Flame Of Recca Fan Fiction ❯ What Matters Most ❯ Nightmare ( Chapter 7 )

Disclaimer: I do not own Flame of Recca. I am merely borrowing the characters for mere fun.

What Matters Most

Chapter 8: Nightmare

"Where am I?" I ask myself.

I didn't know where I was. It was so dark. I felt I was in space.

Dark. Cold. Empty.

'More like a dungeon.' I tell myself.

I started walking around. I tell myself that I couldn't do much but walk around. It was the only thing I could do. But I couldn't even move around much, though. It was dark. And kind of chilly. I started to think of places that I could possibly be in. And I thought of none. I was in Mikagami-niichan's place. It was impossible to be here. I couldn't even move a few…

"Was it hours… Or days ago?" I said aloud, "Oh man, I could be anywhere in this planet!"

Then I laughed. Who would possibly take enough interest in me to take me anywhere?

But then again… What about Mikagami-niichan? Didn't he take care of me?

I was walking, dazed and a bit confused. I really couldn't figure out where in the world I was. I couldn't think of a place this dark and cold.

I couldn't…

I stopped. I saw I tiny creak of light, possibly from the room outside. I started running towards it. I didn't care where it led. Or what lies in it. I just wanted to get out of here. It was so cold. And dark. And reminded me of…

"No!" I shout, "No! No… Never… Koganei… Don't think about it… No…"

I realized, that whenever I thought about the past, the past even before Kurei, I'd feel so ill and lightheaded and, well, you know what happens…

'Kaoru…'

"Who's that?" I said, feeling a sense of recognition.

'Kaoru…'

"Who are you?! Show yourself!" I said, though the thought sent chills to my spine.

'My, my, boy… What have you gotten yourself into?'

"I don't under-…,"

'Have you realized that all you bring in life are troubles?'

"T-trouble?"

'That's right. You've brought nothing to this world but trouble.'

"I don't know wha-,"

'After all, it was your fault. It was your fault she died! Your fault Angeline died! Your stupid god forsaken eyes' fault! Your… You! Everything about you is wrong! I knew it… Knew it ever since you were born… Knew it… Everything about you… You killed her… You caused her pain. Trouble. If you didn't beg. If you never pleaded. Never existed…'

'No!'

"That voice… I know that voice… That's…"

'That's not true! She loved… loves me! She did the things I asked her to because she loves me! She… Mother loves me, Father! She lov-,"

Slap! And the boy falls hard on the stone cold floor. Eyes wide in fear. Shock. And aloneness.

The father, however, merely stared at the boy. As if he were merely trash. A disgusting creature.

The boy could only stare. He didn't dare speak afraid he might cry. And his father didn't like that. No. His father didn't like people who are weak.

Such as himself.

His father did not like people who show their weakness.

Such as himself.

His father did not like people who were dumb and clumsy, stupid and weak.

Such as himself.

His father did not like anything about him. His father despised his very being. His soul. Everything. His father hates…

'No!' I heard him say. It was weird. This. Everything. I didn't know what was happening. Didn't know how I came to be here. Am I dead? Did I die? I hope so…

I walked up to them… I didn't want the boy… No… Me… To experience those things again… So I reached for myself… Whispered… And told myself to get out. To run away. To never return from the place I thought was home. To just disappear… And not live at all…

'Loves you? Angeline, loves you? Don't make me laugh, boy. She never loved you. She only did those things because she was obligated to.'

'Obligated? She's my mother! She can't be obligated! She… she didn't do that because she was obligated… She read me stories at night… Tucked me in bed… No! She loves me! Mother loves me!'

'Really? Then why didn't she take care of you when you were ill? Why didn't she stay beside you when you were afraid? Tell me, boy, has she ever said she loves you?'

"No… no… Please stop. Why am I here? What am I doing here? Why is this happening to me? I don't want to remember… I don't want to… Don't let me… It hurts… It hurts so much… Oh god, please… Don't do this to me… What have I done wrong this time? Why am I always doing something wrong? Am I being punished for the things I've done? For running away? For trying to end it? For… for…"

'She… Mother… she…'

'Didn't I tell you boy? You are nothing to her. To me. You were never anyone to us. Nor ever will be… You will never become anyone… Because you are worthless… Pathetic… And weak… You don't deserve to live in this world, boy. You don't deserve anything… Not even love… Not love… Not ever…'

"Stop… stop… Please stop! I don't want this! I don't want to remember! I don't want to! I've tried so hard to! No! Let me go! Leave me alone! Stop! Stop… please…"

'Father…' the boy says, 'I… I know you do care for me. I know it… I just know it… It's just that… this happened and… and you don't have anyone to blame it on… It's ok if you blame it on me… It's ok… Just so long as… So long as…,' the boy walks up to the father and puts his arms around the fathers waist, 'Just so long as you love me…'

I tried to run away… I tried to block the image of myself and my father… Tried so hard not to remember what happened afterwards… But I couldn't… The voices kept on coming… They were still there… The two of us… My father and myself…

Wherever I turned they were still there… Wherever I looked… They were there…

I couldn't escape it… Couldn't get away from it…

"No… Please stop… Let me go! Leave me alone! I don't want to! I don't want to remember! God, don't… I don't want…"

'Love you? Why would I love someone such as yourself? Why would I love someone who has caused nothing but trouble? How, pray tell, can I love you when I hate you so much? When I despise everything about you? How can I love you… when you took away the person I care for the most? She was the only one… The only one I ever loved… Why should I love you?'

'Father I…'

"STOP! STOP IT! STOP IT, PLEASE! LET ME GO! LET ME GO!

"Koganei!"

Who is it? What did I do this time?

"Koganei! Wake up, Koganei!"

All of a sudden warmth enveloped me and I felt myself wake up, panting and crying, from that nightmare. I realized that my face was in Mikagami's chest, one of his hands on my head, the other soothing my back. His head was on top of my ever-messy hair and he was whispering comforting words in my ear,

"Shh… It's all right, Koganei. It was only a nightmare. It won't happen. It'll never happen…"

It was the first time someone actually comforted me. It was the first time someone said comforting words to me when I was afraid. And it made me cry harder.

"It's all right, Koganei. Everything's going to be all right."

I couldn't stop myself from crying. Couldn't stop those tears I've kept for so long. I was so embarrassed. I felt weak again. I was always weak. I wish I could become stronger. To show him… Father…

Maybe I was still caught up in the nightmare at the time. Maybe I was temporarily insane. Maybe I was talking to myself. But I can't take back what I've said, "Don't leave me… I don't want to be alone anymore… I don't want to… I'm afraid… I'm sorry if I'm a bad boy… I'm so sorry if all I bring you is trouble… But don't leave me, please… I've tried so hard to be accepted… But no one's ever did… I don't know why… I don't understand… I've tried so hard to be a good boy… I've tried so hard not to bring trouble… But I always fail… I'm so sorry… I'm very, very sorry… Please don't leave me… I know it's my fault… I know everything's my fault… But don't leave me… I don't want to be alone anymore… It's so hard to be alone… When no one's there for you… I want… Please… don't leave me…"

And I felt myself drift into unconsciousness.

This left Mikagami very confused.

He didn't know Koganei held problems like that. He didn't know the boy kept his emotions like that. He didn't know that a boy as young as Koganei could experience things like that at his age.

"Don't worry Koganei. I'm always here. I'll always be here."