Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction ❯ The Abridged Script Archive ❯ Final Fantasy VII (PSX) ( Chapter 5 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: jbullions 
The short mockery script for Final Fantasy 7.
Non Anime: Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Psychological / / Comedy | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 07.11.2002 | Updated On: 09.03.2002 | Pages: 5 | Words: 1.3K | Visits: 928 | Status: Completed
The short mockery script for Final Fantasy 7.
Non Anime: Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Psychological / / Comedy | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 07.11.2002 | Updated On: 09.03.2002 | Pages: 5 | Words: 1.3K | Visits: 928 | Status: Completed
FINAL FANTASY VII: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
by Jack Bullions
INT. SQUARE STUDIO - JAPAN
PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI and DIRECTOR YOSHINORI KITASE
are collaborating on their first ever Playstation Final
Fantasy Game, "THE SEVEN WEEK LONG PLOT", and begin
talking.
PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
Quite clearly this new Sony
Playstation will triple our
profits. Forget Nintendo. Let's
kick their collective balls by
making NOTHING for them, and then
jump ship. Har-Har.
DIRECTOR YOSHINORI KITASE
I'm with you, Hiro my man. Our
loyal fanbase from Japan will buy
whatever we put out, and the
stupid, lazy Americans will buy
whatever that explodes.
PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
I see that. So what should we
make? I'm out of ideas.
DIRECTOR YOSHINORI KITASE
Hmmm.
(turns to his 100 development
teams)
Each of you must come up with a
plot and we'll link them together
with some ridiculous quasi-
religious theme.
PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
Ingenious! We could even stretch
this monstrosity to 3 CDs!
DIRECTOR YOSHINORI KITASE
What? THREE CD SET! The customers
will have to fork over even more
money! Unprecedented!
They LAUGH and CACKLE together.
INT. CGI TRAIN
TOKEN BLACK GUY
(bunch of poorly constructed
ebonics no one understands)
CHARACTER WEDGE
I see. The complexity of these
many subplots demands a hero with
some coherent english and an
obscene name to signify
personality. Where is our
mercenary that reluctantly joined
our cause? We must stop this
generator.
Character Wedge introduces PLOT.
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
(reluctant and brooding)
Here I am. This corrupt
Corporation is draining our
planet's vital lifesource but... I
really don't care.
PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
Greedy corporation? Who the fuck
wrote that in?
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
That would be corrupt, not greedy.
By the way, I want my money.
TOKEN BLACK GUY
Shut up, foo, 'fore I bust a cap up
yo cyberpunk-ass!
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
(reluctant and brooding)
I guess that means you and I won't
be getting along.
Cloud and Party create MORE PLOT.
DIRECTOR YOSHINORI KITASE
You like that!!?? We understand
blacks, just like you Americans.
Power to the people!
VIDEO GAME PLAYER
Whatever.
EXT. MIDGAR
Token Black Guy spouts more utter NONSENSE. They blow up
the Mako Generator, and run away into the city. Cloud
meets AERIS GAINSBOROUGH.
AERIS GAINSBOROUGH
(looking innocent)
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
Hmm... it appears you are the only
character that deserves my
sympathy. You will most likely die
then.
Aeris stares innocently as Cloud heads for the slums.
Aeris creates MORE PLOT.
INT. SEVENTH HEAVEN - SLUMS
TIFA is waiting in the bar.
TIFA LOCKHART'S BREASTS
Hi. Needless to say this plot will
keep you locked in your room for
weeks to come. Stare at my
obscenely large breasts and round
hips to take your mind off it.
VIDEO GAME PLAYER
Yes, they are very big, but I think
I would rather bang the innocent,
tight virginal, wide-eyed doe that
is Aerith.
TIFA LOCKHART'S BREASTS
Who?
VIDEO GAME PLAYER
Aeris in English. Speaking of,
maybe you should get off your Anti-
American rocker and hire someone
who can speak English to translate
this shit.
TIFA LOCKHART'S BREASTS
Cloud, do you love Aeris more than
my breasts?
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
(reluctant and brooding)
I can't make up my mind at the
moment. We have a world to save
right?
Tifa pouts. She creates another PLOT.
TOKEN BLACK GUY
I still don't like you, bitch-ass.
INT. EVIL CORPORATION
President SHINRA, RUFUS-SON, SEPHIROTH, a bunch of Yakuza
called TURKS, General HEIDEGGER, SCARLET, HOJO, PALMER,
REEVE, and fuck even CHOCOBOS and MOOGLES show up to detail
out conspiracy to draw more Mako energy from the planet.
EVERYBODY EVIL
We need to do everything that is
possibly evil to make more money
regardless of how it affects our
planet. Let us push old ladies
onto incoming buses.
SEPHIROTH
Doing so will cause dire
consequences. Change your ways.
EVERYBODY EVIL
Money is all that matters.
PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
Who the fuck wrote that in?
CAMERA pushes CLOSER to Sephiroth in one of many
ridiculous, self-mockery poses.
EVERYBODY EVIL
What are you doing?
SEPHIROTH
I'm introducing another subplot.
The steroids or whatever bullshit
you decided to jack me up with as a
child shrunk my nutsack. You know
what that means.
Sephiroth KILLS just about everybody with less than a line
of dialogue.
SEPHIROTH
Now I will summon a giant meteor to
hit the planet, and absorb all the
Mako energy to regrow my balls and
become a God. Muhahahaha.
Sephiroth creates MORE PLOT.
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
(reluctant and brooding)
Jesus Christ, how much more plot
could there be?
DIRECTOR YOSHINORI KITASE spins the WHEEL-O-PLOTS and it
lands on VINCENT VALENTINE.
VINCENT VALENTINE
Expendable NPC here. I slept with
Sephiroth's mother but that is a
whole other useless plot with no
relevance to the game.
The wheel SPINS again and lands on RED XIII.
RED XIII
Amazing, Vincent. We could just
wipe you out of the game and it
wouldn't even affect the plot.
The wheel SPINS again and lands on CID HIGHWIND.
CID HIGHWIND
I am white, therefore, I am a lazy,
smoking, bomb-toting, sewer mouth
you fuck penis shit cunt testicle.
TOKEN BLACK GUY
Can't get any worse than me, son.
The wheel SPINS again and lands on YUFFIE and CAIT SITH.
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
Fuck no. Get lost the two of you.
The wheel SPINS again and lands on AERIS GAINSBOROUGH and
TIFA.
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
Oh, yeah. The romance.
TIFA LOCKHART'S BREASTS
So? Let's stop saving the world
for one damn moment and pick who
you want to get laid with.
AERIS GAINSBOROUGH
(looking innocent)
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
I'd rather talk about my problems.
TIFA LOCKHART'S BREASTS
Nooooooooo!!!
She SPINS the wheel and suddenly Video Game Player is
thrust with hundreds of random SUBPLOTS like Cetra,
meteorites, Chocobo Races, Knights of the Round Table,
traitors, Ancients, Genetic Experiments, and MORE EVIL
SHINRA PLOTS.
VIDEO GAME PLAYER
Enough of this shit! Let's kick
some ass.
SEPHIROTH
Indeed you shall. Now come chase
me while I burn and destroy
everything I see for some great FMV
sequences.
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
(reluctant and brooding)
Pretty nice, but I'm having an
identity crisis here and no time to
really kill you.
SEPHIROTH
....
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
(reluctant and brooding)
Here is some more plot. I failed
to be this great super Soldier even
though I can kick some serious ass
with my Limit Breaks and there are
only two of you in this program.
SEPHIROTH
What? The entire climax of this
horrific game is focused around one
insignificant failure from your
past?
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
(reluctant and brooding)
Makes about as much sense as having
us do all of these meaningless
subplots to advance the game.
SEPHIROTH
Okay, but you still need to chase
me around because I am going to
destroy the world.
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
(reluctant and brooding)
I'm still depressed. You'll have
to do better than that.
Sephiroth pulls Aeris innocently from the group and KILLS
her in a drawn out tear-jerking innocent moment.
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
(to Sephiroth)
Well, thanks a lot. You just gave
them the opportunity to create one
absurdly contrived ending.
TOKEN BLACK GUY
Foo! You be goin', sucka!
Cloud and Party CHASE Sephiroth around for CD TWO and
THREE.
INT. GIANT PIT
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
After going through many plots I
have finally found you.
SEPHIROTH
Well done. Prepare to meet your
doom.
Sephiroth ABSORBS much energy and many lifestreams. He
becomes SUPER ANGELIC SEPHIROTH.
Cloud takes the whole Final Fantasy PLOT and squashes
Sephiroth. Sephiroth DIES. Cloud and Party WINS!
TOKEN BLACK GUY
Yo, man...
JACK BULLIONS
This is an actual line from the
game.
TOKEN BLACK GUY
I been here since the beginnin',
an' I still don't know what the
hell's goin' on.
VIDEO GAME PLAYER
Damn, straight. What about the
meteor plot?
PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
Big dramatic finish!
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
Oh no you don't. Everyone, into
the ship!!!
Cloud and PARTY pilots the BIG SHIP into the meteor. Cloud
and the MANY PLOTS all BLOW UP.
GAME OVER.
by Jack Bullions
INT. SQUARE STUDIO - JAPAN
PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI and DIRECTOR YOSHINORI KITASE
are collaborating on their first ever Playstation Final
Fantasy Game, "THE SEVEN WEEK LONG PLOT", and begin
talking.
PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
Quite clearly this new Sony
Playstation will triple our
profits. Forget Nintendo. Let's
kick their collective balls by
making NOTHING for them, and then
jump ship. Har-Har.
DIRECTOR YOSHINORI KITASE
I'm with you, Hiro my man. Our
loyal fanbase from Japan will buy
whatever we put out, and the
stupid, lazy Americans will buy
whatever that explodes.
PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
I see that. So what should we
make? I'm out of ideas.
DIRECTOR YOSHINORI KITASE
Hmmm.
(turns to his 100 development
teams)
Each of you must come up with a
plot and we'll link them together
with some ridiculous quasi-
religious theme.
PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
Ingenious! We could even stretch
this monstrosity to 3 CDs!
DIRECTOR YOSHINORI KITASE
What? THREE CD SET! The customers
will have to fork over even more
money! Unprecedented!
They LAUGH and CACKLE together.
INT. CGI TRAIN
TOKEN BLACK GUY
(bunch of poorly constructed
ebonics no one understands)
CHARACTER WEDGE
I see. The complexity of these
many subplots demands a hero with
some coherent english and an
obscene name to signify
personality. Where is our
mercenary that reluctantly joined
our cause? We must stop this
generator.
Character Wedge introduces PLOT.
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
(reluctant and brooding)
Here I am. This corrupt
Corporation is draining our
planet's vital lifesource but... I
really don't care.
PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
Greedy corporation? Who the fuck
wrote that in?
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
That would be corrupt, not greedy.
By the way, I want my money.
TOKEN BLACK GUY
Shut up, foo, 'fore I bust a cap up
yo cyberpunk-ass!
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
(reluctant and brooding)
I guess that means you and I won't
be getting along.
Cloud and Party create MORE PLOT.
DIRECTOR YOSHINORI KITASE
You like that!!?? We understand
blacks, just like you Americans.
Power to the people!
VIDEO GAME PLAYER
Whatever.
EXT. MIDGAR
Token Black Guy spouts more utter NONSENSE. They blow up
the Mako Generator, and run away into the city. Cloud
meets AERIS GAINSBOROUGH.
AERIS GAINSBOROUGH
(looking innocent)
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
Hmm... it appears you are the only
character that deserves my
sympathy. You will most likely die
then.
Aeris stares innocently as Cloud heads for the slums.
Aeris creates MORE PLOT.
INT. SEVENTH HEAVEN - SLUMS
TIFA is waiting in the bar.
TIFA LOCKHART'S BREASTS
Hi. Needless to say this plot will
keep you locked in your room for
weeks to come. Stare at my
obscenely large breasts and round
hips to take your mind off it.
VIDEO GAME PLAYER
Yes, they are very big, but I think
I would rather bang the innocent,
tight virginal, wide-eyed doe that
is Aerith.
TIFA LOCKHART'S BREASTS
Who?
VIDEO GAME PLAYER
Aeris in English. Speaking of,
maybe you should get off your Anti-
American rocker and hire someone
who can speak English to translate
this shit.
TIFA LOCKHART'S BREASTS
Cloud, do you love Aeris more than
my breasts?
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
(reluctant and brooding)
I can't make up my mind at the
moment. We have a world to save
right?
Tifa pouts. She creates another PLOT.
TOKEN BLACK GUY
I still don't like you, bitch-ass.
INT. EVIL CORPORATION
President SHINRA, RUFUS-SON, SEPHIROTH, a bunch of Yakuza
called TURKS, General HEIDEGGER, SCARLET, HOJO, PALMER,
REEVE, and fuck even CHOCOBOS and MOOGLES show up to detail
out conspiracy to draw more Mako energy from the planet.
EVERYBODY EVIL
We need to do everything that is
possibly evil to make more money
regardless of how it affects our
planet. Let us push old ladies
onto incoming buses.
SEPHIROTH
Doing so will cause dire
consequences. Change your ways.
EVERYBODY EVIL
Money is all that matters.
PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
Who the fuck wrote that in?
CAMERA pushes CLOSER to Sephiroth in one of many
ridiculous, self-mockery poses.
EVERYBODY EVIL
What are you doing?
SEPHIROTH
I'm introducing another subplot.
The steroids or whatever bullshit
you decided to jack me up with as a
child shrunk my nutsack. You know
what that means.
Sephiroth KILLS just about everybody with less than a line
of dialogue.
SEPHIROTH
Now I will summon a giant meteor to
hit the planet, and absorb all the
Mako energy to regrow my balls and
become a God. Muhahahaha.
Sephiroth creates MORE PLOT.
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
(reluctant and brooding)
Jesus Christ, how much more plot
could there be?
DIRECTOR YOSHINORI KITASE spins the WHEEL-O-PLOTS and it
lands on VINCENT VALENTINE.
VINCENT VALENTINE
Expendable NPC here. I slept with
Sephiroth's mother but that is a
whole other useless plot with no
relevance to the game.
The wheel SPINS again and lands on RED XIII.
RED XIII
Amazing, Vincent. We could just
wipe you out of the game and it
wouldn't even affect the plot.
The wheel SPINS again and lands on CID HIGHWIND.
CID HIGHWIND
I am white, therefore, I am a lazy,
smoking, bomb-toting, sewer mouth
you fuck penis shit cunt testicle.
TOKEN BLACK GUY
Can't get any worse than me, son.
The wheel SPINS again and lands on YUFFIE and CAIT SITH.
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
Fuck no. Get lost the two of you.
The wheel SPINS again and lands on AERIS GAINSBOROUGH and
TIFA.
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
Oh, yeah. The romance.
TIFA LOCKHART'S BREASTS
So? Let's stop saving the world
for one damn moment and pick who
you want to get laid with.
AERIS GAINSBOROUGH
(looking innocent)
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
I'd rather talk about my problems.
TIFA LOCKHART'S BREASTS
Nooooooooo!!!
She SPINS the wheel and suddenly Video Game Player is
thrust with hundreds of random SUBPLOTS like Cetra,
meteorites, Chocobo Races, Knights of the Round Table,
traitors, Ancients, Genetic Experiments, and MORE EVIL
SHINRA PLOTS.
VIDEO GAME PLAYER
Enough of this shit! Let's kick
some ass.
SEPHIROTH
Indeed you shall. Now come chase
me while I burn and destroy
everything I see for some great FMV
sequences.
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
(reluctant and brooding)
Pretty nice, but I'm having an
identity crisis here and no time to
really kill you.
SEPHIROTH
....
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
(reluctant and brooding)
Here is some more plot. I failed
to be this great super Soldier even
though I can kick some serious ass
with my Limit Breaks and there are
only two of you in this program.
SEPHIROTH
What? The entire climax of this
horrific game is focused around one
insignificant failure from your
past?
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
(reluctant and brooding)
Makes about as much sense as having
us do all of these meaningless
subplots to advance the game.
SEPHIROTH
Okay, but you still need to chase
me around because I am going to
destroy the world.
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
(reluctant and brooding)
I'm still depressed. You'll have
to do better than that.
Sephiroth pulls Aeris innocently from the group and KILLS
her in a drawn out tear-jerking innocent moment.
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
(to Sephiroth)
Well, thanks a lot. You just gave
them the opportunity to create one
absurdly contrived ending.
TOKEN BLACK GUY
Foo! You be goin', sucka!
Cloud and Party CHASE Sephiroth around for CD TWO and
THREE.
INT. GIANT PIT
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
After going through many plots I
have finally found you.
SEPHIROTH
Well done. Prepare to meet your
doom.
Sephiroth ABSORBS much energy and many lifestreams. He
becomes SUPER ANGELIC SEPHIROTH.
Cloud takes the whole Final Fantasy PLOT and squashes
Sephiroth. Sephiroth DIES. Cloud and Party WINS!
TOKEN BLACK GUY
Yo, man...
JACK BULLIONS
This is an actual line from the
game.
TOKEN BLACK GUY
I been here since the beginnin',
an' I still don't know what the
hell's goin' on.
VIDEO GAME PLAYER
Damn, straight. What about the
meteor plot?
PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
Big dramatic finish!
CLOUD STRIFE'S HAIR
Oh no you don't. Everyone, into
the ship!!!
Cloud and PARTY pilots the BIG SHIP into the meteor. Cloud
and the MANY PLOTS all BLOW UP.
GAME OVER.