Fan Fiction ❯ There's No Such Thing As Luck ❯ Stampede Of Llamas And Ziggy's Wedding Bouquet ( Chapter 6 )

Disclaimer: Give me a break. I don’t own the friggin stuff already! Turkeys! Okay? Happy? And there’s not even any turkeys in my story! Oh! And MORE! I don’t own Sephiroth’s theme from Final Fantasy VII, or Dungeons & Dragons, or any of the other stuff one may recognize as not mine…Except the story. Now THAT is MINE.

A/N: Ah yes, the long awaited sixth chapter of this miserable story. But…I lied. This actually ISN’T the last chapter for this little saga. There’s a seventh? Uh, yeah. As I kept writing, I kept getting more ideas and trying to squeeze them all in resulted in cutting the story out of its pure entertainment MAJORLY. But the seventh chapter IS already mostly written out, so you all don’t have to worry about waiting 70 billion months for another update. And since Episode II just recently came out and I have yet to get my hands on that, I can say that this may not be the end of this story in general. I may make another story like this, or worse…just add on to this story. Who knows? Things change. Anyway, on a prelude to a concluding note, I hope you’ve enjoyed ‘There’s No Such Thing As Luck’ and I will be sure to let you all know if there is going to be more to come. Promises, promises. Now, moving on!

And…perhaps I should warn now. I kind of got carried away with chaos and his Ninja Evil Touch…blood…the Professor…more blood. Ya know. Stuff like that. So don’t say I didn’t WARN you.
There's No Such Thing As Luck
  Chapter Six
 

Walls crumbled, debris was flung all over the place, instantly killing random unfortunate people.

They never had a chance…

…Oh well. Sucks for them. Anyway, bouncing through the broken holes in between walls were none other than the long awaited Gnosis, ready to kick butt and take some names. Hundreds crowded through the walls, stomping over each other, eager to kill everyone. What fun.

---------------------------------

“Do you hear that?” Tony asked, looking heavenwards to the vibrating ceiling above him and the others. “I told you there was no hope.” He went back to playing strip Go Fish.

“Stop it Tony!” Shion stomped her foot, irate.

“Yeah Tony!” Hammer chimed in. “Those aren’t the Gnosis above us!”

Tony was skeptical. “That’s right Hammer. Fuzzy bunnies are making nests above us.” He flung the cards in Hammer’s face. “IDIOT! Now I see why your mother killed herself!”

“My mother did NOT kill herself! It was accidental food poisoning!”

“Will you be quiet?” Captain Matthews grabbed the hat from off his head and flung it to the ground. “Golf carts! You guys are annoying!”

“…Golf carts?” Hammer and Tony looked at each other, confused.

---------------------------------

Well, it looks like the good old gang won’t be doing anything other than playing strip Go-Naked-Hammer-Fish for a while…

---------------------------------

“Mov e it! Faster!” The Professor pushed the barrel of the magnum into Ziggy’s back, knocking him forward. “Am I not making myself clear?”

“I have to go to the bathroom,” Gaignun whined.

“Shut up!” The Professor withdrew the magnum from Ziggy’s back and began to abuse poor Gaignun with it. “No bathroom breaks until after we turn Assistant Scott’s white ribbons and bouquets into guts o’ galore, yo-yos made of eyeballs, and we use human teeth to line the cake!”

“Oh…” Gaignun slouched over, afraid. “Oh…that…sounds nasty.”

---------------------------------

Just yards away from the conspiring Professor and his hostages, Assistant Scott was giving his ‘I do’s’ to his new sweet bride, Gloria Squattingork. Wait, does that mean that Assistant Scott’s REAL name is Assistant Scott Squattingork? And can Orks really squat? Perhaps if we asked mister T--

“OMG I’m just MOMENTS away from victorious human cannibalism and the NARRATOR has to ruin EVERYTHING!” The Professor began to jump violently up and down, screaming and swinging the magnum.

Just then, the sky began to grow very…very dark…and clouds quickly materialized overhead. Then a lightning bolt struck, outlining the ground around the Professor.

“Oooh! Oooh!” Gaignun pointed. “The Professor nearly suffered Misfortune Damage!”

The Professor cocked an eyebrow. “…Misfortune Damage?” The ground suddenly radiated with such luminosity as another lightning bolt fed through the sky and displayed its truth wrath and smite the poor Professor. After twenty seconds of glamorous showers of illuminant display and piercing screams and burnt human flesh, the lightning died out, leaving behind the charred remains of what USED to be the handsome, seductive, sexy…

“EWWW!” The trio hostage blurted out.

All right, maybe not sexy.

“I knew it!” Gaignun cried as white little beady eyes through black fleshy tissue blinked at him. “Just like in Dungeon & Dragons!” Fishing in his pocket, Gaignun pulled out a D4, used ESPECIALLY in D&D. He squatted on the ground and rolled the die, grinning from ear to ear. “Ah! The number 4 each time! And the Professor has officially suffered 13 points of Misfortune Damage.”

“How do you exactly plan to get a 13 off of a 4 sided die, Gaignun?” Ziggy folded his arms. “13 is not a multiple of 4.”

“I know, but 13 is such an unlucky number…”

Suddenly, a rock fell from the sky and landed on the Professor, crushing him.

“See what I mean?” Gaignun concluded.

---------------------------------

Ahem…shall we get back to Assistant Scott then?

---------------------------------

“I do,” Assistant Scott followed up after Gloria.

“Um…okay,” The priest said, flipping through his note cards hidden in between the pages of his book. Geez…what a nerd… “If…um…there’s no objections and…schtuff…”

“I OBJECT!” All of Assistant Scott and Gloria’s relatives and friends looked up as a flying grenade soared overhead, like a rainbow, landing right in the middle of the aisle. Heads of crying relatives were blown off, and bodies were dismantled and disemboweled…even though it was only a grenade attack…and flowers were blown to smithereens, and the cake that took two months to finish was blasted apart in a mere three seconds. Oh well. I didn’t like chocolate banana whip cream anyway. Oh yes, back to the blood, guts, and gore. Anyway. The banner overhead that read “Congratulations Scott and Gloria Squattingork,” was torn into teeny tiny pieces from the detonation…More people were killed…The white benches that everyone had been sitting in became flying debris, forming their own rainbow of happiness…

When the smoke cleared, the Professor was still unsatisfied. Assistant Scott, the new Mrs. Squattingork, and the nerdly (In my story, nerdly is going to be a word, because it’s my story. And yes. That IS circular reasoning. ) priest were left in the middle of a crater…the wedding ruined.

“The cake!” Gloria wept into her hands as her new husband attempted to console her.

“Blessed by God my butt!” The Professor turned to Gaignun and pointed. “I win!”

“Blasphemy!” The nerdly priest cried. “This wedding IS blessed by God!”

The Professor walked down the smoldering aisle, stepping over the charred bodies of the wedding couples’ relatives.

“Professor!” Assistant Scott cried out, his white tuxedo smeared with blood, guts, and other unfriendly body organs…likes…stomachs…and livers. “What is the meaning of this? Why did you just kill my Uncle Ron and Aunt Chunk-Chunk?”

“Because they deserved to die! They were old anyway!” The Professor screeched.

“There, there, honey,” Assistant Scott cooed, rubbing his new wife’s back. “HONESTLY! I’m disappointed in you Professor!”

“What did I say, Assistant Scott?” The old Professor pointed a wizened finger at his former apprentice. “I TOLD you all that you loved would perish! Everything you touch DIES! You’re a JYNX!”

Assistant Scott frowned and retorted, “Nothing would’ve DIED if you hadn’t blown everyone up with a GRENADE! My CAKE would still be in tact! My BENCHES would still be in tact! My RELATIVES would still be in one piece with their livers and stomachs back in their BODIES instead of soiling my tuxedo on my wedding day!”

“Actually, I think that it’s a very good look for you, Assistant Scott. It gives you that homicidal depiction.”

“I do NOT take murdering up as a hobby like YOU DO, Professor!”

In the background, Ziggy, MOMO, and Gaignun watched as smoke continued to pour up into the sky, flames overtaking the broken benches, and, of course, Scott and the Professor bickering like two old women.

“I HATE you Professor!”

“GOOD!” The Professor then withdrew the magnum and shot the nerdly priest in the eye. He gurgled, spat up blood, and crunched to the ground. Assistant Scott blinked, then looked down at the dead nerdly priest.

“…Why did you just shoot my priest?”

“Because he was using note cards. That’s not a man of the cloth. Besides, he was wearing white. It offended me.” The Professor answered.

“Oh, like FUDGE it did!” Assistant Scott jumped off the broken flaming steps and pushed his face into the Professor’s. “Why can’t you ever be happy for me?”

“Because you’re ugly!”

“WHAT?”

“Oh Lord…” Ziggy’s face fell into the palm of his hand as he shook his head. “This is going nowhere.” The Cyborg turned to approach the two until he felt a small hand wrap around his human one.

“Ziggy,” MOMO pleaded. “He has a gun…Be careful…”

Ziggy nodded. “You stay here MOMO.” Then he averted his gaze to Gaignun. “You’d better watch over her.”

The Cyborg didn’t wait for Gaignun to respond before he pivoted and advanced down the aisle.

“All right, Lovebirds, enough bickering.” Ziggy stepped in between the two, tired of the shouting. He first looked at the Professor, who was fuming. “Professor, if you didn’t like Assistant Scott, I doubt you’d waste your time with him, would you?”

“Out of the way, Cyborg!” The Professor shouted, holding the magnum up to Ziggy’s face. From behind, Ziggy could hear the intake of breath come from MOMO and Gaignun.

“I knew you’d try to pull a stunt like this!” Assistant Scott cried, and withdrew a rock from the pocket of his tuxedo. “So I’ve been saving my lucky skipping stone just for this moment! Take THAT Professor!” Chucking the rock at the Professor, it ricocheted off of the old man’s head and he slumped to the ground, a big red ring in the middle of his forehead.

“Well…good job on knocking him out.” Ziggy complimented…kind of.

---------------------------------

Um…that was interesting. So let’s get to the good stuff.

---------------------------------

“Well, I figure that I didn’t need that lab anyway,” Albedo pouted as he watched his entire fortress become consumed by flames. Virgil stood next to him, frowning.

“This is all your fault, I hope you know.” Virgil told him.

“Aww man, shut up!”

Then…Albedo got an awful…terrible…malicious…more awful…hideous…inhumane…still more awful…unthinkable idea.

“We’ll just use Wilhelm’s PC!” The platinum haired villain chanted, throwing his arms into the air. “It’s splendid! Why didn’t I think of it in the first place?”

“That’s right,” Virgil muttered, crossing his arms over his chest. “Why DIDN’T you?”

“No matter,” Albedo waved the matter away. “We’ll just use my portable scooter to get to his HQ.”

“…Portable scooter?”

“Ch,” Albedo snorted. “It was on sale, Virgil. Gosh, it’s not like I’ve run up my credit cards or anything. I’m a VERY careful shopper!”

“I was more concerned about why there’s a portable scooter in your possession, Albedo.”

“…Oh.”

----------------------------- ----

Okay, so while we wait for Albedo and Virgil to scoot themselves around on Albedo’s pink and orange scooter…

---------------------------------

“W e have located the rebellious one, King Allen!” Clyde and Brutus drug a chained up woman into the room by her hair, kicking and screaming.

“What will you have us do with her?” Clyde asked, gesturing to the struggling woman.

“Lock her in the dungeon with the others?” Brutus suggested.

“No, no,” Allen waved their pitiful ideas away and stood up. Tied around his neck and gaudy attire was a purple crunch velvet cape, and a large jewel embossed gold crown sat upon his head…over his lovely beret. “First, release her gag. I wish to commune with the violator.”

When the cloth had been released from the woman’s mouth, she immediately began to scream.

“ALLEN? WHAT IN NEPHILIM’S NAME ARE YOU DOING? Why did your men trample through my apartment while I was in the middle of doing exercises in front of my TV and chain me up and gag me? And why do you look like an IDIOT?”

“Speak NOT, vile one, to our KING like that!” Clyde warned.

“…King?” The woman who seemed to know Allen cocked an eyebrow. And WHY did she know Allen? Well, it’s simple, really.

“Miyuki,” Allen sighed. “You have absolutely NO sense in fashion. But if you insist that I share with you my secret, I will. It’s because I’m King Allen that I wear this--the sexiest rapper alive.”

“…What?” Miyuki frowned. “KING? Says who?”

“Says me, my adoring fans, me, my producers of the record company, me, the World’s Greatest Rapping Contest Commercial, but mostly me.”

“It’s true,” Brutus agreed, gesturing to the huge silent crowd gathered around Allen. “King Allen has many admirers.”

“HA! That’s a GOOD one!” Miyuki broke out into strong laughter. “Allen doesn’t have any friends!”

Suddenly, Clyde slapped the woman upside her head. “You will address him as KING Allen, knave!”

“Oh that’s true, Miyuki,” Allen agreed, stepping down from his throne. “But that was BEFORE Allen became cool and found fame and fortune.” Then, he whipped out a check from his back pocket. “And mummy and daddy sent me a check for thirty-thousand gold.” He flashed a big smile. Yes. If you look in Allen’s profile on the keywords of the U.M.N. server, you will see that Allen is indeed…(oddly)…rich.

Miyuki again frowned, being held up by Allen’s bodyguards. “This is against the law, Allen. I hope you realize that. Once I get out of here, I’m going to press charges against you for assault, kidnapping, and just being plain ugly.”

Allen immediately stumbled backwards, his hand clutching his heart. “W-What? Did you just call me…ugly?”

“BOOOO!” The crowd roared as they instantly pressed forward, ready to kill Miyuki with lamps, pitchforks, eggplants, and pictures of Matthews and his motley crew.

“W-Wait!” The Vector woman shrieked. “All right! All right! I’m sorry! What can I do to make it up to you, Allen?”

“AHEM.” Allen glared down at the sulking Miyuki.

“…King Allen…”

“Aha!” He threw his head back and laughed. Then he pointed to KOS-MOS. “Miyuki, I thought you’d never ask.”

---------------------------------

Two minutes later…

---------------------------------

“All en…I hate you…” Miyuki said lowly through gritted teeth as she rubbed the bare foot of Allen while KOS-MOS rubbed the other.

“It’s splendid!” Allen sank further into his chair, comfortably. “Clyde! Brutus! I see something wrong with the lights above me! I cannot sing if one light is out of place! Fix it for me or else I can’t sing!”

“Sing?” Miyuki flinched. “I have to hear Allen SING?”

“We’ll fix it at once your Highness!” And, of course, Allen’s two lapdogs scurried away.

---------------------------------

Bravo! So, while Allen is receiving foot massages from Miyuki and KOS-MOS, the Gnosis are stomping around right below his floor and emerging out onto the Durandel and Kukai Foundation. I guess they just decided that Allen wasn’t worth their time and ignored his room completely.

---------------------------------

“chao s, you really don’t…”

“Shut up, Jr.!” The platinum minion of evil turned his back on Jr., more concerned on how he was going to take over the Durandel and rid himself of the redhead behind him and that pimp/player, Gaignun Kukai. And now GNOSIS had invaded his beloved geyser home of BLOOD! “I am displeased.”

“Well that’s very out of character for you. You’re usually never displeased.”

“Silence!” chaos shouted, turning back to the Little Master. “You have no power HERE, Jr. All POWER is MINE!”

“You know, you’re beginning to sound like Albedo.”

“Enough!” And then more blood geysers shot from the floor, causing Jr. to jump back in fear. “I am angered!”

“…So I see.”

“Corpses! Arise and serve me!” As if things couldn’t get any worse, all of the corpses of the Realians, Mary, and the big burly man became animate and melded together to become some…bloody…gooey…nasty looking toxic…stuff…As chaos proceeded in performing the Troll Dance, the bloody…gooey…nasty looking toxic…stuff…arose behind him, and began to crawl all over the walls, covering every square inch of the windows, the ceiling, the floor…and other stuff…until it finally gave a nice, new, crispy crimson color to the Bridge.

“Ya know, too much red really gives that murderous look to the Durandel, chaos.” Jr. tapped his index finger against his chin. “And really, with all that blood, I can’t see out the windows. Can we reschedule for a paint job? I was thinking more along the lines of a mural with a certain handsome, daring, and sexy redhead as the cynosure.”

“SILENCE!” chaos roared as the tsunami of blood flared up behind him in fierce anger. “There will be no murals featuring YOU!”

“Aw man…That blows.”

Then One-Winged Angel began to play in the background.

‘Estuans interius

ira vehementi

Estuans interius

ira vehementi

Sephiroth

Sephiroth’

Jr., still standing in just his boxers, looked back and forth between chaos and chaos’ army of toxic blood, filled with organs, body parts, heads, more body parts, Jr.’s carpet, even more body parts, Jr.’s guns, I think that there’s still more body parts,

and whatever else you want to be in it.

‘Estuans interius

ira vehementi

Estuans interius

ira vehementi

Sephiroth

Sephiroth’

“NOW how do you think you can stand against me?” chaos laughed maniacally, folding his arms over his chest.

‘Sors immanis

Et inanis

Sors immanis

Et inanis’

Blinking, Jr. turned and went down on the lift.

Then the One-Winged Angel music cut to an abrupt stop. How unprofessional.

“Huh? HEY!” chaos balled his fists and threw them to his sides as he stomped his foot. “You’re not allowed to leave! That’s CHEATING!” The tsunami of blood once again flared up, flooding the entire bridge.

Bless the blood tsunamis of chaos-sama.

---------------------------------

So if you’re on a standpoint outside the Durandel, peaking into the Bridge, isn’t it nice to think that all you’re seeing are waves and waves and more waves of blood that just refuses to coagulate and just continues to fling itself around the room…destroying computers and stuff…like an orchestrated band conducted by chaos. Wow. That’s interesting blood indeed. Or perhaps it’s just broken.

---------------------------------

“Great. NOW what am I going to do?” Jr. frowned and dashed away from the bridge. “Where’s Shion and the others when you need them? Now that chaos has gone insane, I doubt there’s any hope of survival. And he killed off my sexy crewmembers! Inconceivable! I’ll burn off all his hair later. Or add grease in his food and make him gain weight. Yeah, that will teach him. Yeah…” Continuing to hold his boxers up with both hands, Jr. scampered down the halls, seeking guidance.

---------------------------------

“Heeeee ee~llo?” Tony beat on the door, shouting. “Anyone Theeeeere?”

“Man!” Hammer wailed. “We’re such failures! We can’t even get out of a stupid room! I should just allow you all to eat me first.” And Hammer closed his eyes while holding his arms out to his sides. “Just promise you’ll do it fast. But spare me my manly pride and refrain from eating my...”

“Look!” Shion shouted as she pointed to the lock panel next to the door. “The light’s blue!”

“…Yeah? So?” Captain Matthews asked, uninterested.

“Allen never locked the door! It’s been open this whole time!”

“You mean Allen’s just as stupid now as he was when he wasn’t cool?” Hammer inquired.

Staring down at the panel, Tony scowled. “And Matthews didn’t see it?”

“HEY! You were over there just as much as me!” The Captain defended. “You fat nerd!”

“Look who’s talking, Tubby!”

“Enough of this!” Shion shouted as she brushed past the hopeless trio and dashed out the door.

---------------------------------

“…I hear a party going on.” Jr. muttered as he wandered (half naked. Can’t forget that part) into the Elsa. “Someone’s gotta help me now.” Then he slouched over. “Geez and all those Gnosis are swarming the ship! But I can’t do anything in just my boxers without my beloved guns. I have to do something!”

Regaining his posture, Jr. dashed into one of the cabins…

…and stopped.

That’s right. He just…stopped. He stopped at the sight of the colorful disco ball, the freak dancing upon the tables, the two bodyguards, and KOS-MOS and some other woman giving Allen, who was dressed like a clown, foot massages.

“Ah!” Allen cheered. “Entertainment has arrived!”

“Oh Allen!” The girls around him cheered. “Did you hire the male stripper for us?”

“Uh…” He paused, then, GRINNING, nodded frantically up and down. “Of course, my precious jewels! All for you!” Then, snapping his fingers, “Clyde! Brutus! Throw him upon the vacant table before me!”

“Huh? Hey! ALLEN! What are you doing?” Jr. roared as the two bodyguards seized Jr. “Put me down, you no-necked boxes! I said PUT ME DOWN!”

Swinging the near-naked body of Jr. back and forth, they tossed him like a wet towel upon the table, where his face of delicateness was smashed like a vase.

“…Thanks.” Muttered the redhead, his words becoming absorbed in the furnish of the table.

“Jr.!” Allen clapped his hands together. “You are our opening act! Entertain me! Dance!”

“What are you talking about, Allen?” Jr. flared, standing up and pointing a stern finger at the King. “You don’t order ME around!” Then he looked at KOS-MOS. “Isn’t that right, KOS-MOS? Why are you taking orders from Allen?”

“Clyde,” Allen began to instruct his bodyguard. “Show MISTER Jr. what will happen to him if he does not cooperate.”

Clyde quickly grabbed a 1/6 scale model of the Durandel and set it on fire with a lighter. He tossed the burning model to the ground and began to jump up and down upon the massive flames.

“As you wish…Master,” Jr. hastily began to do an Irish jig on the table.

“YUMMY!” Allen rubbed his hands together.

---------------------------------

“Gnosis!̶ 1; Shion gasped, hiding behind a corner. “What on earth are they doing here?”

“And how come WE didn’t know about it?” Hammer whined.

“Probably because we were LOCKED up!” Tony kicked him.

“Oh…That’s right.” Hammer said from his new position on the floor. “Stupid Allen.”

“We have to get to the top and find Allen and make him stop this senselessness!” Shion told them.

“Yeah right!” Matthews snorted. “And what do you think Allen will do with us then?”

“He’ll make us strip naked and force us to fight like the old time Gladiators!” Hammer wailed. “I’m so self-conscious! I don’t have the heart to show myself off to anyone else, least of all ALLEN!”

Giving dirty looks to the youngest of the Elsa crew, Tony kneed him in the shin.

“AHHHH!”

“You sicko.”

---------------------------------

“Is that right then?” Ziggy asked, still standing between Assistant Scott and the near-conscious Professor. “Do we finally have things resolved?”

“NO!” The Professor screamed.

“What NOW?” Assistant Scott matched the Professor’s pitch just perfectly.

“I won’t let this continue!” The old man jumped up and down violently. “I WON’T! I WON’T! I WON’T!”

“You know what your problem is?” Assistant Scott leaned forward, getting in the Professor’s face. “You’re JEALOUS! You’re jealous of mine and Gloria’s happy relationship!”

“AM NOT!”

Sighing, Ziggy just sat down right there in the middle of the ruined aisle while the two towered over him, shouting insults back at one another.

“And to THINK that I tracked down your old flame whom you had the one night stand with and--”

“PLEASE!” Ziggy’s voice rose over theirs, catching everyone’s attention as he gestured to MOMO. “There are CHILDREN about.”

“Sorry,” Both muttered before resuming their argument.

“How would YOU know who my beloved is?” The Professor narrowed his eyes.

“Oh, I don’t know!” Came his assistant’s sardonic retort. “Maybe because you keep thirteen diaries about her and plaster her name all over the bathtub, the covers of your bed, and paint nude pictures of her everyday.”

Ziggy’s head shot up, disgusted.

“SHHH!” The Professor clamped a hand over Assistant Scott’s mouth. “The last part was supposed to be a SECRET!”

“Secret? SECRET? You constantly TORTURED me by showing them off to me, asking if you should make any adjustments on her--”

“ENOUGH!” Ziggy jumped to his feet, and pushed the two apart from each other. “So where is this all leading to?”

“Just that!” Assistant Scott directed everyone’s attention to behind MOMO and Gaignun, where an old fat woman stood, waving her small, chubby hand at the Professor. “Big Bertha.”

“B-Bertha?” The Professor stuttered. “Bertha, my beloved?”

“Oooooh Professor DAHLANG! How ARE you doing?” The woman screeched, her voice obviously too high pitched for her large figure. Her nose protruded far out beyond her face where an oversized lumpy black mole with a single strand of gray curly hair sticking out of it sat on the end of her large honker. If that schnozz was any bigger, it could shelter an entire state from a rainstorm. Her eyes were almost uneven, and her eyebrows were terribly misshapen. Her gray hair was held sloppily in a bun and she wore a white dress that was almost ten sizes too small for her, but she obviously must’ve thought that she looked good in it.

“Bertha!” The Professor cried, running for her as sad, sweet, and sappy music eloped the background and flower petals rained from the sky, dancing in mid-air, like a dream.

And then the Professor tripped on the dead corpse of Assistant Scott’s Aunt Chunk-Chunk and the moment was ruined.

---------------------------------

“Wilhelm!” ; Virgil and Albedo shrieked as they tumbled into Wilhelm’s secret lair. But Wilhelm was far too busy.

Sitting in his chair, the Vector mastermind was frantically chewing off all of his fingernails in a frenzy, staring at his computer screen.

“Master Wilhelm…” Virgil started.

“What’s wrong?” Albedo regained himself and walked towards the very unhappy man.

“This…this CHAIN LETTER!” Wilhelm cried. “At first I thought it was a fluke, but then I heard the dark and sinister voice of the Narrator!”

“Did it, perhaps, say something along the lines of ‘Dark forces…I summon you to me…banish these weaklings and inferior ones from my presence…’ ?” Virgil asked.

“YES!” Wilhelm jumped from his chair. “That was EXACTLY it!”

“Oh.” Both said in unison.

“I guess he can’t help us then,” Albedo said, miserably.

“You fool!” Virgil stomped his foot. “Wilhelm is actually one of the most POPULAR characters IN Xenosaga! Fangirls everywhere are just DYING to see him appear in the other Episodes. We’ll get THEM to receive this drastic chain letter and then we’ll be saved!”

“You’re…right!” Albedo cheered up. “Thank you oatmeal juice!”

“What’s this talk about me being popular?” Wilhelm frowned.

“Quick, Master Wilhelm!” Albedo and Virgil pushed him out of the way as they stole his computer, knocking his leather recliner on the ground and immediately began to click on random things. “No time! We have to find all of your friends and send them the chain letter!”

“Hey!” Wilhelm shouted from his occupied position on the ground. “That’s MY personal computer! Leave it alone!”

“No, wait!” Virgil cried, pounding his fist against the keyboard. “Quick, Master Wilhelm! What’s your password?”

“I’m not telling you that!”

“It obviously requires force!” Albedo jumped up from the table and pushed the virtual computer from its happy place on Wilhelm’s rich desk to the floor.

Wilhelm slowly stared at the new brightness arise in the middle of the room.

“Now look what you’ve done!” The Vector mastermind cried, struggling to his feet. “My office is on fire!”

“No! Wait!” Albedo said hastily. “I can fix this!”

Then all the lights in the building shut off, leaving the trio standing in front of the ever-growing fire, the rest engulfed in darkness.

And then suddenly…

‘Estuans interius

ira vehementi

Estuans interius

ira vehementi

Sephiroth

Sephiroth’

“…What the?” Virgil blinked.

Suddenly, the fire took on the form of a certain platinum haired individual, who was now causing havoc on the Durandel.

“BWAHAHAHAHA!” The fire form of chaos bellowed in an evil and demonic voice. “Fear me! I will rule all!”

‘Estuans interius

ira vehementi

Estuans interius

ira vehementi

Sephiroth

Sephiroth’

“Dear Lord, is that One-Winged Angel playing in the background?” Albedo turned to Virgil, who unenthusiastically nodded.

“Let all..” chaos threw his head back and held his arms outstretched, the fire still growing higher. “…GO KABOOM! BWAHAHAHA!”

“HUH?” All three cried in unison.

‘Sors immanis

Et inanis

Sors immanis

Et inanis’

Suddenly, smaller flames leapt from chaos’ fire form, turning into many chibi forms of chaos. Shrieking with high pitched shrills, all the chibi forms of chaos ran from the room, swarming the halls like a plague, and attacking all the innocent Vector workers in the building.

“NO!” Wilhelm grabbed the sides of his head, screaming. “MY CORPORATION!”

Avast! It be…! THE NINJA EVIL TOUCH!

‘Estuans interius

ira vehementi

Estuans interius

ira vehementi

Sephiroth

Sephiroth’

…To Sephiroth’s theme. Go figure.

Anyway.

Leaping into rooms, thousands of chibi chaos’ laughed maniacally, grabbing everything in sight, plaguing walls, which began to sprout long zombie-like arms from all the victims that chaos had killed, and setting fire to the poor workers. The zombie arms growing out from the walls grabbed those who passed by them while sprinting down the halls and pulled them, kicking and screaming, into the walls, followed by enormous spurts of blood…like a broken fire hydrant…

‘Veni, veni, venias

Ne me mori facias

Veni, veni, venias

Ne me mori facias’

Floating heads spinning in circles from more of chaos’ victims wandered in and out of rooms, bottom jaws broken and revealing LOOOOOOOONNNNGGG black tongues hanging out of their mouths like soggy ropes.

“What is this?” Wilhelm shrieked as he stared at the humongous dancing flame form of chaos in the middle of his room. “Who are you?”

“I AM THE LORD OF DARKNESS! THE MASTER OF THE NINJA EVIL TOUCH AND FLOATING HEADS WITH BROKEN JAWS! I…AM…CHAOS-SAMA!”

“chaos-sama?” The three echoed.

“But what do you want with us?” Albedo asked, alarmed.

“I WANT…DOOM!” The large flame form of chaos bellowed, flaring higher. “BWAHAHAHA!”

“…Oh.”

‘Veni, veni, venias

Ne me mori facias

Veni, veni, venias

Ne me mori facias’

Then the zombie arms appeared in Wilhelm’s room, and he shrieked, jumping into Virgil’s arms.

“Behold! My zombies!” chaos laughed. “My chibi chaos’ will reign terror!”

Then red clouds materialized in the room above Albedo, Virgil, and Wilhelm and it began to rain crimson evilness from the blood clouds upon them. Sulking, the trio stared at each other.

“This is lame.” Albedo commented, his purty white suit of evil now stained with the blood of all the Vector workers.

Then the floating spinning heads wandered into Wilhelm’s office, their black tongues wrapping around the unfortunate trio and restraining them.

“Yeah,” Virgil agreed as black tongues attacked him.

“It could always be worse,” Albedo pointed out. “We could’ve suffered the wrath of the Ancient Indian Curse.”

“That’s right!” Things seemed to be lots cheerier now.

Then a stampede of llamas broke down the wall to Wilhelm’s office and trampled everything.

“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! LLAMAS!”

BEHOLD! THE CURSE OF DUUME!

---------------------------------

“Now, cheer up, Assistant Scott,” MOMO tried to console the blonde haired man as he sat in the back seat of the small ship, who sat miserably with his hands folded over his chest.

Flashback of Duume

“Hey, where did Gloria go?” Assistant Scott asked after things got resolved and everyone began to leave.

The Professor, hand in hand with Big Bertha, pointed to a rustling bush nearby that had managed to survive the Professor’s earlier assault.

“Gloria?” Assistant Scott gasped as his new bride stood up from behind the bush…with...another man…

“VANDERKAM!” The groom cried as the bald purple X-ed face grabbed Gloria’s hand and the two took off into the meadow. Gloria threw her bouquet over her shoulder and it flew high up into the air.

The wedding march played in the background at an exceedingly fast pace.

“HOW COULD YOU?” Assistant Scott cried, tears streaming down his face as he stomped his foot. “COME BACK HERE, YOU STAMP FACE!”

“You know him?” Gaignun asked as Assistant Scott crumpled to the ground, sobbing.

“Of course! He and I were classmates! He ALWAYS stole EVERYTHING from me! My lunch! My clothes! My house! Even my family! And now he’s run off with my wife!”

“HA! I TOLD YOU YOUR WEDDING WOULD END IN DISASTER!” The Professor gloated as he danced in front of Assistant Scott, pointing a rude finger in his face. “I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU! I TOOOO~LD YOU!”

“SCREW YOU!” And Assistant Scott went back to sobbing.

“At least that’s over with,” Ziggy mumbled and then looked up to the sky for a split-second before inattentively catching something. Looking down, he realized that he was holding Gloria’s bouquet.

“Yay, Ziggy!” MOMO clapped as the Cyborg stood there, dumbfounded, holding a bouquet of roses. “That means that you’re going to get married!”

“…” Ziggy was not happy.

End Flashback of Duume

Ziggy, who was controlling the ship now, looked ahead and frowned. “Gnosis?” He said aloud to no one in particular as the sight of hundreds of Gnosis swarmed all over the Elsa, Durandel, and Kukai Foundation.

“Hey! That’s MY Foundation!” Gaignun slapped the back of the seat. “I will not STAND for such rudeness!”

“Ziggy,” MOMO said uneasily. “What are we going to do?”

Chewing on his bottom lip, Ziggy looked over at the Professor, his beloved, the sulking Assistant Scott, and Gaignun. “It’s best if you get to the Bridge and find out what’s going on. I’ll go and find Shion and the others.” Then, looking to MOMO, “MOMO, perhaps it will be best if you stay with the Professor and the others.”

“No!” MOMO protested. “I’m staying with you Ziggy!”

“MOMO it’s too dangerous--”

“Please!” She cried.

Shaking his head, Ziggy remained silent. And then, “Fine. But don’t wander away from me.”

The Cyborg then parked the ship into the dock and everyone split up from there.

---------------------------------

You know what? Maybe I should just hurry up and end this story. I’m getting WAY too carried away it seems. Especially with chaos. But um…my favorite part was when Ziggy caught the bouquet.  And then when the stampede of llamas trampled everyone. Even though llamas are supposed to be extinct.

I know people are going to attack me for this chapter. ’ So sorry! But um…please R&R anyway…? Um…nicely would be appreciated. (Perhaps I should rewrite it…?)

(Dear Lord, I am about to go down in flames…GASP! Wolfwood! I know that line!)

Kat