Fan Fiction ❯ There's No Such Thing As Luck ❯ King Allen, The Sexiest Rapper Alive ( Chapter 5 )

Disclaimer: Woot for not owning stuff.

  There's No Such Thing As Luck     Chapter Five    

Gnosis appeared on the horizon, just moments away from trouncing the Kukai Foundation. Whatever shall these poor people do?

Meanwhile, everyone was thrown down into the newly constructed jail located on the Elsa. Captain Matthews was busy beating on the door while Tony and Hammer played strip go-fish in the corner. Hammer was losing.

"Hammer put that away!" Shion cried, shielding her eyes as Hammer stared at her, standing in just his boxers.

"That CLOWN Allen!" Matthews kicked the door. "I'm gonna tear him limb from limb when I get out of here."

"That's IF, Captain," Tony said. "That's a very big IF. Chances are that we'll never get out of here. People will all forget about us and we'll have to wind up eating each other for survival."

Everyone shot threatening looks at the blonde man.

Tony didn't seem to notice as he glanced back down at his cards. "I say we eat Matthews first. He's the fattest."

"Why you snot-nosed little butt-muncher!" Matthews lunged for Tony, knocking the cards out of his hands, and began to strangle him. "I'll twist those earrings right out of your ears!"

"Enough children!" Shion snapped, causing everyone to pause and stare up at her. "We just have to think positively. I'm sure…Allen…will come to his senses and let us out of here eventually."

Ya Shion. And Allen is…?

"AHAHAHA!!!!!" Allen laughed from his velvet throne as KOS-MOS unenthusiastically massaged his feet. Brutus and Clyde stood on both sides of his purple throne as a HUGE party commenced within the halls of the Elsa, the disco ball spinning on the ceiling above them.

"Get a grip, Shion." Matthews said.

Meanwhile…

"Look!" MOMO pointed as the ship neared a large gathering in the middle of a field on some random planet named 'Ug-Nug'. "It's Assistant Scott's wedding!"

"It sure is," Ziggy concurred.

"And we're going to RUIN IT!" The Professor laughed maniacally. "WATCH THIS!" And the Professor began to press random buttons on the control panel.

Several guns opened up from different panels of the outside of the ship, all aiming for Scott's wedding. "FARE THEE WELL, ASSISTANT SCOTT!" The Professor screeched as he launched several missiles towards the ground.

"Professor!" Ziggy cried, leaning towards the front seat. "NO!"

"How could you!" Gaignun's eyes widened. "You just killed them all!"

"Isn't it colorful!?" The Professor's face split with a grin as the entire wedding (including a fifty-mile radius of land) was blown to kingdom come.

MOMO squinted as body parts, streamers, banners, tables, wedding cake, and flyers were thrown into the air. "On second thought…this wasn't Assistant Scott's wedding after all."

"…What?" The Professor asked as a wedding flyer landed on the windshield of the ship. "Vivi and Quina's Day of Happiness…? That doesn't sound at all like Assistant Scott."

Ziggy's eyes narrowed as he gave a disgusted look to the Professor. "You mean you just BLEW all those people up, and you didn't even know WHO THEY WERE!?"

"Mistakes happen." The Professor shrugged. "No one will miss them anyway."

"IDIOT!" Gaignun shouted.

"Uh, excuse me," The Professor started, turning around in the seat and pointing the magnum at Gaignun. "What did you say?"

Gaignun blinked, turned to Ziggy, and slapped him upside the head. "IDIOT! Can't you see that the Professor just did a GOOD THING!?"

Ziggy immediately turned and punched Gaignun in the face.

"Touch me again, and I'll throw you out of the ship."

"I'm sorry," Gaignun said hastily, his hands clutching his bleeding nose.

"Well if that wasn't them, then WHERE are they?" The Professor huffed.

"Uh…" MOMO leaned forward and pointed to the right. "Over there where it says 'Scott and Gloria's wedding'?"

The Professor frowned. "Wait a minute. They're so close! And the bomb destroyed everything within a fifty-mile radius. So why is it that they're not dead!?"

"Because," Gaignun started, stuffing Kleenex up his nose, hoping to slow the bleeding. "their wedding is blessed by God."

The Professor was silent for just a moment before hitting Gaignun in the face with the butt of the magnum. "FOOL!"

"DEAR LORD, MY FACE!" Gaignun screamed as his hand fled to his eye.

"Professor, instead of blowing them up, why don't we just try and TALK to Assistant Scott like reasonable people?" Ziggy paused and then added, "Well except for me. I'm a Cyborg."

"You giraffe!" The Professor snapped. "Words cannot be comprehended by that fool of a three-toed sloth! He has the literacy skills of a five-year old."

"WHAT!?" Gaignun cried. "And you let him WORK UNDER ME!?"

"He's over-exaggerating," Ziggy muttered before turning back to the loony professor. "Come on Professor. Just do it." Ziggy pushed MOMO forward. "Just look at the child."

MOMO worked up the best puppy eyes that she could muster, even adding the tears.

The Professor's eyes narrowed as his brows furrowed together. "Cyborg…you must be a fool if you think that I, at all, have a heart. In my veins flow the blackest of oil and there is a void where that big muscle should be. I feel no compassion. Now Assistant Scott must die."

Ziggy slapped himself in the face. Then something else drew the Professor's attention. Puzzled, Ziggy looked over and nearly shrieked. There was Gaignun, giving the Professor his own puppy eyes and trembling bottom lip.

"That's…not right," Ziggy muttered, scooting away from Gaignun.

"Man that just bites." Jr. muttered as he sulked out of the Gambling Room, wearing nothing but his boxers. "Well…guess I'll go to the bridge and see how everyone is doing under the command of their new leader." And then the alarm sounded.

"Gnosis! Gnosis!" Came over the loudspeaker. "Gnosis are coming towards the Durandel and Kukai Foundation! Citizens are to evacuate the city immediately! Little Master! Report to the bridge!"

"That's…probably a bad thing then." Jr. said to himself.

"Make way!" The burly man who had won all of Jr.'s clothes and junk strutted into the bridge like he owned the place…well because…technically he DID own the place. A purple cape was tied around his neck and flowed elegantly behind him. "Make way! I, your new ruler, am here!"

chaos, perched high above in one of the rafters of the ceiling of the bridge, stared down at the man with little black beady eyes.

"I have the answers to all our problems!" The man proclaimed. "I can rid us of the Gnosis!" Then the man paused as he looked around. There was not a living soul inside that room. In fact there was a lot of…blood…and guts…and dead bodies. "Ew…ish." Then he looked up.

chaos hissed as he jumped from the rafters and fell upon his prey like a spider. "DOOM!" He snarled.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" The man screamed as chaos landed on top of him, pushing him to the ground.

"NINJA EVIL TOUCH!" chaos rose a hand into the air and…randomly…his nails began to grow longer…like…really long…like daggers…

AND HE PLUNGED THEM INTO THE HEART OF THE MAN!

"FIEL MAH WRATH!" chaos cackled (And yes. He can spell all of that wrong because chaos has genes. And talent. And platinum hair). Green ooze poured from the chest of the man as he coughed and sputtered and random black insects crawled from the man's mouth and onto his face…and they were cannibal bugs so they ate the skin from the man's face.

And the skin melted from the man's bones…and the bones melted too…and the bugs continued to devour him…and chaos withdrew his hand from within the man's chest…his fingers and long nails closing in around the man's still beating heart until he split the man's heart in half with just his nails…and he bit into the heart…dark blood spilling around his mouth and onto the floor…

And now this scene is just too grotesque for even me. So we'll stop here.

"No! No! You fool! That's not how it's supposed to go!" Virgil screamed as he tossed one of the most important parts to the computer on the floor. "Blast! You're such a moron Albedo!"

"What did you call me you filthy little worm!?" Albedo jumped to his feet and pushed his face into Virgil's.

"Ah, so you're deaf too?" Virgil asked.

"Dark forces…I summon you to me…banish these weaklings and inferior ones from my presence…"

"Wait…That was like what we heard before…except it had more words this time…" Albedo blinked.

"Guess the author of this story forgot the REAL phrase last chapter." Virgil smirked.

Suddenly, lightning struck the computer the two had been working on and then set Albedo's whole laboratory on fire.

"…Monster Shrump." Albedo muttered as he looked up to the raging fire. "My lab."

"The computer!" Virgil whined. "Now we're screwed!"

"Did you hear that!?" Shion cried as she turned to the men. "Gnosis have appeared!"

"Yeah?" Tony asked, still playing cards with Hammer. "Allen owns the ship now. Let him take care of it."

"Yeah," Hammer agreed. "Good old Allen…who always seems to get the better stuff than us. I heard that he's been nominated 'sexiest man of the year'."

"What!?" Matthews exclaimed. "All from that stupid little concert he put on!?"

"Allen?" Tony blinked. "Sexy? Who was judging?"

"And his first album has already sold over a million copies." Hammer added.

"You're such a liar Hammer!" Tony yelled, flinging the cards in Hammer's face.

"MY EYE!" Hammer cried, falling backwards onto the floor.

Shion bit her lip. This was bad.

"King Allen," Clyde tapped Allen on the shoulder. "The stage has been set for you to sing for us King Allen."

"Ah! Splendid!" King Allen grinned, his feathery glasses over his eyes. "It's time for me to make an appearance in front of ALL my adoring fans!"

He stood up, and looked around.

"And after I win, I will be crowned 'sexiest rapper of the universe'! …And then King. Again. Because I'm already King now."

"Woot." Both Clyde and Brutus said with great amounts of enthusiasm.

"Shelley! Mary! What's the matter!?" Jr. ran into the bridge…in just his boxers. There in front of him he saw chaos, standing above the body of the burly man. Blood soaked the carpets, walls, glass, control panels, chairs, etc…

Smiling, chaos padded over to Jr., the blood still running from the edges of his mouth.

"Welcome…Jr." chaos smirked.

"Hey, that's the guy who stole all my stuff…" Jr. looked back up at chaos and a big smile cracked at his face. "THANK YOU CHAOS!" And he leapt into chaos's arms. "Now the ship is mine again!"

"What!?" chaos's eyes widened. "What is this!? This…HAPPINESS!? My body is weakening!" He struggled to free himself from Jr.'s grasp. "YOU FOOL! Let me go!" chaos brought a leg up and kneed Jr. in the family jewels. Gasping for air, Jr. fell to the ground…clutching his uh…family jewels.

"Ow chaos…I think you broke them…"

"Now, foolish mortal," chaos grinned (as his evil theme song began to play in the background…maybe something like 'One-Winged Angel' or something) "Prepare to submit to my every whim…"

Great. Just…Great.

Oh man…What am I on? I can't believe I wrote this. I'm going to get flamed for sure. Yeah well whatever. I don't really care cause I've gotten this far with it. (lol) Very grotesque. And yes, the 'Vivi and Quina' wedding was from FF IX for those who have played it. Anyway, there's only one chapter left. R&R please.

Kat