Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction ❯ The Abridged Script Archive ❯ Final Fantasy VIII ( Chapter 6 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: jbullions 
The short mockery script for Final Fantasy 8
Non Anime: Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Psychological / / Comedy | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 10.13.2002 | Updated On: 10.13.2002 | Pages: 4 | Words: 1.1K | Visits: 663 | Status: Completed
The short mockery script for Final Fantasy 8
Non Anime: Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Psychological / / Comedy | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 10.13.2002 | Updated On: 10.13.2002 | Pages: 4 | Words: 1.1K | Visits: 663 | Status: Completed
FINAL FANTASY VIII: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
by Jack Bullions
EXT. HUGE-ASS WORLD
SEIFER ALMASY and SQUALL LEONHART meet in a field for some
MALE BONDING.
SEIFER ALMASY
Let's duel, you emotionally bankrupt
bitch, because I am this one-
dimensional asshole.
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and then melodramatic)
You have no hope against my superior
Shinra Soldier training. I defeated
Sephiroth.
SEIFER ALMASY
No you didn't.
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and then melodramatic)
I DID, TOO! I am Cloud Strife,
mercenary for hire!
Squall walks up to Seifer and hits R1 several times for
RENZOKUKEN-HADOU KEN or some shit.
SEIFER ALMASY
Impressive. I will counter with
superior magic.
(puts blade on shoulder and points)
It appears I can not read. How am I
supposed to learn magic now?
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and then melodramatic)
Hmm... good question. Because I lack
emotion, and am self-centered, I too can
not fully comprehend the art of reading
or writing... therefore, let us junction
magic to our bodies.
SEIFER ALMASY
How the hell do you do that?
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and the melodramatic)
Beats me. We can only assume we could,
just like we can assume this game makes
any sense.
Squall passes a NEEDLE and they junction magic, we assume.
They junction back and forth while developing matching SCARS
in the process.
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and the melodramatic)
Well, shit, this duel isn't going
anywhere. If our skills are equal, then
perhaps the absurdity of our characters
will determine the victor...
SEIFER ALMASY
Your name is obscene.
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and then melodramatic)
I agree.
(passes out)
SEIFER ALMASY
Just to show you what a bigger asshole
I really am, I will now draw on your
unconscious face while you lie there,
and then drive back to school.
(pause)
Drive? What the fuck happened to our
fantasy game?
Seifer flips through a couple of DOZEN MENUS to find his
KEY. This is RIDICULOUS.
INT. BALAMB GARDEN
Squall wakes up emotionlessly and then melodramatically and he now
meets his merry band of one-dimensional FRIENDS.
QUISTIS TRIPE
Hi. I am a stern but passionate
teacher and for camp reasons I'm
also a teenager. Doesn't that make
me sexy? Sure does.
Other VARIOUS MISCELLANEOUS TEENS appear for no explicable
reason other than to satisfy the perverse infatuation of
Hironobu Sakaguchi and his LIMIT BREAKS.
RINOA HEARTILLY
(looks at her limit breaks)
I shoot my pet, this big-ass mutt,
off my wrist. What the hell?
ZELL DINCHT
Hey I've seen that before! Wasn't
that used by this utterly useless
ninja in the last game. What's her
face?
Zell CACKLES at the thought.
SELPHIE TILMITT
At least she kept her sex. What
happened to your monster breasts?
Zell realizes he is a RECYCLED CHARACTER himself.
ZELL DINCHT
Oh yeah? Well, spell pig backwards
and say funny!
SELPHIE TILMITT
G-I... hey! I won't fall for that!
VIDEO GAME PLAYER
Wow. My party is composed of bickering
teenagers.
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and then melodramatic)
Teens? That's great how every one of
you aren't even old enough to
drive. I guess that counts us out
from really melodramatic, and
momentous operations.
Suddenly he meets INSULTING PLOT.
INSULTING PLOT
We have a melodramatic, and
momentous operation involving the
assassination on a high-ranking
official, so our best bet is to put
the fate of the world in the
unsteady and inexperienced hands of
a bunch of greenhorns like
yourselves.
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and then melodramatic)
Makes a lot of sense. Hey, Rinoa,
being you are the only female lead
PC with some form of personality, I
guess we have some romance then?
INSULTING PLOT
Nope. Sorry. You two need to
extend this game into 4 CDs. That
way this whole contrive romance can
spawn a whole bunch of nonsense
subplots for you to do.
RINOA HEARTILLY
Okay, I don't love you yet, Squall.
INT. SOME TIME PORTAL CASTLE PLACE
SORCERESS EDEA plots CONSPIRACY with the asshole, Seifer.
SORCERESS EDEA
I seem to phase in and out of
different minds in order to cover
up the nonsense spawned by this
plot. Since I am currently in an
evil body, I will now take over the
minds of previous sorceresses to
compress time.
SEIFER ALMASY
....
SORCERESS EDEA
Don't look at me like that. I
didn't write this shit.
SEIFER ALMASY
How the hell do you compress time?
SORCERESS ADEL
Sorry, can't answer you now. I am
now Sorceress Adel.
EXT. HUGE-ASS WORLD
Squall and friends experience MANY CGI BATTLES AND FMVs.
Sorceress Edea/Adel realizes she isn't getting enough
attention. She SCREAMS. Squall and friends finally
realize there is a point to their whole debacle.
RINOA HEARTILLY
Her scant appearances and threats
to take-over the world are very
threatening. How do we stop her?
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and then melodramatic)
Good question. We can't steal
enough magic to junction into our
bodies. We need...
(drum roll)
... Guardian Force!
Squall and friends BATTLE many GUARDIAN FORCES to prove
their worth to them even though they have a conscience and
realize the fate of the world and their existence lies in a
balance if they don't help. ????
IMPROVED ESPER
Well. Guess I'm a Guardian Force
now. Just don't junction me in an
ass or something.
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and then melodramatic)
Now we are ready.
The PARTY assembles on a GIANT FLYING COMPUTER GRAPHIC, but
first, they play a senseless CARD GAME.
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and then melodramatic)
Hey, speaking of senseless, some of you
unrealistic and horribly contrived
teens are starting to look familiar.
Where have we met?
INSULTING PLOT proceeds to throw in a PLOT TWIST. Gamers
confuse this with CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT.
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and then melodramatic)
What the fuck? We grew up together in
some geographically isolated, Dickens-
esque orphanage and we somehow forgot
everything about it? How do you
explain that?
WRITER KAZUSHIGE NOJIMA
You can't. I just made that shit up
after realizing these teenagers have
absolutely no relevance to the game.
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and then melodramatic)
I see.
INT. SOME TIME PORTAL CASTLE PLACE
Squall and friends KILL Seifer and prepare to meet
Sorceress Edea. They junction many magic to their bodies.
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and then melodramatic)
Feel my Guardian Force!
He begins SUMMONING, and starts pushing his X-Button
RAPIDLY. One hour later...
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and then melodramatic)
Almost there...
Two hours later...
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and then melodramatic)
Almost...
Well fuck, three hours gone by and after hitting the X-
Button a zillion times the Guardian Force becomes SUPER
GUARDIAN FORCE. Sorceress Edea DIES.
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and then melodramatic)
Well, that was fun. I love you
Rinoa.
RINOA HEARTILLY
I love you, too, I guess.
SQUALL and RINOA dance majestically while someone busts out
a CAMCORDER and records VARIOUS MISCELLANEOUS TEENS
invading Japan and burning down Squaresoft. Both Director
Kitase and Producer Sakaguchi DIE emotionlessly and then
melodramatically.
GAME OVER.
by Jack Bullions
EXT. HUGE-ASS WORLD
SEIFER ALMASY and SQUALL LEONHART meet in a field for some
MALE BONDING.
SEIFER ALMASY
Let's duel, you emotionally bankrupt
bitch, because I am this one-
dimensional asshole.
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and then melodramatic)
You have no hope against my superior
Shinra Soldier training. I defeated
Sephiroth.
SEIFER ALMASY
No you didn't.
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and then melodramatic)
I DID, TOO! I am Cloud Strife,
mercenary for hire!
Squall walks up to Seifer and hits R1 several times for
RENZOKUKEN-HADOU KEN or some shit.
SEIFER ALMASY
Impressive. I will counter with
superior magic.
(puts blade on shoulder and points)
It appears I can not read. How am I
supposed to learn magic now?
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and then melodramatic)
Hmm... good question. Because I lack
emotion, and am self-centered, I too can
not fully comprehend the art of reading
or writing... therefore, let us junction
magic to our bodies.
SEIFER ALMASY
How the hell do you do that?
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and the melodramatic)
Beats me. We can only assume we could,
just like we can assume this game makes
any sense.
Squall passes a NEEDLE and they junction magic, we assume.
They junction back and forth while developing matching SCARS
in the process.
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and the melodramatic)
Well, shit, this duel isn't going
anywhere. If our skills are equal, then
perhaps the absurdity of our characters
will determine the victor...
SEIFER ALMASY
Your name is obscene.
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and then melodramatic)
I agree.
(passes out)
SEIFER ALMASY
Just to show you what a bigger asshole
I really am, I will now draw on your
unconscious face while you lie there,
and then drive back to school.
(pause)
Drive? What the fuck happened to our
fantasy game?
Seifer flips through a couple of DOZEN MENUS to find his
KEY. This is RIDICULOUS.
INT. BALAMB GARDEN
Squall wakes up emotionlessly and then melodramatically and he now
meets his merry band of one-dimensional FRIENDS.
QUISTIS TRIPE
Hi. I am a stern but passionate
teacher and for camp reasons I'm
also a teenager. Doesn't that make
me sexy? Sure does.
Other VARIOUS MISCELLANEOUS TEENS appear for no explicable
reason other than to satisfy the perverse infatuation of
Hironobu Sakaguchi and his LIMIT BREAKS.
RINOA HEARTILLY
(looks at her limit breaks)
I shoot my pet, this big-ass mutt,
off my wrist. What the hell?
ZELL DINCHT
Hey I've seen that before! Wasn't
that used by this utterly useless
ninja in the last game. What's her
face?
Zell CACKLES at the thought.
SELPHIE TILMITT
At least she kept her sex. What
happened to your monster breasts?
Zell realizes he is a RECYCLED CHARACTER himself.
ZELL DINCHT
Oh yeah? Well, spell pig backwards
and say funny!
SELPHIE TILMITT
G-I... hey! I won't fall for that!
VIDEO GAME PLAYER
Wow. My party is composed of bickering
teenagers.
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and then melodramatic)
Teens? That's great how every one of
you aren't even old enough to
drive. I guess that counts us out
from really melodramatic, and
momentous operations.
Suddenly he meets INSULTING PLOT.
INSULTING PLOT
We have a melodramatic, and
momentous operation involving the
assassination on a high-ranking
official, so our best bet is to put
the fate of the world in the
unsteady and inexperienced hands of
a bunch of greenhorns like
yourselves.
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and then melodramatic)
Makes a lot of sense. Hey, Rinoa,
being you are the only female lead
PC with some form of personality, I
guess we have some romance then?
INSULTING PLOT
Nope. Sorry. You two need to
extend this game into 4 CDs. That
way this whole contrive romance can
spawn a whole bunch of nonsense
subplots for you to do.
RINOA HEARTILLY
Okay, I don't love you yet, Squall.
INT. SOME TIME PORTAL CASTLE PLACE
SORCERESS EDEA plots CONSPIRACY with the asshole, Seifer.
SORCERESS EDEA
I seem to phase in and out of
different minds in order to cover
up the nonsense spawned by this
plot. Since I am currently in an
evil body, I will now take over the
minds of previous sorceresses to
compress time.
SEIFER ALMASY
....
SORCERESS EDEA
Don't look at me like that. I
didn't write this shit.
SEIFER ALMASY
How the hell do you compress time?
SORCERESS ADEL
Sorry, can't answer you now. I am
now Sorceress Adel.
EXT. HUGE-ASS WORLD
Squall and friends experience MANY CGI BATTLES AND FMVs.
Sorceress Edea/Adel realizes she isn't getting enough
attention. She SCREAMS. Squall and friends finally
realize there is a point to their whole debacle.
RINOA HEARTILLY
Her scant appearances and threats
to take-over the world are very
threatening. How do we stop her?
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and then melodramatic)
Good question. We can't steal
enough magic to junction into our
bodies. We need...
(drum roll)
... Guardian Force!
Squall and friends BATTLE many GUARDIAN FORCES to prove
their worth to them even though they have a conscience and
realize the fate of the world and their existence lies in a
balance if they don't help. ????
IMPROVED ESPER
Well. Guess I'm a Guardian Force
now. Just don't junction me in an
ass or something.
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and then melodramatic)
Now we are ready.
The PARTY assembles on a GIANT FLYING COMPUTER GRAPHIC, but
first, they play a senseless CARD GAME.
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and then melodramatic)
Hey, speaking of senseless, some of you
unrealistic and horribly contrived
teens are starting to look familiar.
Where have we met?
INSULTING PLOT proceeds to throw in a PLOT TWIST. Gamers
confuse this with CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT.
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and then melodramatic)
What the fuck? We grew up together in
some geographically isolated, Dickens-
esque orphanage and we somehow forgot
everything about it? How do you
explain that?
WRITER KAZUSHIGE NOJIMA
You can't. I just made that shit up
after realizing these teenagers have
absolutely no relevance to the game.
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and then melodramatic)
I see.
INT. SOME TIME PORTAL CASTLE PLACE
Squall and friends KILL Seifer and prepare to meet
Sorceress Edea. They junction many magic to their bodies.
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and then melodramatic)
Feel my Guardian Force!
He begins SUMMONING, and starts pushing his X-Button
RAPIDLY. One hour later...
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and then melodramatic)
Almost there...
Two hours later...
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and then melodramatic)
Almost...
Well fuck, three hours gone by and after hitting the X-
Button a zillion times the Guardian Force becomes SUPER
GUARDIAN FORCE. Sorceress Edea DIES.
SQUALL LEONHART
(emotionless and then melodramatic)
Well, that was fun. I love you
Rinoa.
RINOA HEARTILLY
I love you, too, I guess.
SQUALL and RINOA dance majestically while someone busts out
a CAMCORDER and records VARIOUS MISCELLANEOUS TEENS
invading Japan and burning down Squaresoft. Both Director
Kitase and Producer Sakaguchi DIE emotionlessly and then
melodramatically.
GAME OVER.