Fan Fiction ❯ There's No Such Thing As Luck ❯ Hostages And Allen's New 'Friend' Rap ( Chapter 3 )

Disclaimer: Don't own Xenosaga, the quote from Nutty Professor or Final Fantasy 8's Card game. Can't get any simpler than that.

"Well Sonny, I must thank you for your parting with these guns here…" The burly man snatched the guns up from the table and kissed them before stuffing them under the table.

"No!" Jr. grabbed his head and slammed his face against the table surface. "How could I lose!? This is MY gambling table!"

"It was a pleasure doing business with you…" The burly man began to gather up his Triple Triad cards. "Call me again if you ever want to gamble again…"

"Wait!" Jr. jerked his head up and began to strip from his black trench coat. "I'll bet this!" He tossed the trench coat onto the table.

The man shrugged. "Suit yourself. It's your funeral." The burly man began to re-stack his cards.

"I won't lose THIS time!" Jr. vowed as he began to shuffle his deck together.

The next morning…

Tony and Captain Matthews were busy ATTEMPTING to make breakfast for everyone. Ziggy walked in, carrying a newspaper as he seated himself at a table.

"Good morning Ziggy!" Tony greeted.

"Tony! The eggs! The eggs!" Captain Matthews dashed over to Tony and grabbed the spatula from Tony's hand. Captain Matthews turned and flipped the eggs. He growled. "That's it! No more talking for you! You obviously DON'T know how to make breakfast!"

"Why I outta…!" Tony grabbed the sizzling pan and hit Captain Matthews in the side of the head with it.

"AHHHH!!!" Captain Matthews wailed as he clutched his burned face. He began to hop up and down and then turned to grab his own sizzling pan full of bacon. He flung the pan at Tony, who skillfully dodged, and the pan went sailing until it collided with a robot who was busy cooking hash browns. The robot cracked in half and just…kinda stopped working.

The two bickering men paused, blinked, and then…

"NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!" The two screamed in unison.

Ziggy buried his head further into the paper and muttered, "Does that mean that there's no breakfast today?"

Tony jumped and body slammed Captain Matthews to the ground. Captain Matthews began to pull on Tony's earrings as Tony snatched the hat from off Captain Matthews' head and began to beat him in the face with it.

Hammer staggered in on his crutches.

"Hi everybody, what's for breakfast?" Hammer was greeted with hash browns and a flying pan to the face as Tony reached for Hammer's crutches and began to pound Captain Matthews with them. Captain Matthews struggled to stand up, but was pushed out the door, taking Hammer with him.

"Ha! I am the champion!" Tony bellowed as he leaned backwards and gave a good, hearty, laugh.

"What is all the screaming that I hear?" chaos emerged into the room with MOMO not far behind.

"Eh? chaos?" Tony scratched the back of his head. "It was all the Captain's fault."

Meanwhile…

Albedo was still trying to find a way to send the chain letter to um…a lot of people.

"Okay! THIS will work!" Albedo laughed as he carried a new computer into his ghastly lair. "I didn't NEED that old computer! THIS one as least comes with a huge plasma screen and a remote control."

Albedo dumped the computer box onto the floor (which was followed by breaking glass and other sorts of not very nice sounds, which obviously weren't good for the computer.)

Albedo set himself onto the floor and opened the box. He found the instructions on the top and opened them.

"Step 1: Open the box. Check! Step 2: Assemble glass pieces to make…" Albedo sulked. "…the plasma screen." Albedo looked down into the box. "I have to assemble the plasma screen!? How can anyone assemble glass!? Grrr…CURSES!!!" To make his anger sound more realistic, Albedo hit the lightning sound effect button on a nearby control panel and lightning fed through the sky.

MOMO skipped down the hall, humming to herself.

"I LOST AGAIN!?" MOMO stopped at the sound of a loud, yet familiar voice. She walked into a room where she had thought the scream had come from.

Jr. was at a gambling table, pounding his head against the surface of the table.

"It's not fair!" He shouted. MOMO gasped when she noticed that he was standing in just his boxers.

"Hey kid, thanks for the clothes," A burly man told him as he dropped the clothes to the floor. "But you don't have anything left to gamble with. Besides, you've been playing all night. Don't you think that it's time for you to stop?"

"NEVER!" Jr. growled as he jerked his head up from the table. "I WILL find something else to bet against!"

"Jr.," Came MOMO's quiet voice. "What are you doing?"

Jr.'s face melded into a hideous evil snicker as he spotted the good luck charm around MOMO's wrist that he had given her.

"Come here, MOMO," He crooned. She obediently stepped up to him. Then, with a swift jerk, he snatched the bracelet and ripped it from her wrist. "I will bet you this bracelet that I can win the next match!"

"Jr.!" MOMO cried.

"Hey, I ain't betting for pretty stuff, kid." The burly man told him.

"No way. This is a SILVER bullet. Made completely from…um…SILVER." Jr. laid the bracelet on the table.

"But Jr.!" MOMO protested. "You GAVE that to me!"

"Quiet! I'll get you another one!" Jr. shooed her away. "My reputation is on the line."

MOMO ran off, crying.

"That was pretty dirty, man…" The burly man told him.

"Shut up!" Jr. said. "Are you here to play, or are you here to play?"

"I guess I'm here to play."

"GOOD! Now shuffle the cards."

"Good morning my fellow fans!" Allen stepped into the kitchen, as chaos was busy making breakfast. chaos had thought it better if HE was the one cooking instead of Tony and the Captain.

Ziggy looked up from his newspaper and then glanced back down at it. Tony sat across from him as the Captain and Hammer were at the table behind them.

"Morning," They all muttered incoherently.

Allen strolled in, wearing his usual rapping outfit. "Well, I applied for that TV Commercial for rappers everywhere. And guess WHAT!?"

"What?" Everyone mumbled, uninterested in whatever Allen had to say.

"I actually got my FIRST performance scheduled! And then they want me to come by the studio with all the songs I've been working on and make them into a CD, and…"

"That's nice, Allen," Captain Matthews muttered.

Allen blinked. "Well come on guys, don't you know what that means!?"

"No…" They all said, unenthusiastically.

"I'm having my FIRST concert!"

"Where?" Hammer asked.

"At the Dock Colony! They're setting me up outside and they've already sold all the tickets!"

"Really?" Tony mumbled. "Oh well, guess that that means that we can't go. Oh, how sad I am."

"Now you didn’t think I'd forget about you all THAT easily, right?" Allen flashed multiple tickets in the faces of his 'friends'.

"You got tickets…for us?" Ziggy asked.

"Of COURSE! I want EVERYBODY to be there!"

"Um, gee, Allen. I think that I have something planned for…um, what day did you say that it was?" Tony paused.

"Tonight!" Allen grinned.

"Oh darn, I just remembered that I'm going to get my monthly manicure," Tony said, acting disappointed. "Sorry Allen."

"Yeah!" Hammer spoke up. "Which reminds me that I'm um…getting my…um…ears waxed…and…"

"EWWWW!!!" Everyone shouted as they scooted away from him.

"Oh…" Allen looked hurt. "I see. Well if no one can make it, then who's going to eat all that great food I had prepared?"

"What food?" Captain Matthews suddenly became interested.

"Well…I paid this one gourmet chef to cook all this exquisite fish and lobster and steak and–"

"Okay we're going!" Captain Matthews interrupted.

"HEY!" Tony and Hammer shouted in unison.

"Really!?" Allen's face lit up. "That's great! Thanks a lot guys."

"No problem…" Everyone groaned.

"Geez kid. You don't have anything left to gamble with." The burly man shook his head. "You've been playing at this table since yesterday. Don't you think that it's time for you to quit?"

"Jr.?" Jr. didn't even have to turn around. "I find it quite odd that a life form such as yourself ('human' in other terms) would still be wasting your time in a room such as this."

"And just what are YOU doing here, KOS-MOS?" Jr. turned his head around, slowly.

"I never said that Realians could not participate in your human sports. On the contrary, I seem to be faring much better than you anyhow." Jr. stared at all the gold in her hands.

"Ha! I have double that amount in my savings account!"

This caught the burly man's attention. "Oh? Really?"

"I have overheard what you have done to MOMO, Jr. and to tell you the truth, I find that quite inappropriate. Surely it would be in your best interest to cease gambling and go apologize."

"Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?" Jr. grinned as he shuffled his cards. "All right, new match!"

"Hmm…about those saving accounts of yours…" The burly man grinned.

"Certainly!" Jr. said. "I have credit cards as well." He threw those on the table. "And the documents to my savings accounts will be mailed to you HAVE I the misfortune of losing."

KOS-MOS shook her head. "Allen also wished for me to inform you that he will be constructing a concert and wants for you to attend."

"Sure, sure," Jr. said, brushing her off. "When I win my first game I will."

KOS-MOS began to walk away. "Oh, and Jr.?"

"What?"

"It is my suggestion that you clothe yourself. Standing in just your boxers gives the implication that you are nothing more than a low-life transient."

"Peachy. Just the look I was going for." Jr. replied, not paying attention.

"MOMO," Ziggy knocked on the door to her room before stepping inside. "Come on, we have to go see the Professor."

He found her in the corner of the room, weeping. "No thanks," She mumbled, her face in her hands. "I'm not feeling well."

"What's the matter…?" Ziggy asked, concerned.

"Jr. gambled away the good luck charm he gave me…"

"What?" Ziggy asked, surprised. "But that doesn't sound like Jr. at all…"

"It's true," She said, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. "He did…"

For some unexplainable reason, Ziggy felt a bit of hatred for the boy. He quickly brushed it away, and contemplated how he could console MOMO.

"Come on then. It will do you good to get out of this stuffy room. Besides, having you there might make the Professor change his mind about Assistant Scott's wedding."

"What do you mean?" She sniffed.

"Well, you care about people. You feel for them and understand them. I think you could help me convince the Professor to change his mind."

She smiled.

"All right!" She said, her demeanor changing completely. "Let's go."

"…Step 5,352…" Albedo read as he clutched a small piece of the plasma screen. "Glue square-circle-round-flat-hexagon-looking-thingy next to the last piece you assembled by the right end of the bottom edge…What the fudge?" Albedo threw the piece down and observed the horribly shaped plasma screen that he had just constructed. Glue poured out from all edges and he scowled.

"This doesn't look ANYTHING like the super ultra cool plasma screen the TV commercial advertised." Albedo pouted. "Let's try putting together the control panel instead." Albedo turned the box upside-down and THOUSANDS of computer pieces fell to the ground.

Albedo blinked and picked up the directions. "Step 1: Assemble computer screen." Throwing the directions up into the air he shouted, "CURSES!!!!"

"Professor?" Ziggy poked his head into the room, MOMO right behind him. "Professor? Are you in here?"

Ziggy heard mumbling and cursing and then spotted the Professor working on some contraption. "Uh, Professor?" Ziggy spoke again.

"What!?" The Professor snapped. "I'm busy trying to ruin Assistant Scott's life!"

"What? How?" Ziggy asked.

"I'm going to poison all of the guests, set fire to the chapel, and then RUN OFF WITH HIS SO-CALLED WIFE!"

"That's not very nice," MOMO said. "You should be happy for him!"

"Not to mention that killing all of the guests at the wedding won't solve your problems either." Ziggy added.

"Silence!" The Professor turned around, holding a semi-automatic. "Just what would YOU two know?"

"Um…how NOT to kill people." Ziggy stood in front of MOMO, using himself as a shield. "You really don't want to kill us, Professor."

"No, I DON'T," The Professor laughed as he cocked the semi-automatic. "But you two will make GREAT hostages against that fool, ASSISTANT SCOTT!"

Ziggy leaned down and whispered to MOMO. "How about it? Want to be a hostage?"

"Sure," She shrugged.

"Okay," He stood back up to face the Professor. "Okay we'll be your hostages." Ziggy said.

"Ah!" The Professor grinned. "THAT'S because you don't want to die."

"You really couldn't kill me anyway with just that gun, but sure." Ziggy commented.

The Professor became displeased. "Stand aside, Cyborg!"

"What for?"

"I might not be able to kill YOU, but I can still ELIMINATE the Realian!"

"Okay, now THAT'S not cool." Ziggy refused to budge.

"Well, being UNCOOPERATIVE with your Master? Now that's a sin. PREPARE TO BE VANQUISHED!"

"I thought that you weren't going to kill us."

"Oh, yes. That's right." The Professor said. "SO INSTEAD I'M GOING TO STICK YOU BOTH IN MY EVIL DUNGEON OF DOOM!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"I really hope that you've already eaten," Ziggy said to MOMO. "Prison food tastes like garbage."

"Dock Colony, next stop." Captain Matthews said as Tony pulled the Elsa into a parking spot.

"At last!" Allen grinned. "I will finally be recognized as a MAN."

"I wonder what happened to Ziggy and MOMO…" Shion pondered.

"Not to mention Little Master." Captain Matthews added.

"That's all right," chaos smiled. "We're all going to have a wonderful time! Isn't that right, KOS-MOS?"

"I do not care much for human activities such as singing and dancing. Except, perhaps, gambling. So I have no opinion of this."

"Oh poo!" Allen said. "Don't be such a grump, KOS-MOS. When you see the songs I have planned for you, you'll ALL bow down to my rapping skills."

Silence.

"Anyway," Tony broke the silence. "We've come to a complete stop. Let's get going."

"Great!" Allen broke into a run out of the room. "ME FIRST! ME FIRST!"

Everyone paused.

"Of course we could just start up the Elsa right now and leave." Tony suggested.

"I'm all for it." Hammer said, holding up a crutch.

"Now, people," chaos settled them down. "That's not very nice. Let's just go and see the concert."

"Tickets? Tickets? Can I see your tickets?" The guard asked as chaos, Shion, KOS-MOS, Tony, Hammer, and Captain Matthews stepped forward.

"Tickets?" chaos fished them out of his shirt. "Here you go."

"Thank you Sir." The guard took them and then screamed as his hand sizzled and smoke began to form. Goop (that had been skin before) fell to the ground, steaming as chaos stepped backwards.

"Dear me, I'm so sorry. Here, let me help." chaos reached up to touch the guard's shoulders and his arms turned into massive puddles of goop and fell from his body. Then moss and other sorts of mold began to grow all over his body until he turned into a big green plant looking thing and he began running, bewildered, until he entered a circle of homeless bums and fell into their bonfire. The fire erupted into huge flames and the bums stared at it, intoxicated by its coolness.

"Wow…" They all said in unison. Then they began to sing and hop around. "The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire!"

"Let's just go…" Shion sidestepped away.

"Oh I just feel so horrible…" chaos said sadly. "Hey! Are those chips and dip that I see?" He skipped off to get some of the goodness.

"Um…we'll save you a seat…" Tony called after him.

"Good evening, Gentlemen," chaos said as he got a plate and held it up to the men who were handing out food. "May I have some please?"

"Only after you wait in line like everyone else!" The first man pointed to a HUGE line that zigzagged way beyond God knows where.

"Oh, such a pity…" chaos said sadly and then looked up. "Well, I have this coupon here," chaos forcefully pushed a piece of paper into the man's hand and the other man watched, curiously.

"W-What are you doing!?" The coupon turned into a huge man-eating Venus Flytrap and ate the man's hand. "AHHHH!!!!" The Venus Flytrap then melted into a toxic acid and holes began to form in the man's skin as the acid ate away at his body. Suddenly, the skeletal part of the man's body began to show through and he teetered over and landed in the other man's arms.

"What the?" The second man quivered as the acid attached itself to his own skin and began to eat away at it. Then the acid turned into a HUGE goopy monster which rose above the snack stand and consumed the other man and the skeleton of the first man and digested them within its bowels. Satisfied, the monster dissolved into a liquid and began to search for new prey.

"AHHH!" The crowd panicked as they backed away from the snack stand and ran in different directions as the acid continued to follow after them.

"Pity, I didn't think that the food was THAT bad…" chaos shook his head and began to grab one of everything.

Meanwhile, Allen had started the concert.

"This is dedicated to all those who made me feel special and always said 'Go Allen. You can do it.' They were always there for me." Allen smiled. "SO! We're going to start off with a great rap about my friends!"

"Gee, I'm so honored." Tony said from the crowd. He turned to Hammer. "I want to leave now."

"I don't." Captain Matthews grinned. "I can't wait to see him make an ass out of himself."

"Yeah with his stupid rap about his friends." Hammer laughed. "As if he HAS any! I can picture his rap now. 'My friends are so nice and special and pretty…"

"Here we go!" Allen grinned as he motioned for his band to start.

The song started off nice and pretty and Hammer laughed.

"Told you," He said to Tony.

Then the song turned hard-core and heavy metal like.

"I hate my friends

They're really lame

I got my Poke'mon blue to keep me

Company anyway

So they can fall off cliffs

And do the Hokey-Pokey

Cuz they suck

Especially that Miyuki

Captain Matthews is a pig

And Tony is a slob

Hammer's hair is oily

Which is often stuck in globs

Ziggy is a Cyborg who can't eat

MOMO is a Realian with small feet

Shion is a 'gardening ho'

I mean HOE

And Jr. is a priss

And they're gonna burn in

HELLO hot chick

I'm so cool…"

"HEY!" Hammer shouted. "That's not cool! My hair is NOT oily and stuck in globs!"

"PIG!?" Captain Matthews roared. "You just made ME look like an ASS!"

"SLOB!?" Tony clenched his fists. "YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S ALWAYS TALKING WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL!"

"HO!? DID YOU JUST CALL ME A HO ALLEN RIDGELEY!?" Shion rolled up her sleeves as she readied herself to storm up on the stage.

"That's right!" Allen shouted back at her. "A HO! Of COURSE you'd date Kevin, but when I asked, it was all 'Nooo Allen, I DON'T date guys that aren't of my species."

From within the corner, one of the band members held up a sign that said 'Boo'. Suddenly, the entire crowd booed.

"AND! You and everyone else are always putting me down! It just hurts!" It looked like Allen was on the verge of tears.

The band member switched the sign to 'Awwww'. The entire crowd said 'Awwww' with sympathy.

"BUT now that I am rich and famous, you ALL want to be my friends!"

An important figure walked up onto the stage and handed Allen a medal.

"Here you are, Allen. For being the best person in the world, you can have this REAL GOLD AND SHINY MEDAL!"

"Ah, thank you Sir!" Allen held the medal up for everyone to see and the crowd cheered.

"All in favor for jumping that back-stabbing over-egotistical jerk say 'I'." Tony growled.

"I." Came the responses of everyone.

"Good…" Tony grinned malevolently. "It's payback time."

Lol sorry MOMO/Jr. fans. Things will get better between them, although I'm not too much of a M/J fan myself. Besides, Ziggy and MOMO are hostages of the EVIL Professor. And all will work out at the end. I promise. R&R too, please. BTW please don't take any of this stuff seriously. I really am only trying to make a funny fic.

Kat