Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction ❯ The Abridged Script Archive ❯ Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest (SNES) ( Chapter 4 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: jbullions 
The short mockery script for Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest
Non Anime: Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Psychological / / Comedy | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 09.03.2002 | Updated On: 09.03.2002 | Pages: 2 | Words: 491 | Visits: 570 | Status: Completed
The short mockery script for Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest
Non Anime: Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Psychological / / Comedy | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 09.03.2002 | Updated On: 09.03.2002 | Pages: 2 | Words: 491 | Visits: 570 | Status: Completed
FINAL FANTASY MYSTIC QUEST: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
by Jack Bullions
INT. SQUARE STUDIOS - JAPAN
SQUARE BUSINESS CONSULTANT talks with PRODUCER HIRONOBU
SAKAGUCHI about the next Final Fantasy project. He indicates
a CHART.
SQUARE BUSINESS CONSULTANT
As you can see, our games are selling
more poorly in the U.S. than here in
Japan.
PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
No surprise. Our video games are too
"complex" and too "difficult" for their
minute brains. Crazy Americans and
their AD&D ways. They just don't
understand true fantasy.
SQUARE BUSINESS CONSULTANT
Whatever the case, the American market
is essential for our future horrible
games and a movie disaster. What can we
do to assure us of our money?
PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
I have a mindless idea. Let us create a
ridiculously simplistic, and lobotomized
RPG made for monkeys! If we can insult
them deep enough, they are bound to take
revenge and buy more of our games.
Producer Sakaguchi CACKLES while the Consultant pitches the
charts out the window and QUITS.
EXT. FOCUS TOWER GAME TILE
DARK KING appears with his army of GAME MONSTERS taken from
SQUARESOFT'S BOTTOM DRAWER. They all shift over one square
and onto the Focus Tower.
DARK KING
MWA-HA-HA-HA! The crystals are mine!
Now I have become evil beyond evil!
EXT. MOUNTAIN GAME TILE
BENJAMIN, the game hero, meets generic WISE OLD MAN.
WISE OLD MAN
Young grasshopper, light drives away
shadows. Water washes away dirt. Evil
is bad. Good is good.
WISE OLD MAN takes a crayon and explains PLOT.
WISE OLD MAN
Defeat Points A, B, C, and D and you
will be able to ascend the Focus Tower.
Only then can you stop the Dark King.
VIDEO GAME PLAYER
What the hell is this?
The screen suddenly SHAKES and RUMBLES. Hill tiles sink to
the ground.
BENJAMIN
Was that an earthquake?
WISE OLD MAN
Don't worry about that. It's the Super
Nintendo system trying desperately to
spit out the game cartridge. Be brave.
OLD MAN floats away while BENJAMIN acts ridiculous.
EXT. RANDOM TILES ON THE WORLD MAP
BENJAMIN connects the dots on the map.
MARIO
(stares at the world map)
Now that's-a copy of my game-a, eh?
INT. DOOM CASTLE TILE
BENJAMIN meets the DARK KING.
A LARGE SWORD appears and is waved in front of the Dark King.
NUMBERS bounce over his head.
DARK KING
MWA-HA-HA-HA!
BENJAMIN
You are truly a worthy opponent of my
first-grade kiddie level heroics. I
could just sit here and hit my A-Button
three times and kill you but that is too
"complex" for the gamers.
Benjamin pulls up his menu and casts CURE. Dark King DIES.
BENJAMIN
Woohoo! I won! Take that evil!
BUNCH OF CARTOON SPRITES
Yeah! We're all happy! Here's the
ship. Now get the fuck out of here and
take this piece of shit game with you.
Some SILLY WAV FILE plays reminding the gamers this is all
somehow part of Final Fantasy.
GAME OVER.
by Jack Bullions
INT. SQUARE STUDIOS - JAPAN
SQUARE BUSINESS CONSULTANT talks with PRODUCER HIRONOBU
SAKAGUCHI about the next Final Fantasy project. He indicates
a CHART.
SQUARE BUSINESS CONSULTANT
As you can see, our games are selling
more poorly in the U.S. than here in
Japan.
PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
No surprise. Our video games are too
"complex" and too "difficult" for their
minute brains. Crazy Americans and
their AD&D ways. They just don't
understand true fantasy.
SQUARE BUSINESS CONSULTANT
Whatever the case, the American market
is essential for our future horrible
games and a movie disaster. What can we
do to assure us of our money?
PRODUCER HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
I have a mindless idea. Let us create a
ridiculously simplistic, and lobotomized
RPG made for monkeys! If we can insult
them deep enough, they are bound to take
revenge and buy more of our games.
Producer Sakaguchi CACKLES while the Consultant pitches the
charts out the window and QUITS.
EXT. FOCUS TOWER GAME TILE
DARK KING appears with his army of GAME MONSTERS taken from
SQUARESOFT'S BOTTOM DRAWER. They all shift over one square
and onto the Focus Tower.
DARK KING
MWA-HA-HA-HA! The crystals are mine!
Now I have become evil beyond evil!
EXT. MOUNTAIN GAME TILE
BENJAMIN, the game hero, meets generic WISE OLD MAN.
WISE OLD MAN
Young grasshopper, light drives away
shadows. Water washes away dirt. Evil
is bad. Good is good.
WISE OLD MAN takes a crayon and explains PLOT.
WISE OLD MAN
Defeat Points A, B, C, and D and you
will be able to ascend the Focus Tower.
Only then can you stop the Dark King.
VIDEO GAME PLAYER
What the hell is this?
The screen suddenly SHAKES and RUMBLES. Hill tiles sink to
the ground.
BENJAMIN
Was that an earthquake?
WISE OLD MAN
Don't worry about that. It's the Super
Nintendo system trying desperately to
spit out the game cartridge. Be brave.
OLD MAN floats away while BENJAMIN acts ridiculous.
EXT. RANDOM TILES ON THE WORLD MAP
BENJAMIN connects the dots on the map.
MARIO
(stares at the world map)
Now that's-a copy of my game-a, eh?
INT. DOOM CASTLE TILE
BENJAMIN meets the DARK KING.
A LARGE SWORD appears and is waved in front of the Dark King.
NUMBERS bounce over his head.
DARK KING
MWA-HA-HA-HA!
BENJAMIN
You are truly a worthy opponent of my
first-grade kiddie level heroics. I
could just sit here and hit my A-Button
three times and kill you but that is too
"complex" for the gamers.
Benjamin pulls up his menu and casts CURE. Dark King DIES.
BENJAMIN
Woohoo! I won! Take that evil!
BUNCH OF CARTOON SPRITES
Yeah! We're all happy! Here's the
ship. Now get the fuck out of here and
take this piece of shit game with you.
Some SILLY WAV FILE plays reminding the gamers this is all
somehow part of Final Fantasy.
GAME OVER.