Full Metal Panic Fan Fiction ❯ Needless Secrets ❯ Chapter Three ( Chapter 3 )

The next few school days were little different. When Sousuke was in her presence, he was as distant as she had ever known him to be. He hadn't even caused any problems for the school administration. The few glances he'd placed upon her were confused, as if part of him wanted to speak to her but another element was pulling him away.

Kaname herself was truly beginning to feel the strain. She'd been slacking off in her schoolwork. She'd cancelled the weekly Student Council meeting as she just hadn't felt up to it. She was avoiding her friends just so she didn't have to turn down their invitations. Each night was being spent lying upon her sofa, staring at the TV or playing video games. She'd eaten nothing but take-out food. Even basic activities were punctuated by thought.

She could feel some of her own hurt transform into anger directed at her boyfriend. Why was he treating her like this? She had told him she just needed a little more time to understand her own actions. So why wasn't he permitting her that? Wasn't a relationship meant to be give and take? He was the one in the wrong here! If he had a problem, then why in the hell didn't he just come out and face her, demanding an answer? Instead he'd simply ignored her. Was he just going to abandon their relationship rather than take a few simple steps in an attempt to revive it?

Those thoughts were constantly quelled by her logic. Though she'd been on numerous first dates, this was the only time she'd been in a relationship. She found it hard at times to figure out what to do and say, what steps she should take. But she'd at least had experience of how relationships were supposed to be. She'd learned so much through observation and absorption; she'd talked to countless friends, seen the way her parents treated one another. Hell, even when she was forced to watch a sappy chick flick, she'd been able to glean some knowledge. What second-hand experience did Sousuke have?

He knew next to nothing; it was his place to make mistakes. It had been through her that he had begun to learn what a relationship could be. Now she was invalidating her own lessons by providing him with contradictory information.

She told him a relationship was meant to be open, and yet she was the one hiding it from curious eyes.

She had said it was all about balance, and yet she'd been taking more from him than she had given.

Love was about helping the person you cared about when they were hurting. What had she done to ease his pain over this? She'd simply pushed him further away.

And he HAD made an effort, though he couldn't say the words. He had tried, in his own naïve way, to get her to admit why she was doing this. That's why he'd kissed her in the classroom, why he'd tried to hurt her in return. Perhaps his innocent soul thought that it would provoke a reaction from her.

It wasn't his place to solve the fracture. He was hurting but didn't know how to heal the wound. That was why he found it hard to be around her. It was up to her to solve this riddle before everything shattered before her.

But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't find the truths to put the pieces together.

Before she knew it, it was Friday. Chilled by the thought of a lonely weekend, she'd asked Kyouko to stay over. She couldn't stand another night without someone there to speak with. And she owed it to her friend; she'd been somewhat absent from Kyouko's life as of late.

They had busied themselves with the same old things they had always enjoyed: watching rented movies, laughing at the most recent implausible storyline in their favourite drama, and just chatting about any topic that fell within their radar. It had been the first time in days Kaname had been able to find some form of distraction. The relaxed atmosphere was helping to ease her overactive mind.

She had been searching through her bathroom cabinet for nail polish remover. Scanning through the numerous items that cluttered the shelves, she hadn't even come close to finding it. She was almost certain she'd put it in there…

"Find it yet, Kana-chan?" Kyouko called from the bedroom.

She sighed. "No luck. What about the dresser?"

Kyouko gave the drawer contents a last examine before closing it. "No; I checked all the drawers and it's nowhere in them. Is there anywhere else you could have put it?"

"Check the bedside tables. That's about the only other place I may have put it." As she continued shuffling the bottles in the cabinet around, she heard her friend search one of the tables before moving onto the second.

"Found it, Ka-" She stopped in mid-sentence.

"Kyouko?" Kaname poked her head out of the bathroom. Her friend was standing frozen, staring at the open drawer. With a start, Kaname realised what her eyes were focused upon. So much for keeping secrets… Something was always bound to drag them into the open.

Kyouko turned to her, pure shock showing on her features. Kaname gulped audibly. She didn't know if her friend was going to burst into a fit of laughter or yell at her for being utterly stupid. "Kaname… Why…uh…"

Before she could say anything more, Kaname shushed her by placing a finger upon her lips. Kyouko obeyed, but her mouth remained agog. Grabbing a needle from the sewing kit in her school bag, Kaname shut her bedroom door and pulled a chair up to the corner of the room. The listening device now within her sight, she located the indent Sousuke had told her would mute transmissions. "Sorry, Sergeant," she whispered. "You're not allowed to listen in." She pushed the needle into the hollow.

Stepping off the chair, she took a deep breath before turning towards her friend. They just stared at one another for a long moment, before Kaname took the initiative and closed the drawer, flopping down upon her bed. She had to hold off her instinct to flee the scene.

"C-condoms, Kaname?" All the dark-haired girl could do in response was nod. Kyouko seemed to ponder something for a moment, before a small smile crossed over her lips. "Sagara-kun!" Her light voice held no trace of uncertainty. How could it be anyone else? Kaname nodded once more. "I knew it! I KNEW it!"

"You did?! How? How did you know? Who else? Does anyone else know?" she asked in a rush, grabbing the older girl's arms and shaking her. Kaname felt her body begin to panic. The strange looks? The questions she'd asked throughout the week? It all clicked. Kyouko suspected what had been happening and was worried about her and Sousuke's relationship.

"Calm down, Kana-chan." She sat down on the bed and placed her hand upon Kaname's shoulder. "Well…I didn't know exactly, but I was suspicious. It's just the way you've been acting together lately, and with the way you look at each other..."

"'The ever-vigilant Kyouko'. You get any good pictures?"

She simply giggled at the joke. "And with all the times you've been ducking out of softball practice and hanging out with me and the girls…"

Kaname shook her head, her guilt setting in once again. "I'm really sorry. I haven't been the greatest friend lately."

Kyouko shrugged. "You've got a new boyfriend; it's understandable."

"Do you think anyone else suspects anything?"

"Well, everyone's been suspicious that something was happening between you guys ever since he transferred. It's obvious from the way you look at each other. A few people asked me if you were a couple, but I told them no. If you were together but hadn't told anyone, I guessed you both wanted to keep it a secret for a little while."

"Thanks." Lying back upon the bed, her hands cupped behind her head, Kaname sighed. What was she going to do now? Of course Kyouko wouldn't breathe a word to another soul, but she felt anxious. It was too late to do anything about it, though… "I guess you want a bit of an explanation?"

"Mmm, well, that would be nice."

Kaname attempted to explain everything to her engrossed companion; however, she found herself passing over most of the personal details. She still felt the uncontrollable need to hold back, and could only reveal what she felt was required.

Kyouko grinned through the whole story, every once in a while a soft romantic sigh escaping her lips. "Kana-chan, I'm so happy for you!" Kaname couldn't help but feel herself becoming infected by her friend's excitement. She felt a smile tug at her lips, but it was soon displaced. "You guys ended up in bed pretty quickly. I didn't think Sagara-kun had it in him!"

"'Ended up in bed pretty quickly'!?" She was on her feet, her voice at optimum, but Kyouko didn't even flinch. "Well, yeah, it did only take us a couple of weeks, but we'd been spending all of our time together and…we'd done…other things before! And we didn't mean for it to happen that night! It just…did!" Kaname sighed. And she was supposed to be keeping a hold on things. She never really did have control over her big mouth.

Kyouko couldn't do anything but laugh. "So do you love him?" she teased.

She sat down heavily once again. "Of course I do," she answered sincerely. "I wouldn't let a guy so much as touch me unless I did."

"Does he love you?" Kyouko asked with a little hesitation.

Her face lit up briefly. "…yeah."

Kyouko moved a little closer and placed her head upon Kaname's shoulder. Her amused expression had disappeared, making way for one of concern. "So what's been happening this last week? You guys don't seem to be getting along that well."

Kaname leaned against her friend. An unexpected wish to confide in someone had come over her. After all, the secret was already out; was there truly any use in holding back now? Kyouko had already helped her through a number of problems, especially at the start of high school…perhaps she could do the same now. "He's angry at me for all of this. I don't know why, but I didn't want anyone to find out about us. I wanted it to be a secret. I thought that after a little while, I'd be happy to tell everyone. Now, months later… I just can't bring myself to. And I don't understand why."

"How do you feel about me knowing?"

"Anxious. Worried. Scared."

"Why?"

"…I don't know. I just feel like if anyone finds out, something's going to go wrong. Like…I'm tempting fate or something. I…" She didn't know how to explain it any further; she didn't understand the feelings herself. "But I know I'm really hurting Sousuke like this. He's completely different than how I thought he'd be in a relationship. He's even a little clingy." She swallowed heavily. "What he went through as a kid makes my life sound like a fairy tale. No one's ever really shown him any love, and he only has a few close friends." Images of Kurtz, Melissa and Tessa filtered through her mind. "I'm being so unfair to him. He's doing everything he can to learn what it's like to be a normal teenager, and I'm the one holding him back. If I could tell him the reason, I know he'd be more accepting, but I can't even do that for him."

"Oh, Kaname…why can't you just say that to him?"

"I've tried, but he just gets exasperated. I can't blame him; I'd feel the same way. No; until I can prove something to him, I don't see a way out of this. And by that time, I'll probably have pushed him away totally."

"Don't look at it that way. Sagara-kun isn't the type to give up on anything easily. He's never left your side, no matter how you've treated him, when most guys run away after catching a brief glimpse of your…more destructive side."

Kaname tried to quell her anger; she wasn't about to prove her friend's point.

"Although he's tried to hide it, when you've been interested in other guys, he gets really heartbroken." Memories of that Sunday at the theme park came to mind, along with the mental image of a shaken and awkward Sousuke Sagara. "He's worn that same sombre expression for the past few days. He cares a lot about you, so I'm sure he'll wait. Just have faith in him."

"I have a lot more faith in him than I do in myself," Kaname said softly. "I really need to show him that more often, though. I need to show him a lot of other things more often, like respect. And I know I can do that by finding out the answers for him, and giving more than I take. I…" She took a deep breath, trying to prevent her voice from cracking. "I can't lose him."

"Don't worry; you won't." Turning so that she was facing Kaname, her legs crossed upon the bed, Kyouko decided that now was the time to steer the conversation to more light-hearted concerns. "So, what's Sagara-kun like as a boyfriend?"

"Kyouko!"

"Oh, come on! You've always told me about your dates."

"Yeah, but almost every date I've ever had was set up by you, and the only details I shared was how much of an asshole the guy was." Having gotten some of her concerns off her back, Kaname could feel herself opening up. It would be fun to gossip like this. After all, they'd been best friends since they were fifteen. Kyouko was the only person she felt halfway comfortable admitting things to. She knew she still didn't have the strength to reveal the truth to anyone else. "Okay, I give. What do you want to know?"

"You said he was 'clingy'," she giggled. "I can't ever imagine him like that."

"Well, he isn't in the truest sense of the word. It's more his protective side coming out. He just loves to hold me sometimes. He can still be really awkward and unsure, even when we're…you know. But I can't but find that incredibly cute. And he's not romantic or anything, but sometimes he really tries to make the effort. It generally ends in disaster…but that can just makes things even more romantic. It's hard to describe," she explained, noticing Kyouko's confused expression. "He really is everything I want, just in an unexpected form. I just need to make a point of showing him that more."

Kaname rolled around in her bed once again. Not another sleepless night… She'd already lost enough hours of slumber. She climbed out of her bed; if she wasn't going to fall asleep naturally, she wasn't going to force the issue.

Her mind was deliberating over what she and Kyouko had spoken of the night before. Their conversation had done wonders; while she hadn't reached anything definitive yet, but everything seemed a little clearer. She had discarded a number of possible reasons, and more were falling by the wayside by the minute.

Stepping over to the large windows, she pulled the curtains back. Sousuke's living room lights were still on, despite it being after two in the morning. She couldn't help but wonder what he was up to.

She paced around the room for a moment before making her way to the dresser. There were more photo frames littering the surface than ever before. In addition to those of her immediate family, there were a number of her friends, and even a few of her and Sousuke. Several of them were non-descript; there was little evidence of their feelings being displayed, and some were taken even before they had begun dating. But there was one where their feelings were clearly displayed. She'd made an effort to hide that one before Kyouko had come over.

They were lying upon her sofa, cuddled up. One of her arms was extended, obviously holding the camera. She was laughing, gazing upwards, but his eyes were focused squarely upon her, shining with intensity. A cute, tender smile was on his lips. She'd always loved that photo. She believed that it perfectly demonstrated how much he truly loved her, and it was one of the few times his image had been captured with a clear display of emotion.

Not allowing the photograph to throw her into another period of doubt over their relationship, she instead channelled her feelings into something positive. She had to convert it into strength that would fuel her inner journey; she was determined not to accept this situation as the end.

She brought her eyes away and over to another frame, this time containing her mother's visage. She picked up the framed photograph and sat at the foot of her bed. "I know I always say it, but I mean it more than normal now. I really wish you were still here. I wish I had you around to tell me about boys and what to do when a relationship feel into hard times. I know if you were around, you could help me, Mum."

That was when it hit her. Staring at the aged print, she felt the pieces come together. The reasons she was holding back, the sense of impending doom. It finally made sense. She was afraid of it all happening again, going through that pain. She was afraid of becoming the person she once was, the frightened young girl who'd been in trouble with the law, who'd almost taken her own life.

Sousuke's light was still on. He would still be awake. This was far too important to leave until the morning. She had to tell him. She had to explain her actions and put a stop to his pain.

She ran out of her bedroom, threw on her coat over her striped pyjamas and slipped into a pair of shoes while grabbing her keys. Within a few seconds, she was gone, running down the stairs of her apartment building. She wasn't about to wait for the elevator; she needed to get to him as fast as she could.