the chair and observed the control panel.

"Hmmm," He said as he noted the screen. "EVERYONE'S e-mail in the entire galaxy is posted on this screen. Let's see…I know! I'm gonna have some fun!" chaos deleted the WARNING e-mail that was supposed to go out to everyone and made up a different e-mail. He typed in:

Evil Lord's Friendship Chain Letter!

THIS IS AN EXTREMELY UNLUCKY CHAIN LETTER! YOU MUST SEND THIS TO 100,000,000,000,000 OF YOUR FRIENDS OR FEEL THE WRATH OF AN ANCIENT INDIAN CURSE!!!!!!!!

Feeling somewhat PLEASED with himself, chaos hit the 'Send' button. Simultaneously everyone received the 'you got mail' signal and began to check their e-mail. A moment later, everyone was panicking and screaming as chaos arose from the chair, his arms outstretched, and his evil laughter echoed in the room.

Elsewhere…

Albedo was also checking his e-mail (Namely cause Albedo can't spell and neither can his Internet distributors.)

"Ah, I have my very first e-mail!" Albedo marveled as he opened the e-mail and began to read. "Chain letter…friends…" Silence. "ANCIENT INDIAN CURSE!?" Albedo toppled backwards in his chair. "Okay, Albedo, just stay calm. There's a cure, see? On the screen. It says that I just need to send it to 100,000,000,000,000of my friends and I won't get the curse."

Albedo looked back at the number on the screen.

"100,000,000,000,000!? I barely have three!" Albedo began to count on his fingers. "Me, myself, and I! There! That's three down…Now where am I going to get the other 99,999,999,999,997?" Albedo began to wail. "OMG I'M GOING TO DIE!"

Back on the Elsa…

Ziggy and MOMO stumbled back onto the Elsa, exhausted.

"Geez, what a day…" Ziggy mumbled as he glanced at the clock. "9:30. That late already? I didn't think we were at the Professor's THAT long…"

"I've never known a person who could use as many curse words in just one sentence." MOMO yawned.

"Try more than just one." Ziggy patted MOMO on the head. "Get to bed. I'm going to try to find everyone else."

MOMO nodded as she shuffled back to her own cabin. Ziggy sighed and looked up as another cabin door opened. He nearly facefaulted as he saw who had just stepped out of the doorway.

"…Allen, why do you look like an idiot who has no sense of fashion whatsoever?"

Allen pouted and lifted the star-shaped sunglasses from his head. "You're just jealous, cyborg!"

"Yes. I am immensely jealous (although I have been programmed not to have any kind of emotions at all) of a French pink beret, polka-dotted suspenders, glitter glasses, and overly baggy pants."

"Ha!" Allen laughed. "I knew you were."

Ziggy blinked.

"Do I dare ask why you have all of that garbage on?" Ziggy inquired.

"It's NOT garbage!" Allen yelled. "It's my Shion-ignition clothing."

"Don't you mean "initiator", Allen?"

"Whatever!" Allen snorted. "I saw a rap commercial on the TV and it said that I could be cool."

"You? Allen? Cool?"

"And just what is WRONG with that!?"

"Nothing," Ziggy said hastily. "Nothing at all."

"Good," Allen said with a big smirk on his face. "Well, I'm off to get my band."

"I didn't think you really meant to be a rapper, Allen."

"I just SAID that a rap commercial said I could be cool!" Allen shook his head. "You are so not cool, Ziggy. I'm going off to write my own lyrics now."

Ziggy blinked as Allen stomped out of the Elsa.

Meanwhile, Shion got bored and decided to take a walk out to City Sectors 26 & 27. She stopped dead in her tracks as she heard the most BLOODCURDLING EAR-SHATTERING HORRIBLE SINGING…in the entire world.

She looked inside and watched as a man inside the Iron Man was…singing…with horrendous clothes on…

"Yo mamma's so fat, when she sat on my hat she killed it like a pancake, and it never came back. But yo mamma has a nice rack.

She's adequately stacked, so I pitied her and didn't hit her with my baseball bat....um....um...." The man fought for the last words. "LUGZ™!"

Amazingly…everyone clapped. Shion shook her head. Why? Just why?

"Thank you, thank you," The man bowed low and his beret fell off. Shion recognized the man immediately.

"ALLEN!?" She shouted.

Allen looked up and waved as he put his beret back on. "Oh, hey Chief!"

Shion stomped over to Allen. "Just WHAT do you think that you're doing!?"

"Um…singing?"

"SINGING!? IS THAT WHAT IT'S CALLED!?"

Allen turned away, nonchalantly. "Look Chief, as you can see, I'm a popular rap singer now. I don't have time to deal with YOU. I mean, you HAD your chance with me and all, but now…I mean…you're just not cool anymore."

A crowd of girls began to flock to Allen.

"Oh Allen!" Cried one girl as she clung to his arm.

"You're so sexy!" Another said as she grasped his other arm.

"I know, I know," Allen said with a big smirk on his face. "And now girls, let us depart! The Dry Cleaners await us!" Allen and the girls walked out leaving Shion dumbfounded.

"This isn't happening," She told herself. "Allen? COOL? With…GIRLS?" Shion just couldn't understand it.

"Man that guy is just so cool!" Shion turned and spotted Tony and Captain Matthews.

"I agree Captain Matthews," Tony grinned. "Gee I wish I could rap like that."

"They actually LIKED that?" Shion asked.

Meanwhile…

Because chaos tampered with the warning e-mail, no warning was sent to anyone and so the Gnosis proceeded on…

Back to the Durandel…

"Ha! Another win!" Jr. laughed as another opponent sobbed miserably at their loss. "Next victim!" Jr. grinned.

"So, you're the Little Master who has won 34 games straight in a row?" A big burly man approached the table.

"Yeah," Jr. said coolly. "What's it to ya?"

"I'm here to challenge you." The burly man grinned.

"Bring it on fat boy." Jr. gave the 'come on' sign.

"You're going to regret those words, pansy."

"PANSY!?" Jr. sat up straight. "DID YOU JUST CALL ME PANSY!?"

"Yeah I did."

"Good," Jr. sat back down. "Just thought that I didn't hear you correctly."

On the other side of the room, KOS-MOS was trying her luck at slots.

"Hmmm…If I wait approximately 0.603 seconds, then my chances of winning 75 million gold will be pushed up to 99.999%." KOS-MOS pulled on the lever and watched as the wheels spun. Waiting only a few seconds longer, KOS-MOS pulled the lever and the matches came up.

"Congratulations!" The machine cheered. "You've just won 75 million gold!"

From around the room, everyone fought to get to KOS-MOS' machine.

"Interesting," KOS-MOS observed. "Apparently these life forms wish to do me harm. Therefore, I shall use the end results of…extermination."

KOS-MOS used her X-BUSTER and slaughtered almost everyone in the Gambling Room.

"Enemies, exterminated." KOS-MOS went back to playing.

Meanwhile, chaos had become bored of sending random e-mails to people and went off in search of fun. He landed in the Gear Hanger of the Durandel and observed the gears.

"Hmmm, interesting." chaos grinned as he walked up to Jr.'s gear and patted it gently. "Good gear…nice gear…"

Suddenly, the gear began to melt and toppled over onto another gear, setting that gear on fire. Soon, the entire Gear Hanger had been consumed into flames, with everyone panicking and screaming.

"Oops," chaos said. "I destroyed them all." Then he shrugged. "Oh well. I'm going to find something else to have fun with."

As chaos was exiting the train back to the Dock, a strange man holding a piece of paper walked up to chaos.

"Excuse me sir, do you know where the bakery is?"

"AH! YOU WISH TO DO ME HARM! NINJA EVIL TOUCH!" chaos kicked the man in the crouch and his manhood began to melt away and fell off. Screaming in agonized pain, the man began to mutate into a horrible blob of nothing. He finally collapsed to the ground and died.

chaos wiped his hands on his pants and began to walk away. "Geez, with all the weirdoes running around, the law enforcement should encourage the police officers to work double shift."

The man was still twitching involuntarily.

"You!" chaos turned at the sound of a voice. "You think that you are strong?" A half Gnosis/half Realian (Or human, I dunno) looking thing floated over to chaos.

"Who are you?" chaos asked.

"My name is Mintia and I am the strongest…"

"Wait you have something on your face…" chaos reached up to Mintia's face. "I'll get it."

"Wait, what are you doing!?" Mintia asked.

As chaos touched her face, smoke began to pour from the underside of chaos' hand and Mintia's face began to melt away. Horrible diseases plagued her and she shriveled away from the M.S. disease and died.

"Oh, you moved…" chaos sighed and walked back inside of the Elsa.

Meanwhile…

"I KNOW I have more than THREE friends!" Albedo cried. "Wait! I'll take an online survey!" Albedo went into a chat room and typed in:

EyeAmEnsane: All right, my fellow peers! I am taking a survey as to see who are my friends and who aren't my friends! SO! Whoever is my friend, SPEAK NOW SO THAT I MAY SEND YOU A CHAIN LETTER AND WON'T CONTAMINATE THE ANCIENT INDIAN CURSE!

Silence and then…

Grope4YourGuts has left the room.

WorldDomINator has left the room.

Cactus Huggers has left the room.

Captain Condom has left the room.

"This can't be!" Albedo's bottom lip began to tremble.

Kinky Bubbles has left the room.

Cloudathan has left the room.

Narcotic Stripper has left the room.

Panty Sniffer has left the room.

"WHY!?" Albedo began to cry into his hands. "It's not fair! Now I'm going to get the Ancient Indian Curse!"

All Members In This Chat Room Have Left. Goodbye.

Albedo was then booted off the net and then his computer contracted a DEADLY FATAL virus and then the computer exploded and no longer worked.

"OMG! THIS IS SO RACIST AGAINST PEOPLE WHOSE NAMES START WITH 'A' AND END WITH 'O'! NAMELY ME!"

While we leave Albedo to sulk in his perpetual misery…

"Can you BELIEVE it, Ziggy!? ALLEN! A RAPPER!" Shion pounded her fist against the table. "That is SO UNHEARD OF!"

"I'll bet." Ziggy said, not caring either way.

"And KOS-MOS never ran that errand for me because I can't seem to FIND her!" Shion growled.

"I'm sure she's fine." Ziggy said, staring off into space.

"And then chaos…"

"What about me?" chaos entered the Dining Room and sat at the booth Ziggy and Shion had occupied.

Shion turned towards chaos. "Have you heard about the multiple killings as of today?"

"No." chaos began to file his fingernails.

"Are you sure? They say that whenever a silver-haired male was around, disaster always followed."

"Oh, that's nice." chaos responded, not really interested.

Shion growled.

"FINE! YOU BOTH ARE IGNORING ME! I'M JUST GOING TO GO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO CARES!" Shion stormed off.

"Well, there's a vacant wall in the basement." chaos said.

In rage, Shion broke a nearby stool and exited the room. Simultaneously, Hammer (In the near-death state that he was in) entered. His arm was in a sling and his left leg was limping.

"Hello guys," Hammer greeted.

"What happened to you?" Ziggy asked.

"Allen pushed me down the stairs." Hammer said as he sat next to chaos.

"Don't worry buddy. We feel for you." chaos patted Hammer on the shoulder and Hammer screamed as his shoulder began to melt.

"AHHHHHHH!!!!!" Hammer grabbed Shion's water that had been on the table and threw it on his melting shoulder. He sighed happily as it began to steam and cool down.

Ziggy blinked.

Then he got up and moved over to the next table.

"I'm fine over here." He said as chaos gave him a puzzled look.

Meanwhile…

"I can't believe I'm losing!" Jr. screamed as he looked at his cards. I can't believe I'm losing to a…" Jr. squinted at his opponent's card. "…a Cerberus Card." Jr. blinked. "Are you sure that these 'special' cards you have are legal in the tournament?"

"Of course!" The burly man shrugged and laid down a Laguna card on the battlefield. "Now this is an instant death to all cards on the battlefield, standby, and hand cards. Oh, and you lose 55 HP."

"BUT THAT'S MORE THAT WHAT I HAVE! THAT'S EVEN MORE THAN WHAT I STARTED WITH!" Jr. protested.

The burly man snickered. "I know."

Jr. began to cry as the burly man stuffed his cards back into his 'Triple Triad' card box. It felt GREAT to cheat.

Jr. sulked away and then turned around. "I won't accept defeat." He dashed back to the burly man and slammed his hands onto the table. "Another match! I'll bet I can beat you this time!"

"Okay bud. What's the bet?" The burly man grabbed his cards back from out of the box.

"I'll bet my EXCLUSIVE guns here!" Jr. dumped his guns onto the table.

KOS-MOS passed by as she was ready to leave (With her 45 billion gold) and watched as Jr. was ready and willing to give away his guns.

"Jr. are you sure…"

"YES I'M SURE!" Jr. snapped. "NOW GO AWAY!"

KOS-MOS shrugged and exited the Gambling Room.

"Now…" Jr. grinned. "LET'S PLAY!"

Well? Good? Bad? R&R Please!

Kat