Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Hagane no Renkinjutsushi - Summarized ❯ Episode 9 - Gun no Inu no Gindokei ( Chapter 9 )

Winry: If I were older, all this wiggling would be considered fanservice.

Edward: ... what makes you think it isn't anyway?

Winry: The feeling of this driver's grip is making me wet!

Shopkeeper, Alphonse and Edward: ...

Winry: Hey, give me a discount on this oil. Because getting a discount is just as easy as asking for one.


*back in Mustang's office*


Edward: A mission for me?

Mustang: Duh, this would be kind of a boring series if all you did was stuff yourself into the library for 42 more episodes.

Hawkeye: Although ... they did make an anime about people playing a board game for 75 episodes seem interesting. I bet they could make 42 episodes of Edward reading seem interesting too. By the way, here's the plot.

Edward: Hagane no renkinjutsushi, Edward Elric. Hey, I know my own name! This is a job for a State Alchemist?

Hawkeye: It is if we say it is.

Edward: Where are the friggin' opening credits anyway? We've changed scenes already and haven't gotten the credits!


*Opening credits*

*Title card : Silver Watch of the Dog of the Military*


Edward: Hey, cool title! Quit babbling, Al. You didn't have to come along.

Alphonse: I'm always going to be with you, Nii-san! But not because we want to encourage Elricest.


*flash back*


Winry: Whose idea was it to have a flashback within a flashback?

Edward: I blame the guy narrating these episodes. And damn you for being taller than I am, Winry!


*at Youswell*


Edward: I thought mines were livelier.

Kyle: Don't worry, I'll liven things up for you with this TWO-BY-FOUR!

Edward: I should get used to concussions. I'm going to be catching a lot of these, aren't I?


*at the inn*


Halling: Have a little exposition.

Alphonse: How much to stay for the night?

Halling: It's expensive!

Edward: Don't worry, I'm rich!

Halling: In that case, it's twice as expensive as it would have been if you hadn't said that! And we'll tell you it's the same price at the other inns, and you will of course believe this without actually checking out our statement.

Edward: I carry my cash in a girly change purse. But I'm not gay! Not enough ... I guess I need to whore out my alchemy skills.

Mrs. Halling: Can you fix my vase?

Halling: You haven't thrown that away yet??

Mrs. Halling: Well, you never know when an alchemist might blow through town.

Edward: Nobody finds it unusual that I'm not using an array!

Halling: You're a State Alchemist, eh? You're a nice kid who outranks our military governor, hasn't tried to dick us around yet, and could conceivably solve all of our problems for us? GO GET EATEN BY THE DOGS!


*outside*


Edward: You will never again see me giving a shit about my automail. Until it breaks.

Alphonse: I sneaked some dinner out to you. Don't bother to say thanks though.

Edward: Wow, I knew State Alchemists were hated, but it didn't occur to me that people might, y'know, actually hate me.

Alphonse: Maybe I should get a State Alchemist certification too. Because redundancy is good.

Lyla: Hey! Over here, you two! The plot is advancing while you're chit-chatting!

Yoki: Permit me to establish that I not only have the right to collect taxes from you, I also have the right to set your salaries. And Central wonders why the citizens of this fine nation seem discontent!

Lyla: Yoki was sent here from Central to oversee the mine. This line was for the cabbages in the audience, because you all already know this.

Random Miner: I have some cabbage-lines too, because Yoki and everybody else in this building is well aware of his bribing habit.

Kyle: After watching Lyla lay some smackdown on one of my dad's friends, I think that the smart thing to do is start a fight with the First Lieutenant.

Edward: I haven't been enough of a bad-ass yet this episode. In fact, I've been slacking off a lot. Time to make up for that. Not only can your saber not cut my automail, it can't even cut through my jacket. You suck. Oh, by the way, I'm a State Alchemist, lemme flash my ID car...*cough cough* silver watch at you.

Yoki: Someone who outranks me! Time to go into wiener-dog mode! It feels kinda weird to be wiggling over a twelve-year-old, but no matter, he has the Holy Silver Watch!

Halling: Damned dog of the military! How dare he go hang out with Yoki after I threw him out of my inn!


*commercial break*


Hakuro: Time for some exposition. This seems somewhat random, but it isn't, so listen closely!


*Yoki's mansion*


Yoki: I'm still in wiener-dog mode, try not to be ill all over your plate.

Edward: I'll try.

Yoki: We have a talented alchemist here! Lyla, show him your schtick!

Edward: I find it impossible to respect an alchemist who wears a French maid outfit. Although I'm relieved that female alchemists do exist. Here, while I'm at it, have a look at my genius.

Lyla: When I grow up, I want to be just like you, Edward-sama!

Edward: ... you want to be vertically-challenged and maimed? You have the most pathetic dream I've ever heard. By the way, let me introduce you to the guiding principle of my life: the Law of Equivalent Trade.

Yoki: What a lovely principle! Somehow when I talk about it, it seems dirty.

Edward: I hate you.


*back at Halling's inn*


Alphonse: I wonder if Nii-san is doing okay. Being fawned over by the military governor seemed so dangerous. Not at all like being in an inn that's about to be destroyed.

Edward: I sleep fully clothed, with the lights on, on top of the covers. Or, at least, I do this when Alphonse isn't around ...

Mrs. Halling: That vase that the State Alchemist fixed for me got broken again. Cry!

Kyle: Even though we were all jerks to you, I'm going to ask you to help us.

Edward: Go ahead, shake me around. I don't care. You may be the same height as me, but I'm a professional.

Halling: Hey kid.

Edward: Yesterday I was a dog of the military, today I'm a kid? What's up with that? Al, don't tell anybody what you're about to see. Like you would anyway.


*back at Yoki's mansion*


Yoki: I am pretty much completely a sucker.

Edward: This is NOT my shit-eating grin. This sequence was somewhat more logical in the manga.


*back in town*


Kyle: Why do you want to stop me?

Halling: ... because you're a child?

Edward: Hi, everybody! This IS my shit-eating grin! And pay no attention to the fact that if I raise my hand as high as I possibly can, I can just barely get this piece of paper on eye-level with you.

Halling: Equivalent trade, eh? Damn, I almost feel bad now ...

Edward: Oh, and I transmuted your inn back together while you weren't looking. After you spit on me, threw me out into the cold, treated me like shit, and called me a dog of the military, I've solved all your problems. Why? Because I'm a better person than you are. Pretty cute when I'm sneaky, aren't I?

Yoki: Lyla, sic 'em!

Edward: Oh, please. You're a one-trick pony. You can't even dent my automail.

Lyla: You're a State Alchemist, right? Why are you going against what the military is doing here?

Edward: I could ask you the same thing, I'm military too. And I outrank Yoki. What do you have to say about that? Now, little people whose butts I just saved, observe while I demonstrate that the only reason you were able to throw me out of your inn was because I let you.


*later*


Edward: I'm not human, they're trying to push alcohol on me, and for some reason I'm not accepting it ...


*back in Mustang's office*


Hawkeye: Here's a report from Edward. They must have had government letterhead in Youswell for him to write it on.

Mustang: Nah, I gave him a bunch before he left. Give me a second to look sexy before we cut to another scene.


*flash forward*


Edward: Holy shit, we're back in the present now??

Alphonse: Almost. We're just prior to the first episode.

Edward: That was the longest damned flashback! That was messed up!

Alphonse: Almost as messed up as a fanfic with eight chapters, that has a ten-chapter epilogue ...

Edward: Okay, hush for a bit, I need to stroke my ego by getting this guy we hitched a ride from to feed my own rep back at me.