Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Insanity ❯ Cruelty ( Chapter 8 )

This is a SeiferxZell yaoi and if you don't like it don't read it.

Disclaimer: I think I own Nida's bad luck.

"…"talking

~…~thoughts

{…}memories

Italics Zell's self-preservation

A clicking pen, a ticking clock, a bored sigh, a chair shuffling and many other small insignificant sounds are resounding in the waiting room outside the Headmaster's office. While the secretary jadedly typed forms and reports, a young man sat in the empty room, staring at her fingers press the keyboard over and over and over again. In silence, the most inconsequential noises become hammers pounding on his ears. Besides the headache he was getting from the constant tapping of keys, his upper lip was cut and a violet bruise was formed under his right eye. The left arm on his battered body hung lamely at his side, since it has been the target for breaking, grabbing, squeezing, kicking and punching in the last 48 hours of his life.

"Headmaster Kramer will see you now." Without looking up the secretary pushed a button that opened the doors to Kramer's office.

"Thanks." Standing straight and walking normally he entered into the brightly lit room.

"Good afternoon, Neda" Sitting on his desk, Cid drank his coffee and read the several reports.

"It's Nida, sir" The pilot's body screamed to sit down and rest, but he needed permission first.

"Nide." Cid stood up, placed the cup on the desk. "Do you know why I called you here?"

"Yes, sir" Trying to retain his uncomfortable posture, Nida thought of what happened less than an hour ago. "I assaulted three junior cadets in the hallway after they knocked my documents into the floor, sir; and my name's Nida, sir"

"I'm glad to see you've understand what you did, Noda. That type of behavior is uncharacteristic of you. I expect it from the fighters or duelers, but not a level-headed calm pilot like you. " Approaching the beaten boy, he placed his hands on the other's shoulders. "Remember that we all have our place in the grand scheme of things and should act accordingly."

"Yes, sir." ~I wish people would stop touching me. I wish they would remember my name.~

"I remember when you were just a lad in the Garden. Always quiet in the library, reading up on airplanes and engines and other impractical things for the time. No one ever thought that it would be useful. But as you know everyone has a place and the day the Garden flew it had a pilot." Kramer released his hold and paced around. "You were almost expelled, until you took up Strategies and Battle Formations, weren't you, Nido?"

"Yes, sir. I had to learn aerodynamics on my own time, sir." ~There are a couple hundred strategists in the School. What was the point of forcing me to be one?~

"You also never took any combat classes besides Basic Self-defense, which makes your behavior even more unexpected. Those cadets you attacked were kickboxers and a Tae Kwon Do student. Top of their class, as well. I've had complaints of their attitude towards the rest of the student body, but with fighters I tend to be more lenient, since they train to be aggressive, after all. The most surprising thing is that you beat two of them."

"I lost my patience, sir. It won't happen again, sir." ~Like I'm going to lose to snot-nosed brats~

"I'm sure it won't, Nila. Warriors have their place, as do pilots. Your roommate, Gary Lou, is a specialist in surveillance and he does his work well. The SeeD field exam was filmed by his well placed hidden cameras on the cadets' uniforms. You helped plan the formation of our assault boats and the following retrieval of our brave soldiers. Zell and Squall fought and beat that Machine-spider. Selphie delivered the retreat order to all the squads and Quistis supervised everyone for their safety." Cid wasn't looking at Nida, but rather stared into space as he reminisced. "Everyone did their part, exactly as they should. You must always remember that even though there's an I in pilot, there's none in team. Do you understand my point?"

"Yes, sir." ~He can remember even fucking Gary, who he barely sees every couple of months, but can't remember my damn name and I pass next to his office every day to go to the cockpit. And what the hell does I in pilot and not in team mean?~

"Then you know that you'll be reprimanded for your actions. Rules must be followed, so I'm withholding your SeeD pay indefinitely." The headmaster stopped pacing and sat on the edge of his wooden desk. "You'll set an example for the cadets."

"But, why, sir? I…I don't understand. Even when Almasy terrorized everyone and actually used his gunblade in the Quad just to showoff, you never punished him." He felt like he was losing balance, but continued pleading for reasoning. "I know that fighting in the hallways is prohibited, sir. But those cadets do it all the time and are never punished."

"Control yourself, boy. I don't need to be reminded of past failures like Seifer and I don't need to be told how to do my job. I thought you understood my point quite clearly, but I must have overestimated you." At the mention of his former pupil, Cid's anger rose suddenly. He had high hopes for Seifer and often saw him like a son. "I will only say this one more time. Fighters are allowed to fight, you're not. All you have to do is teach and fly, nothing else. Learn your place and act accordingly. I was hoping that Gary Lou could teach you this. He knows what he has to do and doesn't interfere in matters that don't concern him."

"Gary is a sick pervert and I hate him." He couldn't stand hearing praise for his tormentor and felt blood boiling behind his eyes. Lost in his fury, he didn't see the hand strike him soundly on his right cheek.

"Never speak ill of your comrades. No one's perfect, so you can't judge anyone. You may think that you're irreplaceable, since there isn't another expert pilot in our Garden, but a phone call away there's the Galbadia Garden pilot, waiting for a second chance." The once kind face of Kramer was crunched up and deformed into a pit bull's. "I'll forgive your words, but never repeat them again to anyone since I will know you said them. Do you understand me now, or are those too many big words?"

"I understand, sir." The rage he felt moments ago dissipated and was soon replaced by despair and confusion. Deep down he knew that letting his feelings show would be a grave mistake.

"I'm glad you do, Nada." Leading the pilot towards the door, he turned benevolent once again and smiled gently. "I must be harsh, so you'll learn."

"Yes, sir" ~What just happened?~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\

Inside the Infirmary, the lights shone fluorescently and floor glimmered of disinfectants. Ordered to go there to treat his wounds and bruises, Nida walked mechanically, putting one foot in front of the other until he reached a doctor's office. Nothing made sense at that moment. Kramer struck him, screamed at him and threatened to relieve him of his post. ~He always seemed so nice…a little absentminded but he wouldn't hurt a fly…Why?~

"Can I help you, pal?" A novice surgeon stepped out of the office and stared at Nida's haggard state.

"I'm looking for Dr. Kadowaki." Looking at the young man, he couldn't see the face's features. Everything seemed blurred and out-of-proportion.

"She's unavailable. If it's about those wounds, I can treat you." Without waiting for a response the surgeon walked into a room. The number 3 was visible over the door.

Letting his body glide on its own, the SeeD couldn't think. He wanted to lie down and sleep for a week. Everything hurt, his arm was useless and a jabbing nail was forcing its way into his skull. Once inside, he sat down on the bed, removed his shirt and waited for his next order. Thinking for himself was to tiring.

"Name" Perusing through an archive, he looked for the patient's file.

"Nida" ~How many times have I said it?~

"Just Nida, huh? No parents?" The young doctor sounded distant, faded.

"No parents. My orphanage didn't give second names." ~Nobody ever wonders why Xu, Rajin, Fujin and I never give second names. The same orphanage yet we're so different.~

"Says here you were treated for a broken arm a couple nights ago. Didn't take the painkillers the doctor prescribed. Want them now?" Taking a bottle out of the medicine cabinet, he handed it over.

"Yes, please." ~He's nice, talking to me like I exist.~

"A couple of potions should do the trick." From the same cabinet he took out three vials. They were light green and glowed faintly. Pouring two onto his arm and torso, he handed the third to the pilot. "Drink this one."

The acrid taste was nauseating, but he felt the headache alleviate and his insides weren't burning anymore. "Thanks…can I ask you something?"

"Sure, go ahead." The empty recipients were arranged in a sink to be sterilized and refilled later.

"How you ever felt that the world is against you? That no matter what you do, nobody will care what happens to you?" The pain died down into a numb stiffness. The buttons on the shirt slid clumsily into their respective holes, the finger tips manipulating them frozen and bloodless. His head felt empty, but the memory of the stinging slap remained.

"Feeling kind of down, huh? I have some antidepressants if you want them. Lift your spirits up really quick."

"No…no, it's okay. Thanks for the meds." ~I don't want pills…I know I'll become addicted to them…If they make me happy, then I'll never give them up~

"You sure?" The doctor's face was still featureless. The hair color, the eye color, the skin color; does he have full lips or thin ones?; is his nose crooked, straight or a button; is he immaculate or does he bare scars?; Nida couldn't tell, he couldn't create the image in his head. All he knew was that the other was young and nice. Or was he? What if he was old? Was he nice or just courteous to somebody with some rank? The most important detail was unknown. What was his name?

"Yeah, bye" ~I don't want to know his name…if people don't know mine then I don't want to know theirs.~

The Asian left the office quickly, leaving the unknown man behind. As if the fates enjoyed their little practical jokes, Dr. Kadowaki entered the room. Zell and Quistis left the white room around ten minutes before and were headed towards the Cafeteria, leaving a warrior to console his princess. Kadowaki gave the couple some reassuring advice and left them to their privacy.

"Has anyone procured me while I was busy, Dr. Nadie?" The older woman began to pull out files from the archive and check her notes.

"Just a young chap called Nida. A little beaten up, but I gave him a couple of potions and the painkillers you prescribed for him."

"Did he need anything else?" She remembered the look of empty acceptance in Nida's eyes from the day before. That look worried her and she wished that her time wasn't so limited at that moment.

"Well, he seemed kind of blue, so I suggested some antidepressants. He didn't want then though" He said casually, as if he recommended aspirin.

"I would suggest that you never do that again, Dr. Nadie. At least while I'm in charge of the medical department. Drugs are not magical cure-alls, no matter what the potion makers say." Her face became taut with irritation. The medical professionals of these days frustrated her with how impersonal they have become and the methods they preferred. "Counseling and a patient ear are the best solution for many psychological problems. If he gave you the impression of being slightly depressed then you ask him about his worries. Don't give him mood-changing drugs on a whim; the side effects should not be more problematic than the illness, Dr. Nadie."

"Right, right, sorry, Dr. Kadowaki. But he didn't take them, so no harm done." He had only been on her staff for little over a week and forgot about the doctor's policy on drugs.

"Harm can be caused many ways, Dr. Nadie." She sighed and returned to her notes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

The Cafeteria buzzed with life as everyone talked and laughed during lunch hour. About a week has passed since the End of the World and it was starting to sink in that everything would return to normal. On one of the tables near the furthermost wall from the entrance sat a highly recognizable blond warrior with a black emblem on his face. In front of him sat an innocent, peppy girl with a pigtail. Yesterday afternoon it was a serious, sophisticated, young woman. He preferred his friend.

"So, as I was comforting the junior cadets in the midst of all that destruction and chaos, this Galbadian soldier stood right next to us poised to shoot with a machine gun. All the children were so scared and shivering, so I sang a lullaby to calm them. The soldier broke down and cried about how his mother would sing that song to him and that he didn't want to kill, so I consoled him and said that it would be alright and everyone is forgiven if they repent." Grasping her hands in each other, she continued her story of what happened when the Galbadia and Balamb Gardens faced off in mid-air.

Across the table sat the young warrior battling against sleep and boredom. "That's great, Mary Sue. You were really brave." ~Make it STOP!!…..I like listening to her……How? HOW?!?!......She's a terrific liar……If she is, then why are you enjoying this?……See the way her hands move and the gleam in her eyes, I almost believe her…..I'm lost…….She lies like a pro. I can't find a single flaw in her story, except that it's so sappy that cynics will never believe it…...I can find plenty……The soldier's probably never existed and she can say that the kids lost their memories because it was so traumatic. There was so much going on at once, that who is to say it didn't happen…..It's this why you wanted me to invite her to the ball?…..Yes and no. At first I wanted you to get laid already, but now I like studying her technique…..You want me to have sex with her?!?!......Why not?~

"Zell, are you okay? You're face is red." She placed her hand on Zell's fist.

"I'm fine re-really" He could feel his stomach lurch. Mary wasn't ugly or anything, but he just didn't like her and knowing that she's a pathological liar wasn't helping. ~Come on guys, get here already~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

Walking out of the elevator, in the midst of faceless silhouettes and mindless banter, Nida dragged himself towards the Cafeteria. He had just come out of his Engine Design and Ship Maintenance class for junior cadets interested in preserving the Garden in the future. The institution was a rusted mess inside and sometimes Nida wondered how it flew in the first place. Everyday he had to wake up early, fix the kinks out of the controls, give that class at 10am and fix their mistakes, have lunch alone, write up reports about how the repairs are progressing, give a class at two for future pilots and remind them of their limits, have dinner alone, return to his dorm room, get molested by his roommate, lock himself up in his room, pray that the next day would be better and repeat.

Today was different; today he was meeting Zell for lunch and no longer would consider Gary the only person who knew him. It was the only reason he woke up this morning. After the scene in Cid's office he has felt isolated from the Garden. According to Kramer he had to learn his place and live with it. However, his place was to stand alone in a cockpit, teach some hotshots and get assaulted daily. Not anymore.

The Lunch area was full to capacity, so he decided to get some food and then look for his new-found friend. There was no point in risking an empty stomach if all the meals were already gone. After waiting for twenty minutes he saw the clock mark 12:09. Ten minutes late.

~Come on….Come on~ He didn't want anything to go wrong.

"What would you like?" The plump Cafeteria Lady served dishes left and right, listening to dozens of hungry mouths.

"Burger, fries and a soda." Simple and quick; the best way to order.

"10 gil." She outstretched her left hand and fixed the burger with her right.

"Here you go, madam." He placed the money into her hand.

"Here's ya lunch, sonny." She looked up and smiled. Being addressed nicely for a change tends to do that.

"Thanks" After grabbing his tray he left in search of Zell.

The small warrior wasn't hard to find. His clothes were simple and mundane, but they couldn't hide the aura that exuded from the martial artist. As he approached he noticed a young girl with her hair tied tightly into a tail. Her brown hair seemed familiar, as well as her mannerisms. Zell, noticing the Asian pilot who he had broken not long ago, shouts out.

"Nida, hey Nida. Over here." He stood up and waved his arms vigorously as if pleading someone to pull him out of a lion's pit.

Upon hearing the shout, Nida wanted to wave back, but his right arm was busy carrying the tray. The pigtailed girl turns around and scowls at him. ~Mary Sue…what is she doing here?...Is Zell the better guy she left me for?~

He continues to walk forward until he sees her mouth silently 'GO AWAY'. The tray and all its contents fall loudly on the floor. The room spins as everyone grows quite and stares at him for a second. Soon they return to their gossip and ignore what they just saw. ~Zell wants to be my friend…but he's with my ex. She dumped me so suddenly and then that same night Zell breaks my arm and I…I can't face her now. I can't take anymore shit.~

He turns around and runs for the exit. Too much has happened in the past few days, he can't stand everything at once.

"Nida…wait." Zell started moving out of the table. He was about to enter a sprint when two delicate hands enclosed his wrist.

"Leave him be. I think he wants to be alone." Her eyes swam in unshed tears. "He used to be my boyfriend, but he barely had time for me, so we broke up."

"But I can't…he seemed…." ~She lies so well….You mean he wasn't her boyfriend…..Oh, he was. Her eyes are lying beautifully….. I don't get you. I'm going after him…...That isn't a good idea. Trust me. Every time you haven't, somebody ended up hurt……But...I can't let him leave like that…..You can and you will, now sit down~ He sat back down and placed his chin on his hand. Normally Zell would have ignored Mary Sue and the voice, but he regrets the mistakes he's made. The voice was always right, and Zell was always wrong.

As Nida reaches into the entryway he knocks into someone. The feeling of cold leather and warm feathers brushed his cheek. Realizing who it was, he paled slightly more.

"What's your problem?" Squall pushed him aside and clenched his fists. He disliked Nida greatly and wasn't shy of letting it show. Next to him stood Rinoa and Quistis, one of them surprised and the other sympathetic.

Fear, anger, desperation, rejection, all rolled up in a ball threatening to explode and consume him; Nida resorted to sarcasm as a flimsy shield. "What the fuck do you care, huh? I'm only Nada, right? So take your knight-in-shining-armor ass out of my face and fuck off." ~What am I doing? I should just shut up.~

"You arrogant fuck, I'll…" He grabbed Nida by the collar, but soon released him when he was slapped upside the head.

"Grow up, Squall." Even though she was shorter than Squall, she seemed to surpass him and make him appeared like a 12 year-old. "You can leave, Nida."

"Damn it, Quistis." He watched the Asian walk away swiftly.

"Forgive and forget, ok?" Rinoa took his arm and started to pull him away from the blond. "Zell's waiting. He wanted to introduce us to a new friend of his, remember? We have less than an hour before we meet Kadowaki."

"Fine." He followed the brunette through the crowds.

Looking behind her Quistis felt uneasy about Nida. ~Why did you call yourself Nada?~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ < p class="MsoNormal">Leaning against a pillar in plain view of everyone, a tall surveillance expert watched the entire ordeal. He couldn't be happier with the results. ~Only I want you. Only I see you. When you realize my love you'll fling yourself into my arms and beg for my caresses.~

He caught Mary Sue's eye while she sweet-talked her famous acquaintances. A wink and a wave; their business was done. He remembered yesterday after leaving for the library.

{"MARY SUE. I need to talk to you." He stomped into the quiet setting and bellowed again. "Damn it! Get your ass out here."

From the shelves of books appeared a youthful girl, with a serene smile she said. "Please sir, the library is used for studying. If you wish to speak to me, come to the storage room."

The students crammed into the book shelves and desks in order to see the brave librarian face against that loud-mouthed deviant. Just before closing the door, the courageous girl beamed at her admirers. "Don't worry. I'll be back soon."

The storage room was full of dusty copies of old editions of useless books. Turning on the light, the innocent pigtailed girl looked straight into Gary's face and said. "What the fuck is your problem, asshole? Coming here screaming your fucking head off like that. I got an image, you know."

"Calm down. We got to talk about your new boyfriend and your ex." He sat on a stack of Romance novels and crossed his legs.

"What about them? Want to fuck 'em both now?" Mary played with her hair, fix it up a little it.

"Tomorrow at twelve they're having lunch together and if Nida starts talking about the girl that dumped him after he gave the bitch the world, what do you think Hyper-boy's going to think, huh?" Uncrossing his legs he stood up and glanced at the old issues of Timber Maniacs.

"Why would Zell hang out with that loser? He's a nobody." She started to fiddle with her nails; removing the non-existing dirt.

"Doesn't matter. All you gotta do is meet up with the ninja-wannabe before Nida gets there and scare him off. He hasn't gotten over you yet. I mean you left him holding his cock only a couple of days ago." Gary walked towards her and removed a small dust-bunny from her shoulder.

"Why do you get out off this? You never do anything for nothing." She swatted his hand away and placed her fists on her hips.

"Nida needs to learn that he's only mine. I left him alone when you were dating him, of course." He grinned widely and honestly, but couldn't fool a con-artist.

"Hah! Sure you did. I couldn't touch his dick because of you. I know what you're like." She smirked and glared fiercely.

Holding his palms outward, he pleaded to his sister. "Do this for me…for your big bro."

"Okay, fine. Don't ever come in here hollering like your ass is on fire again." The idea of being biologically linked to someone like Gary was appalling. "People might think were related."

"We are, even if you don't like it." He leaned forward and was about to place a peck on the top of her head when a hand slapped him hard.

"Don't kiss me with that shitty mouth of yours. Never know what's been in there." Her tone was vengeful, but the smile that graced her face was one of sibling rivalry.

"Love you, too." He rubbed his reddening cheek and opened the door. The mob of eavesdroppers staggered from the door. There was no point in doing so, since the storage room was fire-proof, water-proof and by consequence sound proof. "I'm sorry for screaming, Mary."

"Remember that the library is a quiet place and that you're always welcomed if you respect that." Her hard cynical self was well-hidden behind the charismatic angel.

"I'll remember that. Thank you for showing me the light, the light that leads towards the true path of happiness. I'll never harm another book or bring them in late. I'll never interrupt other people's studying, since you have rectified me; set me straight and led me out of the path of darkness." The corniness and overacting was causing several cadets to suppress their giggles.

"Go now. Learn to be good and teach this to others." She couldn't help but play along. What really made her laugh inside were the people taking this seriously.

"I will, oh fair maiden, I will." And with a flourish he left the library leaving a baffled crowd and an amused hypocrite.}

After reminiscing, Gary strolled through the eating masses and planned his next move. ~I wonder if you're hungry enough to eat at the dorm.~ This thought alone excited him greatly.

TBC

A/N

I hoped you enjoyed this chapter. I'll get to the actual SeiferxZell soon enough.

Cid's actions in the first part are uncharacteristic, but that's because he's under a lot of stress and wants everything to be perfect and in its place. In the following chapters you'll see why.

Nadie is Spanish for nobody. If you see any name you don't recognize it's probably Spanish. I made the character featureless and gave him that name because he represents many doctors…and because I'm lazy when it comes to original characters. Kadowaki's opinions on the matter of drugs are my own.

How many people guessed that Mary Sue and Gary Lou were siblings? The rhyme in the names, Gary knew about Mary, little bits of foreshadowing.

If you're asking yourself: Why does she make Nida suffer so much? When is she going to give him a break?

Well my answer is that I'm trying to give Nida a nervous breakdown. Everything I write is cause and effect, so I can't pull a breakdown out of nowhere.

You may also be wondering about the voice. Hokit wrote to me a while ago: What I don't understand is whether the "voice" in Zell's head is evil or not. It seems to be rational, but at the same time it seems to give Zell the wrong advice - i.e. urging him to forget about what happened and run away from it instead of facing it.

So I answered:

I have a very psychoanalytical mind and the dynamics of the human psyche is one of my greatest interests. The voice that speaks to Zell is the same one that every one has. It's our conscience, that angel that sits on your shoulder and tells you what to do. People with an overly active imagination tend to personify this sub-consciousness into a pseudo personality. Zell has a hyper personality, so I assume his imagination is also hyper, hence he creates this other voice with whom he has conversations with.

The voice isn't evil, per se, but is a representation of society standards and how he was raised. That's why it seems rational, but whether or not it's evil depends on your views on human society. Society imposes that big boys don't cry and can take care of their problems on their own, so Zell hides how he feels first with anger, then with joyfulness and later on he becomes introverted. He can't show pain or weakness, because society demands that men be strong. Another thing is that only women are raped; for a man to be violated in such a manner would be disgraceful and he would be shunned by his peers. For this reason is that the voice continues to deny that the rape ever occurred in the first place. Society also imposes that men pair off with women and that any other combination is ludicrous, because of this the voice tries to steer Zell away from any type of feelings towards men and also why the voice is interested in Mary Sue. It knows that she is an easy lay. You'll see this more clearly in following chapters. Since women are allowed to be freer with their emotions, Quistis and Rinoa are able to express themselves and the turmoil they're feeling, Zell can't.

I hope my little exposition as helped clarify some things instead of boring you. ^_^ Please review.