Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction ❯ The Abridged Script Archive ❯ Final Fantasy IX (PSX) ( Chapter 7 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: jbullions 
The short mockery script for Final Fantasy 9.
Non Anime: Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Psychological / / Comedy | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 09.03.2002 | Updated On: 10.13.2002 | Pages: 5 | Words: 1.3K | Visits: 537 | Status: Completed
The short mockery script for Final Fantasy 9.
Non Anime: Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Psychological / / Comedy | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 09.03.2002 | Updated On: 10.13.2002 | Pages: 5 | Words: 1.3K | Visits: 537 | Status: Completed
FINAL FANTASY IX: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
By Jack Bullions
INT. PRIMA VISTA SHIP
A couple of CARTOON CHARACTERS create comic relief. They
wear FUNNY clothes, look FUNNY, and drink HEAL POTIONS.
This is FANTASY.
RANDOM CARTOON THIEF #1
We have new orders from Regent Tiresome
Cameo. We will go to Alexandria and
kidnap Princess Garnet, the most
bodacious babe on this side of Gaia,
while acting goofy and silly in front of
an audience.
RANDOM CARTOON THIEF #2
That is a completely moronic plan. Who
would take part of this?
ZIDANE TRIBAL
That would be me, the masculine flirt.
Because we are back to our fantasy
roots, I now have the power to act like
a complete jack-ass and I am carrying a
fantasy weapon... like, uh... this bow.
Zidane fills his HEAD with testosterone and it becomes
MASSIVE. Other CARTOONS will come to realize the wisdom of
this and BLOW-UP their own heads and hands, too, into wacky
proportions.
RANDOM CARTOON THIEF #2
Wow, you really are the epitome of
masculinity.
ZIDANE TRIBAL
Chicks dig the big head. Get it? Har-
Har.
(grabs something below)
Wait, that's not my...
RANDOM CARTOON THIEF #1
Let us proceed quickly to Alexandria
before we start losing our fantasy
element.
EXT. ALEXANDRIA ROOFTOPS
VIVI ORUNITIA
Pity me? I'm nine years old.
ZIDANE TRIBAL
(stares at the black region with
two yellow dots where his face
should be)
Sure! Why don't you come join us in
our coming fantasy adventure for no
explicable reason?
VIVI ORUNITIA
You bet!
INT. CONCERT
Zidane and Party run around, bumping into more BADLY DRAWN
CARTOONS while creating more comic relief and looking
ridiculous. They soon discover Princess Garnet with a big
fucking word CLICHÉD stamped on her forehead.
ZIDANE TRIBAL
Oh, baby. You make my balls throb.
PRINCESS GARNET
You deliver such witty pick-up lines.
I think I'll fall head over heels for
you. Wait, what the hell is that
sticking out of your ass?
ZIDANE TRIBAL
(looks down)
Ah, now I remember. Don't worry about
that. You see I have this real nasty
rectal inflammation and its hard for me
to squeeze out anything wider than this
finger.
(winks)
Hey, I bet you like fingering...
PRINCESS GARNET
Oh, get real. Now hurry up and help me
escape. I can't seem to remember my
past but you can bet your socks I'm
partially responsible for all of this
mindless mayhem.
VIVI ORUNITIA
Why is it that every main character from
our series has to have some amnesic
episode? Isn't it starting to wear
thin?
PRINCESS GARNET
No, you have to remember that we are
attempting to return to our fantasy
roots.
(pause)
I guess that's a good enough excuse as
any to recycle Final Fantasy 6 with a
slightly different plot, right?
ZIDANE TRIBAL
Hell no. This is ridiculous.
Princess Garnet changes her name to DAGGER, and shows a bit
of leg. Zidane is hit with GOOD-GUY INSTINCTS.
ZIDANE TRIBAL
Wait, we were sent to kidnap you so
that your heartless evil country won't
invade my country, but I now see
through this horribly contrived plan
that we would be no less different than
your heartless evil people. You may
join my party.
INT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE
BADLY DONE VILLAINS appear, plotting global conspiracies,
worshipping Satan, and acting evil.
CARTOON VILLAIN KUJA
I am the game villain.
(flings back hair)
Please admire my beautiful hair, and my
luscious thighs thanks to the Ass-Master
2000.
(flings back hair)
Now people, you are all under my evil
villain spell so help me destroy these
set of kingdoms. In the end, I will
finally have in my hands, TRUE POWER!
Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
QUEEN BRAHNE
What the hell kind of plot is that?
Who's advising me?
CARTOON VILLAIN THORN
Yoda hack I am. Squaresoft fucking
moronic eggheads they truly are.
STEINER rushes in.
ALDELBERT STEINER
My Queen! Princess Garnet has escaped!
CARTOON VILLAIN THORN
Save the Princess you must!
CHAOS ensues. Steiner acts goofy, and chases Zidane and
Party up and down the castle until they decide to head back
to the BIG SHIP.
ZIDANE TRIBAL
Hey, Steiner. Act stupid and goofy so
that Queen Brahne can shoot us out of
the sky.
ALDELBERT STEINER
(scratches head)
Duh?
The ship is hit with CGI effects and it crashes onto the
world map.
EXT. WORLD MAP
ZIDANE TRIBAL
Now that we are away from Queen Brahne
and her homosexual cohorts, let's
consult the Final Fantasy 6 cheatbook
and plot our course of action. This is
too easy.
The party LAUGH and GIGGLE. Suddenly, the screen goes STATIC
and the game FREEZES.
DEVELOPMENT TEAM
Sir, we have a problem! This Ice Cavern
we have cleverly designed to get in
their way is only 4 screens long! All
the graphic artists are passed out from
jacking off to scat porn all day. What
can we do to make the dungeon longer?
PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
INCREASE AMOUNT OF RANDOM ENCOUNTERS!!!
The game RESUMES and Zidane and Party are hit with a mind-
boggingly amount of monsters.
ZIDANE TRIBAL
We need more characters to help balance
out this flow of random battles.
Random CHARACTERS appear.
QUINA QUEN
Binks! Brings mee-sa food or you-ssa
be puunee-ished!
ZIDANE TRIBAL
Ha! You look goofy enough. Come join
us!
VIVI ORUNITIA
Well great. If another goofy cartoon
character just so happens to pass by,
we won't have room for him. What are
we to do?
ADELBERT STEINER
I've had enough of your hoodlum
schinanigens, Zidane! I must save the
Princess!
(runs off to another screen)
ZIDANE TRIBAL
(confused)
What the hell, she's right here stupid.
PRINCESS GARNET-DAGGER
Hey look, someone's coming!
AMARANT CORAL
Hello. I'm a wandering adventurer. I
don't know what you guys have to do
with my quest, but I'll sure as hell
join you anyway.
ZIDANE TRIBAL
Sure, the more the plenty!
This scene repeats until all characters have been accounted
for.
INT. TOWN OF CLEYRA
ZIDANE TRIBAL
We really should have more homosexual
elements to REALLY return to our fantasy
roots. What do you think?
PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
DANCE SCENE!!!!
FREYA CRESCENT
Greetings party of funny-looking
cartoons. We need your help in
defending this little town, but first,
how about a retarded dance scene?
All CHARACTERS and assorted CARTOONS and RATS rush in for a
RIVERDANCE scene, which is supposedly MAGICAL.
VIDEO GAME PLAYER
What the hell?
PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!! I AM A GENIUS!!!!
CLEYRA CITIZENS
Enough of these distractions! Please
save us from a possible invasion!
ZIDANE
Of course, but only if your female rats
don't reject my horribly contrived
sexual advances.
(winks)
Zidane FAILS. He moves his SMALL FIGURE across the world map
to the next area. This whole scenario repeats itself in
different locations until all areas have been defeated.
INT. END BOSS STAGE TREE THINGY PLACE
ZIDANE preps for climactic big-boss fight.
CARTOON VILLAIN KUJA
I am truly the embodiment of evil.
(flings hair back)
How can you pitiful wacky-looking
cartoons hope to defeat my ambiguously
gay prowess?
ZIDANE TRIBAL
Perhaps some improvised Western martial
arts will solve our dilemma. Let us
enter into a trance state.
ZIDANE and PARTY line up and begin channeling their CHI on
KUJA, who eventually realizes his TRANCE skills are pitiful
and creates an entirely other VILLAIN from out of the blue to
add CHALLENGE. This FAILS.
GAME VILLAINS
(dies)
ZIDANE TRIBAL
What have we learned from all of this?
Nothing. Why the hell was this game
made? It totally sucked.
PRINCESS GARNET-DAGGER
No kidding. Well at least this wasn't a
teen-driven melodramatic disaster like
that last one.
PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
Teens???!!! This gives me another idea
for a Final Fantasy game! Get set for
part ten, gamers!!
GAME OVER.
By Jack Bullions
INT. PRIMA VISTA SHIP
A couple of CARTOON CHARACTERS create comic relief. They
wear FUNNY clothes, look FUNNY, and drink HEAL POTIONS.
This is FANTASY.
RANDOM CARTOON THIEF #1
We have new orders from Regent Tiresome
Cameo. We will go to Alexandria and
kidnap Princess Garnet, the most
bodacious babe on this side of Gaia,
while acting goofy and silly in front of
an audience.
RANDOM CARTOON THIEF #2
That is a completely moronic plan. Who
would take part of this?
ZIDANE TRIBAL
That would be me, the masculine flirt.
Because we are back to our fantasy
roots, I now have the power to act like
a complete jack-ass and I am carrying a
fantasy weapon... like, uh... this bow.
Zidane fills his HEAD with testosterone and it becomes
MASSIVE. Other CARTOONS will come to realize the wisdom of
this and BLOW-UP their own heads and hands, too, into wacky
proportions.
RANDOM CARTOON THIEF #2
Wow, you really are the epitome of
masculinity.
ZIDANE TRIBAL
Chicks dig the big head. Get it? Har-
Har.
(grabs something below)
Wait, that's not my...
RANDOM CARTOON THIEF #1
Let us proceed quickly to Alexandria
before we start losing our fantasy
element.
EXT. ALEXANDRIA ROOFTOPS
VIVI ORUNITIA
Pity me? I'm nine years old.
ZIDANE TRIBAL
(stares at the black region with
two yellow dots where his face
should be)
Sure! Why don't you come join us in
our coming fantasy adventure for no
explicable reason?
VIVI ORUNITIA
You bet!
INT. CONCERT
Zidane and Party run around, bumping into more BADLY DRAWN
CARTOONS while creating more comic relief and looking
ridiculous. They soon discover Princess Garnet with a big
fucking word CLICHÉD stamped on her forehead.
ZIDANE TRIBAL
Oh, baby. You make my balls throb.
PRINCESS GARNET
You deliver such witty pick-up lines.
I think I'll fall head over heels for
you. Wait, what the hell is that
sticking out of your ass?
ZIDANE TRIBAL
(looks down)
Ah, now I remember. Don't worry about
that. You see I have this real nasty
rectal inflammation and its hard for me
to squeeze out anything wider than this
finger.
(winks)
Hey, I bet you like fingering...
PRINCESS GARNET
Oh, get real. Now hurry up and help me
escape. I can't seem to remember my
past but you can bet your socks I'm
partially responsible for all of this
mindless mayhem.
VIVI ORUNITIA
Why is it that every main character from
our series has to have some amnesic
episode? Isn't it starting to wear
thin?
PRINCESS GARNET
No, you have to remember that we are
attempting to return to our fantasy
roots.
(pause)
I guess that's a good enough excuse as
any to recycle Final Fantasy 6 with a
slightly different plot, right?
ZIDANE TRIBAL
Hell no. This is ridiculous.
Princess Garnet changes her name to DAGGER, and shows a bit
of leg. Zidane is hit with GOOD-GUY INSTINCTS.
ZIDANE TRIBAL
Wait, we were sent to kidnap you so
that your heartless evil country won't
invade my country, but I now see
through this horribly contrived plan
that we would be no less different than
your heartless evil people. You may
join my party.
INT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE
BADLY DONE VILLAINS appear, plotting global conspiracies,
worshipping Satan, and acting evil.
CARTOON VILLAIN KUJA
I am the game villain.
(flings back hair)
Please admire my beautiful hair, and my
luscious thighs thanks to the Ass-Master
2000.
(flings back hair)
Now people, you are all under my evil
villain spell so help me destroy these
set of kingdoms. In the end, I will
finally have in my hands, TRUE POWER!
Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
QUEEN BRAHNE
What the hell kind of plot is that?
Who's advising me?
CARTOON VILLAIN THORN
Yoda hack I am. Squaresoft fucking
moronic eggheads they truly are.
STEINER rushes in.
ALDELBERT STEINER
My Queen! Princess Garnet has escaped!
CARTOON VILLAIN THORN
Save the Princess you must!
CHAOS ensues. Steiner acts goofy, and chases Zidane and
Party up and down the castle until they decide to head back
to the BIG SHIP.
ZIDANE TRIBAL
Hey, Steiner. Act stupid and goofy so
that Queen Brahne can shoot us out of
the sky.
ALDELBERT STEINER
(scratches head)
Duh?
The ship is hit with CGI effects and it crashes onto the
world map.
EXT. WORLD MAP
ZIDANE TRIBAL
Now that we are away from Queen Brahne
and her homosexual cohorts, let's
consult the Final Fantasy 6 cheatbook
and plot our course of action. This is
too easy.
The party LAUGH and GIGGLE. Suddenly, the screen goes STATIC
and the game FREEZES.
DEVELOPMENT TEAM
Sir, we have a problem! This Ice Cavern
we have cleverly designed to get in
their way is only 4 screens long! All
the graphic artists are passed out from
jacking off to scat porn all day. What
can we do to make the dungeon longer?
PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
INCREASE AMOUNT OF RANDOM ENCOUNTERS!!!
The game RESUMES and Zidane and Party are hit with a mind-
boggingly amount of monsters.
ZIDANE TRIBAL
We need more characters to help balance
out this flow of random battles.
Random CHARACTERS appear.
QUINA QUEN
Binks! Brings mee-sa food or you-ssa
be puunee-ished!
ZIDANE TRIBAL
Ha! You look goofy enough. Come join
us!
VIVI ORUNITIA
Well great. If another goofy cartoon
character just so happens to pass by,
we won't have room for him. What are
we to do?
ADELBERT STEINER
I've had enough of your hoodlum
schinanigens, Zidane! I must save the
Princess!
(runs off to another screen)
ZIDANE TRIBAL
(confused)
What the hell, she's right here stupid.
PRINCESS GARNET-DAGGER
Hey look, someone's coming!
AMARANT CORAL
Hello. I'm a wandering adventurer. I
don't know what you guys have to do
with my quest, but I'll sure as hell
join you anyway.
ZIDANE TRIBAL
Sure, the more the plenty!
This scene repeats until all characters have been accounted
for.
INT. TOWN OF CLEYRA
ZIDANE TRIBAL
We really should have more homosexual
elements to REALLY return to our fantasy
roots. What do you think?
PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
DANCE SCENE!!!!
FREYA CRESCENT
Greetings party of funny-looking
cartoons. We need your help in
defending this little town, but first,
how about a retarded dance scene?
All CHARACTERS and assorted CARTOONS and RATS rush in for a
RIVERDANCE scene, which is supposedly MAGICAL.
VIDEO GAME PLAYER
What the hell?
PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!! I AM A GENIUS!!!!
CLEYRA CITIZENS
Enough of these distractions! Please
save us from a possible invasion!
ZIDANE
Of course, but only if your female rats
don't reject my horribly contrived
sexual advances.
(winks)
Zidane FAILS. He moves his SMALL FIGURE across the world map
to the next area. This whole scenario repeats itself in
different locations until all areas have been defeated.
INT. END BOSS STAGE TREE THINGY PLACE
ZIDANE preps for climactic big-boss fight.
CARTOON VILLAIN KUJA
I am truly the embodiment of evil.
(flings hair back)
How can you pitiful wacky-looking
cartoons hope to defeat my ambiguously
gay prowess?
ZIDANE TRIBAL
Perhaps some improvised Western martial
arts will solve our dilemma. Let us
enter into a trance state.
ZIDANE and PARTY line up and begin channeling their CHI on
KUJA, who eventually realizes his TRANCE skills are pitiful
and creates an entirely other VILLAIN from out of the blue to
add CHALLENGE. This FAILS.
GAME VILLAINS
(dies)
ZIDANE TRIBAL
What have we learned from all of this?
Nothing. Why the hell was this game
made? It totally sucked.
PRINCESS GARNET-DAGGER
No kidding. Well at least this wasn't a
teen-driven melodramatic disaster like
that last one.
PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
Teens???!!! This gives me another idea
for a Final Fantasy game! Get set for
part ten, gamers!!
GAME OVER.