Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Hagane no Renkinjutsushi - Summarized ❯ Episode 10 - Kaitou Psiren ( Chapter 10 )

Edward: How many people do you think will notice that my hand is currently: the nine of hearts, the two of clubs, the seven of diamonds, the five of spades, and the jack of diamonds?

Alphonse: Not many. It's supposed to surprise them to find out that you're cheating.

Edward: But it's right here in front of them!

Alphonse: You know, I should have the ultimate poker face ...

Edward: You're pretty gullible for not questioning why I keep getting high-value spades in my hands. By the way, I'm laying out my cards with my LEFT hand, but I draw them with my RIGHT.

Alphonse: My gullibility will be the theme of this episode, no worries.

Mustang: I have no lines ... oh well, at least I can look sexy for a second while Edward talks about me with annoyed words but a seductive tone.

Edward: This will be the other theme of this episode: do not get your fingers between food and my mouth. And note, I'm eating these things with my RIGHT hand.


*Opening credits*

*Title card : Thief Psiren*


Edward: And now I'm eating them with my LEFT hand.

Alphonse: Nii-san, are you sure we should be stopping off here?

Edward: Sure. We still have three more episodes before I'm due back in East City, let's waste some time in a tourist trap and see if there's some plot here.

Alphonse: NII-SAN! YOU WERE CHEATING!

Edward: Come on, when you tack a sign on your back that says "I'm gullible, please don't deceive me," it's hard to avoid doing it!


*elsewhere*


Psiren!Clara: I'll leap over this guy in slo-mo so you can get a good look at me. Behold, I am the love child of Gambit and Catwoman!

Detective: I learned this handcuffs-over-the-head technique of suspect pursuit in the circus.

Psiren!Clara: I think you've cornered me, but I took the precaution of preparing my Alchemy Cards (tm) to draw an array in the water for me!


*later*


Edward: Aquaroya is beautiful, and a famous tourist spot. This line was for the cabbages in the audience. And once again I'm eating, and again with my LEFT hand. Now, observe as I make you wonder just what the hell I keep in my suitcase ... spare clothes? I can clean my clothes in five seconds with alchemy, and it's not like you ever see me wearing a different style.

Alphonse: Obviously what you're lugging around are your travelogue-coded notes.

Edward: Maybe government letterhead too.

Detective: An alchemist! He must be the thief! Because it's so easy to confuse a short, blond, male alchemist with a tall, female alchemist wearing tights.

Edward: ENOUGH WITH THE RESTRAINTS!


*at the police station*


Detective: We feed all our suspects.

Edward: I haven't heard the rule yet that you shouldn't try to eat anything bigger than your head. Note that I am eating with my LEFT hand.

Detective: So how can a chibi guy like you be the Fullmetal Alchemist?

Edward: Ahh, it's been awhile since I've had the chance to pull out a good rant.

Detective: Let me lay out the plot for you, you suspicious alchemist person!

Edward: Hey Al, you going to eat that?


*outside*


Edward: Damn the old man, he kept repeating the same questions for three hours!! He treated me like a suspect! Ack, sudden convenient illness!


*at the hospital*


Edward: This is how a State Alchemist who has faced down deadly chimeras and defied God himself behaves when confronted with a needle. Err ... don't look at these breast-like curves in my tank top ... And absolutely don't comment on the automail!

Clara: Gotcha, no checking out the odd shadows, and no asking how a kid like you ended up with missing limbs.

Alphonse: I'm in love!


*outside*


Clara: Let me peel some fruit for you.

Alphonse: Lurv!!!

Edward: Al, are you crushing on the nurse??

Alphonse: Time to do some totally random alchemy for near-complete strangers!

Detective: Mr. Elric! After harassing you for three hours, I'd like to ask you a favor!


*back at the police station*


Edward: I have the metabolism of a hummingbird, and I must consume twice my own weight each day. Once again eating with my LEFT hand. And I can't snap my chopsticks cleanly.

Detective: I'm so sorry about before! I actually checked up on your story and found that you really are a State Alchemist! I had completely misunderstood!

Edward: ... I told you that I'm a State Alchemist. I told you that I'm the Fullmetal Alchemist. What is there to misunderstand in that? Those are simple sentences.

Detective: And anyway I have a favor to ask ...

Edward: Feed me, Seymour.


*at the museum*


Edward: Have I mentioned that I'm an alchemist yet? And not, for example, any kind of criminal investigator? Throw a little exposition at me.

Alphonse: Thrown cards scare the crap out of me, whereas bullets do not.

Edward: Alchemy has many uses. Including somehow letting me get in front of you! And I was treated like a thief because of you! It's all about me!

Psiren!Clara: How I got these cards to turn into a sword is something that will never be explained.

Edward: In Youswell I stepped in front of a saber deliberately, yet this time I flinch back from a deck of cards ...

Psiren!Clara: Ooooer, I have the FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST straddling me! Keen!

Edward: I'm fifteen years old. I should be having some kind of sexually-related thought about every 10 seconds. Yet touching a woman's breast freaks me out. But I'm not gay!

Psiren!Clara: I will never wash this breast again!

Edward: Holy shit, you're female? I didn't notice that before, your ultra-skimpy outfit and pouty lips somehow deceived me.

Psiren!Clara: This is the last time you'll see me use my card trick.


*commercial break*


Edward: Oh look, Clara is unzipping her top. I'm a lot more interested in her array than her tits. But I'm not gay!

Clara: Look, I don't have to touch my array to stuff to transmute! Which I guess is a good thing, considering where I tattooed it ...

Alphonse: Nii-san! Nii-san! Oh! Nii-san! What are you doing alone in this darkened room with Clara with her shirt unzipped down to her navel??

Edward: Surprisingly, nothing.

Alphonse: Here's my gullibility, handing Clara an excuse she didn't really ask for.

Detective: Sensei! Sensei! Oh! What are you and your brother doing alone in this darkened room with Clara with her shirt unzipped down to her navel??

Alphonse: Nothing.

Edward: I'M NOT GAY!!


*later*


Detective: Here's some exposition. And here's my being-sneaky pose!

Edward: Cool, I'll have to remember that pose for later.

Psiren!Clara: I'm not really an alchemist, I'm one of those water aliens from The Abyss. Three guesses where all this liquid I'm manipulating came from! Oh no! A simple cage trap! There's just no possible way I can deal with this alone!


*outside in the city*


Psiren!Clara: Why did you save me?

Edward: Al guilt-tripped me into it. And there are sometimes when people have to do evil. I have firsthand experience with this.

Psiren!Clara: You sound so adult! I should return this favor to you as an adult woman. Is there ... something you want me to do for you?

Edward: Tell me about the Philosopher's Stone.

Psiren!Clara: You'd rather hear about the magic rock than get a blow job? Are you gay?

Edward: NO!


*at the wreckage of the hospital*


Edward: Did she trick us??

Alphonse: I'm not gullible!

Clara: I am the sexiest nun in the convent! Here, buy this story instead.

Alphonse: I'd believe anything from you, Clara-san!


*at the wreckage of the monastery*


Edward: YOU'RE GULLIBLE!

Alphonse: I am not!

Clara: I am the sexiest schoolteacher in the city!

Alphonse: Let me feed you another excuse for your behavior ...


*later*


Random Guy: Here's some exposition to lay everything out for you so you don't have to think too hard about it. Oh, and in five years this city will sink down into the lake.

Edward: ... what the hell did you people build on? Quicksand? Haven't you ever heard of engineers?

Random Guy: We have a time-table!

Edward: Well, damn. Maybe she's not so bad. But she tricked me ... the Fullmetal Alchemist. How DARE she?? Doesn't she know that I'm famous?


*later, on the canal*


Psiren!Clara: Let me attempt to forge a link with you by declaring that my background and motives are not so different from yours.

Edward: Oh bah, I've heard this bullshit before. Look how attractive I can be!

Psiren!Clara: I guess this means we need to fight.

Edward: Ack, wasn't expecting that!

Psiren!Clara: Although I know you have automail, and I know you can't swim because of the weight of it, I'll just drop you into the canal. This isn't a murder attempt or anything though.

Edward: Now, just HOW do I get out of this canal before I drown??


*later*


Psiren!Clara: Let's "battle" again some day. Lest you misunderstand, let me clarify that I mean "battle" as a man and a woman.

Alphonse: Clara-san! This is my BROTHER!

Psiren!Clara: Let me tell you where to go for the next episode. Just because you're cute and I like you.


*on the train out*


Edward: Ahh, eating again. Haven't had anything for at least ten minutes. Eating with my LEFT hand, and again cannot snap the chopsticks cleanly.

Alphonse: You said that sometimes people have to do evil!

Edward: ... when did I say that in front of you? Wait a minute ... Did Clara make a pass at me back there!?