Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction ❯ The Abridged Script Archive ❯ Zelda 64: Ocarina of Time (N64) ( Chapter 13 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: jbullions 
The short mockery script for Ocarine of Time
Non Anime: Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Psychological / / Comedy | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 09.03.2002 | Updated On: 09.03.2002 | Pages: 4 | Words: 1.3K | Visits: 463 | Status: Completed
The short mockery script for Ocarine of Time
Non Anime: Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Psychological / / Comedy | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 09.03.2002 | Updated On: 09.03.2002 | Pages: 4 | Words: 1.3K | Visits: 463 | Status: Completed
OCARINA OF TIME: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
By Jack Bullions
INT. LINK'S ROOM
NAVI appears, runs her head into a wall, and does a bunch
of other zany antics. This is FUNNY... to five-year olds.
The antics wake up latest incarnation of LINK.
BOY LINK
Hi. I am an orphan from war left
in a care of some isolated but
powerful race of... children that
don't age. Ten seconds in and
already this game isn't making
sense.
NAVI
Hey! No time to explain. Go see
the Great Deku Tree!
BOY LINK
(stares at flying ball of light)
What the - ? I thought you only
come out of bushes or rocks I pull
from the ground?
NAVI
Listen! I'm here to tag along and
prove how utterly worthless my
character is. Let's go!
Most of the VIDEO GAME PLAYERS, after witnessing this
horrible travesty done to one of Disney's greatest classics,
breaks the N64 and leaves.
EXT. NEVER NEVERLAND
A bunch of KOKIRI ADULT-CHILDREN-ELVES prance around with
their own FLYING BALLS OF LIGHT. Link and Navi meet the
GREAT DEKU TREE.
GREAT DEKU TREE
Link, thou hast arrived. A vile
climate pervades this world.
Verily, ye have...
BOY LINK
I'm ten. I don't understand that.
GREAT DEKU TREE
I see then. Well listen, I will
die eventually, but first enter
this dungeon I have cleverly
designed for you and heal me a
little bit so I may destroy
continuity of this game.
BOY LINK
Actually, I think I'm going to go
pack my bags and wander as a hero
for hire like the previous Links.
GREAT DEKU TREE
Don't make me perform Hamlet on
you.
Link runs screaming into the dungeon.
INT. DUNGEON
Link uses 3-DIMENSIONAL POWERS to beat LEVEL by finding
COMPASS, MAP, and LEVEL ITEM, and LEVEL BOSS. In other
words, Link experiences LEGEND OF ZELDA and EVERY ZELDA
GAME TO DATE over again.
PRODUCER SHIGURO MIYAMOTO
A-Ha-Ha-Ha! Now that I have a 64-
bit platform, I can now confuse and
annoy you gamers with spontaneous
camera rotations! Take this!
The camera EXPLODES, gyrating wildly about. First-person
views RE-ORIENT and spin around like an ICE SKATER on
CRYSTAL METH. This is CHALLENGING.
Eventually, Link leaves Dungeon and meets MIND-BOGGLINGLY
SLOW explanation of PLOT which we have already deduced from
previous games and LONG EXPOSITORY INTRO.
EXT. HYRULE CASTLE
GIRL MALON
I am a pathetic plot device.
Desire me in seven years after your
ridiculous quest to wipe out this
ignoramus.
BOY LINK
Quest?
(looks around)
I see.
Link encounters FAT WOMEN with beards, GAY CARPENTERS, and
other HOMOSEXUAL ELEMENTS of Zelda 64. This is also FUNNY.
PRODUCER SHIGURO MIYAMOTO
The world really is a diverse place
outside my riches and wealth.
BOY LINK
That's stereotyping, you ignorant
asshole.
PRODUCER SHIGURO MIYAMOTO
Oh snap...
(pause)
Hmm... you are a boy, therefore, you
must be playful. Please play my myriad
of mini-games to distract you from plot
then.
BOY LINK
Ooh! Games!
NAVI
Hey! Listen! Let's try to get back to
the quest here. See Zelda!
Link makes his way to Hyrule Castle while encountering
GOOFY CHARACTERS on the way. He meets ZELDA.
YOUNG PRINCESS ZELDA
My precocity has provided for me a
vision of the future. Ganondorf, the
second stranger to betray my imbecilic
father in this series, will ruin the
land unless we two children do
something.
Link peers through the window and sees GANONDORF.
Ganondorf wears black boots, black cloak, black skin, big
black horse, and anything else black you can reveal without
getting a Parental Advisory. He is EVIL.
GANONDORF
I am somehow failing to understand
you are a threat to me despite
repeated ass-kickings from your
older self versions.
(looks evil)
This frightens Link.
YOUNG PRINCESS ZELDA
Now Link, I need you to go recover the
three mystical stones together from
dangerous dungeons before he does.
BOY LINK
????
(pause)
You're pitting me, a boy for the love
of Mike, against a madman who can quite
clearly kick my ass into next Saturday
on a life and death mission? You must
be the second dumbest character in
creation!
YOUNG PRINCESS ZELDA
Impa! Send him on his way!
SMALL LINK
I'd like to see your old nurse try.
Suddenly, IMPA appears, in her WWE alter ego, CHYNA.
VIDEO GAME PLAYER
How the hell did this happen?
Impa pulls Link by his ear out into Hyrule Field.
IMPA
Link, I am a Gerudos, and so is
Ganondorf. You see, only one man
is born in our Amazonian society
every 100 years, and by law, we
must raise him to be all powerful.
How we breed is a complete mystery.
PRODUCER SHIGURO MIYAMOTO
How do you like that pile of
horseshit I pulled out my ass? Ha-Ha!
Speaking of, here's a horse to play
with!
Link leaves and repeats the DUNGEON PROCESS over again with
Zora's Domain and Death Mountain. Link WINS.
BOY LINK
I accomplished my quest within a
reasonable amount of playing time.
Something doesn't feel right.
YOUNG PRINCESS ZELDA
Uh-oh. Maybe I did screw up.
Link stares blankly at Zelda.
BOY LINK
You can't tell from my expressionless
face, but I'm staring at you with
disgusted contempt right now.
YOUNG PRINCESS ZELDA
But... but... I thought we were
meant for each other?
BOY LINK
Since when? Our relationship has
always been platonic, except for that
godawful cartoon years ago that no one
in their right mind will acknowledge.
Anything more than that is just a
mindless construct of a fanboy's wet
dream. Read fan-fiction.
Link returns to the TEMPLE OF TIME, summons some magic to
open a BIG DOOR, and discovers MASTER SWORD.
GANONDORF
Mua-Ha-Ha-Ha! You have fallen victim
to my ingenious plot!
Ganondorf sneaks up behind Link and STEALS Triforce. Link
passes out sans all explanation.
INT. SACRED REALM
Link wakes up seven years later and becomes MAN LINK.
MAN LINK
I'm afraid to ask but, where am I?
Explain this, Older Zelda.
RIDICULOUS DISGUISE
I do not know whom you are referring
to. I am Sheik. Because you are the
Chosen One, we had to freeze you so you
may grow older and fight Ganondorf one
on one.
MAN LINK
That's the stupidest thing I've ever
heard.
RIDICULOUS DISGUISE
Perhaps. Now let me teach you several
songs that will allow you to warp
around this world so you can gather
more stones for me.
Link leaves and repeats DUNGEON PROCESS half dozen more
times while meeting some more GOOFY CHARACTERS. He returns
to Hyrule Castle for dramatic climactic battle.
EXT. HYRULE CASTLE
Man Link beats the holy hell out of Ganondorf with INTENSE
A BUTTON, B BUTTON, combination attacks... twice.
GANONDORF
It appears each of you characters
have a piece of your own triforce
that has provided some power to
counteract my own. How all of this
eluded me from the getgo shows what
a tremendous moron I am.
(dies)
OLDER PRINCESS ZELDA
Now we can seal Ganondorf inside the
Evil Realm.
MAN LINK
So what is to prevent Ganondorf
from doing this over again in the
past? Unless you're planning on
sending me...
OLDER PRINCESS ZELDA
I have another billiant idea! I'll
just use my super Princess powers
to teleport you back in time and
we'll pretend this monstrosity
never happened.
MAN LINK
But...
Link TELEPORTS back to the Temple of Time.
BOY LINK
Oh well. Good riddance that's over
with.
PRODUCER SHIGURO MIYAMOTO
Nonsense. My irrepressible ego has
spawned another senseless sequel...
Mask of Find Item and Kill Boss
with first-person Goldeneye shooter
mini-game!!
NAVI
What? You're on your own, Link.
(leaves)
GAME OVER.
By Jack Bullions
INT. LINK'S ROOM
NAVI appears, runs her head into a wall, and does a bunch
of other zany antics. This is FUNNY... to five-year olds.
The antics wake up latest incarnation of LINK.
BOY LINK
Hi. I am an orphan from war left
in a care of some isolated but
powerful race of... children that
don't age. Ten seconds in and
already this game isn't making
sense.
NAVI
Hey! No time to explain. Go see
the Great Deku Tree!
BOY LINK
(stares at flying ball of light)
What the - ? I thought you only
come out of bushes or rocks I pull
from the ground?
NAVI
Listen! I'm here to tag along and
prove how utterly worthless my
character is. Let's go!
Most of the VIDEO GAME PLAYERS, after witnessing this
horrible travesty done to one of Disney's greatest classics,
breaks the N64 and leaves.
EXT. NEVER NEVERLAND
A bunch of KOKIRI ADULT-CHILDREN-ELVES prance around with
their own FLYING BALLS OF LIGHT. Link and Navi meet the
GREAT DEKU TREE.
GREAT DEKU TREE
Link, thou hast arrived. A vile
climate pervades this world.
Verily, ye have...
BOY LINK
I'm ten. I don't understand that.
GREAT DEKU TREE
I see then. Well listen, I will
die eventually, but first enter
this dungeon I have cleverly
designed for you and heal me a
little bit so I may destroy
continuity of this game.
BOY LINK
Actually, I think I'm going to go
pack my bags and wander as a hero
for hire like the previous Links.
GREAT DEKU TREE
Don't make me perform Hamlet on
you.
Link runs screaming into the dungeon.
INT. DUNGEON
Link uses 3-DIMENSIONAL POWERS to beat LEVEL by finding
COMPASS, MAP, and LEVEL ITEM, and LEVEL BOSS. In other
words, Link experiences LEGEND OF ZELDA and EVERY ZELDA
GAME TO DATE over again.
PRODUCER SHIGURO MIYAMOTO
A-Ha-Ha-Ha! Now that I have a 64-
bit platform, I can now confuse and
annoy you gamers with spontaneous
camera rotations! Take this!
The camera EXPLODES, gyrating wildly about. First-person
views RE-ORIENT and spin around like an ICE SKATER on
CRYSTAL METH. This is CHALLENGING.
Eventually, Link leaves Dungeon and meets MIND-BOGGLINGLY
SLOW explanation of PLOT which we have already deduced from
previous games and LONG EXPOSITORY INTRO.
EXT. HYRULE CASTLE
GIRL MALON
I am a pathetic plot device.
Desire me in seven years after your
ridiculous quest to wipe out this
ignoramus.
BOY LINK
Quest?
(looks around)
I see.
Link encounters FAT WOMEN with beards, GAY CARPENTERS, and
other HOMOSEXUAL ELEMENTS of Zelda 64. This is also FUNNY.
PRODUCER SHIGURO MIYAMOTO
The world really is a diverse place
outside my riches and wealth.
BOY LINK
That's stereotyping, you ignorant
asshole.
PRODUCER SHIGURO MIYAMOTO
Oh snap...
(pause)
Hmm... you are a boy, therefore, you
must be playful. Please play my myriad
of mini-games to distract you from plot
then.
BOY LINK
Ooh! Games!
NAVI
Hey! Listen! Let's try to get back to
the quest here. See Zelda!
Link makes his way to Hyrule Castle while encountering
GOOFY CHARACTERS on the way. He meets ZELDA.
YOUNG PRINCESS ZELDA
My precocity has provided for me a
vision of the future. Ganondorf, the
second stranger to betray my imbecilic
father in this series, will ruin the
land unless we two children do
something.
Link peers through the window and sees GANONDORF.
Ganondorf wears black boots, black cloak, black skin, big
black horse, and anything else black you can reveal without
getting a Parental Advisory. He is EVIL.
GANONDORF
I am somehow failing to understand
you are a threat to me despite
repeated ass-kickings from your
older self versions.
(looks evil)
This frightens Link.
YOUNG PRINCESS ZELDA
Now Link, I need you to go recover the
three mystical stones together from
dangerous dungeons before he does.
BOY LINK
????
(pause)
You're pitting me, a boy for the love
of Mike, against a madman who can quite
clearly kick my ass into next Saturday
on a life and death mission? You must
be the second dumbest character in
creation!
YOUNG PRINCESS ZELDA
Impa! Send him on his way!
SMALL LINK
I'd like to see your old nurse try.
Suddenly, IMPA appears, in her WWE alter ego, CHYNA.
VIDEO GAME PLAYER
How the hell did this happen?
Impa pulls Link by his ear out into Hyrule Field.
IMPA
Link, I am a Gerudos, and so is
Ganondorf. You see, only one man
is born in our Amazonian society
every 100 years, and by law, we
must raise him to be all powerful.
How we breed is a complete mystery.
PRODUCER SHIGURO MIYAMOTO
How do you like that pile of
horseshit I pulled out my ass? Ha-Ha!
Speaking of, here's a horse to play
with!
Link leaves and repeats the DUNGEON PROCESS over again with
Zora's Domain and Death Mountain. Link WINS.
BOY LINK
I accomplished my quest within a
reasonable amount of playing time.
Something doesn't feel right.
YOUNG PRINCESS ZELDA
Uh-oh. Maybe I did screw up.
Link stares blankly at Zelda.
BOY LINK
You can't tell from my expressionless
face, but I'm staring at you with
disgusted contempt right now.
YOUNG PRINCESS ZELDA
But... but... I thought we were
meant for each other?
BOY LINK
Since when? Our relationship has
always been platonic, except for that
godawful cartoon years ago that no one
in their right mind will acknowledge.
Anything more than that is just a
mindless construct of a fanboy's wet
dream. Read fan-fiction.
Link returns to the TEMPLE OF TIME, summons some magic to
open a BIG DOOR, and discovers MASTER SWORD.
GANONDORF
Mua-Ha-Ha-Ha! You have fallen victim
to my ingenious plot!
Ganondorf sneaks up behind Link and STEALS Triforce. Link
passes out sans all explanation.
INT. SACRED REALM
Link wakes up seven years later and becomes MAN LINK.
MAN LINK
I'm afraid to ask but, where am I?
Explain this, Older Zelda.
RIDICULOUS DISGUISE
I do not know whom you are referring
to. I am Sheik. Because you are the
Chosen One, we had to freeze you so you
may grow older and fight Ganondorf one
on one.
MAN LINK
That's the stupidest thing I've ever
heard.
RIDICULOUS DISGUISE
Perhaps. Now let me teach you several
songs that will allow you to warp
around this world so you can gather
more stones for me.
Link leaves and repeats DUNGEON PROCESS half dozen more
times while meeting some more GOOFY CHARACTERS. He returns
to Hyrule Castle for dramatic climactic battle.
EXT. HYRULE CASTLE
Man Link beats the holy hell out of Ganondorf with INTENSE
A BUTTON, B BUTTON, combination attacks... twice.
GANONDORF
It appears each of you characters
have a piece of your own triforce
that has provided some power to
counteract my own. How all of this
eluded me from the getgo shows what
a tremendous moron I am.
(dies)
OLDER PRINCESS ZELDA
Now we can seal Ganondorf inside the
Evil Realm.
MAN LINK
So what is to prevent Ganondorf
from doing this over again in the
past? Unless you're planning on
sending me...
OLDER PRINCESS ZELDA
I have another billiant idea! I'll
just use my super Princess powers
to teleport you back in time and
we'll pretend this monstrosity
never happened.
MAN LINK
But...
Link TELEPORTS back to the Temple of Time.
BOY LINK
Oh well. Good riddance that's over
with.
PRODUCER SHIGURO MIYAMOTO
Nonsense. My irrepressible ego has
spawned another senseless sequel...
Mask of Find Item and Kill Boss
with first-person Goldeneye shooter
mini-game!!
NAVI
What? You're on your own, Link.
(leaves)
GAME OVER.