Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Full Metal Alchemist in a Nutshell ❯ Complete Nonsense ( Chapter 3 )

Welcome back to another thrilling chapter of Full Metal Alchemist in a Nutshell!! Its like, 2:15 and I'm typing this on my computer, refusing to sleep or do my homework. I can always do it tomorrow anyway, and who needs sleep? Now on to the complete ramblings I call a story!

 

Disclaimer: I DON'T FREAKING OWN FULL METAL ALCHEMIST!!!!! Or any of the smexy characters in it, namely Ed. Why do u always haveta rub it in my face? I'm some dirt-poor girl who only owns the letters, words, and ideas of this story.

 

RED DAWN!!!!

 

Ed wakes up, being held up by two men. He glares at Cornello, looking very hot since half of his shirt has been torn off, exposing some of his chest.

Cornello smirks, grabbing Ed's pocket watch, and breaking the chain.

“Hey you ass!! Give that back!” Ed yells at Cornello.

“So, this is the proof that you're a state alchemist eh?” Cornello said, dangling the watch in front of Ed's face. “Your getting sleepy. Very very sleeeeeeeeeeeepy.” Cornello said, waving the watch back and forth in front of Ed.

“What the hell are you doing?” Ed asked.

“Nothing! Now, take him to the dungeon!” Cornello said, pointing to exit stage right. He laughed maniacly, then started hacking and coughing. The men restraining Ed took him to the dungeon.

 

~the next day~

Mr. Bell Ringer Guy stands under the rope to ring the bell, yawning. “That was some party. I am so hung-over.” He said, holding his head. “Well, time to ring the bell.” He sais, grabbing the rope. He pulled on it, almost falling over. He looked up. “HOLY CHEESE AND HAM ON HONEY WHEAT WITH A GLASS OF MILK ON CHINA!! THE BELL'S GONE!!” Mr. Bell Ringer Guy exclaimed. In the backround, you can see Al sneaking away with the bell.

~meanwhile in the deep dark dungeon of deadly doom~ (that's a lot of `D's)

Ed sat on the ground, his hands bound over his head. He leaned on the wall, sighing. The sound of a door opens. Ed looks up to see Rose with a tray of food. She walks over to him.

“Aw, how nice. You came to feed me. Ahhhh.” Ed said, opening his mouth wide to be fed.

Rose puts the tray just out of Ed's reach, then turned to leave.

How cold.Ed thought. “Hey, was that really your boyfriend you saw?”

Rose stopped for a moment, clenching her fists, then ran off.

Ed sighed, then reached for the tray of food with his leg. He heard a sound next to him, and looked beside him smiling cutely.

~Meanwhile in Cornello's bedroom~

Cornello is having a bad dream. The ouros-borus had appeared, and a red snake formed, and bared his fangs at him. “DON'T EAT ME!!!” Cornello yelled, sitting up. “Phew. It was only a dream.” Cornello said, putting a hand to his chest. He looks up to see a mysterious, busty lady sitting on a chair across from him.

“The Philosopher's Stone was supposed to be our out secret. Remember?” The mysterious woman said, half covered in shadows.

Oh, crap Cornello thought.

~elsewhere~

Rose opened the door to Kain's room in her first appearance in the chapter. “Kain, I'm sorry. I know you need to rest, but I really wanted to talk to you.” Rose said, stepping closer to Kain's bed.

A silhouette appeared behind the bed's curtain. “Rose?”

Rose smiled, stepping another step closer. She heard the door open behind her. Father Cornello stepped in behind her. “Gasp! Father Cornello, I'm sorry I came without permission but…”

Cornello smiled, Suddenly, a wind picked up.

Rose looked behind her. “Bigger gasp!!”

A weird, bird chimera sat on the bed, looking gross.

“Ewwwww!” Rose said, stepping back.

“I'm sorry Rose. Even with the power of the Philosopher's Stone, I didn't feel like risking my life for you. So I just sacrifice the soul's of birds. Well, time for you to die.” Cornello said, lifting his hand with the ring. It flashed, then the chimera made a shrieking sounds, jumping off the bed onto the ground.

“Say hi to Kain for me.” Cornello said, and left the room.

“Rose. Rose.” The chimera said, twitching.

“No. No. YEEEEEEEEEK!!!” Rose screamed covering her eyes as the chimera pounced.

Cornello walked down the hall. “Heh. I keel her dead. Now, time to keel Ed dead.”

“BOOOOO!!!!! YOU SUCK CORNELLO!!!! WE HATE YOU!!! HISSS!!” The audience said, throwing moldy tomatoes at Cornello.

Cornello gets hit with moldy tomatoes. Wiping them off, he headed for the dungeon.

Rose opens her eyes. She sees the chimera on the ground, making weird choking sounds and drooling out bile. She looks up at Al, who just punched the chimera's lights out.

“It's dangerous here. Let's go.” Al said, holding out her hand to her.

Rose stared at his hand, then looked at the bile-drooling chimera. She grimaced, then nodded.

“We're finally back to the star of the show. About time.” Ed said.

Cornello walks into the dungeon.

“Ugh. You smell like moldy tomatoes, moldy cheese, AND old bird poop.” Ed said, grimacing. “Geez, haven't you heard of something called water? And soap?”

“Shut up!” Cornello said, a vein popping on his bald head.

“Well, anyway, everyone's gonna find out that you're a fraud.” Ed said.

“Yeah, right. Those stupid believers can't even tell the difference between alchemy and miracles.”

“Yeah? So how does that help you? Explain your plain, in detail.”

Cornello smiled evily.

For some reason, we go back to Al and Rose.

“Alchemy is based on the law of equivalent exchange. To obtain, something of equal value most be lost. My brother is a total genius, but that's because he studied hard.” Al explained, connecting wires to stuff.

“I didn't really care about this stuff. But wait, what's the equivalent exchange for your brother being do drop-dead sexy?” Rose asked, standing next to him.

Ignoring Rose's comment, Al said “This is why he is who is is.”

“That makes no sense. But wait, you payed the price. What happened to your mom?” Rose asked Al.

“I think it's time to start.” Al said, standing up and ignoring Rose again.

“What? How rude.” Rose said, folding her arms in a huff.

Al clicked a button, and the speaker squeaked loudly. Ed's smexy voice can be heard, echoing through the whole town. “So you were after the money after all.” Ed said.

“Ed?” Rose said.

“Nah. I can get as much money as I want in the form of donations from my followers.” Cornello's old crusy voice echoed.

“Gasp!” Rose said.

“No, what I want are believers who are willing to sacrifice their lives for me. They believe I can resurrect them, so they're not scared to die. Those believers will turn into the ultimate army!” Cornello said, turning his back to Ed. “Just watch! I will start taking over the country in a couple of years!” Then Cornell laughed loudly and evily.

Ed stared at him, bringing his arms down and sighed. “I don't give a rat's ass about your stupid plan.”

“What? You should, your in the military!” Cornello said, looking at Ed.

“You can't revive anyone right?”

“Of course! Even with the Stone, I wouldn't even risk my life for mere pawns!”

Ed took a bite out of some bread.

“Wait, weren't your hands bound?” Cornello asked, staring at Ed.

Ed smiled smexly, then schooched over to show the microphone.

Cornello gasped. “HOLY SNAP AND CRAP!!!!” He yelled, his voice echoing through the town.

“How…How long was that microphone been on?!”

“From the beginning! You just exposed your entire plan.”

“How did you get my broadcasting equipment?!”

“Al took it. You see, what you captured last night was just some junk I transmuted to look like Al.”

“No! These are all lies!! LIES I TELL YOU!!!!” Cornello yelled, then shooting sounds could be heard before it was quiet.

The smoke cleared, showing the destroyed microphone. He panted, holding up the large gun that he had magically obtained. He looked to his side and SLICE! Ed slashes his gun in half with his automail blade.

“Heh. That was easy.” Ed said, striking a very smexy pose. His automail reflected the light with a DING!

“WOOOOO!!!!THAT WAS SOO FRIKKIN' HOT!! WE LOVE YOU EDWARD!! SMEXYNESS!!!!!!” Shouted the audience, going nutsy coo-coo.

“Uh…uh…. MOMMY!!!!” Cornello yelled, dropping what was left of his gun and running away. “Hah, hah, hah, must…run…faster…” Cornello breathed, running down the hall as fast as his stubbly little legs can carry him. He ran outside. “GASP!!!!” Cornello said loudly.

A hugie mob has formed outside. “Father Cornello! Was the broadcast true?”

Cornello grunted, then a lightbulb appeared on top of Cornello's head. He flicked it away and said, “I don't know how that broadcast copied my voice. But it is all a conspiracy. To prove it, I will eliminate it using the power of the sun god! Behold the power of Leto!!” Cornello said, lifting his hand. DING!! The statues came to life again. They started walking down the street.

“Woah! It's a miracle! The statues of Leto are moving!” The crowd shouted.

“Heh.” Cornello laughed, then looked behind him. Ed stood behind him. “Just give it up.” Ed said annoyed.

“Heh. Without this, all you can transmute is your auto-mail.” Cornello said, dangling Ed's watch.

“Old bald guy, I'll show you the real wrath of God.” Ed said, clapping his hands and slamming them on the ground. He transmuted the huge statue of Leto that was inside, and it slammed through the ground. It stood really tall, everyone gazing at it.

“Impossible!! Even I can't move such a large object with the Philosopher's Stone!!” Cormello exclaimed in shock.

“The punishment he received had little effect on him.” Al said, popping out of nowhere with Rose inside the crowd. “My brother is the Full Metal Alchemist!”

Ed stood there, looking hot and smexy.

“WOOOOO!!!! YOU RULE!!! SO HOT!!!! MARRY ME ED!!! NO, ME!!! HE'S MARRYING ME BITCH!! NO ME YOU HOR!!!” The audience started fighting with each other.

The statue of Leto lifted his fist, and sent it hurtling toward Cornello.

“HOLY FISH NUGGETS!!!!!” Cornello yelled, lifting his arms over his head.

BANG!!!! The statue's fist slammed into the ground in front of Cornello. Cornello fell to the ground, going tinkle on himself. Damn, I thought I stopped doing that in my pants when I was 11. Cornello thought, looking at his wet pants.

Ed stood in front of him, looking hot.

“YAAAAAAY!!!!” The audience yelled.

“My stone! You can't have it!!” Cornello said, standing up and starting to run off. BZAP!! “Pain!” Cornello said in pain, falling to his knees. “G GYAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!” He screamed, holding his now deformed arm that was pulsing.

“Ewwwwww. A rebound.” Ed said, running over to Cornello.

“AUUUUGH!!! IT HURTS! I'M GONNA PEE IN MY PANTS AGAIN!” Cornello said in pain.

“Again?”

“AUUUUUUGH!!!”

Ed lifted his arm to see the Stone. It blinked, then went dull and imploded.

“A fake?” Ed said shocked. “Heh. You caused all this trouble…lied to the town…make us go though all that hard work AND try to kill us. And it's a fake?” Ed said, standing up. “DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!!!!!” Ed yelled.

~Later that day~

Ed sighed, holding his watch in front of his face. “We went through all that for nothing. What a rip-off. I thought I could finally return you to your body.”

“You should think about yourself Nii-san. Auto-mail causes a lot of problems.” Al said.

“Whatever, let's go.” Ed said, putting his watch back in his pocket and standing up.

“How could you…”

Ed and Al looked up seeing Rose. “You asshole! You destroyed my sense of hope! Now how am I gonna live my life? I might as well end it all now and slit my wrists!” Rose yelled at Ed.

“SHUT UP BITCH!! ED'S TRYING TO HELP YOU DAMMIT!! ROSE, YOU HOR!! I LOVE YOU ED!!” Shrieked the audience.

“Don't. We need you for the end of the series. Remember, crazy psycho lady trying to take over your body. Read the script dammit.” Ed said, folding his arms.

“We have a script? I thought it was just improv.” Rose said.

“Whatever.” Ed said, turning his back to Rose. “Oh yeah, I forgot to say this. You have a good pair of legs, so use them. USE THEM DAMMIT!!! USE THEM WHILE YOU STIIL CAN!! USE THEM BEFORE THEY ARE STOLEN AWAY BY NAKED DEMON GATE BABIES!!!!!”

“…what?”

“….nothing.” Ed started to walk off. Rose fell to her knees.

Al kneeled beside her. “Don't mind my brother. That's just who he is.”

“Just shut the hell up and go away.” Rose said, looking away.

“Fine, geez. Ms. Attitude.” Al said in a huff, standing up and walking after Ed.

~elsewhere~

“How could this happen?” Cornello said from inside his room, holding his now deformed arm. “Didn't you say I can take over the country with the Philosopher's Stone? Why did I get a fake?” He asked mysterious busty woman. Not-as-mysterious fat guy sat next to her.

“I did say something like that, didn't I.” She said, leaning back a little. “All I wanted you to do was cause some trouble.”

Cornello stepped back. “Who are you? What are you?”

“Hey Lust, can I eat the old guy?” Not-as-mysterious fat guy said, revealing the name of the myseriously busty woman.

“Oh, sn-“ Cornello got eaten as the screen turns black and disgusting sounds of a body being ripped apart can be heard.

~elsewhere~

Somewhere far away, two guys were flying thought the air. They were…Tommy and Ron from episode 1! And they're still flying. No longer screaming they flew though the air in silence.

“Dude, this sucks. Like, really hard.” Ron said.

“I'm hungry.” Tommy complained.

“Oh! Just remembered! I got chocolate!” Ron said, pulling out a chocolate bar.

“Ooo!! Gimme!!” Tommy said, flapping his arms so he can get closer to Ron. And the chocolate.

“No way dude. This is MY chocolate. And you can't have her.”

“Her?”

“Don't worry baby. I won't let the mean man get you. You know that I love you.” Ron said, then started to make out with his chocolate bar.

“Ok. That is wrong in SO many levels.” Tommy said disgusted.

Then Tommy and Ron…..got hit by an airplane that had randomly appeared and killed them both. Then the airplane disappeared, erasing all evidence of their existence. (Yeah, that's right. I guess. I don't know. I'm tired. It's like, 3 AM. And I felt like hitting someone with an airplane. Sue me.)

~Even more later that day that the sun started to set~

“This bites.”

“Where did that bastard Cornello go?”

“Was there any point in that last interlude?”

“When I find him, I'm gonna…”

“GASP!!” Some guy sees a bunch of dead birds all over the ground.

“Eh?”

“What's this?”

“What the hell was he doing here?”

“How terrible.”

“Muffins.”

“The poor birdies.”

Cornello walks over in traveling clothes. Eh? Isn't he supposed to be dead? Is what your probably thinking right now. Cornello picks up a dead birdy. He lifts it, and all the birdies spring to life and fly into the sky.

“It's a miracle…”

“But wait, he could be using another trick again.”

“But they came back to life!”

“When I was on my honeymoon, some devil must have done very naughty things here. Is everyone okay?” Cornello said.

“You are the real…the real Father Cornello?”

Cornello nodded.

The crown cheered. “FATHER CORNELLO!!! YOU RULE!!!”

The audience booed. “FATHER CORNELLO!!! YOU SUCK!”

High up in the sky, all the birdies go splodey. Of course, no one notices.

“Sorry Envy. You'll have to remain in that form for a while.” Lust said from a window.

`Cornello' looks at the window and smiled.

In the next episode/chapter, there will be starting of the flashback of what happened about 3 or 4 years ago. Because the idiot scriptwriters left you hanging in episode one and now spending like, 6 episodes fill of flashbacks. Doesn't that suck. Unfortunately for you, you won't find out what happened to Michael Jackson for a while now. Sorry! Also, it's getting annoying typing: she said, he said, it said. Ah well. Time to sleep. ZZZZZZZZZZZ

Anywhos, everytime you don't review…more birds go splodey. So for the love of our feathery, pooping friends, please review! Unless you don't like birds. Review anyway for the sake of reviewing!